Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

You shoud have warned reviewers not to read this during the night alone. That was a great script. It grabbed my attention and never let go. But the major flaws here are:

1- The strucrure is a mess. You need to water down your first ten pages. Intensify the opening with Amy flashback. You need to read a couple of articles about script structure. You need to make the entry point for your secend act clearer (Fischer realizing the demons are telling the truth) and for your third act (Fischer realizing seraph is trying to help. Your middle point is not clear also (The gremlin).

2- Character: I didnt relate to the character. You need to fix this problem. Also Fischer didnt change alot throughout the script.

3- There is no stakes established during the first half of the script. Why we should care about Fischer solving this puzzle?

4- The end is weaker then this story deserves. Make a better one.

5- You made us excited about something, then it didnt payoff. Im talking about the Ouija board scene. It was brilliant it scared the hell outta me for some reason. However, the fact that Fischer was talking to his own ghost didnt payoff later which was disappointing.

6- 104 is too short. The script needs more flesh on its bones.

This a winning script, don't get me wrong. It just needs a couple of rewrites. When its perfect studios will fight for it.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

Again, I love this opening. I love the drinking of the entrails water. If people aren't completely engrossed by page 3 of this script than nothing will entertain them.

Love the duck and the card bursting into flames.

"Dried milk, cold cereal, pasta, soda." No wonder he's seeing demons. Somebody get this guy a vegetable, STAT!

"Worse. It’s a Republican." LMAO

"This looks like the worst Iron Chef episode ever." LOL!!

"Ask if she wants a good time with Fisch the fish!" LOL

"Fischer BARKS back at the dog, enraged." LOL

MINOR ISSUES:
I think "Mister" should be "Mr." throughout... it's weird seeing "Mister" in a screenplay set in modern times.
On p35, you switched to YOUNG FISCHER on the tape. You just called him FISCHER before. If we don't see him, we wouldn't know he is young, unless he is REALLY young.
"When I was fifteen my sister and me got out an old Ouija board..." This should be a flashback in my opinion. Or cut it way down if it is staying as dialogue.

Otherwise I LOVE this script. It's brilliant. I really hope I get to see this movie. EXCELLENT. Bravo!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

I'm going to preface my comments with the page number.

2) That's a quick acting pill. Only took seconds for the hallucinations to disappear.

2) The thumbs up to Bierce feels corny. Who answers an officer with a thumbs up?

9) Why does Fischer have a pistol for his trek to the mailbox?

10) Why does the DUCK card burst into flames? Fischer took his pills so he shouldn't be having hallucinations.

24) The hallucinations are losing their effect. They are so commonplace that I'm skipping over them because it doesn't progress the story. I know Fisch is crazy and seeing things. You've sold me on that.

24 - 30) I like the steel mill. It's dark and mysterious and supports your tone.

31) Very tense scene with Amy in the backseat. I like it.

37-39) I like the mystery behind Amy. It's making me want to read more and find out what's behind the green curtain.

42) I like the science behind visible breath. I feel like I'm learning something.

50) I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say that Fischer is the one writing notes to himself. He too has a split personality. [NOTE: guess I was wrong.]

54) Fischer shrugged off the vines and demonic statue with a wink and a whistle, but now slimy hands and locusts are besting him? It's inconsistent.

55) "He leaps to him feet". I think you meant "his feet".

58) You're relying a bit to much on "Beat". Let the director and actors work out the pauses. All "Beat" does is take up space.

60) "You sister". Typo.

62) I was hoping the coaster would take its time to make contact and zip to "YES". It's a good opportunity for suspense.

65) Remove the "Pause." line.

73) "He looks at his shelves, full of long-forgotten arcana". This doesn't tell me much. A straightforward description would help.

75) "But I can put him in your power." I don't understand this line. I need to know what Seraph is offering Fisch.

77) You might want an insert shot of the cola label. Let Fischer's fingers scroll to a stop at the caffeine amount.

78) I take it the back door was unlocked?

78) Nice use of the doorway curtain. Keeping Gremlin in shadows is suspenseful.

97) "Fischer dives for cover as Gremlin unloads the gun into the
stove and counter tops." I don't understand this strategy. Fisch turns on the stove burners to serve as a decoy? A burning stove is...a decoy?

100) Who's the COP?

I like your story. It's very suspenseful and I found myself reading faster to find out what happens next.

That said, your script is a bit difficult to read due to the science jargon, beats, and pauses. I had to peruse the dictionary several times. Granted my vocabulary could use improvement, but frequent trips to dictionary.com does interrupt my train of thought.

Fischer is a deep character, but Bierce doesn't quite balance him out. She's the token love interest that helps the lonely protagonist to his feet. She also serves to be either captured or killed, thus raising the stakes.

