Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Allen (Level 3)

There's a definite cuteness to this but it does seem a little incongruous what develops, which is a shame, 'cos you built a lovely setting. I suspect that this may work for a number of people, but it just didn't for me as it is.

I would personally change it up entirely from what they discover in the box, but that's not much help as you took it down this path.

Will be very curious to see what you have to say about the direction you took.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Incorrect grammar, I think, on page one: "It looks like an old and ragged wooden box swishing against in the tide."

Page two, incorrect grammar: "Hollister begins to take out the object out."

Page two, "tiptoe" in stead of "tip toe".

Fantastic magical moment on page two where mother changes into a seal. I like how it suddenly changes to a fantasy story. Would be a great animated short!

However, then the story stops... The children are about to follow their mother into this magical new world, they are going to embark on this magical adventure even more beautiful than Alice in Wonderland as they visit the magical depths of the sea, and we don't hear about it!

You had three more pages, but actually, I hope you make it into even more pages. It is a superb start of an epic adventure. Great writing!

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

I spotted at least three spelling errors but otherwise it was put together quite well.

I don't know why but I find these short screenplays harder to review than the five page versions.

I just didn't get it to be honest, two kids find a seal suit, take it home to mother who puts it on and swims out to sea... Why?

Could have been a lot more mysterious and at the same time answered a few more questions, you had three pages to do so.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This is imaginative and detailed. I like the brother and sister relationship, and the slight change that occurs with his character.

I'm somewhat confused about the goings on here. I guess the mom is some sort of seal-person and her fellow seals want her back, so they sent her sealskin suit to her... That's about what I can come up with. With the title being what it is, I thought there might have been more significance in the actual box. You have more space, it might behoove you to utilize it and give us a little more into the Mom's background and where the box came from.

Quite a few spelling and grammar problems. You should proofread, then have someone else proofread before submitting. Errors this frequent can either turn off readers because it looks amateurish, or could lead some to believe you don't really care for the script, else why leave so many errors. The story is king, but anything that detracts or gets in the way of that will ultimately bring down the story too.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This may be the strangest script of the month.

It was pretty well written, but there were a few errors that a proofread probably would have caught.

The story here was just completely bizarre. I don't get it at all. Kids find a seal suit, mom puts it on and turns into a seal and invites the kids to go for a swim with her? That's what I got out of this, but it doesn't make any sense. It's hard for me to grade a script like this. On the one hand, you certainly came up with a creative idea but on the other hand, your creative idea left me scratching my head.

Nice effort. I guess my recommendation would be that this script needs a polish and more clarification as to what's going on.

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

The beginning reminded me of a movie from some years ago, I think it was called "The Last Mimzy" or something. I have to say, I was not expecting that ending at all. It came as a surprise to me, but that's a good thing. I think kids would enjoy this.

Page 2:
Second to last line: "There mom..." should be "Their mom..."

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like this a lot.

There is something beautiful and yet also tragic and sad in this tale.

I think there is room to expand this a bit. Give us some more insight into these characters.

Still, I enjoyed this story very much.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

A Selkie? That's something new here; are you sure you don't want to cross it with a vampire or a zombie, or maybe both?

I'm just kidding, I really liked this one. I might have done some things differently, but any comments would only be me saying how I would have done it and the way you did it was just right.

Thanks for ending this at just over two pages. Short and sweet and it said it all -- no point in stretching it for five pages.

First one "out of the box" this month -- first excellent.

Good luck. Thanks for entering.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

The second slugline is not needed and the time difference is confusing. How much later is DUSK from LATE DAY and why do you need the time span?

Avoid constructions like; 'begins to go', 'begins to cut', 'begins to take out'. Write as if the action happens now; goes, cuts, takes.

'There mom' = their mom

To make this variation on the selkie myth more compelling it needs to show more of the character and story of the mother. As it is the transition from her being 'stern' to 'emotional' and then swimming off and urging the children to follow is too sudden. Perhaps if the children were discussing their mother as they found the box?

