Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I love the title, a nice pun, so it tells me this is going to be a comedy.
Except, it isn't a comedy! So the title suggests the wrong genre I think.

The story starts great, a 30s woman holding a 50s woman's head against a band saw. We want to know why, and we want to know how it will end.

Primal story of a mother protecting her daughter against evil monsters.

I love how you keep flashing back, revealing more and more of the story.

A typo on page four: "A titled face": you probably meant "A TILTED face".

I was rooting for Cassie, sympathized with Cassie and Paige, so I am not really happy the way the story ends... They don't deserve to die, I think.

You could let Ramona win, but you don't have to make her the "bad guy/woman". People never think *they* are the bad guys/women. They don't see themselves that way. In their story line they are the hero.

There was a superb build-up of tension, and then the anticlimax as the villain won... It also leaves the story open-ended, as Ramona will of course eventually be found out. This is not the end of it. If you had let Cassie win that would have been the end of it.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The flashbacks are a nice touch, but overall the entire story is a third act. I know nothing about Cassie and only that Ramona lost her daughter.

I suggest taking the flashbacks prior to the point where Paige is kidnapped. Give us a setup.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

I don't know how many times I read this but I just could not fathom it out one little bit. I read it from front to back, back to front and randomly, I just couldn't put it together so it made sense. Either you're too clever or I'm too thick but to put it bluntly, it totally lost me.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Pros:

The tension kept me interested. The reverse time thing is kind of cool.

Cons:

While pretty cool, I failed to see the point of telling the story in reverse order snippets. This has been done before. I'm afraid the only reason you did this was to have that twist at the end, which, if I think about it, isn't a twist. In the end, it kind of felt hokey. Another problem with this is the confusion it causes the first couple of times you do it until I get the hang of what you're doing.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written, formatted and paced pretty well.

The action sequences were well-described. I think the biggest issue here for me Ramona's age and motivation. I feel like she needed to be younger in order for her motivation to work. If she's in her 50s, her kids would probably be mid-20s. Of course, the hit and run could have happened a while ago, but if she had been roughly the same age as Cassie, I think this would have been a little easier to believe. Ramona wanting to kill any teen whose parent drives a nice blue car is crazier than her character is in this script. She doesn't talk like an insane person, just a horribly distraught one.

Also unclear was how Ramona got ahold of them in the first place. Obviously their car is nearby so what? They drove to a serial killer's barn and then got captured? Maybe Paige got abducted and Cassie tracked her there, but again... How?

What we have here is a cool scene, told in non-linear fashion. But the non-linear fashion disguises the scene's shortcomings, which are that the entire situation doesn't really make sense. Maybe a flashback to Ramona grabbing Paige after school just as Cassie arrives to pick her up or something along those lines would help clear things up a little bit. As it is right now, I was very intrigued as I read it, but once I took a few moments to let it digest, I realized that I couldn't really come up with any good explanation as to how they got into the situation in the first place.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

A huge welt graces Cassie’s cheek - graces? That's a very funny use of the word.

I found the shift of sequence with no indication in the script quite confusing. No, I didn't find it quite confusing, I found it VERY confusing.

A titled face? Sir Face? Or did you mean tilted?

I'm not sure about this - I've read it twice now and find it difficult to distinguish between Ramona and Cassie. It seems to be simply a series of fight scenes.

It would be better if they had more distinct personalities.

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

Nice repetition of lines, this could have worked for this month's contest, too. I liked the discovery process of what was going on. The opening action pointed to the title (very nice by the way) instantly, and then its repetition at the end did the same. Romona's narrative on her daughter's death did not seem forced just to get the back-story in. It was a very smooth read.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

This line could be killer, but "make sure they’re not more bad than you" just sounds weird. I would rework it to create one of those million dollar lines.

I think you got your Deja'Vu script into the wrong contest.

The bouncing around confused me. I think you wanted your women dark, that was my strategy. I like the writing the order doesn't work for me, but overall good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love backward scripts. There so hard to do, but so rewarding when they work.

I think the trick to a good backwards script is that each new scene, provides some new information which continues to fill in the story and hopefully, even twist it. I'm not quite sure that is all happening here. We do discover, why Cassie is going to kill Ramona, but there isn't a real twist. Also, Ramona seems a bit too crazy to be truly believed.

