Comments Made During the Contest

Arun Suresh (Level 1)

points achieved for being qualified, ok. But I know nothing of the girls to give a review. Where they coming from ? Where they going? What's going around them ? Idon't know I couldn't peice it. Then I felt, the initial walk of the girls were unnecesserilly stretched over two scenes, why ? More over when it comes to visualisation, the elements like harshness of sun and the lack of food, will need a rewrite.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Page two, writing: two sentence after each other that end the same way, "in it."

The ending was telegraphed from early on; Lacey wasn't going to survive, and Bridget was going to end up alone.

Some apocalyptic world, few survivors, few surviving buildings. No explanation as to why or how. What illness does Lacey have, and isn't it contagious? Why isn't Bridget ill?

Lacey sounds too wise for her age; calculating how many days until she reaches safety (where is that? What is safe in that world, and why?) and calculating how much food she'll need. An 11-year-old would be just as scared and helpless in that situation as an 8-year-old would be, I think.

Make it a mother or grandmother, or a person who clearly doesn't have a future ahead of him/her, and make that person do something that will save Bridget's life after that person dies. Perhaps mention the terminal illness only at the end, as a surprise twist.

I know exposition is bad, but this is a world different from ours so you have to explain some things, somehow. Especially when you have little space, exposition through dialogue is almost the only option (as long as you hide it in realistic-sounding dialogue.)

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Good description of Lacey and Bridget.

Are the dissolve transitions really necessary?

Lacey's sacrifice is noble, but without any back story the impact is lost. I'd like to know what Lacey and Bridget are running from and where they're heading.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

A post apocalyptic story, I assume.

A few small points. Avoid words ending in ly. Eg no need for extremely in the first para. Later, no need for completely fallen down, how about just, fallen down. Reads a little easier.

The cont'd seem to stop and start, not consistent.

At the end, how do we know they are sisters. We only know what we see.

As to the story. Two sisters on a walk. What is the story trying to tell us, or what do we need to discover? Why bother walking, what's the point? Where are they going?

I think you need a few more pages on this to add to the depth the story requires, and would benefit from.

All the best.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

2 Characters/ 4 Pages

This was written and formatted pretty well. It could have been tightened a little to increase the pacing. Also, remember to avoid passive verbs in favor of more active ones.

The story was familiar, something akin to The Road. Since it was familiar, I was able to guess the ending quiet early on, but certainly after the first coughing fit. Perhaps find a way to disguise that a little more.

Overall, the script was pretty cool. A little predictable and resembling stuff we've seen before, but still a pretty cool little script. Nice work and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

"...and begins in a coughing frenzy." -- Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe you used the wrong preposition here.

As for the story, pretty compelling stuff. Granted, it's easy to depict that Lacey was going to kick the butt, but I find it interesting to see how a writer makes their characters pass onto the other world.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Please use Present Simple tense not Present Continuous - walk not are walking, leads not is leading

The dialogue is quite wooden in places. Makes it sound unnatural, especially for kids.

What is the story here? This seems like a little extract from a larger piece. We really need to know something about what has happened beforehand for this piece to have any impact.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

A nice post apocalyptic story. Those are always happy and cheery. The 'you' and 'we' got heavy handed the second time. I would keep it to just once, we'll get it. Good job

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I liked this post-apocalyptic story very much. It reminded me of "The Road" (one of my all time favorite books).

I though this was an incredibly powerful story of survival with two sisters. I just wish I didn't feel the ending coming. I wish you had a different surprise for us. Perhaps there is only enough food for one and Lacey makes a choice not to go on.

Also, I imagine others will be left with too many questions about what happened in this world, but I like that ambiguity here.

