Comments Made During the Contest
Alex Hollister (Level 4)
This doesn't feel like a feature. It barely feels like an SNL skit. There may be greatness to the script, but I can't see that in the logline.'Man learns to bake' is a soft sell (if you pardon a sort of doughy pun).There's some comedic fodder here, but I struggle to see how it can be sustained in a feature length script. I needed some idea of where the story goes from here.Because as it's presented, this is a story of a lowlife father who learns to bake to win affection of his kids. Nice sentiment, but not a feature length story as it's presented. On the basis that the logline has all the elements, this gets a- FAIR.
Aralis Bloise (Level 4)
So it's like The Full Monty but with Duff from Ace of Cakes. Could work, if you don't get too wacky with it. I would give it a chance.
Audrey Webb (Level 5)
I want to like this guy -- it's that he's a "lowlife" that bothers me. If he's such a crud, why does he do this very nice thing? It's a little "so what" at the moment...the stakes need to be ramped up a bit for me to really care about your characters and their world.
Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)
Why does he have to be a lowlife, not just a neglectful father? Then I can root for him, hope he reconnects with his son as he comedically fails. "Lowlife" doesn't make him sound nice.Not much of an antagonist, a bake sale, so the father comes over rather weak for even failing at that... Baking a cake isn't exactly rocket science...It feels like a subject for a comedic short actually. Father participates in (or organizes?) a bake sale to reconnect with his son. Why not simply catch-ball, or fishing or some other manly activity?
Basil Sunshine (Level 4)
Well... just because he holds a bake sale doesn't mean he has to bake stuff himself. If he's a lowlife, he'll probably just steal the baked goods out of a Walmart dumpster or something. I guess that would be funny, but this logline isn't compelling enough as is.
Bill Clar (Level 5)
Title: Interesting. Not often you see a movie about a bake sale.Story: This would work better as an episode of a sitcom. There's not enough conflict to flesh this into a feature. What makes the father decide to change his ways to impress the kids?Craft: No grammar errors or typos.
Bill Sarre (Level 4)
Title - interesting, the bake element gives strong images, home, motherly, sale suggests a need, i'll guess rom com, comedy, lets see...Protagonist- low life father - is that one or two words? (note checked on wiki - can be both)Antagonist- cooking, himselfGenre- comedyOther- yeah the title says what is meant to be, well done. crisp, focused and with a sense of conflict, can he pull it off?sounds quite familiar with other such films, but the baking and father element is a nice switch.tidy work
Bob Johnson (Level 4)
The title was simple enough.The logline was short and sweet and was nicely constructed and seemed to set up a good comedy piece.
Byron Matthews (Level 4)
Title -- Title works for me. It doesn't blow me away, but I can go with it.Story -- I'm curious how this story can be stretched into a feature length script. There's enough here to get me interested. It doesn't sound that different from most romance comedies other than it's set-up around a bake sale and a music program.Craft -- This story has the feel of a Romantic Comedy with all those cheesey liners, cliche ideas, and feel good moments that you see in these stories. I would read the first ten pages.
Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)
Title not inspiring. Sorry.This is a nice idea, I can see it could be funny BUT how on earth could you sustain it for the whole of a feature? It needs more substance.
Chris Keaton (Level 5)
Well you set up a comedic tone, so if his hi-jinks fails they lose the music program? It doesn't seem like much of a loss, maybe this is also his chance to patch things up with this estranged wife. Who is against him beside himself We need a bad guy. Otherwise nice logline.
Chris Messineo (Founder)
I like the title and I even like the logline.However, it feels like the logline to a five page short and not a feature length film. I'm having a hard time imagining the full story here. What is he really up against? Is there a villain? Why is he a low-life?I think if you can give us a bit more of the story here, it would really help a lot.
Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)
This one works great. You can already envision the comedy. In any other logline some of the descriptions here would have been superfluous, but here they serve a purpose, since his inadequacy no doubt will contribute to the comedy of the story.
Claire Fishman (Level 3)
Title is cute.This doesn't sound like a feature length to me. There's probably more to the story that you don't want to talk about in a logline (which is totally understandable), but what you do say doesn't sound like enough. There's also not enough of a pressing conflict. I see that he's a culinarily-challenged man, but that doesn't feel like enough to me. Perhaps that's what your logline is missing - a bigger conflict, thus resulting in something that feels like a feature.That said, I like the idea, but the logline just doesn't say enough.
