Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I find the image of a man in a white coat and a monocle jarring. A white coat suggests clean-room, pristine institute. A monocle suggests old-world romance. Two opposing images in my head as I am reading.

Philip says funny things!

A story for children, as Philip is clearly the wise one, the one we want to sympathize with.

The inventions are funny too, and they are lovely! Endearing little objects, uncle Albert should keep them all I think :-)

Page 4: "It's the next day.", I think you have to find a way to put that on the screen. Maybe the previous screen was night and now it is day. Or maybe every one is wearing different clothing.

Five dollars for the Predictor, hilarious!!! God, what I would give for that device!

Very cool ending!!! Very cool. Yeah, what is more important, some money, or an f'ing Teleporter!

A little fairy tale with a clear message. Wonderful story.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

In the opening paragraph you introduce the character without saying what he is doing.

"Height or penis?" LOL

I don't think you need to capitalize things like DEVICE and SCREEN. The first time you introduce "his latest invention" you should call it the device and describe it. If there is a word filling the screen, you should tell us what the word is.

Hmm. The Cornetto. An "inside" joke. I guess I will leave it to others to say if it's funny or not. In any case, most people will just scratch their heads.

I don't get the ending at all.

[2]

Bill Clar (Level 5)

"stopped cardboard doors from closing". Cardboard doors as in boxes?

The growth invention is unique. Wouldn't mind having one of those. Find those basketball prospects and train 'em while they're young! :-)

"You know what you should do" would work better as a question than a statement.

For the second scene, you have to show us that a week has gone by. Use a SUPER tag to tell the audience or show us Albert's beard growth.

A couple of grammar errors.

I like Albert and Philip. They have an interesting dynamic that's ripe with contrast.

The ending feels flat. I was hoping for more of a punchline other than Bill won the lottery.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, formatted well, I didn't spot any major typos or spelling errors.

I don't think you need to write 'one week latwr' or 'the next day' etc., just write the slugline.

Characters were good, you showed a good rapport between them, the dialogue was crisp too, I wasn't convinced about the 'height or penis' line, it seemed out of place in this script.

Action lines and descriptions kept thing moving at a nice pace.

I thought the beginning was better than the end, it seemed to lose its way a little.

Nice story.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Okay, maybe I missed something, but what was the point of this story? There's something about your descriptive writing that just threw me off a bit. For example, "with what looks like the first clothes he laid eyes upon" could mean the clothes look like a variety of ways. I'm assuming they're wrinkled, but then again, they could be pressed and hanging in his closet or they could stained with yesterday's pasta and so on and so on.

I did chuckle when Uncle Albert and Phillip were discussing Phillip's growth with a little rework I can imagine that bit as a real winner.

Other than that little gag, I don't understand what's the purpose of the protagnist and so on.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I was digging this up until the end, but I'm afraid I just don't understand the ending.

I'm not quite sure what that cub invention does and why he sells it and why his neighbor hits the lottery. It must all be connected, but I can't quite follow it.

I imagine with a small rewrite this could be very good.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

It's an interesting story, and original, but it looks like it got rushed.

"This new invention has gather more features, but has yet
looks no different from every other device."

It looks like this was changed and not quite cleaned up.

"Sparks fly with more intensity as Albert continues
grafting. With only his monocle for protection against the
rain of sparks."

I'm not sure what "grafting" is, as used here, or if that was the intended word.

The main problem for me was this:

The screen displays the words FIVE INCHES.

PHILIP
Five inches. What does that mean?

UNCLE ALBERT
That’s how much you have left to
grow. It’s an accurate measure of
how much you have left to grow.

Philip furrows his eyebrows.

PHILIP
Height or penis?

In this story that exchange was about as natural as an elephant repairing watches.

Where did that come from? That would be a remark of a complete 14 year-old smart ass to his 70 year-old uncle. You painted the kid as kind of a nerd, not really a rebellious smart ass. Sorry to dwell on it, but that kind of took me out of the story and it hard to get back in. Anyway that's my two cents.

Nice ending. Thanks for entering.

David M Troop (Level 4)

I am so confused. Perhaps Phillip can persuade Uncle Albert to invent something that can explain this screenplay to me.
Wait, Eureka! My invention will read the author's thoughts as you read the screenplay! "Hmm, how about I write about a machine that reveals your ultimate height. Naah. How about a silver cube that evaluates other machines? Naah. How about a machine that predicts the future? Naah. Oh, I have it! A machine that transports ...oops, page five. Fade Out."
"Mad As A Bat" needs to pick one idea and follow through with it. How about an invention that turns dog crap into gold?

