Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Nice word play with the logline. Clear comedic elements evident. It's about football which always works for me. It's got that mighty-ducks feel to it.

And even in spite of a face-palm of a title...

...It's got to be a GOOD. This could really work as a comedy. And I assume, considering the logline set-up, that the tea-lady is a Brit who emigrated over there. And I'm guessing she has some connection to our football that comes into play.

I like it. Best comedy premise so far.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

Let me begin this by saying I hate sports of all kinds and subsequently, I hate sports movies. That said, I would go see this one, I loved your premise. You had me at little old, tea lady. She sounds adorable, I laughed when I read it. And this sentence:
" To turn this group of bottom-rung misfits into a unit capable of drinking from the greatest cup of all."
Pure genius!

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I'm not sure what a "tea-lady" means...

I'd like to know more about her. What skills does she have to turn this team around? And why is she the one to whom this task falls? Is she the new team owner? A celebrated soccer player of decades gone by?

You've got a great start. There are interesting characters here and a lot of opportunity for them to do battle. I'd love to see this done.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I know you Americans think of soccer as a girly game but in the rest of the world it is taken very seriously and it is done by macho top athletes. So this would be something for the US box office only, which would limit the potential audience. British portrayed as tea drinking old ladies. Soccer a game that can be taught by an old lady. One of those "Americans are cool, Europeans are not" comedies. I get the message ;-)

I wouldn't go see the movie, or read the screenplay, if I could help it.

But I guess it is a good logline because I think I can entirely see the movie you are proposing, genre and all.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

Huh? I don't understand... a tea lady is going to turn some soccer players into proper tea drinkers? How does that connect? What is the point of that? I don't get it. Sorry :s

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: Clever. Evokes a comedy genre.

Story: I like it. It's a classic underdog tale with great opportunity for comedy and character growth.

Craft: I cannot safely assume that the Boston Wanderers are a soccer team.

Omit "Her greatest challenge yet?" as the challenge is implied. Then consolidate the last two sentences.

I'm unfamiliar with the "greatest cup of all" as I don't follow soccer.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Title - ok a play on a well known phrase but it is a bit confusing and doesn't jump out at me, but still it has something. Have to say I don't know what type of film this would be, let's see...

Protagonist - Football team or old lady

Antagonist- themselves, the world, other teams??

Genre - comedy, drama

Other - Sorry why is an little, old tea lady going to 1) be involved 2) be part of the management.

Ok a rags to riches story, against the odds, I'm just not sure of the why part. Has soemthing but needs some work, and that's me accepting the football part since i'm based in the uk. Not sure you need the taken seriously part.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Clever title.

The logline was a little too long, with a little shortening here and there this would probably make a good read.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Title -- I don't think it's the best title, and I'm sure you could whip out something better.

Story -- The story kind of reminds me of "Angels in the Outfield". Although, the idea is nice and Disney-esque; it really doesn't hook me in. It's not really clear who the protagonist is? Also, what is their goal? Win the Premier League, the FA Cup, the League Cup, qualify for Europeans, etc.?

Craft -- I believe the last sentence is a fragmented sentence and not a complete sentence. I like the style of the logline, but I think there are few things that could have been left out.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Great play on words for the title.

I got confused thinking you meant Boston in the States.

You use far too many commas! 'little old tea lady' 'grizzled misogynist manager'

I think the first and second sentences would be better running into one. Less choppy.

I'd like to see this. I'm sure it would be more entertaining than the way Liverpool are playing at the moment!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think there might be a fun story here, but this logline feels a bit long and cumbersome.

I like the idea of an old lady taking ownership of a team and somehow through her stewardship the team becomes winners. I think you need to focus the logline around that hook.

Lastly, I don't really love the title, it feels like an awkward pun.

Chris Westfield (Level 3)

This is a little cryptic. Is Boston Wanderers a soccer team? I think the writing here tries to get too creative. So I'm guessing a little old tea drinking lady turns around a misfit soccer team as they compete in the world cup. Does she make some special super tea? Or she gets rid of the stress like Bull Durham? It sounds like a comedy. I can see the laughs, not bad. Title is interesting and a neat play on words.

Claire Fishman (Level 3)

So the concept isn't terrible - you've got the conflict, being the horrible manager, and the fighting protagonist, being this cute little lady. And I love the way the last sentence is written. However, there's a few grammatical errors that distract from getting to that point. First off, you can probably weave the first two seconds together, instead of splicing it with a period. Also, parts like "grizzled, misogynist, manager", you can remove the second comma and have it be "grizzled, misogynist". Anyway, I'm starting to nit pick.

