Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

The story really didn't grab me cause it didn't have any new to add. A jewel thief who steals a big diamond and the only conflict comes at the very end with some sirens. You need to find something that will make we wonder if he can pull this off. There are no obstacles for him. Good luck.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

I like the way you suggested other people (the guard's sign, etc.) I wouldn't have thought it was possible to write a heist script with only one character.

The one thing I'm not sure about is the whole twist with Marie. Does David not know her last name? He was trying to meet someone named Inspector Gainsbourg, right? So the surprise didn't really work for me. It struck me as too implausible, although I do think with more characters (and more pages) you could really make this story into something great.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Excellently written, but suffers from two problems. Firstly a crowbarred interpretation of the 'one person' rule, in which the reader is asked to suspend disbelief that these public locations are entirely deserted. The second problem is the cliche meter which is set quite high as our protag utilizes grapling hooks to navigate courtyards and extinguishers to reveal laser alarm systems at which point he flips through in the same way we've seen time and time again. Still, a good read nevertheless.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

This is a very rich script - I like the pacing and the story idea - I just think you've got way too large a moment here for a five page script. I think you have the basis for a feature here, if you add more to the characters in terms of what makes them individuals.

Since five pages equals around five minutes, there's no way that all of this could be conveyed in that time - but this is good - turn it into a beat sheet for the feature you really should write for this story!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This story was well written but I think the title gave away the entire plot. I would try to come up with a different title for it, if possible.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Very much the same plot as Entrapment, except without Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones!

Although there was a lot of action there weren't any surprises that jumped out and grabbed me. Even the fact that Marie was in the police...

I couldn't understand why he felt the need to rip down all his work and set fire to it. Nor could I understand why he wanted to be with Marie when he knew she was in the police.

Mostly, I think, I couldn't get a sense of the character of David, so empathy was lacking, and it's empathy that drives one to want to read on.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I thought this was a great little caper film.

The pacing was excellent and it made for a very fun read.

I like the character, the descriptions, and especially the ending.

Very well done.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Loved the story. It was a great heist, well done. The only thing that threw me was the time frame and that there was nobody on the stairs at the municipal building at 12:00 ish. It was a little unrealistic and really pulled me away from the story.

Otherwise, it was awesome!

thanks and good luck!

Deborah Zaniolli (Level 3)

I liked how you used open spaces and kept the one character only in the script. Interesting!

DW Pollard (Level 4)

I liked the twist, but the story itself lacked in the way of drama and tension. David is an interesting character, but everything was too easy, too cut and dried; I kept waiting for something to happen.

All of the reading and description also made the script drag a little bit too long; it should have been broken up some (though I'm not sure how exactly - maybe some difficulties or conflict would have made it more interesting and flow smoother).

Jacob Schantz (Level 3)

Excellent screenplay. Incredibly tense and well crafted, this script was on top of it’s game the entire time. David was incredibly well drawn, and I enjoyed seeing his plans play out, and felt a little heartbroken for him.
The action was tense, and the narration felt very real for his character.
I’m not sure you need to label the montage scenes with letters, but it didn’t matter.
One of the best in the competition.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

A nice thriller in Forsyth/Higgins fashion. Maybe borrows a little from Zeta Jones, and the cake thing seems a little far-fetched. The whole message telephone thing isn't quite clear.

John Foley (Level 4)

I like the pacing and the action in this script.

Kirk White (Level 5)

this was solid. nicely crafted. well paced. But I have to admit a bit boring...it's definately a story we've seen before and there was really nothing new or unique to set it apart from Ocean's 12 or Entrapment or any other heist movie. I liked the twist with the birthday cake at the end...perhaps your story is in that relationship?

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

Overall you've written a good script. However I would leave out the close ons. Leave that to the director. Nice twist to the ending having Marie not only being a cop but turning him in as well. I can see this being expanded to a longer script, setting up the relationship between David and Marie.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

This is pretty ambitious… I mean having a character that plans and executes a heist within just five pages. But I think you pulled it off all right.

Conflict kicks in right away, since this guy is planning something interesting from the first page. Kudos on that.

I was a little confused with two things that are obviously related to each other. Your character’s call to the inspector and Marie’s note and picture at the end. I thought that he was dating a police officer without knowing it, and that led to his capture, but then I remembered his phone call. What was the phone call for and how does it relate to the end of the story? Didn’t he know that Marie and the inspector were the same person?

On a side note, you should notice that the heist itself goes exactly according to plan, which is cool… to some extent. Usually in heist films, something goes wrong during the crime, an alarm that the protagonist didn’t know of, an extra guard, etc. So the protagonist has to improvise. That’s when the real thrills kick in: when something goes wrong.

