Comments Made During the Contest

Alexis Nahory (Level 1)

I really really really loved this story! It was perfect in every way possible! You truely do have a talent and I really hope that you continue to write. Please don't let this gift go to waste. While I was reading it I felt like I was there like I was watching it all happen before me and I think this would be great for like a veterens day video that some schools would play for the students. Good luck with everything(:

Basil Sunshine (Level 4)

Did Gramps just ask his granddaughter to push him into the pond and drown him? :S

Oh my... we have Nazis in a comedy... Not many can pull that off...

Gramps' dialogue doesn't really account for all of the things the little girl seems to be picturing. His dialogue is pretty sparse.

His legs walking away, well that was kind of funny (and horrible) and that is totally what a little girl would picture.

"Thank you for stopping the Nazis, Great Grampa." Well that was super sweet and you got a real teardrop from Basil Sunshine here :,)

Hey this was supposed to be comedy :,)

It would have been even sweeter if in the beginning Gramps had explained in a rudimentary way how horrible the Nazis were (Evil doesn't really cover it... they wanted to exterminate an entire race of people and take over the world) so it would seem more plausible that she would really thank him for that. Let him convey to her how threatening they were to all of the good people in the world. Then she will have a motivation to thank him and I guarantee the audience will be bawling and you and/or the director will walk away with armloads of awards.

Well, this script is an excellent example of drama but not any kind of example of comedy. I would have liked to rate it higher but the theme was "Falling Down Laughing"... Bravo, nonetheless :,)

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Nice use of the pond's reflection.

Your story is colorful but you rely heavily on unfilmables such as "Lost in the moment" and "He’s on story-autopilot now."

I'm unsure of the ending. Grampa gets a moment of happiness, but is that his only goal? I was hoping he and Charlotte's mom would reconcile their differences.

I didn't notice any attempts at comedy. No bad jokes or slapstick. Just colorful images of the war.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Neatly written, formatting fine, didn't spot any major typos or grammatical problems.

Locations good, characters were neat, dialogue brisk and kept up with the pace of the actions.

The 'falling down' bit: You set off a bunch off mortars and get your legs blown off you fall down, a bit like stating the obvious.

As an overall comedy did it make me laugh? No, not really, I failed to see any comedy at all really.

Fair

Brian Howell (Level 5)

There are some formatting errors (times you need V.O., etc). Not major, but noticeable.

Storywise, this didn't quite do it for me. I like that Great Gramps has a change by the end and is a proud man, but that also didn't quite jive with what he was saying. In the end, he was questioning whether he did the right thing on that hill or not. Perhaps instead of just thanking him for stopping the Nazis, Charlotte could say something about Gramps' legs, or that he made the right choice. Of course that might seem off because of her age... Anyway.

The mother's restriction on Charlotte's talking to Gramps never came to fruition. It was mentioned a couple times, but the only reason we get was that Gramps talks about the war, which he did, so by that standard, the mother was right.

There didn't seem to be much focus here. For instance the part where Gramps is talking about the Nazis as snakes, but then Charlotte says she likes snakes... What was the point of that? It comes off as filler material. It doesn't really give me anything more about her character, and it doesn't go anywhere.

I kind of like the sentimentality of it, but it wasn't all that focused, imho; nor did I get comedy out of it.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written, formatted and paced pretty well. No errors that I noticed.

The story was pretty fun. It was more family friendly cutesy than it was a comedy, but there was enough humor in it to be acceptable in this contest. I didn't have any huge problems here. It was not really my normal cup of tea, but I can still recognize that it's a pretty well done script.

Overall, I thought this was a pretty well done script. It could have been funnier throughout, but it's a nice family friendly script. Nice work and good luck!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Is this a comedy?

While it has remained in the contest, in my opinion, it is NOT a comedy. It IS a fantastic story and beautifully written but I find it impossible to mark it as highly as I would have done if it had appeared in a different contest, because it so clearly doesn't meet the parameters.

It is charming, wonderful, reminds me of Pan's Labyrinth.

Such a shame.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This is beautiful.

Some of the best writing I've read. Your descriptions, characters, and dialogue are wonderful.

I love the way Grandpa's story changes to reflect the needs of his Charlotte.

This isn't much of a comedy, but I do appreciate the humor that is here. I fear though, that others will knock you down for not being a "true" comedy and that is a shame because this is truly lovely.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

It's a bitter-sweet story. One of the better ones I've read so far this month and I gave it extra points for that. Sentimental, but I don't really see it as a comedy. It has some humor but I wouldn't call it a comedy. But that's just my opinion and other people probably disagree.

Grammar and formatting all seemed good.

Good luck. Thank you for entering.

