Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Mitchell (Level 3)

I was debating whether to give this a "good" or "very good" rating but felt it would be unfair to go with the former. Here's why: You're writing is perfect. It is smooth and gets right to the point without having to stretch into a ramble of words. The story is also impressive. Very unique and has its own style. But the only problem I have with it is the manner in which you present the story. While there is nothing wrong with the nonlinear (I am assuming that it's non-linear) approach you took, there should be more hints about what might have come of the family. Yes the died but if you want the reader to really feel John's suffering, then you need to add a little more to their deaths. Other than this, I enjoyed reading your story. Keep it up!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

You have a spelling mistake right in the very first line, the first slugline; it is "prairie land", not "prarieland". Spellcheckers are useful, but daunt thrust them entirely, day daunt ketch owl spelling mystiques.

Also, long-ish action paragraphs (at first sight). I think you can break them up more, although the five pages were tight as it is I can see. I understood readers in Hollywood try to find any reason to put down your screenplay, so better not give them any reasons...

I personally don't mind (story is most important), just noting it.

Love the way you hook me into the story! He takes pictures, flies back, and I am asking myself "why"? And I keep on reading.

And then you keep me on the hook, page after page, which can work, if there is a grand ending. I feel the ending wasn't strong enough to carry it. John is a weak character, too much of a coward to keep on living, even after he had a successful career? The last scene is exposition; you tell us his life story by showing photographs.

Why take the pictures and put them up on the wall? Why not shoot himself on the prairie?

Sounds like this one might need a big budget. You have many different locations, far apart. Crew will have to be relocated. The locations rented.

Page three, Robert, who I'm guessing is John's boss?) says that he will "some day" demand that John gets his shit together? I don't thing that is how it goes down. When you see an employee has a problem, you pull him into your own room or a meeting room and you discuss it right then and there. Or you ignore it. Sometimes you don't want to do something about it, but then you pretend you haven't seen it. This makes Robert look weak, and that doesn't match with the fact that he appears to have been successful at the office. Nothing personal. Business is business. Money needs to be made. Hit your targets or hit the pavement, kind of thing. That is far more likely.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

"Prarieland" misspelled.

Is the car parked on the side of the road? In the prairie?

Does John take a photo when he faces the other three directions?

"convey superior presence, older and more experienced". You're telling me, not showing me. Robert's description and dialogue are sufficient to sell his role.

A couple more instances of inside information such as "It is also time for her to leave."

The last scene can be broken into several paragraphs.

You have a somber and powerful tale. Your formatting and spelling issues are easily fixed. My main concern is John's motivation to build a faux prairie, rather than go to the actual prairie to commit suicide.

I'm also not crazy about the title. The story is built around a prairie, why not throw the word in the title?

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

This seemed to be squeezed in and I didn't follow it all, but overall I liked the story and think it has potential.

A man sufferings from grief that we don't fully know about, but we assume to be the loss of his wife and children, seeks to join them but staging a suicide in a replica room. There is something about setting up a stage for this act whilst normal life goes on. I appreciate not every story has to be fully explained but the detail was a little vague and maybe a little more would help.

Perhaps the offcie scenes could have been trimmed.

One has to question why he wouldn't want to do the same thing in the place he visited and photographed?

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I foresaw something like the ending you have about the time that John said that everything was alright 'somewhere'. Perhaps it was because I was anticipating this, but everything leading up to the suicide kind of felt like filler material. The writing itself is fairly lean and clear, but I think I'm missing the overall story. His family is dead, he's depressed and has an elaborate suicide plan... is that about right? I guess the larger issue is there isn't any drama in here. The story plays out fairly straightforward. I never had a sense that John was torn over his premeditated suicide, nor that he was all that upset, just that he was depressed. I think there is good potential here, but it needs some kind of hook.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This script could be tightened up considerably. We're given so many details that we don't need. Does it matter at all if the car is a rental or has South Dakota plates? There's also some passive writing here that you could do without.