Love the punny title. I think it's hilarious, and it matches the tone you're conveying in the logline. My conclusion that it's a cute idea (definitely work to make it different than any other screwball sports movie, though), with a great title, but a logline that needs to be edited.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This is a strange logline. But the more I read it, the more I realized that it was an "Excellent" logline. Looks like an interesting story and I'm not usually a fan of sports stories. You definitely got my interest.

Well done. One of my few Excellents this month.

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

David Birch (Level 5)

seems a little similar to "the damned united"...now, that might not be true, but i think that's the impression any producer's going to get reading your logline...you've got soccer...misfits...and an outsider that's going to turn them into champions...i don't know a whole lot about the inner workings of soccer, but how does a team from boston get a chance to play for (and presumably drink from) "the greatest cup of all"...the world cup is a "national competition"...and i'm not sure how they could play in the premiere league...so i'm a little confused...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I am a soccer fan so I like and understand the story within the logline. It appears to be a variation on an old basic sports storyline of misfit team has a chance for glory. The center of the logline is just a bit convoluted for me. Seems like it could be tightened. Perhaps it is the “Her greatest challenge yet.” phrase that seems unneeded and somehow not really important. I like the potential conflict between the misogynist manager and the tea-lady so that certainly works. I hope this goes on so I can read more about the Bolton, oops, Boston Wanderers.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Title:
Not sure what you mean by the title. Did you mean Party, Parody, or Parity?
I imagine this would be a comedy. (How about Soccer Mum?)
Story:
The Bad News Bears meets Lady Bugs.
What is a tea-lady? Is that the Bitish version of a waterboy? How does she get a coaching job with the team? Is this a pro team or a high school team?
Original? Been done many times with all sorts of sports. Bad News Bears, The Longest Yard, The Replacements, Slapshot, Major League, and on and on. That doesn't mean there's no room for another one. You just have to put a new spin on it, and you have with the tea-lady character.
Interesting? If you have good characters and witty dialogue, this formula always works.
Your protagonist is very good. You need a rival team to be their antagonist.
The journey is always to come out winning.
Craft:
Your style is weak at the start, but you finish strong. Could be edited down to two sentences.
Spelling and grammar - However, THE Boston Wanderers...
GOOD

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title: Definitely an interesting play on words. I think you could almost use "Tea" instead of "Team" to refer to the old lady's tea, and it might make more sense if the tea is the the thing that creates the "parity" and let's them compete on equal grounds.

Story: Sounds like a solid comedy version of the underdog team working to have a shot - sort of like "Dodge Ball." The only missing thing is some sort of stake - why do they need to become a decent team, or why does she want to help them?

Craft: This logline provides the needed information, although wouldn't hurt to have a little more. There are a few gramatical errors: perhaps a "the" before "Boston Wanderers", no comma after misogynist, no comma after old. Pretty well done.

Dimitris Chiotellis (Level 2)

Title: Title is good, short and can be related with the logline.

Story: The story is interesting and the plot is clear. Protagonist's goal and confrontation also clear.

But there are some problems too. The logline is very long, and the first sentence is not adding anything. It's just a generic truth.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I believe this logline has too much description. And, in some ways, it sounds like the “blurb” on the back of a paperback. Focus on the premise of the story more. Good luck with the screenplay.

Felipe D. Machado (Level 4)

I guess you could be creating your own team, but from my experience with football/soccer, the team you are referring to are the BOLTON Wanderers, not the Boston Wanderers.

Having said that, this store feels very odd. It's about a tea-lady and it's her job to make the football team into a team capable of drinking the best tea, or capable of winning the cup? Either way I don't understand why that's her job. Does she just take it upon herself? That's fine if she does. This story is just odd enough that it could be brilliant. You have a lot to think about (unless you already wrote this).

I think your craft could be better. It's just too long and I had to reread it a few times to make sure I understood what was going on. I'm still not sure if I do. Good luck!

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Firat off, before the critique, I personally really REALLY liked your playful sense of humor as well as the very personal tone of your logline. The title also struck me as a very clever play on words.

