Comments Made During the Contest

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Note that the viewers will never know that "Freak" stands for "F. Reak". We only know because we read it. Watch the passive construction in "long black hair of FRANK REAK, 17, is pulled out of the toilet water"...stronger to let us know from the get-go who is doing the pulling, rather than waiting until the next paragraph.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

High-school stereotypes. "The Jock" versus "The Goth", Frank.

Of course, The Goth packs a gun and wants to shoot The Jock (a cliche).

And then, magically, as if a deus ex machina, out of nowhere and just in time, the love interest lands from heaven to change The Goth's mind. Very convenient, but not caused by anything that happened before or any character. The audience will feel cheated.

Frank now has to choose between revenge and a love interest, and when confronted with the choice, he just drops revenge. He's carrying a gun, but as soon as a girl smiles at him... Doesn't look like there was much at stake if he was willing to drop it that easily. Also doesn't make him some one I would root for. A psychopath; doesn't feel anything when killing people. "Hey, a girl! Oh well, might as put away this gun, see if she's up for a cup of coffee." You could have made that way more dramatic, a much stronger conflict between revenge and a love interest, as he is filled with hatred, but really likes that girl. You now have him put away the gun matter-of-factly.

I like how the two lines of dialogue refer to each other and the first time "Freak" is an insult, the second time a compliment. Clever play.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

The ending was kind of touching. Saved by the love of a goth chick. We should all be so lucky ;D

I would really rather see this expanded into a much longer piece. It's hard to build up tension to the point where it's totally believable that the character would go to the extreme of shooting the other one in only one page.

As is, it feels like a public service announcement meant for misfit teenagers. But then, nothing wrong with that.

VERY GOOD.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, no formatting issues, spelling and grammar was good.

Nice story, told well with some well written action sequences and dialogue.

Nice story, the ending was unexpected.

Good.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Does Tara not see the gun? If she does, why doesn't she, or anyone else for that matter, react to it? I like the idea that a simple act by someone can go a long way in helping a troubled teen deal with issues. I think the execution of this could be a little better.

For instance you write a lot of tiny details into the action blocks. One example: "The curly blonde-haired Jock is the last off the field. Eye black grease applied under his eyes runs a bit from sweat." For starters, you already told us he has curly blonde hair, and that he is a jock, so all of that is unnecessary. I'm not sure why you included anything about his eye black grease, it doesn't move your story forward any, nor does it give us any more information about your character, therefore, leave details like this for the director. It just takes up space on a page that needs a little more white space anyways.

The structure doesn't quite work here either. I don't think it's absolutely necessary to show how Frank is treated. The point of this script isn't to vindicate Frank, right? It is to show what happens when Tara takes a little interest in Frank (it actually saves someone's life). I think if you were to spend the first half of this putting me into Frank's head... Show him alienated and alone, even while being surrounded by his band mates. Show him eyeing down the Jock. Basically, focus the first half on Frank.

I like what your trying for here, but I do think you could execute your idea a little better.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written and paced well. No errors that I noticed.

The story here didn't do a whole lot for me, mainly because it seems like something I've seen before and not all that original. Loser gets picked on, decides to retaliate. The only question is whether they will do it or not, but both choices have been done, probably on this very website.

Nicely written script that just didn't hit the mark for me. Nice work and good luck!
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Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Did he shoot or didn't he? I wasn't quite sure.

You say 'The Jock’s pose allows a clear shot.' Then Tara says 'Cool bass!' I wondered if this referred to the SOUND of a gunshot?

Still, despite the confusion, this was well-written. I had empathy with Frank.

Very good.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this, like how you didn't use the pat, expected ending. It is a bit far-fetched that the girl and no one else in the stands sees the pistol drawn. Maybe if she asked what he was doing and he squirted water out of it...

Liked this one.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Probably would've been happier if he killed the guy. One pagers always lend themselves to happy endings.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like this a lot. I especially like the way you capture this one moment in time, when this one kindness from one person unknowingly prevents a tragedy for another.

It's tough to do this in page, but I think you manage it without getting melodramatic.

Very well done.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I read this once and waited for a week to read it again. I liked it a lot better the second time. It is a whole story, which seems to be going in a familiar direction but has a nice twist at the end. This is one of my favorites so far this month.

