Comments Made During the Contest

Andre Kruithof (Level 1)

Silke Tulle Dress: i cant make out wat this story is suppose to do?
It appears to be about a women whom re-visits here past for no apperant reason.
I cant see any genre in this (maybe drama but i'am not sure further their no explenation why she is seing and hearing the particular scene's the title doesn't make any sense to in context to the strory.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

You show pictures of Mildred's past, which is exposition, delivering back story. Granted, you only had one page, not much room to play.

Also, you are telling us that she is now seeing some one else. It is more powerful if you show us somehow. Show her falling in love in front of our eyes.

I can't get a handle on how Mildred really feels. Does she still love the bald man, was he the love of her life? Is it a burden, and is she now finally relieved of that burden now there is that other man?

I am not sure because I have (fortunately, knock on wood) never been through this, but I imagine the loss must cause a lot of pain in the beginning, and that pain eases over time. And she'll date again eventually, but she'll occasionally think of the bald man, and remember only the good things they shared.

She'd size up the new guy against her previous life partner constantly. You could have the gray-haired man compare favorably in some way, after they had a romantic dinner together ("he never said that to me"). Then have her turn the photo of the bald guy, apologizing to him that he'll be in her memories always but that she has to move on, is in love again, or some such.

She'd only be glad the memories went away if she had been unhappily married. In that case she'd have found a new love interest maybe faster, and she'd forgotten about the bald man more quickly.

Or so I'd imagine...

You're TELLING us that a woman is over her husband and found a new love interest. Better if you show it, show how that would really happen in real life. Teach me something :-)

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

"She hears an echo of her once familiar call." Pardon?

Oh, OK. You are trying to say the voices she hears are memories. Well you don't want to explain that in the script. If what the person would see on screen is not sufficient to let them understand what is happening (except what you don't want them to understand yet) then a rewrite is probably necessary. Don't explain that the voices are memories and especially don't make one of the speakers called "Memory"... make it named whoever is speaking.

I'm not sure watching a shed while hearing the voices is that interesting, visually speaking.

So I think the "Memory" speaker is the husband. Give him a name. Then when we see the picture, introduce him.

"Thought you’d never go, my love." Go? Where did he go? Maybe did you mean "come" or "get here"?

The end is kind of touching.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, no formatting issues, spelling and grammar was good.

The action lines were done well, really set the scene nicely.

I'm afraid I didn't understand the dialogue though or what the dress had to do with it.

Good.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I don't get it. So, Mildred is happy that her husband is gone (dead?), why? I think I'm missing something here. And if she's so happy that he's gone (dead?), why does she act sad in the beginning?

A quick note, I'm sensing a trend with these one pagers where a majority of the story is being told through still photos. This technique doesn't feel very fresh, nor do I think it's a wonderful storytelling technique if that is the main device for giving information. It almost feels lazy.

Anyway, this didn't do a whole lot for me, but it's fairly nice work.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This could have been tightened up a little.

This script was kinda strange in that there is a dramatic shift in tone right at the end. With one line of dialogue Mildred goes from bein a sympathetic grieving widow to a callous old bitch. While I don't mind a sudden shift of tone in general, I didn't like this particular one very much because it made me suddenly dislike a grandmother.

Anyway, nice work and good luck!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

EXT. GARDEN PATH - DAY
down an overgrown garden path don't waste space by telling usthe same thing twice.

She hears an echo of her once familiar call - this is telling rather than showing. It would be hard for us to know this from the screen.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Notes:
- Not sure what a 'Tulle' is?
- 'the memory of a reply.' Not getting this one?

I'm guessing she died and joined him?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like this story of an elderly widowed woman, who has a fresh start on the rest of her life and is looking forward to it.

But, I don't like the bitterness she has towards her old husband, it makes me not like her as much and I don't know that it is needed. Also, I don't quite understand the importance of the dress and the netting. I feel like I must be missing something there.

Still, this is a really interesting character piece and I think it has a lot of promise.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Mostly well told. Sentimental, but with a twist and a different idea than any I've seen this month. The only thing is, it seemed to cheat a little. MILDRED is dancing to waltz music and...

"A car stops. She parts the net curtain to see a tall,
white haired man get out. He holds a posy of flowers. He
smooths his hair as he opens Mildred’s gate."

It looks like we snuck outside for a beat saw a car stop and than snuck back to the scene in progress. Not a major thing but it kind of took me out of the story for a second or two.

