Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Very vivid description at the start of the script!

The German way of saying "yes" is more something like "ja" or "yah" or something.

Perfectly written. You hook me in from the start, make me want to know what happened to Smith, then you go into flashback in a fluent way.

Smith's arm falls off, creating a hilarious effect. Your story has a moody atmosphere but it isn't scary, more funny.

Very funny until the end! Humpen succeeds but Smith isn't happy about it. A very slapstick-y story. Loved it!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Great opening with the lightning at the cemetery.

It's a funny skit but it doesn't feel like a full story. It's one gag after another. It is entertaining though.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Monster = ZOMBIE, MUMMY, VAMPIRE, GHOST

This is written, paced and formatted well. No errors or problems that I noticed.

The script is a clever usage of all 4 of the monster elements in this month's theme, but that aside, I felt like the story itself was a little thin. Smith dies, brought back as zombie, falls apart, made into mummy, falls apart again, made into vampire, destroyed in sunlight, resurrected as a ghost, the end. It was somewhat illogical how Humpen had the ability to do all this but was such a bumbling fool that he couldn't ever do any of it correctly. The ghost punchline was kinda ho hum for me so the lack of a climax or strong ending brought this script down a bit for me.

Some of the dialogue felt a little bit rigid.

I don't love the title either. This script would be better suited for something more clever.

Overall, this is a well written script that could just use a little polish in terms of story, specifically a stronger ending. Nice work & good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

*APPLAUD* That was pretty funny; I really enjoyed reading that one. Good opening scene. Funny character interaction. Script format was nice and clean -- it had a nice flow to it. I did notice that you're missing a comma in one of the dialogues, but that's really the only thing that I could find grammar-wise. As for the story, this was one of the best one's this month. Great job, again.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Hmmmm...German for shit...

Use of ?! after dialogue isn't necessary! It's what a teenage girly uses in a diary...I'm assuming you're not a teenage girly?

This was great fun and well-written.

Bravo!

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

It was interestung when it started, but as the script progressed, you kind of lost me. It is a daring attempt to have a character forfill, in some way "the requirement" of the challenge where he is zombie (or, more like Frankenstien's monster as Humpen loosely fills the role of Doctor Frankenstien), a 'mummy' (although he really isn't) a vampire (the best of ideas never capitialized on) and finally, a ghost. Because the character is scientifically (or, in the last one, supernaturally) changed from one to the other, it is almost as if the writer can't make up his/her mind of what Smith is becoming. Why Humpen gets sunlight on Smith is a mystery; and, technically, Smith, at best, would only half-dissolve into dust, he is half a vampire.

In other tales, a half-vampire might be considered a ghoul. Still, the bat-fang sticking out of his mouth and the mutation is a outstanding visual. For me, however, this one scene can't lift the script out of being average.

David M Troop (Level 4)

ACHTUNG! My new favorite character name in now HUMPEN!

Creating the character of Awnhist N. Humpen (Why not I. B. Humpen?) gives "Scheisse" an automatic GOOD from me. I'm still trying to sound out Awnhist N. Humpen. I'm sure it will be hilarious when I get it.

"Scheisse" is a very silly script but also very funny. It brings to mind Monty Python's Flying Circus with John Cleese as Humpen and Michael Palin as Smith.

The jokes are good. LOL many times.
pg 1 You accidentally kill 43 people and suddenly you can't be a doctor anymore.
pg 2 No, Mr. Smith, you are not dead and this is not Heaven. This is not even Iowa. (Mike?)
It's okay, I can fix that.
And of course, "Scheisse!"

There were no major problems with formatting, which made this an even more enjoyable, easy read.

Overall I thought "Scheisse" was VERY GOOD!
Could be in the top 5.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I think I know whose this is! If not I will be surprised!

It is really great the way you used all the Undead characters.

I liked the fade in and and fade out.

I think the first wryly was unessasary. (interrupting).

Really funny and quick! Good luck!

Debra Johnson (Level 3)

Very funny. I enjoyed the story very much. Your structure was good and so was your use of white space. I'm not too sure of the FADE OUT/FADE IN's between scenes. I know what you mean when using them. Like Smith passing out and waking up again. Hmm, perhaps using scene headings to describe them instead.

Overall I totally enjoyed the script!

Douglas Farra (Level 2)

Well that was definitely different and kind of comical. I liked the story in the beggining and it spurred some other plots in my mind that would have made it a lot more interesting, to me. I do like its originality and the fact that everything flowed smoothly. I am also sure you probably have an audience that you are capturing, so that is definitely good too.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Speaking a smidgen of Deutsch, I already laugh at the title.

This was full of laughs, and twists through the challenge nicely, with zombie to mummy to vampire, and finally ghost. A nice comedic diversion. Good job, very unique I might add.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A man killed in a car crash is revived by a well meaning scientist

Very well done comic scenario, This would be hilarious if done by Tim Conway on the old Carol Burnett Show. I don't know what the title word means (don't like looking words up whilst reading) but it seems very fitting. The first line could have been written as yah. yah. YAH.

