Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

That's a pretty sweet story actually, a happy ending as Sally is given Matthew, some one who needs her love and care. So she ends up happy even if she didn't get what she asked for. Ironic ending.

I find very little to fault, just a great screenplay!

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

Oh man, that is sweet. Oh don't cry dangit. Oh too late.

I would have never guessed TWO people would make me cry with ONE page scripts!

It is a MUCH bigger accomplishment to make me cry than it is to make me laugh.

The message in this is so true. The Universe (as I would put it) answers prayers in sometimes unexpected but perfect ways. Or as Mick Jagger sang: "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well you just might find you get what you need."

Well nothing much to say except, Bravo!

[5]

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, no formatting issues, spelling and grammar was good.

Nice story, told well with some well written action sequences and dialogue.

Nice story of a mother's love for her child regardless of its disabilites.

Good

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I like the overall message here. I like it a lot. But I think the telling of the story is a little too sappy. Besides the kids in the sandbox looking away from Matthew, are there other kinds of struggles you could show? I imagine there are far more difficult things to handle when raising a child with Down Syndrome than little kids looking away from him in a playground. That's just a thought.

My biggest struggle, and it's not much of a struggle as it is a question, is trying to imagine where Sally was in her life when she got pregnant. Mrs. Peterson's line, "He gives us what we need" is the crux of the script, but I can't see how this applies to Sally because I don't know where she was in her life before Matthew. What did Sally need? That, to me, is the more interesting point to show.

It seemed odd that a teacher, or school, would teach this lesson about god, unless it is a private school, which it could be, but that wasn't made clear.

Good job.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and formatted pretty well but the story is very thin here. Basically, a mom wants a healthy baby, gets one with a disability but ends u p still being happy with the result. I don't know... It's just a little ordinary. There are no surprises there.

Nice work and good luck!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

A sweet story, though I found the speech at the end very preachy. I think we gathered the message without being TOLD it in this way. Could you SHOW it somehow instead?

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Ahhh, that's dripping with niceness. I can't really complain about anything. Nice job.... Ok, you spent one page to tell us you don't get what you want, but what you need. Ok, but we never really learned how the woman felt, so it was like 'yes, I agree, your point?' if there was some arc, some doubt that finally made this woman realize 'Yes! You're right' it might've had a bigger impact. That may be impossible to achieve in one page.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is very sweet.

It's a little on the nose towards the end. I wish you were SHOWING us this message instead of TELLING us.

Still, I enjoyed this and I thought you did a great job of creating this beautiful mother and son bond.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I like the concept of this story. But it's an emotional story told unemotionally. This is her answered prayer, God's gift, the joy of her life, and everything in this story comes across as matter-of-fact, in my opinion.

"A NURSE hands Sally a swaddled infant with Down’s Syndrome
facial characteristics, MATTHEW."

That's a scene without conflict. Think how much more powerful it could be, if (for example) the NURSE obviously thinks the baby is damaged goods and is in a hurry to be rid of him. The mother (on the other hand) who's beaming, gently takes him in her arms and kisses him.

"Matthew (1) COUGHS. CRIES. Sally leans over the crib and
picks him up. He stops crying."

Once again, it's like an observer that doesn't quite understand human emotion is describing a series of events.

I imagine the point of the scene is that she is there for him. He cries in the darkness, she finds the light -- gets out of bed -- holds him in her arms -- walks the floor. Sings to him. Everything is okay in his world because his mother loves him.

I like the sandbox scene. Finally there's conflict. It could use a little emotion boost, but that's my opinion. It works.

"MRS. PETERSON
We learned that God answers all of
our prayers though not always the
way we expect and that’s because
instead of giving us what we want,
He gives us what we need.

Sally smiles and bends to meet Matthew’s gaze.

SALLY
So true, so true."

Is MRS. PETERSON really teaching a five-year-old, Down's Syndrome kid all of that or is she preaching to the audience?

"God answers prayers; not always what
we want, sometimes it's what we need."

Doesn't SALLY ever hug him? Tell her to hug him right now.

I went on an on but I gave you points for a good story idea, and rated it higher than what it sounds like from my comments.

Thanks for entering. Good luck.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Nicely done, I liked everything about this story except the final line which, imho, could be cut because Sally's facial expression and body language would convey all of the emotion that we need to know for that moment. Very touching little story. I think you accomplished exactly what you set out to do and did so in under a page, no small feat. I gave "Answered Prayer" an excellent.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Really don’t need Sally’s first line about her hope for a healthy baby. In fact, I think it detracts from the intended impact of the piece. I know it hits the title but I think it's too right on the mark. Her prayer could be silent and captured visually.

I like the changing time and age, think it works well. The mother’s assistance in scooping sand I thought was a touching moment. It said a lot about her love and involvement in her son’s life.

