Comments Made During the Contest

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

"Should I toss in Dawn?" Huh? Oh the movie. "Toss in" was confusing. Plus Dawn is a common woman's name, at least in the US. I spent more time than I would like to admit wondering who Dawn was and what exactly he wanted to do to her :S

"The apartment's door swings open..." I thought it was barricaded?

What does the cord have to do with the lights? I guess it was a lamp and not ceiling lights?

Oh they barricaded the closet, heh.

You've got the form and craft down. The plot was kind of weak. The general idea about how this would end was pretty obvious because they ate a ton of magic mushrooms. Somewhat amusing but didn't really make me LOL. I think they should've gotten themselves into more trouble than they did. They basically piled up some stuff and just waited. Not terribly compelling.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The script takes place in one scene only. Throw in some new locations to break up the monotony. A scene of Porter at the bar would help.

The ending is flat. Ricky and Kristof's solution to the supposed zombie problem is barricading the door. They don't take any further steps to better their predicament.

The story would work better if the mushrooms made them perceive every person as a zombie. They go into the street to get a better look and the comedy begins. They think everyone is a zombie. Everyone else thinks they're high as a kite.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, formatting fine, didn't spot any major typos or grammatical problems.

Locations good, characters were neat, dialogue brisk and kept up with the pace of the actions.

I wondered when the zombies would show up.

How did the lights come on at the end? I thought it was the TV cord that caused the blackout.

The 'falling down' bit: Mildly amusing considering they thought they were having a power cut.

As an overall comedy did it make me laugh? No, didn't make me laugh.

Fair

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I think I'm missing the significance of the last line.

So, was there really a zombie apocalypse or were they just trippin'? I'm leaning to them just being high, but that's kind of disappointing. Sort of like ending a script with the protagonist waking up and realizing the whole thing was just a dream.

Stoner stories kind of wear thin on me. I'm still waiting for someone to bring something new to the 'genre', but they all seem to run the same course, yours really isn't an exception.

The writing style is nice and easy to read.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I can't quite understand the storyline of this. It didn't seem to follow through and I haven't been consuming 'shrooms, either. I couldn't work out if the zombies were all trip-induced.

I'm afraid I found the characters quite weak and the story lame. You need to inject more vibrancy into your writing to liven it up and engage your reader. For instance, you wasted the whole first page with Ricky playing video games and Ricky entering...get in to the exciting bit FAST!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Are zombies now old hat? Hmmm...

Ok, this is a comedy contest. I think the writing was fine and if there were more horrible consequences to their tripping it might've been funnier, but it felt like we just got the setup and then it was over. Comedy is tough and its definitely tougher in tight quarters.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I enjoyed this a lot.

My favorite moment was the reveal that they had barricaded the closet - clever and funny.

I like the twist on a zombie film, but the stoner characters felt a little too familiar (not to me, but the movies).

Anyway, this a fun read.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Zombies -- well, imaginary zombies. Comic, non-existent zombies. Okay I can deal with that. A loadie story with some originality. I liked the premise. To pick nits I think it want on a little too long. It's a personal opinion, but I think it could have had been done with a page or two less, with less dialogue and not lost anything. Still, I like the pictures that were painted. I could see these two hiding from imaginary zombies.

No discernible grammar or formatting errors.

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

David Patterson (Level 3)

sorry. i didn't laugh once. it's not quite as funny when drugs are causing the hallucination. It reeked of Sean of the Dead but without the wit. Drug scenes to me are only funny when they are dealing with reality for ex...Cheech and Chong when the cop comes up to the window. Also...too much detail in your action sequences ...the guy hanging up his coat? who cares. There was also no conflict between your two characters except deciding whether to go to the bar or not. You could certainly raise the stakes higher. Anyway...keep writing.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This was fun to read, these guys were such losers and that aspect just jumped right off the page at the reader. Can't miss that! Well done in the descriptions.

The dialogue was fun and quick.

I thought it ended rather abrubtly though, like there as more to see, but it just got dropped.

I think with more space it could play out well.
Good luck.

Doug Wintemute (Level 3)

Funny little trip they had. I have to say the dialogue was great in this but I'm a little confused. Why did the lights not work without the TV plugged in? Other than that this had some funny moments for sure. I loved Porters dialogue, short but funny.

Really enjoyable read here. I gave this a Good as it wasnt as funny as some of the others and the story was pretty predictable. Nothing really wrong with the whole script, just didnt tickle the funny bone enough to garner a VG.

Thank you.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

There is a problem of continuity here:
'turns on the lights...The lack of light from the screen leaves only candlelight'

Also; 'plugs the cord back into the wall'. Would the light be connected to the TV plug?