Overall, I liked this a lot and I think with a very small rewrite it could be excellent.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

The author does a good job establishing an atmosphere of melancholy, despair and hopelessness. This was accomplished via showing and not telling which was effective. There appears to be some nihilistic tension that permeates both dialogue and description. The writer could have exercised more economy of words in his/her descriptions. I thought the dialogue did not do a good enough job of distinguishing characters, something i believe could be easily rectified. Finally, the story's progress was on the predictable side and needs an ending twist to really sing.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

The story's focus is not what you'd expect. I was anticipating an explanation of how we ended up in the here and now. But the setup serves more as a backdrop for the relationship, and amplifies the sense of loss when it is broken. This is good! I rarely go for the emotional stuff in story's this short, but because you don't have time to get involved, but this one sort of hit me.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

A powerful piece. I loved the way you portrayed an older sister preparing a younger sibling for a harrowing journey without her. The "we" versus "you" device was played maybe once too often (we get it, no need to overplay it). And I couldn't help but wonder if, perhaps, there was a little more dramatic currency that could be spent in the final moments of the story...for instance, when Bridget covers Lacey with the blanket she needs a moment to summon the strength to actually cover her sister's face with the blanket and thus say goodbye forever. Just a thought.

Also, I would suggest try and make your descriptions more active. Example: change "...are walking along a deserted road" to: "...walk along a deserted road" (etc.).

I liked this story a lot and found it quite moving. Well done.

David M Troop (Level 4)

Guidance is a good post-apocalyptic drama about two young sisters trying to survive day by day.
Lacey keeps expressing the importance of walking and rationing food to her younger sister - so that she can survive alone after Lacey's death.
Good solid story. The characters are believable and react accordingly to their situation.
Didn't notice a protagonist or even a reference to what they are walking away from or toward.
Formatting issues.
Too many ING verbs in your description and action.
are walking along, Lacey is leading the way, Lacey starts walking, etc.
Lacey crouches over and begins in a coughing frezy?
The suns already up.
The final block of action is very good. I know you were frantically trying to squeeze it all on the last page, but you have to break it up - usually no more than four lines of action then skip a line.
OVERALL - Good.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

Seems like these kids had to grow up too fast. Why is there a wasteland? What are they running away from? Why do they have to get off the streets at night? Flashbacks could've worked here.

I would remove the dissolve to and just change scenes.

Very good story

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Nice job. I sensed maybe too early that Lacey would die, but the timing does work. A couple of things - She doesn't give her directions on what direction to walk. In a wasteland, she could walk for six days and end up where she started. I'd add something like "remember to always start towards the sun, and when it starts to go down, keep it at your back" or something for reference. Also, I'd like to see her give some emotional guidance, maybe even accidentally, rather than just physical guidance. Something like "Remember what mom taught us. As long as we endure, she endures." Then maybe a little exchange about what that means. And the last paragraph description needs to be tightened down to three or four lines.

Overall, this is nicely done.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This story could benefit from a few more pages but, overall, nice.

When I read the first action paragraph I was struck by how many times the writer used the word ARE. Try to use more ACTIVE words.

Same comment for the word IS. Example: "Lacey is leading the way..." Consider instead: "Lacey leads the way..." Another example: "The sun is peaking..." Consider instead: "The sun peaks..."

Use vivid words in your action. Example: "Bridget gets up closer to her." Consider instead: "Bridget snuggles closer to her..." or "Bridget sidles closer to her..."

Avoid the words BEGINS or STARTS. Either the character is doing the action or not. Example: "Lacy starts walking and Bridge follows." Consider: Lacy walks and Bridge follows."

Proofread. The following sentence does not make sense to me. I think some words are missing. "Laccy swallows down the coughs as she pushes the canister away."

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Two young girls walk the wasteland

2 characters, 4 pages, 6 days

I likeD this. Back story is never really explained because the story focused on the two girls' interaction. Smart move. Kudos for avoiding a melodramatic ending.

Good.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is interesting, good choice.
Craft - your craft is nearly perfect. You should have a comma after LACEY, 11 as you do after BRIDGET, 8,.
Dialogue - your dialogue is good. I especially like the "I" "we" banter.
Action lines - your action lines are fine; they are clear and concise.
Story - the story left me with more questions than answers. Most of all, what event happened to put them in this situation and why were they alone? This has great potential to be expanded into a larger script.

