Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

A sweet story of Mike trying to do the right thing.

I don't know what else to say. Great economy of words. I want to know more about Mike because he seems like a likable fellow but his brother Danny thinks he did some things wrong in his past. So I know just enough to want to know more about him. A sad/happy ending as Mike bonds with the two children, and does good, but he has to go. Me wanting to know more about Mike was a great idea for a hook, it kept me wanting to read on.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

A SWAT team Santa. I like it!

"We asked you to do simple one thing." Grammar error.

So Mike lives with Danny and Martha? And they're kicking him out on Christmas Day? Harsh.

I was hoping for an upbeat ending. Danny or Martha overhears Mike's tales and decide to let him stay. That sort of thing.

The tales have a lot of entertainment value. I suggest expanding the script length and devoting a few pages to Mike's problems and maybe introduce his ex-wife and kids as well.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Having finished the read, I feel so so about it. I liked the idea of a family drama at Christmas, I liked the idea of mike drifting off into fantasy and I liked the conflict about him staying or not.

Alas something was missing to make it hit the spot.

There were quite a few errors or strange phrases which didn't help the read and I would recommend a thorough review. For example, you use Mike as a character title then use uncle mike - could come across as two different people.

What would I suggest? I think I would keep it more focused, possibly just use the two brothers and make more reference to their parents, how they behaved and elude to why they have different approaches to life and see what pro's and con's you can develope with te children. If the children are to be used, then try and ellicit more emotion from them to identify the weaknesses to the rule.

All the best

Brian Howell (Level 5)

The opening scene really had me hooked. This is very creative. It is unfortunate that there are so many spelling/grammar type errors - I guess it wasn't that there was so many, but they occur in really key places and the error really stands out. Anyway, I like the writing style. The story feels a little thin, but the visuals were fantastic... a turkey with a flame thrower... that was great! Nice work.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written, paced and formatted pretty well. For a while there, I had really high hopes for this, but the ending fell a bit flat for me. There's no twist or climax or punchline here at all, it just ends. Uncle Mike's kinda a big kid type of guy, they kick him out of their house on Christmas morning (presumably because he burned the turkey. I don't know, that seems pretty harsh.) and then he leaves, the end. I don't know... It was just too straight-forward. I wanted to see some sort of twist come into play with the rules he laid out.

Technically the script is fine. Storywise, I think it could use some polish, at least at the end it needs something. Nice work & good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

*APPLAUD* Freaking brilliant in my mind. I loved the imagination behind Uncle Mike. You put a smile on my face. You had me wanting Mike to punch his brother in the face so bad. Great way to build characters.

There are a some grammar mistakes that I noticed throughout the script. And wouldn't it be easier to just call your character Mike instead of Uncle Mike in the script? Of course, the nieces refer to him by that name, but the reader can just call him Mike. I thought the ending was a bit unfilled, because I wanted Mike to do something redeemable, but I get your ending. Funny story.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked the opening scene and the cut to the charred turkey.

'We asked you to do simple one thing'??? We asked you to do simply one thing? We simply asked you to do one thing? We asked you to do one simple thing?

'As Martha pour in hot chocolate milk'?

This was different (in a good way) and sad at the end. I wished he could've stayed!

There were three different tones - the fantasy, the unpleasant atmosphere with the parents, the tenderness with the kids. I was 100% sure they all melded together. Not quite.

Great job though.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I loved this.

It was heartbreaking in the end. I especially like the way you mix the fantasy story-telling moments with the reality of this world. I felt so much for Mike.

You really moved me. Great script!

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

I really enjoyed the imaginary segments. The fight with the turkey was flat out hilarious, and could have been taken even further. The portions of the script from "real life" seem a bit trivial at times, but in the end they work really well in helping to describe Mike as a fleshed out character. His childlike imagination on the one hand, and his real-life struggles on the other.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This entry had emotion, which sets apart from many of the entries this month. It was a pretty good story, but seemed like it was written in a hurry and should have had some editing and corrections. The switching back and forth from the SWAT Santa worked. I don't think I'd give a known screw-up the "simple thing" of cooking the centerpiece of the Christmas meal, so that took me a little out of the story. But I'm just getting nit-picky now.

