Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Loved it! Got a Pixar feel from this story!

Love how you let Zeke, the bad guy, go under like that. Also love the cliffhanger open ending. Would be funny if all the other crawfish were caught too while getting the bread.

I don't know what else to say, I thought this was a fantastic script.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Interesting title.

Rather than open with exposition about Kirk's claw, perhaps he could picked on by his peers? Have a protagonist taunt him and proclaim him more fish than crawfish.

The dialogue doesn't flow. It's terse and matter-of-fact.

This reads more like a short story than a script. A lot of inside information that needs to be conveyed visually.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Well that was different. First, a really serious question, is the bottom of the pond INT or EXT? not sure how you would film this but it was a fun read.

The writing had a touch of monty python about it with the mistaken belief in a new king by a crowd, a la Life of Brian.

I liked the way the brother story linked throughout from the lost claw, making him different, then into the final net scene. Simple but connected.

All the best.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This was pretty fun. I picture this being very colorful. I like Kirk's character and his logic behind why he isn't a crawfish, but an actual fish. The title page isn't formatted quite right, the title should all be on the same line. Also when you use the ellipse, the periods should hug tight to the word in front of it and a space behind the ellipse before the next word... like this. You did just the opposite.

Anyway, this was light and cute and fun. Nice work.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced well. No formatting issues or typos that I noticed.

The story here was pretty good. A little familiar, something like a blend of Finding Nemo with shades of Toy Story, but that's fine. Those are both good movies and this isn't the same as either, just familiar feeling. Overall, I thought this was pretty well done. I don't have much to comment on because I don't think I could have written this story any better. Nice job & good luck!

Bryony Quigly (Level 3)

I think your title gives away to much of the story, but it's reasonable.

It starts off quite confusing. I don't really have a very clear visual of what's happening, I know we're at the bottom of the pond but it's not really clarified whether Googley is chased by the Crawfish... it's a messy visual.

Spelling errors and odd words: Googley-eyed is googly-eyed (this may require a name change). "... crawfish clinch their claws at fish..." doesn't really make sense to me the way I understand the word. I also don't like the use of snip in the action and then followed so closely in the dialogue but that's personal taste.

The fish come out with some random lines at times:
Middle of Page 1: Googleys line "Pretty Crunchy" is he referring to his fins? or is this a catch phrase? a joke?
At the top of page 2, also Googley, "... I'm telling. He's so getting grounded for this" Unrealistic, it sounds to familiar for a passer by.
On page 3: "Yeah why are there two of you" makes no sense. After reading it for the third time I got it (because he crossed his eyes and is seeing double) but I think you need to clarify this.

I like Kirks reply to Googleys "You'd never eat me, right?" made me laugh. I also like how the fish refer to the humans as Gods. NOTE: If Googley suffocates (page 3), how is he still alive when they're back in the pond?

I loved your ending! I liked the fish kings idea and Zeke getting swept up in the net. I think it needs quite a bit of work as it was quite confusing at the beginning but it's a strong story.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

First impression, it was a good story; nothing that blew me away, but it got the job done. The script was niceley formatted, and I didn't notice any grammar mistakes. You did a good job with this one.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title doesn't fill me with delightful anticipation.

I liked this a lot, right up to the end, It would make a lovely animation. It was well-written and formatted.

I wasn't entirely sure about the human scene.Wondering if it should ALL be crawfish? Maybe I'm wrong.

I feel the ending let it down a bit. I felt sorry for Zeke! Perhaps you could make him more unlikeable so his loss isn't sad.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was a lot of fun. It's very clever and original. I had to read it twice to really picture it all (I'm sort of dumb when it comes to fish), but I'm glad I did. This is a great story. Very well done.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

The story was unnecessarily maudlin and preachy and not in a subtle way. The dialogue was erratic and I became confused at times keeping characters straight because their dialogue didn't do that for me (assume your reading audience is lazy). The first page of exchange: is it necessarY? does it move the story forward?or establish or introduce important information? You could start at p2 and be just fine. Some of the writing is too on the nose, I think you could use more subtext in your dialogue ( ex: "maybe the gods meant for us to be kings"). I think the message is "we should all get along, stop fighting and eat manna falling from heaven"…having a hard time suspending my disbelief on this.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

So cool. I love the peek we get at the inner workings of a crawfish society- something people would probably not care to think about before. I would maybe start the piece with kind of an establishing little scene with the boy and his mother, because their presence at first is quite jarring and way unexpected- they don't even have to speak maybe just describe the pond and the boy and his mother settling in for him to go crawfish fishing. It's got a great arch with that jerk Zeke being introduced and then getting what he deserves. Great job!