Dan Delgado (Level 5)
I'm not sure how you're using the word "lowlife" in this logline. When I think of lowlife, I think of someone who wouldn't care to try to impress his kids. I think of somebody that's scum or dirt. It could just be me. Other than that one word the logline does a good job of setting up the genre and the main beats of a high-concept script.Good luck. Thank you for entering.
Dave Kunz (Level 4)
I think this accomplishes -- for the most part -- exactly what a logline needs to do. The title fits the story and the logline captures a clear sense of who the protagonist is and what sort of story is involved. But... While the title fits the story it is a bit mundane, I think you would be doing yourself a favor to keep exploring other possibilities. Also, describing your protagonist as a "lowlife father," would "deadbeat dad" work better? Is the dad a low-level criminal of some sort? Or...? The current description does work, I just think it could be better. All in all, nicely done.
David Birch (Level 5)
the biggest question i have is "why"...?...where's the "page 10" event?...what happened to compel the father to want to "impress" the kids?...gives us a peek at your characters backstory so we can root for him succeed (or not)...is the wife (or ex-wife) factored into the equation?...why is it up to him to save the music program?...maybe he should be a musician...an old "rocker" with a checkered past...something to amp up the conflict...
David D. DeBord (Level 5)
A title that actually tells a bit about what the story is about. Simple. Very good. I like the logline as well. This is a standard set up for comedy with a heartwarming ending. That’s not a knock, I think it’s the kind of movie that CAN be a lot of fun. We see too many bad variations of this on the screen but I would guess that the scripts start out better than the actual movie, especially when a marginally talented comic performer mugs his (or her) way through the re-written to make them seem funnier than they are script. I want to read YOUR script and I think it has great potential. I hope you go on to the next round. this has the potential to be a top finisher in this round.
Denise Jewell (Level 4)
Title: GoodStory: Looks like a fun comedy, but not enough information here to see more than just the superficial story. I could guess that he redeems himself to his kids, after lots of mishaps, but I'm putting my own story knowledge in.Craft: Pretty good.
Dusty Fincher (Level 3)
I think you've gotten the idea of your story across pretty well. I actually think the title is a bit bland though, even if it is fairly descriptive of what you're trying to get across. I really don't know how I feel about the logline, honestly. As written, I don't know that I'm excited to read the script, but at the same time, I know what that script is gonna be about. I'm not one to try to re-write the line to improve it because I don't know the details of the script, but it seems to be serviceable. I might want to change the title at a later date, though, if I were you.
Erol Ata (Level 2)
Not sure if i'm digging the title here. Sounds like it could be a Marta Stewart deal. I do like the logline though. This could be a very humorous, something a Billy Bob Thornton type character would play, throw in a couple bratty kids and I think this will work well.
Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)
This one is very close to being excellent. It earned a very good from me. It just needs a little trimming. Consider something like this: A father saves his kids' music program with a bake sale. And that's a miracle because he doesn't know the difference between a cake pan and a rolling pin. Good luck with the screenplay.
Felipe D. Machado (Level 4)
The logline craft is not bad. It feels like a high character movie and honestly, it's tough for a logline to do those movies justice.Having said that, the story feels more like a short than a feature. That's not to say you can make it into a terrific feature. I have no idea whatyour plans are. It just reads a bit like a short story to me... at least for right now.The title seems pretty generic too, which adds to the whole "short" vibe I'm getting from this.As I mentioned, that's not to say this can't be a terrific character study (feature or short). I'm just judging on the impression it gives me. Best of luck.
Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)
Bake sale certainly captures the basic premise of your storyline. The word choice of "lowlife" seems weak and unendearing. The father obviously has his heart in the right place. Why not choose a more endearing word that captures this as well as his lack of skill. Finally, where is the high drama? Where are the BIG stakes - the BIG risks? Is a neighborhood block going to burn down or blow up? Does he have to face the wrath of his community for hideous cooking smells? How can you kick up the drama?Continued good success.