Good luck. Thanks for entering.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Wow. This story really hit me. Good work. Bittersweet and touching. I gave it an excellent. Still, there were a few quibbles: The second line of dialogue has two words transposed ("simple one thing" instead of "one simple thing."). There were a couple of typos. And I'd suggest you rework the dialogue on page two, I don't think you need to hit the Uncle-Mike-is-a-loser theme quite so hard. But all-in-all this story goes straight to the heart of what a great Christmas story should be, even though it doesn't have a classically happy ending I can accept that because the story ends on a note of hope for Uncle Mike. Really nice touch with the red boots, by the way, that next-to-last image really tied it all together. I'd also suggest you at least consider not having Danny close the door on Mike and end the story with the image of the red boots trudging through the thick snow.

David E Harding (Level 2)

Wonderful story! Outstandingly imaginative and I could easily see the action playing out in my mind’s eye. What I didn’t get was why the sad ending? Danny and is wife appear to be d-bags intent on sucking the life out of Christmas and denying their kids a great uncle. It gives a message of lost hope. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but it some how feels like a lost opportunity.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Merry Christmas and Get Out!

This story kind of reminded me of the old John Hughes movie Uncle Buck with the late great John Candy.

Everybody knows or has an Uncle Mike in their family. The fun Uncle who just wants to have a good time.
I liked the character of Uncle Mike. He might be a loser, but he means well.
The kids are cute. I thought Danny and Martha were a little too harsh for no apparent reason. Maybe a few more Uncle Mike screwups to get them to the boiling point would be good. Also, how long has Mike been living with them?
Ultimately, for the story to work, Mike has to change. He does express to the kids how important it is to follow the rules, but it may have been better to have that conversation with Danny and Martha eavesdropping so that they witness Mike's evolution.
The ending was too mean. Danny and Martha can't be that uncaring.

I was on the fence about the fantasy sequences. They were cute, but seemed to come out of left field.

There are a few typos.
We asked you to do simple one thing.
Martha pour in hot chocolate milk
Some ing verbs.
revealing the charred...Danny focuses on scrubbing a dish...inspecting their presents...
Sometimes you use MIKE sometimes UNCLE MIKE above the character's dialogue.

Overall, I thought Christmas Rules was GOOD.
Keep up the good work.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

Did I miss something? I am hoping the SWAT Santa is Mike telling tall tales to the girls. The format was good and so are the descriptions. Lost me on the end though.

Felipe D. Machado (Level 4)

This script had the beginnings of a nice Christmas story, but I think the dialogue with the older Danny and his wife was way too heavy-handed. There were just too cruel to believe. Uncle Mike didn't really seem to do anything to deserve the treatment. He was just being a fun uncle.

I was touched by the part of the script where he said to the kids that he couldn't be there for Christmas because he was out saving other families' celebrations. It was a very selfless act and really made me feel for the guy. If you could tone down the evil parents, I think the script could be excellent. You just need to find a real reason for mike to be kicked out other than telling crazy stories.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

-- A colorful uncle is asked to leave his brother's home on Christmas Day --

An interesting take on A Christmas Carol. A few adjustments and it'll be Merry.

The scene transitions between the uncle's tall tale and reality were nicely done.

The title was different. Would have had more impact it if the spirit of Christmas would have prevailed or ruled and the uncle stayed or headed home to his own family.

I was uncomfortable with the disclosure that the uncle had a wife and kids. Why? Cause he was telling stories to his brother's kids instead of his own. Good dynamic.

I wonder how the story would read if the girls reminded him of his own family? and that's where he was headed at the end?

Style was clean. A missed word in dialogue and a formatting error are easily fixed.

Favorite line: You don’t want to know how many calls I get from kids who don’t follow the first rule.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is perfect! It tells us about the story and genre.
Craft - your craft is very good.
Dialogue - the dialogue is good but the parents reaction seems a little too strong for the situation.
Action lines - your action lines are fine.
Story - the story is good and interesting. It has real possibilities to be expanded into a full length script.