The story is dark, but I'm not sure it added up for me. I gather that he lost his wife for sure, probably his entire family but it's really only alluded to so I'm not sure. Whoever he lost, he wants to kill himself in a field, but instead of just going to the field and killing himself, he takes pictures and recreates the scene in a new room at his house? Why didn't he just go to South Dakota and kill himself in the real field? Why go to all that trouble for something he could have just hopped in a car or plane to get to? I just didn't really get his logic.

Overall, I thought this had some potential, but it needs to be tightened and polished a little bit more. Nice work and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

First impresspion, it was a good story. Your writing is pretty clear and easy to follow. I don't really understand the character's arc, but that could be me.

I don't understand why you give Robert and Katelyn, physical descriptions, but give the reader nothing on John's appearance. Now based on John's actions and job, I have a pretty good idea of what kind of person he is, but other than that, I don't have a picture on what he should look like. Does he have a goatee? Is his face riddled with years' of stress? Maybe, I'm looking into too much. Just my opinion.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

CHECK FOR TYPOS - your very first slug line reads PRARIELAND not PRAIRIE LAND!

While this was interesting I found it hard to follow. I wasn't sure what had happened to the guy's family though I'm not sure if that's important, but mainly, why did he bother to build the room? Why did he not just shoot himself on the prairie instead of taking the photographs?

I also felt there was too much office-based stuff. I quickly got the idea he wasn't performing well at work yet you felt the need to include many scenes to illustrate this when your time would have been better spent expanding on the breakdown side of the story so it had more impact.

Good potential.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Wow! I love this. I love everything about this.

It is haunting and beautiful, like poetry. Nothing is wasted. There is much that is left unsaid and yet I find it all intriguing.

Simply excellent!

Chris Setten (Level 4)

While this story doesn't blow you away with raw power, it does gently caress the reader with a deft touch. The use of subtext is superb. The characters are so well drawn and consistent and distinct from one another. The dialogue is highly realistic especially John (I work in those circles so I feel I i know authenticity in this realm). One could feel the forward motion of the story yet the pacing was relaxed, in no hurry to rush to the climax. Overall , I became curious about this world and how things got to be the way they are. I think as a film this would make a really good calling card.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Probably the most complex script I've read this round. It's difficult, but it's so well done that it makes you want to understand. And I think it captures the main character's state of depression without being overly sentimental. Rather, like him, it remains neutral.

Craig Phillips (Level 1)

Sharply written, intriguing. I like the almost dreamlike elements woven in, David Lynch-like. Not sure the dramatic ending pays off emotionally; not the depressing aspects of it but just that it's telegraphed a bit. Dialogue could be stronger in places. But the short piece has an appropriately bleak tone and I like the use of the landscape plus the house as a reflection of a barren psyche. Promising, if not quite there yet.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This has a feeling of being edited down to make five pages. It went all over the place and I had trouble connecting all of the scenes. Plus people came and went and I wasn't sure of who was who after awhile. There is some nice description, but I'm not positive what he was doing. Copying the prairie at his house so could kill himself there? Why not just do it in the first scene in the prairie?

"KATELYN
I’m so surprised you put in this
new room. I know how much time
your wife spent with Dave and
Sandra to design and furnish your
house. And this was her favorite
room."

That's idiot dialogue. One character telling another character what they both already know so we can eavesdrop. I think we're all guilty of it from time to time.

I honestly think with more pages this could be an interesting story.

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

David M Troop (Level 4)

The New Room
It's a little small, but look at this view.

