Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I smiled at the "Inspired By True Events", you clearly noticed the trend for that in 2010.
You start off with a Tropic dream bar, great, because I want to be there myself.
Your first sentence is an "unfilmable": how do you show "is owned by the mob in Hell's Kitchen"? You can write that down in your screenplay, but the director will have a hard time showing it on screen, so this information is lost on the viewer probably.
Would be nice if you showed what the mob guys were wearing, and their age. Right now you say "1979, mob", and I have no idea what that looks like.
The first direction, "(Mutters)" is superfluous I think. An actor would figure that out himself (or think of something even better).
On page one, you are over-directing the actors a wee bit: "The man backs off, Frank exits and shuts the car door. Another associate opens the door for Frank. He enters and does not acknowledge the associate."
It might be better if you let the actor figure out how to show things through his acting. He might be able to think if things you didn't think of.
Then description of the inside of the bar. "Am average bar." Spelling mistake, and if it is average, you don't have to tell us (apart from the fact that my idea of an average bar is probably different from yours), and way too much detailed unimportant details: "wooden floor, bar on the side, tables and chairs on the other." Are these relevant to the story? Because if the location manager cannot find that exact type of location, or it is too expensive... Maybe he has a better idea. But he'll have to read through your description to find out what it is your story REALLY needs.
If you remove the superfluous details, your screenplay becomes an easier read also. The readers in Hollywood will love you for it (or at least not hate you). At the same time you leave location and acting to the experts. Just write out what we can see, the story, what people do, what they say. The other experts who will work on the movie will augment your story according to their area of expertise.

"A newspaper being held in his hands." is a passive sentence. Better to use active sentences.
In fact, the screenplay starts with a passive sentence: "The Tropic Dream is owned by ...". It is considered by some a good idea to drop the use of the verb "to be" as much as possible.
On page two you introduce SAMMY AUSIELLO, again with too much irrelevant detail. Is it important to the story that he is exactly 62? Or would early 60s do? Friend of the mob, how do you show that on screen? You have to show! Have the mobs greet him jovially. "An average man ..." What does an average man look like? And you don't need to mention that he is average. "... with a receding hairline." Why is that relevant to the story? Imagine the director can't find a suitable actor who is exactly 62 and has a receding hairline. Would that be a problem for this story?

The trick is to write description in a more hidden way; write it so that it conjures up images in the head of the reader; let his imagination run wild, your writing can never compete with his imagination. The reader will have different images in his head than you have, but that is okay. You sell them the screenplay, you sell them all the rights. It becomes their story any way.
"He is a man who has spent his entire life with the mafia." is again an un-filmable, and it uses the verb "to be" again.
You have them sitting and lounging at the bar for the longest time without anything happening. Enter a scene as late as you can, leave as early as you can. Don't bore the reader/viewer.
Why is Sam afraid of Frank if he has been a friend of the mob for all his life?
We have the mob boss, and you are making him flee? Over a news article? Wow. I 'd imagine such a scary mob boss would start a war against the cops instead...
The mob boss takes a decision to leave (which I don't think is realistic, but alas), but you don't show the consequences of that decision.
Make this part shorter and add scenes

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Written quite well, a couple of typing errors here and there, formatting seemed fine.

Characters seemed somewhat stereotypical in their description, actions and dialogue.

Some of the action appeared to overlap and became a confusing at times.

A couple of times you told about the players emotions, how would the audience know about this?

The overall plot was weak, if it was based on a true story I'm sure the events would have been acted out with far more drama and tension.

I'm not so sure I'd be saying 'I love my family' if I was about to sleep with fishes, I'd be more inclined to hate them.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This seems to be a whole lot of talk and swagger for nothing. Being inspired by true events, I'd be interested to find out what compelled you to tell this particular moment in this story. I guess it's because "his family" cared for him unconditionally... but that really doesn't come across. I had the impression that they were scared for him, but mostly scared for what might happen to them because of the situation.

It was kind of cool when he started giving his stuff away, but the fact that they all knew he was a dead man sort of took the coolness away from that moment a bit.

