Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I see a great talent here. The reading was smooth. However, there is a few things you need to fix:

1- Never put too many characters in your script. Use just as much as needed. Any extra are a no-no in screenwriting.

2- The first paragraph was too big. Keep description blocks 3 lines or less.

3- Story line here had no surprises or twists.

4- There is no climax here.

Keep 'em coming, good luck.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Not sure, but it appears you are using a non-standard font. That will stick out in a pile of scripts and potentially give a Hollywood reader a reason to chuck your script. Better to just stick with the standard…

You start with a six-line action paragraph. Usually five is considered the maximum. Especially at the start, on the first page, you want some good writing to pull the reader in, not give him any excuse to chuck your script. Possibly a good idea to get into the habit of following these rules.

You should try to remove use of the verb "to be" as much as possible. And do you perhaps mean "staring into the distance" in stead of "starring off at a distance"? Also, try to limit use of verb endings -ing. If you find some one standing, make that person more active. Also, try to use more descriptive synonyms of general verbs like "to sit", "to walk", et cetera.

The introduction of Tom for example could thus become:

"TOM, 45, polishes a samurai sword and stares into the distance."

or, even better

"TOM, 45, polishes a samurai sword and scans the horizon."

Spelling mistake: it should read "Seems quiet tonight."

Disgruntal should be disgruntled. Appauled should be appalled. Spell checkers can find these for you. But don't rely on them too strongly as spell checkers don't find all mistakes.

Also, perhaps use less direction/parentheticals like the (disgruntal) or (appauled). You should only use those when they are really necessary, when you cannot figure out the meaning of the dialogue otherwise.

There are many characters and you introduce them all in one go. I could not remember them.

They are hungry, yet they seem to sit passively somewhere on a parking lot. They are not really doing a lot to get food, apart from complaining. Now I am not rooting for them to find food. I'm not liking them.

There is agitated conversation (naturally, since they are hungry), but nothing is happening.

First there is a group hiding on a parking lot, one has a samurai sword. They had enough of it and suddenly, out of nowhere, a bag full of weapons arrives? Isn't that a bit convenient?

Ew gross! Are they eating zombies in the end?

You mention the baby diapers having changed, but then you don't do anything with it. That bit isn't used later on in the story. If you create such a setup, it needs a payoff later on in the story. Otherwise don't mention it.

It felt weak because the zombies didn't seem to be much of a challenge to the group once they decided to start fighting back. It makes the group look weak. After having not eaten for days, they must be weak themselves, and yet a bag of guns lands in their lap and they manage to casually kill lots of zombies. Why didn't they do that sooner?

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Keep your action paragraphs to a maximum of four lines.

Not a lot of white space. It's a bit difficult to read.

Six characters is a lot for a five page script. It leaves very little room for character development.

The ending feels forced. I don't believe that any of the characters would risk death by dining on zombie meat. If things were desperate, I would expect them to turn to cannibalism and turn on each other.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Monster = ZOMBIE

Characters are not properly introduced. They need to be introduced in caps the first time we see them on screen, not a few paragraphs later.

There's some passive writing here. Eliminate the word 'is' from your descriptions entirely and replace with more active verbs. Typo in the 2nd paragraph (starring should be staring) and 2 more near the bottom of page 1 (appauled should be appalled and distrguntal should be disgruntled).

This could have been tightened up quite a bit. Some of the dialogue seemed a bit rigid.

The story here was okay, but some of the characters actions were illogical. A group of starving zombie apocalypse survivors decide to attack a horde of zombies despite being drastically outnumbered, they triumph then feast on the zombies with no concern given to the fact that eating infected meat could turn them as well. To be fair, this issue is addressed, but the characters seem willing to take the risk. That just doesn't strike me as being a very realistic reaction for a group that has been surviving in this apocalyptic world for weeks or months to all just collectively decide to call it quits.

The story here has potential and could be polished into a true gem. The technical aspects of this script need more work, but luckily that's the easy part.

Nice work and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Well, that was...interesting -- different take on the whole zombie story. I'll be honest, I found myself struggling to finish this one. After the first paragraph, I had already checked out. A couple of the sentences in the first paragraph could've been blended together and it reads like everything's in past tense. The script format was normal -- it was easy to follow. As for the writing, a few words were misspelled, everything felt generic, and lot of the action scenes were used with past tense verbs. As for the story itself, too many characters for my liking plus they were hard to distinguish as you continue reading it. The only character that stands out is Jake, but that's because he's opposite of everyone else.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

There are many many errors in this script. Please proofread your work before submission if you want it to be taken seriously.

It has been difficult to assess the story for this reason. It could have potential if you cleaned up your style.

