Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I liked this one.

A boy pretends to be a famous skiist, seems to have been grounded, but then the surprise twist; he's in a coma.

Bittersweet story. Not the first one on some one in a coma, but it worked for me.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Michael has a fridge in his room?

Are Michael's parents displayed on the tv?

I couldn't really get into the story. I don't see the conflict for Michael. He's happy in his imagination and he's not making an effort to regain consciousness.

Bill Sarre (Level 4)

A well written tale. I liked the gentle reveal with just a enough foreshadowing of what was to happen.

Small point but what fridge did the water come from?

I understood why he is talking to himself but towards the end it started to lose me and I wasn't sure about some of his comments.

Good story.

All the best.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

3 Characters/ 3 Pages

This was written, paced and formatted well. No errors or typos that I notcied.

The story here was okay for me although I'm not sure how interesting it'd be on film because we'd just basically be watching a boy imagine himself snowboarding the entire script. The twist was good. The glimpses of his emails and phone messages didn't make much sense logically though.

Overall, this was a pretty solid script that will probably fare pretty well. Nice work and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

I truly like the idea...I'm assuming the boy's in a coma, but he's literally stuck in his own world. That's what I took from it; if I'm completely off base then I apologize. There's a lot to like about this story. The idea for one is pretty bold. I applaud you for attempting it. Secondly, I had a pretty good chuckle at the whole, "I drink water because it feels good in my mouth."

The point where everything starts turning on by itelf required me reading it twice. When his TV turns on, does he see his parents? I wasn't sure on that part.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thinks the use of 'stands' in the first para is superfluous. It goes without saying.

Tears rolling down faces...hard to achieve and certainly cliched.

Why is mum overly tanned?

So was Michael injured in a ski-jump accident? I'm not that clear.

I liked this as a story though it seemed quite familiar as a concept.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Hmm, I kinda liked this one. Sure it was all a dream, but we find out before we got bored. Good stuff.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I truly love the idea and reveal in this story - that Michael is in a coma and we are seeing what he is imagining.

But some of those imaginings are so strange (maybe you wanted it to a bit surreal), but it just ends up feeling a bit confusing - I had to read it twice to get it all. I think if you make it all a bit more grounded in reality in the beginning (pun fully intended), it will actually work better and the pay off will have more effect.

This is really a fantastic idea and with a small rewrite it could be excellent.

Chris Setten (Level 4)

The writing was solid. It was clear with no surface errors that I could spot. The dialogue was crisp and believable. For me, there was not much of a hook but it was such a breezy read that I stayed engaged. You planted a blow line in the title so I gained context there but perhaps you could misdirect the readers somehow such as suggesting he committed some sort of anti-social act (maybe his friend is dead from a car he was driving) which is why he's been grounded only to turn out to be in a coma. The twist was pretty good and provided some good impact.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Very funny! A few lines had me laughing aloud. Also, quite touching when you think about it. The twist at the end is nice. Simple, yet casts light on the story. The title especially takes on a whole new meaning. And I really like the "universe" the writer places his story in. It's all very relevant, and ultimatally helps you understand the main character on a (for lack of a better word) deeper level. Nice work!

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I liked the visuals and the sense of pervasive, unstoppable dread that imbued pretty much every moment of the story. But there were so many loose ends. How are Arthur and Rose related to Francis? How is Francis related to Elsie? Why does Francis want to blow his brains out? What's the story behind the Braille plant leaves?

There needs to be a few more clues so that a close reading of the script will allow the reader to fit together the various pieces of the puzzle.

Still, there were several nice stylistic touches. I loved the song and the clock rewinding and the coupe dancing the same dance over and over again, that part was well done.

David M Troop (Level 4)

This one really had me fooled. I thought maybe I could get through just one script that didn't have a weird, unexplained Twighlight Zone ending. But, noooo.
Grounded starts out innocently enough with Michael playing in his room. He has been grounded, so he has to entertain himself old school - without tv or computers - you know, the way we did it in the 70's.
CLOSE UP on ROD SERLING as he stands at the bedroom door.

SERLING
Is Michael really enjoying his time out alone in his room?
Or is he trying to hold on to the innocence of his youth
while fighting for his life? In the Twigtlight Zone.

