Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Mitchell (Level 3)

Once again I a stuck deciding whether to give a story a "Good" or a "Very Good." But because I enjoyed the story so much, I will go with the latter. While your story was very interesting, I felt it went a little fast. However you only had 5 pages so that's understandable. I was surprised that I "felt" for the Madame even though I only knew her for a few pages. You did good on that part. The writing is also pretty good. But as I said before, the only issue I have is with how little you speak of the characters and their backgrounds.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I like the title, it makes me want to read on. I also like the non-standard older female inventor.

The problem I see is that it is a fantasy story in a fantasy world and so there is so much you need to tell the audience before they can start following the story. Short screenplays are not a good medium for that I think simply because you don't have the space to introduce all that information.

For example:
1) Leonardo, do you mean Leonardo da Vinci? Or is the similar name accidental?
2) Why does the fluid turn purple if you put a gray hair in it?
3) Why is she putting a gray hair in it?
4) What's with all the sashes?
5) What is the exhibit for exactly? Are they in dire need of fresh water? But then why have it be a science fair, in stead of madame guiding these children? And if clear water is desired, which is something people really need to survive, why does madame say that an inventor's development is more important than the invention?
6) Why was Leonardo killed?
7) Had madame been Leonardo's apprentice?

Nice how Pippin got Brian to admit he murdered Leonardo with a clever trick, insinuate that Pippin had proof.

I think you need to expand the story, give it more room to breathe so you can show the whole world you probably designed behind it.

Nice start of a big fantasy tale!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Interesting title. Even more interesting of a character.

I'm trying to understand the meaning of Brian's line, "Send for me." The scene and line are too terse for me to comprehend the context. He's sending Pippin somewhere?

An interesting premise, but I feel I'm missing part of the backstory.

So Leonardo died at the hands of Tom and Brian, by previously drinking water from his purifier? What is the relationship of Pippin and Madame? How does Pippin know to search the attic for an arsenic test? If Madame owns such a test, why hasn't she already found justice for Leonardo?

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

A murder mystery in five pages - well done.

this was an engaging story that trotted along well. I wasn't sure why the Madame was asleep on a park bench but I liked the purifier set up - didn't see the twist at all.

The end twist was not always clear. The relationship with leonardo etc had to be assumed, i think.-maybe to have all that was asking a lot in such limited space, but a good effort.

Enjoyable

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This is fun. I've given some notes already on this, and I don't think much changed (at least that I can remember). I picture this made in the steampunk fashion. This is very visual and it moves well. I wish you would give a little more into the motivation for poisoning Madame and Leonardo, but as it is, this is still great!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written, formatted and paced pretty well. There was one bold letter in there which was kind of weird, but that's an easy fix.

The story here was confusing. It needs to be simplified to work within 5pages or expanded to long enough to get the whole story in there. As it is, we have no idea what's going on really... Some lady is judging a science fair, the first guy she judges poisons her, the little girl somehow connects the dots and tricks the guys with a phony lie detector and the Madame is back with reinforcements to chase away the guys that tried to poison her. I don't know... It didn't add up for me. Maybe I completely missed something.

Written well, but the story needs polish. Nice work and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

First impression, it's an interesting idea, but there something about the story -- that left me thinking okay. I reread it and still felt the same. The script really seems to revolve around Leonardo, but the reader knows very little about him and his impact on the characters involved. I gathered that Brian killed him, but when I get to that revelation, it felt like it was thrown together because you had to wrap up your short. Your script format was done very well.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Intriguing title!

I didn't understand 'send for me' said by Brian to Pippin when he was already there.

I enjoyed the setting of this piece and the slightly quirky nature of it - but somehow the resolution was too neat by half so it weakened a good set up.

Perhaps a longer piece might allow you to do the story more justice?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I liked this a lot. Although, I had to read it twice to really get it all. Still, I am glad I did.

The characters and the story are great. I could picture as a cool "steampunk" style short.

Very well done.

