Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I liked the overall feel of this piece and the ending really did come as a surprise. The only things I can say I think that need some tweaking is fine tuning some of the action. It is something that takes awhile to get used to but any extranous action can be eliminated unless it is essential to the story. It is a small detail believe me but it will allow the story to be even more tight and concise. I enjoyed the read.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

There's kind of a nice feel to this piece.

I'm not sure what the trash/getting a trash can/unlocking the truck does for the story...Is it an attempt to show the character as distracted or on edge?

The rest feels a little under-written to me. I love that the dialog doesn't spell out exactly what's going on, but I wanted a little more information. Maybe another phone call? I think you could work in more info. without going into exposition.

Alex Hollister (Level 3)

Clever title. Threw me completely. I was all ready to condemn this script for an over acting protag, but his anxiety all makes sense at the end. Very good.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

Good job. I like the title. How we all deal with death is such a wonderful theme. I was a little confused with the trash bit. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with the story. It helps convey his mood and a little bit about character but it doesn't really address his conflict. It would also have been nice to know more about his conflict. Right now it just reads as wishy washy I'll go, I can't go.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

I like the idea of a guy's inner monologue as he's on the way to an ex-girlfriend's funeral - that was a good idea for this month's challenge.

OK but a couple of things - what was the significance of the trash in the truck? Who put that in there? That was actually what I was looking to find out throughout the script.

Also - the dialogue he's rehearsing - if she's dead, he wouldn't be asking her how she is...you may have meant that he was saying that in a sarcastic tone but it doesn't read that way. It could, though, if you rework that bit.

One more thing :) You said he "screams" as he pulls off the road, but I'd change that - that word would be used more in response to something horrific that JUST happened, like a mack truck about to hit him, causing him to pull off. Maybe instead of screams, he pulls off the road, punches the steering wheel, something - but he's a 20 year old guy so it would probably take a lot to make him "scream". :)

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was well written but I think there oculd have been just a tad more clarity at the end. I gather that we're to presume Jessica is in the hearse, but the conversation he's reciting while driving doesn't seem like words to a deceased loved one. More like an ex-boyfriend trying to win back his love, which I assume from the title is what you wanted us to think, I think you could have just made the twist a little more clear at the end there. Nice job though.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

I like your descriptions, you paint a great picture for your reader.

I dont know if it was me, but i wasn't touched by the jessica angle. Was i supposed to feel sad? Is jessica behind in the hearse? most likely. I'm not sure about this one. I'll try it again to see what happens.

Caroline Coxon (Moderator)

Great twist at the end because up to that point I was thinking 'Boy this is dull!' I think it could still be shorter, more economically written so it wasn't so drawn out. For instance - why the scene with the trash? It didn't move the story forward at all.

But the ending tugged at my heart strings.

Charlie Hebert (Moderator)

Not bad, but a little confusing. Guess I got a little lost in the details like who's Jessica? Other than being dead the title would suggest that she's an old girlfriend, but when his mother called it made me think it was possibly his sister, but "baby girl" made me think it might be his daughter, but then some of his lines don't make sense like "how are you?" when obviously she's dead. And why clean the garbage out of his truck except to make us think he's going on a date?
Anyway, your writing is good, just think you need to figure out the dialogue and action a bit more.
Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Moderator)

I thought this was lovely.

The character of Jerry is wonderfully layered and his dialogue is great. I especially loved the reveal at the end.

Lots of great subtext here and just enough mystery to make it all interesting.

Well done.

Dawn Calvin (Level 4)

I am not sure about this. I wonder what garbage in he front seat of a old truck has to do with going to a funeral. Maybe I just completely missed the point here.

I was interested to see what he was doing, but when he got the call and the scrpt ended I was very surprised.

Its like the writer gave up.

Let me know if I missed the point!
Good luck!

DW Pollard (Level 4)

It felt like something was missing, like there should have been more of an ending - it just seemed to fade with a whimper rather than a bang.

Maybe should have used more pages to build up the tension, what he wanted to tell Jessica or such.

Also, the first page was a bit drawn out; it took Jerry a whole page just to get in his truck and drive away.

Jacob Schantz (Level 3)

Compelling, but it kind of fell short. Especially since you had more pages to work with.
The dialogue was a bit off, I don't think he had to spell out the plot entirely.
But the pacing was excellent, and the tone, and feel was intense. Final scene definately paid off.
Worth rewriting, definately.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Nice simple story. But too much unexplained specificity - old house, truck (which became a car briefly), trash... - lowered the score

John Foley (Level 4)

The setup was something most of us has had to deal with. I was not expecting the twist to the end. It felt very real.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I got a sense of dread as to where this was going...but had to go along for the ride. I was a little confused as the what exactly was the deal...I got that she was dead, but his lines made me wonder if he had something to do with it. I wasn't sure.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

While the overall script was well written I'm a bit confused. Obviously at the end we find out he is going to a funeral. But is it Jessica's? Because when he is in the truck practicing to talk to Jessica it sounds as if he's going to someone is still alive, someone with which he has a second chance. I thought you did a good job with the dialogue as well.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

The death of a loved one is a good start to build conflict strong enough to sustain a short. And it seemed to me that you wanted to make a last page surprise out of this death. Not a bad premise but I didn’t quite like the approach of this piece, though.

