Comments Made During the Contest

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

I like where you were going with this, but I didn't understand the ending. Why does he throw the pictures in the fire? All we know is that "An old stubbornness reclaims itself in his eyes." Why? Your screenwriting format is good, though. I think this would be a more complete story if it was longer. It just doesn't seem to fit as a stand-alone one page. I'd like to see a rewrite... maybe some brief backstory to why this guy works so much and is "anti-family."

Also, minor point, but why would anyone leave precious photos like that in an apartment? Even if the owners passed away, wouldn't they go to a family member? Best of luck!

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I really liked the effect that this box of memorabilia had on Norton, and how he was so engrossed in it...but I didn't understand what prompted him to revert to his old self at the very end. Great premise for a short, short film.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

First impression: lots of text relative to the average screenplay, not a lot of white on the page. A reader will hesitate to start reading, and try to find a reason to toss the screenplay.

In the first action paragraph: "one last time before new tenants move in." That is an "unfilmable". The reader of your script can read it, but the director will have no way of showing that on screen. You should only write what you can see and hear on screen. If the story is only clear with that information, and the director can not show that information somehow, then the audience will not be able to follow your story.

You have the pictures and letters tear him up. That is not believable. Unfortunately, most people watch on television how millions of people are slaughtered in an African war without shedding a tear. A few pictures like that wouldn't soften up a grumpy old man like that.

You indicate the pictures change him, he becomes less grumpy, but then he changes back into his old self again. So nothing changes. This is an old grumpy man, at the beginning and at the end. He's unfriendly to his wife so I am not rooting for him to be happy any way, but still.

I did feel the loss as these pictures were thrown into the fire... Always sad when personal belongings disappear in a fire.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

"cruelly" isn't necessary. Try to show (which you did) not tell.

Oh man. Another dark one.

I like how this character almost has a change of heart. Then can't quite do it.

The image of the picture burning was haunting.

VERY GOOD!

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, no formatting issues, spelling and grammar was good.

Nice story, told well with some well written action sequences.

It was going well until the end then it lost me.

Good

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm not exactly sure what's going on here. Part of me is thinking the photos are his and his wife's, but that doesn't make a lot of sense. It might help to know what photo he keeps and puts in his jacket (who's in? what is it of? etc)

This is a little bit wordy in the descriptions. I think it could be made leaner and it would read a little better.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written, formatted and paced pretty well.

The story was decent, but I think it would have been better with the tender ending. Normally, that wouldn't be thing, but in this script it felt approriate and could have potentially bumped you up a score in my book. In any event, this is a pretty well done script.

Overall, not a whole lot I see that needs work with the exception of the ending, which I mentioned above. Nice work and good luck!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I like the idea you have here - now work on the craft of screenplay writing to make it shine.

Norton - should be capitalised when he first appears.

INT. EMPTY APARTMENT - DAY stomps through an empty apartment - why repeat the information?

one last time before new tenants move in - how can we possibly know this?

You overuse adverbs - telling us more than you show us.

Still, a good story.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Not sure how looking through so many photos, then reading a letter, plays out on the screen while we watch in silence. We don't get enough information to know why the man is grumpy, who the photos are of, or why they briefly change his demeanor. Need more information so we can care as well as understand.
Think you have the makings of something here, just doesn't seem like you can fit it on a page, which in turn makes it seem very disjointed.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Notes:
- How do you hang up cruelly. Avoid those words ending in 'ly', they aren't visually descriptive.

Not sure what was really happening, there was no emotional bond, we just watched some guy throw pictures into a fire. This really needs to be fleshed out.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I really like this a lot.

It's a wonderfully mysterious character study. I want to know what is in that one photo. A hint at why he is moved. Is it someone he knows or just something about the photo?

Still, this is very intriguing as is. Very well done.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I liked the idea of this story, but it looks really hard to put it one page and it seemed like a lot of this was more telling than showing. For example:

"Norton opens a closet. Hidden away on a shelf is a box. He
snatches it with annoyance. Inside, hundreds of old photos
and letters from the previous tenants, most decades old."

That's telling us a lot of stuff that can't really be shown on the screen in a short shot. Maybe it's sufficient for us to know that we have a large box full of pictures and letters. Later on, you tell us/show us what they are anyway.

"With grumpy effort, Norton bends down. He pauses as two
lives begin to unfold through the photos . . .

Young children in 1927. A young man and woman with dark hair
are at the beach. The man in uniform. The couple getting
married. A new house. She’s pregnant. Kids.
Vacations. Graduations. Weddings. Grand kids. Retirement."

You're telling us a lot that will be really hard to get across in a short film. I think you just need a more general description: "He trips, sending the the box crashing, scattering the images of two lives, a man and woman, on the floor". That's still hard to show, but it's a little more doable.