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Hilarious! As I read I kept seeing a Pixar-type film. Especially the scene with the freckly boy staring at Googly and Kirk was Pixar-esque. The concept of the Gods was brilliant. And I really liked the closing line.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I liked this quirky story. I liked the names and the fact that it was something for kids. It was just fun. Not much more to say, except this is my first "Excellent" this month.

Thanks for entering. Good luck.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

Mild amusing effort that suggests animation, it was enjoyable to start but for some reason it ran out of steam for me. I probably would have liked it better if we didn't see Brad and his mother, even if Brad's appearance is described by Kirk and Googley.

David M Troop (Level 4)

From Crawfish to Kingfish

Very nice. We don't see too many of these.
This would make a very cute animated short.
I enjoyed these characters and their underwater adventures. The story derails a little for me after Googley (great name) and Kirk are released by Brad and they return to the pond. It starts out very original, but then the part about thinking humans are gods seems borrowed.
Your formatting was excellent. No problems or typos.
Overall, I thought From Crawfish to Kingfish was very good.
Nice job.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

I like the characters. All of them. The story was cute. The formatting was well done. Bad brother gets taken by the "gods" nice! Giving it a very good.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

-- A one clawed crawfish and his fish friend are captured by a boy's net --

Clever. Definitely animation.

Cute story dealing with disabilities, bullies and boys as gods. Was that intentional subtext? For example, when the boy throws the disabled crawfish back in the water, was that a comment on the disdain most people show them. I'll assume it is!

My favorite character was the bully crawfish Zeke.

I liked the way you had Googley (love that name) react to Kirk's assertion he was now a fish. I would have crossed my eyes too.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - clever title, I like it.
Craft - your craft is nearly perfect but I believe "gods" should be capitalized. Dialogue - the dialogue is very good.
Action lines - your action lines are very good. They are clear and concise.
Story - I like this story a lot. This is cute and fun and would make a great childrens story (your intent, I assume). I also think that if you expand it into a full length script, Disney would come calling!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I tried to get the subliminal message here, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

I think that the dialogue could have flowed better. It read stiff at times, and on the nose. The story line could have used some work too. Why would the crawfish suddenly see them as Gods? I can understand blessed, but Gods?

The big crawfish dying was a bit convenient and seemed forced.

I'm only assuming this is supposed to be kid friendly, so why is it so serious? A cartoon drama for kids? Maybe you're on to something new here.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Hmmm, I often find scripts hard to judge when I'm clearly not the target market, but although I think most kids would enjoy this, the appeal is limited because it is so dialogue based and children are far more visual and physical thinkers. Also, I think the humour could be a bit more developed, at the moment it all relies on googly eyes.

That said, there is a nice moral in this, although perhaps "pity" isn't the best reason to let a fish go, it seems a little patronising of the humans.

Lots to like in this (and a great title) but it could do with plenty of tweaking. "Good". Well Done! :)

Jennifer Davis (Level 0)

No, he’s not. Crawfish don’t have parents. Nor any type of authority. See that—“. That is funny.

I hope Kirk don’t eat Googley.

So Brad is going to catch Kirk and Googley and Googley and Kirk treat the fishers like Gods. This is a neat concept.

It’s sad that a God kept Zeke. That’s what he get for proving himself wrong, I guess.

I didn’t find anything wrong with the screenplay and I enjoyed the read. The atmosphere (fish world) is an intriguing concept.

Jordan Mitchell (Level 1)

Your story is good and all, but the opening doesn't quite hook me, when i say that I mean the feel of the plot was somewhat boring to me. Don't take what I think harsh though. Title is what caught my attention the most, I was think it was a big metaphor for the screenplay. But in all your script was a fun read.

Keith Yount (Level 2)

A nice clean story. I like the descriptions of the child and the fish, think more character description on the crawfish would of helped. Dialog was not as emotional as it could be considering they were taken from there water world. At the end of the story I would liked it to have had a surprise ending.

Kirk White (Level 5)

well you certainly get props for your naming skills...on a side note, "Fish Kirk" was my nickname in high sChoOl.

this is a great script...and would make a wonderful animiated short...

giving an excellent...nothing much else to say...great work!

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is so cute. I really like children stories and this one is well put together. This story seems to have everything in it the catalyst, big event, pinch, crisis, showdown, and the realization. Good Luck

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Tickled to read an animated story with lots of color. Kirk the Crawfish and Googley the Rainbow Fish are adorable. Kirk's braggart brother, Zeke, is a good foil. Zeke "taken" out of the pond by Brad works as a twist.
May want to tweak the dialogue a little. Kirk contradicts himself when he says "I'm a fish," but then admits that Zeke is his brother. Brad and Mina mention "Max," but there's no clarification of who Max is. "Max has his pedigree" seems to infer that Max is picky, but the wording is a bit awkward.
Terrific title that's catchy and memorable.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The title page is not formatted correctly. The entire title should be on one line. There's also an odd capitalization in the word "KingFish" that is only present in the pdf and not in the MoviePoet title.