David Patterson (Level 3)

good. I didn't really find it a comedy per se..but it has humorous moments. I like gramps...I had a hard time with Charlotte's dialogue. The war scenes were fun. A little dark for a comedy and the funny part of someone falling?? was that during the war? keep up the good writing

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This is very good, but I didn't see any humor in it. A man in a wheelchair, a little ignored girl, wine totting mommies, war.

However, this is a really good script, the visuals that you gave were done well, it was so easy to see these nazi spiders on that hill and the confetti and all. The script was easy to follow and the dialogue quick and effective.

I don't think it was funny, but your humor could have been lost on me, I am hard to make laugh.

Good luck.

Doug Wintemute (Level 3)

This is a very cute story, love the visuals of the Nazi's. However, I come across a similar theme in that I don't really think this flies under the comedy banner. If there were a few funny parts I could see this being an amazing little short.
As it stands I think that this is Good just not quite great in the Comedy genre. Characters were well thought out and described, although the ending seemed a little abrupt. Solid little tale overall.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

The visual humour in the imagery supplied by Charlotte's childish imagination is what lifts this script from cliche into something altogether more imaginative and original.
The character of 'Great Gramps' is well realised but if you could have furnished him with one amusing putdown aimed at 'Mom', which might go some way to explaining the great rift between them, then that would have made him even more memorable.
Apart from the lively imagery already commented on, a sad tale with a bitter/sweet humour at its heart, but one I enjoyed. And a good title.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I do like the fantasy war sequences, and the story along with theme has always resounded. Perhaps a little overdone, but you have wrapped it up quite nicely with a heartfelt thanks from a little girl. Good job.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

STORYTELLER

An old man tells a young girl about war - excellent

* great story telling
* solid characters
* good dialouge
* great visuals of morphing soldiers
* solid title
* more drama than comedy

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

This was a tough one to evaluate. The title is good and appropriate for the story. Your craft is very good (one question: Why do you have a fade to black but no fade in?). The story is very nice. It is heartwarming, interesting and well written. There is always something special about a story with grandparents and grandchildren (why not throw in a cute pet and really pull at our heart strings!). However, I don't think this meets the basic criteria of this contest in that I do not consider this a comedy. Not only did I not laugh, there were only two lines that were even mildly amusing. I get the feeling this was written before the contest and modified slightly. I think you would have had a better response if this were not a comedy contest.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

I like this a lot. It's funny in a surreal, morbid kind of way. The two lines that made me laugh were "mind pushing me in" and "mom says I can't talk to you , Great Grampa"

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Vg. I would just change the last line. A faint smile. It doesn't give a clear enough picture into his emotions. With a better decryption there it can have a more heartfelt ending.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Wow, that was really good. I loved it.

BUT this was not a comedy. It clearly was about the hardships of a US soldier fighting the Nazi's. Just cleaned up for a little girl. I tried reading this in a different light, but any way I read it, I see this as a drama. BUT since Chris has accepted it into the contest, I can't tell you it's not. So this gets an excellent by me.

I LOVED the story, and this needs to be filmed, and even entered in a few contests because it's that amazing. I will most likely favorite it at the end of the month.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

This is a truely wonderful script, probably the best I've yet read on moviepoet, but it's not a comedy, it's just not.

I'll definately favouritise this once the contest is over, but I can't give it an excellent because I think it would be a tragedy for one of the placing scripts in a comedy competition to be so distinctly not a comedy, how confusing for newcomers and disheartening for those who read the winners of this competition looking for a laugh or an example of how to write comedy well.

I loved this, it's simply the best thing I've read on this website, but I hope for moviepoet's sake that it doesn't place.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think it's very funny. All the visuals the Great Gramps provided us with. The spiders, the confetti... It's very original entry.

I was having a thought when reading it - what if instead of Fool ON The Hill you have it as Fool Of The Hill? -- like in King Of The Hill but it's with Fool... Their last lines could be then "thanks for stopping the nazis, you were the king of that hill. and he smiles toothless smile etc... - that would be another funny moment I think. Maybe it's just me though, it's just a suggestion.

Anyway it's a Very Good story. I breezed through it and enjoyed it. Light hearted, lots of fun... granddaughter with great gramps again but in a very original setting.

