Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I liked the story. I didn't get what you mean by baby steps. I think you need to put more of your voice in the writing. It felt robotic, clear but robotic. I couldn't feel any climax here. You made matters so easy for Hank. I needed him to struggle to get what he wants. Not just get it.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

First scene sets the scene; a park. We don't see Hank though. There is no visual cue that lets us know that the next scene plays thirty years earlier.

Great setup for a comedy! First you set us up for a first love, which can be when you're a teenager. Then you show us the babies meeting, cute and funny at the same time.

Spelling mistake on page five: "Do you come HERE a lot." Daunt fully thrust spelling chequers, ash they daunt ketch owl mistakes.

Nice! Love how you went from comedy to a love story. The baby part makes me like the characters and so I am rooting for them to get together, and in the end we see them meeting up.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The writing is sound and the baby dialogue is humorous without being sappy or gross.

It's a great setup, but it feels incomplete. Hank is passive. He doesn't actively look for Millie. He loses her and one day she bumps into him at the park.

Maybe you could introduce a brief montage of Hank's search for Millie?

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

What a lovely tale.

Voice overs can sometimes be flat but this one worked for me. I do like it when he eggs himself on, only to fail. My type of humour.

Well written, good dialogue, nicely paced and a tight overall structure. It kept focused on what it was trying to do.

Probably the best for me so far.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This was cute. Sort of a "Look Who's Talking" vibe to it. Perhaps that reference dates me, but oh well. I like this. It was a little predictable, but comedies with romantic ties (Romantic Comedy seems to be a curse word for some) always are. The interaction between the kids was fun and amusing. Some good humor mingled in there. The bigger issue for me is that you skipped-over the adults conversation and catching up - I would have like to see and hear that over the final voice-over and some of the stuff before they realized who each other was. It would make for a good circle to your story to show the baby conversation and the adult conversation. Anyway, nice job.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I felt like there were some fundamental problems with the story here as well as the formatting. There was way too much VO going on. Were these babies commnicating telepathically? He made a point of saying he couldn't talk and then went on to carry a conversation. To top it off, he referenced the conversation the two infants had 30 years prior and they both remembered what was said telepathically. I don't know... Impossible for me to buy in to this premise. Maybe if they had been 5 or 7 years olds... Not 9 months, that's just ridiculous. A nice effort. There is potential here if you clean up the formatting of so much VO and make the story more believable. Good luck.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

First impression, it was a bit cheesy, but it was funny. Not bad.

"She had the grace and sophistication of a four-year-old...," that bit of dialogue line made me chuckle. Now, my only question is, how do you differentiate with voice-overs when the character is speaking to the audience, or in this case speaking to the other character? Now, I could follow your idea the entire way, but I wonder if it confuses others.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this a lot - laughed out loud at a couple of the lines.

I THINK it will work. I'm always wary of too much VO, was a bit disconcerted by the huge great wodges of dialogue...but I think it will work!

Great job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is very sweet and cute. This might sound strange, but I imagine this would work better filmed than it reads - all the voice over is a bit overwhelming.

Still, this is a charming little comedy and I would love to someone film it some day. Well done.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Great title. Touching and hilarious. The thought of these two babies hitting it off had me smirking. The writer makes great use of the situation to invent nice lines like, "been coming here since before I was born." The ending is strange but, again, touching. Well done!

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Very competently written, different enough, with a nice ending. It was well done.

I'm not a huge fan of stories that put older people's thoughts or emotions into babies or kids. To be honest it kind of creeps me out.

But that's subjective. I'm sure this one will probably be loved by most.

Thanks for entering. Good luck.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I like this story. It has a lot of wit and charm but Hank and Millie's leap from babyhood to adulthood was a little jarring for me. Also, the story felt like it was more joke-driven than character driven. And the set-up on page one (everything prior to "Then, it happened") felt overly long and mostly extraneous. These are mostly quibbles, though. This is a very good rendering of an eminently produceable story idea.

David E Harding (Level 2)

Cute story with an imaginative twist and some very clever lines. I'm not much into talking babies movies myself, although I do love those E Trade commercials.

In many ways this has the feel of “A Christmas Story” with the narration of the older self. The tricky part is you have babies speaking. I think using the 30-year old voices for the babies would work better as it allows for sexual tension (yes, weird to say, but they ARE talking babies after all). It then all ties together in the end.

For the narrator I would use a future self in his 60s so you can separate the voice overs.

As to the end, do a dialog split so they can say their "Before I/you was/were born" at the same time. I'd also leave it up to the reader/viewer to decide if the couple remembers each other or if it's just kismet. You can do this by deleting first action line in your final paragraph.

Nicely done!

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

It's the old "show me not tell me" with the dialogue that Hank is doing. Montage Falshbacks would be good here. It's confusing to mix old and baby Hank in the dialogue. Reminds me of Look who's talking.