The last few lines were a bit too predictable and safe for me. Nice comments, but I think a little action, similar to the sand pail event, maybe from the teacher, might have made this a more interesting story. Something to show that the child is in good hands with the teacher because she has the same love for the child as does the mother. Or even something opposite, though I think the author wanted a positive story here.

David Serra (Level 4)

A very affectionate story with a strong moral and likeable characters. Mrs. Peterson reminds me of a teacher I had when I was in high school. I also like the fact that it is said that God always answers our prayers, but not always in the way we expect.

Well done.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This gets an Awwwww from me and even an Excellent.

The pace kept going and the story as sweet as can be. Matthew stole my heart and I am sure this is going to do well.

The formatting, pace and tone was perfect.

Good luck!

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Nice. This is touching and the title is perfect. The time jumps were a little abrupt at first, but after the third one, they read well.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

You convey a clear, touching story with a strong message in less than a page. That is a feat in itself.

No grammatical or formatting errors to speak of.

Maybe you could've described his Down Syndrome a little better... maybe a brief paragraph or set of dialogue with the nurse/doctor informing Sally of her son's defect.

Either way, this should do really well. It's an EXCELLENT from me.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

I think it should be parent's rather than children who look askance at Matthew.

And it would be better if the message were shown through the actions of Matthew, an incident that shows him learning something that transmits through him to his mother. As it stands it comes across to me as preachy. The father might learn it, also.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

... with Down’s Syndrome facial characteristics... What? I don't know what that looks like. You probably need a doctor or nurse telling her this, but yeah, I understand the shortcut for space limitation.

Basically sounds like more religious "feel good" propaganda. A crisp read, well written, visually precise, good job altogether.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

This script is so personal, I have a hard time judging it.

I will leave it at this: If this is your personal experience, then I am so happy that you've written this script. It's a journal entry that dwarfs the importance of this contest.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A mother prays for a healthy child.

The message was good but delivered almost like a sermon by the teacher. No need for the last line. Let a visual work for you: show us her smile, the kid's face and fade.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Perfect title for this story. Your craft is flawless. The dialogue is good and seems natural and realistic for these characters. Your action lines are clear and concise. The story itself is very heartwarming. People with Downs Syndrome children often talk about how upset they were when they found out but what sweet and loving children they turned out to be. Invariably, they would not change a thing about them. So it is wonderful that you were able to capture all that in a one pager.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Wow! Indeed, God gives us what we need. No doubt about that.

Realistic script! Good job!

James Hughes (Level 5)

This seems like too big of a topic to tackle in one page. Whether the topic is down syndrome or the concept that god gives you what you need not necessarily what you want.

I felt like I got too little on either of these points for it to have a real impact on me. Why did the mom need a child with down syndrome? She agrees with the quote at the end which means she agrees her struggles with the child was what she needed? Why is that?

Jumping from scene to scene didn't leave me with enough at any point to get invested in the characters and their situation beyond how I would feel if someone mentioned the topic to me. I am thinking you could find a singular instance where the mother dealt with a situation. And through that action, your story could hint at a history of what they have gone through and point to the place the mother has arrived to accept their situation. This might give you more basis to develop the characters and make the viewer feel their situation more emotionally.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Would have been much better if you described Sally as an out of control party animal, then gradually showed her cleaning her appearance up, because the end doesn't really make any sense. Why did Sally NEED a baby with down syndrome? It just doesn't add up unless you show why.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

Its almost too preachy but I think it managed to stay a quality story. It felt rushed but I guess that's almost unavoidable. A good if difficult story to read.

Josh Gonzalez (Level 3)

Why did Sally need to have a child with Down's Syndrome? How has she changed in the past five years? Sally prayed for a healthy child. Was she being selfish for this? If she had prayed for an athlete would god have sent her a child with musical talent instead so she could learn sports wasn't so important after all?

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked it although I do think it went a bit too fast. She wishes him to be healthy and then a cut back to him being born with a down's syndrome - that's a bit too fast and coincidental. I think you need some conversation at the beginning to make it valid. Maybe someone asking her if she wants a boy or a girl and she replies "a healthy child". --just a suggestion.
I understand it's a one pager only. Very Good from me.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I love the story and I love meaning of the story.(I've always said that) I know this is one page but I feel something should have been added at the beginning for a little bit of background or info.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Lovely and sweet message.
Might be stronger if Mrs. Peterson's dialogue and Sally gazing at Matthew is the ending, instead of Sally's "So true, so true." Could probably condense Mrs. Peterson's lines a little too without losing the essence.
The title is wonderful.

Kristen Alario (Level 2)

Touching story. Formatting and scene description was good. I found the story more sad then uplifting. Being a mom, I understand the concept of the story. You conveyed the meaning of the story in a clear and meaningful way.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Very sweet...as are all of the Down's children I have ever met. :)

Very Good job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like how you fit many complete moments or scenes into one page.

I'm not sure how Sally's prayers were answered if Matthew did have Down's Syndrome. It seems like a sentimental ending forced at the expense of logic, although I could be missing something.