Christina Kishpaugh (Level 3)

I love the setting and the visuals. It's very steampunk and I love the Madame Inventor. It's always refreshing for a woman to be in power- though her power would be greater if it wasn't revealed she had been given her power by the death of a man. There is a lot going on and would be better served in a longer script and it is definitely a small part of a bigger (most likely awesome) story. The dialogue could be more "period" - it would match the atmosphere better.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Scripts of this length often feel incomplete. Either they aren't fleshed out or the ending is left too open. This story, however, feels as whole as anything I have read this length. There's a big moment of discovery, then the story is brought full circle and ends without any loose ends as far as I'm concerned. Very impressive. And surprisingly enough it even felt refreshing with such a decisive ending. Add great characters and a strange, funny little world for them to unfold in, and you have in my opinion a little marvel of a short script.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This is an original story. I think it probably needed a little more length to establish clearer motives for the poisoning and for Pippin to discover and use Madame's invention. I had to read it a couple of times to put it all together, mostly (in my opinion) because the five page limit forced it to be a little fragmented. You did get a lot of story in five pages.

Thank you for entering. Good luck.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

I can't say why I liked this a lot. I just know I did. It almost felt like a leftover from a previous MP challenge that didn't make the deadline or inspired from that (the inventor theme last year) - but that's not a bad thing. The script was quick, interesting and I loved the visual of showing hoe the "lie detector" works.

VERY Good job!

David M Troop (Level 4)

Madame Inventor

I enjoyed this script very much. It was extremely clever. So clever, I didn't understand it.
You know how at the end of Murder She Wrote, Jessica Fletcher explains all the clues and the motives and reveals the killer and every detail of his plan? There's a reason for that. People like me who can only solve mysteries at the Encyclopedia Brown level.
I can only assume that Brian poisoned Leonardo and tried to poison Madame. And because of her invention, Madame was able to prove this. But I can't figure out exactly how. And I read it three times.

This was extremely well written. I loved the characters of Madame Inventor and Pippin.
Inspired characters. I could imagine them solving little mysteries. Hopefully, next time she solves a crime, Madame Inventor could let me in on how she did it.

Overall I thought Madame Inventor was VERY GOOD.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

I liked this story. I didn't see any spelling errors. The story did seem a little rushed and I felt like I missed something so I had to go back and reread it. Then I got it. Nicely done.

Fall Mamadou (Level 1)

Oh yes this script is somehow amazing and i like it. the part the touches me and makes me feel sad in this story is in page 3 when Madame Invetor lies down. But fortunately with the help of the men she got well. Her intion is very amazing.
so finnally i think that the sory is worth to be developped but i think that you must separate the dialogues from the narration.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is good as it hints at the story.
Craft - your craft is flawless which makes it a real pleasure to read.
Dialogue - the dialogue was spot on! It is very realistic and natural for these characters.
Action lines - your action lines are great, descriptive yet concise.
Story - the was excellent! It reminded of Miss Marple or a Murder She Wrote and maybe even Arcenic and Old Lace. Great job!

James Hughes (Level 5)

I read through this a couple of times and spent a good amount of time on the script. At first I was confused but then understood a lot better the second time through. The main underlying theme is what Madame says that the quality of the inventor is more important than the invention. That Pippin uses an invention in a resourceful way at the end echos this statement. It is a good idea for a story and characters to have someone good at inventions in this way contrasted against others who are not at the same level. A character with a special skill like this stands out.

Two things I noticed on the story were that 1) I can't quite fit these people into a time or place and 2) I am not sure what the stakes are that these people are battling over.

The first thing is how to put these charaters in a time or place. Is this happening now? I can't tell except I think it is since madame sits on a park bench. I had no indication madame was rich until a servant fluffed her pillow and then two strong men appeared to help her. More info around who these people were and when they were would have helped.

The second item was around what are the stakes to this story. Brian is trying to take over Leonardo and Madame's position by poisoning them, but why? What does he gain by having that position. I don't know and so I am not as drawn in to the plot. Similarly, what does Tom get by winning first sash at the contest and who is he even battling for that victory? There is drama in the script around him winning or not but he isn't battling anyone in the script and not sure what he gets by winning outside of the same color sash as Pippin.

I am rating this good because I like the story elements and I like a character who is better at what they do than someone else which you got going on with madame and pippin. If the items I mention above can be worked into the script, I think it can move to excellent.


One line was confusing, why does Brian say Send for Me and then Pippin exits?

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Who ARE YOU! This was amazing! Hands down the best of the month. Well, I still have two more to read, but man-oh-man was this goood!