Cute story but kinda hard to believe a nine month old baby could fall in love. lol make the child like 5 when memories can be retrieved. Tighten up the story, add some flashbacks and remove the voiceovers and it could be a good story.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

-- A man recounts his first love --

Almost too cute. But nice idea for something different.

The best line was "and a few of their fathers."

The title reminds me of Bill Murray's What About Bob?

After the reveal that his first love was as a baby, it was hard to keep interested. Maybe another hook is needed after that? The girl walking up to the park bench is okay but we know she's going to be The Girl.

The first page didn't invite me in. Two large blocks of dialog and VO. Looks like double spacing after a period?

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is perfect for this story.
Craft - your craft is nearly flawless (add a period after fade out and it would be flawless!).
Dialogue - the dialogue is cute and fun. I particularly liked "strolled into my life" and "She had the grace and sophistication of a four-year-old." and of course, "baby steps".
Action lines - your action lines are fine.
Story - I loved this. It was a lot of fun. This should place.

James Hughes (Level 5)

This is a cute story. Since nothing happens in the very first part, do you have to super back 30 years or could you just start back then with the initial voice over covering that scene. How would voice overs of the baby's talking and Hank's adult voice over distinguish themselves, would you have an adult saying his voiceovers and children saying the conversation voiceovers? I suggest ending this earlier when she finishes his sentence. I don't think you need anything beyond that.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

ARGH! The ending disappointed me. I thought she was just going to walk away and they never see each other again.

BUT

This was amazing! I loved it. The jokes were on point and the dialogue was snappy.

So where they supposed to remember the telepathic conversation they had when they were babies? I guess I'll believe that...

I'll give this an excellent. Great job.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

This was very well written and despite the fact I wasn't exactly blown away by it, I really don't have much to criticise. It's a nice idea and you played it out well, I suppose I just find love at first sight something of a trite topic, maybe some added characterisation would spice things up a bit. Also, an over-reliability on voice over slows this down quite a bit.

As it is, I think it's "Very Good" :) Well Done!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's funny and I really like it. I don't know how the Baby voice will be done though. And also, I thought that he meat a four year old Millie when he was 9 month old. That means when he's 30 she is supposed to be 33. But no big deal. Maybe I missed something or misunderstood anyway.

It's an entertaining short. Everything in it comes together in the end. The title is really magical and you really build to it.
I simply loved it.
A truly original idea to make little ones talk to each other and fall in love with each other. Works for a comedy!
Excellent!

Kirk White (Level 5)

I'm torn with this one...on the surface it's quite sweet and I can easily envision this as a film and with real babies in the mix I'm sure it'll go over like gangbusters (start the next Look who's talking franchise). But something just doesn't quite resolve or gel with me. and I think it's the adult Hank VO. it's a bit redundant and doesn't really give us any new info so you're ending up with three versions of a VO: Adult Hank and baby Hank and Millie, when I think it would be much more effective if you just have the babies talk...maybe even play with intercutting that scene with the later scene of Adult Hank/Millie and expanding. maybe that could show us that adult hank has made up for the lack of opportunity with baby millie.

giving a good.

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is a very nice funny comedy script. All the jokes are really good and your not over doing or uder doing the story at all. I really like the V.O. guilding the story.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A sweet story. Likely to be some comparisons to "Look Who's Talking," but that's not a bad thing. Baby Hank and Baby Millie are very sweet and their baby babbling tugs at the heartstrings.
Did wonder if the ahhh elements could still be achieved without Adult Hank's voiceover. The same story told in a linear fashion with Adult Hank and Adult Millie meeting again at the end would provide a nice neat frame with the beginning. Might want to trim some of the lengthy dialogue to speed up the read.
Love the title. It's a perfect fit.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

This comedic little script has some pretty funny lines in it! Good job!

The read got really confusing, though, with all the repetitious (VO) and ADULT/BABY character names. I had to read it slowly in order to parse exactly who was saying what, and the timing of the comedy suffered.

One problem with the story is the conflation of obviously impossible behavior combined with real life. Human experience tells us that babies do not relate to each other as adults do, which makes the baby relationship funny even though it's impossible. But for Hank and Millie to "remember" all this stuff thirty years later? It's no longer funny because it's no longer ridiculous, because Hank seriously informed us that everyone remembers the moment they first met their true love. The reader/viewer thinks the author doth protest too much, and the suspended disbelief of the viewer has been broken.

I think this screenplay would be just as good (if not better) by eliminating the last two pages and concentrating on the humor. Overall, Very Good!

Luke Shipman (Level 1)

well done! i enjoyed that but i'm only giving it 3 instead of 4 because it wasn't dramatic or eventful enough for me (personally). the underlying theme for me is that the pair have already established some kind of synchro destiny and they experience this channel through the gateway - the eyes. the park bench/park setting does not interest me anymore, but that's just me and i would like to see this love at first sight film made in an environment that is less obvious and more unlikely as an event in the grand chain of events. but if this setting is personal to you, then ignore me and stick to the park. the narration made ms smile all the way through.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is okay-good.