Thanks for the story.

Excellent.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Title - the title doesn't tell us anything about the story or even the genre.
Craft - your craft is mostly good but you are missing the fade in at the beginning (how can you fade out if you didn't fade in?). Also, your fade ins in the story need to be on the left and fade outs have a period after them not a colon.
Dialogue - the dialogue is good and I like the humor.
Action lines - the action lines are fine, everything is clear.
Story - I like the story and in particular, the humor.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

HEY! Your castle laboratory is exactly how I pictured MY SCENE! (I just wish my descriptions were as crisp as yours...)

I KNEW IT! Only half way in and I love the concept. Very clever.

That was really good. I enjoyed that. It seems as though the comedies are taking over this month. Great job. I'm giving this an excellent.

Kenneth Hurd (Level 4)

That's pretty funny. I liked how you used every form of undead you possibly could in this script. My only recommendation would be that I found Mr. Smith's reactions a little bit too unbelievable at times. If I awoke in a strange place after a car accident, my first thought wouldn't be "am I dead?" I just figured that he would have been a bit more panicked after waking up. Also, I think it could have helped if Mr. Smith had tried to escape only to have something happen which made him turn into something else. As the script is, it's kinda a bit predictable once you know the trick you're going for, since the actions happen just one after another. I think it could be a much more entertaining script if the stakes are raised and the transformations are a result of something more than the doctor just experimenting.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Haha, this is very funny. I don't know how it would do as a stand alone short but I'm sure it will do well in the competition. You used all four characters and used them well. I wonder what he meant when he said "sheisse". So he killed "accidentally 43 people" and couldn't become a doctor? - very funny.
Anyway very funny and this sheisse word is funny. And the way he talks - very nice dialog. I loved it. In fact I'm thinking it will come first. And if not, it deserves to come first. I'm favoriting it as soon as it's out.

Perfect Halloween short, I think. I just loved it...

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Really funny stuff. What a hoot!
Easy to picture the eccentric P.A. Awnhist N. Humpen. Clever character name. Mr. Smith's common and simple name, plus his ongoing panic, provides good contrast.
Lots of terrific dialogue. Two particular favorites are Humpen's indignation to Mr. Smith, "No, (comma) I am not a doctor! You accidentally kill 43 people and suddenly you can't be a doctor anymore"; and, "...this is not heaven. This is not even Iowa." Catchy dialogue can sometimes overpower the visual aspects of a story. Not the case here. Lots of visual fodder accompanies the humorous dialogue and it's captivating.
Ordinarily, Humpen addressing "Mr. Smith" as often as he does might elicit some criticism. In Humpen's case, it comes across as a vital part of his personality. The three FADE OUT and FADE INs are not distracting, but actually seem like the best choice to explain Mr. Smith losing consciousness and regaining consciousness. Terrific mental pictures.
Original and fun story, and the title is a perfect choice. Thanks for the chuckles.
Excellent.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was funny. I think you hit on every character in the challenge. Nice visuals with clever and funny dialog. Entertaining. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was funny.

This strikes an awkward balance between horror and comedy, especially at the beginning, where we're not so sure what we're watching. I like the idea of the body parts dropping off (although Monty Python got there first), but I'm not too sure about him coming back as a different creature each time, that's a bit too much.

Good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This was pretty funny. Humpen cracked me up. Really great dialog.

I think you did a good jog including so many monsters without it being too forced. The fade ins and outs were used to good effect.

Great ending - with the POOF! LOL!

This was a fun read. Thanks.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

great fun!! I wonder how many comedy entries there will be. This really made me chuckle more and more with every 'scheisse'.

Very well done.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Keeps going, which is fun. Love the running jokes and the repeated dialogue. Not feeling the stereotypes, you could have done a bit more with them. Also, the name really doesn't SOUND german at all, more Scandinavian or something.

I like the dynamic, but at the end of the day it is just a sketch.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Thank you for a Very Good read. I really enjoyed this one. I liked how you mixed and matched the different "monsters".

I don't have any suggestions since I liked the story as is and the writing itself was top notch. :)

Reginald McGhee (Level 0)

I can see by the first page that this is a Mystery and Suspense type screenplay. I like how this is going with Mr. Smith not knowing where he is and what’s going on.
Right now, the sequence of events flows well, lean and clean. It is dramatic too.
Scheisse! His arm dislocates! Ah!

This movie is hilarious and I’m enjoying it. I have not found any grammar errors nor problems on format so far. You keep me glued to the story. That’s what I expect from a screenwriter.

Something is always wrong with Mr. Smith! He still fail to realize what is going on, even through the flashback.

Humpen thinks he’s a transformation chamber.

Up to this point, I notice that Humpen’s dialogue is a little silted. I’m not sure if he has a different ancestor.

Poor Smith. The cruel Humpen had to kill the vampire. I find this to be one of the funniest screenplays I read on Movie Poet so far.