Brad's motivation escapes me. He wants to eat crawfish, right? Letting a crawfish go because it only has one claw doesn't make much sense, especially because he's already had difficulty catching any! Equating human disabilities with a crawfish missing a claw doesn't usually compute to a hungry 7 year old boy. Besides which, here's the thought process Mom probably would have used: it's great that Brad's sensitive, but how long is a one-clawed crawfish really going to survive in the wild: might as well eat it! Yum. I think a stronger motivation needs to be found for Brad's sudden decision to let the animals go after hunting them all day.

The story ends with a Disney-like moral about bullying that is counter to the nature and survival of fish and crawfish. A cute story overall, but a little weak in the middle and end. With a rewrite, this could be a lot stronger!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is good. I think the story could use a title that's more indicative of the genre, though. This is a G-rated short, more for kids than adults. The title doesn't say "family film" to me.

The story is a cute, moralistic fable with a good message.

The formatting is good. Spelling and punctuation are good.

Good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was funny. All the characters were clearly defined. I think it would look good switching from 3D animation to live action.

"It’s good that you pity him."
I thought this line was really funny in a strange dark way.

Very good.

Matthew Scott (Level 2)

This is fun. The characters are well drawn, and the conflict is solid. I like the perspective of Kirk as a handicapped crawfish. The introduction of Brad and the outside world is a little jarring. Perhaps you could have started with an establishing shot of Brad running the net through the water, and then drifted down to the bottom of the pond to meet Kirk.

I'm not sure you sent the right message about being handicapped. Brad's mother says Brad should pity Kirk, and I felt like Brad puts Kirk back, because he's not good enough. It might have been more thematic to make Brad handicapped in some way. Maybe the mother tries to convince Brad to keep Kirk, but it's Kirks connection with Brad through their shared handicap that causes Brad to let Kirk go. It's only a minor point. Great work.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

This obviously would need to be an animated film and I tried to see it from the point of view of a young child as the target audience. I think if you were to keep the point of view from the Googley and Kirk it would draw you more into their world. (they could hear the first human conversation from the dock above without a cut away to the mother and child fishing from the dock.)Once they are caught, you would see the humans (just my opinion). I also thought, that from the point of view of a children's story, the end was a little cynical in that Kirk was feeling his power. If he was the good guy, and Zeke the bad guy, the final moment should reinforce Kirk as a good guy, so even if he is treated as a king or god, he would be a benign one.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was pretty fun. Love the names Kirk and Zeke for crawfish.

Not sure if you meant to mislead, but I thought Googley died when you said he sufficated, so I was confused when later he talked.

Not a lot happens, but this was original and fun to read. Thanks.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Bloody marvellous, I loved every word of this, my other excellents pale in comparison. This is one of my last to review which makes the pleasure more enjoyable.

I have no criticism, this is a wonderful little tale and well told. it would also make a great kid's book.

Excellent, excellent, excellent!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Title:
Clear title. Doesn't really envoke a feeling though.

Pg 1:
Okay so we are doing animation here? Cute. Nice change of pace.
Characters are kind of cute too.

Pg 2:
Wow, loads of exposition. Why not show us all these things instead of describing them.
And humans too. Hard to picture now, guess this is animation too.

Pg 3:
They get lifted out of the water. I don't think Googley's double vision is very clear if you dont show him double.

Pg 4:
It just feels so drawn out. We need a bit more happening and some more clear dialogue. It feels like it is aimed for children, but everything feels so stiff.

Pg 5:
Some sort of cute ending. I dunno, feels like all they did during this short was talk. Man we need more action in these children shorts. And more of a goal too.

It was just too messy overall. Cute characters, but no goal and little to no story.
Kinda cute really. As an animation. Interesting characters, bit unique.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I haven't notice any typos or grammar erros.

I accidentally copied and pasted another revew (Life After), so I'm going to make this one a short review since I forgot what I wrote on this one.

The story is about fish living under water, where the people fishing is the gods. The ending is sad, but I enjoy that.

All the scenes flowed well, and the actions are all visulal. I originally rated this as excellent and will keep it as excellent.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think this would be fun as an animated story for kids. There's not a lot to the story though. You'd need to tighten it up for a kids show. Let lots of fun stuff happen to these characters. Cut down on the exposition a little. I like Googley and Kirk. I hate Zeke.