That said, your logline seems unusually word heavy and chatty. I genuinely appreciate your humor and already know I'd be eager to read your screenplay. But the logline really needs to be pared down to bare essentials. This is your big chance to grab someone's attention. You have the gift for words and humor. Now focus and fine tune them into a cohesive, clear and sparkly one liner. Continued good success.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A nice play on words. Is the word parIty?
Too much info to set the table
"the greatest cup of all" sounds forced
who are the protags and antags in this?
Log takes a second read to understand.

GOOD.

=== An old tea lady challenges a team of misfit soccer players to rise up...

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Clever title! It makes it seems like this will be a comedy or at least have comic elements. So if it does, good choice. The logline is okay but shouldn't it be THE Boston Wanderers? Also, "Her greatest challenge yet?" is confusing. What challenges had she met before?

James Hughes (Level 5)

Title - the title is fair, I don't understand it fully and because of its play on words is a little hard to say at first. Is it supposed to be Bolton?

Story - I'm not sure who the old lady is and why she arrives and why she is responsible for this team. Why is this her greatest challenge; what else did she do? The story as is is leaving me with questions.

Craft - The craft is good. It kind of has a silly edge to it but kind of formally written at the same time so has a conflicting tone to it.

Overall, I am rating this logline as Good. I like stories of underdogs and quirky characters but this left me with too many questions to rate higher than a good.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I think the logline was very creative. I loved the question mark. It fit perfectly with the tone of your logline. It told us what the story was about. The conflict, and how they plan on solving it. I love it!

Excellent job.

Jo Gates (Level 3)

The title seems forced; it's obvious it's a play on "Boston Tea Party" but it's hard to see how "Parity" is the perfect word for the story you're going for.

And then starting to read the logline, I stumbled on the thought that in England, it's called football. It could just be me, but I don't know what a "tea-lady" is. Or why she'd be expected to meet great challenges. The unanswered questions here don't make me want to watch; they just make it seem thrown together.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Sure. Why not. It's about time for another sports movie where the misfits get their time in the sun. I'm not so sure about the Tea-Lady or the misogynist, but it can't hurt throwing them in.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I tried to write my own this month and the advise I was getting - start with your main character. So it's "An old tea-lady". I read yours now and see that my writing friends were right.
"must turn the group of bottom-rung football players" - or something like that... If you also answer why she needs to do it I'd like it so much better...

Kim M Brantley (Level 3)

The title is somewhat outlandish. I assume you mean to imply that the soccer players and their manager have met their match in meeting the tea lady. "Parity" is not a widely used word so you may want to replace it so that it does not distract from your story.

The logline ably outlines the story and the conflict, and it also sets up the characters. The genre seems to be a comedy.

You have a variety of characters, and I assume that the tea lady is the protagonist, but there is no detail as to what abilities or skills she possesses that will transform the "bottom-rung misfits" into champions.

In what way will the tea lady grow, i.e. have a character arc, one that will make the audience want to go on this journey with her.

Perhaps try to build the logline around the protagonist's journey and need so that the reader/audience has a sense of where this story is going.

Kirk White (Level 5)

honestly, I love movies like this so I'm down with it...and this logline works well. But the title? It doesn't work at all and is almost groan inducing in the "computer mal-pun-ction" kinda way...

Kisha King (Level 4)

I don't like the title for some reason it just doesn't seem right.
I said it over and over again and it just don't have a good fitting ring to it.
The logline can use more detailed information, try to right the highlights
of the story.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a dramatic comedy. Certainly, a couple of these misfits have some romance in their lives as well.
The mental picture of "a little old (British) tea-lady" attempting to revitalize a group of rascal soccer players is a hoot. Likely the ruffians will cause all sorts of mayhem before they resurrect themselves and succeed...or not. Might be really funny if they try and try, but keep losing.
The logline's essence is perfectly clear, although might be able to tweak a little and bring it down to three lines.
Fabulous title. Particularly catchy with the play-on-wording for Boston Tea Party.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Two unnecessary commas "little, old, tea-lady." They slow down your sentence.

The title is a really bad pun that doesn't roll off the tongue well. I think you might want to reconsider it. :)

Boston is not in England. Does the Boston team play in England? If not, the first sentence doesn't make much sense. If the whole story takes place in America, then that first line really throws a misperception over the whole logline. But then there's the character of the "tea-lady." We don't have "tea-ladies" in America, I don't think. So maybe this IS set in England. But either way, I'm very confused, and I shouldn't be confused after reading your logline, so you might want to consider clarifying the logline a bit.