This was probably the most expensive and elaborate suicide I've ever seen. Until the next contest at least.
Stories about the death of a loved one or family and the impact it leaves on the ones left behind usually make for good drama. Ordinary People and more recently The Descendants are two that come to mind.
The New Room is extremely well-written. The formatting is perfect. The story is powerful. But, shouldn't there be some emotion as well?
John goes through his life emotionless, which is understandable, but it doesn't make me feel anything towards him. It's hard to feel sorry for him if you don't know what he's going through. However, if John sat in a chair, drank scotch, and stared at pictures of his family, that would just be another Lifetime Channel movie.
So, why build the room? Other than for dramatic effect, I don't know. John flies to the spot of their family camping vacations to take pictures of the land so he can recreate it at his home and kill himself. Why not just fly out there at the end of the story and do it then and there?
Maybe it's just me, but it seemed this suicide was too meticulously planned.
I thought the story about John at work was excellent. I just didn't see why he would go to all the trouble and expense to make the room.
It was almost like when they deal with serious issues on a sitcom. "Tonight on a special episode of Man Cave."

Overall, I thought The New Room was VERY GOOD.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

Man distraught over family being gone. are they dead or did she leave him? I'd like to know. Why didn't he want to participate in the meetings? You have mysteries but didn't resolve to tell them by the end. The last description paragraph is too long. Needs to break it up with white space. I didn't connect with any characters. I tried to, but I couldn't. Tighten this up and it will be better. Good job.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

-- A depressed man builds a room in an existing room --

A wonderfully depressing piece!

First question - why didn't he off himself when he was out in the fields? Second question - What happened to the family? I gotta know that stuff. I'm not used to being told what characters are thinking -- I liked it. This is the type of story I expected for the open challenge. I liked John's return to good spirits as he got closer to his end.

VG!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is okay but it is one of those titles that makes more sense after you read the story. I prefer a title that tells the reader a little something about the story and/or the genre going in.
Craft - your craft is mostly good but you misspell "prairieland" as "prarieland" three times that I noticed (once in a scene heading). Also, "FADE IN" should have a colon after it, not a period.
Dialogue - the dialogue is fine. It seems to be natural and realistic for these characters.
Story - the story is good and interesting and I did not see the ending coming.

James C. Schlicker (Level 1)

I had no idea where this was going until the very last page. Quite a surprise ending. I understand why John wanted the room done as he did. It was the way he chose to reconnect with his family whom, the reader has to guess here, has lost them all either through some horrible accident, or through divorce. I don't get the suicide though unless in his mind he thought they were all there with him at that moment and he could rejoin them, or he was leaving a message to his family that on that vacation he was the happiest he had ever been and without them he had nothing and nothing to live for.
Good writing.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Wow, wow, wow....

I teared up from this. I absolutely loved it. You were so descriptive, I felt how like I was watching the film. I could read that the cinematography was amazing, haha. I love that you kept hinting that he was wealthy so the ending could be pulled off. I loved how you mentioned the loss of his wife toward the middle and not from the beginning. I loved the part when he didn't have to peak and you still felt his emotion. Aw, it was amazing.

The huge blocks of action shouldn't be there, but the story was so engaging I didn't mind them. But in a revised draft, I would break them up. You probably have a seven page script if you did so.

Again, I loved this. My first excellent out of the 16 I've read so far.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

What a brilliant hook this has! Starting it with him taking the four photos is such an intruiging and original mystery.

Unfortunately, I didn't feel the pay off was anywhere near as good, it was interesting, but struck me as a little illogical. Why on earth would he go through the pain of dragging out his bereavement to build this room when he could just shoot himself in the very prarieland he is recreating? Is it really that importand that he dies in the comfort of his own home?

Other than that core illogic, this was pretty darn good. Very well written, superb dialogue, the infomation craftily given away so very gradually. Well Done!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Melanie - when you first introduce her, you say that she's on the other side of his door. You say "she hesitates" - but it all happens in his room. No big deal, and I'm sure not many will notice or grade for it - it's just good to watch these things.

I understand something happened to his family and he was unhappy since then. He decided to do something drastic with a new room to remind him of prairieland - is that because his life is just like it since his wife passed away? is it because his life is pretty much lifeless? And that's why he committed suicide in the end - couldn't take it anymore.

I liked it, but I think it's too many characters for such a simple idea.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I got the sense of where this was headed early on...and not certain if it was telegraphed or if I've just found a kindred spirit writer. the romantic in me kept hoping for a twist to come and save him but in the end, I guess we all have our little rooms to face.

there's nothing I can say by way of criticism for this superbly crafted and haunting piece so I'm giving this an excellent. I hope this one places.

