Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The title page mentions "Screenplay" in stead of the real name.

This one is funny! I was smiling when Briggs spoke the titles of the books out loud.

Then it turns into something dark. Turns out the cop killed the old lady writer because of what she wrote about him in a book.

Very nice short!

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

I thought it was called "Screenplay" for a minute lol

Oh man. Another dark one!

Poor Mrs. Quigley. Fighting crime didn't pay in this instance.

It was kind of obvious that the cop whacked her pretty early on the page. It was funny that he admitted the police were so bungling that they wouldn't be able to solve any future crimes without her.

No formatting issues or anything that I found.

[3]

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, no formatting issues, spelling and grammar was good.

Nice story, told well with some well written action sequences and dialogue.

Solve that you smug b*tch.

Liked it.

Good.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Not a bad attempt. I'm not quite sure what is supposed to lure me into your protagonist. I don't ever really sympathize with him, so to find out he is a killer doesn't really do much for me.

Not much is really happening here. I much prefer stories that take place in the present, so if you were to actually show me the kill, that would go over a little better.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced pretty well.

The story was interesting, but the dialogue seemed expository and forced. The dirty cop twist raises questions for me. 1 being how he expects to get away with it if he used his police revolver. (They have to file a report for every shot fired and forensics could certainly match the gun.) If he didn't use his service revolver, that should be made clear.

Overall, I thought this was a cool story that just needs some polish on the dialogue. Nice work and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Well, it appears that ol' Jessica Fletcher finally met her match in Chief Biggs. You have a nice story on your hands which you could turn into a nice full-length story if you wanted too.

There's a few editing points and you probably could add a few descriptions here and there, but your format was nice and the story was very easy to read. Great job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

shelve - shelf

I liked this. It was sparky! Great ending. With a little tidying up it would be even better!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Haha, this was a good story. The last few I read had no story. This one was neat and tidy and I can see it filmed. You have a typo at the beginning though that threw me.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Not a big deal and it didn't effect my scoring, but you should take a moment to actually put your screenplay title on the title page.

As for the actually story, it was really fun. It always annoyed me too that these amateur sleuths seem to stumble on murders as easily as they do. It's about time a cop got some revenge.

This is great and would make a wonderful short film.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Wow that's a pretty bitter cop. There's a story there that raises a few questions, but it's plain to see the cop didn't like being upstaged. Some of the dialogue seemed a little on the nose. But that's pretty common for monologue.

BIGGS
Insane homicide rate, nosy old hag
solving my cases. Makes me look
bad, makes my cops look bad.

We even got a little irony in this one.

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

I know it's a rough challenge, but somehow I don't think less is more here. Why? When Biggs is intro'd, he is facing a window, with a view of the town.But then I actually find out he's in front of a bookshelf. (and not "shelve"). Another continutiy error, which might be debated a bit, but I call it like I "see" it. How do I know Mrs. Quigley's been shot in the head when her face is slumped in her bowl of oatmeal? It's a nice visual, I'll give you that. You need "back of" the head I would say. Also, spell out the word microphone. I don't like it much when I see abbrivated words. Drives me bonkers.

Storywise, I like how you leave it open for subjective thought: some might think Biggs did it out of hate and revenge for "making his cops look bad" and one of her books is called The Clueless Cop- but I don't think he did do it. Not with HIS gun, anyway.

David Birch (Level 5)

not sure putting caps on ANOTHER helps your cause...seems like more of an "underline" type of dialog...same for "clueless cop"...plus each of the titles should have "" around them...like this:

As he throws the books on the table:

**********BIGG'S VOICE
"Mrs. Q and the Slippery Seamstress"...
"Fradulent Fakir"..."Rascally Rebel"...
"Spooky Spaniard"...

Then...

**********BIGG'S VOICE
"CLUELESS COP!"

i'd underline "clueless cop" rather than put it in caps...

i know there's space limitations...but underlining wouldn't add to your "line count" and would be a more effective way of conveying what it is you want the reader to glean from your SP...

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Great plot! Enjoyed it. I could see it coming when he was reading the books with attitude wearing gloves. It was a giveaway.

The writing was clean and it flowed very well. Wonderful story and writing!

Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Nice job!! I really like the picture you present - reading the book titles, throwing them on the floor -- I get a good sense of this guy. And, I knew there was something amiss because you built the suspense well. And, I was surprized by the end, but at the same time thought "of course!" Very good writing.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Title page is incorrect... Write the title of your script, not "Screenplay"

Your title is good, it initially draws me in. You also did a good job telling a complete story in such a limited time.

"old lady’s room with table, chairs, bookshelves"... this description is kind of bland and needs some sprucing up.

But overall, cool story. Good job!

Doug Wintemute (Level 3)

A Murder She Wrote fan? Well this was well done. I loved the dialogue and it was paced very well. There was a typo near the top of the page "Looks out window at town" (a "the" or tow was missing there).

I kind of wish she wasn't dead just yet. Maybe tied up or beat up, just so he wasn't talking to himself. But either way I liked it and voted it a Good.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

Clever and amusing idea. It is better to leave emphasis in dialogue to the actor but in Bigg's opener, should not the emphasis be on 'you'?

Good title, but better on the title page.

Elaine Sales (Level 1)

I really liked this story. It has a nice little twist at the end. I could really see this play out in my head and it made me chuckle at the irony. I really liked the ending too. I feel like it wraps the story up well, and that for such a small amount of space to work with it didn't feel rushed or lacking.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Why do you have "screenplay" on your title page instead of the title?

Well, this is kinda cool, I liked the Biggs character just fine. Problem is, to me, this feels like the end of a larger, funnier piece.

A lot of potential here. Good job for that.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

This script started off a little rocky for me because of a couple nitpicky, but distracting, things early on: (1) "in uniform" We definitely need to know what kind of uniform. My initial mental image of this character went from a native american (Chief), to a butler...and then I quickly caught up with you and changed him to a cop. But that's too much brain power spent on confusion...especially for a one-pager. (2) "looks out window at town" You telescoped this sentence (removed the THEs). I'm sure you did it to keep it on one line and save space, but it's distracting.

Okay...now that those things are out of the way: I thought this was a really brilliant concept. The relationship you establish between the Chief and Miss Q is great, and you unroll this mini-mystery very nicely.

That last line is MONEY. Outstanding. Great.

There's something about some of the action and dialogue that makes me feel like it needs a rewrite or two...can't quite put my finger on exact issues. But the bottom line is this: you've established a very complex and intriguing emotional situation here. Great job.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A cop complains about a local mystery writer.

Reminded me of "Murder She Wrote." Script was essentially a soliloquy, a word stumble "looks out window at town, "shelf" not "shelves," no need to CAP dialogue that's already naturally emphasized. Good!

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title drew me in but technically, the previous case was her last! Your craft is mostly good but the title page says "Screenplay" and not the title. The dialogue was good but I got hung up on "They ought a know their way by now". It just didn't sound right. Would "ought to" be better? And why would they know there way to her house, this is the first time she's been killed, right? Overall, this is cute and clever and very good.

James Hughes (Level 5)

Why are there so many murders in a town of 4,000? Cop says it is an insane homicide rate. But if she is solving each one, they are presumably unrelated. Seems like the town should be bigger.

This was very well written. I can picture everything going on, down to the books flying off the shelves except for that last one he slams down.

I wonder what the Biggs' character is like. How would the actor play him. He'd have to be somewhat of a fool to not be able to solve any murders. But he comes off more cool and calm than that. I'm not commenting on the script, just wondering out loud. This seems like one that will get made because it is low budget. I give it an excellent.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

CHIEF BIGGS, in uniform, looks out window at town. - this form of writing is very odd. Too blunt. Make it flow more.

Wow! I loved it! I loved how you brought in the fictional civilian solving crimes for the police and then gave it a twist. Perfection! I loved it! Excellent all the way! Nothing more to say.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Ahh, I great idea for a script. (Take that, Jessica Flet -- uh, I mean, Mrs. Q)

I have a few constructive suggestions that I'd like to throw out there. Feel free to use/ignore --

-- A niggly thing, but I'd introduce CHIEF BIGGS as POLICE CHIEF BIGGS. Initially I thought he might be a native American. Best to avoid confusion from the start.