My only suggestion is to add another character to the mix. A friend or acquaintance of Fischer. Someone to balance out Fisch's time with Bierce. Another life to put in harms way. Agent Harrow perhaps? They have history and it's a natural fit. Harrow can be a bit of comic relief or a source of information.

Overall, I'm giving this a VERY GOOD.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was well written and paced. Nice and tight.

I don't love the title.

Formatting was fine. A bit of passive writing, but it flowed so well, it was hardly noticed.

I only noticed 1 typo and it was way towards the end, around page 100 or 101.

Of the 6 scripts I've read so far, this has been my favorite. Did you really write it in 11 days? Impressive. I think you'll be in the Top 3 for sure.

I do not like the name Bierce for a female. For reasons I can't pinpoint, it has a very masculine conotation for me.

The story is complex with plenty of subplots. In fact, it was close to being too complex in that it was hard to make sense of. Fischer studied Amy, who was possessed by a demon and then killed herself and others. Fischer also died temporarily, releasing his own ghost, which then came back in the form of the Amy/Serapth to warn him about Bierce being in danger, and then as Serapth/Bierce to warn him of some nutjob plotting an anthrax attack?

I thought this was a really well written script. I felt the story could use a little more focus and Bierce could use a name change. Overall, really nice work. Good job & good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Interesting and quite different. I must say I was not expecting that kind of story. I would love to see this visually, because the imagination required to make this story a reality would have to be off the charts. The way you describe Fischer's everyday world are just things I never would've thought -- plants growing tentacles, spiders climbing out of pill bottles, houses moaning, dead people, etc. -- it really took me to another world.

As for the story as a whole, it was entertaining and quite vivid, but there were some points that left me scratching my head. I'm still not clear on Seraph's motives? Maybe it's my reading comprehension, but I never really quite got a grasp of what he was going for. He did have the whole Hannibal Lecter thing going for him -- more teacher than villian -- but I must've missed something. As for the physical Antagonist, the Gremlin, was he part of Fischer's imagination, or was he a human being that Fischer had manifested into this gremlin? I was waiting to see what the gremlin actually was but I was left hanging -- maybe that was the point.

As for the "romantic" relationship between Bierce and Fischer, I just really didn't get a feel for it, and I felt like her death was rushed -- pretty predictable. I guess the character Bierce as a whole just felt incomplete for me. I never got a real idea of what she was like in my head. To me, it felt like she was more there to develop Fischer's character than make her presence know.

It felt like a lot scenes were dialogues talking about the past, another character, and forth that made my interest wander a few times. And the final third of the script was a bit confusing -- I missed the whole point with the flower. He see's this flower and talks to Bierce's ghost then everything clicks for him -- so, I'm a bit fuzzy there. Overall, there are a lot of interesting points maybe I need to read it again, but it was a good story.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Great job on finishing a feature at all, (I know what it takes) even greater job on finishing one of such a high standard.

From the opening few lines, I just KNOW this is going to be brilliant - professional and gripping. It doesn't take long to realise.

There are a few notes below, written as I read.

P2 - How do we know that the second scene is in the present?

P3 - Valjean? Les Miserables?

P 59 I'm thinking that Bierce's speech is too long? Needs breaking up?

P 84 Great scene...BOOM!

P 86 You don't tell us which voice BIERCE/SERAPH uses

Hmmm...I'm beginning to get a bit weary of all the spiders/creatures/weird happenings...while effective, there are, in my opinion, just too many of these scenes. It doesn't develop, I don't think...I'm guessing that visually it will be strong, though...

The end...didn't understand. Feel I'm being stupid.

A few days later - I've read this again and again. I don't think I'm that stupid but I am struggling to understand. It made more sense when I referred back to the log line - but shouldn't the screenplay itself be sufficient? While I don't like to be spoon-fed, DO like intelligent screenplays where I'm made to think...I'm fearing that I'm left with too many unanswered questions.

That said, this was brilliantly written in every way - just...perhaps needed more clarity? OR I'm not clever enough for it?

It was imaginative, chilling, thought-provoking. I particularly liked the relationship between Bierce and Fischer.

