Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Lovely. Cute and touching. Still no climax no urge. Urge drive all stories at some point. I liked the Characters by the way. They felt real. I would recommend to raise the stakes. What if it was an angry father, not mother, coming for the kid? What if Laura wasn't sure he's gonna be okay with him? Just thoughts.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I like the way the script started. The dialogue was very strong. Finn keeps asking questions until Laura becomes angry and then he says "You don't have to yell." Priceless, feels very realistic, conveys character in a great way.

But on page two Finn's voice suddenly becomes that of an adult. Children are not good at formulating their thoughts yet. Something like "You only take photos with you, ..." is something an adult would say.

Having said that, I do like the idea behind your story a lot! Laura runs away from her child, but then Finn holds up a mirror to her, and she decides to go back. But I think you need to structure it so that Laura sees Finn's predicament. Don't make Finn say wise adult things like "You should go home." I think you can in fact scrap that but of spoken dialogue. We'll figure it out from when Laura goes back to Graham.

Also in the end, Graham says something grown-up: "It's okay. You didn't mean it.". I think if you scrap that the scene becomes much more powerful even. Graham becomes this helpless little boy instead of some one who sounds like a wise old man. Laura then basically says "sorry" to a helpless little boy, and we know enough.

Overall, great idea for a story! Make the children sound less adult and I think it is perfect.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Vague title.

The wryly "(re Laura's suitcase)" isn't necessary.

The dialogue between Laura and Finn moves too fast. Finn opens the conversation with "did the bus arrive?" and two lines later he's offering her a sandwich.

Why does Finn care if Laura goes home?

So Laura basically ditched her kid? Harsh. It's hard to sympathize with such a cruel act. Maybe Laura could be the same age as Finn, and she's running away because she yelled at her mom. Mom could then be the one crying on the apt steps.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

It was fine until the script suggested Laura has walked out on her child! I assume it can't be her brother as she is going to visit her mother.

Did I get that right?

Until then it was pleasant, trotted along, maybe a little too much tit for tat dialogue but fine. I was waiting for the twist, thought it was the angry mother but no it was her arrival home. I didn't see any reason why she had left. I assume I missed something.

Sorry didn't work for me.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This is a nice feel good story to begin the new year. Finn seemed to have much wisdom beyond his years, but then again, he has had to deal with a lot more than the average nine year-old. The dialog between Finn and Laura didn't quite feel right, almost a little too scripted, but it isn't that big of a deal.

There really isn't anything to point out here that needs improving. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors. Formatting is right on. The biggest thing for me is that this felt pretty vanilla - safe and straightforward. Yeah you deal with the child abuse thing, but mostly you just touch on it, and that wasn't the focus here, it was on Laura. Any words of encouragement I could offer would be to find something to punch this up a notch; find something that you want me, the audience, to be left thinking about, and go after it. You've done a nice job, don't get me wrong, but after reading a few scripts, I don't think this will stick with me like it has the potential to.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was well written and paced. No formatting issues that I noticed.

The story was only okay for me. The dialogue seemed a bit rigid and the mother coming out of nowhere to beat her kid in broad daylight caught me off guard. One phone call would have freed the kid from that abuse without a doubt. I'm still not sure what Laura was running from... The kid she beat? She was just ditching him? One phone call would have probably taken care of her too. Then both of those kids could be in better situations and it'd be a true happy ending. Nice work and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

First impression, it was a pretty good. I liked the back and forth dialogue between Finn and Laura.

The abusive mother just beating (in a non-discplining way) her kid while Laura sits and does nothing felt a bit unrealistic. I could be wrong, but I would assume most people would've gotten up and stopped it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This is a cute tale with a heart of stone!

I felt the scene on the bench before Finn's mother arrived went on just a tad too long. then finally, I wasn't clear - surely Laura hadn't run away because of Graham? That's what's implied by the way you wrote it...

Good job!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I really like what you are trying to do here. I especially like your two main characters. But I think this is a really tough story to do in five pages - it ends up feeling a little rushed and forced. If you could expand this, let it breathe a bit, I think it could be really beautiful.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

For whatever reason I rarely like the scripts in which dialogue takes up most of the space. This one works, however, and particularly the opening exchange, which is quite long, was nice. At first he is sort of interpreting her, but at a certain point it changes and she becomes the one asking questions. I thought the point where this occured was really telling. It's a tale of chance occurences that end up having a profound effect on the people involved. That sounds cheezy in itself, but in the story it seems very organic. Well done!

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

It's a story where you care about the characters, which is good. You made want to get Finn away from his mother, which is also good. My only problem is I don't quite understand what Laura is doing. Is she running away just because she lost her temper and yelled at her kid? If that's true I think this story needs a little higher stakes. If it isn't, I apologize, I guess I didn't quite get it.

