Comments Made During the Contest

Alex Mitchell (Level 3)

The writing was brilliant. You didn't add anything unnecessary and it was very smooth. That being said, the story didn't bear well with me. Possibly with a little more included about the characters, I could relate a little better. But there was a 5 page limit to the contest so this is understandable.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Very economic with words, good writing! Good characterization through dialogue. Also like that you make the scenes as short as possible. Pop goes to Clemens, but we don't see all of that. He just reports back to Kate.

What an original christmas story also. Loved it! A time for giving. A double surprise, first the reindeer helps Kate save Eli, then Eli helps her with her fence (they didn't have any money left).

Sweet and original story, well written and very much in the spirit of christmas.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

A nice story with a blend of western, fantasy and romance.

It was breezy read and it wasn't obvious where this was heading, so good work on that.

Not a huge amount to add. Maybe the set up with Eli could be foreshadowed a bit more, maybe the cashier thing wasn't really necessary, but these are not major points.

All the best.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Written well, no major typos or grammatical errors spotted.

Characters were described well as were the scene settings and actions.

A pleasant enough story that had quite a lot to it but the ending seemed to let it down somewhat.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This has a pretty nice pace to it. The characters all seem to have their own distinct voice - really nice job there.

As far as the story goes, it works like made-for-television movies work; they are cute and unashamed in their corniness. This isn't really bad, if that's what you were going for. I, for one, love to watch those types of movies (I watched about a dozen of them this last season with my wife). But they have their limitations too. I never had any sense of tension or drama in this. I don't know if this was intentional, but everything just seemed to flow along just fine. The only moment where there was a chance for this was Eli's accident, but we only joined as he was being saved by Kate and Jingle. Even the bickering between Pa and Kate was almost comical. I like it, but it doesn't quite resonate to a level that some of the other scripts do.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Pacing and formatting are great. Nice & tight, no errors or anomolies that I noticed.

This was going really well, but the last page or so kinda lost me with the corniness. I thought the buildup was exceptional, easily heading for an Excellent score but then Santa magically knew her name, the magic reindeer led her to an injured friend then disappeared into thin air and injured friend came over to repay the favor by fixing her fence. This is nitpicky, but if he was just unconscious and the car never exploded or anything, she didn't really save his life, did she? She just kinda found him while he was injured, but I didn't get the impression his life was endangered.

I guess I felt like the story was really fresh, but then we hit the Christmas magic portion and it suddenly felt very cliche. Overall, a nice effort. Good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

First impression, this is a pretty darn good story pardner...okay, my cowboy slang isn't up to snuff. Okay, I really like the opening scene gives a great first impression and you really paint a good idea in my head. There are a few mistakes with grammar but not enough to deter me from liking it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Well- written and I do like a touch of magic, so that bit didn't phase me.

good characterisation of the main characters.

I do think it could have done with a bit more 'bite' for my taste. It was cute and cute's not always palatable unless laced with a little more backbone. That's just me speaking but I do think more depth would set this on to a new dimension.

Sure it will be popular!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was really good. I especially liked the tone of it. It had a lot of charm. I liked all the characters and that you were able to tell a compelling story without a villain. Very well done.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

So, Jingle is a figment of Kate's imagination I gather. Okay. I'm not sure the set up gives me quite enough to willingly suspend my disbelief. Having said that, I think the writing was strong. The characters were well defined and distinct. There was a definite hook that kept me reading and the use of subtext was skillful.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

A great sense of atmosphere. You really get the feel of a rural community through dialogue and activities. Great charcters. There are a few absurd occurence that are left unexplained, but I think it works in this case. The affect is that you are left to wonder about the main character. Was parts of it her imagination?

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Another original story with interesting characters. It feels like it could be part of a longer story. A couple of small gripes. The reindeer is treated with a little too much ho-hum (There's a reindeer in my yard, that's kind of interesting, ain't it.) Also Kate a little too disconnected in what seemed to be a small town. Why is she waiting for her dad to call about the reindeer, she apparently works in town? Why doesn't she ask around? But these aren't deal breakers. Nice job.

Thanks for entering. Good luck.

David E Harding (Level 2)

Cute Christmas story. This may be my own preference, but I find that excessive white space in the action narrative slows down the flow of the read. In effect, you're providing unneeded camera direction.