Javier Ordonez (Level 2)

Ditch the DUSK, DAWN, and DISSOLVE TO since the description mentions sunrise/sunset anyway and using them is a sure-fire way to seem like an amateur infringing on the director's job. Also, take notice of the extra words in the script. For example, the first two paragraphs could just as easily be "LACEY (11) and BRIDGET (8) walk along a deserted road. Both are skinny, malnourished and dressed in layers of shabby clothing. They struggle to walk as the sun begins setting." with half the space and no cruft.

The story could also use some subtlety: it's fairly obvious from the beginning how the story's going to end and the script wastes a lot space trying to tease out tension from it, when it could be building character and elaborating on how Lacey's death is meaningful. In a similar vein, it would be nice if Bridget underwent some sort of personal transformation in the story to justify her change of attitude for survival. As is, she starts out unfit to survive and then walks away the same. Even though it's a short script, it would be nice to observe her explicitly mature in the face of tragedy and give a point to the story.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

"walk along a deserted road" - not "are walking"

"Look malnourished" - They are malnourished, right?

No need for "Dissolve to"

This reads close to a first draft. The dialogue and action could be written smoother.

You hinted that she was going to die on the first page, and then you confirmed it when the little girl said WE. So her death came to no surprise. I thought there should have been more to the story.

You seemed to cram a lot on the last paragraph. I get that you were trying to be cinematic, but a lot of that action could have been cut out.

I loved the concept though. If rewritten to hide Lacey's death from us until the very end, then this would be phenomenal. You would still have to hint at her dying, BUT the audience could not know why she is doing what she is doing until you reveal that she's dead.

Good job.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked your script. It's well written. Maybe you could keep all the narration in present simple - "walk" in the first sentence as opposed to "are walking".
I'd like to know a bit more, where they are going and why - otherwise it's a bit simple for my tastes. But I find it charming that Lacey knows she'll die soon and doesn't want to disclose that. A bit melodramatic for me maybe but still good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A simple and heartwrenching story. There is the lingering question about what's happened to put these young girls in such peril with no food or shelter thrusting them into the wasteland, but the answer isn't essential to feeling the emotion of their predicament.
Might tweak Bridget's dialogue a bit. Her language at times seems a little too intuitive for a young girl of only eight. Not sure that she would understand the relevance enough to correct Lacey's use of "you" to "we."

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

You have four pages for story here. If you tighten up your descriptives, you can get more into the story/ And it needs more - I want to know what their goal is. Walking just to walk doesn't make sense, and you've made it evident they have some destination in mind.

"Six days. You walk for six more days..."

So what is the destination? How do they know where to go? How did an 11 year old girl figure out how much food to eat each day? Rationing involves some calculation. You have to consider the distance, walking speed, conditions. The story is missing some important pieces of information.

The dialogue needs some work. Try reading it out loud to see how it sounds. You might try using some contractions, too.

Nice effort.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

To me this felt like a scene from something bigger instead of a stand alone piece. We end up not knowing anything about these girls, their situation or why things are the way they are. Actually we did learn that they were sisters but only at the end when you told us. How would we see that on screen??

If you don't give us any details or character depth, how are we supposed to care what happens to them?

Next time get deeper...give us more.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This is a good story.

It's very obvious from the outset that Lacey thinks she won't make it, and I think even an 8 year old would pick up on that .

Good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was well done. Nice use of foreshadowing. Good title.

It was hard for me to be inversted in the characters as there was not much room for development. I think something more poignant needed to happen between the girls before Lacy died. The beans seemed kinda cliche.

Overall, I felt that it was a bit too much like "The Road", but I like stories with this atmosphere and I enjoyed your work. Thanks.

Moldovan Alexandru (Level 3)

Good title, "Guidance" the sad thing only that the girls have none,like someone with experience an adult maybe.

The end of civilization and the start of chaos and anarchy.I think Lacey had TB or who knows what other disease because of the dust and over exhaustion.