Good luck and thanks for entering.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I really had to spend some time to think about this one. On the one hand, due to the subject matter (child abuse), it felt vaguely manipulative. On the other hand it's well written, credible, and contains some very touching moments. With the right cast and director this could be a highly effective, and emotionally powerful short film. That said, Finn's mom never really worked for me. Her character came off as rather generic. There was nothing in the dialogue or her actions that set her apart in any way. If she had some sort of physical or verbal tick that would provide a degree of insight into her true character, then that would be helpful. Mostly, though, I really like this script and story. Nicely done.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Bitches Be Loco

There is a nice lesson about forgiveness to be learned from this short. It reminds me of a parable your pastor might tell during his sermon on Sunday morning. Of course he would leave out the parts about abusing children.
Or a short film you watched in Sunday school if you were a kid in the 1950's. Again without the child abuse.
Or a nice bedtime story you would read to your own small child. If you wanted to scare the bejeezus out of him.
But seriously... I did learn something from this script. Mothers may slap you upside the head, yell and scream at you, or abuse you verbally...but they don't really mean it.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

The story is a powerful one about abuse. I just wish you made us feel for Laura more. The dialogue between Finn and Laura is choppy. I first thought they were together. More description could have told more about the characters. Maybe a bruise or something on Finn that he tries to hide. With a little tightening, this could be a very strong story. Good job!

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

-- A mother runs away and meets a boy who's running away --

Good turnabout! Good title.

I did have trouble suspending belief at the number of coincidents needed to make this work. I was confused by the "go home" instructions -- "Go home to your mothers" or "Go home to your family" Also the woman doesn't give the least bit of a clue that she's running away from her son. If anytHing she acted like it was her husband she was running from. Ah yes, good old misdirection. The boy was wise beyond his years.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title works for the story but doesn't tell us very much going in about the story or even the genre.
Craft - your craft is mostly very good but the double spaces after every sentence is not necessary. You didn't need it here but there may be a time when you need that extra space. Also, one very minor point is that FADE OUT should have a period after it not a colon.
Dialogue - The dialogue is very good.
Action lines - your action lines are fine.
Story - the story is interesting but sad.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"Not hungry" Would she have taken it if she was? sounds like a response you give to someone you know.

I'm glad Finn didn't turn out to be some sort of angel or something.

Okay, I liked everything up until Finn's mom came. It read comical and kind of unbelievable. Why would Finn smile after he got smacked? I can't picture that at all. And would his mother really let Finn stand next to a stranger for that long without coming over and yanking him again? Or shouting his name the entire time? I thought the scene felt a little forced.

The ending kind of put Laura in a bad light. She just left her son. I know she came back for him, but she's still an awful parent. If she's about to leave him while he's eight, then she'll be gone before he hits 15. This isn't a person I route for unless I know the circumstance in the beginning and somehow she redeems herself at the end. And not just by coming back, but fixing her flaws.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I really like this script, definately a Very Good, but in my opinion there's important flaw to fix up. By the end we care so much about Finn but get no real closure. I know Laura has the photo, so there's an assumption she'll act on that, but I think it would also be nice to see Finn at the end with some indication of hope for the future.

I know that seems awfully petty, but I do think it would tie everything up a bit better. Anyway, like I said, I really liked it. Well Done :)

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's an interesting script. Easy to follow and understand. Very much on the pages. ANd the dialog is very good.
I like "she doesn't mean it" stuff.
The only thing - it's hard to buy her leaving the son because he yelled. I don't know what kind of a mother/person would, maybe an immature one, sorry to say.
But a nice job really. Very good flow and pacing. And great dialog.

Kim M Brantley (Level 3)

The two initial characters, Laura and Finn, are set up very well. We understand what's happening quickly through their emotional dialogue.

I would only be aware of using too many parenthetical phrases. If words are chosen carefully, as well as the order in which they appear, you won't need to instruct the reader how to read them.

I also felt that Finn's reaction after his abusive mother appeared and smacked him twice, right before he runs back to Laura, was a bit too calm. Regardless of how long or how frequently he has endured abuse, you'd think the kid would be hysterical.

The character Graham coming in at the end left me feeling confused. Is this Laura's son... little brother?

A point of reference earlier in the story -- perhaps Laura glancing at a photo of a child before Finn approaches -- would set up this character and his relationship to Laura.

Otherwise, the story is very compelling and well written.

Please feel free to accept or disregard any of my suggestions.

Be well.