James Feliciano (Level 1)

I honestly don't get this. Is this a straight-out comedy, a farce? I wish that I didn't have to judge this one. Is the opening scene with a flame-throwing turkey meant to just be a story, a dream sequence, or a straight action scene? I thought the action and dialogue was decent. However, I just didn't get it. Sorry.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I like the cutting to Mike's stories. That would add a nice visual to the movie and break up the more tense drama happening in the house.

He is getting kicked out of his brother's house on Christmas and then leaves. I was looking for him to teach the girls something else that they wouldn't get from their parents or for there to be something redeeming about Mike that would have been different from the characters of Danny and Mike. But it seemed like the story reinforced what Danny and Martha were saying.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"we asked you to do do simple one thing" - needs to be rewritten.

Who throws their brother out on Christmas?

Danny's last line definitely broke up the vibe of the story. I just don't like how extreme he was with Mike, with no explanation. They didn't get into a huge fight, I just don't see anyone throwing out their family on Christmas. Is he supposed to go out and look for a job? I would understand after the holidays.

I want to like this story, but I can't seem to get a hold of it.

I'll give it a VG. It was well written and very imaginative.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Ahhh, I have an Uncle Mike, feels weird to read!

This is easily my favourite script in this competition so far, and I wish I could give it an excellent, but I just don't think everything came together into a satisfying conclusion. It ended before I was ready to leave the character of Mike, it felt like his emotional climax was just around the corner.

Anyhow, other than that I loved it! The visualisations of the storys Mike tells are hilarious, and original too (especially the chomping presents). I loved how his character could easily have become the "annoying relative " cliche, but because you looked at him as the protagonist, a lot of sympathy is generated for him.

The only other criticism I have is that Martha and Danny are a bit unrealistically nasty, I Mike had done something specifically agaisnt them I could understand, but there's no indication of that being the case.

"Very Good" (and easily the best very good I've given out in this comp) Well Done!

Keith Yount (Level 2)

Interesting concept. I will start by saying there were some spelling and grammer errors that could be easily fixed. The emotions from Mike were weak considering he was being kicked out of his brothers home on christmas day. I think Martha and Mike should have more conversation considering the statement Martha said to Mike when she was going to bed. I like Mikes' dream of him fighting those christmas presents and the tree. I think with some work on dialog for more emotions it would be a nice script.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I like your short. Any chance you're a fan of baron Munchausen? Me too!

I think you better choose either Mike or "Uncle Mike" and be consistent with the characters name. Otherwise you have him as Uncle Mike at places and at first it got me a little confused (slightly though).
Mike and Martha - both start with a letter M. Maybe better change Martha?
It was a nice story about rule #3. You really build on it.
Presents grow teeth - I've never heard that before.
Christmas lights keep ghosts away - didn't know that either:) (they are often a reason behind house fires - that I heard)
Nice job, I think. Very Good.

You should watch Russian "Baron Munchausen". It's about a man who tells stories like this and the king had him to prove one of this stories. The one that tells he flew to the moon on a cannon bullet. He decided to prove it. ANd the ending has him mounting the cannon. Mounting...mounting... - it's very nice movie.

Kirk White (Level 5)

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY INSANE IF YOU DON'T...LIKE STAT...EXPAND THIS INTO A FEATURE AND SELL TO PIXAR OR DREAMWORKS. This has the potential to be an incredible Christmas movie, LOVE the visuals at the beginning with the santa camo and the evil Turkey. and I can tell the journey that poor Mike is going to have to take...and therein lies the flaw with this as a short: it serves as a fantastic set-up for a longer piece but doesn't quite resolve enough for my tastes to count as complete short script. Not that that is a bad thing, just turn this sucker into a feature and make a million bucks and don't forget to throw you're ol' pal, Super K, a bone or two...

giving a very good...but this will be an EXCELLENT feature length script. Be proud, rocka!