Overall, your writing is brilliant. The characters and action is realistic, and you only had two characters in the screenplay, keeping things simple. I like the ending as well as the beginning. You make a good storyteller.

I'm not really sure what the title represents. I think you should title it "Dr. Discombobulated," or something like that.

Ryan Lee (Level 3)

Love the title. Well, you definitely found a way to get all the undead characters in there, so well done on that. Not too much in the way of a story, though, This read much more like an SNL skit. I think the ending could have been stronger, but this was pretty funny overall.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This was really fun. I loved it. You took the assignment to whole 'nuther' level. What a fun story, it was so clever, visual and even though you'd need a lot of special effects, in the right hands, this would be a very fun, memorable short film.

Great comedy, good dialogue, good strong characters and a laugh on every page. Nice work. I think this will be the top of the top this month. I hope so anyway!!

I don't know what Scheisse means, but I'll look it up after I finish reviewing these scripts.

Excellent.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

This was equally clever and funny on the writers part. I enjoyed the slapstick given that this story needed it.

The formatting was tight which made this read a easy one.

I had fun reading this and wished it could keep going.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

This was a funny yet familiar story. I liked the flashback scene early on. Normally flashbacks are frowned upon however I liked it. Humpen is a pure idiot and it works for this comedy. Would've like to see more. Keep it up.

Steven Gulotta (Level 3)

It is a comical story, but not a great one. Never did I really feel as if I should keep on reading. I was not drawn in, by any way, and the crazy scientist was way too much of a stereotype. German. Crazy. White hair. Smith was also stale, in his own way. Waking up, not knowing what's going on; typical. It moved way too fast, even for five pages, and every other page I knew what was going to happen (hint: syringe). There was nothing really for me to anticipate.

The dialogue was not necessarily grand, either. There did not seem to be anything that really classified the character's into their own persona. The only difference was that one character used the word "Scheisse" and the other used "shit." All in all, I really did not have that much of a good time reading through it. But, since I am optimistic when reading scripts, I will say that with a little more originality, this could've turned out for the better.

I see the sense of humor that this man is trying to evoke. However, it just fails. It seems as if this is written for a child, but the profanity, German or not, is not suited for children. It's bent on either side, but this person has not really identified an audience for himself. I can't say whether he wanted to write something for adults or children, or perhaps hit the middle mark with teenagers.

So, out of a ten, I would have to give this a four. I did not enjoy reading it, but managed to get through it. The characters are somewhat bitter and stereotypical, and the audience is not easily identifiable. "Scheisse" may appeal to someone else, but, as for me, I find nothing that great about it.

Thomas Milewsky (Level 1)

Interesting story, I went into expecting a horror script, but came out realizing it was a hybrid? Horror-comedy? I liked the repetitive nature of every time he came back to life, it gave it a sense of familiarity. However I felt that some additional build up was needed. If hes not in Iowa, where is he? Why is there a castle next to a grave yard? All in all, I thought it was a fun script to read, but a difficult film to picture.

Timothy Ugbaja (Level 2)

I really appreciate you great work. You have the pictures down as you really imagined. Though there are few things I have to mention. I know they may be out of carelessness, but always be careful. Read and re-read your scripts. This will help you.
Using flashback, you do not state with the scene heading; even in bracket. Remember it is being written as FLASHBACK BEGIN, which is before the scene heading so as to know that it is a flash back. And use FLASHBACK END to stop it.
There is nothing like PRESENT being bracketed in the any scene heading. Please, you have a very nice work but always avoid these.
FADE IN is used to begin a work while FADE OUT is used to end the entire script. In the transition, use cut to or other transition type you may like to use. Always avoid using FADE IN and FADE OUT in the middle of your work.
And you did not default much on this but always be mindful of it: 'ing's. This is very important.

Comments Made After the Contest

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 12:18 AM

I thought this was really great!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2011 12:22 AM

What the heck? This was one that I thought would be in the top three for sure! Congrats on the HM. I loved this!!! Well done.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 12:31 AM

I agree with Sally. Congrats on the HM.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2011 1:07 AM

I loved this too. Excellent first entry. Real great work here.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 11/1/2011 2:24 AM

How come this one didn't rate first or thrid? I really liked this screenplay. The central theme where the creator tried to fix things up is what makes the story funny. It is very original in my opinion.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2011 2:56 AM

Or second?

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2011 4:46 AM

Hilarious! and it takes a lot to tickle my funny bone. Congrats on the HM.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2011 3:50 PM

Thank you everyone for your kind comments.

I appreciate all of the constructive criticism and please don't take my criticism too harshly. I'm a little rough around the edges but I mean well.

This is the second script I've ever written so I guess I'm doing something right.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/11/2011 9:23 AM

Congratulations on the Honorable Mention. I really liked this a lot - such a clever use of the undead.

I can't believe this is only your second script and first MP entry. You have real talent and I hope we get to read more of your entries.