Comments Made During the Contest

Amanda Murray (Level 1)

I was a little confused. Was it Green Cross Road Man or Green Cross Code Man. Also, it might have helped to mention at the beginning of the script that Timmy was a chicken. Because of that lack of information, I didn't really get the joke. Also, you need to work on the grammar a little in order to help the reader understand the script.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I don't get the ending. If Timmy and Daisy are chickens, won't we immediately see that at the beginning on screen? Now it came as a surprise at the end of your screenplay, but on screen... it won't be a surprise I'm guessing.

The Green Cross Road Man mentions the "Green Cross Code", asks Timmy if he knows. Timmy nods, indicating he does. But I don't! What is the Green Cross Code? This was lost on me too.

It felt out of character that this Green Cross Road Man first devotes his time to saving children (chickens?) from being killed, then says "Fucking" in front of them.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

Green Cross Code (Road?) Man was not introduced before he spoke. If he speaks before he is seen, use "(O.S.)" and introduce him when he's seen the first time.

OMG they were chickens hahahah

That is really funny being read, but unfortunately there is one major problem here: That couldn't be filmed in any way that I can imagine. You would see right away that they are chickens.

I think you should try to do a rewrite and think of a way to avoid showing they are chickens. That might be a challenge though. Or just go with it and explain they are talking chickens from the beginning. As is, it would make a great short story.

[2]

Brian Howell (Level 5)

There are plenty of errors from real simple format stuff (like a dash before DAY in the slugline), to spelling, grammatical, and errors of consistency (is it Green Cross Road Man or Green Cross Code Man?). I'm not sure why you didn't introduce your characters, unless it's because they are really chickens and that would spoil your final punchline, but if that is the case, it would be spoiled when someone watched the film anyway.

It seems to me that the purpose of this is to play on the age-old joke, "Why did the chicken cross the road?". This doesn't really do anything for me. That joke is so tired and used in any sort of medium I can think of. Everything revolves your final line, and that just doesn't cut it in my book. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'm just trying to be honest. Some may find this hilarious and excellent, I don't.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

None of the characters are properly introduced. If they had been, the punchline wouldn't have worked because we'd see that Timmy is a chicken. While you can trick the reader by omitting visuals, you won't be able to trick the viewer so I don't feel like this script would translate very well to film.

As far as the story goes, I didn't get it at all. I don't know what the Green Cross Code is so none of this made any sense to me.

Nice effort and good luck!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

First off, I thought chickens had feathers and not hands. I suppose that's why you didn't want to describe them, so you could set up your punchline? Reworking the first paragraph would be a huge benefit to the story. "Timmy dashed between two cars and into the road" could use some work. Also based on other scripts that I've read, you probably want to capitalize the names of your main characters when you introduce them.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Timmy and Daisy - need capitalising when they first appear. How old are they?

and proceeds to blast him - you have no need to tell us what the man is going to do. Just have him DO it!

Are they chickens? Is this the joke? If so, how would we not know this when we first see them? Why are they described as walking hand in hand?

This is a great idea which falls down in the execution.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Timmy and Daisy are walking...how old are they?
This should be a definite winner of the Green Cross Road Man commercial contest - unfortunately this isn't that contest. Well done, just don't see a "movie" in it.

Best of luck!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Screenplays are blueprints, but they need to be interested blueprints. Your opening sequence reads like a recipe. It doesn't have any life to it. Just a few words different or a more descriptive phrase can make it a much better read.

- Green Cross CODE man or ROAD man? Proof read.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I've never heard of a Green Cross Code Man - is that something real or something you made up, like a pretend super hero?

You need to describe to your characters - at first I had no idea how old Timmy and Daisy were and there is no description of the man at all, is he just a crossing guard or a super-hero type character?

There isn't a lot of depth here, but that last line is very fun.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Green Cross Code?

I'm sorry if I'm dense, but I'm not sure what that is. Or did you make it up for the story? I'm also a little confused by the ending. I'm not sure why he thinks they're chickens. Because they're idiots?

I liked the dialogue and thought it was well told, but I have a feeling there's something I don't understand. (I read it three times and I still don't get it. Sorry if I'm completely dense.)

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

The humor here at the end is simple and straight forward though I guess I just didn’t find it that interesting. The writing is clear enough through the one-page script but again, it just didn’t seem like much was there. So I’m conflicted.

I could note the varied capitalization of High Street/high street. And I could note that “Green Cross Road Man” seems to be some sort of official name or description that must be a locally common but unfamiliar to me term that makes the whole script a bit odd.

And for the humor, if the implication is that Timmy and Daisy are chickens, then are they hand in hand and can his hair be ruffled? OK, ruffled his feathers – is that the humor?