Overall, I like the dialog, but you do have an inconsistancy in your story with Eli's line about "keeping that information to yourself." Earlier he gave the tip about how to track down the reindeer's owner. Why would he now question her seeing it?

David M Troop (Level 4)

Jingle

Jingle is a very well written tale about a reindeer who mysteriously appears where he is needed most. I'm not sure if this is a known myth or legend. If it's not, it sure is a good one.

The formatting is excellent. No mistakes or typos that I could spot.

The story is charming and folksy - as are the characters.

The dialogue sounds real and seems true to the surroundings.

The ending just falls flat for me. The story builds nicely. All the right beats are neatly placed, but I was expecting a more mystical ending.
Maybe replace the fixing of the fence epilogue with Kate chasing down Jingle after the accident and seeing something magical happen.

Overall, I thought Jingle was VERY GOOD.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

Interesting story with a Christmas feel. I liked Jingle and how he helped her rescue her friend. The structure was good (no FADE IN or FADE OUT) and to me it seemed like the story just ended. What kind of relationship did she have with Eli? How do we know she was poor? Good luck.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

-- A reindeer saves the life of a handy man --

Good script. Cute but maybe not cute enough.

Eli and Kate should have a MOMENT. Too much of dialog devoted to what do we do with the reindeer. Jingle has a Lassie and Timmy moment with Kate. ;) The reindeer needs to fly at some point. Need sense of urgency to find Eli.

Scene heading should be Kate's ranch? Also, the opening scene has Kate roping the runaway calf in the middle of snow covered nowhere. Kinda strange.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title certainly works for the story and lets us in on the genre.
Craft - your is very good!
Dialogue - the dialogue is mostly good and the characters are written with distinct voices.
Action lines - your action lines are good but I think Kate's sign should be "found" reindeer not lost as she found it and is looking for the owner.
Story - the story is great! I think you could turn this into a full length holiday classic!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"Attractive despite her weary eyes" If her looks aren't going to play into the story, then don't put attractive. As the reader, we automatically assume someone is attractive unless stated otherwise.

Are they really shouting at each other? The explanation marks are throwing me off.

Hm... this didn't seem to end. It just came to one. I really liked where it was going and I loved your writing style. I just wish the was a bigger pay off at the end. I liked that you didn't stuff Santa down our throats. You hinted at his existence and you left us with an ambiguous ending.

I just thought that the two main character stories could have ended better.

I'll give this a VG.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

This is good, but somewhat unremarkable and inconsequencial, probably because it seems the story isn't really geared towards children even though children are (more or less) the only people who would believe in such a thing as christmas magic. After reading it I don't feel I've gained any new insights into anything, it feels like "just" a story. In my opinion, a story doesn't have to make new insights or explorations, but if it doesn't then it better be extremely compelling or entertaining in other ways.

"Good" Well Done :)

John Jones (Level 2)

Its like Lassie with a magical reindeer instead of a collie. Had a nice little dose of bah-humbug as well as a small dab of magic and wonder. I liked grumpy old Pop. And I was glad that the little miracle wasn't a real life changer (I suppose it was, though) and it was just sort of business as usual after that.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I like you short.
The only thing - you could have shown that Kate wants to fix that fence and can't. And she's really ashamed to give it away.
I think it will give Kate the drive and make us root for her.
The story is Christmassy and nice. Kate is a bit aimless though. I think it would be much better if she had a secret - like she desperately needs to fix that fence and it's a hard task to accomplish but if she doesn't something might happen - like wolves may come and take away the sheep...

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think this has potential...I like the characters and the banter (especially with Pop) and the story unfolds nicely. It feels a little rushed (which may be a page constraint), like you tried to fit too much in a small space and because the the condensed timeline it's hard to build momentum, almost like you're trying to smoosh too many events into 5 pages.

over all the story works, but expanding to a few more pages once the contest is over will allow you to fully develop.

giving a good

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is a really nice Christmas story. I really like how you opened the script with being in a pasture chasing a calf. The ending is nice and sweet. The middle is okay but I think it kind of slow the story down.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A sweet Christmas story. Love the colorful description; the mental pictures provided by "snow-covered plains," Jingle, Eli's truck on fire are terrific. Am assuming it's intentional that Santa bears a striking descriptive resemblance to Pop. And he knows Kate's name. Clever.
Wonder if the opening scene might be combined with the second scene where Kate discovers Jingle. Establishing that "Plains" is the location could still work as Kate and Denver trot over to the "decrepit barbed wire fence." It's visually interesting already. Or, maybe, introduce Kate "in action" chasing, then lassoing the calf before trotting to the gate. Just an idea...