"Later, a large swirl of photos and open letters surround
Norton as he sits on the floor. Mesmerized by one last
photo, he places it in his jacket. He brushes away a tear."

I really like this paragraph, but it's a shift in time, it needs it own slugline.

INT. DARK INCINERATOR ROOM - LATER

I sound negative, but I really like this story.

Good luck. Thanks for entering.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Well written. I was pleased with the character ARC and then in a twist, he was back to his old, calous self.

I think this was done well.

I don't like to write for other writers, but the use of the word "darling" someone does not fit in the vocab of a building super. Something maybe a bit more informal would work better.

Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

So much going on here. This is really a touching, beautiful story, and, I'm afraid, gives away that you're a little "more experienced in life" than the average Movie Poet writer. The feelings of apathy, nostalgia, regret that come out of this make it special. Good job!

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

This is well written with no formatting errors.

I started off not liking Norton, he came across as a grumpy old man. And in the end, he still was. I didn't believe his sudden change of heart... and then I didn't believe his second change either. The story was just kinda flat for me.

It's well written and receives a good rating from me

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

Formatting and settings are appropriate. There was a beginning, middle and end. It was evident that the main character was full of negative emotions, unexplained anger. Seeing through his eyes the photos from the past life of others touched him and from that he understood how his short responses and grumpy attitude reflected on his own happiness. Overall the point was made, one could actually visualize their own ending of how the character would now treat his wife and possibly himself. It's the little things in life we treasure the most, such as photo.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

The description could be more clear; it is not cosistently written in the active tense; and there are 'show, not tell' issues.

'a superintendent' is he uniformed?

'His phone rings' A cell phone is inferred but; 'hangs up' does not seem the best description of terminating a call. To cut off a call 'cruelly' implies an intention, it is not an action that can be described.

'starts reading' reads

'snatches it with annoyance' snatches implies annoyance.

I think the story would be improved if we were given a clue as to why Norton is so intransigent; 'old stubbornness reclaims itself'. Perhaps there is a photo amongst all the others that might give this clue?

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Can't know that Norton is managing an apartment. They could be his photos for all I know. However, that can be taken care of in a rewrite.

Seems depressing from what I see from Norton. Written well, good job.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

One of the hallmarks of the one-pager contest at MP is characters that make decisions that seem to come out of nowhere...snap changes in mood or attitude, simply because the writer doesn't have ROOM to show a slow, thought out, change of heart by a character.

The result is what I refer to as "Kodak Commercial" moments where, for example, a dispicably grumpy old man can find a box of someone elses crap and, one blurry timelapse transition later, be wiping a solitary tear off his cheek.

You even pull a double whammy reverse by taking a guy that has just suddenly become a teary tenderheart and BLAM...FAKE OUT!...he burns the box that taught him to speak kindly to his wife literally seconds before. Why? Why did he do that?

I'm not saying that this kind of transition is IMPOSSIBLE, I'm saying that it is highly unlikely, which is why it is VITAL that you give us clues early on that this type of transition is possible...that this man is somehow waiting...NEEDING...to be touched in this way. But that this man DESPISES that emotion as weakness and revolts against it.

Boy that's a tall order in a one-pager. That's tough to do in a FEATURE, you know?

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

An apartment superintendant finds a box of photos in an empty apartment

The return of the man's stubbornness felt wrong. It's hard to convey emotion with a phone call. The superintendant's arc was too much to be believed. Maybe if he asked her to lunch that would be enough to signal a change.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title is appropriate for the story and your craft is flawless. As for the story, well, sorry but I just don't get it. I know in a one pager we need to sometimes read beyond the page but I don't understand Norton's behavior. I don't understand why he is cruel then nice, then cruel again. I'm not sure if the couple in the photos is himself and his wife or another couple that he is jealous of. But this is well written and overall it is good.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Somewhat joyful garnished with sorry and anguish. Felt likewise for a friend with a step-dad. Realistic script you have there.

Congrats.

James Hughes (Level 5)

How would we know that this is the superintendent stomping through the empty apartment one last time before new tenants move in? That is a lot of info that i wouldn't get from watching someone walk through an empyt room. We also wouldn't know whose pictures those are.

I don't get this ending or what is driving him to behave this way? Why is he mad at the photos? What about that last one he put into his shirt? The title is last picture but I don't know what that last picture was or its importance.

I like the story about a grumpy man who comes across a box of photos that makes him reassess his attitude. But the beginning doesn't show us what you are saying with your words so I think the viewer would be confused. I didn't really know why these pictures would have such an impact on him. I think there must be something about him that would open him up for this but that would need to be developed. And then finally, there doesn't appear to be any cause for why he has that sudden relapse back to being angry.

James McConnell (Level 3)

I'm not sure what the writer was saying with this, We have a Norton finding photos and seemingly rediscovering his love for his wife but is then thrown back to his former self without any reason. We see that the photos changed him but what turned him back to his stubborn self?