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is a really nice story.
The story seems to have many parts that don't seem to cajole. There seem to be alot of things happening but all of them seem thrown into the story, even the ending.

Most of the scenes do not connect to the other scenes good enough to make this a easy read.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Wonderful visual quality in such a sad situation. Am particularly fond of South Dakota and love the mental picture of the north, south, east, and west of John's photo.
The description is so well done that it easily pulls a reader, hence an audience, into the story. Might tighten the dialogue here and there. One or two lines max could heighten the words' importance. John's mental state might limit the amount of talking he would do. Wonder if his sudden willingness to show up to a meeting and actively participate fits. Probably could omit the entire scene without any negative impact.
Elicited some emotion, and that's always good.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

My first reaction after reading the script: I'm not sure why John went to all the trouble. Why didn't he just kill himself in the opening scene? Why remake his house, why plan every minute detail, why spend all that money just to kill yourself anyway? I reread the script and still missed it.

"Prarieland" is misspelled in the opening slugline. A mistake like that right away does not inspire confidence in the reader, and needs to be the first thing corrected. Should be "prairie" or "prairieland." There are several other instances of this mistake throughout the script. (Nitpick: FADE IN should be followed by a colon, not a period.)

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm not sure if I like the title or not. I think I need to know the story before I decide one way or the other.

"John leans against the floor to ceiling window in his large office. He gazes out upon the Manhattan skyline."

I can't tell you how long it took me to figure this visual out. I had him lying on his back staring out a skylight, reclining on the floor staring out a wall window, and leaning back in a chair staring out both. "Floor-to-ceiling" would have saved me a good minute of reading time here. I know a brighter bulb would get it sooner, but you're writing for people like me, too. I think.

Okay. I've read the whole thing and the title is good.

You get a little wordy and could edit this down by enough lines to space the ending better. You don't really need the scenes outside John's house. The interior will speak to his affluence, and large windows will reveal the setting of the home.

I don't really like that he commits suicide by shooting himself. It's hard to envision him doing something that violent in the home he shared with the wife and kids he loved so much. I think that's because I believe they're all dead and his goal is to join them. Maybe some strong sleeping medication a doctor prescribed after he lost his family instead?

I like the story. It could be a couple of pages longer, though.

Nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Interesting ending. I like how you built up a mystery as to his motives for the redecoration, but ultimately his actions are not completely understandable.

There were a few questions in dialogue that didn't have question marks (e.g. "What is it, Melanie."). You might want it said in a deadpan way but there should still be a question mark at the end.

I know it's a cliche, but you could do some more showing instead of telling in your description. For example, "convey a superior presence, older and more experienced", describing Robert, could be cut as it's suggested by his physical characteristics.

Good.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

Very well written. The descriptions were concise yet evoked the mood of the story very well. The dialog was also well written, it was realistic, moved the story forward well and didn't seem forced. The changes in location moved smoothly and had me reading faster to see what was going to happen.
Excellent techinque.
I had only very minor comments about the story itself which revolve around John's decision to kill himself, and when the decision was made. At a certain point it was clear what his intention was. What had me hooked was why he was carrying it out in the way that he was. You had shown in the story John handling a meeting like "the old John", Sort of an indication that he had made a decision, but he must have made a decision prior to that to have gone thru the trouble of taking the pictures, having the wall paper made, etc. etc. In fact if he had already made a decision to kill himself when he took the pictures, why not just blow your brains out in the actual prarie? I think it is very interesting that he might have been preparing for things but not sure whether he would take the final step or not. That is the part of the story that I think could make things even more interesting, his indecision but still getting everything prepared in case.
Very nice job. Good luck.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was very interesting to read. You did a great job with the build up. I was alwaqys going, "Why did he do that?". "What's going on here?". That really kept me turning pages.