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Really enjoyed the ideas you for the inventions in this. That was fun. I thought the characters were pretty well drawn as well.

I noticed under the slug for the basement we see " a week goes by" and also the "inventions gather more features". Those two things are hard to film and need to be shown more visually.

Good luck!

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Your character descriptions were good, except on each of the two main characters you add a pointless unfilmable trait like "beard that's thinning with age..." and "looks like the first clothes he laid eyes upon..." I also saw other unfilmable moments riddled throughout your script.

There were a few other small grammatical areas, maybe you rushed this in last minute? Also some slug issues -- you can show the passage of time in your slugs.

The story was pretty interesting, and I liked how you had the scientist's simple invention win someone else a fortune. But it really was very unclear which invention it was. But your final line redeems it, good job! Just work on tightening it up.

Also... It could use a different title. Mad as a Bat doesn't really work.

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

Overall the story displayed a unique protagonist, whom invented anything and everything. He's mad because he can't focus on completion and moves too quickly to the next invention. Plot, setting and dialogue went along smoothly. The characters were believable, as well as the story line. Formatting was great, there was a beginning, middle and end.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I'm a big fan of the "mad scientist" scenario where everything goes wrong. Unfortunately,the screenplay seems very unfocused and doesn't land anywhere concretely. It also comes to an unexplicably abrupt ending. The characters themselves have little or no personality although you have done a good job of defining their disheveled dress and hair. And their inventions lack a grand design that inspires and gripts the audience. I also question whether a nephew would realistically offer his risque "penis" comment to his uncle. Hope this criticism helps.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

An inventor invents an invention to tell him which of his inventions are worthy.

FAIR.

Awkward narrative and dialogue. The names used and situations remind me of SimplyScripts regulars. Predictable penis joke. The story wandered a bit.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

I like the title as it sets the mood and tone very well for this story. Your craft is good. The dialogue is fine and each character has a distintive voice. The action lines are mostly good but near the bottom of page two you write: "This new invention has gather more features, but has yet looks no different from every other device." I don't understand "has gather" or "has yet looks". Is that what you meant to write? One very minor point - at the top of page three in Philip's line "uncle" is not capitalized but should be. The story itself is good and I like that you worked in a bit of humor. That always makes for a more pleasant read.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I thought of penis too! Haha! That was pretty funny.

I don't get it. I can understand if it was the "The Time Machine" Then it would imply that uncle albert really does care and is about to go back in time and get that invention he sold to his neighbor back. But what does a a teleporter have to do with the story? Did I miss something?

It was a nice little story. Some people may complain about how you describe things. It's not the was people in the industry do it, but I understood what you were trying to say so I didn't mind.

Good job.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

The story never really went anywhere. The dialogue is awkwardly written and confusing at times. There is no way to film that this is an uncle and nephew until page 3. The descriptions of the devices are vague. The ending is rushed and doesn't really wrap anything up. Overall it was disappointing.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked your script but you left me wanting for more. The teleporter - is it a twist? If it is- then I do not understand what it relates to. I see that you intend it as a punchline - he says it at the end and in a way that makes me think it's an important line. I don't understand what it means though. I wish I did.
So half of his inventions do not work? I understood the script but few points should be strengthened I think. It's still a good script, I think.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

There's a sweetness between Uncle Albert and his 14-year-old nephew, Philip. All those interesting inventions. Uncle Albert's a busy guy.
There's so many new items that they become the focus of the story, as opposed to a simple story with a beginning, middle and end. Uncle Albert sells "The Predictor" to his neighbor Bill, Philip tells Albert that Bill has won the lottery, and Albert immediately introduces a new product, "The Transporter." Might streamline the story a bit.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the idea of him inventing an invention that tells him which inventions are good, but even that one doesn't work properly.

There were a few grammatical errors and typos, and I had to read this sentence a few times for it to make sense to me: "This new invention has gather more features, but has yet looks no different from every other device." An extra proof-reading glance over by yourself or a friend would catch these easy.

Some of the dialogue was too formal, such as "What is it you have to show me?" If he was talking to his uncle he'd more likely say "What do you want to show me?"