David Birch (Level 5)

STORY: "The Reductionist" biggest problem is that is suffers from multiple personality disorder. It doesn't know if it's "Ghostbusters", "The Sixth Sense", "The Mentalist", "24", "The Exorcist"...and on and on. We meet FISCHER as he is attempting to do what the police are not able to do (track down a missing girl). Then the local sheriff, BIERCE, barges in, supposedly to arrest him for being a fraud. Not long after that, they're crackin' beers together and not long after that they jump into bed together. Huh. But, I digress. Because before that FISCHER's called to assist at a crime scene at an abandoned STEEL MILL that was used to slaughter a pig. They find that the pig has been booby trapped with a land mine and instead of immediately calling in the bomb squad, FISCHER AND BIERCE decide to TAKE A CRACK AT IT...why not?...what's to loose?...All throughout the story we see that FISCHER is tormented by a "spirit" named SERAPH, who seems to possess everyone FISHER has a relationship with. We don't know the origin of this being, but it seems to focus it's energy on FISCHER. Here's where I have a major complaint with the story. While we're led to believe that the FISCHER/SERAPH battle is going to dominate the narrative, we find out on PAGE 54 THE REAL ANTAGONIST IS SOMEONE (or something) NAMED GREMLIN. Now, we're 54 pages into the screenplay and NOW we're supposed to figure out how the two stories are going to merge (and, of course, they never do). GREMLIN is some kind of bio-terrorist that seems to enjoy mutilating animals and has hatched a scheme to use wild birds to spread the anthrax virus. Here's where "The Reductionist" goes off the rails...why would the GREMLIN store his birds inside a house BUT STORE THE ANTHRAX VIRUS IN A REFRIGERATOR?...Here's where all the "why" questions come in...why wasn't Homeland Security notified when the anthrax was discovered? Why does GREMLIN want to use birds to spread the virus knowing that they certainly would die from exposure long before they would ever go very far carrying that deadly payload? Why does FISCHER "IGNORE" GREMLIN when he first appears? These are questions that will have to be addressed in any further drafts for a reader to get a clear sense of where you are trying to take him/her.

WRITING: Here's where I'm going to sing your praises. Thank you for a clean read using a sparse number of adverbs, writing in the active voice, and not writing in a "self-aware" or "garrulous" fashion. There were a few minor transgressions...pg. 39 OFFICER DRYFUSS...ready to retire...HOW DO WE KNOW THAT?...character descriptions should only include things we can see. Pg. 32..."out of twelve digits.." the way it's written there's only 11 (6408, 891, 3318)...pg. 67 "when he (SERAPH) figured out I was killing him."...if he (FISCHER) is killing him, HOW THE HELL DOES HE REAPPEAR LATER?...FISCHER's gun slinking along the floor to AMY is a real stretch...pg. 80 GREMLIN has (O.S) in some of his CHARACTER SLUGS and it's omitted on some (withing the same conversation)...that's puzzling...Pronouns are overused and tend to have the reader turning back the page to see who "he" is pg. 97 "Fischer kicks Gremlin back against the cage. He hurls himself out of the window."...who's he? Gremlin? Fischer?...Better would be "Fishcer hurls himself THROUGH the window."...most of these mentions are of the minor category, but they would make the read even better.

IN CONCLUSION: While the "Reductionist" suffers from genre fatigue, it's an easy read and most of the problems can be easily fleshed out in subsequent drafts.

___________________EXCELLENT_____GOOD_____FAIR_____NEEDS_WORK
STORY PREMISE__________________________X_____________________
CHARACTERS_____________________________X_____________________
WRITING______________________X_______________________________
STRUCTURE______________________________________________X_____
DIALOG____________________________X__________________________
COMMERCIAL APPEAL______________________X_____________________

OVERALL
STORY: CONSIDER
WRITING: RECOMMEND/CONSIDER

David M Troop (Level 4)

"The Reductionist" is a psycho-paranormal detective drama that walks a thin line between reality and the drug induced world of the protagonist Aaron Fischer.

Fischer assists the FBI on missing persons cases, but has a difficult time determining between reality and hallucinations. I like to see heroes who have flaws, but this guy has got some major issues. Fischer's "reality" is inhabited by ghosts, demons, talking animal carcasses, exploding glassware, and bleeding appliances. The only way to control his mind is by popping some home-made drugs every couple of minutes.

A few years back, Fischer was part of a team that explored the psychic abilities of their subject Amy. They found her psychic powers became enhanced after given a drug.
But, then an entity posessed Amy and began predicting tragedies right and left.
After a failed attept to excorcise the entity, Amy shoots the research team and herself. Fischer survives his wounds and becomes a recluse.

Now, it seems that Amy is trying to contact Fischer from the dead to warn him of a plot to kill millions of people. First, he has to convince the police and Sheriff Mo Bierce that he is not crazy. Not an easy task.

I liked that Fischer was seriously damaged. The author created a separate reality for him filled with interesting obstacles and hallucinations. It was as if he was doomed to walk through a fun house from Hell for the rest of his life.

Sheriff Mo Bierce seemed more two demensional. I liked her character, but I didn't feel any connection. Which is probably why I didn't feel the emotional impact when the character is killed by the villian.