I think there were a few spelling/grammar type errors, just make sure to proofread.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The first line of the script is unfilmable. Unless there is a sign out front that says "Mob owned" how is the reader going to know who owns the bar? There are other instances of unfilmable descriptions in this script, but since this is the first line of the whole thing, it's the most obvious.

I'm not sure how the title figures in.

The script could be tightened up and you should eliminate all passive writing. Replace 'is' and 'are' with more active verbs.

The story here held my interest, but the ending seemed to be lacking something for me. I was waiting for a twist or climax, but there wasn't one. We learn very early on that Frank is a target to get whacked and then he does. It's all too straightforward for me. I was hoping for a curveball.

Nice effort. This could be polished up a little bit and the ending improved, but overall, this was a decent script.

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

The note that this was inspired by true events adds to its appeal as a whole.

I felt like the script was a bit bogged down by some of the descriptions. I think they could have been condensed a little without taking away from the setting. The implied end of Frank's life was much better than coming out and saying it. Other than the heavy descriptions, I liked this one very much. The darkness and anticipation of the whole environment was created very effectively through your words.

There were just a few typos that I saw:
Page 2: "Am average bar" - "An average bar"
Page 3: "Sam, pulled aback by the money." - "Sam, taken aback by the money"?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This seems like a big story to try and do in five pages.

I like Mafia stories, but I wish there was a new angle here.

Also try to avoid telling us stuff we cannot see or hear.

David Degiorgio (Level 1)

This for me was a proper mirror image of Pacinos final scene in the film Donnie Brasco.
I read it a few times and loved the way you you gave new flavour to the way it could of been.
im not saying that this was your insperation when writing the script but its the best way for me to connect with what reads as beautiful and powerfull!
Id love to visualy see this and from an actors point of view it holds so much weight with the very short but sweet dio!
well done mate, my only small pointer is that id ease up on the action in certain points but maybe that becasue in my head the back story was already there!

David Patterson (Level 3)

ok..um i think you have a grasp of the subject. I feel you really understand the subtelties and nuances of that enviroment. However, the story dragged. here's why. Too much detail. By the time I read all the detail of what everyone was doing and how they were looking at each other by the time I got to the dialogue I forgot what was going on. Detail is good but it should help the story not hinder it. Trust your audience to put the pieces together...keep writing.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

The title describes the nature of Frank's surrender but if the term had been used once in the script it would have seemed neater.

You need to find alternatives to 'associate(s)' as it is used eleven times; which is a lot in a short.

Not clear here; 'sits behind (in) the driver's seat'

Where is; 'A violent, but level-headed Capo.'? And his character needs to be revealed by his actions or the reactions of those around him.

Again with; '...face hides a stone-cold killer'.

'...opens the (club)door for Frank.'

'I might as well take you out back right now. Know what I mean?' Dominic knows but we don't, it needs to be clear as this seems an important point in the script. Does he mean 'take you out' ie. kill you if John and Sal aren’t going to call? Why? Frank admits; 'It’s my fuck-up.' Is it that Dominic is being disrespectful in his attitude?

You develop a nice build up of tension but it leaves us hanging. We guess something bad is coming to Frank but there's something missing. Perhaps you are constrained by 'true events'?

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

summary: a mafia capo calmly accepts his fate *

deja vu: phrase use very effective at end * "I love my family."

compliments: the tone of regret and respect was nicely done *

concerns: no real conflict * tropic dreams isn't a name i'd give to a mob bar * 'An average bar' not needed * don't tell us that guys are cold blooded killers with friendly faces - all i see is a guy with a friendly face * show us, don't tell us * "inspired by..." not needed

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

This felt very much like the last scene in Donnie Brasco and as such this falls short, it feels like an extract from a much larger piece, the climax, but with none of the build up or character development that would make satisfying. Because so much story is missing, you have rely on stero-types to tell your story rather than creating fully realised and fleshed out characters. For example Frank is introduced with "His warm and friendly face hides a stone-cold killer" - how does this translate to your short film. If we never see Frank perform a kill he will just come across as warm and friendly. In terms of a story arc, Frank is the same at the start as he is at the end. When your story starts he has already admitted blame and knows what he is going face and assures the guys he will stand up for them. The decision of Frank has taken place before we come to the story, we don't see any struggle or character flaw that would make him feel real.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

One of the basics of screenwriting is to show, not tell. In your action lines you frequesntly tell us something you should be showing us. Examples: The Tropic Dream is owned by the mob, the bartender is a friend of the mob, and a man who has spent his entire life with the mob. These are things that you could have found a way to show us but you told us. One minor typo, you have Am average... instead of An average... on page one. I like the story and I think it could be a scene from a larger script.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Just show mob thugs in a back room of the the bar or something, don't TELL us it's owned by them.

