Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Things I find unlikely:
1) A coach who was never good at inspiring speeches. Especially when it is a woman. Women have a way with words, I tell you ;-)
2) The coach's ashes being spread out by these girls, not by the coach's family.
3) A female who likes fishing.
4) An NCAA coach who takes her team out fishing.

I think you took the approach of taking a story about men and you changed the men into women. In this case it doesn't really work. The women are behaving all manly. You probably changed the beers to glasses of champagne, not quite the same thing.

I like how it ends though. I like it that this event changes Mason. He discovered he likes fishing.

A rite of passage story where the protagonist and his group deal with a loss.

We see the group go on with their lives as the coach would have wanted. I think it is a great ending.

Good story, well-written.

But please, for the love of god, please, change these characters back to men :-)

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Well written piece, dialogue flowed freely, the action scenes were good and well described. As for the overall plot, it did seem to plod on a bit, just kept waiting for something to happen, they went fishing and caught a fish! Sorry, didn't quite float my boat.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Pros:

A nice feel good story.

There was some good detail when they were fishing.

Cons:

There are some formatting issues. For instance the Montage... each shot should get its own line of action rather than putting all the shots into a paragraph.

I'm not sure exactly how fishing relates to these girls and the coach. I know they talk about it being a big deal when they were playing, but I still felt some disconnect there. I'm imagining them as a basketball players, but everything that is meaningful in this has nothing to do with basketball.

It felt like you were building for something to happen at the end. Not necessarily tragic or over-the-top joyous, but something... the end came and sort of fizzled out. In passing they mention going fishing again, but that was almost like an afterthought.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written, formatted and paced very well.

All we get for character descriptions is their age. That doesn't paint a very strong mental image of any of the characters.

This could be trimmed down quite a bit. We're fed a lot of information that is ultimately irrelevant, such as this person drinks bottled water, that person drinks champagne, etc... None of it has any relevance to the story at hand.

I'm not sure what kind of a team they would have been on that only had 3 members. It seemed to me that there should have been more people on the boat if they were honoring their coach.

Speaking of the the story, it didn't do much for me. Three girls go fishing to honor their coach, catch fish, the end. That's a relatively mundane tale that I don't think would make for an overly interesting film. There's no twist, climax or punchline at the end. They just catch a fish and discuss going again sometime.

Nice effort. The writing is solid, but I think the story could have been stronger.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

You know what they say, "Quitters never win, and winners never quit." Ah, I haven't heard that since grade school.

What kind of sport were they into? I know it doesn't really help with story, but I was just curious what sport you had in mind. I never really got an idea of how long they were battling that fish. Was it like Old Man and the Sea type battle? Or was it like a Bassmaster type battle? I understood they put in a lot of effort, but what physical tolls did that fish take each of the girls. Bruises? Welts? Strained rotators? Muscle spasms? Craps?

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

EXT. MARINA - DAY
A car pulls into a large marina - you don't need to mention the marina twice.

There are details in your script that don't move the story forward therefore it's rather flat - e.g. the sat nav/Mason being late, Heather spilling her champagne.

While it was carefully written, well-formatted and had no mistakes I didn't think there was much of a story or conflict in it. I found it hard to CARE about the characters that much.

I was glad they caught the fish though!

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

There was some great dialog in this one. The characters were very distinctive and I liked them all for different reasons. Samantha, Mason, and Heather seemed to be a very compatible trio. The reason why they were fishing was not put in awkwardly and bluntly (they didn't say flat out "The reason why we are fishing even though Mason doesn't like it is..."), which is good. The script is original and a pleasant read.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I liked this a lot.

There is a freshness here that comes from having the characters be women instead of men. To see female athletes bond over the death of a coach is very cool.

I especially liked the visuals and the subtext in the dialogue.

Very well done.

David Patterson (Level 3)

ok...I like the idea of the girls going out to sea to bury the ashes and take up fishing. fun! But...it didn't seem like such a stretch. something they've done before. The ending is great but here's my problem. I didn't really sense an arc. They got along too well. There was no real conflict. There was some bickering but not enough. I think the tension between the girls should be flushed out. That way at the end...there's a pay off. And i don't want to write the story...but maybe none of them wanted to go out in the boat to begin with and they don't really know how to operate a boat. So...I just feel the stakes need to be a little higher because I really think there is something genuine in your script.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

First, a nit-pik. Mason is not a common girls name. You did not describe her and the only reason I knew she was a girl was because of the contest.

This is well written. I can visualize the battle with the fish, for the most part, and the dialogue exchange between the girls is very well done. You told your story of Mason not giving up without ever saying those words. Good job!