I loved everything about it! It was phenomenal, from the descriptions to the dialogue. I loved how you introduced the characters. I loved the way they interacted with each other, AHHH, it was so good. Very refreshing.

Excellent all the way around.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Whilst there are lots of interesting ideas here, fitting them all into a five page script really hasn't left them much room to for them to breathe. It all feels so constricted and the audience would always be trying to keep up with all the new infomation and getting used to the rules and customs of the world you've created.

This could be great, you just need to make the script longer or simplify it so that it can work comfortably in five pages.

In terms of practical issues within the writing, I think sometimes you need to be more specific. For example in the description "Madame pulls components from other carcasses and places them on a table. She starts with a foundation, adds components, and a structure takes shape". In this case it's really hard to imagine the contraption she's making because you've given us no idea of it's size or the kinds of material it's made of.

Lots of imagination here :) Well Done!

Jordan Mitchell (Level 1)

To be honest at first I started reading and I was confused, but I kept reading. And I indeed like the story, I mean their some little errors in the fact that you place way to much detail in the very beginning of the story. The whole Madame thing had confused me in the beginning although. But I like it and the ending.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked the script. Madame inventor and Pippin are quirky and fun. I see that Tom and Brian tried to poison Madame. They poisoned Leonardo. And Pippin is a clever girl who understood and designed the way to get to them. Very nice...

Kim M Brantley (Level 3)

Very well written, and in only five pages, no less.

The visuals were set up beautifully and I was able to bond and root for the characters immediately.

The resolution was gratifying and tied into the beginning of the story very well.

Minor things: The word "PEOPLE" does not need to be in all caps as they are not major characters.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think this script is too short for the story it contains. maybe actually seeing this as a film would help but as it reads, it's a little difficult to follow...the narative jumps and although I can piece together the events that are happening...it doesn't really flow in a satisfying way. Who is Leonardo? What is this society? what is this world? are we talking fantasy or history? it just wasn't clear.

My suggestion would be to go ahead and expand into something longer to fully develop and explore this world.

giving a fair.

Kisha King (Level 4)

The beginning of the story is hard to follow. For me it isn't enough information for me to understand the story. The end of the story I really like and when I went back to reread it a second time the beginning of the story made a lot of since. I wish there was more information or clues at the beginning of the story.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Well written and interesting storyline with several unexpected twists and turns.
Thought for sure that the colorful description of Madame Inventor in the first scene was framework for an eccentric little old lady who would be killing people and stashing them in her attic. The turn of events actually seems to veer away from Madame as it's Pippin who exposes Brian and Tom.
The story could actually go in several directions, but there may not be enough foundation for Brian and Tom to turn sinister, be accused of causing Leonardo's death, "Just so you can wear the gray?" Brian and Tom come across more like secondary characters than the story's antagonists. Wonder if the strength might be in the contrast between Madame and Pippin and, perhaps, Madame should be the heroine at the end.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

An interesting little story of invention and intrigue. I wasn't sure quite where or when this story was set, and there were a lot of unanswered questions, but it didn't really matter. It was enjoyable for what it was!

The last page did get really confusing, though. We were led to believe that Madame was dead. For grass to instantly die when arsenic-infused water is poured on it means that there must be a TON of arsenic in the water, right? Arsenic is a metal found in nature, so the grass would be able to resist a little bit of it, or at least to not absorb it instantly. So how could Madame ingest that amount of arsenic and somehow resurrect? Perhaps she had built up a tolerance to arsenic similar to the gag in The Princess Bride?

Another question at the end is Madame Inventor's praise of Pippin. Madame created the arsenic tester, right? Because we saw her using it earlier in the script? So why is she so pleased with Pippin, who did not invent anything? Sure, Pippin figured it out quickly, but I thought the purpose of this society was to invent new things, not to use inventions as they were intended to be used.

An aside: I also didn't get Brian's dialogue: "Pippin must be losing her touch." Didn't Pippin just go wake up Madame? To what does this line refer?

I think the last page could be much cleaner, but overall I found this Very Good!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I wasn't sure about this until I got into it, then I was hooked.

Very nicely done. I love the story.

There isn't really anything I'd change. Certainly you could edit and putz with this, but it really doesn't need it.

The story is rich and full. I love the Leonardo references.