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is a surprising Christmas story. I think the best part of this story is the stories Mike came up with to tell the kids, these stories seemed fun, exciting and cute. The change of events seem unwarranted and forced into the story.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific sentiment. The visual elements of Uncle Mike's alter-ego, SWAT Santa, are colorful and pretty funny.
Might need to strengthen Danny and Martha's reasons for ganging up on Uncle Mike. Another scene of Mike behaving badly might help. At the point where they attack Mike, the reader/viewer has only heard him relay a silly story about the torched turkey. His irresponsible backstory only comes from Danny and Martha's dialogue.
The title is catchy, memorable, and a perfect fit.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I really enjoyed the moments of fantasy in Mike's storytelling. That was an interesting Walter-Mitty-like creative twist on what is otherwise an uninspired story.

Mike lives in his fantasy land, but is evicted by his brother for good reason. After imparting good advice to his nieces to listen to his parents, he simply leaves. He does not overcome anything, the conflict does not lead to resolution, there is no antagonist, there really is no story beyond Mike's regret. I'm also unsure who the audience is for this film: the fantasy parts seem suited for youngsters/teens, but all the adult angst and despairing backstory seems more suited for an adult audience.

I wish that Mike's fantasies led to some sort of resolution with his brother. There needs to be some purpose to the script beyond being a vehicle for Mike's imagination. I think, with a rewrite, this can be a really charming story.

Sometimes Mike is called Uncle Mike. There needs to be consistency there to ensure that the reader understands there's only one character.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title. A lot. I like how the meaning changes when you put the emphasis on one word or the other.

The formatting is good. Spelling and punctuation are good.

The story bothers me no end, and I think that's what you meant it to do. It never ceases to amaze me how some pious people feel righteous about turning their backs on people who don't conform. But don't let me get started...

The formatting is good. The punctuation is good. Spelling is good, too.

I can't imagine how this would be filmed without animation or CG. Costly and time consuming, but I hope someone takes it on for you.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the mix of reality and fantasy.

I don't quite buy how family members could be so harsh on Mike, especially at Christmas, but I like that there's enough of a backstory hinted at that the audience can infer their own series of events.

I like the cold but ultimately realistic ending.

Very good.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I like the idea of the story, and I liked the cut-aways to Uncle Mike's crazy imagination. I can't believe his brother kicked him out on Christmas morning! For burning the turkey! now that's harsh. The story definitely had its comedic side and it's serious side. I think the difference between the two moods may have been too much because, for me,they didn't seem to work together. Mike must have really done something to deserve the tough love, but it wasn't stated directly so it seems odd that he would be invited to live with his brother and then ejected in this way.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I thought the red/white camo Santa idea was pretty cool.

Typo - "simple one thing", but I didn't understand this line anyway. What did they ask him to do? Also, sometimes you call him MIKE and sometimes, UNCLE MIKE.

It didn't seem realistic that they would kick him out on Christmas day to me. I mean, if he's been there a while, why not wait another week? At least for the kids' sake.

This story seemed a bit unresolved to me, but maybe we are supposed to understand that Mike has become more responsible when he explains the rules to the girls. If that's the case, it's pretty good, but it wasn't clear enough to me.

Typo - "Martha pour in hot chocolate".

I thought this script was pretty good, but I think Mike's transformation should be more clear. Thanks for entering.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Well written and very visual.

Just not quite sure how the 'fantasy' elements work as you give them normal slugs and I'm left wondering if Mike is drawing cartoons for the kids to see or just telling them the story - I realise it's his imagination but it took me out of the story several times.

I think you need an inflection/highlight on the "you" in the last line to make more sense of it, I had to re-read several times before I got it.

Young girls should giggle really, rather than laugh and smile - sounds a bit grown-up, unless that's a character trait and they're stuck-up.

A few typos throughout and this line didn't make sense:

"as Martha pour in hot chocolate milk" into what?

Just needs a tidy up and some clarification. A fun read.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I have notice only one grammar error so far. The pacing is tight, and the formatting is perfect.

In the sentence, “Uncle Mike at the front door,” and “Danny watches him pull his jacket on,” need an extra space.