The meatiest conflict appears when things don’t happen according to the hero’s plan, that’s the seed of suspense in these type of movies. Your heist scene was not a bad read, but if you turn up the heat a bit and make your hero sweat, it could read a lot better.

Anyways, I think you did a good job overall.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

This was written very well, the pace was excellent. I wasn't a huge fan of the handsprings and all that but it fits. Great plot with the surprise at the end, I'm not sure there is a way to improve this....

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Pretty good, a thriller in 5 minutes. What I think could be improved is suspense, there really wasn't any. There should also be some foreshadowing of the end. That would be difficult without another person there but it probably could be done. Anyway, nice job.

Paul Young (Level 3)

STORY/STRUCTURE = 8/10
DIALOG = 9/10
CHARACTER = 10/10
FEASIBILITY = 6/10
ENDING = 9/10

TOTAL = 42/50

The story moves along swiftly with lots of action throughout. The main character is well developed and... despite being a thief, a very likeable charismatic ladies man that the audience would like. For some reason I pictured Pierce Brosnam as the lead flipping through the lasers. The dialog was creative, especially with the one-character restriction rule. I really liked the twist at the end too with the detective. I guess charisma can be a two-edged sword after all. The only significant problem I can see with it is the feasibility factor... particularly with the museum scene. Well written!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I thought this was a very well written piece, however there wasn't really a lot of surprises here. We know all along what this is about and what he is planning.

I guess with Marie being a police woman it gave it a little bit of a twist, but at the end of this script I had already forgot about her so it didn't really seem like that big of a surprise.

Also thought it seemed a little weird to have David go all these places without anyone around anywhere.

Like I said, very well written, but somewhat predictable.

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Ocean's 14 and François Toulour is warming up. I'm wondering how stiff that museum ticket is. Ah, Toulour and lasers. Nice. And a cop for a girlfriend as well, tres 12 de Ocean.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Very cool. I love a well structured caper. The heist scenes were top notch and the birthday cake and photo at the end while police sirens wail brought great closure to a terrific capsule of a story. Fantastic images crammed into a neat five page package. Loved it. This deserves to contend.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Loved your heist sequence.

I can't believe he didn't run into anyone in the museum.

Nice twist at the end!

Robin Williams (Level 3)

Well written but a bit predictable.

Not sure why he made the call about the museum. And apparently he doesn’t know this woman well because he doesn’t know where she works?

We’ve seen the laser beam/contortionist bit before. Also, a museum with something that pricey would have more secure bathroom windows or at least check them daily.

Still, a good read.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

You packed a lot of story into five pages! Good work. I really liked the script. Lots of intrigue and suspense. The ending worked well for me.
Nice job!

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

The main story I'm guessing is, he is playing a cat and mouse game with Inspector Gainsbourg because he wants to see her. I just don't understand why he goes through all the planning if he's going to tell her where he'll be. He says "find me" but he's leading her right to him and he tells her where he's staying. To me, "find me" is like I'll leave you clues, you have to connect the dots, the only thing is the dots are already connected. Overall, the writting is nice but the story really didn't make sense to me.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Too many scene transitions & series of shots (which I don't much like anyway) made it hard to visualize all the action; too much crammed into a short space of time so I couldn't relate to the protagonist at all. The twist at the end came from nowhere, unless maybe I missed a clue in the beginning?

Trevor Bryon (Level 3)

Great.

Every line is doing work and you fit a lot in. Funny and well put together.

The part lacking is the police-woman. It is impossible to work-out what she has really in-fact done and what her motivations are. Not surprising considering she is not actually in the script offically, but it is the only part that does not add up.

Best so far by a country mile.

William Coleman (Level 5)

This reads quickly and easily, but I wish there was a little more detail. Was David checking out how it could be done. I got lost. My fault? I'm not sure. I read it twice and then read the last page again and again.

A suggestion: Perhaps David does all the things needed for the heist and gets to the point of lifting the diamond out of its place and walks away. Then he calls... Just an idea. Or another, as he checks out things he finds someone was ahead of him step by step.

You did keep it solo.

Correction and a big one: My printer zonked out at page three and I thought it was over! However, what I was intuiting may suggest that your robbery sequence is a little predictable. The ending = as you will se eblow - is less so.

The final two pages are very cinematic - but a little familiar. We've seen a lot of jewel heists in our time at the movies. The en twist, however, is great.

Comments Made After the Contest

Trevor Bryon (Level 3) ~ 11/1/2007 12:12 AM

Wow, I really thought this deserved a lot better than this. I thought it was a place getter for sure.