Ed Jones (Level 4)

Samantha is tetchy with Mason from the start; there is tension between these two. Heather is slighter, funnier and the mediator; this makes for a good balance between the three. I feel, however, there is something lacking in this well-written but too cosy tale which makes the ending predictable.
Samantha's confession that she too was once tempted to quit is a turning-point for Mason's view of her. If there were more evidence of say, envy, on the part of Mason for Samantha's seemingly too-easy success at college then the revelation would have more dramatic power.
I like the imperative to the young implicit in the title.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Well written screenplay that fit the requirements of the challenge. I liked it and the message at the end. However, does the writer realize that the fish was a HE. There were not supposed to be any males in the SP’s. Don’t worry, I’m not counting off any points for that. Good job.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Excellent beginning to end. Wouldn't change a thing.

Also, very refreshing to read a screenplay that celebrates the friendship between women. It seems so much easier to go for the off the cuff, back stabbing, catty sort for a laugh.

Tightly written, nice forward momentum.

And having Heather smashed saying "Here fishy, fishy, fishy" could be quite hilarious.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

Go Fish! A fish tale? * hopeful premise * three former teammates spread the ashes of their coach and go fishing and chatting * I especially like the coach’s “you will be quitting on life” story but I wish it was more * what was the point of bringing in the big fish? * I don’t like being told and girls laugh uncontrollably especially if it’s not funny * I thought Mason was a guy and had to read the opening scene twice * I thought the story sizzled when they were reminiscing * writing style was lean, I like that

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

Love the image of three women fishing and not being super girlie about it. For me I struggled to see whose story this was. When I first read it, I thought it was Sam, but she doesn't have any change or personal obstacle to overcome. So then I thought it was Mason as she does change, however I didn't feel like the change was big or important to her character. She doesn't come across as a quitter in life and in fact her intro suggests she tends to blame things, rather than herself for what goes wrong in her life. It was unclear what the fishing showed about their personalities, their wants and needs. Heather for example could be cut and the story would not miss her. Finally I was left with these questions which may or may not be important... What was the sport that only had 3 people and 6am training sessions? Isn't education more important than sport? (that coach sounded a little irresponsible to me). In this day and age can't they all have photos? Why did the coach take them fishing?

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title is appropriate. The craft is good but it is missing FADE IN: and FADE OUT. The story is good but I would have liked a little more action. This would make a great scene in a larger story.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

I like the way this is written. The dialogue feels very real. Heather reminds me of my brother, with the unspilled drink. At first I thought Mason was a guy, so the line "the girls exchanged hugs" confused me. Then I remembered all characters had to be female. I don't really buy the "let's go fishing again" ending.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I guess this is okay, not too many ups and downs in the story, and therefore, it feels a little flat and melodramatic.

Almost the entire script details how the three girls catch a fish, and nothing more. I think it needs another element or complication in there to make it more interesting. I understand their motivation of catching a fish, but you need more "event" in there. What if one of the girls fell into the water? What if the fish they're trying to catch is actually a shark or piranha?

The three girls' goal has already been stated on page 2, and the story stayed on this path unchanged for way too long. Although I know how it's gonna end, I think it's still a sweet tale afterall.

GOOD.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

End of pg 1 should be watches.

Good job. Their dialogue was natural until the end for me. Perhaps is the last line was something like "maybe" instead of a complete 180 which made it too contrite.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

You don't need to tell us that Mason still has the Urn in his hand when he gets on the dock because you already established that he has it when he gets out the car.

Oh... Mason is a woman. lol, I forgot that was the requirement.

You should have described them as athletes if it's vital to your story. Tall and toned or something.

I liked this. Very simple story with a nice ending. I don't really know what else to say about it. Excellent work :)

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I think the main problem with your script is the conflict. Or lack of it.

None of your three characters are faced with any adversity that they must overcome. You could, for example, add a back story where Mason is afraid of water following a childhood incident. She must then overcome her fears and go fishing, all for coach's sake.

I would also have your characters argue more. Conflict creates drama. Perhaps the three characters could disagree on the best way to honor the coach's memory.

Other than that, your script is neat and tidy with no glaring errors.

Justin Ryan Colon (Level 4)

I didn't really sense any form of conflict in this script aside from the girls struggling to reel the fish in and get it over the railing.

I understand the metaphor you created with the fishing, however; I feel the metaphor didn't do much for the script. I did feel any arc in this script.

Kelley Allen (Level 3)

Fun story that I enjoyed reading. The author strikes a nice balance between action and the dialogue between the three women characters. The author also succeeds in bringing out each character as an individual. The pace is good and the writing is tight.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This was sentimental but perhaps too sentimental for me.

The end of it was kind of on the nose. Plus Mason hardly knew the coach or felt for the coach. I think she's just humoring Samantha. She doesn't need to fish or go fishing to say "I'd like that". But hopefully it's just me.

Anyway, it's good just a bit melodramatic for me.