Formatting is good. Spelling and punctuation are good.

Very nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like this story about rival inventors. I'm not sure if Leonardo is meant to be da Vinci, which is who you think of first, because I didn't feel as if the dialogue and characters really fit in to that period.

You managed to tell a complete and satisfying story with several good characters in five pages.

Very good.

Maura Sateriale (Level 1)

I wish I had more context. Is this story set in the Victorian era? Also, I understand something fowl is afoot, but I wish I had more context as to what. And I would like to know the importance of the competition, (what is at stake? why would someone poison Madame?) because it just sounds like a victorian-era science fair

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I liked the story. I am generally not a fan of fantasy genre, but this was obvious enough to let me know it was a different civilization, but subtle enough that it wasn't overwhelming in it descriptions of the world. I thought the story moved well but I will say I was a bit confused by what actually happened at the end. the hair that Pippin tested came from Brian's tunic...was it Brian's? why would his hair show traces of arsenic?

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I wondered if this is another one that didn't make it into the mad scientist contest. This script was a bit confusing to me. I'll state a few of the things that stood out as I read.

It seemed odd that she was called Madame Inventor. A water purifier seemed like an odd choice for an invention as so many already exist. If she falls out right after drinking something, I would think that would be the first place the investigators would look, i.e. just test the water. Also, I don't think arsenic kills grass (or humans) that quickly. I believe it is a gradual condition that shows symptoms over time.

These were just my impressions, though. I may be mistaken.

The mystery with the 33 was pretty interesting, though. Also, I liked the name and character Pippin. I got a clear picture of her.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is very original and great fun to read, you pack a lot into five pages.

The characters are well drawn, I just love Madame, and your dialogue is good, perhaps a little too modern for the period??

There were a few lines of dialogue I didn´t get:

BRIAN
We thought you had forgotten.
Pippin must be losing her touch. -- I wasn´t sure why Pippin is losing her touch.

BRIAN
Send for me. --- he is standing watch so what is he being sent for??


MADAME
Leonardo’s hair is in my locket. -- not really sure why she says this.

Very small nit-picks which are probably just my addled brain being too tired to process.

I think this is excellent writing, well done.

Mohammad Nawaz (Level 4)

Hello, I haven't read the other comments so excuse me if I repeat anything.

Let's start this review off =D

The first line. "A workshop of a gadgeteer." I don't know about this one, in a way you're telling us instead of showing us but I can imagine what one would look like. Either way, it still makes sense without it so ditch it IMO.

So, the name. Madame Inventor! :P I dunno, strange name for a main character but it doesn't bother me a lot. I thought I should bring it up because on screen it might be confusing if everybody refers to her as Madame but that's just my opinion.

Then Pippin, another strange name.

"She notices a drawing by Leonardo." Hmmm, how might the audience know that this is a drawing by Leonardo if they were watching this. Perhaps say there is a signature which says Leonardo.

Ok, so I finished this and the truth is I didn't really understand it. Who is Leo? Was he a judge before Brian came along? If so, I didn't really see a strong motive for Brian to murder Leo. Perhaps it was the page limit, it seems that way to me. This could be a nice little story if there was some background on how important the contest was.

For what this is currently, I still enjoyed reading it. I think the page limit set you back but you still did a good job with it. The writing was good in most parts so that's always a good thing. Keep up the good work. =D

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Titlepage: Fairly interesting title.

Pg 1: Wow. No idea what is going on yet. You describe the details of the invention so precise. I do wonder if this comes back on the test. Am I suppose to pay attention here? Wouldn't you be better of just describing general instructions?

Pg 2:
Nice writing with the shy look. Tim's reaction is so passive. And why is Brian with a capital bold B? Have I been writing it wrong all these years?

Pg 3:
So he gets the sash anyway? Why isn't Pippin noting her suspicions? Her forehead wrinkles? I know the people here at MP really push on the visuals instead of 'unfilmables' but this is getting silly. It would be like saying: "Her upper lip curls upwards" or "salty water runs from her right eye"

Pg 4:
Wow pippin changes the subject effortlessly doesn't she? "You were upset?"
"this is a lie detector"
Fluid.
Anyway, this script has been quite messy. Well written thus far, but oh so messy. Too many characters, too many unneeded details. Let's see if this final page brings it around.