Good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This is nice. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy.

I thought it was executed well, but I could kind of see where it was going. But maybe a twist or surprise ending is not always the point.

Nick Cawthra (Level 1)

A delightful short script that made me go 'awwwww' at the end. I like the pace and rhythm of the piece and the idea works well within it. This is a good example of how a simple idea doesn't have to have twists and humor within it to allow it to stand out. Fitting five years of a life onto one page and even allowing us to care for the character is also no easy feat. Loved it.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Strong writing! Maybe it's just me, but I almost let a tear out at the end. What makes it well written is you build sympathy for both Sally and Matthew right from the start, makes me wonder "what's next? what's the ending?"
I wish I could write like you. Excellent!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I dunno about the moral of this story, the message is pretty harsh actually.
But I do feel it is well written, strong entry with absolute clear visusls and good understanding of pace.

Must have been hard to put a wish, a birth and the school situation on one page.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

It's hard to critique a story that has a boy with Down's Syndrome in it. I have to say this all felt a little too righteous in the end. Sally's character doesn't arc very much. She seems like a good mother from the beginning and ends as one. Considering the circumstances, there's actually not much conflict here.

Good.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is well-written, and you managed to fit six years worth of two lives into one page, which is a major accomplishment. It's a sweet, if somewhat saccharine, piece, but the center holds and I get the message loud and clear.

The whole thing builds to Mrs. Peterson's last line. That means it has to really hit me in the gut. It's pretty long and tangled as a line, so it trips over itself, losing most of its power. Also, I wish it were Matthew delivering the line. He might have to be older, but if he doesn't say it, he's not really a person in the script; he becomes the object of Sally's story, rather than a participant in it.

Incidentally, it doesn't help that this exact same premise is set in poem form on my pediatricians' office wall (and probably many others as well), called "Perfect". I'm not suggesting you know it, but I think it's well known enough that your piece doesn't stand out enough.

Still, it's got a lot of heart.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This was a touching story.

My only question with it though is Mrs. Peterson's comment in the end about God answers all prayers, but might not give us what we want, but rather what we need. My question is, why do Sally need a kid with Down Syndrome? I didn't really get that part. Maybe I'm dense... It would probably have made more sense if Sally somehow was shown as being a selfish person for example and wanting everything to be about her and then she has her son and she has to shift all her attention to him and put herself second, but learns to love him more than anything despite his disability.

Still a good story though. :)

R. L. Robinson (Level 3)

Praying for a healthy baby and having a healthy baby with a mental retardation was interesting. The way that the sandbox subtlety speaks to the overall conundrum the handicap and their family members face day in and day out along with how the other children look but don't touch was a great addition. Well played name of the school. Good job!!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I admire the sentiment and think this is a sweet story but it rings a little too on-the-nose. It almost comes across as a brief advertisement for tolerance or awareness about down syndrome. We don't get to know what's unique about Matthew or his mom, so we're left with a stereotype that we can't connect or bond with. I was hoping for a twist at the end that Matthew succeeded at something despite his birth condition. The underdog success story is also a bit cliche but it demonstrates how one can overcome an obstacle with unique skill and dedication and that always makes good drama.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought this was a sweet story. A little cheesy at the end and it felt incomplete somehow. I don't know what I expected, but I felt that the story sort of lost it's punch at the end.

Having a handicapped child is a difficult thing, and I do believe that we are able to handle what comes our way.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

The ending to this one kind of ruined the story for me. I really liked it until the teacher's mini-diatribe which explains the entire meaning of the story when it would've been alot more powerful if it would've just ended with her hugging her son or something like that. That paragraph of "Here's the moral of the story" really, really detracted from the overall enjoyment.

Beyond that, the grammar was mostly fine. Same with the formatting. It's a shame I can only give this story a...

Good.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This is really sweetly written.

And unless I miss my guess, it was inspired by a recent news article about Sarah Palin.

If not, my bad. Life imitates art, right?

I think you could have had a better ending line for Sally, though. Kind of an anti-climax. Would have felt better if the teacher said something and Sally was the one to utter that wonderful sentiment.

This is: Very Good.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I'm sorry but I rolled my eyes and just had to cringe here. Very cheesy. The writing was really good though and the pacing was top-notch. But the story, yeah, you gotta tone the glurge down a bit.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

This is a very sentimental scene with a very cliche ending. You did capture a lot in one page, but the ending is just too overdone. Maybe if you showed the mother not being so happy with Matthew only to understand in the end, that could work a little better, but it would still be a cliche.

William Flink (Level 3)

hmm very good!
I think you pretty much managed to tell a complete story within one page!
Written well, good dialog, story. I don't have anything else to add actually! :)

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

A bit too sweet for my taste -- and preachy, but I suppose that's the point.

Good use of time lapse, simple yet effective.

Is the name of the school so important that it has to be mentioned?

Nothing I noticed in terms of typos and other errors.

Comments Made After the Contest