Kirk White (Level 5)

a nice sweet story, a little on the nose but I think this could make a solid short.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Cute and catchy title. Like the idea and the imagery of three girls on a boat fishing.
The slice of life feeling as Mason, Samantha, and Heather gather to scatter their coach's ashes works. Seems the challenge is to assign definitive personalities to the girls so it's possible to witness how they react to each other and to Coach's death. Rather hard to tell them apart initially. The story eventually reveals that fishing is not Mason's "thing" and that Heather has a weak stomach. Heather's line, "Here fishy fishy fishy," is funny, plus she's the one who falls on her rear end without spilling her drink, also rather funny. Samantha is clearly the leader. Establishing the individual traits of each girl early on would add some depth.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Mason is a girl's name? Never heard that one before.

The opening conversation sounds kind of mean and petty, but then the girls exchange hugs. It seemed all out of sync. Perhaps they ought to instead talk about "good to see you" or "it's been a while", not "stupid" and "blame".

If there was a whole team represented by this coach (and possibly generations of teams), why are only three girls present for the urn-dumping? Apparently this coach wasn't as well liked as the girls say.

Samantha wanted to quit the team to keep her scholarship? Huh? I'm assuming it was an athletic scholarship. In that case, quitting the team would also forfeit her scholarship. Apparently I'm missing something.

I like the upbeat ending.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Great title for a great story!

Everything here works.

My oldest grandson's name is Mason, and it threw me when your first character shared the name. I recovered quite nicely, though...

Then the fish is a he! I recovered from that one, too.

All in all, one of my favorites this month.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Main problem is there isn't really a compelling story here. It's mostly one long scene on a boat. And you never described any of these girls so I couldn't picture them at all. There wasn't any kind of tension or emotion so for me it was just flat.

Get us invested in your characters...make us care how they feel and what happens to them. And give us a story. They have their coach's ashes...why them? This coach must have known hundreds of players...so why did these three end up with her ashes? What is going on with these girls since they graduated college? Give us something.

Don't be discouraged by low scores, just keep writing. It really helps to read a lot of screenplays too. KEEP WRITING!! :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like the bitter-sweet tone of this script, about remembering and honouring someone.

"Freshman year, I wanted to quit the team."
This confession and the turning point felt slightly forced, although I feel it did become justified with the quote from the Coach about "quitting".

Very good.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Formatting is good throughout.

The characters don't come to life as you give no description for any of them and their dialogue has no individual quirks or patterns. If the girls came over as a bit more vibrant and unique then this would lift your story.

Dialogue is clunky in places, particularly the bit about 'quitting' - get a friend to read your dialogue out to you so you can hear if it's natural or not.

The story is ok, a bit more pathos at the beginning over the loss of someone close to them could also lift this.

Patrick Skaggs (Level 3)

Very good story and very well written...one of my favorites so far in the One for the Ladies contest. The dialogue was realistic and interesting. The action in the story would seem difficult to write but you made it seem easy. I had a very clear image of what was going on, even when you were used a few fishing terms I didn’t completely understand. I printed this script to keep as a reference. Good job!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Feels more like a scene from a bigger film. All the coach exposition felt really forced, i cant feel along if ive never met this coach. It also feels like there are too many characters without any real charaterization.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

There's nothing like paying tribute to someone than going out and killing something!

Sorry, I jest. I like the themes here, but this all feels a little on-the-nose. Characters talk about exactly how they think or feel. Any dialogue between characters who know each other that has, "You know how..." always comes off as expositional.

Your screenwriting is very good and this was a fast, fluid read. There are some formatting issues, particularly with the montage. There are some minor typos throughout.

Peter Timony (Level 3)

Sweet story, good dialogue, even if it ordered on the overly sentimental at times. The struggle with the fish at the end was a good parallel to the struggles of the girls. I think if you should consider rewriting this without the 5 page limit. I think a few more details could really flesh it out well.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

A decent story. I liked that it took place on a boat and involved fishing. Not exactly exotic, but still different from most scripts.

The three girls sounded kind of the same. I didn't get the significance between drinking champaign or water...

Your montage was a series of shots, not a montage. A montage is more like a series of short scenes, not quick shots. Maybe you did it because of the page constraint?

Anyway, I enjoyed it. Good luck with it. :)

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Unique story. I had trouble with the name 'Mason.' Don't know why but I thought it was a guy's name. I liked the bond between the women. I wish there would have been more use for the 'urn' in the story. It's enough for them to talk about their previous coach but unless it factors into the story, why take the urn along? I liked the 'never quit' underdog lesson and there appeared to be a nice flow of action in this but I felt like the story lacked a true antagonist. There was infighting but not enough of an obstacle for true friends to get through. Maybe raise the stakes and have them encounter trouble at sea as well. Make them rely on each other for friendship and survival. Just a suggestion.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought Mason was a guy until you had the girls all hug. Maybe say something that lets us know she is a girl, cos that is a guys name.

