Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Page one is all exposition through dialogue, delivering backstory. You can probably scrap the entire page and weave that information in later, if at all necessary. Right now it is a political commentary and it TELLS us of the writer's opinion without SHOWING us.

Then page two it appeared to me to be a pamphlet about how society is forcing police men to be all precious about things. This kind of made up for page one.

But wait -- then page three happened and they weren't policemen but poop scoopers. It was surprising, and a comedy (although the story felt like it started as an action story, AK-47's.

I think twists work well in shorts, twists that reveal new depths to a story, but not twists that turn them into other genres. It is jarring.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

From your description of the characters, this is not an American police station. You might want to include the country in the slug line.

The dialogue doesn't flow. "crapping all over society" and "get our cloven hooves on" feel out of place.

"insure" should be spelled "ensure".

This is more of a skit than a story. One scene, minimal conflict, and a punchline ending.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

Nice to read something different and an amusing take on regulations, compliance etc etc

I particularly liked the Monkey spanker name!

Criticism - the use of six was not core to the script which but not sure how important this is.

I liked it. All the best.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

It was quite well written, no major typos or grammatical errors noted.

I was a little confused over the references to other names used at first but I don't suppose I'll be the only one, I didn't mark you down because of it.

Would this have really taken place in a police station?

The character names fitted the overall story but might have given it a bit more edge if they had more 'macho' names.

The story was mildly amusing, perhaps a little too much exposition, the ending didn't come as much of a surprise.

Good effort.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

3 Characters/ 3 Pages

This was written, paced and formatted pretty well. No errors or typos that I noticed.

The story here really didn't grab me. I get the joke, I just didn't happen to find it all that funny. All of the bureaucracy of any government type agency is fair game for jokes, I just didn't happen to find this particular punchline all that funny. That being said, a cimple tweak or two could change that entirely.

Overal, I felt like this one may have some potential, but could still use a bit of polish.

Nice work and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Funny stuff. At first, I read "Operation Dingle Drop," and I was like do I really have to read this, because I wasn't quite sure where this story was going. But then I started to see the humor in it as I continued to read it. Of course, now that I understand the ending; the beginning of the story is actually well written.

Script format was easy to follow, but there was a problem at the end of page two where Mutt's name is on page one but his dialogue is on the third page. That's just a pet peeve of mine, but I think those things should be together on one page. The ending with them fighting with their poop scoopers was a bit cheesy but not a deal breaker. Great story.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Swat patrol by? Why do this?

You tell us there's going to be a discussion and then there's a discussion! You don't need to tell us.

I found this amusing, though too much talk (amusing though it was) and not enough action - in fact NO action!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Notes:
- Your opening action block sounds like something I would've written a couple years ago. That means you need to come up with a more interesting way to get this information across.
-Don't let your dialog fall across two pages.

I have no idea what this means. What's the point? I get you were trying jokes, but you can't force them or they fall flat. Keep writing.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is a fun skit/satire on police and the effects of living in a politically correct world.

There are some interesting observations and some fun moments, but it never really made me laugh.

I wish the humor had either been broader or the satire even darker.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Hilarious! I thought it was just a straight satire, because it worked so well for what it was, but wouldn't you know it, there was a a twist at the ending as well. And I felt the story pinpoints an important issue as well. On the surface the story is sort of silly, but it highlights how politics and the sensitivity to various people and groups and the fear of law suits have become such a big part of our thinking that we can hardly get anything done anymore. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. Either way, hilarious!

David M Troop (Level 4)

I'm sorry. I usually will defend comedies tooth and nail, but I really didn't find too much to laugh about. And you gave away the ending before the bottom of page one.
I can tell that you are one of our better writers because your formatting is almost perfect. Your descriptions and action are tight. But, poop jokes?
I don't want to burn any bridges, so I will just say, "It's not you, it's me."

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

Very funny! I love the ending! I thought they were FBI. Very good story. Wish you had more action between the dialogue. It was too much face to face. More action would not have taken away from the surprise ending. Nicely done!

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Nice job. This reads like a "Reno 911" episode, so you've got the tone for comedy down. I think I'd like to see some of the dialogue tweaked. It felt a little forced, like you're trying to put in too much information. All in all, an enjoyable read.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

For the most part, the writer has screenwriting format down and I think many will like the sarcastic plot but I am not one of them.

A few comments:

1. First paragraph under first slug reads: MUTT SHEPARD discusses a covert operation with his team leaders. Okay, first off is Mutt seven, twenty-seven, or eighty-seven? How old is he? Secondly, only write what will be filmed and then add the dialogue. So consider rewriting this: MUTT SHEPARD (13) stands with his team LUKE (12) and SIMON (11), all dressed in..." And then go into the first bit of the discussion with your dialogue.