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

Darren Seeley (Level 3)

High school Jocks bully a teen rocker. Rocker sneaks gun in football game and plans to shoot the jock between the eyes. Frank the Rocker has an admirerer who unwittingly stops him. Pretty easy to follow, but I have to admit, at first I thought Frank was part of the marching band. That also creates a slight plot hole, since there's quite a number of missing characters. What missing characters? Well, even if he is not part of a marching band, he is part of the percussion band at least. He does not play bass alone, right? There has to be others present.

Also, why is the team getting a crowd of fans revved up over practice drills *at night*? Think about it for a moment- a crowd of fans, (students, parents, maybe some faculty) and the band. And the team is only running a "drill". Was there something wrong with say, the home team leading at the half, for example?

Just curious.

David Patterson (Level 3)

A story with a beginning middle and end. You sure packed a lot into one page. I had a hard time visualizing Freak for some reason. Didin't TARA see the gun? Anyway...nice job.

David Serra (Level 4)

You have created a very clear story with belivable characters and a interesting setup. I liked the fact that Frank didn't shoot the Jock and although that leaves the question on what will become of him and Tara?

Overall, Very Good.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

What struck interesting is there are only 3 small lines of dialogue and I LOVE dialogue as long as it is not too "on the nose".

This seemed kind of like a story with lots of exposition in the action lines.

I think it was written well and followed the correct formatting.
Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

I was put off a bit at the beginning because I hate the idea of bullies. And the tragedy that seemed about to happen made me like the situation even worse. Then the nice ending - the save. You definitely got emotion out of me. Nice job.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

I really liked your intro of blackness combined with your descriptive sounds. I began guessing what it could be and I couldn't pin it right away. But I thought that was an excellent way to begin your script.

From here the story progresses typically. The dialogue was too cheap and sparse and the blocks of text were too long. But overall, I thought you did a great job for a one pager.

I'm teetering back and forth between a Very Good and an Excellent, but for now it's a Very Good. Nice job and keep it up!

Ed Jones (Level 4)

The character's are defined in terms of their physical details which makes them difficult to visualise especially when action is taking place. Frank has 'long black hair'; 'dyed hair' and 'eye liner' which does tell us something of his character but in a fragmentary way.

The instance of Jock is even more to the point: 'Curly blonde hair atop a Varsity football jacket turns' which has the added confusion of the hair itself turning.

The story is an original take on the problem of guns in the hands of immature and mentally unstable characters. Here, due to a diversion appealing to the would-be assailant's vanity, the threat has subsided. For now.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Okay. I like the title, and the story is clever with what it does not say. With limited space for dialogue good use of subtext is made here. Some may require something more concrete, but good job and this would certainly be easy enough to film.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

You have a great, easy writing style. Very enjoyable.

This story didn't grab me, but I'm not even sure if that's your fault. It's not that I'm TIRED of "misunderstood kid gets violent revenge on popular kid" scripts, I guess I just want to see more ingenuity, you know?

I liked the little twist at the end where Freak is saved from his own poor judgement by a like-minded girl, but...as soon as Freak brandished a gun, I stopped caring about him...which means I suddenly didn't have a single character in the script that I actually LIKED.

The more I think about it, I think this is the way I feel:
Your hero doesn't have to be a hero when they have a gun. Especially when they're pointing it at someone's back. I want to see Freak HUMILIATE the jock, not surprise-murder him. I want to see Freak prove his intellectual superiority over the jock, you know?

What is it that the jock holds dear? What is Freak's strength? Figure those things out and use Freak's advantage to exploit the jock's vulnerability. That would give us somebody to root for...a HERO.

Galen Westerfield (Level 2)

This script treats the fact that Frank brings a gun to a high school football game too lightly. We get the sense that Frank is regularly picked on and can understand him wanting revenge, but murder is very serious and it's hard to believe that a swirly is enough to push someone over the edge toward that course of action, unless Frank is a frighteningly unstable character. I fail to see how Tara's presence provides any sort of resolution.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A 17 yr old boy seeks vengeance on a tormenter

Interesting take on the high school shooting scenario.

The writer made us feel the boy's anger.