Use present simple tense...stands...not present continuous...is standing

Characters should be capitalised on first introduction - don't say two men etc. then give us the names afterwards. Too many characters in a short script is not good - it's impossible to engage with so many adequately.


Seems quite tonight...quiet?

Disgruntal...disgruntled

Appauled...appalled

Tom swings out his sword a stops...and stops

Hoard...horde

Not using contractions makes your dialogue very wooden...' you have got to be kidding me'...'you've got to be kidding me'

Zombie should be capitalised when it first appears

As the camera starts panning? This is for a shooting script not a spec script.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

This would be a nice, different take on the Zombie genre, with "uninfected" eating the zombies instead of the normal genre requirement. It's a good idea, I don't see that often. Sadly, the writer had a full month to look at the submission, and notice the spelling errors and the grammar problems - most of which are easily fixed. When camera directions are given at the end of the script, it just shows the careless handling of that good twist.

On the plus side, better to have errors on a five page short script and learn to shape it up than submit a 120 beast loaded with errors. Less of a headache to fix.

David M Troop (Level 4)

"Take Out" is a zombie script that has a twist that I don't think anyone has done before.
The author poses a good question. If there are a group of survivors who survive long enough, will they eventually run out of canned or fresh food? I'm not sure, since every town I know of has a Walmart or two other competing grocery stores. But, for argument's sake, let's say that we're not in America.

Also, if the survivors begin to eat zombies, will they in turn become zombies?
Again, unchartered territory. One of the characters even states that once they begin to eat the zombies, technically they are the same.

A thinking man's zombie movie? What a concept.

Unfortunately, and I have been running into this a lot this month, there are some big problems with formatting.

Don't use action words (verbs) ending in i-n-g in your scene descriptions.
pg 1 TOM is polishing a samuri sword and starring off at a distance. (TOM polishes a samuri sword and stares off into the distance.)
BECKA is standing... (BECKA stands...) She is cradling a baby... (She cradles a baby...)
JAKE and JENNA are sitting on the ground (JAKE and JENNA sit on the ground)
I think you get the idea.

There are a few other typos.
DON: Seems quite (quiet) tonight.
pg 3 DON: 1 becomes 2. 2 becomes 3. (DON: One becomes two. Two becomes three.)
Spell out numbers in dialogue unless it is a phone number.

Overall, "Take Out" was a GOOD horror script with some very interesting ideas. Needs a stronger ending.

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

The first paragraph - needs to break it up into 4 lines. Need more white space. Using "we" I heard is a no-no. Write what we see. Action words speak volumes.

The story itself - gross - but it is for Halloween. Just make the use of more white space. I couldn't get attached to any one character since there were so many. But overall, a good story with just a few minor edits.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Okay, I really like that you "turn the tables" on the zombies. I'm like, we're not going there, really? But it actually saves and gives a unique comedic twist to a well worn storyline of the zombie apocalypse. Good Job.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A surviving group of humans are so hungry they could eat a zombie.

I liked this.
Good angle on the humans getting hungry after a zombie hoard is around.
Take out has double meaning ih this context.
A clumsy opening paragraph. Introduction of too many people in the first half of page. Don't use similar names that start with the same letter.
The story ended on an unexpected comic note.
Never felt the threat of the zombies.
Best line was the diaper line.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title is appropriate to the story but does not really tell us anything going in.
Craft - your craft is mostly good but disgruntal should be disgruntled. And (very minor point) you should have a period after fade out.
Dialogue - the dialogue seems natural for these characters but on the bottom of page two Don says: "Tom’s right. We’ve been running for way to long...." It should be "too" long.
Action lines - your action lines are good, clear and concise.
Story - The story is fine and I like the humor in it.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

Despict my reservations about eating zombies like fried food, I thought it was good. You have a glaring spelling error in your first line of dialogue. Which I'm sure others above me will have pointed out. You should also write that Don is looking through the binoculars from the carpark, not at the carpark. Sounds like he's just looking at the surface of the carpark.

You shouldn't number your first page, if you're going to use a fade out, the you should write a fade in. You shouldn't write later in the slug too.

All the best,

Javier

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

You should have just introduced them in the first place rather than telling us three men and a baby, etc...

Too many character.

"Like get some takeout" What does he mean?

"don't take long. I'm so hungry I could eat a zombie" Isn't that the plan?

It was the plan. Why did she way that?

You over explain at times, and that causes you to jumble your action into large paragraphs.

