Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Love how you were able to shuffle the title of the contest, Deja vu, into this!

And love writing, and the story. Sorry I can't say more, I think it's great...

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Nicely written, formatting appeared to be good, didn't spot any typos or grammatical errors.

One of the characters was described as being on Facebook, how did you show this, Not everybody would have known what 'confirming friends' meant.

Don't know if was intentional but the woman with the idea that life was 'deja vu' didn't have a clue what it meant whilst the one that professed not to know appeared to explain it very well, that confused me a little.

It was pretty obvious there was going to be a 'dja vu' repetition of the first meeting, I felt it would have worked better had it taken place sooner than a rather vague 'not too far in the future'.

Although you started and finished with 'it's french', I felt the ending was a continuation of a longer piece of dialogue with a pause in it.

NothIng really sensational but highly imaginable piece of work.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

The dialog has moments of wittiness that are enjoyable. The first time I read it I went through it pretty fast, which is what I do with these shorts. Anyway, I read action and dialog, but skim over slug lines and character names. Doing this, it was sometimes hard to keep track of who was saying what. I know they are saying different things, but the way they talked was too similar. That's just an observation.

The story feels more like a skit. Not a bad thing, if that's what you are going for. The difference for me is that a skit is too self-contained to get me thinking about these characters before or after what your are showing me. This ends very nice, but I have no thoughts about what will happen now; my attention to these characters ends with the script. I don't mark, or look down on 'skits', but they don't seem to inspire me to mark them higher either.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written, formatted and paced pretty well. No typos or grammar errors that I noticed.

Unfortunately, I don't feel like this would make for a very interesting film. It's 2 girls talking the entire time with literally nothing happening. On top of this being a "talking heads" script, I didn't find their conversation all that interesting or enlightening either. There's no real story here. Just 2 girls chatting on their lunch break.

Nice effort, but this needs something more going on in my opinion.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

The dialogue is very fun here.

I also love the way you loop around to the start while having a conversation about deja vu.

However, I do wish there was a bit more story here and a little more reliance on visuals (as it is, this would work just as well as a play).

Still, I did enjoy this a lot. Very well done.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

"...attractive in a no-nonsense way,..." I couldn't pull a picture with that description and unfortunately it bugged me through the whole story. I'm dense and old I guess.

This was a talkie, without any vampires or a zombies -- so a little bad and good, in my opinion.

I think it could have gotten the same point across (a setup and a payoff) in two and a half or three pages. And it would have been quicker to read without so many big blocks of dialogue.

Good luck. Thanks for entering.

David Patterson (Level 3)

ok...i like the quirkiness of the piece...sort of a David lynch feel. I felt it was a bit confusing. I was lost more than i was engaged. I also felt that as a short film you would be asking a lot to have it produced. All thoise actors, all those locations...a lot of money for a five minute piece. I think the piece would be more effective with less. i mean less change of locations and stay with three or four main characters but of course, that is a style choice. Anyway...keep up the writing.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

'Oh my god, Kayla! Do you know how depressing that is?!'

Though not exactly depressing -- the dialogue is quite chipper throughout -- Janice's view of Deja Vu does indicate the dangers of sameness if you choose to make it your theme.

There are some large chunks of dialogue and one of the largest is Kayla's 'sameness' piece; 'same things, over and over, day after day'. Then the action; 'Same cafeteria, same table, same hustle and bustle'.

There are a number of parentheticals directing the actor: (nodding),(looking at her watch), (somberly) and others, which need to be kept to a minimum.

Well written but needs more story to make it entertaining.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

summary: two friends talk about deja vu

deja vu: phrase put to good use "--it's French."

comments: the two character's dialogue was similar but different as you would expect of friends * the action was talking heads - tell tale signs - words underlined and longer blocks of dialogue on a few pages *

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

You really took the theme of this contest to heart! I like the story and the dialogue feels very genuine. One thing that did not seem realistic was I can't imagine anyone attractive going on two or three blind dates per week. I think it would be more realistic if she were not attractive or if they were regular dates.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

This is a great script. I love the characters and the dialogue. I love the way that you played with deja vu. Great title. I can't find a single thing to criticise.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

The "..." doesn't need a period after it. It already has its own.

That was good. A play on the contest. There really isn't much I can say to improve it. A story about two chicks talking about Deja Vu. It would make a simple short.

Good job.

Oh, the lines of dialogue could be longer. I can tell that you don't use screenwriting software, which is fine, but I'm just pointing out that it looks a bit out of format, so you should make your lines just a tad longer.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Fun script playing with March's contest topic of déjà vu and the idea of déjà vu itself.

The dialogue was a lot of fun with its playful banter between two friends. Made me laugh out loud in several places.

However, a wee bit light on the plot.

Did I mention that this script is fun?

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Your first/last line makes sense and fits into the context real well.

I think you could make it edgier. Right now they sound like two vain girls talking about nothing. The one who found the point of deja vu is especially vain - she finds deja vu in eating sandwiches every day... But I think you could take it even further.
It's a dialog driven skit I'd say, which is good, I think. Only it's always better when the skits are funny. The premise and the idea of their talk is funny but the conversation could be even funnier I think.
But I ejnoyed their mindless talk regardless.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

An interesting philosophical discussion between Janice and Kayla. Could tell the women apart; imagine casting of two actresses would be even more helpful. Kayla's observations about life being repetitive/routine are pretty much correct, "do the same things, over and over, day after day." Could be rather depressing...
Not sure that there's enough visually, though, to keep an audience's attention. The cafeteria and office cubicles are rather generic. May want to give the two characters something to do while they are talking other than eating. Perhaps a type of diversion in the background, or maybe the women could play chess. The last scene about cordon bleu is clever and provides a perfect fit for "...it's French" to satisfy the prompt. The subject, however, doesn't seem to fit with the story's discussion about deja vu.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I can't help thinking that the twist ending isn't actually deja vu at all. It would only be deja vu if the entire conversation were repeated. But earlier they were talking about deja vu, and now they're talking about chicken. I don't see how Janice wins the argument. In fact, there are any number of French words and phrases that Kayla has heard throughout her life, and none of them are instances of deja vu. I appreciate that you tried to make a clever use of the challenge, but it just didn't seem clever enough. If the entire last conversation was be a repeat of the first, well, then you've got deja vu and Janice wins her point.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Yogi Bera said "It seems like deja vu all over again," and that's what this entry reminds me of. I'm a little more than half way through, and this is the first story that's used the deja vu angle of the challenge. I was hoping for more.