Kisha King (Level 4)

This is a very nice story but I don't see it as a comedy at all. It just seems so serious and a bit sad because all I am thinking about is the effects of war, the past present and future war will leave men and women broken in many ways. All of this totally kills the laughing factor. Sorry

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Powerful story. Amazing ending. Terrific contrast between the six-year-old and eighty-six-year old. He's not her Grandpa, but Mom's Grandpa. Gives him some mystery. The humor isn't over-the-top, but that's okay. "You mind pushing me in?... What'd she say? I eat children?" Great Gramps's humor is simply more dry.
The war scenes are compelling, no doubt about it, and well written. Perhaps, though, they go on just a tad too long. The drama (at that point) might need to refocus on Great Gramps's attempt to tell his devastating story to Charlotte. Could condense a little, so he's not relaying quite so much war detail which might be lost on a six-year-old. It's a fine line, because his blow-by-blow description fits the character perfectly. Like Charlotte says, "...all you talk about is the war." Then, there's her "thank you" at the end. gulp.
Love the title. It's an attention-getter, memorable, and a perfect fit.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

That was a comedy? It was very well written and it was a nice story but I didn't get any sort of sense of humor in it at all. I don't even think it qualifies as a dramedy...maybe light drama.

Again, well written, very nice story but the comedy totally missed the mark for me and since the genre is comedy I have to score it accordingly. I would have saved this for the December open contest.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the idea of Charlotte being unable to imagine the right concepts, but by six I think she would know about the concept of war. I also liked how out of place she was at the adults' party, and that both she and Gramps were outcasts because of their ages.

Very good.

Michael Berg (Level 3)

An interesting creative story. Nice use of visual imagery to reflect the girl's imagination of Grandpas description. Thought even my 6 yr old knew what a war is. She must be really sheltered.

Repetitive narrative about how much older Charlotte views the adults could be slimmed down. Also you have some formatting errors when you switch back and forth between present day and the flashback to grandpas story.

Wonderful script, only I didn't find anything funny with it. Read more like some kind of Grimm fairytale.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

What a clever well written story. Very good craftmanship. Touching ending.

Though I got at least a laugh from it, I'm not sure I would classify it as comedy and if it is then it's well at the drama end of things.

Good work though.

Peter Tolosa (Level 3)

Fantastic! Packed with action and emotion, great visuals, great format, great concept, good characters, I'm very impressed. Paints a great picture, I think it's a strong twist to bring such innocent aspects to the combat zone, but that alone was not enough to summon a notable laugh, personally, and while filling the viewer with an overbearing sense of triumph and pride is satisfying in a similar and arguably more gratifying way, it just didn't strike me as much more than an imaginative drama, rather than a deliberate comedy, but still, as I'm sure this month's results will show, this entry is in the upper percentile. Very Good!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

CHARLOTTE (V.O.)
What are mortars, Gramps?

GREAT GRAMPS (V.O.)
Er...they are like...confetti from
the sky. Only dangerous.

Perfect!

I saw this more as a drama with funny things in it. I guess that makes it a comedy. Silly me.

Great imagination on display in this story.

The story worked well too. Felt for Gramps for sure.

Good work!

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

The isn't much to fault with this as a short script, I really enjoyed it. I wouldn't say it was hilarious and some may have a problem with that, but I found it amusing enough.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Touching script but it fell short in a few areas for me. First and foremost, it wasn't a comedy. First line of the challenge was "your script must be a comedy." Just puzzles me why a script like this would be entered for it. Next, some of the asides, like 'used to the annoyance' and 'hasn't noticed her absence yet' seem like their not needed. Why call the reader's attention to things that don't play into advancing the story? Then, the second part of the challenge was that a character must fall down. Even on a second read, the closest I saw to that was when Gramps was literally blown off his feet by the mortar and ends up on his back. Hardly a fall. You crafted a nice story and I thought the battle scenes were nicely written and would translate well to the screen but I didn't think this script suited this challenge and it's flaws, however small, were amplified as I tried to find the reasons behind the entry.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This is brilliantly well-written and has an original premise with an execution that blends history with great taste and even greater imagination.

The visual and audio timing of the piece, especially during Grampa's story is a perfect example of pacing.

My only concern is that while I smiled at a few elements in your story overall this is a sweet, fantasy drama and not an out and out laughfest.

This is more fantasy meets drama along the lines of "Big Fish" and therefore I'll hold what is a "Very Good' script down with a "Good" vote considering that the contest demands a laugh riot and this isn't one.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I gave this an excellent, even though I'm not sure it's a comedy. There are some poignant parts to the story, that touched me. I loved this. I hope you can film it. It has such a sweet message. The Grandpa and Charlotte are so adorable.

I wonder why the mom tells her not to talk to him though, that just didn't fit for me. I mean, why would she do that?

Maybe think of a way to keep the story intact, but that maybe he's simply ignored, and Charlotte reaches out to him at the party.

I really really loved this, I'll remember it for a long time. So well done, and yes, there was some humor in it, with the spider/snake nazis and such, but it came off more as a dramedy.