Kirk White (Level 5)

very good story...satisfying ending, I enjoyed and would love to see this made.

giving a very good

Kisha King (Level 4)

This seem to be a nice light hearted story. I think it should be a little more intense. I really wasn't emotionally connected to the issues in the story. Maybe more depth into Finn and his problems and more description of Finn and Laura to give us a good sense of their state of being.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific characters. Finn steals the story. He sounds like a nine-year-old. Particularly fond of him pulling a pb&j sandwich from his backpack and eating it, and asking Laura if he can see what's in her suitcase. Rather sweet exchanges between this little boy and young mother.
Wonder if Laura leaving her own eight-year-old with a packed suitcase is the best direction for the reveal. Maybe, she yells at Graham, takes off (walking?) to cool down and that's when she encounters Finn on the bus stop bench or even park bench (for added color). Just a suggestion...

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

It's a great exercise in childish dialogue (which did actually sound like a child speaking, so good job!).

But I'm not sure that the story completely works. The assumption in the script is that Finn somehow knew that Laura was an abusive mother. There are so many other reasons why a woman might visit her mother that the ending of the script just felt so, well, convenient.

It was also unrealistic that Finn was able to wrestle away from his dominating mother long enough to run all the way back to Laura, search through his backpack, hand her a photo, and deliver three lines of dialogue before his mother ever says a word. It makes the mother seem more like a caricature who speaks when necessary, instead of a real person who overrides the intentions of everyone else. And it makes Finn seem too perfect and not like a real boy: why else does he suddenly change his mind and say "She doesn't mean it."

I guess I mean that I can see the hand of the screenwriter too clearly. The lines are too coherent for two people (Finn and Laura) who are obviously in so much parallel turmoil. Life is messy, and this screenplay is too perfectly drawn to a conclusion.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title.

You can turn off the MORES and CONTINUED feature of your writing program if you'd like. They aren't necessary anymore.

The formatting is good. The spelling is good. The punctuation is good.

I think the story is a bit flat, though. I didn't feel any tension or develop any concern for the characters as I read through it the first time.

The story, as I'm getting it, is that a boy whose mother abuses him and a mother who abuses her son are somehow drawn to each other when they meet at a bus stop, this at a time when each is essentially running away from home. The mother is the main character, and the boy is the instrument of change in her attitude from the beginning to the end.

I found the boy to be a little aggressive in his questions of her. This seemed especially odd when you brought his own mother into the mix. I know that there are times when two people meet and the connection is just there, but this doesn't come across that way.

He also seemed more mature than her in some ways.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was an interesting story. I liked how the two characters played off each other and it wasn't over the top or sentimental.

I'm not quite sure what's happening at the end. If she left home, leaving her son behind, then it doesn't make much sense. If she left her husband/Graham's father, and is returning to mend the relationship for the sake of their son, then I'm not so sure that's a happy ending (children can tell that their parents have a bad relationship). I know you were trying to make her situation analogous to Finn's, but I didn't really see it.

Good.

Maura Sateriale (Level 1)

Interesting. I wish I had more insight into the characters. Perhaps hint at why Laura is running away to her mom's, or why Finn, in his childish wisdom, knows his mother does not "mean it" but still runs away to the bus stop and cries. I wish there was more insight to the story. The point is that you do not run away when time gets tough, maybe allude to that. or add some detail about Finn(an action, a manner of speech) that alludes to Graham)

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

A nice story. Nothing I can really think of that seemed out of place. Finn seemed wise for his age but that makes him more interesting as a character. I think it would be interesting to know a little more about Finn's feelings regarding his own situation with his Mom. He was scared yet resigned, even understanding about things. Maybe another line or reaction to express more of what he might be going through would connect him more with Laura and add another layer. Anyway, nice job.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Wow, this was really great.

I'm confused by the ending, though. She was leaving her son? Maybe she was leaving her husband and her son. That would make more sense, but if so, I think you should've used the last half page to show that.

As it is here it's as though she's a single mom who got into an argument with her child and was going to leave him. Maybe that's what you meant, but it won't go in my brain that way without some explanation. Sorry.

But overall, I though the writing here was very good.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

That Fin is one smart cookie! I liked him very much.

This drew me in because Fin is so cute. Once his mother started beating on him I felt it took on a bit of a preachy tone and that they were going to be ghosts and a lesson was going to be learned.

So the ending was a little predictable for me in that a lesson was learned.

What did surprose me was that Laura was leaving her son behind? Laura beats her son? I suddenly didn't like Laura one little bit and I think that let your story down, she felt like the hero of the piece. You kind of veered off in another direction rather than sticking with the Fin and Laura story.

Solid writing.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Title:
Sounds alright. Probably drama?

Pg1:
Feels a bit weird because the kid just starts talking to her and she doesnt seem all that annoyed by it. Nor charmed. Just emotionless.

Pg2:
Bit too much exposition. I like the lines with the photographs. Sounds true.

Pg3:
More of the same dialogue. They talk (and move a little) but it all seems to directed. Not really sounding true.
You can hear the writing gears turning.