I enjoy the flashbacks about Uncle Mike telling his story on why he don’t show up for Christmas. Uncle Mike, Santa Clause, have a brother-to-brother moment about being irresponsible as an Uncle or father, which is why Mike’s wife left him. I don’t believe that his wife would just leave him because he is too protective giving out rules. I don’t know if I’m reading this right. Then he finally show affection for his niece and nephew and leaves to monitor other people’s houses as Santa Clause.

The premise of this story has potential, but you can use some more character development on his wife (or is it his wife you’re talking about?). I would like to know more about her.

As for now, the story is a good read. It just needs to be polished a little bit, that’s all.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Parts of this I loved. I think it was too involved to be a 5 page short and I wondered if it was cut down from a larger piece. There were some real nice moments but the tone felt uneven and the fantasy versus reality jolts didn't help. We couldn't get involved ith any one character for too long and I actually wish there was more here so I could spend more time with these characters. I like the title and I like the premise but I think the script lacked in its execution. On the plus side -- I wanted to read more, so I hope there's a plan to expand it. If so, email me the additional parts. I'd love to read them.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

It is a brave soul indeed that subjects us to still more Christmas once the New Year has officially begun.

And it is not too long before we have established the Martha is a total bitch -- and Mike ain't much better. Not sure this is my kind of Christmas story.

The segments with Mike as the Christmas hero are inspired, but to what end? It is almost like there are two stories going on here -- one that is goofy and fun and actually pretty good -- and then there is this second story that makes it seem as if the author has never even heard a Christmas story before.

I mean, Mike still gets kicked to the curb? On Christmas morning? In thick snow? There isn't even anything open at that time.

There is a time to buck trends and shed expectations, but I do not think Christmas is one of those times. And I am not even religious or anything. This story has some fine moments, to be sure, but it also has an insurmountable flaw.

Screwing ol' Mike over like that does not make a Christmas story.

Good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I really liked this one. The story has a lot of charm. I felt like the tone switched dramatically between Mike's cheeriness and Danny and Martha's anger a little too much. I had a hard time believing that Danny would actually kick his brother out at Christmas time.

However, I felt the scenes with Mike and the kids were magical and fun. I really liked Mike. I am rooting for him the whole way.

It was a sad ending. He is turned loose by those who he loves. I felt that you needed something at the end, a twist. Show him doing something magical to end it as we saw in the beginning. Not with the sad ending of him trudging away.

This is a sweet sad story that is one of my favorites in this month's competition.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

For a moment there I thought the story was going towards another direction that I didn't agree with, however it was strictly for character development purposes and it served the story as well as Uncle Mike best. This was a well written story told beautifully. I think it might've been one typo early on in the story, however it wasn't enough to make an effect on my score.

The structure here resembles that of a professional. Short and sweet descriptions detailing just enough info. The creative story is pretty much one of the third of fourth most pleasant I've read during this contest.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I liked it. U wanna be consistant with either saying mike or uncle mike. Other than that I thought it was a fun story with heart. The only other thing I would do is mention how the girls are sad that uncle mike has to leave but they understand that he has to keep Christmas safe for others.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Completely lost with this. I don't understand the juxtaposition that's going on with Mike and the crazy events and the normal events. I may have to come back and read this again to see if I get more from it a second time.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

This was really good. Wonderful imagery and transitions. I guess I wanted to see an ending where Danny second guesses himself just a bit or at least feels upset a little. Otherwise, the ending was a bit flat, especially since the red boots were expected.

Just remember to proofread aloud to correct some grammatical errors.

Regardless, you have a strong story here and I hope you revise.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2012 12:09 AM

I loved this. One of my favorites!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2012 12:11 AM

I read the logline Paul, and didn't realize he was explaining why HE missed Christmas every year. I thought he was just telling the kids random santa stories. Hm... gonna have to give this another looksy.

Jem Rowe (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2012 7:51 PM

I loved this one, but darn it, I should have KNOWN it was you!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 2/13/2012 5:00 PM

Thank you guys for the support! Jem, you know I love your stuff. And JeanPierre, we always have the same style.

Chris, glad I'm still producing quality material.

I'm saddened that my scripts last year (and this) haven't placed as much as they did before, but the pain is relieved by the fact that the right people still anonymously love my work. Thanks.