The title would be better if it described the circumstances under which it were found. The present form gives the impression that the box is a permanent feature of the beach.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

summary: a little girl finds a box with something for her mother inside *

deja vu: phrase use okay * "Mary-Ann, wait!"

comments: story based on the legend of selkies? * abrupt ending

mechanics: why not just say, MARY-ANN, 9, tomboy, for intro * i don't know what a strong-headed kid looks like - armor plating? (LOL) * there was space left for the writer to explore the suit and implications *

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

There isn't much here, barely over two pages. You certainly had room to explain why their mother cried and is a seal. The title is okay but would "Seal of Approval" be better? Sorry, I couldn't resist! I think you mean toddles not taddles on page one and in one spot you spell Mary-Ann "Marry-Ann".

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Some grammatical errors there which can be distracting to the reader.

There's a bit of a Peter Pan feel to the story making me wonder if this is all
just a child's imagination. I think the conflict of not being sure what to do with the box could be strengthened.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Exhausted? How big is this box? I assumed it was small like the box from Hellraiser. So it's like a chest. You should make that specific.

"take out the object out" typo.

What?! Haha!

Well, I guess I understand it. A former seal was probably changed into a human for something it did and its skin was locked away. She probably spent years trying to find it and finally her kids stumbled upon it and now she can live the life she thought was long gone.

But what about her kids? They can't turn into seals, and if they can you didn't make that clear.

I thought it was kind of strange that the mom didn't say anything. If you wanted to keep it that way, I think you should have had the mom sitting in a chair looking like a crazy old woman. Not funny crazy, but sad crazy. With a bunch of seal pictures and stuff, and then showed her kids running around on the beach. It wouldn't completely help your story, but introducing the mom prior to her just abandoning her children would have been better. Maybe show some skin suits for them too? I don't know...

It was nicely written though.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Okay, I'm not sure what is happening here. Considering you've got an extra one and three-quarters pages spare, you could use that space to clarify a few things... like why a seal skin is in the sea? And why Mom is so emotional when she sees it?

To be honest, if you want to give your script a mystical vibe, you could keep these question unanswered. However, I'd consider doing a few tweaks.

First of all, I'd consider giving Mom a proper name -- Mom is very generic.

Secondly, I think Mom needs more of a build up, a proper introduction. She's barely in the script before she reacts to seeing the sealskin. You could, for example, introduce her early in the script, staring out to the sea in longing, like she's missing something in her life. This will help set up the later scene where she gains (regains?) the sealskin (hopefully making the audience think: "Ah-ha! So that's what she was missing!").

I also thought your writing towards the end felt a little rushed... you need a few more "Dramatic pauses". For example, when you wrote:

"Through the shadowy silhouette they see her slip into the
sealskin and transform into a beautiful seal who then slides
beneath the waves."

...that's more like a summary of what happens. You need to break it down, be a little more detailed. For example, you could re-write as:

Mom steps towards the sea. She slips out of her clothes.

MARY-ANN
Mom? What are you doing?

Mom ignores Mary-Ann. She picks the sealskin from the basket before her, holds it up to the moonlight.

Mary-Ann and Hollister step closer. Their eyes light up in amazement as...

...Mom turns into a seal.


etc. etc. That's only a rough draft, but (IMO) it's better because it breaks down what's happening into the individual events, creates dramatic pauses and mental images.