Pg4:
Such a weird thing to say when he runs back. I dunno, this feels way too written.
What does the mother do here? She just waits? Feels pointlessly melodramatic.

Pg5:
and we come full circle, seeing as Laura was about to leave her kid too?! what the hell? Im sure there's a prison sentence for that.

So yeah, odd short. No bad writing, but just bad story. Too melodramatic and unbelievable. Just tries to tug at the heartstrings too much without making sense.

Its wellwritten and thematically it fits. It just lacks colour, doesnt it? Needs a better understanding of athmosphere, feels so hasty. Take in the drama.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I haven’t notice any grammar errors. The pacing and sentencing structure of the screenplay is extremely quick and tight.

The protagonist is defined. Laura is the protagonist of the screenplay.

“Does your mother like you?” I think this dialogue is on the nose for a 9-year old kid.

I’m not sure who Graham is. Is he Finn’s brother?

So the story is about an abused kid whose mother has no love for him. He then believes in Laura when she convinces him his mother loves him. Then Laura repents for being nasty when she sees his abusive parents and the bus driver being mean. I understand your intent. However, the story is a bit thin. It has some good potential and I hope it can be polished in your rewrite.

I find it unbelievable that everyone happens to be nasty, including the bus driver, all in one day. Maybe that is life. All the characters seemed to be the same with same voices. I’m sorry if that came out rude. You know, each character can have different voices in the end. If I did knew who Graham was, maybe the ending would make more sense, but I don’t understand it.

It’s hard for me to rate this one because I have no suggestions for you to improve at this point. Very Good.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Heartbreaking tale - well told and nicely paced. I felt it was a little too dialogue-heavy. The photos in the back pack really were the only visual enhancement and I think there was an opportunity to use some type of mechanism to show that Finn had done this before - maybe he asked if the bus was late? Still, this was a beautifully done script and one that will stay with me after the contest. I hope you make it or it gets made - I think it could be a powerful short that would show well with audiences. Not crazy about the title but I honestly can't suggest something better.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

I feel this is a story of two plot lines. It starts with decent banter between Finn and Laura, then turns into a more forced story about an abusive parent. I enjoyed the first half more, where Finn is very inquisitive about Laura. The second half comes across very heavy-handed to me. Not awful, just didn't have the enjoyment that was in the first half. Overall, a mixed, but good story.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

This one has the skeleton of a nice story in place, though it ultimately does not make a great deal of sense. Laura was abandoning her child because she yelled at him?

Your dialogue between Laura and Finn is nice, though you might have painted the mom character with strokes that were a little too broad.

In a way, this story would feel more complete if it ended as the bus pulled away. It is the odd postscript to this tale that is making the gears grind on this script.

Fair.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

It took Laura to witness Finn being smack around a bit to realize she needed to face her own responsiblities as a parent. This was a pretty good slice of life story for me. The characters seemed believble it was a few lines in there from Finn that made me question if this was a nine year old or not.

The ending didn't have as much as an impact as I thought it when she returned to her home. Keep up the good work.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

This was a good script with a simple story. Simple concepts normally don't come off well or at least seem more familar however there's a moment in every story that has it's own and the action that turns the story upside down is when Finn's mother visits him at the bus stop.

I didn't care much for our lead until she witness Finn being smack around and what she decided to do next.

Keep up the good work.

Sridhar K. Nemani (Level 3)

GOOD
-completely loved the whole idea.
-very sweet dialogues.
-well built characters, of course a short one.
-Screen-writing tense was good.

BAD
-felt there was a need to show why she wanted to leave without her son. that's heartless.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

There's a lot of dialogue here that doesn't really move the story forward. What it does do is take up space which could have been better used to provide more characterization of Laura and Finn and their individual situations. Sadly, Laura's situation is wrapped up so quickly we don't get the full impact.

I suggest you either give this one a polish, or expand it to 7 or 8 pages and allow yourself the room to end things more satisfactorily.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I thought Finn was a little over-the-top in his Hallmarkness. I know kids can be cute but come on, be a little subtle about it. This was well written and the ending was poignant though a little expected.

Veronica Taylor (Level 1)

I really enjoyed this screenplay. I felt sorry for Finn and saw the abusiveness that must have been in his life, as the story progressed. It has a clear beginning and you were introduced to the main characters right off the bat.

The only thing I hated is that I did not get to learn more about Laura as she seems a really likable person. I liked the ending as it shows Laura's growth and a resolution to her own situation.

Comments Made After the Contest

Jem Rowe (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2012 7:49 PM

Loved it, A VG from me that perhaps should have been an Excellent.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2012 8:21 PM

Thanks Jem, I appreciate that.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 2/2/2012 7:21 AM

I rated it as Very Good and it is a cool script, it just needs a little fixing.