The Gremlin (villian) was a little weak. He has an evil plan to spread disease to millions of people, but we don't know why. And we never know who he is or anything about him. Which, I suppose, is excusable because we are seeing through the eyes of Fischer.

The Gremlin just happens to be possesed by the same entity that possesed Amy. It forces the Gremlin to leave notes and clues for Fischer so that he can stop the Gremlin's evil plan. A little far-fetched. Not in this movie.

The final act is mostly action. Fischer must conquer his inner demons and stop the Gremlin's plan to spread disease.

I thought the screenplay was good overall.
I give the supporting characters a B-, but I give Fischer an A.
I liked the dark, ominous mood of the story.
The formatting was excellent, and I only saw one typo.
The villian and his evil plan weren't quite evil enough.

I didn't understand the last page. I wasn't sure if he was trying to cure himself, but I got that impression.

GOOD

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Concept - I like a good ghost story. This is creepy and mysterious and really draws you along trying to figure out, with Fisher, what's real and what is in his head. The structure works somewhat in that you have Fisher starting on a quest to figure out what these voices are, whether they are real, believing they are not. Seeming to get somewhere then having a setback "all is lost" moment with Bierce getting killed. After that, though, the end feels rushed, like you're trying to fill in the last act with all the missing pieces, but the hidden anthrax seems like a cheat to explain it all away, but it doesn't really explain it completely.

The characters are well done. Fisher is obviously dealing with some mental disorder that he has to control with drugs. Bierce is believable, but the romance seems false, almost a convenient way for her to be in his house at night. All along, they read more like buddies then they do lovers, so I think you could drop the love story and help the script overall.

The dialogue works, except for Bierce telling her ghost story. Any time you see a bit of dialogue that is longer than four lines, you probably need to fix it. Fisher told his ghost story much more effectively, interspersed with action. There are a lot of scientific, or perhaps paranormal, references that I didn't get, but they didn't knock me out of the script, so they're okay. EXCEPT, the title. I still am not sure what a "Reductionist" is.

The Imagery is damn good. I was creeping myself out as I imagined everything - definitely works as a psychic/creepy/ghost story.

I really like this but I could see where some work could make it so much better. The "belief" discussion between Fisher and Bierce is interesting and it would be cool to work that through the entire script and make it sort of a skeleton for the whole screenplay. I'm not sure the ending is satisfying enough. I'm left wondering if Bierce is only his imagination and that Goblin is a real person causing most of this, but I'm not sure on either of those. Also, the story of Amy and her interviews works but feels rushed at the end when Fisher tells his story. Somehow, I think you need to review and rework the end of act 2 and all of act 3. And, unless I'm missing something, I think you can drop the romance.

Good job! Definitely my favorite read so far.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

The Reductionist (103 pages)

I liked this! Good draft. Consider these items in your rewrite.

TITLE

The title is strange. I just finished the read and can’t tell you what it is. Fisch’s inner demon? Fisch’s talk about not believing in anything?

STORY

The constant visions and pill lust got repetitive. Perhaps cutting it down from 5 to 10 pages would help.

Why did Seraph care about our world?

The lock for the cellar was convenient.

The anthrax was a very un-supernatural threat that wasn’t introduced until late in the story.

The underground refrigerator was cool but escape by lifting the cement block defies belief.

The day was saved by the FBI incredibly fast. Fisch saved the day with a phone call to FBI. Our hero should do the saving, the final act.

Why do Seraph and Fisch start back with tests? They’re a little beyond that now.

Gremlin didn’t seem like a worthy adversary even with Seraph’s help.

I didn’t understand Seraph’s question: Are you listening? To the white paper messages? Those were too weird to figure out.

Ann was a delicious character. Fisch and Bierce were solid as well. Dialogue was good to very good in spots.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