A few formatting points:

How can we see that he is inspecting for new tenants? We can only see him inspecting the apartment.

The wife should be O.S. and not V.O. Voiceover is used for narration.

There is a time cheat here where the word "Later" is used. This should be another slugline or sub-slug.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Hm... I was really liking this until the end. I just don't get it. Why would Norton do that? Even if he did, WHY didn't you show the last picture? I thought the last picture was going to make this script perfect once you revealed it, but instead, Norton does something odd, and you never show it to us.

Sigh.

I had high hopes...

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Ooh, a nice solid name to this one.

I see what you were trying to do with this script, but I think there are a few problems impeding it from being as good as it could be.

Firstly, I don't think most people would know that police officers inspect apartments between tennants, I didn't know and the only way I found out was through something stated in your script that couldn't actually be seen on screen, "Norton (60s), a superintendent, stomps through an empty apartment one last time before new tenants move in", the audience can see him stomping but wouldn't know why he is where he is.

Also, I think the fact that he's moved to tears by the photos is a bit unrealistic, especially since he pretty quickly shakes it off.

However, you certainly know how to write dramatically, well done for that.

Jo Gates (Level 3)

The emotional 180--and then another 180 for the final twist--is a lot to show in one page. The two phone calls and the story's action convey it, although I found it a touch too sentimental.

A lot of the action description is novel-style, stating things that can't be seen, are interpretations, or need to be shown in ways that aren't described. This includes everything from "one last time before new tenants move in" to the last sentence. This is the main problem with the script. The story is solid (if, as I said, more sentimental than I prefer). All of the opening information could be conveyed in a couple lines of dialogue, if Norton snarls at his wife why he's busy, describing what he's doing. It may make him less curt, but possibly no less cruel.

The last idea, though, could be accomplished by saying only what shows on the screen--ending with "flame."

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

I didnt really understand what was Happening here and I think that's a shame. The " later" device didn't really work so it just seemed like a immediate reaction. Yes, this may be an issue for the director bit I belie the screenwriter should try and allude to the type of transition that would compliment th narrative.

Josh Gonzalez (Level 3)

What was on the last photo that mesmerized Norton? What's in the letter he reads? Why does a total strangers memories affect him this way? Why is he being nasty to his wife? What is he being stubborn about? Since he torched the box of photos and letters does that mean he's going to keep being mean to his wife?

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's well written, I think.
I did not understand why he threw all those pictures in the fire. I think it's important that we know who he sees on the pictures, what these people on the pictures mean for him. Maybe you'll need more pages for that, or maybe you could cut on the description some in this one.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I like the story line but I don't like his sudden change of tenderness to being stubborn again. I think maybe you made Norton too mean, for instance at the end maybe he could of paused then hesitated before dumping the box. All in all it's still a great story. Good job

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Unexpected twist. Thought Norton would feel the impact of the former tenants' pictures beyond his loving return phone call. Guess not. Suppose he is still a grumpy, cruel old guy after all. Am surprised to be rather irritated at Norton, especially when considering poor "Norton's Wife."
The story elicits a response, albeit negative, and that's a good thing. Proves that it's going to take more than a sappy box of old photos to cause this disgruntled superintendent to feel differently. Well done.

Kristen Alario (Level 2)

Very touching story. I wasn't expecting him to throw away the pictures. I assumed his sentimental side would prevail. Having him throw the photos away added unexpected emotion. Scene descriptions were very good and easily imagined.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Not bad, though I'm not sure how I'm going to know "...old stubbornness reclaims itself in his eyes." visually. I'm not sure that last bit is even necessary, aside from getting a nice final image. Based on his final act, I almost wonder if it might have been better for him to 'relive' the photo couple's life and decide his own life sucked even more than he thought. So, rather than call his 'Darling' back to be sweet, he would be even worse to her.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like how Norton's character changes, but you avoid a sentimental ending.

"I’m coming home now, my Darling."
I think the "my Darling" might be too much of a change from his previous dialogue.

Good.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

Why did the old man suddenly revert to his old ways after his epiphany? Why burn the photos and letters? Why save one and what was it a photo of? Too many questions left unanswered in an otherwise creative idea.

Look at editing your descriptions, or breaking them into specific actions. A good edit will shorten this quite a bit...and you'll have room to give us some answers.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This is really very good.

I like a story that you have to think and re-read to get the full impact. This is one of those stories.

Excellent work.

Nick Buss (Level 1)

A nice idea but could have been executed better - I felt the comic potential of the end bit was wasted. For example would have preferred it if he had tipped the box into the fire whilst still appearing to be in a state of lamentation, to show that even when this guy is at his most vulnerable emotionally he's still more than capable of being a complete bastard. Would have made more sense than his final dramatic mood swing. Have read worse though.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Sorry, it has been well writren but i dont fully get it. A little too confusing at the end, has he turned sweet now or was that only just a beat?