So they don't care whether or not they become infected? So why fight to live for that long? And it seemed like all of them agreed on it. I mean, I know it's supposed to be funny, but....I guess.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Interesting concept. Most movies treat zombie flesh as though it were the plague. I kind of like the idea of feeding off of the zombies. I even like the fact that there isn't a twist at the end as though the people are going to become zombies. It would make an interesting movie if the living had to feed off the undead in order to survive.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think your first paragraph could be tightened. I'm not a language expert but maybe you could combine the two last sentences into one. As in this: "The parking lot is deserted minus a few rusted vehicles with deflated tires"
You introduced 6 characters at once. I wish you did it gradually - a bit many to remember and get used to.
Somewhere along the way you almost switched genres - it went from suspense to comedy. I like the humor in the end, but too abrupt switch I think. Maybe it's just me.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

The title is intriguing. Terrific job weaving the food premise throughout. The campfire in the parking lot provides compelling images.
Characters are introduced in a fashion that helps set them apart, but still had to refer back early on to sort out who was who. Jake's dialogue is consistent. Actually isolated him and read only his dialogue; Jenna is right, Jake is an ass. Good writing.
Perhaps six (seven, counting the baby) might be a few too many people for five pages. It probably sounds picky, but three characters beginning with "J" can hinder getting involved in a story until everyone's personality surfaces.
The disgruntal (disgruntled?) and appauled (appalled?) wrylies aren't needed as both Jake and Jenna's tones are perfectly clear. Not a fan of addressing the reader with "we."

Lewayne White (Level 4)

One of the more gruesome pieces I've read for this month's MP.
I'd recommend dropping passive "is standing," "is holding," for the active versions- stands holds, etc.
And phrases like "...and now shows the true presence of a bad ass." don't add much except letters. "Show" me he's a bad ass via action.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I think this would have been better with less named characters. You can have extras in the camp without naming them. With a short SP it's best to keep characters at a minimum because its hard to keep up with who is who. Also, I wasn't sure who the main character was and it's important to connect with at least one character. Someone to root for.

The story itself was okay. I think more vivid characters would have made it stand out more.

Your writing needs to be polished. And you ended with a camera direction. Why? If you describe the scene well it will read like a camera direction. Just takes practice. Keep writing.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the tensions among the survivors. That can be more scary than actual monsters.

"(disgruntal)" and "(appauled)" are misspelled, and, more importantly, are unnecessary. The dialogue and the situation tells us enough about how the characters speak, the rest will be down to the actors' and the director's interpretation.

Your dialogue sounds too formal for the situation. Most characters would abbreviate "there is" to "there's", "we have got to" to "we've got to", and so on.

Don's reasoning, "Then it really doesn’t matter does it?", doesn't make any sense to me. For the ending to work, you need to really establish how desperate the situation is.

For the insane ending alone, this gets a good from me.

Michael Berg (Level 3)

The first thing I noticed was you have too much description in the first paragraph and I'll be curious to see if it's all revelant. Do we need to know about random rusty vehicles?
Don - Seems quiet (not quite) tonight. Oops! :)

Page 3 swings out sword AND stops Jake.

Don expositions on the bottom of page 3. People don't talk like that.

I would review your narrative and see if you can both slim it down and make it more cinematic. Also you have lot of people "start" something. It's more action oriented if they are just doing it, instead of starting to do it.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

As I was reading this I thought it didn't really add that much to the zombieverse. But the ending, with them eating the zombies, I thought that was pretty fresh and new. I think this script would have been better if you started with them eating the zombies and explored that, rather than just ended with it because by the time I got there -- I was kind of bored.

Also be careful about using characters with the same first initial because it's confusing. Two would be confusing enough and should only be used if you have a good reason. With three characters using the same first initial, you're really pushing it.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was well written and entertaining.

Even though there were a lot of characters, you did a good job of making each one distinguished. The dialog seemed realistic.

I think there is a typo on page one: (disgruntal) should be (disgrunted) or (disgruntalty)?

I like how you develop the tension on page two, with the argument, the sword, then the baby crying. This tension primes us nicely for the coming battle.

This is good payback for zombies always eating us, though I think the ending would be more effective if you somehow establish in the beginning that it is considered unacceptable or undesireable to eat zombie flesh. It didn't dawn on me until afterward that this would be disgusting (but this might just be me as I am not up on zombie lore).

Nice play on words in the title.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

The writer can obviously see this very clearly as a 'film' in their imagination which is a good thing, however the writing needsto be more succinct with fewer action lines, many of which are extraneous for a script.

For example the opening paragraph could be cut down to:

'Deserted except for a few old cars. Behind some garbage containers are TOM, 45, polishes a samurai sword. BECKA, 37, stands by a campfire. She cradles a baby.' etc

You don't need to tell us there are so many men and women and then introduce them all individually. Although to have six characters introduced at once is too much. If you are going to have that many in a five page short they need to be introduced in smaller sections.

The dialogue is a little on the nose (unnatural) and each character sounds like the next, there are no different speech patterns or quirks to differentiate them.

Several spelling mistakes throughout such as:

quite/quiet
disgruntal/disgruntled
appauled/appalled
etc

An interesting take on the zombie genre - ew!!