First, congratulations on finishing your full length script. That is quite an accomplishment. The title makes more sense to me know that I have read the entire script. It does set the tone and mood well and hints at the genre but it does not, by itself, give us any information about the story. I think a title that gives a little more information may get read by more people. Your craft is mostly very good but I did have a few things that stuck out. On page fifteen, Bierce readily accepts a beer from Fischer. Isn't she on duty and/or there in an official capacity and therefore not be allowed to drink? On page twenty three the operator gives Bierce's location over the phone. It is not likely that a police dispatcher would do that. On page thirty six, you write Patterson, NJ but it is spelled Paterson. On page thirty nine Bierce says to Fischer "You love hard evidence. Let's go get some." It would seem more likely that the cop would be the one that wants the hard evidence. Also on page thirty nine, you mention that Dreyfus is ready to retire. How is that shown? It seems like you are telling us, not showing us. On page forty Bierce telling Dreyfus that "He's okay" referring to Fischer seems odd. She already mentioned that he worked with the FBI, why would she need to add that he's okay? On page forty six, you write "Fischer laughs, bleakly" Did you mean to have the comma there? I think it reads better with out it. On page forty nine you have Fischer in bold and on a line by itself. Why? You do it again on pages sixty seven and sixty eight. On page fifty three you write "was that there". I know you are trying to say that Fischer is wondering if what he saw was real but it almost reads like dialogue in an action line. Why does it take until page fifty five to find out this takes place in and around Detroit? On page sixty four Bierce says "Amy Warren step out and identify yourself." She was already identified. Shouldn't she say "Amy Warren step out and show yourself."? And on page eighty six, you write that Fischer "does not seem to know that he is doing it." How it that shown. Overall the the dialogue is good and I enjoyed the bit of humor you infused. You action lines are clear. The story, although not my favorite genre, was good and it kept my interest.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

The action scenes are visual and riveting. Caught off guard by Bierce's death. Particularly impressive are the creatures and monsters; the spider, green-eyed rat, fire-eyed skeletal beast, slimy black hand, vines, forked tongues, locusts would look great on a movie screen. They appear consistently from the beginning of the story to the end, reinforcing the question that they are all figments of Fischer's drug-corrupted brain, but maybe not.
Structure is clear and easy to follow. The ticking clock of the white card with a warning about Bierce at 9:32pm (rounding the time off to 9:30 would be sufficient), then a shot of the desk clock reading 8:45pm, is effective.
The number of characters is manageable. Gremlin's first appearance is terrific; love that Fischer "Stomps his foot once" and it becomes apparent that Gremlin is real. The relationship between Fischer and Bierce is believable.
Bierce proclaims, "...I'm the law," but she accepts a beer at Fischer's while on duty? Perhaps she and Fischer should have a second encounter before he asks her for help. Might be too quick for her to show up and be so accepting after one encounter. Bierce's attitude seems rather matter-of-fact as she mentions the burnt card and cracked picture frame.
Description is well done. Enough location variety to be interesting and filmable without outrageous expense. The deterioration of the setting, with emphasis on vacancy and foreclosure rates due to the housing crisis, is a nice detail. The discovery of Gremlin in the "condemned...boarded up house" feels organic.
Some of the references to exact time are a tad distracting. The timecode and date stamps on the bottom of Amy's videos could be rounded off to five minutes; the minute-specifics are, perhaps, not vitally important. Not certain that those three boxes from UPS containing Fischer's groceries are relevant. Couldn't decide if they are mentioned to infer that something important is inside. Kept waiting for another mention, but the boxes don't appear again. Googled "Laurie Anderson"; may not be necessary to mention a specific musician by name.
Dialogue is well done. Some memorable one-liners like Bierce's, "This looks like the worst Iron Chef episode ever"; Fischer's, "...You can call me Fisch. Like a fish"; and, the comments back and forth about Fischer not voting for Sheriff Bierce. Nice slow reveal of information from Fischer and Bierce about "a record player" that evolves into discussing what they believe in.
There may be enough with Fischer's monsters and Gremlin's tyranny to carry the story. Nasty ending to be pecked to death. The Amy/Serph/Bierce/Fischer scenes are a little too vague at times. Perhaps the explanation for Gremlin could be more concrete and stronger. Fischer's admission to Cop (typo for Harrow?), "There is no reason. I have no idea. We'll never know, I guess" is kind of a let down.
Overall, the story is intriguing. Zipped through, curious to discover whether Fischer was a nut case or whether there was a logical explanation for the colorful hallucinations. Congratulations on finishing this entertaining feature.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I don't know if I mentioned it in the last review, but I really like this opening. Very intriguing and a great visual.

I'd turn off the MORE and CONTINUED feature of your writing program. It's not necessary, but it adds white space. As screenwriters, white space is our friend... It gives the reader the impression that we're efficient with words, and they'll expect an easy read that focuses the attention on story rather than on writing.

Technically, there isn't much wrong with this. You have some spelling errors throughout. A good edit will take care of that.

I think the biggest weakness here is in the dialogue. Most of it's fine, but there are times when it reads as stilted and unnatural. I can't hear the characters saying the words when that happens.

I read this through three times. I didn't quiet follow parts of it the first time, but I found the story intriguing so I gave it another shot. By the end of the third read, I was hooked. I'd absolutely love to see this on the big screen.