"I love my family" This could sound more natural. I'm assuming it'll make sense at the end, but I can't picture someone actually saying that to themselves out loud.

You should tell us what frank looks like the time we see him, not a page later.

He holds a newspaper in his hands - the sentence you have written doesn't make sense.

"One more drink" You meant, one more sip. "drink" implies he had another glass of milk.

No, I just don't like "I love my family" It doesn't sound natural.

The story was okay. Nothing terrible, but nothing that stood out.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think that a lot of your script is about telling us what's going on and what will happen next and as a reader I know but as your audience I don't. For example I have no way to know that it's located in Hell's Kitchen and that he sees his "family" for the last time which you have it in your description line on the last page of your script.

I liked many of your descriptions, thought they were very visual.

I couldn't understand what Frank is about to do - he loves his family but wants to run away? If so - nice twist, but I'm not sure if I'm correct about this. This doesn't have much story I think, or maybe the story is not very clear to me. I liked the descriptions though.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Always intrigued when the title includes a reference to true events. There's a definitive mob feel from beginning to end. No doubt that Frank's life will end badly.
The opening scene sets up an interesting visual. Might want to include New York in the location of Hell's Kitchen. Unfamiliar with the term "Capo" so Googled it. May want to combine Frank's introduction for simplicity; he's "violent" with a "warm and friendly face...level-headed...dressed in an expensive suit" with combed hair. "Violent" and "stone-cold killer" are pretty similar. Terrific visual description of Dominic. Probably not necessary for him to address Frank by his first name so many times. It's unclear who John and Sal are since it's Jimmy who actually arrives to take Frank away.
Frank removing his cross necklace and giving it to Sam is strong. Perhaps mentioning the cross, and his wedding band too, when Frank is introduced would add even more impact to the poignant moment. Could possibly omit Dominic's reaction; it seems to infer envy from Dominic and detracts a bit from cross's significance.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I had to google "Hell's Kitchen" to learn it was a neighborhood in Manhattan. I was wondering where this was set. It might be clearer if you mention that this is New York (as opposed to Chicago, Los Angeles, London, Bombay, etc.).

The word "associate" is overused on the first page. Part of the problem is that it's a long word and takes up room, and also that all these associates weren't properly introduced in screenplay format.

Page one plods pretty slowly. All that really happens is a guy gets out of a car and goes into a bar. There's not enough tension yet. Trim down all the action paragraphs and get the reader into the good stuff early!

"the last time he will see it" How does the viewer know this? This might be poignant in the script, but this editorial aside won't help the audience.

Frank has nothing to overcome in this script, no challenges to face. He already knows what's going to happen and is merely readying himself for it. As a drama, therefore, it doesn't hold a lot of punch.

Lara Vuksic (Level 1)

I liked the noir and depressive athmosphere (which reminds me of Chandler's novels) created by morbid dialogues and the expectance of the so-called end which I myself could feel approaching. However, what I missed was a little bit of action/dynamic - perhaps it could be achieved by a minor arument between Frank and Dominic or whoever who would oppose Frank's giving up - even if it would be useless.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I don't understand the title with the story. Are you going for the whole mafia/brotherhood/family/mob fidelity and honor thing?.. Something else? I'm not getting it. I'll read it again later...

Okay! I got it! And I like the story.

I'm not crazy about the "various mob associates," "mob associates," and "associates" descriptives, though. The repetition gets old really fast. Watch for repetition throughout. In the beginning you use "in front of the entrance" twice, and they're only separated by five words. When it's individual words, use a thesaurus. When it's sentences, rearrange and change some of the terms.

It doesn't matter what year make the Lincoln is. The important date is covered in the SUPER. If you really want the car to be a '77, mention it once and then leave it alone for awhile.