Still, I did really enjoy reading this and major props for playing with time. Well done.

Lastly, perfect title.

Colin Moody (Level 1)

It starts very graphically, and keeps that going. Quite an impact full 5 minutes, and the motivation about the car incident from the past coming where it does in the script is good. I can see the violence and movement of people around the room as being almost like a dance, a dance to the death, with shovels and saws striking interesting notes as they whack and whine to accompany the action. I am not keen on body shock normally but this one at least has a real motive for the violence and steers away from the cliche of 'insane person with no motive'. When I look back at films like Texas Chainsaw massacre or Deliverance they have violence coming at the 'visitors' who strayed into the web as it were that they kind of deserve and this story feels like a scene from those films which is good. At least it steers away from the new habit of adding some sick humour and is good solid horror.

Daniel Rode (Level 1)

There truly is some talent in the way you write, it really can paint a picture quite well. And, for some scenes, quite gruesomely. Your descriptions delve adequately into the action and with a certain intensity. One thing I do find inadequate is a lack of background. Obviously, with such a small limit on the amount of pages you can't build a complete painting. Yet you did give enough of a hint that I want to know more, it nags at me how I don't know more about the situation; just the conclusion to it.

I also got a sense that with your writing style you could really do a wonderful dialogue. While I understand you were in the action, there never is really any room for dialogue in an action scene. Yet, in the future, I feel you could really write a dialogue with the same fluidity that you used in the action scenes. Its a total change of genre, I realize, yet combining a background story full of appropriate and deep dialogue could lead to a more satisfying action scene to round the whole story out.

David Otero (Level 2)

You need to make clear to the reader the break in the timeline. I understand that you were telling the story in reverse to dramatize the reversal taking place in the story, but it is very confusing without letting the reader know this reversal is going on. Instead of saying int. Farms day every time I think it would be better to say day the first time and then instead of day you use earlier for each scene heading that follows. You can't count on the reader to eventually figure out that the story is in reverse by the key moments of action that tie the scenes together. The viewer will obviously learn it that way and that is the fun of telling the story that way, but I feal like if a studio was reading this (or anyone looking to produce it) they would get confused at that first cut to the same location and move on to the next script.

David Patterson (Level 3)

nice action. it was hard for me to stay with it...I'm not much of a fan for these kind of films so forgive me. My notes will not be specific. I got lost in the action sequences...couldn't quite see what was happening...the dfialogue seemed to flow...anyway...keep writing...if i had more experience in this genre I'd would give better notes.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Very good job! You handle the backwards plot pretty brilliantly. I was mesmerized from the beginning, and, after the first page I forgot the prompt (One for the Ladies) which is good. I was just reading a script, not a contest entry.

I hate to give any negative feedback because this is very well written, but there are some things that could be tweaked to make this Excellent. Some of the descriptions are a little confusing, such as the saw at the beginning. A little more description would have helped make it clear. Like describing her head as laying on the table of the band saw, or something. Also you might read through the transitions again and see if you can't tighten it up a bit. I think you could come in a little later on a couple of the scenes.

Ramona's dialogue should be tightened. The paragraph where she laments losing her daughter could be cut down quite a bit and still get the tone. Also, there is at least one scene where Paige isn't mentioned, but it's before she goes for the phone. Make sure we know where everyone is if they are in the barn.

The title is perfect. I love the little reveals, such as explaining why the heck Paige has her eyes closed. Nicely done. The ending is very good, but I would drop the last line and end with "The saw's motor comes to life."

Good job!

Ed Jones (Level 4)

The "Reversal of Misfortune" that the title refers to is the point in the script where one adversary reverses the tables on the other. Though I needed a pencil and paper to work this fact out of a very confusing script.
Part of the confusion is that there are six identical sluglines with scene three being a flashback which needs to be more clearly marked.
Another confusion is that from scene three the script mirrors a reversal of the preceding action so that all the shovel swinging, sickle sinking, Paige tied, untied then retied, merges into a headache of action.
You have quite a good title with a strong theme but you need to rewrite this to bring out the story you wish to tell.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This story was formatted perfectly. No spelling errors or punctuation problems. But, I was totally confused while reading the story. The problem is the time-line. All of the slug-lines are the same: INT. BARN - DAY and there was no indication of FLASHBACKS or FLASH-FORWARDS and I think this is what confused me.