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

A nice use of direction in the writing: we never actually see the calf get lassoed, which means the director won't have to worry about getting that tricky shot. Good job.

I enjoyed the story and was very engaged by the pithy action sentences. I thought the dialogue could use some work, though, as it was a bit flat and full of cliches.

I also thought the ending and narrative should be stronger. The Santa/reindeer theme sort of fades away, as does the character of Pop. When storyline threads disappear like that, it makes the whole idea seem a bit unfocused. It makes me wonder if Pop was necessary at all, and how central "Jingle" is to the story. If the ending is really all about Kate and Eli, then the whole story should have been about Kate and Eli. But in fact, Eli isn't introduced until the bottom of page 2, which makes his character look secondary to both Pop and the mystical Santa. There also isn't the necessary tension between Kate and Eli that requires a car wreck/lifesaving event to overcome. They just look like buddies, instead of awkward adults who need coaxing to spend time with each other.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title.

I like the story, too, but it should probably be longer. You cover a lot in five pages, and each section could be expanded significantly. I actually think it would work better as a feature film. A romantic Christmas movie that could fall anywhere you chose between G and R ratings.

I really like the characters you've created. At first I was wondering why you named the horse, but the reason became clear fairly early. The dialogue is pretty good, with each character having a unique and distinct voice of their own.

I didn't notice any formatting, spelling or punctuation problems. I don't really think there were any to find.

My only complaint about this script is that it's too short. There's more to this story than can be put into five pages. I really hope you turn this one into a feature. Lots and lots of potential; it wouldn't be expensive to film for the right producer; and it's pretty marketable.

I'd like to see her try to get rid of Jingle and he keeps showing up.

I'd like to know more about Clemens wanting to buy Denver and why.

I'd like to know about the financial problems Kate's struggling with and whether they could lead to her considering selling her beloved horse.

I'd like to know a lot more about Eli and why Kate has such a semi-adversarial reaction to him.

I'd like to know more about Santa, too. What's his story, and is he the real deal?

More! I want more!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the contrast between the Western setting and the traditional Christmas imagery.

This was touching and pleasantly understated (I was ready for Santa to be real at the end). Very good.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

The story was well written. I have a minor technical comment, Pop mentions that Clemens wants to buy Denver. If I were watching this as a film, I would not know who Denver is. It is mentioned in the scene description, but not any other way. Maybe Kate should call him by name (maybe she did and I missed it.)

I liked the story but thought that if the goal was to create a sense of "Christmas Magic", there wasn't enough of a payoff. Perhaps if a love connection were hinted at in the final scene it would add a level of Kate being saved as well as Eli. The way I was reading it, he was being helpful as a thankyou, but I didn't get the sense that there was a relationship in their future.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was nicely written. The character development was good - the playfulness between Kate and Pop, and the tie-in with Eli. The cuss jar and Santa's jelly belly were a bit corny for my tastes, but nice touches.

I didn't think the payoff was worth the setup, though. It was basically just a reindeer version of a Lassie story.

Also, this may be silly, but do people really dig those spurs into animals that they profess to love? That seems like such an unnecessary thing to do.

Anyway, your craft was very nice. Thanks for entering.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Cute story, nicely written. I particularly like Kate and Pop's relationship, Pop really sprang off the pae with the cuss jar dialogue and I'd have liked more of him.

The end could be tightened up, the dialogue page 5 between Kate and Eli at the accident is a bit lame and on the nose, as is "how did he know my name?" on page 4.

And just a little nit pick - Kate goes from being in the truck to being on Denver and that would take some time for Jingle to wait patiently and Eli's truck not blow up. Just went through my head when reading and shook up my suspension of disbelief.

