Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I think the story is a bit heavy on exposition. On page one, you have all the pictures of the couple, which delivers back-story. It could work if you want to show Harry being obsessed by the past and his life with Sarah.

Then on page two "I never told you this Gerry, but I bought you for Sarah the day we found out she couldn’t have children."

He doesn't tell that to his parrot which he's had for 50 years, he's telling that to your audience. He'd never do that in real life.

A typo on page three; 'Pyscho'.

Page five, "Professor of Quantum Physics" is not really an existing diploma. You get your masters degree in physics (MSc), then you do a PhD for four years, then you do two-year stints as a post-doc for a while until you become tenured for life as a professor (the holy grail). The diploma is not the thing a physicist would be proud of and hang on his wall. He'd be proud of a publication, a discovery, a Nobel prize. You could have a picture of him on the wall while he's receiving the Nobel prize, Janet commenting on that.

He could have a chalkboard filled with formulas, and Janet and Nick could look at it in puzzlement. Or if you can move the story back two decades he could be posing with the iconic Einstein (which would have additional symbolic meaning because you cannot travel back in time according to Einstein's relativity theory).

But professor of quantum physics is not a diploma. If he's a practitioner of that field, that is called a Theoretical Physicist. He'd be doing Quantum Field Theory, or maybe super-string theory.

But a theoretical physicist would not be the one to build a machine. That would more naturally be an Experimental Physicist, who would build his own machines to do experiments with.

He could be an Experimental High-Energy Physicist who has won a Nobel Prize for discovering some exotic particle for example.

Or: here's a nice one; model him after Edward Witten (look him up), who is theoretical physicist, professor of mathematical physics, and who received a Fields Medal. You could show that Fields Medal on the wall. You could have him work at some renowned institute where he has access to a workplace where technicians build machines for his experiments (in real life it would be an experimental physicist who would be doing the experimenting, and dealing with the workplace, but close enough maybe).

Just giving you some background you might possibly be able to use. I have a masters degree in Physics. Let me know if you need more info.

The last page is unnecessary I think. It is best to arrive late and leave early in a story. You do arrive late (Harry is in his 70s), but I think I got the message on page four. That would have been a very strong ending, Harry getting another chance because he gets the blueprint of a device to go back in time, so he'll definitely try again. I think you ended the story there, it would be much better.

Overall, nice story idea!

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

"Pyscho" = Psycho. That whole marquee title should probably be in caps.

Interesting story, but there seems to be a problem with the plot. Why does he need to be faster? Can't he just go back in time a little further? (Or does he need to be faster at building the machine? But even if he builds it ten years later, wouldn't he be able to manage to go back in time well before the accident?) If he died, how did he pass off the blueprints to his younger self? Maybe a rewrite to address those two issues is in order.

[3]

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The script reads well and the pacing is tight.

Harry isn't very interesting and he only has Gerry to play off of. Maybe Gerry could have some one liners?

The focus of your story is that Harry must be faster which is counter intuitive because of the time machine. He can go back 5, 10, 15 minutes prior and have as much time as he needs.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

I actually enjoyed your story of time travel. Of course, I'm a sucker for a good time travel story.

I did have a few questions though; so Harry knew that he was going to die on this day, correct? I was curious how many times did he go back into the past to try and save her?

Also, when you begin describing the past? Are you describing the '50's or before then? Why not be a little more specific with your descriptions in this particular instance?

Other than that, I actually really enjoyed reading your story; your script was an easy read and it had a nice flow to it from start to finish. Thanks for the read.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

A simple, understated, low-key time travel story.

The title works, and resonates with the repeated line “Need to be faster.” Gerry actually says it more often than Harry, which makes sense given that Gerry’s a parrot. And it implies that Harry’s said that many times, perhaps unconsciously teaching the bird. (Or maybe he wants the parrot to remind and/or encourage him?) He’s both determined to save Sarah, and haunted by his inability to do so in the past.

The ‘friendship’ between Harry and Gerry is sweet (“You take care, old friend.”), although Gerry’s a bird and so can’t understand what’s going on, which makes the story sadder. And though they’re going to look after Gerry, Mick and Janet don’t seem to be much help either, in terms of working out what’s going on.

It’s up the 1960 version of Harry to invent the time machine and try to save Sarah, but will he ever be faster than himself? Or will he just be trapped in a cycle of trying to save her again and again, and continually feeling guilt over his inability to do so, just like he has done for most of his lifetime (possibly several times) already?

It’s an effective, well-written story, but perhaps too muted and depressing. A little more hope might not have gone amiss.