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

A woman suffers the horrible death of her daughter and mistakes other women for causing the accident * tell it backwards, sideways * almost followed it through until the end * way to jump into the story with a gruesome image * band saw motor noises don't scare me, it's the whirring of the blade * title prepared me for a drama not a horror * Pieces of Princess leaps to mind * pace and tension were well done * the reverse time flow always takes me extra time to shift gears between scenes * i was scared through out * the sickle was a convenient tool placement * i liked it

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

Very confusing. It took me a while to work out what was going on. Adding "moments earlier" to each new scene would have helped a great deal in understanding this. If you are going to use a storytelling technique like this you need to know why you are doing it. It was obviously a great idea for Memento since it put us in the character's situation of having no short term memory, but I don't know why you have chosen to use it here. Also by showing the ending first there is no drama since we know everything is going to up ok. To use this style narrative we have to get something from the final scene that makes us look at everything that has gone before in a new light. An echo of a line is not enough. So that aside, I will look at the story as if it is in order, like several horror stories this month the females are quite one dimensional, tough but one dimensional. The mother is the protective mother, the daughter the vulnerable daughter the psycho is a psycho. In the end the story comes down to who is strongest in a fight and that is not the best way to show character. Cassie comes in looking for a fight and ends up fighting, so there is no change in her character. Another way to look at this would have her come in looking to fight, but realise that actually the crazy woman needs help and rationalises with her. Or the other way round, try and talk and end up fighting.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Good and clever title and very appropriate to the story. It sets the mood and tone well. Your craft is very good. The story is action packed and it was clever to keep reversing. There were a couple of times when the action description could have been a little unrealistic. As an example, I would think a sickle in the thigh would make Ramona do a little more than just loosen her grip. But, overall it is very good.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

Wow, that was trippy. It took me a while to catch on, but i liked it. I did think the dialogue was a little over the top, but overall I liked the pace and the tension.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I think this is cool, scenes in reverse, I remembered it was the requirement for a contest a couple of years ago. However, I'm left without a proper ending. I assumed Paige called the police? It just felt weird to end the story like that.

So the script is basically a scene from a bigger story. Romana is a psycho who kidnapped Paige and Cassie came to the rescue. I think you can actually write the script illustrating the entire story, like how Romana kidnapped Paige, how Cassie knew where Paige is, and then the final act, the rescue scene.

That way, you don't need that big chunk of expositional dialogue from Romana. It's not natural for her to spill her guts at that instant. They were fighting for their lives!

Having said that, I did enjoy it. It just left me with a mixed feeling about the real ending of the story.

VERY GOOD.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Really sick, but great writing. So smart of you to open it halfway into the struggle. We've only got 5 pages here and want to use them to the fullest on the meaty stuff!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

How did Paige get out of the ropes? "Struggles to free herself" I just assumed she was trying, not actually accomplishing anything. Not a biggie, but something I thought of.

Oh... so it was a flashback. You should have made that clear.

Okay, never mind. I'm liking the style in it all. Every scene is a little further in the past. Nice.

I think you should have ended the third scene with Cassie finding the sickle. Don't show us the thigh thing. It would be more clever and leave us with knowing, with a smile, what the outcome is going to be rather than just repeating it.

This was okay. I liked the play in time. Very creative. Reminds me of the first 10 pagers of an MPr from last year.

I didn't like the dialogue so much. You told us too much, and it started to sound like a comedy.

I was also expecting something crazy to be in the "last" scene. Something we would not expect, but you just kept it as is. That's fine, but I just wish it was taken to another level were I would gasp, or smile. Some sort of really good twist.

I'll give this a VG. Nice work, just wish it was a tad more unexpected.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

After reading the script one of the first things to cross my mind is that the title isn't as suiting as it might be. The word misfortune seems to indicate something out of human control but Cassie's predicament isn't such, she;s been targeted, Also, the title sounds somewhat lighthearted while the script is anything but.

Admittedly the script was hard to follow due to it's back to front structure, however I can see the structure working far better on screen where you can see the characters becoming less battered as we move further back in time. My only question here is, what does presenting the story like this add to it's meaning? I can't put my finger on the reason you'd choose to tell it like this.