Gary Rademan (Level 5)
The title is comedy which meshes well with the log.The story identifies out hero, his objective and an obstacle but misses the heart of the story: The father's motivation. What makes him want to be a better father? One word could make the difference. A word like "divorced" could do wonders. Right now, the log describes a funny sequence in a movie and may not be enough for a feature. Complications would add some story. Humorous observation: The log spends half it's length telling us the story is funny. GOOD!
Greg Tonnon (Level 5)
The title is certainly appropriate for the story. The logline is concise and to the point. One thing that I'm not sure about is a "lowlife father" deciding to "impress his kids by saving their school's music program with a bake sale". Doesn't sound like a lowlife. If he is trying to redeem himself, you should say so.
James Hughes (Level 5)
Is this a pot movie? Is he selling laced brownies to raise money? Not 100% sure but if not, then not sure what the meat of this movie is. If it is a pot movie than I can imagine how to fill an hour and a half. Your craft is very good.
JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)
This needs more details. The logline is the first fifteen minutes of the film and that's all. Surely the whole film can't take place at the bake sale, and if it does, then what happens at the bake sale? Or does the movie take place before the bake sale?Again, this needs the second and what leads to to the third act.
Jo Gates (Level 3)
I wonder if there's enough here for a feature. It sounds like a solid conflict, decent title, potentially crazy scenes--but I'm not sure about two hours of this. That's not to say that it couldn't get there; it would depend on the answers to many underlying questions. Why do the kids care about the bake sale? What has the father done in the past to be "lowlife" and why does he need to redeem himself now? Why does he choose this way, to which he is obviously ill-suited? If the answers intrigue, then this could be good.
Jordan Littleton (Level 4)
Maybe there's a story here. If the father makes "special" brownies, like the kind you can get in Amsterdam, then maybe this story could be funny. However, reading about some guy trying to bake some cookies, to save a music program, doesn't interest me.
Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)
Aahh, very nice. I see the genre, what it's about, the conflict. The only thing - it's very little about the kids in it, I wish it was more about them. Do they need the music program at all? What if he can't save the program, what happens next - one of these questions has to be answered, I think.It's still another Excellent for me.
Kim M Brantley (Level 3)
Great title and the title ably sets up the logline. The logline is concise and to the point. It clearly outlines the story.You have a clear protagonist in a "lowlife father" and you have given him a clear goal in wanting to impress his kids by becoming involved in their school activities.You have also created great irony for him in that he is confronted with taking on a huge endeavor to bake a lot of goodies, yet he lacks the skill to do so.The genre is also clear in that this is a family comedy.
Kirk White (Level 5)
it has potential but I'm not quite connecting...maybe it's that you call him a "lowlife" which gives me thoughts that he's a criminal; I'm not sure. I would like to see a wee more detail as to the unique struggle he's going to go through: what is he lacking and what will he gain by this journey?
Kisha King (Level 4)
The title is goodThe logline is also good. I like the story but I don't see the obstacles the protagonist is going to endure through the story like will he have to go to a cooking school or something. The logline needs to be a little more interesting to make me want to feel like I really have to read this story.
KP Mackie (Level 5)
This story appears to be a dramatic comedy. Hopefully, this well-meaning dad has a wife or girlfriend so there's some romance too.A clear protagonist, plus all sorts of color from the baked goods and maybe some cool music. Assume he's going to eventually improve, perhaps reminiscent of Robin Williams's portrayal of "Mrs. Doubtfire." Lots of potentially hilarious situations, as long as the father is not transformed into a complete buffoon.Not crazy about the term "lowlife." Suggests a man without a job, maybe a drug problem, or personal hygiene issues. Might be more inspirational if he's a super-busy businessman whose marriage is on the rocks and he decides to make changes to save it. Or, the wife's a professional who's career is presently more successful than his and the father worries that they are drifting apart. Or maybe not...Catchy and memorable title. A perfect choice. Love the well-written story idea and will defer to the writer's good judgment. Excellent logline.
Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)
I'm not sure if the stakes are high enough, even for a family film. Saving the public school music program? This is spoken as a musician and a former music teacher: I don't think you'll get audience members to care enough about it.Most of this genre of films (saving X by doing Y) usually require a more devastating stake, like the closure of the family business (livelihood!) or the closure of an orphange (all those kids!) but not the closure of a school band (all those squeaky out-of-tune clarinets!).
Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)
This sounds like the start of something but to me, the way it's written, doesn't sound like a feature length idea. Is the whole movie the bake sale? Is he baking everything himself? I guess that's why you told us he "doesn't know the difference between a cake pan and a rolling pin". When you hold a bake sale, other people donate stuff to be sold. So to run one I don't think it would be a big deal if you couldn't bake. So that whole last half of your logline sort of sunk it for me. The first part sounds intriguing though. Worth working on I'd say.
Martin Jensen (Level 5)
This could be a touching, small comedy-drama. While there aren't great stakes physically, there are great stakes emotionally. There are a few logic problems though. Surely even a "lowlife father" would have something that he's actually good at that he could use to raise money, rather than trying to learn something entirely new? Also, a bake sale would raise nowhere near enough money to save a school's music program, unless it was a very small school. I think a little more detail could help clear up these problems in the logline, although you've undoubtedly addressed them in the script.
Martin Lancaster (Level 4)
This sounds like a fun family comedy with a clear dramatic throughline. I just wonder if you could focus more on the father/kids relationship, make it more specific. What kind of lowlife is he? Why does he need to impress his kids? That would help us understand the situation and motivation.Good
Masoud Soheili (Level 4)
It seems nice,but i don't know how its possible to be a feature,If it could be hold audience in their chairs,it will be more than "Good" The logline is so nice and simple.I like simple story like it but depends on you could expanse it not so simple!
Matthew Fettig (Level 5)
Your title is OK but not very creative. Since I expect this is a comedy, look for something that conveys that humor. Think of Kindergarten Cop or Daddy Day Care. Both of those leave you no doubt that the movies are comedies.On the same token, the logline doesn't have the punch of a strong comedy. You've got a fairly mundane situation (the closing of a school program) and a mundane solution (a bake sale). Liven this up! Give it some pop!So the dad's a lowlife. Why? Has he abandoned his family? What motivates him to all of a sudden want to impress his kids? Do the kids care? Make us see the humor that, hopefully, is present in the script,
Michael Cornetto (Level 5)
Sounds like cute light fare. Certainly lots of movies along that vein are made each year. Even the title works. I'm not too sure how intriguing it is because I can already see how it's going to play out in my mind. But good work.
Michael Dalzell (Level 2)
Sounds like you're setting up what could be a cute comedy, though I am thrown by the "lowlife" reference. It makes it seem as if there could be a dark element here -- like, is this guy a pervert? Assuming this is a comedy, consider a title that plays a little more on the incongruity of the situation (a guy who can't bake getting involved with this.) Maybe something like "Half Baked" would be a little bit more of an attention-grabber.
Michael Hughes (Level 4)
I think the title is good and I like the setup for the story. It has a light, comedic feel which comes through clearly. I am not sure there is enough indicated in just the logline for the entire movie, but I guess it's the point of the logline to pull us in with just a little bit. I think that if I am correct about it being a comedy, maybe "lowlife", as a description for the dad, might have too dark a feeling. Is he actually a criminal or is he just a really un-attentive dad trying to change his ways? For me a little more of that relationship would help fill out the story for me.anyway, good job, thanks.
MJ Hermanny (Level 5)
title: dull. I don't want to watch a movie about selling baked goods.story: this seems to have a big plot hole in that other people bring stuff to sell at a bake sale so he doesn't actually need to bake anything but I can see you've got a nice idea about a family comedy in there.craft: craft is good, this is well constructed.overall: doesn't interest me and I seriously suggest a title change but your craft is good.
Mohammad Nawaz (Level 4)
A family comedy? First one I've seen so far but I'm giving you thumbs up for trying something new. So the logline is good but you don't mention an antagonist. I think with a story like this, you need to. Perhaps another father who is running his own bake sale? I dunno but you really need something to carry this through.
Nick Miranda (Level 4)
There’s something major missing from this logline. I know what’s at stake, you did a good job establishing that. I know a little about the character, so points to you on that, as well. But what I’m not seeing in the opposition that he’s going to face. Who/what is trying to stop him from saving the music program (or from just doing the bake sale)? That is an important bit of information that really puts the icing on the proverbial cake.Otherwise, I think you have a creative, humanistic story going and I hope it works out.