Good

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Title page:
Christmas themed entry. Okay. Or a radio centered one?
Nah, probably Christmas.

Pg 1:
Nice introduction. Sets the mood. Okay so we have our title explanation already. Reindeer. Okay.

Pg 2:
Odd transition here. So she leaves, then comes straight back from work or something? Bit odd this.

Pg 3:
Wouldn't 'Lost Reindeer' mean that she lost it? 'Found Reindeer, searching for owner' would be more appropriate? This story is getting stranger by the minute. First it was so athmospheric with the catching of the calf. Now it's just talking to random people. Santa even.

Pg 4:
Okay! Back in buisiness. Action and athmospheric tension. So Jingles leads her to an accident. Getting interesting. Now let's see the pay-off of all this:

Pg 5:
And then she has a small conversation with Eli, who fixes the fence. Circle round?
Loose ends? Santa. Pop. Reindeer. etc.

You write so well, but why does this story change tone so often. Was that bit with Santa really necessary. It's such a cliche: "How do you know my name" hihihi because this is the real one! Been done to death.

But I like the writing, I don't like the ending nor the central plot. But you certainly had me along for the ride.

Piotr Jamroz (Level 2)

This is a light and warm but in some way naive story. I did not enjoy it much, but I think that this story could work better as a fairytale. Car that stands up in flames just after hitting a pole? It sounds a little unrealistic (unless it was Ford Pinto ;)). I think you should put "OFF SCREEN / O.S." after characters name of first Eli's dialogue.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I have not notice any grammar errors, formatting errors, nor problems in your style.

I see this is going to be a western movie. I enjoy the buildup you have so far. Katie riding a horse and pops is a good character thus far.

The story is about a girl who discovers a magical reindeer. Grandpa complains that the fence needs to be fixed. Katie offers to fix the fence, even though she is unknowledgeable about fixing fences. Santa Clause secretly convinces her to save Eli, where Katie and everyone else are unaware of Santa Clause’s intension.

The reindeer disappears, revealing to us about Santa Clause’s “secret” intention. Then when she saves Eli from a car accident, Eli decides to fix the fence for Katie as an award for her giving her precious time away to save Eli.

I thought it was Western at first, but I guess it is Fantasy. The story is thrilling and entertaining. This is my first excellent so far.

This is my favorite of the month.

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

This was a simple, easy read with a good message. Story-wise it was all quite simple, character-wise you did a good job of making these people fairly believable, dialogue didn't seem out of place for me.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

A holiday tale. I was sure to find at least one, and you do put a slightly different spin on things. It read well -- though it did feel a bit cramped within its five pages -- and it had the feeling of having been awkwardly pruned in some spots.

Kate might spend a little too much time with Pop, who really contributes nothing to this story. That time might better be spent with the character of Eli, filling him out a bit.

The inclusion of Santa himself was a nice touch, and while it was a little corny to have Kate immediately grasp the significance of Jingle getting all "Lassie" on us, it works for the most part.

Good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I didn't see much of a story here. It seems to flip flop around and there's a lot of scenes but they don't push the story forward. I don't get a sense of what the main characters want, what their goals are etc.

The ending was a let down. Maybe you just ran out of room on the page count?

I didn't see the purpose of Pops, he was just there at the beginning and then never came back into play, so he was imho an unnecessary character.

Eli also... what was the connection between them? I guess this is what trips it up a little, is that there's no real connection with any of the characters that is cohesive and goes throughout the story.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

Throughly enjoyed this from beginning to end. Perfect story for the contest and the month of december perfectly timed for Christmas.

Kate and Jingle develop a bond that is a touching a entertaining to read. The writer pulls this reader in has developed a story that is very creative. The dialouge and story was truly orginal and that alone makes this the best script I've read during this contest.

Jingle all the way... I had to do it because this is a excellent script.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

Overall it seemed pretty uneventful. Why was it nessesary to mention that somebody wants to buy her horse? How does that add to the story? Also u should only add camera angels/ movements on a shooting script if ever.im talking about when u mention seeing the deer through the window and then returning to the scene.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Liked this a lot. You have great skill at quickly visually describing people with few words. Your format and pacing are well executed.