The story's a bit too fruitless to justify all the darkness in my opinion, but I can certainly see what you were going for :) Well Done.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

*cough* Memento *cough* (:

Okay, I got the obvious comparison out of the way. My initial read of your script was confusing. Why? It's because I wasn't aware straight away that each subsequent scene came before the previous scene. You really do need to write something like --

INT. BARN - EARLIER

It's difficult enough already portraying a story backwards, you need to make it as smooth for the reader as possible.

So what else do I think? Well, I'm not sure what to make of the ending of your script (or the beginning, so to speak). To be honest, I thought it was an average revenge story just played backwards. Yes, more and more back story was revealed as we went on, but (personally) I think for a "Memento" script to work, there has to be a great reveal. Sort of: "You thought this was going on, but it was actually this all along". One idea would be end with a shot outside the barn, and show Cassie's car with dent marks, from where she may (or may not) have hit a child. Something along those lines.

Having said that, I like how you tied the "Make sure they're not more bad than you" back around.

I didn't like Ramona's "Probably not, but who knows..." line for some reason. I think your screenplay would have more impact if Ramona genuinely believed Cassie did the hit-and-run. I always think that an effective villain always believes in what they're doing, even if it's wrong.

I also thought some of the dialogue was a little clunky. Now, you've actually got a good idea behind the killing, but the way you presented the back story to reader could be tidied up, IMO. For example, Ramona's long monologue towards the end. It would be better to break it up, make it more of a back-and-forth conversation between Ramona and Cassie. Better yet, if you can reveal the back story visually somehow.

(I would suggest a flashback of the hit-and-run, but I think extra time jumps really would confuse the viewer!)

Justin Ryan Colon (Level 4)

This script didn't ring true at all. the idea of a woman avenging her child's death by attempting to hack up a lady and her child seems just utterly inconceivable.

This is like a giant catfight over a very complicated issue which has been simplified to violence done in a non-artistic way.

"Paige unbinds her hands from the rope. She opens her eyes and
sees frozen, pre-teen girl body parts at her feet." Once again this is really ringing as cheesy horror.

"RAMONA
If I go to jail, I’ll send someone
to finish my job on your little
princess, you high-class slut! You
don’t have what it takes to kill!" Ramona seemsn mentally deranged, but her mental illness is not believable. She seems more like a child making rediculous threats.
the opening scene was confusing.

" RAMONA
My little girl was taken from me.
Her bike was a twisted mess.
Wreckage all over the road. Her
body was too - in pieces for the
world to see; and they did see -
driving by slowly, taking pictures
with their phones. Like it was a
special event! I was going to spoil
her like crazy! Now I can’t!" this would have been more effective if we were shown rather than told.

"RAMONA
It was a fancy car that hit her. A
BMW. Like the one you have.
CASSIE
We don’t own a BMW!
RAMONA
It was a blue one.
CASSIE
It’s blue, but it’s not a BMW! You
know it wasn’t us!" this doesn't ring true. there is a life or death battle goign on and they are disputing the color of the vehicle. You went from having two characters acting purely on emotion to two characters all of a sudden trying to be rational.

I am sorry but this rang as cheesy horror.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I think you included the ending at the beginning, am I right? It's a bold thing to do, I think. Also, it's not that clear that it's the ending. I was a little lost in this.
I think you clearly established that Cassie is innocent. To end it on Ramona killing the two would be too grim and depressing - that's why I'm leaning towards "the ending is written at the beginning". If only it was clear and if you've shown in the end how that happened I would absolutely love it. But now I'm rating on my assumption...
Good job.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Lots of brutal imagery in this horror.
Had some trouble sorting out the narrative. Seems Cassie is Paige's mom and Cassie tortures Ramona cause Ramona came after Paige. Ramona is able to turn the tables on Cassie and tie up Paige. Cassie gets her hands on a sickle and sinks it into Ramona's thigh. Paige is able to free herself, while Cassie hacks at Ramona's head. Ramona accuses Cassie of buying her child, then is able to get free again. Cassie finds the sickle, again, and the description repeats her sinking "the sickle blade into Ramona's thigh." Paige, who had run outside with the car keys, has a handkerchief gag in her mouth, repeated twice. The end has Ramona in charge again.
Perhaps this submission was done in a hurry. The back and forth fight scenes have the potential to be riveting.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

This was a very confusing read. I figured out pretty quickly that the scenes are in reverse order, but it's difficult because of the graying of morality. Both women seem equally capable of killing each other, and trying to figure out who's doing what because of why became quickly tiresome. There's almost too much similar fighting going on, and I quickly started losing the forest for the trees.