Olga Tremaine (Level 4)
Could be a good family film. The logline is well put together, you defined the protag, his mission and obstacles. My only problem is, who is the bad guy here?
Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)
Hilarity ensues.Might I say that this is too simple? I mean, you might pull off writing this script, but I don't see the direct conflict or interesting angle.Maybe if he had to work in the restaurant of his ex-wife or something, that's inherent drama right there.
Pete Barry (Level 5)
This is very well written, right-to-the-point. You've got your protagonist with identifying adjective, stakes, and the last phrase is funny in a sitcomish sort of way.I have to admit, this doesn't make me laugh out loud or get my blood pumping. The title is extremely generic - any kind of play-on-words or twist could help. Maybe an explanation of how low this lowlife really is - are we talking Billy Bob Thorton in the Bad News Bears remake? One incident could focus the script and sell me more - like if he tried to sell pot brownies (yes, it's been done) or buys Little Debbies on the black market, or something concrete. As a logline, it works, and I'm sure the story means something to you - try to give a little more to really hook a reader.
Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)
The title is strong in that I knew it would be a comedy and I'm immediately clear what it'll be about.The concept is one that gives you plenty of material to work with. It's a good fish out of water comedy situation. I'm not sure if it sets my heart racing, since it is a bit mundane, but with the right star in the lead it might.The logline technique works well. I wonder if there is a way to make it seem more exciting or to have more at stake. Perhaps you could give us a sense of who the antagonist of the story is.
Reginald McGhee (Level 0)
The title is generic but fits the logline. I would keep the title as it is, unless you have another title in mind. The only thing I do not like about the title is that it makes a bake sale the central focus of the screenplay, when the protagonist’s goal to impress is children is the premise.The setup is not there. The setup is the motivation to impress the children. What is his motivation? The lowlife father has something to do with his peers rejecting him because he is an embarrassing father or something to be going to a music program. We know who the protagonist is, the Lowlife father. He moves the story forward, and we see that his goal is to impress the children. The goal gives me a clear picture in my head. I am guessing that the antagonistic force of the screenplay is his lack of knowledge on how to bake a cake. I do not know who the antagonist is. What is at sake? The antagonist should be included, rather stated directly, or implied in a logline. Adding the antagonist helps me to see what is at stake. Right now, I just do not care about the lowlife father. I am guessing that the ally is his children, since they are the once who cannot accept him in the race.The story is original, but I feel that the logline you gave us does not fulfill the pages of an entire screenplay. If you add the antagonist, the screenplay will stand out.The genre is clearly a Comedy movie. I have not noticed any grammar errors.
Richard Buckley (Level 4)
Technically this logline isn't bad, I have a hard time imagining this as a feature. It doesn't set-up much to carry a feature in my opinion.I think another obstacle other than his inability to bake would give it more legs.
Rick Hansberry (Moderator)
A great underdog triumph story idea. Sounds like the Dad isn't much of a lowlife - how about down on his luck? Or unemployed? It's got two positives in healing the relationship with his kids and saving the music program but I think you need a more pronounced antagonist - maybe a spiteful ex-wife? - to sustain a prolonged battle here. Still, I get a good vibe from this. Good luck.
Robert Chipman (Level 4)
How is he going to save the school's music program? If the school board decides to cut it, then that would be it. Besides that, you don't give us many details beyond the initial set up. If the father is a lowlife, why would he care about saving the music program at his kids school? I can see the hilarity that would ensue based on this logline, but again, not much detail is given to the reader about what is to be expected. Overall, with the confusion about the father and the lack of deatils, I can't rate this logline that high.
Rustom Irani (Moderator)
This is a sweet, funny premise that has great universal appeal and a title to match.However, it needs some details about set-up and back story which I feel is lacking.How has he been a lowlife and been a disappointment to his kids? How does he realise that his kids think he's no good as a dad?Why does the school's music program need to be saved? Are the kids lovers of music?What skills does the guy possess, or is he a total loser?What is it besides his ineptitude that is going to come in his way from going through with the bake sale?I wish you'd given me more fleshed out details. Just a hint of back-story would work wonders at this.
