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"The Blahbinator" by David Patterson

Logline: The Greatest invention man has ever known!

Genre: Comedy

Cast Size: 4

Production Status: Available (Please contact the author to negotiate the rights)

Contest: Mad Home Scientist (Jul. 2011)

Contest Scores
PoorFairGoodVery GoodExcellent
4%21%43%29%4%

Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Towner (Level 2)

Didn't really love the idea and it wasn't really fleshed out like it could have been I felt.

I enjoyed the fact that you didn't waste time on the actual invention itself because let's be honest, who cares how he made it. Added a bizarre, funny element to the whole thing. And a suburban street at night is always cinematic.

But mostly, it seemed simple and underdone.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I'm sure others will tell you too, but first action paragraph is more than five lines and that is considered too long.

Having said that, the first paragraph did put a smile on my face. It was a bit cliche, KA-BAM, light, smoke, a smoking BBQ grill, but it made me smile.

It is rather funny! The blinking blahbinator. And the dialogue at the end of page one is hilarious! "What's the worst thing about ...?" "Periods." "What else?"

Very funny idea! Kind of has been done with "What Women Want", but you've given it a nice biker twist.

The end, BLAHBINATOR: I'M A SHE-MALE. was a bit on the nose. You need to show it more subtly. Like the idea though of Perry letting Harley leave with a she-male so he can be with this Amanda.

I do wish the story continued from there. There is plenty of room for more conflict after that! She'll hate him for having a machine that reads her mind, as soon as she finds out. She could for example take revenge by controlling her thoughts and steering him wrong.

Funny story!

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

The intro action block is too long (over 4 lines). Break it into a few segments. I would break it before he parks the bike and before the KA-BAM and before Perry shows up.

My honkey? :S

"YOU’RE A FUCKING WHACKO!" LOL

"PACKED WITH LOSERS LIKE YOU." LOL

I love how he's not offended when the machine tells him these things.

"you’re not even the Queen of Dairy...or something..." LOLz

"DEFINITELY GAY." LOL

Oh "The Crying Game" ending. Kinda funny. Though I think "I HAVE A WEINER" would have been funnier. It's probably going to offend some people either way (not necessarily the MP crowd). I laughed despite myself. VERY GOOD.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Interesting title.

Your opening action sequence can be broken up into three or more paragraphs.

A couple of grammar errors.

In your second scene you start off with "They". Don't assume we know which characters you're talking about. It's a safe bet that it's Harley and Perry but it's a habit to avoid.

"Perry reads it and tries to act more manly". If I'm the director, how should I tell the actor to play this? The more details you can give, the better. Perry can puff up his chest. Sit up straight. Jut out it his chin.

I love the ending. It's a funny punchline to a long joke.

You have a good story and two interesting characters. The format and grammar issues are plentiful, but easily rectified. Give it a few rewrites and you'll have a good script that's also easy to film due to low production costs.

Byron Matthews (Level 5)

This was an interesting story. To be honest with you, the story fell a little flat on me. Most of the paragraphs could use work especially the first one. Maybe describe Harley's characteristics then in the next line describe his action then in the next line describe the commotion coming from the garage then so on and so on.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Your craft is fine, but I feel like this comedy goes where hundreds have gone before.

The jokes made me smile, but never actually laugh. But maybe that's just me. I just wish there was some more depth to the characters here and more arc to the story.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This gets and alright from me. It's not entirely original, I've seen this sort of thing before. Had some humor, some of it a little more crude than I like it, but that's a personal taste. I didn't really care much for any of the characters, they were blase.

I'm a worn out record on this, and for five pages it sounds weird, but this could have been shorter and not lost anything, in my opinion.

All in all, I didn't hate but I didn't love it either. Thanks for entering.

David M Troop (Level 5)

"The Blahbinator" was extremely well conceived and expertly written. The author has a sharp comedic mind and knows how to write dialogue that is FUNNY.
The premise (which was original, but seemed familiar) is set up quickly. The two characters act and speak like real people.
You might say that the screenplay is primarily the same joke repeated many times, but the author's dialogue and comedic timing keeps the joke fresh. And the author may have realized this as well, so he adds a nice twist at the end.
Overall, I thought "The Blahbinator" was an excellent screenplay. The author has a keen sense of comedic writing. This would make an amazing SNL skit.
Great job.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Funny. The title / invention = very cool. Quick dialogue between the two guys had me lauging when they talked about women and periods. LOL

Written very cleanly.

Good ending. This should do pretty good.

Good luck.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Your slugs are inconsistent throughout. Make sure it looks like this: "INT. KITCHEN - DAY"

I'd recommend trimming the first paragraph because a lot of that is useless information (like the dog barking) and trim down the description of Harley. Also looks like you crammed the final paragraph together just to fit the 5pg limit.

Well I actually thought your invention was quite clever and entertaining. The dialogue was a little rough at points. I could never imagine anyone using the phrase "my honkey" in every day context like that. But overall the ending gave me a chuckle, it's a good from me!

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

I think we should all go out and get us a Blahbinator. Great story, good start, good ending.

Characters, dialogue and setting moved along with each scene. The script conveyed a sense of believable humor.

You definitely thought outside the box and created a great script that could go well on the screen.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A man invents a device to interpret female thoughts

VERY GOOD.

Block of writing at beginning needs to be broken up. The name of the device is appropriate. I'm not sure if the device should have had a voice, Potential for comedy gold.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

I like the title a lot, it tells us this will be a comedy or at the very least, whimsical. Your craft is mostly good (one very minor point is fade out should have period after it not a colon). The dialogue is very good and is a lot of fun. It seems quite natural and realistic for these two guys. Your action lines are fine, everything is clear and concise. The story is very funny and completely enjoyable. This would have done well in the comedy contest and I hope it dosn't get shot down by those that don't appreciate comedy. Overall, this is very good and I hope it places.

