Comments Made During the Contest

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

This seems more of a short skit, rather than a story. I like your writing, though. It's short, concise, to the point. Good stuff. Your screenplay format is good too. I know it could only be a page, I just wish it had more substance.

Well, I do wish there was more story here because it feels incomplete. However, your writing is good, and I like your characters. I'll give this a good.

Amber Golder (Level 1)

Didn't notice any spelling or grammatical errors.

Short and kind of funny, with a little lesson that can be inferred, like a fable. Nice!

I found the characters' names unnecessary and a little distracting. The audience would not know their names, so why bother? It would be easier for the reader to simply refer to them as FROG or FLY.

I like how you developed one character with dialogue and one with action. It showcases your ability as a writer, and in only one page! Well done!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Hilarious! Especially that last Thwpt! Hank the frog loses, but Phil loses too.

I can see Hank's motivation; he just wants to eat. Now. But why does Phil try to get Hank to the dog droppings? And why does he fly near Hank when Hank is captured? The premise of your story seems to be "carelessness leads to your demise." so you have to make it clearer that Phil is unnecessarily disregarding danger by choice.

Would make a superb short animation.

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

I had trouble remembering which character was which because I think my brain was refusing to assign people names to frogs and flies ;D

Since "Hank" doesn't talk, you could have just called him FROG I think. Come to think of it, "Phil" could have just been FLY because there weren't any other ones, and he never told the frog his name. Also you called this "The Frog and the Fly" not "Hank and Phil"...

"You know what? I like your honesty." EPIC LOL

I wondered what kind of animal Tommy was at first.

LOL - That was really funny. I give it a VERY GOOD. Congrats!

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, no formatting issues, spelling and grammar was good.

Nice story, told well with some well written action sequences and dialogue.

I didn't quite follow what happened at the end.

Good.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I really like the shadiness of the fly. I kept hearing a heavy Jersey accent when he was talking.

Anyway, I like it. It ends real good. Nice last line, and Hank eating Phil while being hauled away in a net was the perfect way to end this. Simple and effective.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written, formatted and paced pretty well. No errors that I detected.

I liked everything about this except that the fly seemed to somehow have some unspoken power over the boy. The fly seemed to know the boy was coming and then seemed to show the boy where the frog was hiding. Since there's no reason I can think of that anyone would think a fly hovering over a spot in a swamp means that a frog's hiding below, I got the impression the fly was somehow silently communicating with the boy. Anyway, this is probably nitpicking logic in a story about a talking fly so I'll stop. :)

Overall, I enjoyed this. Nice work and good luck!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Cute, amusing, would make a great animation!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this, cool characters and nice little moral. Think you could use another page or two to completely flesh out a story - we really don't get much from the frog, just that he eats flies. Would be great if he spoke so we can feel more for the fly and the victory of having the menace captured. Also, it would be great to hear more from the fly community, is Phil the smart old fly? The young stud they've elected to get rid of the frog? Did he know the boy was coming.
You are only a few details away from a very compelling story, but I fear you can't get them in in one page.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Interesting title. Geesh another cartoon, I hope there's sex and drugs in this one. Not sure what the fly could've did to save the frog anyway.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is really cute and would probably make a nice animated short.

I'm not really clear though on why or how the fly is working with this boy and I think that's important. I understand why the fly wants to get the frog, but in this world can the fly talk to the boy too. That seems a bit out there and I didn't get that tone from the start.

Still, this was a fun read, but I actually found myself rooting for the frog.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This definitely makes it into the "it's different" category. Mechanically it seemed to be well written, I just felt like it wasn't all that much of story. A fly wants revenge on a frog, gets it trapped by a boy and then gets it's comeuppance.

Maybe it's just not my cup of tea, other people will probably love it.

Thank you for entering. Good luck.

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Nothing like a good frog story. And a revenge story. And a smart-ass fly story.

I like this.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

Great, sound effects and all. Normally, not a big fan of sound effects, but when they work they work.

This is excellent, cleanly written with good plot and dialogue.

Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Nice ending! This is good, and pretty visual. I think I would like the dialouge to be tighter - maybe throw in more sounds or something from the frog.

Derek Anderson (Level 4)

Don't underline your title, but all other formatting looks good.

I liked your description of the characters. However, the story was a little underwhelming for me. But I'm guessing Hank got Phil in the end? The "Thwpt" noise implies an effort to eat him of course, but whether he succeeded or not is unclear. Maybe you could say Hank licks his lips or mention how the irritating sound of buzzing is no more... something along those lines.

You get a VERY GOOD from me, good luck!

Ed Jones (Level 4)

A humourous little fable but with something of a contradiction at the heart of its moral. Phil first commends Hank's honesty and then goes on; 'treat me the same as every other fly' but then betrays him because he 'should've treated me better'.