'lets out a dramatic heavy sigh' Resist the the temptation to direct the actor.

'I hope I'm not interrupting something.
You two homos decide to ditch me for
a little candlelight night alone?'
I like the above, but would be strengthened by cutting the first line.

Well written, good title and amusing in an uncomfortable sort of way.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Due to the title, I had high hopes for this script, but was unfortunately a little disappointed.

What I think the problem is, is that the story needed a twist. I was hoping for something more of a Carnival of Souls type thing with the two stoner characters, as is, they just had the same hallucinations, which, given the mental state of a group thought in this instance, is not a stretch.

And ultimately, for stoner comedy you need to go over the top, way over the top. I learned that with a stoner comedy I wrote. Harder to do than I thought.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

STONER/LOSER

Two roommates do mushrooms while watching zombie movies.

Basic stoner fare; trip over electric wire core to plot

* all in one apartment
* were we in a bar? No slug.
* humor would be upped if they interacted with people while stoned
* the ending line struck me as odd for a punchline but it is a stoner comedy

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Well, I like the title a lot. It is appropriate to the story and "trip" has a double meaning - very clever. I think your craft is terrific, it's flawless. The story is fine (I knew someone would try to make zombies funny!) and you have set up a humorous situation here very well. The dialogue seems entirely real and natural for these characters. The only problem I had with this is that I did not laugh, not even once. Some things were a little amusing but no laughs. So I think this script is better suited and would have done better in a contest for another genre. A drama or horror movie with a little comedy is fine. A comedy with a little comedy falls short. But it is good or better in every other area.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

Good characters, and the writing was clear and vivid. Not hilariously funny, but pretty good. I don't know if you intended it, but I like the "trip" in the title with double meaning - mushroom trip, and he tripped on the cord.
:)

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Characters were well developed and dialogue believable but I'm not sure the story as a whole is compelling enough. We need a clear objective and this is as the title says merely "a trip".

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Haaaa! The ending was hilarious. I was about to jab at you about how Porter just walked in with the door barricaded, but that was good.

I thought the dialogue between the two could have been much funnier though. There were so many places to stick funny things to say, but your character went with just the basic things we needed to know rather than tell us it a comical manner. Like when one of the guys said Porter was a hundred pounds, he could have tagged something funny at the end, but he just said "he'd be the first one killed" -- could have been much funnier. That goes for a lot of the dialogue.

But overall the story was pretty good.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Although it was clear what was going to happen in this script based solely on the title and the first page, I think this concept has a lot of potential, I'm just not sure you filled that potential.

Put simply, this needs to be funnier, whilst it is quite funny, the humour never goes beyond the concept of "tripping guys think it's the zombie apocolypse". I think this could be so much funnier if you used a bit more wit and imagination. It would have been funny, for example, to see things how through their eyes every now and then, juxtaposing it against what is really happening.

Anyhow, a "good" from me, but I'd love to see a rewrite where you push the concept a bit more.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It was fun. Entertaining, two guys got high and started seeing zombies. I liked the fact that they thought it was on all tv channels, laughed when reading it.
It' was a bit one note for me. I'd like a little more depth to it. It still works...
The ending I think would be better if the POV was on them instead of Potter. Maybe they are planning something for Porter... It's a bit open ended this way for me, I expected a little more. Still fun, nice script. I think.

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is a good tripping story, the insanity that happens is always over the top and sometimes very funny. I really like the "Fall Down" and the ending. When I got to the end I just wanted to keep reading, I wanted more.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Funny mental picture of these two predictable druggies who think the world has fallen to zombies. Like the visual depictions of Ricky, Kristof, and Porter. In a single location like an apartment, contrasting the characters' appearances or personalities adds some depth.
Curious what Ricky and Kristof might see as they look "out the window and down." Obviously nothing really there, but guess the mushrooms affected them both the same way. Not crazy about the end; Ricky and Kristof seem to sober up real quick as soon as Porter arrives. Maybe in their drug-induced state, Ricky and Kristof could think a zombie in their video game is real. Perhaps, Porter arrives and, to their fuzzy brains, he looks like a zombie...

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This ended abruptly and what was the outcome? Porter comes in from being out and everything seems to be fine which would lead me to believe they were just hallucinating but why were there news reports about Zombies on the television? So in the end I have not a clue what was really going on. It almost felt like a scene from something bigger rather than a stand alone piece.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Nice. I did expect the ending, but it was still funny getting there.

??The characters are stereotypes but I like that they're so into zombies. I thought it might escalate to the point where they kill someone, thinking they're a zombie, but that would be too dark. I'm not sure how pulling the TV cord out would turn the power off in the whole place.