Sorry for my dense-ness on this.

David Serra (Level 4)

This, to me, played off like a bad joke. I was waiting for something out of the ordinary to happen, also you have a major typo with the green road crossing man, where he is talking to Timmy.

Even though you took a different spin on a legendary joke, This gets a Fair from me.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Very cute play on the old joke. I didn't see it coming but I did think of the joke immediatly. This was written very well and was a complete story on one page. I enjoyed it.
Good luck!

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Well written, easy to visualize. I can see the young boy sort of shaking in his boots as he's being reprimanded. I think I would like the story to have a bit more to it, though. Perhaps some consequence (outside of death) of stepping out into the street. It just feels a little skimpy for some reason.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

I think I got lost in the language here... I'm not sure what a "high street" is. I don't know what a "Green Cross Road Man" is and I've never heard of a "Green Cross Code".... maybe it's part of the story, and I just didn't get it.

The ending saves your story! That was really funny... I didn't see that one coming.

Just a small note: you don't need to underline your title.

Donnetta Williams (Level 3)

For a 1 page script this was a good story. This story was clear and concise, the dialogue was believable. The direction of the story was understood. The story had a humorous touch to it-"why did the chicken cross the road" joke. Not sure if Timmy was a child or a chicken or why Timmy felt the need to dart out into the street leaving Daisy even if he did want to cross the street. I still picture Daisy on the other side of the street, wondering where Timmy darted off too.

Doug Wintemute (Level 3)

I had to watch the Green Cross Code on Youtube to realize what this was. British I see... Well either way the final line turned this from Fair to to Good. I didnt know that the kids were kids until the Green Cross Code/Road Man said they were. Also you changed his name at the bottom to Code Man instead of Road Man.

Regardless, the final line was really funny. I think an extended version of this would have been well suited last month.

Good from me.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

The first time a character appears the name needs to be all caps.

The script is of course based on the simple joke, but where were the chickens? The crossing guard curses them. It makes sense, disjointedly.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Just didn't get it. Sorry. May just be me, but I just didn't understand the application of that last line. He was secretely mocking the child for listening to him?

I don't know. But I do know this (how many times have you read THIS comment today?): Green Cross ROAD Man or Green Cross CODE Man? That's a pretty serious proofing miss right there. Can't do that!

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A crossing guard saves a child.

The child learns a lesson! Kudos. The writing was good but please give your characters a name, age and a brief description. It's critical in a one pager to identify with a character asap. The line "proceeds to blast him" isn't necessary. GREEN CROSS ROAD MAN looked clunky as a repeated character slug.

At first I was confused at the ending then I chuckled. Why capitalize chicken? I am not sure the F bomb added anything, it was kind of harsh given what we knew about him.

Good job.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Well, the title works and it is certainly appropriate for this story. Your craft is okay but there are some things that should be changed. First, is High street the name or a description of the street? It is not capitalized at first (description) but it is later (name). Is he the Green Cross Road Man or the Green Cross Code Man? He is the former until Timmy calls him the latter and then it is that way again in an action line. The dialogue is good but Timmy's line "I was just crossing to get the the other side" kind of gave away the joke. When I read it, I instantly thought that Timmy was a chicken. Your action lines are fine and the story is funny. I think this would be great if you fixed the two things mentioned above and didn't tip your hand that a joke was coming.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Green cross code ignored can claim precious lives.

Good setting. Good premise.

Timmy now must learn to be serious with traffic rules, something most young chaps ignores. Just in line with the subject matter.

Love the attitude of the Green Cross Road Man, as dutiful as most of them here in Ghana.

Good job!

James Hughes (Level 5)

i googled green cross code man. Not sure if you'll get that a lot from americans. i guess if you grew up knowing this superhero character, this story would have more of an impact.

you call him green cross road man in his character lines but call him code man in the description.

I think it would help to describe timmy a little bit especially inlcuding his age. I'm not sure who this character is.

What is the "High Street"? Is that an actual road? Ok, i googled that too.

Would saying "fucking chickens" at the end be out of characater for this superhero thus making it even funnier?

I was starting out at a fair, but after googling everything, I can see how this would be funny. My lack of knowledge of what you were referring to doesn't mean it wasn't written well. So I updated it to Good. I still had some feedback above about the giving a bit more info on Timmy.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Why did he call them chickens? Where they chickens? If so, why didn't you tell us that in the beginning? If it was supposed to be the surprise, while watching this on screen, the audience will see that they are chickens and not get the point of the story.

I think I get what you were trying to do, but this would only work script wise, therefore being unfilmable.

I think you needed to add a story to this.