2. Bottom of page 2, the characters name and his dialogue are separated. Never separate the dialogue from the character's name.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

The setup for this story was to have the reader think a squad leader was a tough as nails guy leading a SWAT team into battle and the realization that all is not as it seems.
Story was amusing.
Why tell us they're planning a covert operation? We can see that.
Why would they be at a police station?
Why did the description include AK-47s?
What did the phrase "cloven hooves" mean?
MUTT was a perfect nickname.
Play up the macho attitude for bit more to really sell it.

Glenn M. Mitchell Jr. (Level 1)

Kind of funny, nice little twist. Thinking they were cops, but coming to find out they're dog catchers,quite creative. My main problem was execution and too much dialouge and not enough action. Not enough description on what going on, its seemed like you're depened on dialog to much, which is coping out on the story for a screenplay.Dont tell me , show me.Donut ass? lol.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is okay but it does not hint at the story or genre very well.
Craft - there are a couple of craft issues. Why are there no ages or descriptions of the characters? How can we visualize what you are seeing without any description? Also Mutt's line on the bottom of page two should be with the character's name, not divided between two pages.
Dialogue - the dialogue is good. It's clever and fun.
Action lines - your action lines are fine.
Story - the story is fun but I'm still not sure what the characters are. Human, talking animals, cartoons?

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Pjay, since I finally got to the end, after the third try, and let me reread everythinbg that you said.

as many as their agents" I don't think that translates well when talking about dogs.

How can the dogs call them names? Unless you mean the owners of the dogs?

I found parts of this hilarious, and then others parts not so much. I just didn't get the relevance of some of the things. Like the Governor seeking the PETA vote. I'm not sure how it connected with the story. And the union dues? It just seems to take the focus of on the real task.

This has potential. I won't be surprised if this receives an honorable mention.

Jess Lindon (Level 1)

I really like the twist as I really believed that they were from the police getting ready for a dangerous drugs bust but instead it's a poop patrol.

I really like the character Mutt as he takes it so seriously. He made me laugh. He obvisiously got his nickname from his job.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Your very first sentence "discusses a covert operation" - I think tells too much. I think that this sort of info we need to pick up from the dialog. Besides you don't even need it because you let us know what sort of thing they are discussing straight away.
It's a bit dialog heavy for me. I think it's a comedy but it's not the type of jokes that make me laugh - maybe because the set up is not that convincing - they are discussing a covert operation. However, I do think some may find this very interesting and funny perhaps.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Funny story idea. Took a couple reads to pick up all the detail. Mutt Shepard is a terrific character name, considering the "Kind and Gentle Animal Control Agent" punchline.
Might need to tighten a bit. There's a wealth of snappy dialogue, but the narrative seems to stray into non pet-related territory with the "police brutality victim vote and...Democratic children of Republican parents..." It's interesting and colorful, but not certain that Simon's newspaper picture of the "various political groupings" is relevant to this story about zealous Animal Control Agents.
Bit confused by the first header. Did wonder why these guys are situated in a police station. Their motto, though, is a kick.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The cloven hooves reference threw me. I'm having a hard time figuring out why you used that phrasing. It isn't really bad or anything. It just doesn't make sense to me. Not in any real or implied context of this story.

In Simon's dialogue at the bottom of pg. 1, try using caps for "Police Brutality Victim" and "Children." It might make them sound more official. It has nothing to do with what will appear on screen, of course. Just a thought on my part for the script.

You have "MUTT" at the bottom of pg.2 and his dialogue on pg.3. Fix that.

The formatting is pretty good. The story is pretty good. Grammar and punctuation are good.

Nice work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was silly, that's for sure but I wasn't really sure what was going on. What were they supposed to be enforcing? Picking up after your dog? I think that was it. I read it twice and still wasn't exactly sure. I think the voting thing got me confused on the plot.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is a fun ridiculous idea.

"MUTT SHEPARD discusses a covert operation"
Generally action should only include information that we can see on screen. There's no way of knowing what they're talking about until they start talking, so this is redundant. It could be replaced with something maybe describing how the group are standing to talk, eg in a huddle or sat in rows or something.

Maybe to improve it you could have it be more mysterious what's going on initially. "Operation Dingle Drop" already sounds comic.

Good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Man, this was hilarious!

Now if I was channel surfing, I would have kept clicking as soon as I saw Mutt chewing on his unlit cigar. But then I may never have heard the term "henpecker" to call someone. (I'm gonna try it out on somebody now. Be right back.)