Top of page 4: "A titled face". I think you meant tilted.

I'm not sure what benefit you got from reversing the scene order. Perhaps it was just to create interest in the piece, because it's a pretty straightforward revenge-against-a-psycho fight. Reversing it makes us pay attention, but does it ultimately increase our understanding of the characters? In fact, one could say just the opposite, since you show Cassie as a bloodthirsty fighter right off the bat, when you could have saved that reveal for the very end.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title.

I'm wondering if you originally wrote this for the SCENE IN REVERSE contest...

I really like this story, but it's hard for me to visualize how it will look on the screen. I'm not marking down for that at all, just a comment. I've been trying to imagine how it would look, though, and having a tough time with it. I'm not a linear thinker, but I prefer a recognizable pattern...

I've been thinking about how to film this, too. Two or three cameras set at different angles and depths of field... Four or five run-throughs... The bulk of the work would be in setting the stage and editing. The set should reek of atmosphere!

I hope someone picks this up for you as a short, and I'd recommend working it into a feature. I'm not quite half way through, and this is by far my favorite to date...

Ooops! You spelled "tilted" wrong the second time around...

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Man. I was expecting some touching, heartfelt stories out of this challenge but right out of the box the first one I was assigned...blood and gore.

I don't have an issue with blood and gore as long as there is a compelling story to go along with it. This is pages of blood and gore and then the plot was told through expositional dialog. So for me, the blood and gore was there but the compelling story was not.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The freezer of body parts was really creepy. I like this idea, it reminds me of that Countess of Hungary who supposedly bathed in young girls' blood

I think you need to make it clearer in the script that you're jumping around in time. Just having the same slug line again and again is counter-productive and makes it more confusing to follow. Put it in the slugline; as we're not changing location it doesn't have a point otherwise.

As it is, I don't feel as if there's any purpose to telling the story in this non-chronological way. You have several reversals through the script, and I think they'd play just as well in order, maybe with some editing so the part where we find out Ramona's motivation still comes near the end.

"would of hurt my eyes"
This should be "would've hurt my eyes". I know it might change the meaning slightly, but in first and final line it feels like "worse" would fit better instead of "more bad"

Good.

Patrick Roe (Level 2)

Some of the dialogue where Ramona is revealing her motives gets a bit expositional, but it works for the scene. Maybe instead the opening scene could show Ramona going through that situation with her daughter in the past, and that would display her motive for the current situation in the barn. I like the reverse storytelling method, and the dialogue overall is very well written.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Hahahahaha i love that you entered something that could be entered next month. Nice dual dialogue but unfortunately the story itself has little to no turns. You see the backwardstelling only works when you keep revealing things. You dont reveal secrets you explain everything. There is a big difference, make it more dynamic make us switch sides more often. As it stands only the dialogue sets it apart.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I had a hard time figuring this one out, and I'm still not sure who's a good or bad guy. I didn't even know at first who's daughter Paige was: Ramona or Cassie's. I apologize if it turns out I'm the only reviewer who experienced this.

Peter Timony (Level 3)

For a second there I thought I was reading a March entry. It fits the criteria! Anyway, I thought it was confusing. It jumps back and forth without warning, changing details without reason. There is one part where Ramona suddenly just tells you why she's a murderer. It was a clear example of telling instead of showing, and the dialogue suffers for it. It a wee bit clunky, and difficult to imagine her saying that stuff in a calm scenario, much less one where she is struggling with her victim. In fact, not to be too harsh, but all of Ramona's dialogue sounded like she should be twirling her evil mustache while she's talking.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

You could use this one as an entry for the Deja vu contest! :)

So you decided to tell this one in reverse. It sort of work. Didn't feel quite as smooth in the transitions as it could though.

I had a big issue with the pre teen girl body parts. Pre-teen kids look pretty much the same...like kids. Your description therefore sounded like you meant showing private parts which totally turned me off.

I didn't reallybuy Cassie being an upper class girl. Nothing in her actions or dialogue suggested such. It was only ramona's rant that even brought that to attention.