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

The last line of dialog supplies the twist ending to this story but I wish there were some actions that preceded the dialog. Something out of character by the woman that as a reader I wonder what the heck she is doing. Maybe even tossing the dress in the trash, flopping the balding man’s picture face down, shredding the dress, something. Something that gives me a visual cue that something is changing.

That something may seem odd as we see it but her line of dialog clears up the mystery and provides a satisfactory end to the story.

Still, I like the story. I simply think it could be raised a bit with some just before the end dialog action.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I was just a bit confused to the storyline. Did she want the bald husband she had all those years and experiences to die so she could now be with this new white haired man?

Or ???

Not sure I followed this story plot.

But the dialougue was good and the descriptions were good as well.


Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

This should have been entered in the comedy contest! I love the description, the setup, the twist. Excellent job. This is definitely a contender. I'm picking this one to win.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Beautifully written with wonderful details. However, the ending is a bit confusing to me. I assume the man coming to her door is not her husband, but the "Thought you'd never go" line throws me off. You seem meticulous in choosing your words, so it's probably a failure on my end. But I'd love to know what happens here!

Doug Wintemute (Level 3)

Very touching story. I'm sure this will do quite well overall. It's a little too safe I feel though. It was well written though it definitely isn't something I would love to see filmed. Again this is a touching story but I cant justify voting any higher than good with everything else that I have read.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

So, gone fishing eh? This was very subtle, and very slow in developing for a one page script. This may be one that does well. I liked it.

Should the memory have a name?

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

This is really beautifully written but, I really hate to say it...I just don't get it. I'm sorry.

Once I had read all the way through, I went back and tried to figure things out using that first memory scene at the shed...I guess I don't understand why the tea memory is brought on by the shed. (Side note: you slipped an OS in there instead of a VO...no big whoop, but something to proof for.)

And then her line at the end: "Thought you'd never go..." It just...she wanted him to die so she could date again? How does that relate to the first scene?

I'm not the sharpest guy, so it may just be me. But this script seems to be very confusing. If I'm the only one to say that, feel free to ignore me...and even mock me. That's okay. But if this is a common comment, you may want to rethink how this story is told.

To loop back to the beginning: your use of the language is very nice. You can definitely write. Just want to reiterate that...

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

An elderly woman misses her dead husband.

This one told a story. Tone was good, tendency for prose in writing, I'm not sure your last line was needed. I thought the point was obvious from the visual.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title is fine and your craft is very good. The story is interesting. There is something poignant about a older person reminiscing. That being said, I'm not sure I understand the ending. Did the bald man have to let go somehow so she could move on, did the bald man get a white hair piece and it's him, is the white haired man coming to take her to heaven? Anyway, good job making it thought provoking.

James Hughes (Level 5)

What is the meaning of that first part, is it a dream? How does that tie in the with the second part? She liked the white haired man and couldn't wait for her husband to die to go out with him? If this is the meaning, I am thinking the script could be reworked to set that up some more. The dream-like sequence and the family photos around the room don't seem to be working to set up the end.

But I do like the dream-like quality of that opening part and would like to see the script go in that direction more. You are setting up some good images in the beginning and a nice quality to the tone. That goes away during that second part.

James McConnell (Level 3)

I enjoyed the ending of this with a nice surprise but felt that the set up could have done more. The beginning of the story was a series of static shots with the viewer just watching photos and trophies. There is no real action here. I was confused by the Memory O.S. Was this a male voice? Young? Old? Why was Mildred a V.O. It left me confused.

There was also a line of action that cannot be filmed: she hears the echo of a once familiar call - How do we the viewer know that it was a familiar call?

"From the shed, the memory of a reply." - I'm not sure what this is.

Nice premise.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I think I understand the last line but not one hundred percent sure. Was she happy that her husband had died? If so, then why did she add "My love' or was that her husband coming out of the car. I don't think so, but the "my love" really confused me...

Was the memory of her husband? I didn't really get that either.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

It's certainly an interesting title. The story was well constructed and an easy read. I didn't really connect with the main character but it was well written.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

It took me a while to grasp exactly what was going in here, but now that I'm following correctly I realize that this wouldn't t have any trouble coming off clearly on the screen, however, I do think you need to make the way it reads more clear, the way she acts at the beginning seems so much like nostalgia and mourning her husband that the ending could easily be lost on some people, I think she needs to appear even more cruelly pleased at the end to make it obvious what you're implying.

Anyhow, I'm a sucker for a touch of darkness so this easily gets a very good from me, well done :)

One more thing, the title of this seems too sentimental to fit properly.