Ha! Just called my neighbor a henpecker and he didn't like it one bit. He had no come back so I ran back inside. It was great.

I would have liked to see a bit of description of the characters - at the very least, their ages. Not a biggie, but would have helped my minds eye.

You totally got me with the ending and that just raised the humor tally up another notch. "They whoop it up and sword fight with their pooper scoopers." Classic!

With all that said though, I tend to vote higher on scripts that have a more profound and lasting effect on me. This was kinda like a skit - and that's OK. It's always great fun to laugh. Thanks.

Moldovan Alexandru (Level 3)

It's quite a funny story I enjoyed it. I loved the double meaning of everything in this script and leader's name is MUTT, very ironic.

It mocks all the regulations about animals and the average intelligence of a cop.

I liked it.:)

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Wow, I was really confused for most of this, and not really impressed with the ending. I think that there isn't really a story here, at all; just a bunch of spoken nonsense that doesn't lead anywhere.

You've got three characters at the begining, but at the end I'm imaging a much larger group. I really think there needs to be some kind of goal for your characters.

And since I was so confused with what was going on versus what is being said I really couldn't get past those areas.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

"chewing on an unlit cigar" - I like this
You know, I like this. I like the dialogue.
My only problem is there is a lot of talking and not much action. Feels rather like a play than a screenplay. I get the humor, it's funny, but still, I'd like to see less talking...

Good luck!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

At first it is a good commentary on behaviour of swat rules and police complaints.

Then, because of the ending, it is just aboit poopscooping. Absolutely reversing your point.
Destroying the message.

Any how: well written, nice pace. Just a little simple.
Not so visual either.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

You have a few minor formatting errors. In the opening scene heading, you did not include a space after “INT. Police Station.” The second problem is that Mutt’s name needs a page break with his line of dialogue. The third problem is that “FADE OUT” contains a single space when it should be approximately two spaces after the last line of description.

You did not need to tell us that Mutt is discussing a covert operation in the opening description. The dialogue already tells us that.

Try to avoid using the progressive verbs. Doing so will weaken the flow of the description.

As far as the story goes, the ending, where the team members decide to sword-fight with pooper-scoopers did not go so well. The conversation on the Covert Convention is good. It explains the setup. However, I feel that the Setup is the plotline, when it should not. The ending is the best part of the screenplay, and I wish it had more action.
I enjoy the read.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

I was going to rate this as fair, but I think I had just enough enjoyment to rate this script as good. A lot of the jokes were very forced through the script. Maybe that was how you meant it, but I can't lie when some of your writings did make me laugh. So the Animal Control Agent works out of the police station? Also, that team means business by carrying around AK-47s along with their pooper scoopers. Anyway, this script was a light story that did entertain me enough all the way through.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

The main thing that's lacking here is any sort of action. And I think it needs it. Why not have all this going on, when you're actually doing something? Just having them talk about what they are going to do, and what they've done in the past, really isn't a story, it got a little boring.

There are some funny lines, and if you coupled these fun lines with some funny action, it would make it so much stronger.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

Wasn't real big on this one. I think it was trying to be more clever than it really was. The ending was kind of cute, but I'm trying to figure out why this had AK's and bandoliers in the beginning...

Anyway, there were some definite spelling and grammatical mistakes in here and those things should've been cleaned up. Other than that, there wasn't much else to speak of.

Fair.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Hmmm... the story here seems a little mixed up. At first it seems, from the dialogue, that the characters might in fact be dogs, then it feels like political statement, then the "cops" seem they're human and under duress not to hurt anyone they arrest, then they leave with pooper scoopers and don't appear to be true cops at all.

I think there is a lack of direction regarding the plot here.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This was a fun little story. Some of the jokes fell flat but some of the others got a smile. I do think you could add a bit more to this, right now it's just a couple of dudes talking. Why not give them something to do?

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Setten (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2011 3:49 PM

Thanks for all the great feedback. I just joined MP at the end of Oct and wanted to get going so tossed in this old sketch I wrote while in a comedy writing group (they had similar feedback: no action, too much blab). Ironically, I joined MP mainly to write non-comedic stuff so next time that's what I'll do. One thing I've learned about comedy and funniness is that it's like politics you're not going to please everyone. Anyway, so happy to be part of the group and am looking forward to learning from you all (and hopefully can reciprocate).

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2011 3:56 PM

Chris, I thought this was hilarious. And I just now caught the pun in Mutt Shepard's name!

Byron Matthews (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2011 5:09 PM

You made me laugh.