Again, you can make use of the extra space.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think it's imaginative. And an easy read.
So I understood that their mom is a seal, turned into a person - or maybe I'm overthinking it. It's certainly an interesting story just the turns somehow come out of blue. She swims with seals...
Somehow it reads comedic. And maybe I'm just being cynical...- I don't mean it in the offensive way.
I enjoyed it in a way because of her swimming with seals. I think you wanted dramatic but this actually brought tears of joy in my eyes.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Short and sweet tale of transformation. The first line of description concerning the waves, sandy shore, and "the ocean seems to pour out into the horizon" is lovely visual writing.
Need to tighten this short short a bit. Could probably omit Mary-Ann and Hollister's movements, phrases like, "taddles (toddles?) over, begins to go up to, reluctantly back off." Might introduce Mom earlier. She suddenly appears and takes the focus away from Mary-Ann and Hollister. Seems odd that a sealskin that means so much to her would be floating around in the ocean. Love the idea of watching her change into a seal and swim in the ocean with other seals in the moonlight, but there needs to be some logic to her escapade.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title. A lot.

I don't think three pages does this justice, though. You don't take the time to set up a background... Maybe an emphasis on how drawn to the sea the kids are... Maybe they're torn between the land and the sea... Something... Something compelling and beutiful and life threatening... Amp up the stakes here.

Other than that, I really like the story. All it needs is some more meat... I really hope you do a rewrite, making this longer and more compelling than it currently is...

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Cool idea. I like how you don't explain any of the mythology surrounding this seal suit and how their mother came to be human without it.

Sometimes you slip into a prose style (e.g. "The barnacle encrusted straps are flopped to the ground" or "She takes her children and embraces them lovingly, much to their confusion") which does not suit a screenplay. Also try to cut down on adverbs ("firmly", "shyly", etc.), and use more appropriate verbs instead.

Good.

Paolo Tinari (Level 3)

It is professionally written, fast and lean, you have the technique. What happens between those people/seals/mother/kids/idontknow is still a mistery to me but was nice reading it. Hope to read more of it.

Patrick Skaggs (Level 3)

This didn't quite work for me...seemed rushed...needed some polishing...I'm not sure. I guess I was kind of interested in finding out what the sealskin was all about, but maybe was disappointed at the answer. Just didn't seem like a lot of effort was put into the script.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Poetic, bit too nonsensical and abstract. Its always easier to be confusing.

Powerful imagery doesnt save a pretty shallow story, i like the experimental try, but I wish it involved a bit more.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is an entertaining simple story. I like the reveal of what the skin is for.

The writing in this might be a little heavy and could be sharpened up to make the read smoother. Also I’m not really sure that the last line of dialogue works well for this story.

“the ocean seems to pour out into the horizon” – For me this doesn’t help me picture what's happening on screen.

“It looks like an” – Most of the time in screenplays this kind of description is redundant since we will see it as being whatever it looks like.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Your script had an interesting opening. But you fizzled a bit at the end. I was interested and wanting to read more and you suddenly ended the story. You had more pages to flesh it out. It was as if you ran out of steam or an idea to finish.

I am fascinated by Selkies and tales of them, so I was intrigued, but you lost me at the end. Try and think of a satisfying end to this little tale and I think you'll have a very nice story.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This was quite a strange story. Their mother is a seal that can change between human and seal form? Top marks for originality.

You have three spare pages here that are really needed to explain more about what is going on here. I don't know anything about any of them, so all I'm left with when their mother changes is confusion. Also, there were a couple of typos in here that should have been cleaned up, especially given the length.

Fair.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

Can't say that this made any sense to me. Their mom is a seal?

The writing needs a thourough editing as there are numerous mistakes in here. Also watch for phrases like 'begins to' in your scripts. Focus on writing more in the active voice.

How is it possible that we have them on the porch acording to your scene header, then we can supposedly see her swimming at the beach with other seals? You need new scene headings if you want to do this. Sorry, but this only gets a Fair.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Dubya tee eff, man. I dunno what to say. I thought this was going to be a cool story, the box definitely grabbed my attention and I had some high hopes. But then... I have no idea.

Comments Made After the Contest

David Serra (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2011 12:24 AM

I can see why you thought this was confusing. This idea, as some of you figured out, is based off of the legend of Selkies. Thank you for all of your points. I will be making a lot of tweaks, and expand the story with much greater detail and depth.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2011 12:31 AM

I really dug this story, but it probably helps that I already knew about the Selkie legends. I thought this was beautiful.