All in all, good work! :)

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

I must say this was a little difficult to get through, going back on the action revealing story each time didn't work for me. I had a problem with the line: make sure there not more bad than you. It doesn't flow nicely for me.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Wicked action. I think this would play well on film. I wasn't ready for the jump cuts in timing. Starting with the ending. I guess I expected something in the slug like 'earlier that day.' Still, the action was fast and furious and I liked the turn of events. Cassie's dialogue was a bit on the nose - especially, 'The phone - it's in the car. Call the police." Almost wish there was no dialogue there. Still, this was one of the best scripts I've read thus far and should contend. Very well done.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I see where you're going with this. But I'm not sure if it works for me. I didn't like the continual going back and forth. It was hard to read. I had to really really concentrate as I read, and while that's my hangup, I prefer reading a script that flows well, and is an easy read.

I think this will get a lot of good marks, because it's dark and gory.

I think if there'd been some kind of set up between the characters before you go to the fighting, so I get a sense of what is going on, it would have worked better.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I've read this twice and I'm pleased I did as I really didn't appreciate it during the first read. I like how you've gone the backwards route and I think it works for this. The complete reversal of the situation is good - good becomes the monster, the monster becomes the victim - I liked that concept.

What didn't work for me was your characters and dialogue. Both were very cliche in my opinion.

If you work a bit more on these characters and certainly their dialogue, I think you would have a great script here. As it is, it just misses top marks for me.

Very good.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

The stor is good. The craft could be better.

The thing is that for all issues that involve and revolve around art, there may be as many view points as there are viewers. The point here is that I give you mine, and then you can dump it at your convenience.

I think you could make a tighter writing. For example, why do you write:
“If you’re going to do something bad to somebody - make sure they’re not more bad than you.”
Why not:
“If you’re going to do something bad to somebody - make sure they’re not WORSE than you.”

There are other examples of similar issues to that one, but I don't want to go into detail. In general lines, I would suggest that you really tighten the action lines. I'd say to you not to worry so much about writing parallel images like the tilted head, etc. They are a good tool, but it comes a moment when they feel forced rather than natural.

Last thing, the dialogue. Ramona's expository dialogue in page four is in need of desperate help. I don't want to disrespect your efort nor you abilities, but that dialogue leaves a lot to desired. Not only it exposes her motivation crudely, but it also makes her character feel cartoonish. I think that is far from what you were aiming for. Don't take me wrong: I am not laughing at it -God knows I've written worse dialogue. All I'm saying is that it needs work.

As the script is, I give it a good. I'd like to be able to give it more.

Good luck.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I'm not the biggest fan of these told in reverse stories. They seem a bit overplayed lately and are hard to get into at first. A few times I had to reread passages to check what was happening in the beginning, it just slowed down the read for me. Then the problem is that the end is really the beginning, so how do you have that as the climax? Well you reveal the character's motivations and explain why this is all taking place. Except for that to work, it usually takes the form in a lot of exposition (like you have here) and is often more of an anti-climax.

It's an interesting idea but the woman's motivations just seem a bit random. If there were something a bit more to tie this family to possibly being involved with the girl's death it might be more believable. Also where is this taking place? Is it at Ramona's place? I am assuming so, because of all the body parts that spilled onto the ground. But if that's so, how did Cassie find where her daughter was being held?

Overall it's a good effort and the writing style was pretty solid.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Awesome opening three sentences. You did the backwards scene stuff really well, I was never very confused or lost. I thought the story got a little tedious, though. Just a 5-minute fight scene, basically. Both characters were very blank and empty, essentially the one turned into the other. I understand what you were trying to do thematically, but it felt like one crazy character switched places with the other. Not very fun. Excellent writing, though!

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

A risk to play this one backward. It didn’t work for me, however. I re-read it chronologically and I think the payoff is better linearly.

Other than that not much else to comment on. The story was enjoyable -- not in a "Oh, yeah, people gettin' killed" way, but a "How well told was that" way -- and I really liked it. Good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 7:42 AM

My first shot at a serious horror. Thanks for all comments!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 4/1/2011 9:31 AM

Gave this a VG Wes. Great job :)

Denise Jewell (Level 4) ~ 4/1/2011 9:58 AM

VG from me, too. I thought you did a great job with this, and with a little editting and tigtening, it would be an excellent.

Wes Worthing (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 8:04 PM

Thank you Jean and denise. Your comments will be used for the rewrite