I liked the three characters and I like the fight with the fish scenes. But the ending just sort of felt flat to me. I mean, there was no punch line.

They just parted ways with the promise to go fishing again some day. Maybe I'm missing something?

There's a lot of exposition talking about the coach. Also I'm not sure, unless the girls were family, that they would have been able to take the Coach's ashes and spread them in the ocean. Wouldn't her family have taken care of the funeral/burial details?

Good dialog between the girls it was fast paced and easy to read. I like reading good dialog, and the scenes with the fish were good. Like I said, there was some exposition, but I did like the relationship between the girl

Seth Burns (Level 1)

Nice little story about perseverance and those people in our lives you push us to do more. When they do they make us like that and we seek to push others. Little bit of conflict to echo the main character's sentiments towards her coach. Finished abruptly though, maybe the ending could have been romanticised.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I didn't really feel a lot about this script. It worked but I didn't really get a sense of tension or real character development. It kind of plodded for me, sorry.

Watching three girls fish isn't the most exciting visual experience I can think of and I think you need to beef up the story quite a bit. They're trying to do this for 'Coach' and end up learning that they feel good about accomplishing something - that's good. I think you need to work on the characters and their dialogue and this could be a good 'coming-of-age' script. As it is now, it didn't really do a lot for me.

"Get HIM! Help me pull HIM in." Tut tut, is that a male character in your script? ;)

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Well, it's just too bad that there's no story here, because, otherwise, it could have been good.

One thing I think you should always keep in mind is the setup/payoff concept. You start the script with a scene that sets up the antagonism between Mason and Samantha. What for, the reader never knows because it is never explained.

I didn't notice the dialogue, which means it is good.

The format -and I mention it just because you use some higher gade device, otherwise I wouldn't say anything- could be better. For example, scene headings shouldn't close the page. You don't do a scene heading, but you use a slug which is there to replace one at the very bottom of p. 2. If the space remaining does not allow to fit even a single line under the slug, the slug should be pulled to the next page. I know it seems nonconsequential, but when the reader is used to the standard any break feels like a sore thumb in the eye. On the other hand, you've done a great use of the slugs. I say keep it up.

Also, I bet you know that is not the way to format a montage. My guess is that the correct format pushed your page count to 6, so you opted for this version. I'd say it's alright, but don't get too used to it.

Last, the insert of the photograph has to be handled differently. In my opinion, either you put it at the end of the previous scene, or you have to show it AFTER you have shown a change in location -which it would mean to show Samantha looking at the picture, or something like that. Think about it, you write "EXT. MARINA - DAY", but the viewers of you movie can't know that because all they see is a photograph.

Anyway, sorry I went so long for format rather than content. The reasons is that, as I said at the beginning, there's no story but rather a slice of time. There's a beginning and a middle, but nothing really happens, as far as the reader can tell, because nothing is at stake. Would the outcome have been different had our three charcters not fished anything, drunk the champagne, poured coach's ashes into the ocean? And how theit lives changed as a consequence of those actions? If you could answer "yes" to those questions, this would have been a more intersting reading.

Good luck.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This was a good enough story. But there was never any kind of tension or conflict whatsoever. The only resemblence comes at the very, very end and even then it didn't feel very strong or important. I think you have a good hook (ha) here with the teammates and honoring their coach, but I think if you added some stuff to complicate this story and make you feel more invested in the outcome it would be a lot better.

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Title is good. Dialogue seemed a little stiff. Navigating comment seemed out of context and the moment of pouring someone's ashes out should be emotional. I did not get much emotion out of this. I had a hard time following the part where they reel in the fish ( I needed the line that said they had been at it an hour). Maybe a shorter description that said montage of fish catching scene would have been easier to follow. The message about quitting was good and the teamwork the girls showed was good, but in general I just felt this was flat. Needs more emotion for wake scene.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Mason is typically a boy name, so it would be wise to establish right away that it's not this time to avoid the pause of realizing she is a girl. I like the teamwork, not so much the retelling of coaches message as much as watching the girls work together. I like the ending and how it's not on-the-nose. I like the suspense of wondering if something magical would happen since they put coaches' ashes into the water.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

A few typos and a formatting error, but nothing glaring.

This script was well-written, but it seemed to be the same thing over and over again -- I understand that not quitting is the theme (that was made qquite obvious...), but it got tiresome after the second reeling in the fish scene.

Comments Made After the Contest

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 4/1/2011 1:18 PM

Hey Bill, I gave this one an excellent. Great job :)

Bill Clar (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 2:57 PM

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

I have a female cousin named Mason, so the possibility of confusion never occurred to me.

The story takes place 4 years after college, so not everyone on the team can make it. These girls have careers and lives now. I wanted to have Mason running late from the airport, but I didn't have space.

Montage format. Got it!