Jo Gates (Level 3)

I'm not sure how we see the silk tulle dress if it's in "protective white tissue." That's how I felt about the whole script: the description is clear, but in picturing a film, its meaning is veiled. The tone is established well, and the minimal, echoed dialogue works. I'm guessing that this will get every level of vote--it's unexplained, which can be weak or Bergman. This feels like it's closer to the top end, capturing complexity well.

Random grammar notes: "enjoy" should be "enjoying"; "white haired" should be "white-haired."

Josh Gonzalez (Level 3)

What does the silk tulle dress have to do with the story? DOes she put it on at some point? Who is the man with the posy of flowers? Does Mildred miss her husband or is she glad he's gone? What does the shed have to do with the story? Is Mildred crazy? Dud she kill her husband? How did he die? Did she poison him with the tea?

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think in the end it should be "Thought you'd never come", no? He came for her. I liked it. It's not as sentimental which is a plus - I think the stories like are at disadvantage of "too sentimental" and yours isn't. I think you could give Memory female or male voice and it would help us understand what it's about better. Otherwise it looks like you don't want to know yourself:) Good story.

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is a nice story about moving on with your life. I think the story is king of confusing when she's dancing to the music with the dress. First I thought she was sad but with the last line "Thought you'd never go, my love" sounds like she was happy that he's gone.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Love the sentimentality of this story, and the sweet depiction of 76-year-old Mildred.
It's clear that the Memory voice she hears is the "balding man" in the pictures; not sure if he's the same man as the "tall, white-haired man" with the flowers at the gate though. The "Silk Tulle Dress" in the title is visual and referenced as it lays on the sofa. Wonder why Mildred doesn't put it on, then look at herself in the mirror before she opens the door.
The mental image of this little old lady clasping her hands "in delight" is terrific. But, don't understand what Mildred means when she says to the picture of the balding man, "Thought you'd never go, my love."

Kristen Alario (Level 2)

Touching story. Mildred's memory of the past at the beginning was good. Good scene description. I'm assuming her husband had passed and her date is at the door? I can interpret the story a couple of ways but otherwise, good story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I don't know if it's clear that the balding man and the white-haired man are different people. I know I didn't pick up on it the first time I read it. Obviously it will be clear on screen. I'm also not sure what her last line of dialogue means, whether she's happy or not.

Other than that confusion I thought it was good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This is nicely written. It makes me wonder if my wife will feel the same way some day.

Unfortunately, I couldn't figure out the significance of the dress, but that may just be me.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Nice work. I like this writing, it's somewhat poetic. I assumed Memory is a male, but it doesn't say anywhere. I'm happy for this old lady. You made her likable, how did you do it? Magic. She seems real as a character. Good luck!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Very nice, first thing I read this month and already amazing.
Love the subtle detail and the twist is quite sweet.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I feel there's a beautiful, sentimental story here; I just can't seem to find it right now, even after a couple reads. Perhaps others will be able to interpret this better than I did, that could always be the case.

Good luck to you.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

The writing is lyrical, poetic; I was a little thrown by the voice of memory showing up in the dialogue as MEMORY (VO), but there was something about the choice that drew me into the dreamlike quality of the world, the way everything seemed to be made of textures and grass overgrowing sheds and gossamer feelings and nothing so clunky as plot.

It does, however, leave me feeling a little cold and confused. I don't need plot, or reason, but I read it several times and I think there's something to be taken away from this piece which I've missed. Mildred is letting go of her deceased husband, and pursuing a new romance. I think that's the point, although I might be wrong. The fishing, the shed, the centerpiece - the silk tulle dress - don't all seem to pull together. Mildred last line seems odd, because her "love" hasn't gone, at least not in the emotional flow of the piece. Something needs to happen to move us to that ending, not plot, but something temporal, in the timespace of the film. Otherwise, it's just a snapshot, a photograph.

It's lovely, but it needs just a bit more pulling together to hold in at its emotional core.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Not sure I understand this one. I thought she was reminiscing about her dead husband and then a car drives up with a man in it. That can't be her husband since he was balding and the man that just arrived is not. So I don't understand what Mildred means when she says, I thought you'd never go...Obviously I must be missing something here. I have a feeling it's a beautiful story and I'm frustrated I don't understand.

Maybe make it a little more clear who the second man is. I think that would make it work even for dummies like me. :)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

There's some lovely images in this and I think the music would enhance the piece so much. I had trouble with the voice of a Memory. Mildred was a compelling character and I think you accepted the challenge to mean to tell a complete story of one's life, since it spanned decades but I think maybe one isolated incident from their past would have been a better selection. Overall, this had exceptional tone and texture. I like your descriptive style of writing.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

What a weird WTH ending. Did you mean to imply that she was cheating on the fishing guy?