Give this a good edit. Polish it up a bit and you'll have a gem.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Page 1: "At the bottom of the screen, timecode and date stamp." You can put the details there instead of in the slugline. It'd be a waste of space to mention it twice. Otherwise you have a really effective creepy opening. It instantly challenges our perception of reality, broken again by the hallucinations disappearing after Fischer takes the pills. The bit with the card trick and the TV psychic is funny but also wipes away the audience's preconceptions about Fischer and the paranormal. This all sets up the theme the story, and the protagonist very well.

The conversation running from page 19 to 20 is slightly on the nose. To me, the line "I’d like to say I believe my eyes
and ears. But I can’t even believe that" is basically unnecessary, as by now I think we've got the idea.

The scene at the zug steel mill was great. The industrial decay fits perfectly with the hallucinated demons, and the dead pig wired to a land mine is definitely something I've never seen before. It's very gripping. I like how Fischer's internal problems overlap with the external problems, to the point where we're not sure which is which.

I like how you've kept the story mostly contained, but used videos as flashbacks to fill in some backstory. Less is definitely more here. I like how you build up to what happened, leaving us to imagine what's next, and what makes Fischer not only scared but guilty about what he did. You've also struck a great balance with the tone, the dry humour never undercutting the horror but coming across as more of a coping mechanism for the characters and the audience.

The choice to kill Bierce might be unpopular, but I think it's really brave. It raises the stakes completely. The reveal of the Gremllin's plot and the climax were very tense. I liked the ending.

There's nothing really to change here. Excellent.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

This is an ambitious screenplay with an intriguing lead character. As a first draft, it fleshes out the story and characters. Your rewrite should look at several things.

First, have a look at the structure and make sure you have a clear inciting incident that changes the direction of the story. On page ten a duck fell to the earth — I'm not sure that changes the story enough. Hit all of the appropriate beats for Act one turn, midpoint, etc. with each one adding drama or ratcheting the story up to another level. I never got a sense of drama or foreboding from this, just a lot of stuff in the background.

Next, have a look at the characters. Find a way to make Fischer a little more sympathetic, someone that I want to root for as the story moves along. The other characters need some back story as well. It will give them more life. Even Amy could have some additional something to make her more human (or even more demonic . . . a demon would have a back story too, wouldn't it?)

If there is one thing you could do that would greatly improve this script, it would be to show us more of what's happening rather than tell us. Look at your scenes: how many of them have two people talking to each other in a room? What could they be doing, actively, that would give the audience the same information? Ask yourself: if you were an actor, would you want to give all of these lines to another actor sitting across from you? Find a way to cut half the dialogue and you'll have a lot of room to paint a graphic visual for us of what's happening.

Consider what subplots and subtext you're using. I couldn't really identify any, so the read dragged a bit and didn't hold my interest as it could. Give us something to think about, analyze, and discover.

As I said, it's really an intriguing concept with a TON of possibilities. Step back and look at your concept. What could you do to enhance it? You can do it!

As a side note, I could picture a lot of your locations because I live in the Detroit area. As a movie location, Detroit would be perfect for your film. Good luck!

Michael Berg (Level 3)

This sentence seems to contradict its intent "Almost immediately, at a good speed, the coaster zips to yes." Try being more clear and precise in action like this.

I don't understand the intent (meant just for reader or seen by audience) of "timecode and date stamp." If the times listed off to the side are meant to be seen you should indicate with a Super, or say ahead of time each timecode will appear on screen.

You use "walk or walks" alot as a verb in your narrative. After all it gets very redundant if somone walks here, then someone else walks there. Can you find alternative verbs to give more insight to the scene or character in how they move?

What is real and what isn't? I can't really tell. Though the last 1/3 held me, nice job! -- the first 1/3 was tough to get through. I couldn't tell who his antogonist was and what his goal was. Was he fighting himself? Was Seraph real, or in his head? Was everything ghostly a dream, or was it not?

I'm not sure if the reader should be as confused as an audience member watching it. Though I will say I liked the last 1/3 had a very "Jacob's Ladder" thing going on.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

A character driven piece with Fischer in most scenes. He is an interesting character and you draw him very quickly with most of his quirks and foibles laid out by page 10.

I like him very much in the beginning but as the script progressed I became vey unsure of how to respond to him and by the end was rather creeped out by him.

He seems to cause the death of all his colleagues and yet is retained by the FBI – I was extremely confused by his role and unsure of what his goal was.

His dialogue was natural but nothing really made it different to Bierce’s.

Bierce was a tough female cop – nothing new there - and seemed to be Fischer’s reflection and love interest, she did not move the plot along. Her death was sudden and Fischer’s reaction to it was a little too cool.