Jamie Lon (Level 1)

"The Blahbinator" was fun. No believable,but fun. I would this in the weird section.
Blahbinator would have better named if it was something like: Mind reader, or on a second thought, EdWARD cullen. oh, how i hate him.
My only complaint is: i didn't get the ending

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

Javier reads script then picks up The Blahbinator: this script rocks!

Well actually, it's not bad, it has merit.

Your snappy montage of an intro needs to be no longer than four lines so split it up. You don't actually place any of this script in either of the three places that was required.

Your description of your device being a burnt cellphone is odd, as anything burnt and smoking surely doesn't work! It's not like he was baking a cake and out pops the final product.

Delete the continues and use a period at the end of Fade Out.

All the best,

Javier

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Haha, this is very funny. There are lots of small original bits in it, funny dialog that makes sense... the Blahbinator - It really is a mind reader, but I liked the fact that you gave it another name and stuck to your genre. The genre of comedy is very hard but I sincerely think you have talent. By the first paragraph - it can be told that you are not writing for a long time - it's a huge chunk and that's why I'm just sure you're very talented at comedy writing. Good luck to you. I think you'll do great things.

I think you need to rethink the ending, make it punchy. I don't think you need to introduce the biker at all, she takes off from the guys and Amanda. You need an ending for them - the guys and Amanda. IMO.
So in terms of "complete well-rounded script" it didn't deliver for me, but as "funny, original dialog" - it did, although it needs the ending and unifying idea and an idea is the king of a story, I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Good job characterizing Harley and Perry. Some of the dialogue translated by the Blahbinator is pretty funny. Could picture Danny McBride and James Franco playing these doofases.
Might break up the lengthy paragraphs. In the first paragraph, the camera is clearly focused on Harley as he arrives in Perry's driveway. Maybe start the new description at the sound "KA-BAM!" since the camera would be pointing at the yellow light coming through the garage door cracks. Perhaps another paragraph at SMOKE, and Perry emerging in his beekeeper suit. Makes reading a bit easier and helps the reader envision what's going to show on a movie screen.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This story could be construed as offensive, but I like that Perry and Harley also have their words interpreted by the Blahbinator. Everyone speaks in euphemisms. If I were in one of the insulted groups I might be offended. It's not entirely clear whether we're laughing at them or with them.

Split the opening paragraph up. Common wisdom is to have an action paragraph be no more than four or five lines, because a reader's eye will skim it instinctively, instead of reading it thoroughly. This could be frustrating if you put pieces of significant information that became important later on.

Some of the conversation I really didn't buy, especially when she thinks "DUMB AS A ROCK BUT HE HAS A SPINE".

Good.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought this was cute. I have seen a skit like this before - some YouTube video of some comedy show - but this was different enough from the skit. You did a good job with the characters and the dialogue. Overall, it was a bit on the cliche side, going off with a tranny and such, but you got away with it. Good work.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

Liked the title before I even read it.

The set up for this was so great, I couldn't wait until they got to a bar to try it out. There was some moments - maybe I was expecting too much - but I didn't feel like it paid off in the end.

Liked the characters, the dialog was great.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Pretty funny as a sketch, but I hardly thought their choice of words was 'confusing'. I though the machine would decypher all the illogical women-quotes. Instead, it just shows their real intention with words. Which is why it works on men.

Bit of a coincidence that the invention just happens to take place in a garage. Bit forced actually. Dialogue is good, actionlines are clear, but the ending is a bit too sudden.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I liked the story. Thought it was funny. I would have voted very good on this if the writing had been a bit smoother. You start out with a big chunky paragraph that is full of descriptions of hair and shirts and whatnot. Also go back and look at how many sentences you start with "he".

Fix up some of the clunky writing and this will read smooth and not get in the way of a funny story. Good luck! :)

Robert Hestand (Level 3)

I really liked the concept of this, it lends itself to some good comedy. We don't, however, get many "sympathy votes" from these two guys' sexist banter, and it results in us not really wanting to "root" for them. The bar scene had some funny moments, but I think overall the script suffers from being a bit too wordy and not as tight as it could have been.

Rod Thompson (Level 4)

This one had awesome potential, but the end fell short. The comedy was thick, but the comedic device (the phone) seemed to be the only point of comedy, and it never refreshed. After "he's the hot one" I felt like the story just rushed to the end without much delivery. Granted, the shrug was funny, but it felt as if you had a lot more places to go with this story and then suddenly realized you were near page limit. On the whole, not a bad story at all...in fact it was the most original I've read. But like I said, it just felt rushed.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Woo boy, some of the ladies might give you a piece of their mind for the statement made by your characters. But heck you made them assholes to begin with, so I really think good job there.

The premise is kinda like "What Women Want" but with a slight sci-fi twist to it and the dialogs were quite funny giving this a more sitcom vibe.

I'd add a few more details about the device and how it works specifically. There's scope for how the text can executed visually on the screen which'd add another cool dimension.

And secondly you could work some back-story as to what level of friendship these guys have and is he smart enough to invent a device this complicated. But you set the tone with the grill as the machine used for invention and I totally buy it!

Cool! Very good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Typical guy invention! ha ha.

I thought this was funny in parts, but after a while got monotonous, because there wasn't really much of a story, just scenes of what the guys got to read on the blahbinator when they met Amanda. Maybe with the right actors it could be fun. I guess it's because I've read and seen similar stories to this, so the originality factor wasn't there.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

I liked it once it got going. The dialouge was funny the story was pretty sweet as well. My only concern was the description in the beginning. I liked it.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I thought this was an interesting idea for an invention, writing was okay. Overall it was a decent effort.


Comments Made After the Contest


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