The title is unmemorable; perhaps you might make use of the character's names for a better? Otherwise, original and well written.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Very clever, very good. I like that the fly is the only one with dialogue. Funny, and good. This of course would make a great animated short. Very good.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Yours is my very first script this month...which I think is good, because I took the time to read through it a few times...something I might not have done if it was my 40th review. I didn't quite get it at first. Truth be known, I'm still not sure I do.

I like the setup, and I like the line where the fly appreciates the frog's honesty...it's an intriguing relationship. But then things get dicey when the boy shows up and with the "you should have treated me better" line...I'm kind of stuck on this question: how did the fly lead the boy to this place? And, more importantly, WHY did the fly do that to this frog that he appears to appreciate? The moral of the story: maybe a one pager is too short to set up a double-cross scenario.

Galen Westerfield (Level 2)

The problem with this script is that in its present for there isn't much to be said for character. The only character who gets any definition is the fly, and his character isn't very likeable so there was no one I could identify with. Perhaps in a longer form the frog could also be given some dialogue to converse with the fly.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title is appropriate and your craft is good. The story is cute and amusing but I'm not sure why Hank treating Phil better would have prevented Tommy from catching Hank. I thought it was interesting that you only had one character speak - good choice.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Excellent! Enjoyed reading every bit of it.

Good job.

James Hughes (Level 5)

I like the title.
This was fun. I liked it more the second time I read it after I had put it down for a while. Not sure why. There was good dialogue with Phil and I liked that he was the only one that talks. I'd rather Phil win in the end because he was the more likable character.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

This is VG. My son had a big smile on his face as he read Tommy coming along. He stated that it is a simple be nice to others story. That's the take from a 12 yr old.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

What happened at the end? Did the frog get the fly, or did the fly do something to the frog, or did the boy do something to the frog, or did the boy do something to the fly?

Confusing.

"you should've treated me better" Why did the fly say that? Was he capable of stopping Tommy?

Why did Tommy capture Hank?

I wish this read more clearly.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Hmmm, whilst I have no trouble following the plot of this one, I can't say I understand your meaning and intention, what I mean to say is that I don't really "get it". For example, the last line "you should have treated me better" doesn't make a lot of sense to me within the context. It had seemed to me that the fly was more or less taunting the frog, so why should the frog treat him fairly? Perhaps I missed something major here, but if other reviewers are similarly confused by your intentions then I suggest you rethink how to express your idea.

Jo Gates (Level 3)

Cute little parable. The story's well formed in just one page. The conflict is clear, and the fly and the frog are both pretty well characterized. I imagine this would be difficult to film unless it's animated.

Jordan Littleton (Level 4)

There really isn't a story here. The dialogue isn't very good. Granted I've never heard exactly how a frog and fly speak but I don't think they're so on point.

A formatting error that stands out to me is the lack of (cont'd) when Phil continues to speak after a block of description.

Tommy needs to be described as a boy. Phil and Hank are described but not Tommy. I understand that he's wearing mud boots which probably makes him human, but then again, I've seen a cow wear mud boots and speak with a British accent.

This one needs more work.

Josh Gonzalez (Level 3)

Are frogs supposed to treat flies with a certain degree of respect? Does Hank get Phil in the end? Does Hank get away from Tommy? Phil's last statement to Hank suggests they have had a previous relationship. What was that relationship. If Hank did get away from Tommy would he stop eating flies? What would he eat then?

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Very nice arc. "where dogs leave the most heavenly droppings" - that's very funny, I can just visualize that fly talking. I think it could make a great little animation. Great work!

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is such a cute story, I love it. It play in my head like a little cartoon. The characters are great and really like how you kept it simple, funny and with a twist. You did a lot of good work in one page. Excellent

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Love "The Frog and the Fly." So happy to read a story that's animated and cute.
Phil the wise-guy fly ends up as Hank's lunch, "Thwpt." Serves him right for being a snotty fly. :) The description is visual and will look bright and cheery onscreen. Particularly fond of Hank's "eyes like twin periscopes."
Clever and colorful. Well done.

Kristen Alario (Level 2)

Cute little story. The taunting between the frog and fly was cute. I don't think the frog and the fly needed a name though. Dialogue and formatting was good. Scene description was also good. Having the frog get the fly at the end was funny yet kinda sad.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was a nice story.

I'm not sure if at the end Hank gets Phil or not. If Hank "submerges" in the water that means he becomes immersed in water. Maybe it should be "surfaces" there instead?

Good.

Michael Alberstadt (Level 4)

This is a great concept.

Have another look at your dialogue. Could it be more concise? More snappy? The repartee between the two could be improved, the cat-and-mouse game enhanced. The whole thing seemed a bit passive to me.

Tommy loses him. Would he rely on a fly to point the way? Seems like Tommy found him too quickly. Perhaps there's another way to represent this?

I think a couple rewrites and polishes would quickly move this little parable into the excellent column.