All in all, it was pretty good. The formatting was excellent, no typos, etc.
There's no holding the writer accountable for what goes on in the mind of a coma victim, so I guess an 11 year old kid would be training for the Olympics in his bedroom.
After an entire month of ghosts and people crossing over, I was looking for something more upbeat.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

So Michael is in a coma. I was expecting something else, but it was good. Took me by surprise. The structure is good, the use of white space. Good strong character. Nicely done

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Interesting. I didn't see the end coming so that was good. I was a little confused by his action because I think he would have jumped on the bed or something when he was doing his "skiing" but his inaction makes more sense knowing he was actually in a hospital bed. I didn't really get the radio, tv, computer coming on except to give me a hint to this scene not being real. And my kid doesn't have a fridge in his room, so that was a little weird to me.

Pretty well done overall.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I really loved the story. It earned a VERY GOOD from me. Here are a few suggestions.

I don't think it is necessary to have GARRISON HOUSEHOLD in the first slug line. Probably just MICHAEL'S ROOM is sufficient.

Use more descriptive words for your action. Example: "He puts on mirrored sunglasses..." Consider instead, "He slides on mirrored sunglasses..."

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - clever title, good choice.
Craft - your craft is excellent.
Dialogue - the dialogue is good. It's realistic and seems natural for these characters.
Action lines - your action lines are good, descriptive yet concise.
Story - the story is good and I like the twist. Overall this is very good!

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Hmm! What do i say??? Ummm, in short, i think it was okay, funny script, enjoyed reading it. Like any ordinary script, it's 'wow' but with the rules in mind 'no.' Did read 'six' in Michael's dialogue "number six for the young athlete" and it ends there. (Wasn't even significant, to me) Six or the number six didn't show up in the script again. Don't get me wrong, it was cool but not good in enough respective to the rules. Nice try

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Wow, the concept of this was really good, but I think the execution could have used a little more work.

For one, I don't understand the snowboard reference. Is that how he got in a coma in the first place? If it is, it's not clear. If not, it's irrelevant, and I wish you plugged in a couple more "flashes of consciousness" is what I would call them.

I did not understand some of the dialogue either. Like When Michael said "Dad and Mom. On a good day" I don't know what he was referring to. And some of the dialogue was unnecessary. Like when Michael said "What's going on?" It would have been better if he just stared at the radio in confusion.

The part that really got me was when Tommy called. Of course I didn't get it at first, but when I read the ending and then reread the script again, I absolutely loved it. It made me go "awwww" I'm assuming Tommy is a friend or brother and was talking to Michael about the band while he was in a coma. I also liked the song that briefly played. And how the electronics would briefly turn on, implying that Michael is getting flashes of consciousness.

I'll give this a VG.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This is very beautiful. I just loved the boy. I kind of knew that something is wrong and he's not really grounded but not from the very beginning.
The first and last line sounds poetic. I think it's an Excellent short you got there.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Love all the visual fodder. Young Michael "grounded" in his room and using his imagination to entertain himself. Particularly fond of a restless Michael, "...fidgets, rolls off the bed." Exactly what an 11-year-old might do. Very sweet.
Then the story takes off in a different direction and it's a bit confusing. A boombox, lap top, and tv turn on by themselves. The glow from the tv prompts Michael's comment, "Dad and Mom. On a good day." Not clear what brings Mom and Dad to mind. The jump to the hospital room is sad, but there's no explanation for how Michael got there. Why is it important that a weepy Kate Garrison is "overly tanned?"
Entertaining. Might need to be streamlined a little.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Ugh...loved this. Michael, stuck in his room but really stuck in some type of unconscious state.

I don't know what I would change. This is written very well. The dialog rang true to an 11 year old (I have one, I should know). I especially liked his sports commentary: "Let’s see if he will be both cool and awesome".

Excellent job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I was enjoying this. I don't think there needs to be a twist where he's in a coma. To me that's clichéd and doesn't make much sense given what we see happening.

You could run with this sort of "Home Alone" style idea, and even use it to say something serious about family relationships, but right now it feels like you're just trying to manipulate the emotions without earning it first.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Nice title.

I thought it odd that an 11 year old had a fridge in his room, but maybe I'm behind the times. "I drink water because it feels good in my mouth." LOL!

I liked the effect of the media overload section, but am not sure that I understood its implications - or the Dad and Mom part. The transition to the doctor's office was excellent.

You did a nice job of keeping this interesting with mostly one character, but in the end, it seems like I've seen this before - the patient living their life in their head while in a coma.