This was an interesting idea, but I'm not sure where it was going or where it went. All of his inventions seem really high tech (with screens, scanners, and so on) and would be really expensive to make, so I don't know why he'd be willing to sell something like that for five bucks. The parts alone would be worth more than that. It's cool that he's still inventing at the end, but I don't know why The Teleporter is so significant (t would be significant if it worked, but then so would an invention that predicted the future).

Good.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

While I thought the story was ok, I thought it was written in a clumsy manner. Dialogue like:

Hey uncle Albert. What is it you
have to show me?

is completely unnecessary and should be removed.

Furthermore Philip doesn't think his uncles inventions work so for him to believe the invention valuator works on face value doesn't follow. Believably was an issue.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I liked the pace of this. It didn't rush, but kept me engaged. I can't help feeling that I am missing something, though as I didn't get the significance of the last line or the title.

I guess I'll have to wait for the results so someone sharper than me can explain.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Nothing much happens does there? I mean, we see things happen, but...it all has NO dramatic impact. Nobody has any emotion, there's no fun or despair. You don't have to have an action packed thing, but nobody seems to care. All so passive.

What if he was searching through the clutter in a panic? Or somebody got mad at the garage sale, or what if he went mad with laughter sometimes. I dunno.

The story is just way too passive.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This one gets a Good from me even though I felt a bit let down at the end. I felt it was very anticlimactic. Uncle Albert invents a lot for the sake of just inventing stuff. Philip shows up. They chit chat. Bill buys the predictor and wins the lotto. We don't see this so we can't share in any of the emotions. We just hear about it. Then Albert goes on and invents more things. Nothing happened here. Other than Bill's fortune, but he's such a small part of the story that it has no impact whatsoever.

Something should happen to either Albert or Philip IMHO. Not some minor character we know even less than them.

You definitely stuck to this month's challenge so good on you for that. :)

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This has so much potential but you just let it fizzle away like that and it's a shame because you sure can draw great visuals and the imagination with the devices was really cool.

There are also a few elements that need to be elaborated upon as they feel forced into a screenplay. For example, "A week goes by and Uncle Albert looks as if he hasn’t moved
from his spot." Neither do we see a time transition, nor some indication of this through shots, or dialog.

As for the plot, what this needs is for you to establish how Uncle and Nephew are still together despite their differences. There's your inherent human conflict and I wish this could've been elaborated upon by you.

This needs a polish, a re-write some more thought for expanding or re-working this into a human drama set in a sci-fi situation. The inventions being worked in, alone has some great potential for originality in your script and I want you to give it more thought.

Don't let a premise like this or your skills as a writer stagnate!

Nice title, good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

How do we know that Peter is his nephew? Show not tell. Also how do we know these are the first clothes that Peter lays eyes on?

On page two, can you show something that shows passage of time. Maybe empty food containers, but Albert is still at his bench working.

Do you mean, Philip screws up his face? Pay attention to lines like this, 'screws his face' makes no sense.

The story idea, I think is good, this old man who has so many inventions, he doesn't know what to do with them, etc. Trimming it would help. Also I do like the relationship between Albert and Philip. They are good together, I picture a surly Jack Nicholson type and a Michael Cera for the kid.

So good story, just needs a little work to make it stronger.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This didn't feel like a fully fleshed out story - more like an idea in its early stages.

Characters don't feel unique. Your mad scientist is pretty standard and the kid doesn't stand out.

The story itself doesn't really go anywhere. His inventions aren't very good so he invents something that says which ones he should keep. That invention doesn't work and tells him to sell something that apparently does work as his neighbour wins the lottery (which may well be just luck anyway). I don't get the end with his new invention really either.

All in all, a pretty well written collection of scenes but, for me, not a particularly well worked story.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This was slow moving, bordering on dull. Lots of description of stuff like boxes and clothing that don't add to the plot and sucked the air right out of the story. Yawn. The ending was particularly unexciting when it could have had a lot more impact.

The characters are all pretty weak and uninteresting; the relationship between Uncle Albert and his nephew this could use an injection of some drama or conflict. Bill, the neighbor is poorly constructed. No age reference or personality at all. He could be anybody.

I suggest rethinking this story in a stronger context; who is this really about? what is the problem? how is the problem resolved? or unresolved? Create a stronger dynamic between the characters.

