Comments Made During the Contest

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

Wow... this was really good. I didn't see the ending coming at all. It's kind of sad, kind of peaceful. The story was well-executed. There were a couple parts that's telling the reader stuff, though. "Realizes he’s been shot in the gut" can be blood soaks his uniform or something like that. Anyway, that doesn't even really matter because this is a really great story with a sad but surprising twist.

Also, I guess the main downside is that this may be hard to film, but other than that, this is great.

Excellent job!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

A sixth-sense type of turn-around in the end when we realize the whole home-coming was the dream he had while dying. Ironic ending, he dies, but he dies happy as he's with his loved ones in his mind.

Jesus welcomes John home. All his loved ones know he'll go to heaven, so it seems like a bittersweet ending. But I'm not religious so I it doesn't feel right to me... To me it is an incredibly sad thought to have all your loved ones at a funeral, mourning. But I guess it is a consoling idea for the people left behind that their loved one goes to heaven.

Well-written. You managed to squeeze in a few scenes on just one page. And the story is very powerful, it did do something to me.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

My eyes started wandering off the page at the beginning because I don't like war stuff.

Jesus and soldiers... Well, that really ups the ante for me. I really do not care for the message here at all. It is as if to say that Jesus approved of war, which he clearly did not. This could be viewed as a propaganda piece promoting the armed forces to Christians.

As for the story itself, I don't really understand why he was on the plane, and then home and holding his baby. The latter I can see being explained as a flashback. But the plane? And well, it says the baby is a newborn. So maybe that wasn't a flashback either. I'm confused.

Here's how I interpret everything that happens after he was wounded: It was all in his head. A dying man's delusions.

But that makes Jesus a figment of his imagination too. I'm pretty sure that wasn't what you were going for.

In any case, I regret that I have to give this a [1] because I would walk out of the theatre. Sorry!

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, no formatting issues, spelling and grammar was good.

Nice story, told well with some well written action sequences and dialogue.

Thank the Lord Jesus is on the side of the marines.

I felt it to be a little corny, a good write though.

Good.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

A touching story, albeit a tad melodramatic. How the events work-out feel a bit manipulative. You give us 4 different locations as some kind of life-flashing-before-the-eyes moment: the airplane ride home, the welcoming party at the airport, the Christmas setting at his house, and then the church. That feels a bit much to then reveal that he's laying dead on the battlefield and that those 4 settings were never real. One way around being so manipulative is this: the plane ride "home" could be his 'soul' going to meet Jesus, the Airport welcoming party could be when he meets Jesus, you could fit the Christmas setting in between as an imagined state if you wanted. As it is right now I feel strong-armed by the writer into thinking he actually returned home.

Outside of that, this is pretty good. I imagine this will probably receive fairly good reviews.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was pretty well written and paced but the bold sluglines were a distraction and I think they should have 2 empty lines above them instead of 1.

The story here was nice. I'm not sure what the scenes of family reunion were supposed to represent though. John's life flashing before his eyes? Jesus gave him a glimpse of how sweet the life he'll be missing out on would have been? I wasn't clear on that exactly although I did get the bigger picture here. He got killed, got a moment of imaginary bliss in his second of death and then realized he was dead and went to heaven.

Overall, I thought this was pretty good, but I'd like to see just a little more clarification as mentioned above. Nice effort and good luck!

Briant Weylin (Level 2)

I've been gone from MoviePoet for a while and was treated to this script as the first I reviewed on return.

Story: Loved it. Excellent story, easy for just about anyone to understand and relate to. By the end of the page I was fully engrossed in the story, which why it wasn't until my re-read that I felt John walking up to the casket in the middle of a service felt a bit forced/awkward if he didn't know he was the one in the casket.

Writing Technique: One of the most challenging elements to screen writing is to write directly to what the audience should see. I feel that statements like "the enemy seems to be everywhere and nowhere" and "John realizes its not an ordinary service" need a bit of tweeking. Otherwise very well written. Keep up the good work, looking forward to reading more of it :)
B~

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

I really like the idea that you have for this story, but there's just something about it that keeps me from giving it a higher score.

The scene at John's house threw me for a loop. I'm sure that was done with the intentions to set-up your ending, but it really just confused me in the long run.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Great script - the only thing I wasn't quite sure of was some of the intermediate scenes between his injury and the realisation that he is dead - particularly the scene with the amputee. It didn't seem to have any purpose that furthered the storyline.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Excellent job here. Well developed and interesting. There is a complete story here and a moving one at that. Only thing I question is Jesus saying WElcome Home Soldier, doesn't sound like something he might say.

Still, one of the best I've read. Great job.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

So you are saying people who commit a mortal sin go to Heaven? 'Thou shalt not kill', means nothing to you? Or are you saying this soldiers aim was so bad that he didn't kill anyone or that Muslims aren't people so they don't count. If you are lucky you will have a chance to discuss your views with the big man, but I'm afraid with that kind of attitude it'll be a tough road.