Sally Meyer (Moderator)
Maybe changing him to a clueless father, a hapless father, an out of touch with reality, father. But a lowlife father makes me instantly not want to watch this guy.Just changing that word would help this logline so much. We'd be rooting for him if he was a recently widowed father, even a stepfather wanting to impress his stepkids and make his marriage stronger.Good title. Could be very good if you change that one word.
Sean Chipman (Level 4)
I don't know if I can see a whole story here. It really seems more like a half hour comedy show episode. That's keeping in mind that you tell us nothing about the second act. You hardly tell us about the first act. Details are what entice people into wanting to read more.Nothing special but nothing bad.Good.
Tim Westland (Moderator)
Title: Spot on for the type of movie this will be.Logline: A bit spare and missing something... but I don't care... I can see the light comedy this would be and think you get across what I need. Very good.
Trent Carroll (Level 4)
I like this. I really, really like this. This is clearly a comedy with an anti-hero father. I'm a little hesitant with your choice in description of him as a lowlife but it doesn't change the fact that I'm hooked.You presented an interesting character that has a motivation, a conflict, and an obstacle. I would be more than willing to read what happens to him.I can't believe I'm saying this but Excellent. Well done. The only faults are of the character, as it should be.
William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)
I'm not really feeling this logline. I will come back to it and give it another go.I've come back to this and I can't help but think this premise is a little short to be a feature. It plays as one joke and I can see it getting old over 90+ pages.The logline needs more - something else that would give the reader a twist - or another conflict outside of the simple idea of the father not knowing the difference between a cake pan and a rolling pin.Could he be barging in on PTA territory? Where the head of PTA is an uptight prude who sees him as a lowlife and tries to sabotage him in some way?With something else added to this logline, whatever it may be, would definitely add and dispell the one joke idea that I feel it is as it reads currently.
William Coleman (Level 5)
Your title "Bake Sale"isn't going to pack in audiences - unless a big A-level comic star is attached to the project. As for the logline, i don't see enough there for a feature film. This strikes me as the first sentence of a two sentence - or even three sentence - logline. How does he succeed? Does someone help him learn? There needs to be another element in this logline. Is the father married? Divorced? Is he trying to get back in the good graces of his family - to get back the love of his kids, his ex-wife, if there is one. At the heart of this is the beginning of a family comedy, but you need to suggest a little more if you want to lure a studio reader to ask to see your script.
William D. Prystauk (Level 5)
I like this. The logline is well written and the title obviously fits. Something's off, however, and it may be the "to impress his kids" line. Since he's a lowlife, does he want to just impress his children, or do something to win back their love? If that's stronger the reader/audience may care all the more.Sounds like a great comedy to write. So enjoy!
William Dunbar (Level 5)
This is clear and concise and gives a good idea of what the script will be like. The one thing I'd quibble with is the word "lowlife", which seems a bit too harsh for how I imagine this guy. A real "lowlife" wouldn't do something like this. How about "deadbeat" or "layabout" or "good-for-nothing"? Anyway, good job.
Comments Made After the Contest
Zach Jansen (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2012 12:30 AM
I posted this in the contest thread, but it should be here as well:Despite not advancing -- and the lack of enthusiasm from the reviews -- I'm going to finish the script anyway (I'm about half-way done with the first draft).I figured I should've added more to the logline. Like the stripper. And the drill sergeant baking instructor. And the porn.Ah, well, live and learn.
KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2012 12:31 AM
ZJ --One of my handful of excellents. I could see it easily as a feature.I was keeping my fingers crossed for this one... drat.
Zach Jansen (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2012 12:32 AM
Oh, yeah -- this isn't a family film. At all. Unless your family is all over 18 years old. Then you're fine. But otherwise, leave the kiddies at home.
Zach Jansen (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2012 1:33 PM
I didn't notice last night, but I didn't get a POOR for this. Other than the one for "The Daily Grind" -- which still makes no sense to me -- I'm doing pretty good in that area.If anyone's interested in reading the script when I get a draft or two finished, let me know.
Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 10/18/2012 12:00 AM
Hey Zach, I look forward in reading the draft to this.