I really like the story. It's very low key and everyday in its setting and tone, but that's an important element here, and you use it well. It reminds me a little bit of a Jerry Seinfeld skit, too. A fun story.

You're a bit wordy. You could use more visuals and fewer parentheticals. Drop the "we..." whatevers you use. Just describe the image in as few words as you can without chopping it up too much.

You've written something here that is interesting and entertaining, and it would be a breeze for someone to film.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was easy to read and entertaining. Simple but the dialog gave it something more. A good example of something that would be easy to film. It's not deep, we don't care about these characters but the dialog is witty and it's entertaining. So very good job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I think you need a cross fade or add a "FADE IN:" to the second day, otherwise we're still faded out.

"Kayla flashes a victorious smirk as an intense, almost comical look of dismay overcomes Janice’s face"
This is really micro-directing the actors, and I don't see why just the repetition of that line would have such an exaggerated reaction from both of them.

Good.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Nice flowing dialogue. Two characters, high pace. I like those aspects of it. I don't like the daily setting, the non-visual aspect of it all and the simple personalization.

They are just characters saying words, hardly characters at all. Just names on paper. Give them a little more personality or something original.

I like the quick quips, but seeing them go through all those daily activities (given, this IS the topic) would look so boring on the screen. i'm not talking about high-action packed scenes here, just something that catches the eye.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This was fun and I appreciate your effort.

It's really just one long conversation between Kayla and Janice, followed by a second, short one on another day, which isn't the most effective way to tell a story via a screenplay, which should be visually driven.

You did create a very producable screenplay, although this read more like a stageplay, actually, but someone could make this fairly easily if they wanted to.

Your screenwriting is good. Format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I really like the title. This is a simple dialogue driven piece that does an effective job of getting across some almost literally water-cooler philosophy.

For me it might be that the dialogue is a bit heavy and perhaps this story could be told quite well with a page or two less.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

It should be OS not VO in your opening scene. I like the two characters in the script. But I think the story lacks conflict and actually a real story. The girls are basically talking through the whole movie. Nothing really happens to them. Talking gets boring after a while.

You have a good way of writing dialogue, though. It feels real and how someone would talk to someone.

This could be a scene from a bigger movie. But as a story it lacks substance.

Scott Strosahl (Level 2)

Great job of capturing the spirit of this month's theme. I like how you actually incorporated Deja Vu into your story, in addition to repeating the same line.

One thing: "different day – not too far in the future" - Looking at this as a script for a film, I'm not sure how you show that exactly. Maybe just say, they are sitting in the same place in different clothes, or something.

Otherwise, a good story with good dialogue.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

This script was bothersome. The dialogue between the two girls seemed so forced and their reactions... just everything about it annoyed me. Then with your action lines, several times, they end on orphans (one random word using up a new line). The characters are weak and you also didn't capitalize proper nouns in your action lines. This was just an unpolished mess.

I'll give it a FAIR just for the effort.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I liked this script only because I felt like I learned something by the end. I now know the definition for deja vu and cordon bleu. Other than that I didn't find any real redeaming qualities in this script. It feels like a conversation in a larger script. What is the conflict here?
Why did this story need to be told?
If you are able to answer those questions then you might be able to add some more substance to this.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I don't know if there was any real reason to start the conversation over a black screen, why not just open with a shot of them in the restauarant and begin the conversation after we see them?

Your writing could be a bit leaner by cutting down on descriptions that aren't relevant. Example, do we actually see that she is gazing at a Facebook app on her phone, or do we just see her gazing at her phone? Her dialogue tells us that she is on Facebook so you don't need it in your narrative which is already a bit too long.

Same thing again with your opening line 'Two women sit at a small table during their lunch break.' Delete this whole sentence and instead begin with, 'Janice...'
We know it's two women because you introduce them and we will see them. We also won't know they are on their lunch break so this is just pointless description.

How far away is their work from the cafeteria? Maybe it is in the same building, but if not be careful with 'Moments Later' in your scene headers. It is meant to show something happening literally straight after the last scene. I was thinking they would have had to walked or driven back to their work, but I could be wrong. The correct place to use it would be in place of where you have 'Seconds Later'.

If you insist on using transitions (like the Fade Outs you use, which is generally only used to indicate the end of the script) they need to be justified to the right, not left.

Story itself was okay, kind of just a debate about deja vu and religious/metaphysical beliefs. It was fine, but nothing really in it to make me remember it later on.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I personally think it's pretty cheesy to have the title of your story included as dialogue, especially in such a short script. This story was clever and had great pacing, but really it's just two talking heads for 5 pages. Nothing exciting really happens. I like the dialogue though!

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2011 12:29 AM

Great first entry. I hope we get to read more of your stories.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2011 12:39 AM

I loved it!

Patrick Skaggs (Level 3) ~ 5/2/2011 11:13 PM

Ouch! So maybe a gunfight and a girl-on-girl kiss to add some content huh? Got it.