Excellent work. Wonderful title.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Barrel of laughs, this one. Sorry, but I don't see how this is classed as a comedy. As a story it works fine, but to try and categorize this as a comedy is asking a lot. Was this already written before the contest and then tweaked to try and make it work here? It's clear you know how to write, but it doesn't really fulfil the criteria of this specific contest, IMHO at least.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Pretty adorable lil' story. The writing was a bit clunky at times. But I liked the whole idea of a child's vision of war and the way you brought this goofy tale to a serious end. Nice job!

Zac Fagelson (Level 1)

Hmmm, interesting concept with the fantasy aspect of it. Spider-Nazi's? Haha, it really paints a picture with the war-time story. Not sure if I'm seeing a comedy in this one though. Maybe it's subtle and just not a laugh out loud type of comedy.

Either way, I enjoyed it. I do feel like you could have expanded more on the relationship between Great Gramps and the Mom. It seems like you could go a little further than she didn't like to hear about the war.

Overall, it was an entertaining read. It was well written and the descriptions were very good.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

First off: I don't see how in any way this could be considered a comedy. There’s absolutely nothing humorous about it. At all.

Having said that, this is a very well-written piece -- a minor grammatical error here or there -- that showcases how adults sanitize the horrors of life/the world for those too innocent to delve into those depths. The story is poignant and heartfelt.

But as it is not a comedy -- and that was one requirement of the contest -- I can’t in good faith give an EXCELLENT -- though, I assure you, it is and would have easily been a top script for me in any other contest.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 7/1/2011 12:06 AM

First a disclaimer. There was much debate over whether or not this script could stay in the contest. Was it a comedy? In the end, I made the decision that it did have enough comedic elements to qualify, but it was not an easy decision.

Honestly, I wish you had entered this in another month, because it is excellent and I think you only hurt your score having submitted it during a comedy month.

Having said all that. This is brilliant and beautiful and one of my all time favorites.

Congratulations on your third place finish!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 12:16 AM

Congratulations Paul!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2011 12:34 AM

Someone gave this a poor.. shame on them! I loved this, and I agree with Chris, I wish you'd kept it for another month. It deserves first place.

i will remember this one, I love it.. it's beautiful

Basil Sunshine (Level 4) ~ 7/1/2011 12:37 AM

This is a great script, Paul... I would have given it an excellent just about any other month!!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 12:39 AM

Same here. Congrats.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 1:19 AM

The sentiment is wonderful. Congratulations.

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 2:29 AM

I made the comment that I didn't really think of this as comedy, but I didn't rate it down for that reason. I figured if the gatekeepers let it in, it passed the comedy test.
Great script.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 2:33 AM

Well, I thank you all for the lovely scores and the decency to keep this in the contest.
This wasnt a pre-written entry which was edited for the contest, I clearly had a different understanding of the concept of comedy.
I personally prefer the more subtle, cynical approach to comedy.

It may not have been a tour de force of slapstick sketches, but IMO it is definitely a comedy.

Thanks for the faves and reviews.
And thats an amazing compliment Jem. Thank you.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 7/1/2011 2:47 AM

Of course Paul, I loved it. I dunno though... I've read it again, and it's really hard for me to see the comedy in this. It's freaking tragic, man! haha.

But I'm making it a favorite, because it's one of the best stories I've read on moviepoet.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 8:53 AM

I thought it was funny. Sentimental, yes, but still funny. Congrats on the third place.

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2011 9:53 PM

I didn't get a chance to review this month. But with the comments I saw, I had to read this one. For what it's worth, Paul, I laughed. It's comedy to me, and a damn fine piece of writing.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4) ~ 7/2/2011 1:11 AM

I think when nearly every reviewer has questioned where the comedy is, you'd have to say that it isn't a comedy. I mean even if there were one or two humorous lines in a movie, that doesn't classify it as a comedy. If you were to film this and show it to an audience then have them classify it under a particular genre, I'm sure drama would win out. Nobody would watch it and say, 'Oh, that was hilarious, what a great bit of comedy'.

I do think it was a good story, and would make a great short film, I just don't see how it fits the challenge for this month. Just my observation, that's all.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 7/4/2011 11:38 AM

I think it's hilarious to see all the harsh reviews for other entries deemed not funny enough, but then this one, which was overwhelmingly questioned as even being a comedy in the first place, turns out a winner. At least the contest itself turned out to be a comedy!

Gary Rademan (Level 5) ~ 7/4/2011 12:46 PM

Kudos on the fine writing.
Congrats on placing.
Thanks for a little controversy.

Denise Jewell (Level 4) ~ 7/11/2011 2:33 PM

I didn't get to read this one during the contest, but I've read it now, wanting to see what the third place script looked like (I had read and voted on 1st and 2nd.)

As others have said, this is pretty perfect writing. I don't know what I could have said about it during the contest, except that it's not an overt comedy. Anyway, this is excellent. Thanks!