Keep at it.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

The homeless folks are so hungry they can eat a zombie or two. Did they puree zombie flesh to make some baby food? lol
Not bad. But please exclude all camera directions. The dialogue needs work.

There are some questions. Where did zombies come from? What's their story? What's going on here besides killing a few and making a kabob? Who are these homeless people? Why do you have 3 men and 2 women, why not 4 men and 1 woman? My point is every character has to have his "place" in a script, a purpose.

I like your style, it's humorous. Keep writing.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

WOW for such badly formatted and ill paced script, this thing has quite the ending.
Gut punched me there man. Kudos on that.

BUT, yeah, it's not in proper format. Long paragraphs and such.
The pacing is off too, and I guess you have way too many characters.

You could make the whole thing a lot more tense, without going all gung ho on those zombies. Flame throwers? Really?

Ending was strong though. "Then does it really matter?" Nice going on that.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Good!

A few complaints, don't write numbers in dialogue. Spell them out. They need to be spelled out so that the dialogue will still come close to the 1 page per minute of film thing. At least that's what I've been told and that writing numbers is also lazy writing. There were a couple of typos, but I don't really care about that. Just thought I should point it out.

Try to keep paragraphs to four lines or less...

Other than that I thought the story was pretty good and worked well.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

Always limit the description to five or four. It makes more white space. The opening scene is visual. I can see that Tom is the main character.
I feel that adding too many characters can add weight on a screenplay. Try minimizing characterization, and maybe things will go smoother.
Your dialogue is crisp and real.

I like sword-fighting movies. Sword movies like yours add action to the movie. I am assuming this is an Action/Adventure movie.

You can trim the sentences by making it active. The scenes go together with the rest of the story so far. Instead of saying, “There is a noise off in the distance that catches Jenna’s attention,” you can say, “A noise in distance grabs Jenny’s attention.”
I see some action, but no action so far.

“I’m so hungry I can eat a Zombie.” Now that one is funny.

The way you write the screenplay makes the script novelistic. You can remove some of the “then” words and add more action in the sentences.

The ending was a bit funny. I enjoyed the read. The screenplay is straightforward. The sequences of events were in place.

Ryan Lee (Level 3)

Loads of typos throughout this. Too many to count, but some that stuck out were "disgruntal" and "appauled." You intro six characters in the span of six sentences, and not a single physical description for any of them.

The only novelty of the script would be humans eating zombies, and it's not a bad idea. But, I think you should have gone for all out humor if your going to base your entire script around this one concept.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Ugh, eating rotting flesh? Isn't that what zombies are. I have a hard time with zombie movies, and this genre. But as to your story. I think you have a few too many characters at the beginning my head was spinning trying to keep up. Maybe consider cutting out a few.

I thought Jake was a bit over the top. Maybe I'd be that way if I was starving and trying to survive, but he just seemed a little one note angry, for the sake of being angry, and he was rude.

I think that roasting zombies will be something that the MP people will love though. And the title is really cute and of course has a double meaning. I hope it does well.



I gave you a good, even though I still don't like zombies at all.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

Well, this one was very poorly written overall. The action lines were long and made it feel like I was reading a novel. When you switched to dialogue, it was incredibly weak... except for the last two lines. I actually enjoyed them. The characters were just completely annoying and overblown.

Anyway, there's not much else to say about this script. It was a really difficult read to get through and, with the exception of two lines of dialogue, was just bad.

Poor.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

The dialouge here wasn't very good. The characters didn't have much to them and with a story that could've been better. Liked how the humans are the hunters though.

Timothy Ugbaja (Level 2)

This is so wonderful. The job was boring in the beginning but interesting from page 2. I think it will be better to make the hook stronger in page one to entice the reader. It seems you forgot that past tense is not used for scriptwriting. Also present continuos tense is not the script language. The first sentence of the action lines seems to be the establishment scene, but i think the character description comes up, i suppose, without telling us the population. Always follow the characters and their description as their actions follow. there must be another way of describing the picture you have in mind.
Always try to read and reread you jobs before publishing it, making sure that it really described the pictures you have in mind. Also do not assume that your reader will know the characters' sex by their names. mention it because you are alone in that world. we are only knowing it fromyou.
Consider the clause 'baby cries' instead of 'the baby starts crying'. /this is the different between scriptwriting and other kinds of writing. Again, there is no setup about the 'binocular' as mentioned by Jake. Who among them wares or has the binocula? Always remeber setup before paying off.
Avoid using director's language (6).

Comments Made After the Contest

Douglas Farra (Level 2) ~ 11/1/2011 2:05 AM

I appreciate all the feedback. This being only the second thing I have ever written. I noticed the common critiques and will address those in the future, thank you.