Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

"dries her hands with a painful slowness." What does that look like?

I was wondering where the story was going, but it did hold me in suspense right at the last line, where we get the final surprise and we finally understand why Anna did that, and that it was a good thing she did that.

A wonderful and sad story!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Good title. It's intriguing and the layered meaning is exposed at the end.

"Anna kneels in front of her dead daughter" You've told the reader that Megan is dead. How are you going to tell the viewing audience? How will you visually convey Megan's state? Dead eyes and a cold expression could mean she's just stoned.

You're giving us a lot of insight into Anna's thoughts. For example, "and would like nothing more that to scoop her baby up right now".

That works for a short story, but not a screenplay. Tell us what we see, not what the characters are thinking.

This is a touching horror story. My only suggestion is to build up the ending a bit more.

What if Anna glimpsed the demon on the tv and screamed at it? Don't show the reader the contents of the tv screen. Just show us Anna screaming at a turned off television. We still think she's crazy. When the curtain is pulled, her tirade makes more sense and it gives us more insight.

Bob Johnson (Level 4)

Nicely formatted, didn't spot any typo's, there was one 'we' in an action description: 'we see the truth of the situation', apparently that's a no no. You had a whole page left, I would have liked to have seen why or how the girls became demons, how did the mother know, why did she shoot them, why did she shoot herself, why did she say 'I can't, I can't'? Too many ununswered questions for me.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

Pros:

The writing style is fairly lean and easy to follow.

The image of the mother drowning her child is pretty disturbing and edgy. Many may hate it, but I like that you took this chance.

Cons:

Unfortunately, taking the chance didn't pay off for me. I'm not exactly sure what you are saying in the end by revealing that the 'children' are demons. Were the kids actually demons? Was the mother crazy? I understood the stage directions, I'm just not sure what point you were making.

The opening stuff with all the crying seems a bit melodramatic.

There are grammar, spelling errors, and maybe a missing word or two... you should proofread first.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written, paced and formatted pretty well. Two typos that I noticed, but nothing too major.

The story was okay. Mom killing herself was predictable as soon as we knew the first girl was dead, but the twist of the girls being demons was unforeseen. It's a pretty simple tale, told straightforward and pretty clearly. There wasn't anything wrong with it so to speak, but it didn't really scream originality at me either.

In any event, this was a pretty nice effort. It could use a little bit of polishing and perhaps some help with the tone. As it is, it's mostly a depressing downer of a drama piece when the twist is actually more of a horror theme. This could be hinted at better throughout with more suspense to keep the audience with goosebumps as they watch until that final reveal in the tv refelction.

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

For starters, I really enjoyed your opening; it reeled me in from the get go. Now since the girls were possessed, I would've liked to see the youngest daughter show some small but subtle signs. I thought you could've expanded on this story a littl more.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

her oldest daughter MEGAN - how do we know except you told us?

Her expression cold, her eyes dead.
Anna kneels in front of her dead daughter - it would have been better if you'd said 'the body of her daughter' in the first place.

a single tear rolls down her cheek - I do think this image is over-used and extremely cheesy and very difficult to achieve for an actor!

Through the blood we see the truth of the situation reflected on the screen - please don't use 'we see.' It's sloppy and would be so easy to write in a different way that didn't break the fourth wall.

It's a good story though! (Why the title 'A child outside' when there are two!)

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

The script was very visual, and I was able to picture everything clearly. After the last line of dialog, you have Anna's name spelled Ann. The title is very appropriate. Even though it was a page shorter than the maximum, the whole story unfolded and felt complete at the end. I liked how the girls identities were revealed under the blood in the reflection.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was really dark and I love dark stories.

Your craft is excellent. This read flawlessly and I could picture it all perfectly (love the last shot). It's very powerful.

The reveal is fascinating. I love it. But it does also raise several interesting questions. This is great as is, but I think if you can give us a bit more of the story this could be excellent.

Very well done.

David Patterson (Level 3)

congrats...you got my highest mark! And I'm like Simon...anyway. Great visuals and awesome dialogue. I followed the story the whole way. Creepy as hell...but that's what made it work. My only notes are personal choices: I wouldn't have shown so much of the second girl getting killed and tied up. I'll tell you why. I'm more of a Hitchcock/ Twilight Zone sort of fan. Old School..where what is implied is more powerful than showing. Seeing the little girl tied up was too much for me and especially the splashing of the water. So...again...maybe less there. Also...the gun to the head...a cliche...maybe you could come up with another way off offing herself we don't get to see much of...ex...she drinks Draino, puts something in her veins with a needle...again...these are suggestions. The script was great. Keep writing!