I guess I'm saying that this is a tough subject that you tried to handle in one page. I infuriated chaplains in the military. They tried to say ignore those 10 commandments, but I said I know what they say and I know I'm willingly violating them, so millions of others don't have to and can enjoy peace. Which was a sacrifice I was willing to make. They tried to say that killing combatants was ok in God's eye, so I reminded them that bombs don't discriminate with whom they kill. Boy that ruffled their feathers. :)

I would've liked to know how the insurgent (freedom fighter to some :) got killed? Overall good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was interesting. It reminded me of "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge".

It's very powerful. It does however feel a bit rushed. Also, I'm not sure you need to actually have the meeting with Jesus. I think just having him return in the moment that he dies with the medic working over him is enough. Sometimes simpler is better.

I think with a small rewrite this could be really great.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

The idea of this one reminds me of a one-page "Jacob's Ladder". It was well written. I didn't quite get the symbolism of blood oozing out of the stomach of the image of Christ on the Crucifix. If there was something more than just being weird, I didn't catch it.

All and all, it was a complete story and well done.

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Emotional. The topic is a grab your heart - and you did a good job. You were able to tell a complete story on one page.

A little too religious for me, but I am going to give it an excellent in that it was not preachy but beautifully done.

Excellent. Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

I was fooled for about a half of page, then I realized what had to be happening, because if it wasn't, the story is about nothing. So, good job. I think you might have given us hints earlier - something that would make the reader think "that's odd" kind of like in Sixth Sense. Anyway, good job for one page!

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

This is a very good idea, but I think more build up and focus should've been on his funeral. Instead of saying "it's not an ordinary Sunday service. It's a funeral"... show us that it's a funeral. Describe people crying, let the pastor say solemn words of remembrance, describe the eerie casket, etc.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

There have been many attempts to portray the afterlife in film but even though this version uses the present day context of Afganistan, and so appeals to our present hightened emotion towards ultimate sacrifice, it offers nothing original and tends, for me, towards the mawkish. Otherwise, well written and formatted and a title suited to the general tone.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Fade to white, ha, clever. You've given the "life flashing before your eyes" a twist. Caught me by surprise, good job although I'm not a fan of religious propaganda.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

One of my favorite movies of all time is Jacob's Ladder. If you haven't seen it, please do. (It's very disturbing in some parts...not for the faint of heart...if that's not your bag, don't take my advice.)

Here's my problem: I love ORIGINAL scripts. It's what does it for me. If it's out there, I'm in to it.

What you've written here is a very nice script, but it doesn't feel...new. You know?

Here's one thing that I think is a serious gamble, and I say this as a devout Christian, so this is not religion-bashing in any way: don't put Jesus on screen. In my opinion, it is IMPOSSIBLE to do without being corny. Everyone has their own image of Christ and what he's like and what his voice sounds like...your only hope is to go with the "traditional" look of Jesus, and I've NEVER seen that done where it didn't come off weird. Just one man's opinion here, take it with a grain of salt.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A soldier is wounded.

I felt this one. Usually, I don't care for stories with religion in it but something about it resonated with me. At first, I thought the enemy had been shot in the gut.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Great title, and very appropriate for this story. Your craft is also good. The dialogue (only two lines) is fine. Your action lines are good, everything is clear, no confusion. The story is good, but depressing. It is a heart wrenching but all too realistic story. The "FADE TO WHITE" is a nice touch.
Good job.

James Hughes (Level 5)

Would that first line need more detail? What takes place during a hellacious gun battle. I wouldn't know what to film if I were the director.
This reminds me of jacobs ladder, and so the story didn't seem that original for me. I don't think you need to emphasize that it is a funeral.
The thing that stuck out at me about this script were a couple of the images like the thumbs up from the soldier who is an amputee and the blood oozing from the statue's belly. Those things intrigued me about the story, they were original and surprising.

Jason Shevchuk (Level 1)

Very visual. I like the way your scenes flow; quick and too the point. You've executed the this month's theme perfectly.
Although a bit cliche in terms of it's sentimentality, this piece would be a perfect fit for TBN's reboot of the Twilight Zone.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Oh!! That was nice!! Took me completely off guard!! I was wondering whether the bleeding Jesus was a figment of his imagination or you just wrote it weird, but he was dead. Aw, man, that was really good. And really sad at the same time.

Excellent script man. I was going through a dry spell full of goods, but this one made me smile (in a sad kind of way).

Your craft is amazing too. Very descriptive. A very clean and easy read. Will look over this again at the end of the month. I see that you use the new bold sluglines. I think I might shift over to that now. I like it. :)

Again, excellento!