The worst-to-first tale always makes for a good sports story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

"In England, soccer's taken very seriously."
Not true, we don't have 'soccer'. Football's taken very seriously. (I'm joking, but either way I think everyone would know this by now.)

I don't quite see the connection between the tea-lady and turning around the team. Is she some kind of football genius strategist? Did the manger hire her for this purpose? It doesn't quite make sense.

And are you sure you didn't mean "Bolton Wanderers"?

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

I hate the punny title. Really.

That said, I love the concept. But I think you can make it pop by rewording the logline and revealing a little more. Please tell me the tea lady is British.

I can see this being a very funny ovie but it needs a snappier title. Something less forced.

Very good.

Masoud Soheili (Level 4)

Its nothing here to move me to read more about it,
Maybe its personally ,but i don't like it,

Also tittle,
So simple,like story,
everything seems so simple,

Im not a good english writer(and reader also) but I think you just write good...
I mean you put words together very good

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

I'm guessing you're going for a play on words with this title. Decent effort and it seems to fit the story.

I like the premise although it's not a terribly unique concept. Structurally I'm not a fan of the entry. I think it could be reworked to be much more effective. From the logline it feels like it has to be a comedy so I'd like to see more of that in this effort. A "little, old, tea-lady (whatever that is) doesn't elicit much of a laugh. You've got good elements, but it's just too loose and wordy.

Why use the word soccer in what appears to be a British story where the sport is called football? I think you can get a better effect by combining the first two sentences - In football-crazed England, the Boston Wanderers and their grizzled, misogynist manager are the laughing stock.

The question in the middle is out of place. We don't know anything about this lady or any past "challenges". If she's the lead character, tell us what connection she has to the sport. Is she the mother/grandmother of the nation's greatest footballer? Has she had perfect attendance at such-and-such stadium for the past 50 years? Give us something that connects her to this challenge.

Michael Cuculich (Level 3)

This is really poorly written, and I'm not even sure what it's about. Who is this tea lady and what is her relationship to the team/manager? Is she the owner? A player? It's all very unclear. The wording and the grammer of each of these sentences are very poor. Also, the plot itself just feels very generic. I also think you way overreach on trying to make "Boston Tea Party" into some sort of clever pun.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I think the logline is very well done and that the story seems compelling. I think this would be a lot of fun to read.
The title is a little off for me. I think it feels just a bit too forced and doesn't convey the same sense of a magical story that the rest of the logline gives us.
Perhaps just sticking with the obvious "The Boston Tea Party" would have worked better for me because it would very easily describe your story, but play off of the common meaning.
Anyway, very good job.
Good luck.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Title: It's seems a bit awkward to me. Sounds like the genre may be comedy.

Genre: Comedy

Protag: tea-lady (not sure what that means)

Antag: Boston Wanderers/manager?

Goal: to turn the misfits into champs

Obstacle(s): ?

Overall: The pun on the title seems a bit forced to me. This logline is constructed pretty well, but it seems like I've seen this before - Bad News Bears, Mighty Ducks, etc.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: I can see it's a play on words but I have no idea what it means.

story: Actually, in England, it's football that is taken seriously. A cute sports comedy where the underdog will probably triumph. The new shine on it is the tea-lady, which is cute.

craft: I think this is good. purists will be annoyed that you use pleanty more than one sentence but I think you've done the job very well and told us what to expect with a comedy tone.

overall: I can't stand football movies, and I'm from England. The little old lady IS a cute twist - do you have little old tea-lady's in America, I thought they were a British thing. I'm feeling that I might be more interested if this was British too, not sure why, it feels British. Anyway, I'm not interested in reading further but someone who likes the genre will probably love this.

Mohammad Nawaz (Level 4)

I liked this. Nicely written except I think in England, it's football, not soccer.

Comes off as a comedy and it could work but there are a lot of characters so you're giving yourself a hell of a job writing this.

I didn't like the title very much though. Very dull for a comedy but that's just my opinion.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

(*Note: for this commentary I will be using the term “football” to refer to soccer.)

I had to look up “parity” because it is not a frequently used word; at first I thought it was a type-o. Something tells me that others might conclude the same thing. You have a clever title going, but in this case the obscure cuteness is not a strong point. I like it thought, now that I know what it means.