There were no noticeable typos.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

The title was apt of course. Well, it was a long way to go for an old joke, but it was worth it. Definitely benifited from being short, any longer and it would have dragged. Great writing with an okay premise.

Jo Gates (Level 3)

"Green Cross Code Man" is shown in the dialogue lines as "Green Cross Road Man"; this inconsistency made the script feel rushed. I didn't know about the Green Cross Code as an American, although it appears to be a well-known UK thing. So I was picturing a green man for a few lines. The style could be a good parody; I just haven't seen the original.

It would be a cute reveal for a written story for Timmy and Daisy to be actually chickens. As this is written, that's not set up to be a reveal on film...they hold hands, ruffle hair, and the action is clearly shown on screen. (Rewritten, with the children never shown although the story is the same, that might work.) As it is, the last line becomes the Green Cross Code Man referring to the kids as metaphorical chickens, which is not satisfying.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

Poor story, poor formatting, and the writing is technically poor.

The story is poor in that there's no reason for Timmy to dart into the street. One second he's walking with Daisy, the next, he's darting into the street? Why?

The formatting is poor in that Timmy and Daisy should be capitalized. The name of Green Cross Road/Code Man? I don't get it? Is it Road or Code? There should be a dash before day in the slug line. Unless HIGH STREET DAY is an actual place.

The writing it technically poor in that there are commas missing which make it a difficult read.

Josh Gonzalez (Level 3)

What is the Green Cross Code and what does it have to do with this story? Who is the Green Cross Code Man? Who is Daisy and what does she have to do with this story? What is on the other side of High Street? Why does Timmy have to get there? If Timmy and Daisy are chickens, how can they be holding each others hand?

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

So are Timmy and Daisy chickens? Because they appear on the screen first and I think it's important to tell us who they are and their ages. Without warning - I think you need a period before that. The end is a bit in different tone I think.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I think this story is a great commercial for little kids. It could help them learn to cross the road. But then I got to the end and I don't think parents would like that part but the story is still good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific punchline.
Learned a new term; "high street" is apparently the same as "main street" in the US. Cool.
Daisy and Timmy need descriptions. An age will work fine for Timmy, but don't know if Daisy is his mother, sister, or aunt. Hard to believe, whatever her relationship, that she would stand by and not say anything. This strange guy, Green Cross Road Man, needs some definition too. Probably could trim his dialogue a bit. He disciplines Timmy twice in a row. There's no explanation for the "Green Cross Code."
Love the title.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like how you start off in the style of a PSA. It's a funny premise that I've seen in mashups online (particularly with GI Joe). However, there is no way that this can be filmed or animated so the audience won't be able to tell that Timmy and Daisy are chickens, and that's the only way the joke makes sense to me.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

I understand that this is a "chicken crossing the road" gag, but maybe I need to know more about the Green Cross Code.

Will the viewer know that they're chickens? If so, you need to let us know that in your writing. Remember, film is a visual medium so if it appears on the screen, you need to tell us. Initially I thought they were people.

This level of confusion indicates to me that you need to rethink your concept. What are you trying to say? Give it another go.

Also, check your punctuation. The first sentence should be "...high street. Without warning..." with a period.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I wasn't crazy about this until the last line. Ha! You got me.

So I liked this as a script, but I can't imagine how it could work visually as the viewer would know it's a chicken all along.

Also, I don't know if "Green Cross Road Man" is something that you made up or that I am just unaware of.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

I find this story ridiculous, sorry. I'm sure there are folks out there who probably think it's funny. I just don't see drama or anything worth telling. The writing itself is good, just seems like you run out of ideas. Good luck, maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Almost there I guess. I see why you wrote this and there is strength in the dialog at the end, but why not focus on the Green Cross man all the way? From the outset?

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I appreciate your effort, but I'm not quite sure I understand what's going on and there are too many screenwriting and formatting issues and errors for one-page.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It's weird, but the title instantly telegraphed the joke for me: I was waiting for a chicken joke.

There's a serious and fatal flaw here: this can only possibly work on paper, not on the screen. I was wondering from sentence one why the kids weren't described, and then it became apparent: they're chickens, and description would ruin the joke. The writer can get away with that, but this is a screenplay, eventually to be made into a movie, and the filmmaker can't do what you write. Or he could, and then the joke is over from the first shot.

Aside from that, I'm not exactly sure if Green Code Cross Man is someone I'm supposed to recognize ("Mummy" suggesteds a British writer, so maybe Green Cross is foreign to me).

There might be a way to make this work onscreen, but as it's written, it needs further thought.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Green Cross Code Man...not 100% sure I know what that is. I'm thinking the green light that tells you to cross the road. We don't have that in the US. Not green ones at least, but they do in Sweden.