Fun story.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

Creative, fun, enjoyable read throught this trip. I liked the writers attempt here to create a somewhat Finding Nemo, due to the crawfish having a faulty limb.

The structure was really well put together and there wasn't any errors I spotted. Loved the title. From Crawfish to Kingfish.

Two well developed characters that build on their relationships. Good stuff my friend.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

It was well written but I thought it lacked any real action. I'm not saying that this was an action script by any means but it all felt kind of stale. Take the abdustion for example. Even though they were caught in a net which might lead to them becoming food I didn't feel any seance of urgentcy. It felt a little one deminsional.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Loved this! Fanciful, fun and entertaining. The characters were great. Methinks it's a winner.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This seems like it would make a fun children's book.

Fun writing.

I enjoyed it a great deal and give it a Very Good.

William Phibbs (Level 2)

I enjoyed the dynamic of the story. There were some minor errors in punctuation and grammar that can be fixed quite simply for instance "know" instead of "now" on page 4 I believe. Also, some of the grammatical structure of some of the scene descriptions were either too vague or slightly misleading. The relationship between Googley and Kirk was humorous as well as the fact that Zeke was captured. I secretly enjoyed the karma slap of his demise in relation to the snipping of Kirk's claw. All together good story structure and a fun little short that would be animation worthy especially because of it's underlying tones of morality and social structure.

Comments Made After the Contest

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2012 12:08 AM

Khamanna! WAY TO GO! Okay... I must be slow cause I didn't get it. I'll have to read it again, cause obviously I missed something here. I'm so happy for you! Yay!!! Since we're facebook friends, I feel as though we're real friends, haha. ;) That's why I'm so excited.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2012 12:12 AM

Great script. Congratulations on the Honorable Mention!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2012 12:24 AM

Congrats on the Honorable Mention!!

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2012 12:27 AM

Congrats, K! Read my comment... convert this to a children's book and it's on like Donkey Kong!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 12:27 AM

Thanks to all! To all! Let me put together with my feelings and come back to you all with my thanks...:)

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 12:46 AM

@Kham --
Way to go! Congratulations on your HM!
Great story idea, and I love that it's animated.
So excited for you!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 12:47 AM

"put together with my feelings" - what does it even mean...

Ok. I'll read all the comments of course. And I'll like them.

Even yours, JeanPierre. but drama? Drama for kids? :)) it's okay. Maybe it is to make them feel down - they (kids!) are way too cheery lately.

I really appreciate the comments and the HM. And thanks for the kind words post the contest.

Kirk, you're funny! Thanks.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 12:48 AM

Haven't see your post, KP - was writing mine. It's a nice feel to be HMed, thanks.:)

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 2/1/2012 1:05 AM

Whoop, whoop, whoop, Kham! Well done you xxx

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 2:28 AM

I really liked this story. My first reaction was what the hell? Once I got into the world you created it really sucked me in.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 7:29 AM

Kham, I thought this was bloody marvellous as I already said!! Congrats on your HM, this was my no.1 script, I thought it was totally different and wonderful.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 9:01 AM

Congrats on the HM. This was a really fun read, and Tim's right. You should make this into a children's book. Great story.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 11:58 AM

Yes, yes, yes, Caroline! :))
Thanks Dan. I'm glad you finally got sucked in:)
Man, MJ - you said such wonderful things in your review...
Margaret, I'll take Tim and your's suggestion and... ask Rich perhaps? I'm kidding:) but it's here, maybe he'll come across it one day.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 12:09 PM

Khamanna! Your first HM! That's thrilling! I'm so thrilled for you. You must be floating on air today. Keep it up!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 12:15 PM

Yes!! Glad to see you got an HM!! You work too hard and have improved so much...this is just the beginning. I didn't read this but I will. Congrats!!!!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 1:50 PM

My first, Kyle - right! I'm happy!
Just the beginning, Marnie?:) Now I'm under pressure...hmm...:)

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 2/2/2012 8:22 AM

Just read this Khamanna and love it. The story is very sweet, cute characters and friendship between Googley and Kirk. Also the pacing is spot on, flowed so well. Great dialog too. REALLY nice work. Congrats again!

David M Troop (Level 4) ~ 2/2/2012 2:53 PM

Congrats on the HM!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 2/2/2012 6:44 PM

I'm glad you read and liked it, Marnie - thanks!
David, thanks, congrats to you too!

Olga Tremaine (Level 4) ~ 3/21/2012 1:07 AM

I'm blown away by the quality of this one!!
Congrats on the HM! Very cute, reminded of Finding Nemo, just cuz it's under water, I guess.
I think you will have no problem selling it. :)

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 3/21/2012 11:46 PM

Thanks Olya, I'm glad you liked it!