Formatting and punctuation are good. I only found one misspelled word in the script. "MILLIE - Do you come HEAR a lot?" Last page.

Your opening is visually generic and unfocused. The large block of VO pulls the reader out of the visual, too. It might help if you break it up with one or two specific shots, then zero in on Adult Hank sitting on the bench before you go back 30 years.

The basic story is really good. It carries a nice variety of emotion and has a universal appeal to it that really makes a piece like this work. It needs some editing, not much, and I'd like to see you add more visuals if you do a rewrite.

I can easily see how this could be filmed. Yes. Even with the babies. Using babies instead of toddlers is brilliant, because you can film them totally out of context and bring them in to the flow with editing (as per the E-Trade commercials).

Nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the concept of the babies talking to each other in voice-over, but when this came back again I thought it was a lot more self-consciously cute. I would have preferred it if the baby scene was more in his imagination, which is what I thought initially, as I find it hard to believe in babies talking in their own secret language.

The chunks of voice over at the start are far too long to fully read and digest. What's going to happen on screen while this is being read out, are we just looking at the same moment described in the action before for the whole time?

Matthew Scott (Level 2)

I think this was a solid effort, but there are a couple things I found distracting.

There's a lot of good stuff here. This is funny, clever, and optimistic (in a good way). Most romantic comedies have a simple optimism that says Love Conquers all. And we see that here when Hank and Millie find each other 30 years later. I also think you did a great job incorporating a lot of high concept dialog uniquely possible in your script. Things like "baby steps", the analogies of love to baby issues, and the envy of other fathers line.

If I have any complaints, it's that the "middle" seems missing. You have a solid opening and a good ending as they rediscover each other. But I'm missing one core complication in the middle. One problem is that the narration might be a bit too long, which didn't leave you much room. Millie is taken away. Hank is upset as a baby. Millie shows up as an adult, and Hank is happy.

But overall, good work.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

Very well done. I liked the balance between voice over and the action it was describing. I have been seeing alot of voice over in the scripts that seem forced and unnatural, but yours worked well.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

To be honest this was a bit too cutsie for my tastes, but it was quite good in spite of that. It was VO overload, but you handled it well and I could see it working on screen. The dialog was witty and humorous, albeit in a cutsie way.

I thought all this was fine until the thirty years later part. This part didn't quite work for me. I appreciate the point you were making about not being in a rush and all, but it seemed too odd to me that infants would recognize each other.

Anyway, it was nice writing and an original idea. Thanks for entering.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Really cute, this had me smiling and feeling all fuzzy inside.

reminded me of 'Look Who's Talking' which was a favourite hit of mine, I adored it!

I didn't like the huge block of dialogue you open with, it instantly put my back up and meant you had to work much harder for me to like the story; try breaking bit chunks of speech up with an action line. Even in lauded scripts such as 'Chinatown' the massive chunks of dialogue seriously annoy me and I find my eyes glazing over, I think it's an MTV generation thing.

The dialogue with all the VO's and various Hanks and Millies was also an effort to read.

But cute job.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Title page:
Okay, so this one will involve some kind of Baby thing. Perhaps parenting?
Average title.

Pg 1:
Wow, big block of text. Amateur writer or just loads to say? Hmm..it is kind of poetic, bit cliche. And we jump back 30 years. Even though you have introduced nothing.

Pg 2:
Baby talks! Low on the visuals though, just them going back and forth. Am I just looking at infants here? Are they doing anything in particular.

Pg 3:
Haha good going with the numbers at the end. Rest of the dialogue feels a bit forced.

Pg 4:
A guy with red hair and handsome? I can't picture it...try to use visuals, not unfilmables ;)

Pg 5:
Don't really get this. Do they remember it, or is it more of a gutfeeling?

I kinda like the Baby talk and the dialogue and the setting, but overall I just don't get the clear concept. Is this looking back, or do they fully remember.
It's confusing in the details. Course, it's just a fiction story, but it should have some firm rules if it wants to be enjoyable.

Peter Breeze (Level 1)

Very Good!! Millie and Hank two souls reunited after years of seperation. Great love story. The V.O.'s make it somwhat hard to follow when I first started but after a few pages you get used to it. It would have been nice if the final scene was at the alter exchanging rings.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The line of dialogue is a bit long. Try to limit the dialogue to six lines or less. However, the dialogue is real and natural. I found no grammar or formatting errors. The pacing is good. All the scene headings are in line and scenes flow well.