I did not see that coming -- and because the use of the words "tulle" and "posy" (had to Google both) virtually assures a female author -- I might not be getting the point of this one, exactly. But I do kind of like how this one can operate on a couple of levels, depending on how you want to look at it. I am just not completely sure that is how it was intended.

I will also point out that MEMORY (O.S.) wins a prize for wonky format, though I know what you meant.

So, yeah, a nice piece that kind of pulls the rug out from under you -- though it is perhaps a little too vague to work quite right in its current form.

Very good.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I'm not really fashion lietrate so had to look up what a "Tulle" dress was.

And I wish there was more darker sinister twist to how her beloved baldy met his end. I'd actually prefer that.

But as things go, this is dark humor executed with panache.

Very good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

aww this was cute and funny. It had a good twist. I'm not sure what the first scene added to the story. I really think you don't need that scene. Or at least subsitute a different scene. I thought it was a nice twist, and I wasn't expecting it.

Good job,

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

A couple of awkward phrasings in this but no major mis-steps worth writing home about. Your story was very plain and didn't offer a whole lot. That's not to say that there's anything wrong with that as it is only one page anyway.

That said, it was a small, cute little story with a nice, friendly vibe to it. However, because there was so little going on, I'm afraid I can't give more than this.

Good.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

First thing first: Your margins are really horked up.

Story: I thought I got what you were going for, but the semi-twist at the end kind of ruined it for me. It went from poignant to... I don't know... not poignant.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Most of this story was just Mildred staring at old stuff and dancing, very melodramatic and non-eventful stuff. Add some conflict or drama or something interesting to make this a lot more fun!

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Disturbingly wonderful. No sentimental drivel or tearjerker ending - just truth in its ugliest form.

Well done with a great setup.

Thank you so much for sharing this!

Zelia Paulo (Level 1)

Very clever use of the lines - Thought you'd never ____, my dear - by both characters. That's a nice twist to the ending. Very clever. The descriptions are succinct and evocative of the life of an outgoing little old widow. I was wondering where it could go. I was pleasantly surprised. Great short screenplay.

Comments Made After the Contest

Denise Jewell (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2011 8:20 AM

I really enjoyed this -- very honest and wonderful!

Ed Jones (Level 4) ~ 8/2/2011 1:43 PM

Thanks for your helpful comments. I've done a rewrite in the light of some of the advice given. I believe it should now be clearer to what I intended to portray, which in no way was meant to be sentimental in tone. I like Mildred and hope you might too.

Denise, I hope I may retain your fave!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5) ~ 8/3/2011 5:04 AM

Hi Ed, here's my feedback, for what it's worth.

First off, I like this version! I would have marked this one much higher. Good job.

It was very written clearly and well. Active sentences. Long sentences determine the pace, doted by short sentences for variation. Good!

The story is bitter-sweet. In the photos, her husband can be seen with his buddies and not with her, so the suggestion is clear; he wasn't there for her emotionally. And so now at a much higher age she finally finds some one who will treat her well. I do like her. It makes me happy that she's still sprightly at seventy-six, but sad that this lovely woman accidentally wasted her life with the wrong man. I feel sorry for her, not happy, that she finally finds the love of her life that late in life. Why didn't she leave her husband sooner?

In a sense, she is passive. What happens doesn't happen because of what she does. Her husband dies, and another man shows interest in Mildred. So she's not the one driving the story forward.

Nothing changes on this page. She probably already had a date with the tall white haired man. You're informing your audience that this woman has moved on, something that happened before this story starts.

One thing I'd try out; what if the husband was still alive? We see him treat all but ignore her, we see some other man be attentive to Mildred and then we see her leave her husband and run away with the other man. In that case you have the same elements, but she is the person driving the story forward (it is her decision to leave her husband).

Maybe my suggestion comes from the fact that your script reminds me a bit of Whoopi Goldberg's role in the movie "The Color Purple".

I love the atmosphere in this story! Your wording and long sentences give it a romantic feel about it.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5) ~ 8/3/2011 5:13 AM

In addition to my suggestion, you can have the husband (bald, not terribly attractive) finally notice Mildred (thin and sprightly so we like her instantly), as he looks at her from a kitchen (symbolizes the place she used to occupy in the home but she's gone now, and also he is trapped, enclosed inside) through a window (symbolizes separation between them) as she dances away (outside, openness, light, fresh green nature all around, symbolizes the pleasant life she has ahead of her) with the other man (handsome, symbolizing the better option). Last shot could be from the back so the husband is nothing more than a faceless silhouette.