Touching moment when Bridget cries over her sister's body and it surprised me that she had the power to go on by herself I guess they were headed somewhere safe.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

The first scene you write Day (Dusk), I've never seen formatting like this.

The story is interesting, I kept reading because I had lot's of questions. Unfortunately, I never got the answers. Where are they going? Where are the parents? Where are they coming from? Why do they need to hide at night? What's wrong with Lacey?

Good luck.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Bit too empty, just like the world in your story.
We suspect she is going to die, as you telegraphed. And she does.
No surprises.

Theres a sweet emotion here, but it never feels personal. Give them a bit more chatacter, perhaps items from their past lives. They feel so same-y now.

Well written but the plot was too simple.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

The opening scene is descriptive. Bridget and Lacy, two children, walk in a deserted road. Bridget complains about they always walk. Good illustration. I can see them as orphans.

The second part of the story tells us they are alone in the deserted road. So far, my eyes glues to the screenplay.
I guess the cough is foreshadowed throughout the screenplay. That adds more suspense on the story.

I like the tone of Bridget looking into the darkness. I’m not really sure if she is selfish or not. The ending is touching and deep. Lacy cares a lot about Bridget before caring about herself.

Some passive sentences occur as I read through. Try minimizing as much “ing” verbs as possible to make the sentences stronger. I will rate this as excellent because everything seems to fit in place. No unnecessary scenes and dialogue found.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

This was a good story. Not a lot of detail was thrown the reader's way, though. Why is the world a wasteland or why do they have to walk until night? I thought there might have been more to the story, but it just ends with the two girls and their resolution. Not a whole lot to say. I enjoyed the story and when reading it, the story moved at a decent pace. There weren't any formatting issues that I saw on this script either. Overall, this was good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Interesting story. It left me wondering just who these two girls were and what the backstory was. Are they sisters? What has happened that they are in a wasteland with no one around?

The dialogue was a little too expositionary. I also wanted to know why they have to walk for six days, what's the significance, we never found out.

Lucy dies and leaves Bridget alone to keep walking, but where is she going? what is the goal? will she reach it?

I didn't get a sense of where the story was going, or what I was expected to learn from it. Consequently I felt a little bit cheated, like you were teasing me with parts of the story, but holding back a lot of information.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

It wasn't really like you were trying to hide anything from us or surprise us at the end. It's a situation where everything I read, I had seen done before, already, and done better. I would've hoped to have seen something different, but I didn't. It was disappointing, but not a bad story. Just very flatline.

Good.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

The characters don't fit for me if they were older I think their task would've been more believable. The story was simple and straight forward which made this easy to follow. The formatting was consisent and tight.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

Didn't have much of a backstory with this one. Didn't understand the purpose of the two characters. The formatting and dialouge work.

I don't beilieve the characters should be a lot older. Just my own opinion.

Steven Gulotta (Level 3)

I enjoyed the feel of this one. Just being thrown out into a wasteland, not knowing what's going on reminds me of The Road. I also enjoyed the characters; for once, instead of focusing on an adult in the middle of some sort of bleak wasteland, the focus is on a children.

The coughing kind of gave way for the ending, especially when Lacey tells Bridget to keep the water. It spoiled the ending, for me, and I was kind of upset at that fact. I mean, it would have been better to somehow prolong that fact, but it was too obvious.

I also liked the fact the Lacey takes a sort of motherly approach to guiding Bridget, such as when she double checks to make sure she knows how much to eat, and when to walk. That also somewhat gave way, again, for the death of Lacey.

Now, my only concern is if is will be fleshed out into more of a story. I really would like to see this prolonged and also more fleshed out. It seems like it would make a good story, a'la the Road. But, without comparing to other media, I give this script a three out of five.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Seems like you took a heavy inspiration from The Road. I wish there was more of an ending. What really happens here? No typos or grammar mistakes!

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2011 10:55 AM

I really liked this one a lot. Something about the two sisters really stuck with me.

Denise Jewell (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2011 6:54 PM

I liked this as well. There is so much going on here that is unstated and really kind of sucks you in. My kind of story.