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I'm wondering what Norton's problem is?

I think this could've worked with the happy ending with Norton realizing the error of his ways and going home to his wife. The ending now is very grounded in reality, as most people quickly revert back to their old ways.

You convey a lot of set-up information in the screenplay that I'm not sure could translate onto the screen. This is a fairly easy fix, though.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It gets to a tender-hearted place, with the grumpy old man moved to tears by the memories of strangers. The threat of the incinerator hangs over the piece as nice visual stakes. I don't even mind that it's not all gooey sentiment at the end, that Norton ends up burning the photos anyway.

The big problem is that there's no clear evidence as to why Norton's sudden change back. I don't know what the last photo he kept is about - you don't describe it, it's just one of many. His "old stubbornness" returns - why? Because of the picture? Because he suddenly reflects on his own life? If his wife had called, and then he threw the pictures in the fire, we'd have something to go on. But as it stands, it's too abrupt, and you lose all the emotional throughline that you constructed so carefully throughout the piece.

Until the end, though, it showed a lot of promise; if you could come up with something more definite to change Norton's heart, it could be perfect.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Another sentimental one. I'm guessing Norton is rude to his wife on the phone, but realizes after looking through those old photos that all that really matters in life is love and family?

You write in your descriptions that Norton is a superintendant at the building and the woman on the phone is his wife. I would suggest just calling the woman on the phone as FEMALE VOICE and also describe Nortons appearance to let us know that he is the superintendant. Right now if I watched this on film, I would have no idea what his role is.

Voting good on this.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Interesting story. On first read, I didn't like the ending, because I thought it was going one way, and then it went the complete other direction, but after the second read, I thought this was very true to life and the ending was a good twist. Old habits die hard don't they? I felt this was a sad story, and it made me really think about how if we continue on a path, even though we might want to change, it's hard to.

Some action lines are not needed. How do you 'Hang up cruelly?" I mean, I know what you're trying to say, but just maybe say 'He slams the phone down'.


Nice work.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

I really don't know what you were trying to accomplish with this one. He's overly angry then overly happy then angry again for no reason? I kind of wish we know what was so special in the picture of him that he grabbed if he didn't take the wedding or kids' pictures.

Anyway, even for a one-pager, the dialogue was rough, you capitalized "Darling" for no reason and the story just wasn't written in an interesting way.

It was just a weak story and really shouldn't have been done for the one-page contest. You'd need the five to explain a little bit just to make it more interesting.

Fair.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I liked the concept of the superintendent finding his heart in some old photos, but since he reverted to his grumpy old self the story didn't really go anywhere. The way it's written is very novelish with all the LY adverbs to describe & direct the action rather than make me feel it. The use of the phone and the photos was a device to convey emotion that would have worked better if we had seen him interact with other characters instead of inanimate objects.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I think you are trying a little too hard to describe things. Lots of adjectives and a few too many things that can't be shown.

Example:

Norton (60s), a superintendent, stomps through an empty
apartment one last time before new tenants move in. Ancient
parquet floors creak under his feet. Opening several doors,
he quickly peeks in each room, freshly painted and sunny.

The bit about "one last time before new tenants move in". It's too much. You can't film that, so you need to find ways to characterize that visually. Give him a checklist with "Pre-rental Checklist" or something like that.

I like how you show the life unfolding bit. Very nice.

Sadly, everything falls apart with your ending. Why go through all of this if he doesn't change or learn something. If you'd ended it with him talking sweetly to his wife, we'd know he's been affected by the images and values what he has. Instead, you kind of killed it.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Why was Norton so angry? This story could work if you explained that angle at all. As it is it just feels like a random old man who's really mad for some reason and I don't know why I should care.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

You write well, but what was in the last picture that changed him - only temporarily? What was the catalyst for him turning mean again? There is too much missing information.

Things to fix: "...one last time before new tenants move in" - we cannot see this on screen. We also don't need the "then they are gone forever" line at the end. Those are fine for short stories but not for screenplays.

And proofread aloud to get rid of pesky double word usage.

When you remove all of the commentary about things the audience can't see on screen, you'll have more room to work. Then you can show us the final photo, maybe of the couple (I would guess around his age) looking happy.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

You tell us we're in an empty apartment twice -- try to avoid repeating information.

Some formatting errors that kind of threw me. For example, you write, "Later, a large swirl..." Later should be a slugline.

Touching, but predictable. Nothing exciting for me.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2011 1:10 AM

A VG from me. Love that your protag didn't undergo a massive personality change and become a good guy. Daring choice to write and it worked.

Denise Jewell (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2011 8:25 AM

I really enjoyed this.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2011 5:30 PM

This is a really great one-page short. I like how real this character feels and I really like the subtext - the things left unsaid. Well done.