Perhaps, had the writer taken Harry’s/Gerry’s advice, and been faster (paced), the emotional impact might have been greater, although I suppose that’s part of the tragedy of the story: Harry’s old, and slow, and has experienced his grief and sense of responsibility over Sarah’s death in a long, drawn-out way, over many years.

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

I like that Gerry's lines in the beginning were the words Harry has been speaking for years. Leaving the goal unaccomplished added interest, knowing that Harry's efforts aren't yet complete and that he must still attempt to save Sarah's life.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

You were doing pretty good until the car collected them both?

Although this has been done before, I think you did a good job with it. Of course the complexity of the machine, the car crash, and the bird makes the production difficult, not impossible, just difficult. Good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I loved this.

Great time travel story. I love the circular nature of it and the discovery of what Harry is trying to do.

However, you don't need that final scene. The story is over when he tells young Harry that he needs to be faster. In fact, the repetition of faster is fantastic in this piece, I would even suggest trying to get it into the title.

Anyway, those are nitpicks and easily fixed. This will make a wonderful short film.

Excellent.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

A good story with characters I care about. The parrot was well done and his message tied in well.

My second "Excellent" already this month. Thanks for entering.

David Patterson (Level 3)

It was a good story but maybe a bit predictable or maybe I've read or scene this sort of thing a hundred times. The story really lagged at the onset fore me and I just wanted something to happen. I did love the couple that came at the end to get the bird and see the article to reveal the backstory. I think I needed more of Harry..he was hard to see. Keep up the good writing!

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Well, this is getting an excellent from me. It was easy and pleasurable to read. I thought it flowed very well. I liked the use of the invention and time travel.

I hope you do well. Good luck!

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

This was excellent from start to finish. Nothing but positive stuff to say about this one. You should do really well.

Excellent job!

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A quantum physicist invents a time machine.

GOOD.

Story told with reveal at end. The title gives too much away. Writing, format ok. A hoarder's paradise would be stacked to the ceiling and we wouldn't be able to see the pictures on the wall. Nit picking point. The parrot was an interesting touch, kind of an epilogue ending.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

This is terrific! The title is very good. It introduces the main character and hints at his regret. Your craft is completely flawless. The dialogue works very well and feels completely natural and realistic for these characters (although that is quite a vocabulary for a parrot!). It was clever how you had the parrot ramblings about being faster end up being important to the story. Your action lines are descriptive yet clear and concise. The story is heartwarming and intriguing although it is a very familiar theme. This is excellent and should place, great job.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

This story kind of reminds me of my entry. Harry is like my Albert in appearance and they both create a time machine, although I called mine a teleporter. I liked this story. Your main character is trapped in a loop that doesn't ever appear will improve. I think it would be good if Janet did know who Sarah was. At least your story has your scientist create something that I was expecting. He didn't really appear mad, just doing what he did for love, not madness.

All the best,

Javier

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

The story reads kind of choppy. The descriptions are clunky and the dialogue is on point.

Where is the vacant slot where Harry puts the white crystal?

When Harry travels back in time and sees young Harry and Sarah, the description reads, "Harry stands other side of the street". This sounds wrong.

It's a clichéd time travel story.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The concept is kind of an old one for me but I still like it. The parrot gave it an interesting touch. And I liked that they died/disappeared. Where did Harry go though? He saved himself but where did his old self go then... Anyway, nice little story, I think. The only thing - I think new characters used up a whole page at the end - that's a bit much.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific "time travel" story. Love the sentiment and all the visual elements.
Necessary to adopt some suspension of belief; not entirely sure how 20-year-old Harry transporting Sarah in the pyramid, presumably to present day, will bring her back to life. But that's okay.
Maybe tighten the dialogue a little. Wonder if 20-year-old Harry should be silent. Seems the important information in the scene comes from 70-year-old Harry, his instructions, and his death.
A lot of entertaining story in five pages.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really liked the idea of Harry giving himself the blueprint for the time machine, and that Sarah's fate is inescapable. He just ends up causing it to happen. Many great time travel stories explore this area.

"intently studies what appears to be a blueprint of some sort"
This is not efficient writing. The "intently" is unnecessary, as many adverbs are provided the right verb is chosen. Just "studies" is fine. He is studying a blueprint. Even if it turns out not to be a blueprint, that's what we as the audience understand it to be when we see it first, so introduce it as such. That cumbersome phrase becomes "He studies a blueprint". Much easier to swallow. There are other examples, but this was the one that stood out the most to me.