You introduce Frank, but you don't give his physical description until half a page later. Keep character names and the physical descriptions together. The reader gets an immediate image to put with the name.

You left the "e" off of the word "one" on page five...

Speaking of pages - number them! If you're using a script writing program and you've somehow turned the page numbering off, turn it back on. If you aren't using a script writing program, get one. You can download CELTX for free.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like how you didn't explain how Frank screwed up; there was no obvious moment of exposition.

"The Tropic Dream is owned by the mob located in Hell’s Kitchen."
We can't see something like this. The next sentence gives us a pretty good clue anyway.

Very good.

Patrick Skaggs (Level 3)

Well written but maybe too much attention is paid to every nuance of the characters and what they doing. I did have a good feel for the scene I just felt I didn’t need as much detail…at some point details can get in the way of the story, which I feel happens some here. The story was fine, not great, not much really happens and what does happen is predictable. Kind of a “stock” story but well written.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Ominous, like the dark clouds that brew over the story, but I did expect a last page twist or change. You didnt really nail it at the end.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I always love a good mob story, but it's hard to keep one fresh and unique, and I don't think that has been done here. What have you shown us that we haven't seen before?

We see Frank do a good deed or two and we come to think he might be an okay guy, but do you we really know him, hence care about him? It's hard to do in five pages, I concur.

Your screenwriting is fine, but you tell us too much unfilmable information within the narrative. Only relay to us what can be seen or heard on screen.

Format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

The story was a good character study of these men. I liked Frank, even though I suppose I shouldn't. He was two dimensional. I liked the scenes at the bar with him and Sam.

You have a good way of writing dialogue, it was easy to follow and well written. The action lines were a little long and not as clear as they could be.

I felt the story fizzled a bit at the end. But mostly it was a well written story with some good characters and a great lead role in Frank.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I do not feel that this story as engaging as it could have been. You have the foundation for a good story, but it didn't quite keep my attention as it is now. As far as the grammar, there are a few typos and several sentences where the wording is a little strange. "A newspaper being held in his hands," " Pulled aback by the money," and "Frank surveys over the bar," are a few that I jotted down as I read. As far as actions go, make sure that you are splitting them between two pages. You need to do a little more showing and less telling. One example of this is mentioning that "He is a man who has spent his entire life with the mafia." Instead of telling us this point blank, try and figure out actions and characteristics that would easily imply this to the reader.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I liked the tone of this script but you seemed to get bogged down by details a little too much. The drinking of milk is a good character trait but the amount you mention that got a little repetitive.

You tell us things that can't really be shown on screen a fair bit. For example -
A violent, but level-headed capo
His warm and friendly face hides a stone-cold killer

"An average bar etc" If it's an average bar then you don't need to tell us that. It's wasted space as we all know what an average bar looks like.

This story runs along the way I expected it to right from the start. You don't need twists and turns in every script but this could do with a reveal of some kind at the end. Something that changes your audience's perspective or opinion on your protagonist or his situation.

Fair.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Man, you've got a whole lot of writing going on here without really saying anything. You need to focus on moving the story forward and keeping the action going and not on writing down every little trivial detail.

Throughout the entire script there is not a single instance of two characters talking without you writing some description in between. It's really not necessary all the time. It breaks up the flow of reading and becomes tiresome. Leave something for the actors to interperet.

Lot of things you've written can't be filmed. Your first line is just one example of many.

When you have Frank getting out of the car, you then have another guy opening the door for him and he enters. I assumed you were talking about the car still, as you didn't have him walking to the club.

A lot of the dialogue didn't come off as authentic for mobsters. Didn't capture the nuances of how they speak.

You don't need to have last names for these minor characters, don't give us more information than what we need.

Would liked to have seen this story developed more. As it stands, it's very slow paced and revolves around talking about an incident rather than showing us anything or giving any explanation to these events.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Reminded me a lot of the ending to Donnie Brasco. The story didn't feel like it ever really moved much though. It was a bunch of talking heads sitting in a bar talking about stuff. I liked the writing and poignancy of the situation, tho. Nice job!

Comments Made After the Contest