I like the set up for the story, and I like the way you’ve given your characters some description, but I’m a little confused by the power and necessity of the “tea-lady.” What draws her to this football team? Is this her story, or the story of the coach, or the story of the team? I’m not exactly sure based on what you’ve written. If this is her story, then her goal is to make the team better, by (I’m guessing) the time of an important match. If this is the coach’s story, his goal might be to learn to find the good in himself so that he can inspire his team rather than belittle them. There are many possibilities, and I can’t find a definite one here.

And what exactly is at stake? So what if they’re not the best football team in the world? What do they have to lose, really? Again, information like this is vital in a logline because it helps the reader to understand character motivation and the urgency to reach their goal.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Soccer? What is this nonsense? I think you'd be hard pressed to make a SOCCER movie. And there are plenty of those already. Anyways...I guess the lead is the grizzled manager?
Least, I hope so.

I think it's actually a pretty neat logline. Could use a bit more clarity and lose the middle sentence: "Her greatest challenge yet?". Destroys the flow.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It's basically the Bad News Bears come to Britannia, but the little old lady coach definitely adds an element of originality (although it's hard to see how she's going to carrale these ruffians.

Because it's a well-tread comedy, its success has to be in the writing. Unfortynately, a lot of errors sink the logline, and the chances that the writer might be able to pull the comedy off. I'm not sure if the title was supposed to read "Parity", but I don't get the "parity" reference, and it makes for way too many puns stacked up. The last joke gets a bit of a smile, although it's not exacylt right - you don't drink from a trophy, so the joke falls a bit flat. Plus, you've got a missing "the", too many commas on "little old tea-lady", and a few awkward phrases like "all is about to change".

Spruce it up and spellcheck it, and you might have a great sell, here.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title works well, although it's possible it doesn't need the "The" and it might be a little too clever for its own good.

The concept sounds good to me. It's a take on the classic sports movie comedy and those never go out of fashion.

The logline works well in getting across the comedic side of this. It might be that there's a tighter way to get this information across that packs a little more punch.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The Title tells us what the story is about based on the logline.

People taking soccer seriously is the inciting incident of the screenplay. I can identify the Set Up.

I’m assuming that the Boston Wanders and the management teams are the protagonists of the story. However, the protagonist should be in line with the other protagonist to make the logline read better. In addition, use only one protagonist unless a group or union is needed to move the story forward. I’m also having a hard time figuring out if the protagonist initiates the dramatic premise of the movie.

The logline is hard to read because the sentence structure and grammar errors are in the way. I can’t figure out what is the protagonist’s goal. The way the logline is worded, it seems that the management team and the Boston Wanders’ main goal are to sabotage a woman, but that is not your intension. still The logline needs to clarify what the main goal is in order for readers or viewers to read and watch the film.
The atomistic force and antagonists are undefined. We need to at least know what the antagonistic force of the story is, but we don’t necessarily need to know who the antagonist is. I hope you can explain this if this logline does advance.

I don’t have a sense of what happens when the management team and Wanders fail to “sabotage” the woman, so I can’t give you points if I don’t know what the stakes are.

The logline is visual in my head, although I don’t understand what their goals are. We see the Management team looking forward in making management easier if soccer was taken more seriously.

This logline loses its originality due to the grammatical errors. Thus, I don’ t find this original at all.

The genre is undefined. I’m going to guess it’s a comedy movie.

As I said before, you have sentence fragments and questions asked in the logline. We are the ones who should be asking you questions and not you as the screenwriter.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Some clever wit went into this and I think there would be some times in the pages. However, the logline, as presented left me scratching my chin at times. I pictured an adult Bad News Bears or Major League type of movie but I can't see how this gang of misfits would even make it to the same playing field as England's soccer elite. Drinking from the greatest cup of all has the right feel for an underdog triumph story but I think the goal should be smaller - be the first to score on a team that has not let in a goal all season or something really do-able. Fun awaits if you advance. Good luck.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

I don't think the first sentence of your logline needs to be there. You could probably start off by saying something along the lines of: "The Boston Wanderers and their misogynist coach are not taken very seriously on the soccer field." Maybe I'm wrong, but it's just a suggestion. I think this logline should have been edited before being submitted. You could probably also remove the line: "Her greatest challenge yet?" and just state the challenges she and the team would be facing. Beyond that, the almost-pun title did not work for me. Others may like it though, so it is just my opinion. This logline did not work for me.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I LOVE the setting, premise and obvious clash of cultures and characters.

Can't say I'm a big fan of the pun title and the very last bit about drinking from the greatest cup of all.

But this is quite refreshing and a huge welcome change to the sports genre.