I didn’t get why he was practicing how to talk to Jessica since she was dead and couldn’t listen anymore. That’s why I never imagined Jessica was dead, but it didn’t seem logical when I realized she was.

His monologue didn’t seem natural since there wasn’t anyone there to listen. Maybe you could convey the same information by having a one way phone conversation with her mom?

Matthew Phillips (Level 3)

This script seems to end rather abrubtly. I think that Jessica has passed away, but it's not made completely clear. I like the idea of watching a man travel alone to a funeral, this is an interesting time in his life. However, I feel like the funeral bit was meant to be a surprise ending. I'm not sure that's necessary. It would be more powerful for me to watch a man grieving, and then have the satisfaction of seeing him make it to the funeral. Honestly, I'd like to see more of his battle with grief.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

This wasn't bad. The only comment I have is that it didn't have much of a depth of story to it. It seemed a bit two dimensional. Nice try though.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I think you could have upped the drama a little bit in this story.

Jerry is going to some girlsfriend or wife's funeral and he's not sure he can do it. That's a good situation that could be written high with emotion. To be honest with you, I wasn't sure if this was going to lead to a comedy, drama or horror or anything else for that matter while reading. It wasn't until the hearse that I knew it was drama.

It's a good premise, just up the emotion some and let us feel the pain earlier on.

Randy Bigger (Level 3)

Lots of stories about someone losing a loved one and this one is right in there.

Rick Hansberry (Level 5)

Not a bad script. Obviously, I thought Jerry was preparing to actually go on a date with Jessica and I think you set up the twist well. The trash removal ran a little long. I thought there could have been more than just her picture and him preparing to talk with her. Maybe an excerpt from their last conversation -- only his side to keep it to one actor but rather than him say it to himself, kind of a voice over while he's driving (the excerpt could even be about how she always criticized his driving) something to show his personal connection to her. Overall though, a neatly executed script with a solid twist and a nice response to the challenge.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Good suspense, I could feel Jerry's stress. Ok, I thought he was going on a date, but I guess Jessica's dead.

You set up several things without payoffs. Jerry says that Jessica wanted him there. We never find out what that meant.

The end was very abrupt. You had two more pages to work with and could have expanded to make it better. Explain what the deal is with Jessica.

Sally Meyer (Level 5)

I liked the script. I didn't see this coming, as you peppered the story with little red herrings.. the trash on the seat.. talking to her... etc. It was well written and I really didn't guess the ending until the end. This was a solid script with some great moments. Maybe all the things in his path were things he'd done, in a way to prevent him from doing what he knows he has to do. I liked the dilemma he faced

Good job

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

I liked this story, I didn't see that coming in the end. I actually thought he was going to get married. I didn't think you needed the first page, but when I got to the end, I could see it was to justify him being late. Nice job and great story.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Good concept. Could have amped up the emotion a lot more, I didn't feel much pain or sympathy for the character. The business with the trash detracted from the story.

William Bienes (Moderator)

I had to think about this one for a few moments. I initially thought it ended abruptly, but saw where you were going.

I would like to see Jerry's angst a bit more in terms of action rather than words. Rubbing the picture (once) of Jessica is enough, and it conveys his love. I don't think you need him to say it. The image of him running his fingers across the picture with tears is a more powerful cinematic moment than voicing it.

I think this story is better told with more short action lines than blocks of dialogue.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I really liked the idea of this and how it built to that final sad image. However, I felt it was underwritten. We could know more about Jessica and her relationship with Jerry. The deeper you go into that the more powerful that final image of the hearse becomes. It;s sold framework for a slightly longer piece - and one that could be shot for tape.

Comments Made After the Contest

Austin Bennett (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2007 1:22 AM

Thanks for all the great comments. I'll definitely take them into consideration when I think about the rewrite. That'll be easier with more characters.

On a personal level, my mom died a couple of years ago and I remember driving to her funeral. My stepdad made sure the car was cleaned. He had it detailed. That's why I put that thing in with the trash. What would people think? He already looks like a mess. If they saw his truck, they'd see that his life was a mess and ask questions and Jerry (and my stepdad) didn't want that.

I hope there aren't anymore one character challenges. This was a hard one.

Again, thanks for reading and commenting.

Chris Messineo (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2007 8:46 AM

I really liked this story a lot.

The character felt very real and I love your attention to detail.


I definitely want to read more of your stories. I hope you enter again in the future.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4) ~ 11/11/2007 9:40 PM

After hearing your explanation as to the motivation for cleaning the truck, I feel like a jerk for not getting it. My mom died a long time ago, and I certainly do things with intentions that might be lost on others...

it's a really powerful/bittersweet thing to do, cleaning the car with such care. I bet you can re-write to make that intention a little more clear, if you want to.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3) ~ 3/31/2008 7:10 PM

I thought this was a great story, with a killer (no pun intended) ending!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 9/20/2008 10:11 PM

I just read both versions of this story and they're wonderful. I think #1 is my favorite, though. Very tender, and sad. I especially liked the part about cleaning out the car. It reminded me of a true story I read years ago.

You managed to keep me guessing what he was going to do with Jessica until the very end. I thought - asking her to marry him, shotgun wedding, abortion, and so on. Her funeral never occured to me.

I thought you did a wonderful job on both, but I really love your original. It was so real.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 9/20/2008 10:12 PM

By the way, will we be seeing more scripts? I know I'd enjoy reading them.