Get rid of the editorial in the exposition, ie "They’ve become a spiders best hideout" uh - do we actually see any spiders hiding? Do we need them? This is superfluous commentary. "A week goes by and Uncle Albert looks as if he hasn’t moved from his spot" add a title (one week later).

The title also made no sense, Uncle Albert did not strike me as all that mad.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Some of your descriptions and general writing is quite awkward here. Some typos you need to fix too. How are we supposed to know a week has gone by? How do we know this is where his completed masterpieces rest? You don't introduce Bill properly.

I don't really get your ending, what is it supposed to signify? It also just seems to stop suddenly as it doesn't end on a clear high note, so you need to signify the end with Fade Out or something similar. But overall this was only a fair for me. I also don't understand the significance of the title.

Comments Made After the Contest

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4) ~ 9/11/2011 9:02 AM

Hi,

I probably should explain this script. A bit late I know.

I noticed that there wasn't a genre attached, and a lot of the comments were based on people expecting a drama. This is not a drama.

All this is, is an inventor who continuously invents. The cube invention was to determine what inventions he could get rid of, and what to keep. The invention itself not working as he sells an invention that actually works.

His last invention, which by description in the beginning was unfinished, and to be honest, I had no idea what he was making whilst writing it. Then I had that epiphany where Albert can teleport the 'predictor' device away from his neighbour.

Also, as teleporters can bend space & time. It wouldn't be far-fetched to think he can go back in time and stop that invention from being sold.

Yeah, I can see now I've made a few typos. But feel a lot of the poor ratings were harsh. In comparison to other scripts.

This was just a fun script, not a serious script.

Gary spotted I was a simplyscripts regular. I used Cornetto as a joke, to throw people off and think I was a MoviePoet regular. Haven't really posted here. And I've used Michael's name and Cornetto and the food topic in a previous script. Was thinking you'd spot me.

This script was actually much longer but had to shorten sentences by using smaller words, and cutting out action et cetera to make the five page limit.

Aw well, nevermind.

I guess I should of killed someone. Might of got a better result.

J

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 9/11/2011 9:30 AM

Hi Javier, Welcome to MP. It's a tough crowd. I get some poors every time and I know my writing is not poor, so don't take it too hard. I would've rated this higher if I could have sorted out the ending and how it related to the rest of the script. Also, as for the Cornetto joke, I thought at the time it might be in poor taste. I wanted to let Cornetto decide that... but he seems not to have noticed it.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4) ~ 9/11/2011 12:15 PM

Hello Basil, more like welcome back. I've mentioned Mr Cornetto a few times in my scripts, that he has read. He knows my humour and it's quite quirky. The ending is just simply, with each new invention its suppose to be bigger and better.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4) ~ 9/12/2011 2:23 PM

That's weird, my script isn't viewable as the last script comment. I wonder if this is a mod thing?

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 9/13/2011 3:53 AM

Javier, it's not a mod thing. Chris has programmed the comments section so that you won't see your own comment if it's the last one.

All other members can see it though.

This is convenient as whenever anyone replies to your comment you know about it on the home page itself.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 9/14/2011 5:26 AM

I did notice my name being used in vain and I was taken slightly aback. However, being that I wrote my own script about someone else and I didn't know who wrote this one, I had to step back and distance myself from any emotion I was feeling about it -- at least until I found out who wrote the script.

Who writes a script that mentions you matters a great deal, although it might not logically seem so -- well at least I find myself in that situation. However, when I found out the script was written by Javier, I was cool with it. Javier can lampoon me in a script if he wants to though I would prefer it if he didn't do it in anonymous contests. :-)

And a word to the wise, unless you work really hard at not offending people when using them in a script -- be careful about who you use and if at all possible get their permission first.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 9/14/2011 5:38 PM

"Who writes a script that mentions you matters a great deal, although it might not logically seem so"
I totally understand. That's kind of the reason I didn't write in my review that it was definitely in poor taste... I was just thinking it might have been... mostly depending on whether you found it funny or not. And I figured at least part of whether you would find it funny would depend on your connection to the writer.
Anyway, glad it wasn't offensive. Group hug? ;D

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4) ~ 9/17/2011 7:30 AM

Yeah, I was thinking I was running a risk doing this anonymously. I knew if my name was on the script Michael would be okay, but wasn't 100% doing this way. Ah well.