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Whilst the intension behind this was clearly to be somewhat heartwarming and somewhat tragic, I find I've seen this story and structure to many times before to go along with it. To be more specific, the thing I've seen so often before is the halucination or imaginings of survival and a happy life just before a character dies, it's just been done to death. Also, the appearence of Jesus at the end might alienate quite a large proportion of your audience, just something to keep in mind. Technically, this script is pretty darn good, it's just those other things that put me off it a bit.

Jo Gates (Level 3)

This is a classic idea--the moment of dying--from "Owl Creek Bridge" to "Jacob's Ladder" and more. This series of imagined scenes didn't work for me. Actually, the first one seems to change the tone and make the final twist more of a betrayal than a surprise. It may be the fact that John interacts with another soldier on the plane in the first imagined scene, which doesn't strike me as happy imagining like the following scenes where he's welcomed home and enjoying Christmas with his family. Imagining his own funeral is then another change in tone. Good idea, and some good writing. Overall the tory didn't hang together solidly.

Josh Gonzalez (Level 3)

'Between a rock and a hard place' is not very descriptive. Unless his exact location is important I would leave it out to save space. Is the insurgent evil? Jesus doesn't seem to be concerned that John has killed another human being nor that the insurgent shot John and killed him. Should he be? Do the marines allow amputees to serve as medics in the field? Has John learned anything from his experience in this war? Is he happy about dying so young?!

Julio Weigend (Level 1)

I hate to begin a comment with technical nits, but finding six misplaced commas and puncuation mistakes in a single page Short is truly something that MUST be mentioned. Another revision would help this script greatly. Aside that, though, I think the author's actual words and phrasing were very well-chosen -- sentence fragments are everywhere, but they are quite clearly intentional and they are able to paint images in the reader's mind very quickly.

Storywise: I'll just say that, while effective on an emotional level, this is a story we've seen one hundred thousand times before, and nothing particularly unique is done with it other than the fact that it's been given a more specifically-Christian theme, which might narrow an audience more than expand it. It might sound like I'm bashing the story, but I am not -- it plays like a decent Drama, and though the conclusion of it would be predictable on any other ocassion, the script being a one-pager gave little room to see it coming. I will rate this as "Good."

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think your short is well written but I stumbled in a few places. For example I don't understand what I see here "The enemy seems to be anywhere and nowhere". Then I don't understand why John tries not to flinch when he sees an amputee. Overall, I think it doesn't pose a question for me, so I'm not looking for an answer at the end. "John stands, looks around, realizes" - I think you better cinematically show his realization, I won't know if written like this.
I think the idea might be good, it just requires more pages.

Kisha King (Level 4)

I really like the very beginning when John was in combat. In the heading you never indecate that he was having a dream or fantasy or anything. In the church scene I cannot follow where John is standing. In the beginning it looks like he is in the front of the church looking at Sarah and his parents then at the end he is walking down the aisle then sees his casket.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Love the title, even before reading a word, and those bold sluglines. A helpful trend.
The material tugs at the heart strings. Some terrific description. Particularly like Pvt. Snow's introduction as, "between a rock and a hard place," and the "slight smile on his lips" at the end.
There's a nice silent movie feel with the limited dialogue. Wonder if the title line, "Welcome home soldier," might be even more prominent if it's the only dialogue.
The title is perfect.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I had to read this a couple of times because I was a bit confused by the airport and Christmas scenes. I guess they were fantasies of what could or should have happened?

The idea here is good but I think one page might not be enough to really make us connect with John.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like this idea, although it has been done before, even in features (obviously the Sixth Sense, but there are others that I don't want to spoil with a similar premise).

"between a rock and a hard place"
This description might be unintentionally funny due to the possibility of it being both literally and figuratively true, which doesn't fit your tone.

"Blood oozes from its stomach."
This part was great. I liked how we saw his life unfolding the way it would have if he hadn't died.

Very good.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

I thought this was good.

As soon as I saw the INT. CHURCH though, I knew that it was his funeral so it lost some of its effectiveness for me. It seems like I've seen this before.

I liked the blood from the stomach of the statue image.

Describing Jesus with "a friendly smile" seemed awkward or uneccessary to me.

Nick Cawthra (Level 1)

An obviously well thought out piece, I must confess that the religious tones aren't for me however I like the fact that the protagonist found peace at the end. little obvious but nice.

Some more development to be done as i don't think it flowed as well as it could have, although good use of description.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Jacob's ladder all over again ;)

No seriously, I like this. Bit like mine with all the tiny fragments of family and the dark ending. Don't really like the image of Jesus welcoming him in, bit TOO sacriligious I suppose. But all the other images are really well-tuned.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I appreciate what you're trying to do here and I like your sentiment, but we can see the twist coming, and it's done before, particularly in "The Sixth Sense," where the protagonist there also receives a gunshot wound to the stomach that ends up killing him, only us and he doesn't know it until the end.