The dialog was great and I like how you left it ambiguous as to what happened to his family. In the end though, I was a bit disappointed that it was just a gunshot suicide. Not to belittle that in real life, but I was just expecting something more original from such a well crafted setup.

But there was some really nice imagery and symbolism here. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

The opening is very strong, you creat great tension with compelling visual images that hooked me in.

I was very curious to know what John was creating.

I think katelyn is a superfluous character, she doesn´t add anything to the story, Robert has already told us that there has been a tragedy of some sort which John is struggling to cope with and the dialogue between John and Katelyn on page 4 is very on the nose and unnatural, particularly this line:

"I know how much time
your wife spent with Dave and
Sandra to design and furnish your
house. And this was her favorite
room"

There´s no subtext and it completely pulled me out of the story.

The story then kind of peters out for me. It didn´t surprise me or move me, I was just left wondering why he didn´t kill himself at the campsite instead of recreating it in the house.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Title:
Interesting. Depends if it is symoblic. Could just be about a new room.

Pg 1:
Very interesting. Good descriptions. What the hell is going on. Hooked.

Pg 2:
Okay, so he's going to build a room which matches exactly with the prairie landscape? I think you need to take quite a few exact photo's with that. Needs to match up ey. But this is now getting a bit messy. Switching around a lot.

Pg 3:
Alright, getting the plan together. Landscaper says it doesn't make sense. I think something about the prairie land? Katlyn makes a late entry. Does she really need a name. Is she someone important?

Pg 4:
Name dropping. Okay, so he lost a wife. We learn that quite late but okay. And end the page with a meeting. Such a strong entry, but it is getting quite dull now.

Pg 5:
Wow, yeah so it was building up to this. Glad he died there in a room he put so much effort into, instead of just offing himself in the very prairie land he camped in. Don't understand why he had to build an entire new room, instead of it just being a cool concept.

The concept of the room building just doesn't match with the plot. The dramatic information comes way too late. Specially the family (which comes in a huge exposition paragraph). Well written, surely, but overall just a bit too messy. Specially with the unneeded buisiness angle.

Peter Breeze (Level 1)

I thought the "New Room" overall was very good. It read well. The character of John was developed nicely. The only thing that I missed on this story was what happened to his family. Did they die in North Dakota or did he kill them and bury them on the prarie. I might have missed something. Being a novice screenwriting myself I feel somwhat uncomfortable about critiquing another writer's work who is no doubt vastly more proficient than me.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I have not notice any grammar errors. However, you can tighten up the descriptions to pace up the screenplay. I see a lot of telling rather than showing. It reads a little like a novel.

The story is about an executive redecorating his house to create the “New Room,” while he convinces his people that his room is his new office space. Next, a car undercover shoots him for no reason, which I find random. I find other plot devices to be random too. I don’t understand why the dude in the car shoots John. I do not feel engaged to any of the characters for some reason. This story has some good potential as a good movie, but I don’t quite understand the theme and premise. I am sorry.

Try to develop the shooter in more detail, and I might understand his motivation as to why they shot John.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Sad and poignant. The way John has 'checked out' of life is made obvious and I kept waiting for the shift of his mindset but it never came - maybe that was your plan but John lacks an arc. He ends the piece in the same place he began (except he's dead of course) and the tragic thing is that his death brings no justice or redemption for his family that has passed before him. What I think would make the script more powerful is to show John overcoming something as a result of his family's passing. Actually bringing to life something that he was blocked from doing previously -- this way, he gets to bring into reality something he wasn't able to do before the tragedy and he becomes more heroic - There's excellent craft here and nicely paced script but I wanted more of an arc for John to show the change he undergoes as a result of his journey.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

Hard to find flaws with the writing here. Visual and tight. To nitpick, John's first line of dialogue needs a question mark.

The logic of the piece, however, is flawed. His master plan for the new room is compelling and wonderful -- a great idea, really -- but given his intent, the obvious solution is to commit the deed at the actual site itself, not some facsimile that he creates in his house. Again, a great concept, but flawed.