Please let me read the ten pages.

(I once had an idea about an American cricket team in Australia)

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like this very much. I gave it a very good. The only reason I didn't give it an excellent is because I wasn't sure about the little old tea lady (what is a tea lady?) Is she hired on to be an assistant? A coach? That part is not clear.

But I do like underdog stories, so I'd like to read more of this.

Good job.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

Well, this logline is full of things I would deem as "wrong". Maybe off-putting is a better choice of a word.

Point is, you have a... near-pun in your title. Some may find it cute, some not. I'm one of the "not" people. Then, you take a real team, change one letter and make a fictional team. I highly doubt you'll get sued by fictionalizing a real team in a logline contest, but that's just me. They do it all the time.

Rather than nit-picking every little thing, I'll keep it brief and just say that I'm not buying what this logline is selling. It's not my, if you'll forgive my pun, cup of tea.

Fair.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Oh the title made me groan - the pun did not go down well. "Boston Team Party" might have worked better? I also didn't like being told that "soccer's taken seriously" and the rambling log line is not pulling me into what sounds like a funny story. Rethink the logline - this is a classic "fish out of water" story where you've got 2 Americans and a little old lady teacher. The last sentence has the most potential, how about using it to hang the rest of the story on, ie: "An old English tea-lady is the only one who can turn a group of bottom-rung Boston soccer players and their misogynist manager into a winning team."

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Hmmm... first, it doesn't flow off the tongue. Second, the reference here is to the Boston Tea Party, which is an event which took part in America. Then... the word "Parity"... how will that play into the story? They don't want Parity... they want Dominance... which is the only way they can win. So I think you need a new title.

Logline: I want to watch this movie (bumped up)... despite the choppy, poorly formed logline (bumped down). I can see a fun movie here, and that saves you.

If you move on, you need to get a better logline written. Good luck.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

The title is cringeworthy. This is a story I've seen a thousand times before and nothing here really stands out as something different.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

I hate that you chose to make the title a reference to American history yet you are talking about England. Even though the English were involved, a title should reflect the setting of the movie instead of a setting outside of the movie.

Why did you have to state that soccer is taken seriously in England? It isn't necessary.

Why on earth is a little old tea-lady going to get involved with a soccer team run by a misogynist manager? You introduced conflict but without motivation.

You shouldn't ask questions. We should ask questions and our questions shouldn't be presented out of confusion but curiosity instead.

I don't like sport dramas and you seem to not be treating your premise as a serious effort. I am going under the presumption that your conflicts will have a logical explanation as to how they came to be, so I'll give you a Fair, but beyond that, this would have gotten a poor from me.

William Coleman (Level 5)

What a great title. I love this kind of wordplay. It may be too much for the market, but so be it. It has wit and reflects your excellent logline. The title is the best I've read so far in 40 entries, and the loglie, too, is the best so far. Drat, I can't carp about anything. This is going to ruin my number of character averages! Good work. I hope you move on.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Nicely done, but this is more of a synopsis. Try to get it to one sentence focusing on goals and stakes. Regardless, it sounds like a fun romp.

I look forward to seeing the script!

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This is a cute idea, and the logline gives a clear idea of what the script is about. However, I find the writing a little offputting, with the unnecessary commas and words, and the confused variety of tones. I think just a rewrite would help a lot, without necessarily changing the fundamentals. Also, I'd change the name from Boston so people won't get confused about the location. "In England, soccer is taken very seriously. However, the Compton Wanderers and their grizzled, misogynistic manager are not. This is about to change when the team takes on a little old tea lady. Can she turn this group of bottom-rung misfits into a unit capable of drinking from the greatest cup of all?"

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

I think there should be a "the" before "Boston Wanderers."

I don't think tea lady should be hyphenated. And the commas in that area are unnecessary.

What does a soccer team in Boston have to do with England?

I don't have a clue as to how a beverage server is going to turn a soccer team around. What's its motivation to listen to her? What's her background and knowledge concerning soccer?

I can see how this might play out, but the discrete ideas in the logline confuse me more than anything.

Comments Made After the Contest

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2012 12:13 AM

One of my Excellents this month. I think this would make a great movie.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2012 2:38 AM

A VG from me. I thought the title was terrific.
Just listen to DanD and me this month... :)

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 3/1/2012 3:59 AM

The comedy sports genre genre needs a solid boost of freshness and I believe this story has it.

Voted this an excellent and do write this screenplay if you haven't already.