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 5/1/2011 12:48 AM

I enjoyed your story. Thanks.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 5/1/2011 1:12 AM

I enjoyed your story too! I look forward to reading your rewrite.

David Serra (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2011 9:08 PM

I rewrote the script, if anyone wants to look.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5) ~ 5/2/2011 6:00 AM

Hi David,
I gave your rewrite a reread. Here's my notes.

Page one: "rocks smoothly in her rocking chair", you use the word rock twice. I'd make it "moves back and forth in her rocking chair".

You don't need the (CONTINUED) underneath every page any more nowadays.

I don't like it that you serve the story part by part. I want to be able to read the story from start to finish. Also, make sure you know how it ends. You don't have a beginning before you know how it ends.

My initial thoughts were; I bet they lost a child to the ocean. Why do they still live at sea when a) the children are not allowed anywhere near it and b) it brings back sad memories to mom?

The scenes describe things happening in a household but they don't push the story forward. Nothing *really* happens. You are providing information, exposition, and very little plot and characterization.

Quick synopsis of the story:

Scene 1: The children, Mary-Ann and Hollister, are playing on the beach, and we learn they are not allowed in the water.

Scene 2: We learn there is something about the sea that makes Ilana cry.

Scene 3: We learn Adam, the dad, doesn't want the kids near the ocean.

Scene 4: twelve-year-old Hollister is preparing dinner for the family. We see Ilana has problems seeing fish being skinned.

Scene 5: The children have to eat with utensils while mom is allowed to eat with her hands.

Scene 6: Ilana comes by Mary-Anns bedroom to tell a bedside story. Daughter doesn't want to hear the story about the Selkies *again*.

Scene 7: Glorans arrives, and wants something the family is reluctant to give. Not sure what. It seems Gloran is taking Adam and Ilana away, and Ilana is supposed to wear a sealskin?

You have exposition right until scene 7. I would suggest starting at scene 7, where the real action actually begins and I suggest cutting everything before it because it is exposition. You can introduce all that information later in the story, hidden, while you tell the story. Remember, "show, THEN tell". Don't bore your audience. Action. Dramatize things. Show.

Also, in a short screenplay, clarity is important. For example, Glorans wants two somethings from Adam, but not the children apparently because Glorans says Adam can keep his children. Then what does Glorans want? I don't know what he's after actually.

Now the contest is over you don't have to stick to five pages also.

Hope these notes are helpful.

Keep at it! You clearly have a story in you, get it out! For example, you do hint at a magic mystic maritime life under water. I can't wait to enter it actually!
Ayal

Kelley Allen (Level 3) ~ 5/4/2011 10:36 PM

Hey David,

First off, I really love this script. Just lovely. I would really like to see the rewrite as well. (But first, I need to get back to my own rewriting before tomorrow. Tick tock. Tick tock.) Man, these folks here on MoviePoet are a tough audience. - Not that I'm complaining since this will only make us both stronger writers.

Keep up the good work!

Kelley

David Serra (Level 4) ~ 5/5/2011 3:34 PM

Thanks Kelly!

David

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 5/5/2011 5:40 PM

David,

Welcome to MoviePoet! I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to review your script during the contest. Not being familiar with the Selkie legend, I too found the original script a tad confusing (I haven't seen the rewrite), but I wanted to mention that I loved the first scene and transition into the second. It was very crisp.

Gary Rademan (Level 5) ~ 5/23/2011 2:17 PM

The rewrite is not a rewrite as much as it is a new story. The first one had a sea vibe thing going for it I really liked and the thrill of being selkie.

The new story takes a direction with the selkie being in danger from outside the family. It’s a good start, a few narrative issues, to the selkie chronicles. I hope to see more.