My other problem is the clunky exposition at the end, with a parade of what must be at least a dozen photographs. Photos are always the easy way out with backstory, and here they not only reach the point of overkill, but they actually raise more questions than they answer. Three children?

I like the central idea -- very much -- but the execution of this idea that fits every piece together in a seamless fashion is not quite in place yet.

Very good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

The very first slugline has a spelling error. That's not a good start. Always proofread or get someone with fresh eyes to do that for you.

On my second read, I'm wondering if you can cut the airplane scene. It doesn't add much and would be really hard on the budget for a short film. It tells us that he flew somewhere to take his photos and that is important, but it's not really necessary to the story.

I had a hard time with this, because while I understand the loss of losing a family, the way that John deals with it, I just don't buy it. It's almost too much for me to believe he'd go to all that trouble to build a room to blow his head off, when he could have done it right there on the prairie.

You've got characters that come in and out of the story, (Katelynn) we don't know anything about her. She is unnecessary, and is only there so that she can give the reader some expositional information.

So while the story is sad and I felt his pain, I thought it was too contrived and unrealistic.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

Praireland should be Praire land I'm unsually not a dick when it comes to grammar but this just sticks out for me.

The dialouge doesn't offer much to the script.

The emotion and goal the writer wants to relay does not translate to this reader, I suggest a rewrite.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

Well written. The title is a little on the nose. I think that you transition well between scenes it has a very good flow. Along with that u seem to know your characters. The dialogue was also well written. Aside from the technicle aspects of script I liked the mood. Very cold. U captured his isolation well (watching the ice clink together during turbulence). I didn't really care for the ending. If he was going to kill himself the whole time. Why wouldn't he just do it in the opening scene? Why would he want to ruin his wife's favorite room to capture the essence of this place rather than just go there?

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I think there's a story in here somewhere, but I am not feeling any tension or drama. Page 1 is dull - nothing happens, the dialog does not grab me (no urgency if he goes to the meeting or not... and watching a guy drinking on a plane is not grabbing my attention). The story plods along... the clothing defines the otherwise nondescript characters who all have similar, bland personalities. This needs more edge and conflict to make it work. Start with the argument between John & his boss, give me something about John I can relate to to feel his trouble - instead he seems just bored. Let's have fewer scene changes & more interaction between the characters. I also suggest reducing the number of characters, some are irrelevant - like Melanie, the non-existent Jennifer and meaningless references to a family we never see (Sandra, and who exactly is Dave?). How am I supposed to feel his kids pain if I only see their photos?

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Beautifully written. Tremendous craft. A real winner.

About the only thing missing is some hint as to what happened to John's family that drove him to his final act.

Easy to fix.

This gets an Excellent from me.

William Phibbs (Level 2)

Thoroughly impressed with the flow and the imagery. Very concise and straightforward yet allows the mind to wander and try and figure out what is going to happen next. Kept me reading and eager to find out where the story was going to end at. The title works perfectly with the story as well as the scene structures behind it. You did very well at showing more than saying which is half the battle with any screenplay. Especially liked the addition of the sod in the living room. It was sad yet at the same time romantic in its own dark and morbid way. All together, great job. Dialogue was also sharp in the sense that it led the story in the direction it needed to go with a great pace for merely 5 pages.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2012 12:11 AM

I loved this. One of my favorites!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2012 12:17 AM

Robbed!!! I loved this too. Man, this was good. I just knew you were going to place. WEll done my man. Well done.

James Hughes (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 6:50 AM

Thanks for the comments and favorites. This was my first script to get at least a 3.00 average, so I am happy about that. It only took me two years :)

Michael Hughes (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2012 1:32 PM

Big Jim,
definitely in my top 4 or 5 of this round. Congrats. Not sure why it wasn't in the top picks.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 10:00 PM

Hey James --
Wrote a comment in addition to adding your script as a favorite, but it's gone. hmmm

I love the visual quality in your story. A VG from me, and most deserving of a favorite status.