Pg 5:
INTO his testicles? Holy painful balls Batman.
Anyways, so Madame WASNT killed, because she knew beforehand? Or it just wasn't enough to kill her? And Brian's plan was to

I think this is really messy. Madame Inventor is a judge on the exhibitions, yet also a inventor who longes for her lost love Leonardo? He might have been poisonned by Brian, who has an apprentice named Tom, yet they act independent. Then they plan to kill Madame, in order to take over the contest? What the hell is going on here.
Maybe I'm missing something.

Well written, but the plot makes so little sense to me.
Odd how you combine names like Pippin and Madame Inventor with Brian/Tom.

Peter Breeze (Level 1)

I enjoyed Madame Inventor. The character was developed well and Pippin played equally well. The story line was easy to follow and was a quick read. I thought it could have explored a liile deeper the twins motive for attempting to poison the Madame. Just to win a sash in a contest seems highly unlikely a motive for murder.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I have not found any spelling, grammar, or format errors.

I had to read this twice to make sure I am following the story. It’s about an elderly entering an invention contest, where she is chosen as winner (I think, the lie detector test). She can’t keep her mind off of Leonardo. I’m still not following it though. However, I do not understand what happened to him.

The ending rather worked a little. It was teleported from the beginning, where Madame creates the lie detector test, and the ending follows her finishing it.

I like the visual description you gave us. Each scene and location were brilliant and all matched the tone. I think this story is Drama.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Neat story, well-told but the ending didn't satisfy enough. I wanted more complete closure and I felt like there was time to wrap things up with the antagonist being chased off. I loved the images in the attic but the inspection of the first invention felt rushed. There wasn't time to really inspect the device, just taste the results. Pippin was a faithful character but stereotypical and I wanted to have more of Madame's relationship with Leonardo, maybe see something that connected them. Overall, a very good piece.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

This is a story that is equal parts clever and disjointed. The motivations are muddy and the role of Leonardo muddier still. The tone is odd, and when or where any of this is supposed to be taking place remains a mystery.

And yet I did enjoy the setting of a sort-of science fair and the clues you dropped along the way, such as the dead patch of grass. The relevance of 33 was deduced by Pippin far too easily, however, and serves as a weak point in this tale.

You got a great many things right with this piece, but are encouraged to go back and inject a little more clarity into the proceedings here. This story is too hard to follow in its current form.

Fair.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think the idea is good, but the story does seem to ramble and wander a little bit. I wasn't sure sometimes what was going on.

I think because the attempted murder came out of nowhere, it was hard to believe or suspend disbelief. The script needs a little work, but I think with a rewrite and a few more pages to work with you could make this a nice little story.

I didn't get a handle on the relationship between Madame and Pippin, when you do the rewrite, (if you do) maybe a little more backstory on those two characters would make it stronger.

good luck with it.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

This was a truly creative touch from this writer. I liked the concept of the exhibit and the characters were well constructed. The twists and turns at the end were really crafty on the writer's part.

The structure was on-the-spot, didn't see any glaring mistakes or grammatical errors.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I think there is more to this story, but it seems like you took a much longer piece and chopped it drastically to fit in 5 pages.

I could be wrong, but that's what it feels like.

Anyway, there is so much you try to accomplish in these 5 pages, but 5 pages isn't enough, so everything feels terribly rushed and incomplete.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2012 12:14 AM

I really thought this was a great script!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2012 12:21 AM

Um... wtf? Why the hell isn't this in the top three? Wow, I really have to read the comments. I just knew this was going to take first. I have no idea what' going on. This was phenomenal. Everything about it was excellent. Definitely have to read the comments to see why people disliked this, because right now I'm just not getting it.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 12:33 AM

What he says! Great script. It came close though, very close, I think:)

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 12:34 AM

Ran out of favs alert!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 7:32 AM

I´m with them above, I thought this was a real contender and I´m sorry you didn´t even get an HM.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 9:26 AM

I gave this a VG, Gary. Really nice work.

Gary Rademan (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 10:44 AM

I feel so pretty! Seriously, thanks for the kudos and comments. A special shoutout to JPC for his "Who are you?" review. And favorite selections too?

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 12:18 PM

Add me to the list of admirers, Gary. Good work!