Michael Thede (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2007 3:26 AM

Cheers to everyone for reading and commenting on this!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/1/2007 9:39 AM

Great story. One of my favorites this month and I'm not all surprised to find out it was you who wrote it.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2007 7:19 PM

Michael, I agree with Trevor. I felt for sure this would be at the top. You have a terrific sense of presentation. This was a joy to read.

Michael Thede (Level 4) ~ 11/3/2007 8:41 PM

Every month, I keep saying I'm going to get back to everyone about their comments and then I never get around to it. Well, this month I'm actually going to do it. So...

1) There was a lot of confusion about the exact nature of the relationship between David and Marie. Did he know who she was? If so, why was he leading her to him?

As I pictured it, they'd had a relationship with each other in the past, but that it had ended because Marie was caught between her love for David (a known criminal) and her devotion to her job as a police officer. David was heart-broken and only now has returned to Paris to try and steal the Von Schmirdorff Diamond (this is, after all, what he does for a living). He can't resist his love for Marie and is desperate to get her back (knowing full well she could arrest him for stealing the diamond). However, she ignores his phone calls (the first one left on her answering machine, the second left with the police force), standing him up at the hotel bar on his birthday. This is for me where the real story lies in the script...

2) David Bettencourt. A lot of people said they liked him, others said they didn't get him. A couple of people mentioned Pierce Brosnan and Francois Toulour!

I hadn't thought of Toulour, but I actually pictured Brosnan from THE MATADOR when I was writing this. Before I started writing the script I jotted a short statement about who I wanted this character to be: Somebody with high class tastes who could jump out of an airplane with a million bucks. I wonder if I'd thought of Toulour if I still would've written this for all the similiarities I can think of now.

3) A few people commented that the story offered nothing new, that it was something we'd seen before.

As I was coming to the end of writing this only one film had popped in to my mind: THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR. I hadn't thought about OCEAN'S TWELVE or ENTRAPMENT, but you've definitely got me there. Again, I wonder if I had known if I still would've written this.

4) There were also some comments to the effect that the heist was too easy, that there weren't any real obstacles for David to over-come.

I agree. My original idea was to have the main thrust of the story be about a lone burglar who comes up against the latest state-of-the-art museum security system while attempting a big diamond heist. However, I know little about security systems and was able to track down suprisingly little about how they work on the internet. In effect, I didn't think I would be able to take it to the level that would be needed to make it interesting.

I did however come across something which took me in an entirely different direction. In October 1964, the Star of India was stolen from the American Museum of Natural History in New York. The theives had unlocked a bathroom window during regular operating hours and then slipped in after the museum closed. They'd been tipped off to the fact that the battery for the only alarm guarding the Star of India was dead (so there was, in effect, nothing guarding it). After reading this, I decided that instead of trying to beef up the museum security, I would try and make it ridiculously easy for David to steal and shift the real conflict over to his relationship with Marie (don't know if I succeeded though)...

Michael Thede (Level 4) ~ 11/3/2007 8:41 PM

...5) There was some confusion about the second phone call (made to the police).

I think perhaps the most confusing part about it is that he mentions the museum itself. What he's actually supposed to be doing is leaving a message for Marie to meet him at the hotel bar to celebrate his birthday with him and he's giving the person he's speaking to directions to the hotel. We don't know it at this point, but the hotel is right next door to the museum. This is what he is in fact supposed to be clarifying with the person he's speaking to (though I will definitely grant it's not clear at all to the reader!).

6) The birthday cake. Some people liked it, someone said it was too far-fetched.

I'm glad that most people seemed to enjoy that bit at the end. A lot of that is based on an episode out of my own life and it's something that I've been wanting to incorporate into a script for some time now.

7) The moment was way too big for 5 pages.

True. Even I can't picture this playing out in 5 minutes, despite the fact that it fits (barely) on to five pages. There was a lot more that I wanted to incorporate into David's character in particular that I had to leave out, though given the similarities to the other movies and characters above, I'll have to go back and reassess what I've written to see if I can't put some distance between my story and those other films.

8) The suggestion to have him not steal the diamond.

I definitely mulled this one over in my head. Unfortunately, I think it comes down to either he steals it or he doesn't. The deciding factor in my mind was that the twist at the end wouldn't have played out the same if he hadn't actually committed the crime. In a way, the whole reason he was planning on stealing the diamond was to get Marie's attention so he could see her again. Now that he's stolen the diamond, he's got it.

Phew! That's far too much out of me. I hope that I responded to most of the comments and didn't confuse people more. Again, thanks to everyone who took the time to comment on this. I love getting feedback from people and it's a big part of the reason why I'm hooked on Movie Poet!