Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Was that the end? No fade out so I wasn't sure. I felt the character's frustration cause I wanted to know why she was in the room too. But without anything stated except some subliminal images of her in ice and at a doctor's isn't enough.

I think you need to use the last 2 pages to expand the idea and fill in some holes.

Good luck.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

i think this is interesting. i wonder if it would feel a little more contained if she didn't see herself, in real time, reflected in the tv until the end. if it was reserved for the ending, it might give the sense that she is truly trapped in this bizzare room indefinately.

if not that, some other build might be good. while what happens is intersting, it's a little stagnated as is--all the images add up to almost a snapshot of the character a.d. it could be powerful to have more of an arc to it.

AJ Smith (Level 2)

Your script ended rather abruptly. Is that really where you wanted it to end? I would have liked to see more of what you were trying to convey, because while I liked your style of writing, I couldn't figure out the point of the story.

Antonio Gangemi (Level 3)

When the script ended, I wasn't sure if a page or two were missing. It seemed to cut out midstream, and this was compounded by the fact that there was no FADE OUT or THE END.

Based on that, I don't think I can fairly rate this script.

Barbara Lewis (Level 4)

I think this could have been a little longer - I like this idea very much, but as written it's kind of difficult to pick out the story.

Break up those description paragraphs with a lot of white space - you could rewrite them to say the same things with much less :) The first page reads like prose and you don't want that.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well, I feel like I missed something here. The writing was good, the concept was interesting, but the execution was extremely confusing. I really have no idea what happened there. Was the girl crazy? Dead? Being experimented on? Frozen in a block of ice? Very confusing, but well written.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

i liked your opening sequence until i got to the fourth paragraph, maybe add some dialogue in between. but i ralize you wre maybe trying t o go for something with no dialogue. This was nice, imaginative, creative.

But it did feel as if i was reading a school essay. Maybe a short story. Try expanding with some dialogue.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Writing as I read - in the first paragraph you used the word door four times. It would be good to look over your work when you've finished it and try to trim it or at least add variety.

Good visuals in this piece though, and well done for resisting the temptation to have the woman talking to herself, because that rarely works.

The ending seemed to fizzle out rather. You built up very well but then I wanted more.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I was definitely intrigued by this story, but the ending left me wanting much more.

I was never quite sure what happened or why. You probably want the audience to be a little confused, much like the character in the story, but if it doesn't resolve somehow in the end, it doesn't feel very satisfying.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

This feels incomplete, like the screenwriter ran out of time and submitted a story fragment instead of a completed script. Or perhaps it's a short sequence from a full length work (a dream sequence, maybe). Be that as it may, what is there is good, nice imagery, holds interest -- but incomplete. Instead of having a story arc it just all of a abruptly stops.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

The writing was good and the concept was interesting. You definately met the ONE requirement.

The blood on the walls and the visual with the TV kept me intrigued the whole time.

I didn't quite get the ending, but it may be just me. I wasn't sure how everything got cleaned up... we saw how she got bloody and how she got blood on the walls, so I feel like I missed something or a step.

Over all good story and it kept me interested.

Good luck

DW Pollard (Level 4)

This is obviously not a finished piece.

Paragraphs are much too long - break them up and give the reader more white on the page; it will make for an easier read.

Jacob Schantz (Level 3)

The Hellish imagery couldn’t really save this for lack of a plot.
It’s kind of horrible to live eternity in that existence, but it doesn’t really fully flesh out that horror.
There’s like five sentences in a row using the word Blood. You don’t have to hammer it home that much. I got from the first lines that there’s blood everywhere.
Expanded and rewritten to fit the guidelines might be good practice for next month.

Jay Knisely (Level 4)

Not an involved script, but the solitariness and vacant futility of the situation is pretty well portrayed.

I'm not sure where else this could go, but you might have given something a shot. It has a set-up feel to it like something was going to happen but then not.

John Foley (Level 4)

A good Twilight Zone influenced script.

Kirk White (Level 5)

Lots of passive and weak voice in this one (She starts to shiver...she Begins to pound) and I wasn't sure what was going on. I can see the visuals in my head and I think it would be trippy to watch but I didn't really get a sense of who she was, where she was and what the heck was happening to her. I'm guessing by the title that she was dead an in some kind of purgatory but I didn't understand the block of ice.