It starts as a serious tale and then he is distracted by a girl. What's up with that? Didn't she and everyone else see the gun? Is that all it takes to stop a shooting?

17 seems a little old for toilet dunking. Knuckles white with rage-how do we know knuckles are mad? When the jock (intro please) is offscreen, how do we know he is speaking over his shoulder?

No need to make up the name Frank Reak, it lessens the impact of the story.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

I love the title, although maybe FReak might make some catch on that his name is F. Reak. Your craft is good, I didn't find any mistakes. The dialogue is very limited but what there is seems realistic and natural for these characters. Your action lines are fine, they paint a clear picture. The story is good, and I like that he was stopped from shooting the jock unintentionally by Tara. There are a couple of things that, for me, didn't quite seem to fit. First is that Frank is in the marching band but is described more as a goth type. Those two don't usually mix. Also, marching bands don't have bass guitars with amps. How could you march with that?

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Nice script!

That reminds me of the scripture at Proverbs 15:1. A good comment turns away rage. I think Tara's compliment just saved a life here!
Meaning mere words of mouth can spark life or end a precious life in Freak's case.

That was a good one my friend! Exactly in line with the overall logic of the competition. Good job!

James Hughes (Level 5)

I like opening shot.

"Freak. You suck." That was good dialogue. Doesn't make any sense which is why I believe a high school kid saying that.

I like that the dialogue at the end is the same.

I am wondering if the gun even needs to be in this film. Sitting alone on the bench shows him as the outcast already. To me, this is about small things being important at that age, etc. and the potential shooting is too major of an event in this story which overshadows the real message going on. Also, I would like the freak but not after he's about to shoot up the joint. I give it a very good.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

VG. Great positive ending. Unpredictable as I thought it was going to end with revenge taken.

My only suggestion is that after Tara is introduced, don't go on to say He in the next sentence. Actually say Frank. When I first read he I had to stop and figure out who that pronoun was referring to.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Wow, This was too cool. I kinda knew something was going to stop him, but that was nicely done. I LOVED how she called him Freak, too. That was a really nice touch. It just made the name all the better.

Excellent script. The descriptions were on point too.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

Good title. I thought the story was adequate and it was written well. My high point was definitely the visual of the freak's eyeliner and the jock's eyeblack. That is defintely written by someone with a good visual writer's eye. Good story.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I thought this was mostly really good and well written with a few points that let it down. Firstly, I think the two main characters (Frank and the Jock) are both far too stereotypical, I know it's hard to define characters well in a single page but these two were just too parallel with the conventions of their character types. Also, I've seen quite a few stories along these lines on moviepoet, you need to find a way to make this distinctly seperate from the others which follow this basic plot, add something a little different.

"Good". Well Done :)

Josh Gonzalez (Level 3)

How does Frank resolve his bully problem? The introduction of Tara is a subplot and though Frank puts the gun away and doesn't settle his dispute with the Jock right then, it doesn't resolve anything. Does the Jock continue to harass Frank? Does Frank ever get the respect he wants? Does Frank end up with Tara?

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I really liked it. You seem to pack a lot in your one-pager but it works. Not sure if it's a movie - a little info provided as why there's a feud between the Jock and the Freak. Might look like the Freak just postponed the kill as opposed to have changed his mind about it completely. So Very Good on your one-pager for me. A little too subtle to be an Excellent I think.

Kisha King (Level 4)

The story is written well. The end of it is nice. The story is straight forward but I think it could of used a twist of some sort something to give it more zing. Like maybe she had a gun out right before she saw him. Then both of them put their guns away. Anyway I think the sory is great.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Lots of visual fodder. Particularly fond of the detail like the description of Frank's hair, eyeliner, water stains on his band uniform, and his white knuckles. Provides a riveting mental picture. "Frank Reak" is an interesting character name.
Might introduce "the Jock" onscreen and include "curly blonde hair atop a Varsity football jacket" in his description. Would read a little easier than the O.S. dialogue with the wrylie. Maybe include Frank's multi-piercings in his initial description too. Imagine they'd be noticeable when he's all wet.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked the reversal of "Freak", from insult to compliment.

Ultimately, this is an idea that I've seen before, and even then it didn't have the ring of emotional truth to it. It doesn't fit the profile of most school shooters, and the idea that one compliment from a girl would stop him is incredibly sentimental.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I thought this was good.