The story and plot is extremely unusual with great imagination but I did struggle to understand everything particularly towards the end with the explanation as to who was haunting Fischer – was it himself? I got very muddled and I think there were a couple of typos with the - /Seraph dialogue which made it even harder to comprehend. (102/103)

I began getting confused around p44 with the introduction of the bomber/Satanist and whether the main plot was Fischer solving this crime or who was haunting him and if these were one and the same.

Gremlin was glossed over too quickly – he just seemed to be a one dimensional bad guy that Seraph had access to in order to facilitate the writer’s ideas rather than to further the plot.

Overall it is very well written with a good pace to it and some stunning visuals with the hallucinations but I feel it lacked depth of character and clarity to really hook me.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I’ve listed my comments as I read this below. Often I’m more likely to note negatives than positives.

Title Page – The title isn’t one that gets me excited. It’s a little vague and feels negative in tone.

Pg 1 – The first page has good attention grabbing stuff.

Pg 8 – These early scenes are great introductions to the character and set up his distinctive life really well.

Pg 10 – I really like the thing with the duck.

Pg 19 – I like how this is moving along. On this page it’s good that we get an idea what’s eating at Bierce, but I wonder if her dialogue is a little preachy.

Pg 24 – I like that he is forced to go out at night when he said he couldn’t. Something to think about is if there is a way to reinforce this by showing him stray outside at night earlier on so that we can see why he can’t go out.

Pg 31 – The whole scene in the mill is great stuff.

Pg 33 – I get a sense that this is now in its second act. So far you’ve got really good stuff happening to Fischer and I’m intrigued by the flashbacks. Being really picky I’m starting to feel like things are happening to him and that there is a sense that he is along for the ride instead of pushing things along.

Pg 34 – “pulls a video tape” - A little retro for a technology guy. If you want it to be that way for a reason then someone should mention it.

Pg 39 – The scene prior to this is heavy on exposition. Most of it is necessary but perhaps there is a way to tightened it up and present it a little more dynamically.

I’m not sure that the driving scene on this page is adding much.

Pg 40 – Again, aside from meeting Dreyfuss, who does nothing distinctive, I’m not sure what we get from their arrival scene.

Pg 41 – For some reason I feel like I’m now watching an episode of a police procedural.

Pg 44 – The circle of rats thing spices it back up.

The exchange at the end of this page feels forced. The Satanist already got close to blowing something up, and the police don’t have the resources feels cliché.

I realize I’ve suddenly become very picky. It’s because I really liked the first act and think it had a great quality to it, so now you’ve set yourself a high bar.

Pg 45 – “This won’t even make the top ten.” - This diminishes your story. Also the character of Bierce started off as a likeable kind sort, and now she seems to have become a hard-ass cop.

Pg 46 – “That bothers me.” - Earlier on when crazy shit was going on around him he was the coolest dude alive and that was what made him a stand out character. His “cool” seems to have disappeared. I’d suggest having him retain his coolness and his disinterest in what is happening, and have Bierce be the one forcing him to help her investigate and refusing to leave him alone.

Pg 47 – “What will you do about all this? Sheriff?” - I’m sorry to be so negative, but this line of dialogue feels tired and dull. It’s such a contrast to the beginning I’m wondering if two different people wrote it.

Pg 49 – An expert on the paranormal googles “RITUAL ANIMAL KILLING”?

The monsters have returned and Amy is back, but instead of them getting me on the edge of my seat like they did earlier, they have me shrugging. This is because for me these last 20 pages have sapped the energy out of the story.

Pg 53 – “He winks and gives it a thumbs-up.” - The cool stuff is back.

Pg 60 – This feels like a long chatty scene. It’s occurred to me that these two characters have been the only ones (other than Amy in flashback) to say much in this.

Pg 63 – “We’re speaking to the ghost of Aaron Fischer?” - Nice twist.

Pg 66 – The room being in the house is great.

Pg 71 – The suicide tape stuff works well.

Pg 85 – The stuff about the million lives gives the story some stakes. I wonder if it makes sense to set it up earlier in the story. Bierce’s death comes as a surprise, so much so that I’m not sure it has the impact it might have if it wasn’t so out of the blue. Also, for me as a character she had long since become something of a bland sounding board without her own sense of direction so I guess I wasn’t that bothered by seeing her go.

Pg 89 – I get the idea of this building to a finale although I’ve not got much of an idea what that’ll involve. One thing I will guess is that he’s the one who’s doing the killing. He’s pretty much the only character left, so he has to be.

As written this script is very special effects heavy, so probably high budget. Given this I wonder if keeping the story so confined to only a few locations is necessary.

Pg 101 – “I can’t explain a lot of what’s happened.” - He won’t be the only one! :)

Pg 103 – And the last page is a reset of the story.