Very good.

Michael Berg (Level 3)

Format: Written very well. Found no error or visible typos. Good job!

Premise: Clever. Great gag with the door at the end, not LOL funny, but stoner funny.

Dialogue -- I'm sure people talk like that, just not in my circle. Came off a bit forced and obvious, but nothing majorly out of place.

For this particular contest, you might try emphasising the fall a bit more in your narrative, make it stand out among the other action.

Nice work!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought this was pretty good. I like a bit of drug humour. You had a story there and some juicy characters but I think the humour in the dialogue could have been upped a bit. I measured it against Up in Smoke and it was light man. Good work though.

Michael Harrop (Level 2)

I enjoyed this one alot. Funny, funny, funny. A quick and easy read. The writng was flawless. Not much else to add. I'm guessing this might be part of a full-length feature? If so, I'd like to read the finished product when you're done.

Good job!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this one...

I liked it. Thought it was pretty funny. Well written too.

I hope some people won't complain about the zombie stuff. They shouldn't since they weren't really there.

I don't have much suggestions here. I thought it was pretty funny and the story worked too. My first Very Good for this month so thanks for that! :)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Clever title. During the first four pages I never felt like I was reading a comedy. I thought the banter between the two guys was fine but I never really sensed it was going anywhere -- like we were just lounging with them. Maybe giving some type of 'it's getting late' or ticking clock element would make me feel like there was something they had to do -- or else. The fall seemed forced and, like the humor, was a completely forgettable part of the script for me. One thing I did love was the fact that they barricaded the closet. Great twist at the end and that made me burst out laughing. Really nice work with that. One thing - early on you describe hair etc. on the characters - try to avoid painting too many details of how a character looks unless it pertains to the story. Otherwise, it was well presented and easy to read. Good luck.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Funny in parts. Which is a good thing :} I sort of liked how silly and lame your two main characters were. I'm not a fan of zombies or movies about people who are wasted but your leads were sort of endearing in a odd way.

I'm guessing they were hallucinating the whole time? I would have liked more of a punch line from Porter. I thought the funniest part was that they had pulled out the plugs and that was what was causing the total black out.

Good effort

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Bravo - nicely done! Great characters had me laughing all the way. The set-up on this was perfect, I could see the punchline coming but thoroughly enjoyed the ride.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Thought this was pretty good, was well written. Only thing I didn't get was why the female news anchor was talking about the zombie apocalypse, or were they just hallucinating that? Good job overall though.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Cute and with good writing. I think this script needs some kind of twist at the end or something, as it is the whole thing just feels as if its on auto-pilot. This is just two dudes tripping out on zombies and not much else.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

I know this is supposed to be a comedy, but you have too many "fucks" in the script. I'm not saying using the word "fuck" in a comedy is bad, but the massive usage of it implies a writer's block because it lacks creativity. Maybe you should leave the two lines in which they say "fuck Porter" and replace the other "fucks" with other curse words.

The title is fitting.

I'm gonna be honest though. Throughout the entire script, I didn't so much as chuckle even once. That being said, I am not a fan of drug-related comedy or zombie references (mainly because those things don't interest me). So that opinion may be due to my lack in interest for these particular themes.

I'm also having some problems visualizing what exactly the audience is gonna see, considering the characters are running away from something that doesn't exist.

The "fall" for this was clever enough, I'll give you that.

Overall, I'm not a fan of this script but I don't think it was a total waste, considering some scripts this month have... issues. I'm gonna rate this as Good.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

This would play much better on-screen. The humor is more in the actions than the dialogue -- the first script I’ve read so far to do that. While the reveal at the end is nice and made me grin, it still felt kind of anticlimactic. Not a letdown, mind you, but just, “Yeah, well that makes sense” kind of thing.

Everything felt real and natural throughout. Nothing forced or anything like that -- probably because the humor wasn’t dialogue driven and trying to be shoehorn in a joke at every turn. Great way to incorporate the fall into the narrative -- again, very natural and real.

No apparent typos, formatting errors, etc. Well written, though the pace did seem slow. Again, this will come together better if filmed -- quick edits of the furniture pile building will give a greater sense of urgency.

I’m getting bored of the all the zombie scripts that keep popping up, but since this isn’t technically a zombie story I wasn’t as ambivalent towards it as I could have been. Good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 12:19 AM

Thanks for all the great feedback everyone! As always, it's greatly appreciated. I'm glad to see some of you liked it as is and I also happen to agree with some of the assessments on how it could be improved.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 12:36 AM

I liked this script a lot - More please. ;-)

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 11:03 AM

I thought this one was great!!...zombies don't do well here at MP though. Some of us love 'em real or imagined.