Didn't make sense to me that Timmy would dart out in the street for no reason. I also had no idea how old they Timmy and the girl are. Are they kids, teenagers, adults?

You are also missing a dialogue slug.

I think this one need a little better set-up for the joke to work which is hard to do in just one page.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Booo!!! All that for a joke and a bad one at that...Boo!! :)

I like how the title fits in but didn't really enjoy the story/joke. I get it but I'm not a big fan of a punch line at the end of these one pagers.

I'm sure others will enjoy this though. Fair.
Good luck to you this month.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

aww cute and funny! I liked this a lot. I think if you had said Timmy and Daisy waddle along the street, it would give us a hint of what was to come, but we wouldn't really know it, until the last line.

So cute and entertaining. It works on paper,but I'm not sure it will work on film, because the surprise is that he is a chicken, and on film we'll already see that. But as a script, it's really good.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

Before I even get into the story, this one has a lot of problems when it comes down to basic screenwriting. First of all, the first time we see any characters, their names should be capitalized, they should have an accompanying age and there should be a small description of them soon after. This didn't have any of those.

Then, you have Green Cross Code Man in your action lines but you call him Green Cross Road Man in your dialogue. I don't know which one you wanted to call him, but you can't have both.

Then, after this line:

GREEN CROSS ROAD MAN
Have you never heard of the Green
Cross Code?

Timmy nods.

Well next time use it, sonny, or
you might never get to cross the
road again.

You should have had a character cue following "Timmy nods." You can't just continue on with your dialogue (even though it may be obvious who's talking) without letting us know which character it is.

I don't even dare go into the story because I'll admit that right off the bat, I didn't actually have a clue what was going on and by the end, I didn't care anyway. It was uninteresting and it was a complete disaster.

Poor.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

While I can appreciate the intended humor and a fresh take on an old joke, this script really missed the mark. For starters, the formatting is poor, especially in the character intros. Timmy & Daisy don't even specify age so I don't get he's a small boy until the Cross Road Man picks him up. Then the man does a lot of talking while Timmy whimpers & snivels... and Daisy seems to have vanished. I suggest starting over and get rid of most of the dialog - paint a better visual of the people, and let's have some relief or gratitude from Daisy.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I figured this would play on the "chicken crossing the road" deal... but the ending just fell flat for me. "Fucking Chickens"? What does that mean? Why would he say that? And how is that a satisfying ending to the script?

You kept my interest all the way to the end, so the lack of a meaningful ending line really made me sad.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

You forgot the character's name in a dialogue block, a pretty glaring mistake. This story was paced really well, but the ending was disappointing. The guy calling the kid a chicken wasn't really much of a payoff or a twist.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Great pace and setup. You have a good sense of story.

The last line just didn't pay off. If Timmy and the girl were supposed to be chickens, then they wouldn't be holding hands. More importantly, on screen, the audience would know from the beginning they weren't children, so the punch line would never work. And if they are actually children, the last line makes no sense.

But you use Green Cross Code Man and also refer to him as Green Cross Road Man. The character needs to have one name. (Your first sentence should either be two separate sentences or use a semi-colon.

Comments Made After the Contest

Bob Johnson (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2011 5:28 AM

Thanks for the reviews every body, quite a varied bunch of critique as ever.

The formatting issues, non capitalising of names, missing character names before dialogue, the confusion between 'green cross code man' and 'green cross road man', all guilty as charged, that's what MP is all about, helping to show up ones flaws.

For those stating this wouldn't work because everyone would see they were chickens, well I think you showed a lack of cinematic insight there. I read 54 screenplays, not one started of saying their characters were humans so why wouldn't these kds be humans? For those that didn't get it, the kids WEREN'T chickens, as someone correctly observed Green Cross Code Man was using a euphemism.

And for those that didn't know what a Green Cross Code/Road man is, stop being so lazy, take a leaf out of another MPers book and use Google or something everynow and then. I come across words and phrases I don't understand all the time so I take the time to look them up, I don't dismiss work because of it, there is another world outside of the USA you know.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2011 1:08 PM

OK, so I googled "Green Cross Code", but what is this UK they speak of? We Americans don't have time to google stuff all day long.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2011 1:34 PM

Hey Bob, Oh I see, they weren't actually chickens!! That didn't occur to me. I would change my rating to GOOD in that case. Calling them chickens is not super funny for an ending. If they were chickens that would be hilarious, but some serious thinking would be required on how to get away with that.

I didn't know the Green Cross Code thing was a "thing"... I just thought it was a name of something you made up in a work of fiction. Hard to know I was ignorant in the first place so Google never crossed my mind. I can't speak for all Americans, but I definitely know there is a world outside of America.