Overall this is a script that I’m not sure how to react to. The first act is fantastic and sets this off really strongly. You’ve got a lot of things in this that have great potential. But, as you’ll have got from my notes, I was really disappointed with how it played out from there.

The characters seemed to change. The story seemed to become aimless up until the third act began and then it seemed to be playing out a separate save the world story line.

I’m going to shut up now because I realize I’ve long since become unhelpfully negative here. I’ll say though that the main reason I’ve become so negative is because I really wanted this to be great and for a while I thought it was. That means I’d love to see a rewrite of this.

Good luck with it.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

wow, this was some ride! I was pulled into the story, and didn't come up for air until it was over. I loved this. I loved your characters, dialog, story! Everything was really strong and while I wasn't still sure if he was hallucinating still, at the end, I still really loved this story.

The story pacing is awesome. I am immediately drawn to the character in the opening scene with the monsters and the bloody drink. It was a very good opener, the first pages are solid. Anyone reading this, would not be able to put it down.

Your Fischer character is unique, fun, and compelling. He's just dynamic and I can think of any number of A list actors who would jump at the chance to play him.

Bierce is also really strong and a great love interest, she's a strong woman, and I loved her character.

I thought the dialog was amazing and the action lines were really sharp and to the point, and visual.

Okay, so I'm going on an on about this, but it's really great. And I think it's going to win. This is the first script I've read this month, so I'm wondering if any of the others can match up to this.

Great title, story and characters. Excellent work!!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Very good beginning, all the elements there... the first 15 or so pages fly by. Plenty of storyline, action and tension, both internal and external. Well done.

The transition where Bierce decides to divulge information to Fischer on page nineteen doesn't seem organic and feels a bit quick. I think it's better if you just plant the seed there rather than come out with it - after all, she's in law enforcement and whether or not she's taking a liking to Fischer, she should be cautious. She should hold back just a bit and maybe just go with, "There’s probably eight families left in twelve blocks." Leave it there and we are left to wonder as is Fischer. You succeed in piquing interest as well subtext and future storyline.

"Fischer approaches a bridge, years out of repair." approaches a bridge in disrepair.

Thoughts to page 44 - Bierce feels a bit like she's there because she needs to be there so Fischer can fill in the blanks and have someone to tell the story to. I think she needs to be a bit more dimensional. Also, Dreyfuss doesn't seem at all like a seasoned police veteran about to retire, but instead, an older gentleman waiting for the bus. If he is played with savvy and smarts but disinterested by his upcoming retirement as well as seeing his share of degenerates, that would read better, imho. He should be skeptical of Fischer.

Thoughts to page 66 - love Fischer, great character, full of emotion and intrigue. Well-crafted dialogue blocks and a protagonist that keeps you interested and reading. Bierce is starting to develop as well, more so than in the first 40-odd pages.

I love the following passage but would cut the last line.

AMY/SERAPH (CONT’D)
Our entire civilization is a sand
castle by the sea. The tide laps
at its foundations. Its condition
is that precarious.

I love the interaction between Gremlin and Fischer, pages 79-80. It's marvelous.

AMY/SERAPH & BIERCE/SERAPH - I would keep those dialogue blocks vague and almost poetic. The feel and mood really enhances what's going on. To stop short of explanation really works.

I liked this very much - it as a fast paced, well written feature. Great job.

I wanted a stronger connection between the death of Bierce and Fischer in some way, I'm not sure. I would read from that moment (death of Bierce) out and see if there is anything you may want to do differently.

Well done.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2011 12:01 AM

Congratulations! Really good work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 10/1/2011 12:08 AM

Thought this was yours and thought it should win! Great, great work even if it did challenge my brain!

Denise Jewell (Level 4) ~ 10/1/2011 12:13 AM

I picked this to win! Congrats and great job! You should definitely keep working on this script - so much here is done well.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2011 1:28 AM

Congratulations Pete! I knew this would win as soon as I read it. Fantastic script! I almost sent you an email yesterday congratulating you. :) Well done. (I'll get ya next year.) ;o)

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus) ~ 10/1/2011 2:54 AM

Wonderful work - be proud.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2011 4:03 AM

Congratulations Pete!! Great to see you taking the top spot in this comp.!

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2011 7:54 AM

Wow. That's a great start to the month.

Thank you all for the reviews and critiques, and I'm glad so many people enjoyed it.

@Caroline: Re: "challenge my brain" - that's the highest praise I can get, in my opinion.

@Brian: I dunno. Should I retire with the belt? :P

David M Troop (Level 4) ~ 10/1/2011 11:08 AM

Congrats, Pete! Great work!
Good to see PA represented!
Go, Phillies!

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 10/1/2011 11:43 AM

Friggin loved it, Pete!