I don't know...

Ed Jones (Level 4) ~ 8/3/2011 5:36 AM

Thank you, Ayal for such an encouraging, insightful response. You have given me much to think on.

'I don't know...' Oh, but you do!

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 8/5/2011 11:52 PM

Hi Ed, the rewrite is much stronger.

I don't think "FLASHBACK:" is necessary, because you have made it a V.O. instead of a flashback. If you want to do a flashback, show the scene instead of the exterior of the shed. I think that would be stronger than just looking at the shed, but then again, it's just two lines so it might be OK.

It took me a while to understand this story. Now it's much clearer. I like it.

Ed Jones (Level 4) ~ 8/6/2011 3:52 AM

Thank you for your time, Basil. Yes, I wasn't sure about the formatting there but I had this image in my head of Mildred gazing at the old shed and hearing these voices from the past, but how to do it in a clear way was a problem to me. I looked for examples but never found one that matched this scene. Formatting is so much more trickier than it first seems.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 8/6/2011 11:31 AM

Hi Ed. No problem. Here's my suggestion for how to do what I think you are wanting to do.

Take out the "FLASHBACK" references.

Action block: Have her look at the shed. Describe shed.

Action block: Show her face or what is happening on her face.

Dialogue: V.O. here, while showing her face. Otherwise it might be confusing. Hard to know it's a V.O. if it is showing the shed (Her lips could be moving and we just don't see it).

Action block: She looks at the shed again.

Dialogue: Husband's V.O.

Alternately, maybe his reply is on her face and then she looks back at the shed.

Alternately, leave as is and people should understand that it was a V.O. when the husband's reply comes back (that is more eerie, really).

In any case, the "FLASHBACK:" isn't necessary since there is no cut to a flashback scene.

I agree this stuff is tricky. Take care.

Gary Rademan (Level 5) ~ 8/10/2011 11:03 AM

Hey Ed,
I liked the original and the rewrite is better but still confusing.
-- Is the netting on the shed symbolic?
-- I assumed the tubby man was her husband
-- I assumed the tall man was a new boyfriend
-- Mildred is 76 and swirling to the music, clapping her hands?
-- Flashback and back to present not needed – esp for a one pager
-- What’s the purpose of the picture? Why is it important she’s not in picture? Is she taking the pictures
-- The last line of dialogue is confusing… I think it means she’s speaking it to her dead husband explaining her new boyfriend?
-- Is a silk tulle dress a wedding gown? a party dress?

One pagers aren’t easy.

Hope this helps.

Ed Jones (Level 4) ~ 8/10/2011 12:23 PM

Gary, thanks for your interest.

I knew an elderly couple something like this. He had a shed at the bottom of the garden in which he would spend hours making wooden toys and fiddling with bits of machinery. She had dressed the windows of the shed with net curtain to make it a little more homely for him. This is the sort of care a lot of men seem to shrug their shoulders at and take for granted. I imagined a man a little like this, happily spending hours in his shed while his wife did all the important things like cook meals and make numerous cups of tea.

Then I thought of the men who go off with friends fishing, even weekends fishing, more often than not leaving their wives at home, and I began to imagine the life of such a woman and so I created Mildred. I imagined that Mildred would have been happy for most of her married life, thinking there was nothing wrong in a man pursuing an innocent hobby and she would be happy for him and happy to care for him while he did so.

When her husband suddenly dies and the grieving process has run its course I thought such a woman as Mildred might then look back and begin to see things a little differently. She would see all the photos in which she is not represented because she was never there; she was never invited. She would think of the hours and hours he had spent in the shed and the only involvement she had had, other than pinning up the net curtain, was to make him innumerable cups of tea. And she would remember the dry irony of; "I thought you'd never ask".

Then, in her new-found independence I imagined Mildred rediscovering her love of dancing, and how easy it would be for her to meet another man with the same love. How she might buy herself a silk tulle dress and find that life had a wonderful new dimension. And also perhaps realise that she had not, after all, been quite as happy during all those years as she might then have imagined she was. She might even, somewhere deep inside, have been waiting for him to go, but only now could she bring herself to articulate it. And so I wrote "Silk Tulle Dress".

Gary Rademan (Level 5) ~ 8/10/2011 1:16 PM

Ed, that's beautiful, just beautiful. I see Ayal caught most of that in his comments. Thanks for explaining.