The only thing that I felt needed mentioning is your penchange for having your characters say everything they are thinking. Like when Eli asks how she found him, she say, "That reindeer led me here. Wait -- where’d he go? He was right here!". That is so on the nose.

For me, it would have played better something like this.

Eli rubs his head.

ELI
How’d you find me?

KATE
Jingle the Reindeer. He led me -

Kate nods towards where Jingle was standing, but he's gone.

ELI
Reindeer?

Kate stands, looks everywhere - nothing.

KATE
I swear, Eli. That reindeer was...

Eli smiles at her, winces in pain.

ELI
Whatever you say, Kate. But
maybe how you found me should
be our little secret.

Not perfect, but hopefully you get the idea. Play with it a bit, give your characters more interaction.

This gets a Very Good from me.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

There was nothing structurally wrong with the script and I can't say that the story wasn't hard to follow. The characters were clearly presented to the audience. The conflict was a catalyst for the story. I just felt like there was nothing in there that spiced up the plot. So many times we find these Christmas TV movies in which a character obsessed with Christmas explains what is going to happen and the moral of the story before it happens. You did just that.

I also hate forced sentimentality and even though this one wasn't as forced as other stories, the sentimentality that you wrote still made me roll my eyes at its predictability.

You wrote an easy story and nothing is wrong with that. Yet, there is nothing great about that either. I gave it a good because you didn't catch my interest and I felt you played it safe, even though it is a solid script.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

The story was fine, till the very end. Kate saved his life - really? Well Eli was up and around pretty fast for someone who was at death's door. And the "That's all I remember line" doesn't work because Eli actually remembers everything!

I rewrite of the last 1.5 pages could prove worthwhile.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2012 12:13 AM

This was a great script!

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2012 12:49 AM

Really enjoyed this. Can't believe I spelled "penchant" as "penchange" in my review! WTF?

Anyway, this is a fine script, Bill.

Bill Clar (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 10:06 AM

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Extra thanks to Tim for the dialogue advice!

I wanted to write a cute Christmas story. Something PG that you would find on the Hallmark channel.

I outlined the script and it came in at five pages. When I wrote it, it clocked in at seven. I gutted as much as I could to come in under five but the end result does suffer.

Yes, the Santa scene is cliche, but I like Santa and I like cliches.

Hopefully the rewrite, the original version, offers more clarity.

Byron Matthews (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2012 10:59 AM

Great story, Bill. I surely thought you would finish higher than you did.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2012 11:41 AM

I liked this. Gave it a VG.

Gary Rademan (Level 5) ~ 2/3/2012 12:55 PM

Hey Bill,

I read your expanded rewrite of Jingle and I liked it.

Although I can’t point to a specific spot and say that was an excellent change, I can say it felt more relaxed more like a story where Jingle was a part of a developing relationship between Kate and Eli.

Several items to think on:

When Santa is talking about the magic of reindeer we are setup to see some magic and we don’t. Jingle has a “Lassie, what is it girl” moment with Kate and at the end Jingle’s disappears. Easier to film but I felt a little cheated. Would it hurt to put a little extra glide in Jingle’s jumps?

I was confused by Kate’s role as a grocery store cashier. Prior to that, she says she is going to the hardware store as a customer. That scene can be cut without interrupting the story.

Also, there seemed to be two introductions to the story. One on the plains and one at the barn.

The end needs a cute moment or two. May as well go for broke. When Kate and Eli are looking for Jingle, Kate could realize “He was where he needed to be” and at the end where she accepts Eli’s deal she could say “And a cup of coffee” as a call back to his earlier offer.

The rewrite gets a very good, a step up from the good rating before.

Bill Clar (Level 5) ~ 2/3/2012 3:39 PM

Gary - Thanks for your comments. They're invaluable!

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 2/4/2012 8:47 PM

Bill, this is a cool script. I thought that it was going to rank. At least it will be an Honorable Mention. This is one of the fewest scripts that I find with a Goal (to fix the fence), and Obstacle (to return the reindeer), a resolution (to have Eli to fix the fence for saving his life), and an antagonist, (grandpa who complains about the fence). I enjoyed this and rated it as excellent.

Bill Clar (Level 5) ~ 2/5/2012 8:35 AM

Thanks Reginald!