I appreciate what I perceive the message to be here, but it all seemed a little too black and white to me - the characters and their actions. I understand it's difficult to get too multidimensional in one page, but that was the feeling that I was left with.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

The story is good. Was Frank really going to shoot the Jock right in front of the crowd? You say it was packed. I'd want to do it somewhere less crowded.
Your action paragraphs are too chunky.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

All is well for the mentally unstable Frank. Should I be worried for Tara.

I dunno these types of stories always seem to justify violence and defuse the situation with love.
Freak should have gotten his face blown off by a securityguard named Tara.

Nicely written, although I hardly agree with the conclusion.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I like how you ended this with hope, but the themes and build-up did feel very familiar, I'm afraid.

"Freak" being a contraction of Frank Reak felt a little on-the-nose and that reference won't make it to the screen as per this draft anyway. Also, I wish Tara didn't refer to Frank as "Freak".

Good.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

You conjure up the atmosphere of high school, especially on the football field. Frank's name is a little on-the-nose (and honestly, at first I thought his name was Frank Freak, which might have been the greatest name of all time) but the rest works well. Maybe it's a bit derivative - with Glee all the rage, swirlies are getting pretty old - but you take the elements and run with them.

I can't really improve this. Nice work.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I'm glad Freak didn't go ahead and shoot the jock.

A little cliche with the jock being blond. Seems like they always are and usually handsome too. Why couldn't he be a black guy for example? Or Mexican or anything else for that matter.

His name being Frank Reak seemed forced to me. Would a parent really name their kid that if the last name was Reak.

Anyway, good story. I liked it.

R. L. Robinson (Level 3)

The quick escalation from swirly in the bathroom to locked and loaded with the sights set ready to shoot is great. As with most fragile men, a woman's influence compels the Freak to remain composed. Who doesn't love a bully who gets taught a lesson but in this case thank goodness for ms. Tara. I enjoyed this quick moving piece great job!

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Not bad. Story didn't wow me much but it wasn't bad. Just didn't grab me. I liked the ending.

Good luck to you this month.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought the story was interesting. There's so much bullying in schools these days, and these things can really have so many repercussions. I was glad that he didn't shoot the jock. A kind word from someone else, acceptance, can make all the difference.

I enjoyed your story.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

I was hoping to avoid a happy ending on that one. But, you can't get everything you want. Overall, I enjoyed the story and there were a bunch of different ways you could take the ending.

There were zero to few grammatical or formatting errors so that's good.

Not much else to say really.

Very good.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Whew - I breathed a sigh of relief at the end. Very nicely done, strong characters for only one page.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This is gonna sounds weird, but my favorite thing about this script is the following description:

"Pounds of buttons".

Brilliant visual.

Having said that, I like the completeness of the story. But I really think something as simple as a little judicicious reformatting of the action blocks would improve this.

Oh, and I don't think the girl would approach if Frank has a gun in his hands and is aiming it at someone. You need to consider changing that bit.

I'm giving this a Very Good.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Who was Tara and why was she so important so as to stop him from shooting? You write of such a huge and impending scenario but you give no real weight to it whatsoever and have the whole thing called off by some random girl. Good writing, though!

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

This is okay, but the cliche element is overwrought. I totally love the repetition of the line and its dual meaning, but maybe there can be a different antagonist besides the hackneyed, blond-haired, blue-eyed football hero.

Comments Made After the Contest

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2011 4:18 PM

Riiick! This was great!! Ah man, I'm surprised this didn't at least get an honorable mention. Great job, as always.

A Poor? Straight foolery...

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2011 5:19 PM

This was great. I wouldn't think this story would be possible or even work so well in one page, but you managed to really pull it off. Your craft is excellent and this would make a wonderful short film.

David M Troop (Level 4) ~ 3/30/2013 10:29 AM

Went back into the archives to read this because you mentioned it was in production, and somehow I missed it.

I liked the positive message. We all need to be accepted for who we are. When that happens, it really does change a person. A universal theme.

Loved the bookend use of the dialogue.

This should be a powerful film. Can't wait to see it.

A belated EXCELLENT.