-- A picture paints a thousand words. So, for example, Biggs could look at a framed newspaper clipping that Mrs. Q keeps on the wall. In the picture is the Mayor handing Mrs. Q a medal. Standing behind them in the background... Biggs, looking very, very unhappy. The clipping would be a wonderful visual that suggests that Biggs has a long standing hatred of Mrs. Q.

-- Your "beats" seemed a little out in place. For example, when Biggs says "CLUELESS COP." ...you need a little dramatic pause. You could either type it as:



Rascally Rebel,Spooky Spaniard... Clueless cop!


Or you could break up the dialogue with a little descriptive break. e.g.

BIGGS
Mrs. Q and the Slippery Seamstress,
Fraudulent Fakir, Rascally Rebel,
Spooky Spaniard...

Biggs grabs a book, looks at it with disdain.

BIGGS
...Clueless Cop!

Etc.


Other than that, well done!

Josh Gonzalez (Level 3)

Does Biggs get caught? I see this piece as the beginning of a story as opposed to a complete one. What is resolved from Biggs' actions? Is he going to kill another sleuth because she solves crimes and makes his cops look bad? Did he really kill her for that reason or was their something else? Will he kill the state cop trying to solve the murder?

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

They ought TO know perhaps.
Very nice story with a very good punchline. I don't see much to improve on - it was just right for me.

Kisha King (Level 4)

Interesting story. It makes me think of Murder She Wrote. Anyway I wish there was more information about the lady like she was getting awards or he wanted to start writing books so that's why he did it. And you never indecated if he is talking in a (V.O.) or he is talking out loud (CONT'D).

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific setting for this story. Short and sweet description of Mrs. Q's "cozy old lady's room." Figured out the ending as soon as Chief Biggs began yanking those paperbacks off the shelf wearing a latex glove, but that's okay. Particularly like that each line is relevant. No unnecessary words. And poor Mrs. Q, "face in her oatmeal."
Minor typo with "shelve" (shelf) and a period missing at the end of "...with a gunshot wound to her head." Easy fixes. A complete story, which even includes the Chief's motive built into his dialogue. The title is perfect. Excellent.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Why is it titled "Screenplay"? Anyway, this was interesting. I liked it. Good idea and well written. Not too believable though because at the end I asked...why was Biggs there in the first place? Was he called there? By a dead woman? How will he explain why he was at her place? So there are some holes but it was entertaining anyway.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really enjoyed seeing the Miss Marple/Murder She Wrote character getting her comeuppance (the police are always portrayed as bumbling). It would have also been interesting if it turned out that she committed all the murders and framed innocent people.

Excellent.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

It's a good story. I think the ending is too predictable...I could see where this was going once I got into. Seems to me that even a one-page who-done-it should have a twist at the end.

Was Chief Biggs blaming her for the insane homicide rate? That seemed like a stretch to me.

I know that the killer often soliloquizes after he kills (often before) but is there another way of writing this so that Chief Biggs talks less? Some way where the audience discovers more visually?

You need to italicize the titles of the books. Also, it's "shelf" not "shelve".

A good start. Consider other ways of telling your story that surprise the audience and informs the audience visually.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This is good.

The Cheif Biggs was developed nicely for a one page script.

I find it a bit unbelievable, but who knows - maybe this kind of thing happens all the time.

Nick Durand (Level 1)

Only thing I could find wrong with this was the fourth time Briggs speaks. He says insane homicide rate. This makes it sound too much like Mrs. Quigley was killing everyone and solving cases at the same time. Other than that, excellent job. Also, fun fact, I had a high school teacher named Mrs. Quigley!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Pretty cool. Bit too dialog heavy, too expositiony. I also would have liked it better if we had one moment before this: The stand-off between them. Would make it more interesting visually, also more tense.

Good writing, but just a bit too straight forward.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This is a fun farce and Chief Biggs' dialogue is very humorous. I wish it wasn't almost immediately apparent that he has killed Mrs. Quigley; even your title gives it away.

Very Good.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It reminds me of a Mother Goose and Grimm comic I read once: hostess, looking down at a party guest with a knife in the back, thinks, "Damn. Every time I invite that Jessica Fletcher this happens."