This is an entertaining script. The Baby Steps title tells me what the story is about. The two babies have abilities to interact with each other as a baby, then they form a relationship at birth, the grow up and meet again, then they find out about each other. However, I find it a bit unbelievable for an adult to remember his/her first thought ever since he/she has been born.

You established the flashbacks well. You incorporated lives together from birth to adult through flashbacks well.

I think the story element can be stronger though. As for now, it is good as it is, but it can use a little bit of polish The screenplay is well executed.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

There was an aw-shucks kind of sweetness to this but a few of the lines kept missing the mark with me. I wished Hank were set up to be older than 9 months. What's wrong with 18 months? It would make a difference to me. The adult narration mixed with the dialogue would probably play well but 'cooties' struck me odd. Not sure why but I haven't heard the term in a while. The tag scene at the end seemed a little too convenient. It works to bookend the story but felt placed rather than a natural progression. Still, this flowed pleasantly and didn't contain any glaring format errors. Good work.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

This could probably be very cute, with the talking babies and all. "What's your number?" Ha.

Adult Hank intrudes on their conversation a bit too often for me, and during his opening monologue, I might refrain from having him wax nostalgic about his mother's breasts. Just a thought there.

Your exchanges between adult Hank and Millie work well, except for the thing with the water bottle. That is just a weird request that would play out awkward, and I suggest you compose something a little smoother to transition to that plot point.

So, no big surprises here, and no mystery where this was going, but the babies put enough of a spin on this to help it feel fresh.

Very good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I gave this a good because it's a cute story. You've got some fun sweet moments in this and I think it would make a sweet short film.

The voice over, especially when they are babies at the park was a little hard to follow, with adult Hank chiming in, (also in voice over).

I thought it a little contrived, that they meet and remember a conversation they had with each other years ago. And a bit convenient that even though they are thirty years old, they are still single. Maybe consider making them younger by at least ten years. I mean, they both must be pretty boring characters if they have been just 'hanging around' for thirty years.

Also it seems a little contrived that if Millie and Hank's moms were friends, that they would have the one chance meeting in the park, and that would be their only contact.

Good effort and sweet story. I did enjoy it, despite the comments above.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

This was a sweet flick, the script was heavy on V.O. which I didn't mind, but it was a lot and not much action here. The overlapping dialouge between Adult Hank and Baby Hank was a good touch. Liked the story however I would've loved to see more action early and more often.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

Very good! Out of the ten that I've read so far this is the highest that I've rated anything. Good for you. The story was clever and sweet. It has love and loss and love again. How can you beat that? The dialogue was great. I thought that when they met at the end maybe old man Hank would start chiming in on his 30 year old self. I thought that would have been a good way to end it but I liked your way too. Again, very good stuff!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Hmmm... the best way I can sum up how I feel about this is: trying too hard to be cute/funny.

The opening gigantic chunks of dialogue feel very 'done before' and on the nose in the context of the type of story you are writing. After the second huge paragraph, I could sense what was going to happen.

I felt like I was watching a variation on Look Who's Talking.

You obviously have talent and I can sense that if you were writing this as a feature, you wouldn't have the "telegraphing everything" issue this script has now. But as it stands, this just didn't do it for me.

Best of luck.

William Phibbs (Level 1)

I thought the dialogue and concept were great. I know you probably have heard it before but it definitely had that "Look Who's Talking" feel but you made it work with a different angle. The first love aspect and the return on it 30 years later was great. Very witty and intriguing. Could definitely be developed into a short or feature that would give a breath of fresh air to the romantic comedy. The reuse of the cooties line was great as well because it is something that in any age group would feasibly work as a cutesy pick up line. Well, in most cases. Wouldn't necessarily say it while in bed for the first time, might draw some unwanted attention. Other than a few marks for punctuation (for instance "hear" instead of "here") very good. Just watch your editing.

Comments Made After the Contest

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2012 12:05 AM

Davide! (That's french) Great job man. I gave this an excellent.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2012 12:12 AM

Congratulations on the Honorable Mention!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2012 12:21 AM

Congrats on the HM!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 12:29 AM

I loved it! Congrats to you.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 1:07 AM

I gave this an excellent as well - great job!

Bill Sarre (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2012 3:32 AM

Well done David, had an excellent from me. A delightful, gentle tale.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 8:05 AM

Congrats David, really quirky, well done

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 8:55 AM

Congratulations on the HM, David.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2012 12:07 PM

Congrats, David! Well done!

David M Troop (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2012 4:43 PM

What a surprise!
First of all, thank you everyone for all of the suggestions and comments and kind words.
I agree this must have been a bugger to read with all the VOs. Sorry about that, but I was able to here ;) all the different voices in my head very clearly as I was writing. I agree this story would be a lot easier to watch than to read.
I like a lot of the suggestions and will be doing some revisions.
Your pal,
Dave

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 3/5/2012 2:43 AM

I rated this as excellent. The rewrite looks good so far, especially the expanded version of this.