Mike Senkpiel (Level 4)

This is funny. Hank and Phil indeed!

I kinda saw the end coming, though. That smart ass Phil may know some good english, but he don't know shit about the physics of nets.

TOMMY, big ears - ha ha. What a hoot!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Would be a cute little animation. Like the dialog on the fly although you kept things relatively down to earth for an animation.
Cute but not mindblowing.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Ha! That was fun and could make for a nice animated movie. I admire the imagination and creativity that went into this.

Good.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

It's a fast, streamlined read, and if you were going for a 3-D animated short, I can see everything Pixar perfectly. I could have used a little more signaling (the frog's physical movement) to show that Phil has lured Hank to his captor, but I get the point. At least, I think so: I don't really understand if Phil's this boy's friend, since he seems to be hovering around Hank to help the boy. How a fly befriends a boy is beyond me, but it's obviously fantasy.

I like the sound Thwpt! for the frog's tongue. Having said that, I have no idea what the final Thwpt! signals. Did Hank eat Phil from the net? Is he just making noises? Is Phil making the sound? To leave the ending vague is your prerogative, but I need to know what I'm seeing on the screen, and I can't figure it out. One way or another, I'm not sure the action of the piece is enough to rope me in. Phil seems to know Hank, but his insinuations aside, I don't get any sense of the relationship. That's probably because Hank doesn't speak. So my sense of revenge is muted.

Still, it's a decent idea; a little more clarity could make it shine.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Although I did like this one, I'm not really sure what the point of it is. The bullfrog eats flies. That's what they do, so I don't really get the punishment he gets by being caught by the kid. I get the irony, but why does the fly get off without anything happening to him? Phil, comes off as sort of a jerk so it seems to me that something should happen to him as well. maybe let this script just get a few lines longer and after Hank is scooped up something else gets Phil. Just a thought. I did like it though and I'm voting Good. :)

Just reread it and something did happen to Phil. :p

R. L. Robinson (Level 3)

When a character has no dialogue like Hank in "The Frog and The Fly" I enjoy the development of his/her personality via actions. "Thwpt" the driving force behind Hank and his existence. It goes from a relaxed and natural action of a frog doing what frogs do to his intent on hunting Phil to shut him up ending with Hank's assumed capture of Phil as Tommy takes him in the net.

Well Done.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Cute story. I don't know how much could build up between Hank and Phil in their world but a stronger sense of true animosity would have helped. Tough in one-page. I liked that you gave each character a bit of a description just by what they are and what they do. There was a nice resolution and breezy, easy to read feel to this. Enjoyed it.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I think this would be a fun animated script. I like Phil, he's a spunky little fly, too bad he was a little too smart for his own good.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

Overall, this story wasn't bad. The fly was kind of a dick and I was glad to see him die in the end. Too bad that Hank was captured, though. He seemed nice enough but got captured in the end.

The story didn't have a whole lot going for it, as it was a one-sided conversation, but it was still cute enough overall. Not my cup o' tea, but that's no problem.

Good.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Clever and fun. I could see a punchline coming. Somehow this feels a little incomplete, like it's a slice of something more.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I like the writing style and it's a cute read.

However, the story really doesn't go anywhere. Why should Hank have been nicer to Phil? Phil wouldn't have been able affect the outcome in any way, so the ending really doesn't make a lot of sense.

But there's enough here to make it....

Very good.

Tom Peterson (Level 3)

Excellent. Great action and description, wonderful one-sided dialogue. The description of Hank with his gold-rimmed eyes visible as twin periscopes was perfect. I could easily picture Hank sinking beneath the water. Loved it.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I liked the imagination and creativity here. But the story needs some work, there's no real ending here nor much of a conflict going on besides a fly chatting it up with a frog.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Cute, but it just didn't pay off in the end. Maybe we really need to hear from Hank.

You do write well, however, and the dialogue was a lot of fun. Rewriting the ending could make this a great short tale you could have animated.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2011 1:05 AM

A VG from me. I could see this animated short short in my mind.

Brian Howell (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2011 12:55 PM

I gave this an excellent. It put a smile on my face. It could be the pessimistic version of a cartoon, the one where a crane is trying to swallow a frog but the frog is reaching out and choking the crane; the caption works either way, "never give up".

Nice job!

Gary Rademan (Level 5) ~ 8/2/2011 12:01 PM

@KP - Thanks, that's how I saw it too. A favorite of yours? THANKS.

@Brian - Thanks for your support! I like pessimistic.

@reviewers - this took a lot of rewrites so I appreoiate the tips. I can't believe I missed intro'ing Tommy as a boy. I was also surprised at the number of reviewers who thought the frog :() and fly shouldn't have names. As for the ending, that's the one that spoke to me. As for those of you who wondered what the big deal was - a frog ate a fly, right? - thwpt! :)

Gary