You've capitalized on the same sentiment, and while I'm not sure there's been an old woman-novelist-solving-crimes on TV since "Murder She Wrote", it's a good joke. From the beginning, you do understand one of two things is going to happen, and I was kind of hoping the other one would be the case: that Mrs. Q would kill the Chief. You've already telegraphed the joke with the title, why not go for a twist? After all, twists are the bread-and-butter of the genre you're spoofing. You've already foreshadowed it: Mrs. Q and the CLUELESS COP.

As it stands, it's mostly just a murderer talking to his victim, and I'm not sure who to root for. Mrs. Q isn't all that bad, is she? I'm not sure I can take too much perverse pleasure in her untimely murder, or shiver too much at her fate. I don't know her aside from the caricature she inspires.

It's a good core idea, but it might need some other element, something unexpected.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Some typos in this one. It's shelf not shelve for example.

One thing I didn't get was, did mrs. Quigley kill people or do Biggs or is the homicide rate just insane? I understand Biggs kill the old lady, but did he do it because she made him look bad in his books or did he kill her because she's the killer?

I think I'm confused! LOL! Other than that, good job! I'll vote good on this one.:)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

This one surprised me. The instant noir feel made me jump in with both feet. The titles were fun and the premise was clever. I loved the visual at the end with her face in the oatmeal and a gunshot wound to the head. Very fun! This would play well in front of an audience and had a unique tone to it. Enjoyed it quite a bit. Good luck.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Cute!

Didn't expect that, did ya?

Barring the gunshot wound you've got the genre down pat, and the dialogs work to get to a gory conclusion.

Given the circumstances a little more backstory or even a photgraph of Mrs. Quigley on the book jackets, would really enhance the piece.

I was also confused about the murders. Is there a homicidal maniac out there? Was it Mrs. Q committing the crimes? Or Chief Biggs?

There are a few typos that weren't too distracting, but you might want to fix them nonetheless.

I enjoyed this, the title cued me to the genre, you delivered on it, but I was left wanting for more meat on the bones to really take this another level.

Something along the lines of BBC's "SHERLOCK" perhaps...

Good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Oh that nasty cop Biggs, getting rid of Mrs. Quigley. I was hoping that at the end, there was some clue that Mrs. Quigley would somehow figure a way to collar Biggs. Maybe his police badge in her little dead hand, or something.

Interesting fun little script. I enjoyed it.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

I kind of had a sense where this was going basically once it started. But, it's not a bad thing. The story went the direction I think it was supposed to.

There's not a whole lot to say on the story. I liked it and I have one minor quibble. During Biggs' line, "Send for the state crime guys. They ought a know their way by now." It should be "oughta" or "ought to". You can't have it both ways.

But, like I said, it's a minor quibble.

Very good.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This was very cute. For some reason, the missing "FADE OUT" made the piece feel like the scene wasn't over yet. That's not a criticism... just a note.

Very Good!

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

Nice tight description. The dialogue was somewhat stilted, though. The Chief Biggs character didn’t have much depth. Is the Chief the murderer? If so, there need to be more clues other than his line about Mrs. Q making his cops and him look bad (if he was conducting an investigation, he’d be wearing gloves, so if that was a clue…). Overall, your action paragraphs were great and it’s a good story.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Clever story. Good writing although maybe the dialogue could be tightened up a bit.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

It's a cute take on what many of us would have liked to have seen done to Jessica Fletcher, but only one thing bothers me: If her face is in the oatmeal, how was she shot in the head? I can't see Biggs shooting her in the back of the head or anywhere else but between her eyes. Yes, he'd look directly at her with disdain as he pulled the trigger.

Clean that up and this will be a blast!

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

This was incredibly predictable -- I knew the ending with just the first line of dialogue. I don't know if there's much that can be done to fix that, but it's there.

Maybe a way to make the pay-off stronger is to imply that the reason Mrs. Quigley was able to solve the murders was because she was the murderer.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2011 12:58 AM

How did this short not place? It's terrific.

Michael Berg (Level 3) ~ 8/1/2011 10:31 AM

Great script. Missing a few punctuation, but I won't hold it against you. Enjoyable. But was she shot in the back or front? Not sure.

Also, a little more tension would be to have her tied up, watching him knock the books off, and then shoot her right before calling dispatch.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2011 4:29 PM

I agree with KP. Excellent script here.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2011 5:23 PM

I really liked this a lot. What a wonderful twist on a classic story trope.