Jesus talking to John might be a little over-the-top, and insinuates too much of a Christianity vs. Islam conflict.

Good.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It takes a nice surreal turn at the church, with lots of gruesome imagery, especially that bleeding Jesus statue. The twist might be overdone (c.f.Jacob's Ladder) but it's an oldie-but-goodie.

The language could definitely use another pass: lots of capitals where they don't belong ("a Hero's Welcome", "Parents") flowery cliches ("the enemy is everywhere and nowhere") and the italics just undermine your writer's confidence. Questionable theology aside, I don't quite understand why John's smiling at the end - he's happy to have lost his chance to see his family again?

It's a haunting piece; a polish could push it from good to great.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I'm voting Very Good on this one even though I got a little confused for a second. Is the trip home and with the baby just a short dream flash before he dies? If not then I'm confused.

I really liked your writing. Paints crisp and clear pictures.

Great job! :)

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

In retrospect, I personally think this could work so much better if he goes through the best moments of his life as he dies a martyr than bringing in a supernatural twist to the narrative.

It just throws-up too many questions for me in the audience. Is it all a hallucination? Dying thoughts? Has he travelled all this way and experiences the future so to speak? Does his spirit do that? Was the amputee another dead soldier?

Also dare I say it, With the religious aspect brought into the narrative, hasn't he actually sinned by killing another human being/s?

There've been so many wonderful stories about soldiers and war, two very recently were the great real-life documentary "Restrepo" and of course "The Hurt Locker"

Your premise feels a bit disjointed in execution, and the only way this would really work for me is to have him actually ask for, or look at the picture in his wallet as soon as he's shot. Maybe it's in the inside lining of his helmet and he sees it as he falls.

A dying man would pray to spend some time with the ones he loves. That would make the payoff much better if he thanks Jesus for letting him have these final visions, as it were.

Good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This would be expensive to film. The story is well written. I have a nephew in law on his way to Afghanistan. So the story hits home at what can happen every day to soldiers who are defending our country I am not sure I liked the Jesus part. I think it would be stronger with John just discovering that he is at his own funeral.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

Well, while this was a pretty decent script, the ending was extremely predictable. Sad to say, even when I saw the title of the story, I knew how it was going to end.

That said, you went the proper route with the story and you fit alot into one page. It was almost comical to see Jesus actually appear in the story but why not? The soldier died and that's that.

Grammatically, I don't remember seeing anything wrong but you did put in some unfilmables. I'm not a big fan of them myself, unless they're done a certain way, but I don't mark scripts down over it. It's a stylistic thing.

Good.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Man, I loved this up until the church part.

The action and descriptions are quite simply marvelous.

However, the action that leads up to the funeral ends up making no real sense.

I get that in the last moments of his life, he envisions what happens in the script. However, there's a real disconnect between the trip from Afghanistan and the funeral. Ultimately, when he realizes he's dead, it turned into the Bruce Willis moment in The Sixth Sense.

Plus... and I am in no way religious... I just have an issue with Jesus welcoming the man with that line. Again, not from a religious point of view... it just doesn't seem consistent with who the man supposedly was. Wouldn't he refer to him as "son" or something non-warrish (made that word up just now!). Just my point of view.

You have very definite talent. I think you just made a wrong turn at the end of the journey. A minor rewrite and this is gold.

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

Well done. Tighten the descriptives to make the action sequences shorter and more intense. The overall story is very well thought out, but fact check the weapon or add a SUPER with an earlier date. That’s a minor technical issue, but for some of us, it will either make of break the authenticity of your story. Also, I’ve never known a Marine who liked being called Soldier (Army), and I’m certain Jesus would know the difference. Again, very well done.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Even Jesus showed up! This story was pretty corny. I like what you tried to do here, but it felt very quickly into the cheeseball zone. Great writing, though!

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

You write well and captured a lot in one page.

The whole time I read this, I thought I was indulging in a softer version of "Jacob's Ladder." Stories like this have been done many, many times before and have become cliche. Try and come up with a different approach to the story so the end can have surprising instead of expected impact. (Though I like Jesus bleeding from the same wound, maybe you should pick the chest to avoid the wound Jesus received from the spear.)

Structurally, you do not have to bold scene introductions.

Comments Made After the Contest

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2011 2:42 AM

Michael, thought this was great. Well done!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2011 4:12 PM

I really liked it as well. One of my excellent.

Michael Harrop (Level 2) ~ 8/6/2011 11:30 AM

I totally flaked on this contest and didn't review any scripts. No excuses, just an apology. Thanks to EVERYONE for the feedback.

JeanPierre, thanks for the "excellent". I've always been a fan of your writing style ever since I read one of your scripts over at simplyscripts about the dude and his dog in a post-apocalyptic world. Great stuff.

Thanks again.