Rather than an "olden looking town" or "vintage clothes", you can put a specific date on it, which you already have by having Psycho on the marquee (unless it's a rerelease).

Good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I thought your craft here was very good, but regarding time travel stories, I think the odds are against being able to come up with something original enough to really stand out. It seems like it has all been done before.

This was a nice try, but it didn't quite make it over that high bar to me.

Mitch Underhill (Level 2)

An interesting take on the time travel idea. Touching. I like it. The script read well and easily, I had no problem visualizing the story. One formatting error though. Off-screen sounds and sound effects as well as the things making the sounds need to be in all capitals. He squawks, soft humming sound, sound of buttons, humming, and loud explosion should be in all capitals.

Also, PEDESTRIANS and PEOPLE do not need to be in all capitals. Man (young Harry), after he appears for the first time in all caps, should have the "m" capitalized because he is a speaking character.

Keep up the good work!

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I like this little story. I like how you used a bird, just makes the story more alive, real. I would call it Faster, not Harry's Lament, just me.
Smooth writing, easy read.
The idea itself is not new (reminded me of Back In The Future), but I like how you told it, good writing. Very Good.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Really lovely story. Strong entry. But then you suddenly switch gears at the end?! I don't want to see those new guys taking the parrot. I want things to wrap up for Harry, which you basically already did. So, if you are satisfied with the wording, you should have just ended right there and then. Last page is really unneeded.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I thought this one was written well and the story worked too even though I knew what it was going to be about halfway through page one.

I liked the parrot, but IMHO he was also the one that helped give away what would happen. You might want to think about rewriting some of his dialogue. :)

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

GOOD FRIGGIN READ! I love the cycle of it all. I can't say I didn't see it coming, but that doesn't matter when the story is so well-delivered. I honestly have zero negatives to say about this script. EXCELLENT!

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Though I've seen a few similar stories along these lines you've some great characters and lovely style in the execution.

The visuals are beautifully written and the dialogs well crafted.

Very well done!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Interesting story. I was pulled into it, not knowing what was going to happen. I like that he's trying to go back in time to save his wife (I guess?) And that he needs to be faster. I'm assuming that the young Harry is himself? He gives him the blueprint, I'm not sure what the blueprint is, though.

There were some good moments, and then some confusing moments in this. I felt like the ending was a little bit of a let down. I was left wanting more.

Simon Mapp (Level 3)

A standard time paradox story, with a twist that is also typical of the type. Quite well done, given the limitations of the length, though I found some of the dialogue a bit blunt ("I never told you this Gerry, but I bought you for Sarah the day we found out she couldn’t have children. Something to cheer her up").

Not sure that the Harry character could have been described as "mad" though, and certainly he didn't come across like this.

The script had an American feeling, but as the RSPCA was mentioned, I assume it is set in Britain? If it was supposed to be America, this is presumably an error?

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 9/1/2011 12:11 AM

Congratulations on your Third Place finish!

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4) ~ 9/1/2011 5:52 AM

Thanks to everyone for their comments. The main thing that seemed to be brought up was the ending, and whether it was needed. To be honest, I wrote this script on the last day and it was a bit rushed to meet the deadline. The ending here was not the original one I intended but due to time and length issues I had to scrap it. Seems like most people understood what I was going for here, and there were a couple of things I wanted to leave open to interpretation. Will take everyone's comments into consideration if doing a rewrite. Thanks again.

Bill Clar (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2011 9:09 AM

Tim, you wrote this script in one day? That makes your quality of work even more impressive. And kind of intimidating too. :-)

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2011 11:48 AM

One of the scripts I read and gave a VG placed! I'm sorry I didn't read more of them. Great Job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 9/1/2011 3:23 PM

Congratulations on your third place!!!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 9/2/2011 10:39 PM

Congratulations, Tim! I didn't get to this for a review, but I read it now and it's very good.

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 9/4/2011 11:54 AM

Great script! One of my favorites.

Elias Farnum (Level 5) ~ 9/18/2011 3:11 AM

I've read the top 3 finishers, and I kinda like this one the best. I must agree though that the last page is not needed in it's entirety. Even just dropping the last line of dialogue from Janet, and leave them sharing a look would've been okay with me. Point is, it does detract from the excellence of the first 4 pages.

Of course it is quite common in a time travel story where the protagonist is the cause of his woes when he goes back and attempts to change it, you worked it well.

Elias Farnum (Level 5) ~ 9/18/2011 3:19 AM

Uh, I see he didn't actually cause it, but you know what I mean. It never works like planned or it wouldn't be interesting.