Moldovan Alexandru (Level 3)

So the kid is in the hospital and he kind of dreams that he's grounded,what kid dreams that he's grounded?There was a little bit of a dream within a dream:)) the kid is in hospital and in his dreams he dreams(with open eyes) that he won the olympics.

I don't what to say,it's a little bit of comedy and tragedy.Well if the kid's happy who says that he cannot be.

Trapped in his own world,but even there the kid has a moment of sadness when he sees a picture of his mom and dad, probably something happened to the father because he wasn't there with his son in the hospital,only the mother is mentioned.

It's not great but it's not poor either,I just don't like the idea that a kid dreams of being grounded.:)

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

The begining is a littel disjointed in places (like when he's in his room, then suddenly pulling a bottle of water from the fridge). I thought they were supposed to be flash images, where they are connected, but we skip the time between. Though once I came to that conclusion, I was not shocked by the twist, as those kinds of shots are often used for stream-of-consciousness.

I wasn't thrilled with the final scene. Being trapped in an endless cycle might just be worse than being conscious, but unable to move.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

We stay a bit too long with Michael without moving the plot forawrd. You'd be amazed how quick I got that he could do everything he wanted.

Nicely written, but bit too undirected.
Twist, although set up, feels out of place.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Right now, the actions and scene is short; the style is crisp and clean. I see no “Ing” verbs at this point.

I like the setup, where Mike pretends to “fly.” You slowly introduce new characters, which is good. While he is grounded, other kids find ways to have fun while stuck inside their rooms. By reading only the setup of the story, the storyline fits the title, “Grounded.”

How did the boom box turn itself on? I enjoy this so far. Wow, his imagination has the ability to operate appliances.

Wow, how did he end up in the hospital? I guess the Hospital change indicates that Mike is still grounded and has not changed his behavior. I’m not sure exactly what the Hospital Scene is all about.

I enjoyed the read. The scenes flow well and the dialogue is all-natural. I will rate this as very good.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

This story moved along quick. I had a few issues with it, regarding all the action that happened in the bedroom. With the laptop and tv turning on, was it just because it was in his head? I think it could have been done different with normalcy possibly working better than a lot more of the over the top moments. The story itself was fine, I was waiting for some kind of twist as to why he was in the room. Overall, this story was good and that is what I am rating it as.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

BEAUTIFUL! I think you did an excellent job with this, it was very poignant and I really loved Michael, what a great character he is. I like that you started and finished with the same line of dialogue.

Some things that were confusing, were the phone call from Tommy and how after looking at the television he said 'Mom and Dad on a good day'.

But they didn't detract from the story at all. I think this would be a very strong film, and I'd love to see you make it. It could be made on a low budget, (maybe in time for next years competition).

Nice job, I gave it an excellent, my second excellent. I'm looking forward to seeing where this one places.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

I enjoyed the story overall, even if the ending did feel a little rushed and obvious. Some of Michael talking to himself was a little forced, but I could buy into some of it. I like the down note of the story and felt it was pretty good.

Very good.

Steven Gulotta (Level 3)

Formatting is good. No complaints. Meets the criteria.

The story itself was alright. It seems just to be a kid grounded, albeit very strictly grounded. The twist at the end is a fun turn. Kind of throws off the mood of the story, from a bored kid to a dark scenario that all parents would regret.

I definitely enjoyed the very end, showing how Michael just keeps on looping through the same thing over and over. I also like how it is up to the reader to decide what is wrong with Michael. Coma? Knocked out for the moment? Some sort of disease? It's very open ended, which is something I like.

However, I can't say that this is something overly special. I enjoyed it, but not too much. It was a good read, but the beginning was boring. I give this script a three out of five.

Timothy Ugbaja (Level 2)

the number of characters and pages totalled 7 instead of 6. And six was really mentioned. Do you think phone could also be off? for an eleven year old boy, the dialog in page 2, to me, seems not to match his psychology; "I kissed her for the first time last week...". And the mention of laptop, there was no setup for the this. I can remember you mentioned PC, and you were not specific. Revisit "A tear...". The 'A' there, does it make sense?

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Sounds familiar! Can't say it's an original idea. The story kinda wanders for a page or two, there's no real story or anything going on besides this kid talking to himself. Where's the fun there?

Comments Made After the Contest

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2011 12:37 AM

I really really liked this one!!!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 12/1/2011 12:46 AM

I gave this a VG. Great work man.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2011 11:07 AM

I thought this was great Gary. I really thought you did an excellent job with a common theme.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2011 4:29 PM

Great script, Gary. I loved it too!