I'd suggest really ironing out the world of this piece and doing a couple more passes.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

While you do a good job in the descriptive, I'm at a loss as to what is going on. And the script just ends abruptly. I don't know why that is, since you wrote barely three pages. If she is in a mental institution, I can't see her being left alone especially in the hallway and you give no reason as to why her hair is wet. Overall I'm at a loss as to what the script means.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Your story sets up a conflict that is extremely intriguing. But lacks any kind of resolution.

It’s not easy to come up with a grabber like this one that has the audience wondering who is this woman, how she got there, etc. But the hardest part is to give a satisfying resolution to (not all but at least some) of the questions you put in the audience’s mind.

I’m not even sure if your script was posted entirely since it’s just two pages long and it ends quite abruptly without any FADE OUT or THE END in the last page.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

To me this is more of a situation than a story. I don't know enough about what's going on to understand what has changed between the beginning and the end. I don't know why the woman is in the room or the point of the live feed or the blips of different feeds. The only clue offered is the title, but I can't figure out the writer's "message." What am I supposed to understand about the writer's view of life based on this script? Why are you telling me this story?

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

Oh, I get it. After Death.

My main issue with this is that nothing really happened. I didn't really feel there was any resolution, or a crisis for that matter. These things were just happening to her. And while it might make a interesting and perplexing short, there was very little story to hang onto.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

While I'm not a big fan of afterlife scenerios, I do like that you chose to tell this story almost entirely in images. That said, I don't get a great sense of closure from the ending of this story. Nothing is really ever explained. I almost feel like the ending was a away to avoid trying to explain something that was potential far more complicated than could have been written in 5 pages or less. Where is this story going?

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This one was kind of odd. I didn't really understand it to be honest with you. It also seemed that it ended rather abruptly. Almost like you forgot to attach the next few pages. There wasn't even a FADE OUT:

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

I've seen this before about a woman in a room looking at a tv set and seeing herself. Is she dead? Is this after death? Questions not answered and left me empty.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I was drawn in right away. There's a decent premise but not enough of a story to connect the images. The blood images against the stark white and cold static are visually compelling but I wanted to know why the woman was there. How was she killed or how did she die? She seems young and not harmed. There was room to develop some back story that could have given her an arc but I didn't sense that she changed from the beginning to the end and I wanted to connect more emotionally with the images. The writing wasn't bad, but I wanted more story.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

This story seems incomplete to me.

This script seems wordy and made for a tough read. I think you could cut the words and lengthen the script.

I'd like to see this rewrite.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I was a little confused about this story. I'm not sure if I got it, really. There's not enough here for me. The descriptions of what's going on are well written, but I was not able to really connect with what was going on. It felt like the script wasn't finished.
I do feel the isolation of the woman in the room. But I wasn't sure about the television set.
Sorry if I can't be of more help. But it was an interesting story.

Stephenie Ruffin (Level 4)

The story was nicely written, but I couldn't put it all together to get a clear understanding of what was going on. I'm not sure if she's suppose to be dead but then her eyes are moving and why wouldn't someone notice this. I'm guessing she is dead but alive and trapped in her dead body. With a few rereads I'm pretty sure I understand where you are going with this story, it was just a little confusing getting there. Nice idea.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I didn't get it. Reads like a short story rather than a script.

T. Joseph Fraser (Level 3)

She sees herself looking into the TV...then what? Does she freak out? Does she break down and cry as she realizes what's happening? Does she try to make peace with her higher power? Ends too abruptly, need an Act III, a resolution of some sort...

William Coleman (Level 5)

I loved the abstraction of this piece. The visuals would be stunning on film, and there was just enough dialog to humanize the YOUNG WOMAN. This is horrifying and moving, all at once. Nothing is explicit. You make us do your work, to project our own imaginations into this. Great work.

Comments Made After the Contest

Joe Randazzo (Level 1) ~ 11/2/2007 8:47 AM

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I thought what I wrote was clear, but I can see from the majority of feedback here that it wasn't. Looks like I've got a rewrite to work on.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/2/2007 2:11 PM

I often have the same problem. Sometimes in an effort to be subtle, I just end up leaving people confused. I'm looking forward to your rewrite.