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

First, a nit-pik. We can't see "red from crying." You could have said "her eyes dry, but red and swollen." Then you say Anna's face is dead, then Megan's eyes are dead, but Megan is literally dead. I think it would help if you changed it to Anna's face is blank.

Now, for the review. Wow. The scenes unfolded very nicely - eventhough I had a hint of what was happening, I still was pulled along with the story, and horrified the whole way. When it got to the final scene, and the reflection in the television, it took a complete opposite turn from what I expected.

After finishing it, I am thinking about the whole thing - I see a strong "Rosemary's Baby" thing going where Rosemary was distressed at thinking of killing her baby, although she knew it needed to be done. The whole "It's a demon, but it's my demon" psychology is really wonderful. This is easily the strongest entry I've read. Excellent.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

The harrowing build-up is very well done but the dramatic shift from real-world pathos into the supernatural left me confused. For five pages I was in one world then six words from the end discovered I was in quite another.
I think if you had given clues, such as wierdly scrawled messages on the walls that we might have attributed to a satanically possessed mother only to find it was the children who were possessed, you would have still achieved your shock, but one in more context. For me, this would have provided a much more satisfying finish.
The opening sequences would be more fluid if you tacked 'face dead, emotion has drained her' on to the description of her eyes. Then she can turn and walk 'with measured steps' uninterupted by further description of expression.
There is also a point to be made with the action at the end. Where Anna sits facing the TV, if she 'puts the gun in her mouth' the shot will blow the blood away from the screen.
A couple of points about the title. 'A Child' is singular yet we have two; and 'Outside' of what? Perhaps you might consider 'The Child Inside'?
(I must add that my wife thinks the ending perfect.)

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Make sure you proofread: “Her hair dried and styled, makeup fresh on a her dead face.” Specifically: “… on A her dead face.” I think the A can be deleted. Same comment on this sentence: “Anna makes a few final adjustments to the Susie’s dress.” Specifically: “… to THE Susie’s dress.” (The can be deleted.)

Gary Rademan (Level 5)

creepy atmosphere * a mom killing her kids and they were demons! * logic check: demons don't go down easy * the tone on this was good - sad but determined * the writer had a specific story to tell and accomplished it even though I don't agree with the ending * the writer had an additional page to use to explain the backstory but i rather respect it as is *

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

This is obviously very shocking to read and it is not until the end that we see what is really going on. Of course with no one suggesting otherwise, we have no reason to think that the character doesn't knows what she is doing when she kills her daughters. This also appears to be a choice that she comes to quite easily which suggests that the emotional dilemma happened before the script started. I would have liked to have seen that moment of choice where she realised the horrible things she would have to do. This feels more like an extract than a complete piece. I wanted to know more about this woman, other than being a religious woman and a mother I could not tell you anything else about her.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

I don't understand the "outside" part of the title. Your craft is flawless and you managed to tell your story in four pages while I'm sure most of us struggle to get it down to five. One very minor point is on page three, I think you don't want the "a" in the sentence that ends with "makeup fresh on a her dead face" (unless you're writing with an Italian accent!). The story is dark but interesting and well told.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

That was very tense and disturbing - but well written. Even with the final image, I feel really disturbed after reading this. My judgment of the mother changes at the end. I don't really get the title - the children look like a child on the outside and a demon on the inside?
This reminds me a little of the Orphan.
Anyway, good, vivid writing.

Hector Gutierrez (Level 3)

A really wonderful story, very surprising, I really like how you build suspense and mystery. There are also a lot of powerful images, like the tied girl and the blood splattered on the TV. My only doubt is - if we see the demons reflected on the TV should I assume their true form can only be seen through a mirror or reflection? Would it be a play on the usual "vampires don't reflect on mirrors" so you can only see a demon's true form on a reflection? I'm asking you this because I think the idea of having a reflection on a TV is nice on paper but wouldn't be so good on screen, I think the characters would be hard to see, maybe diminishing the impact of the final revelation. Then again, maybe I'm misunderstanding and you first see the reflection, then the scene reflected. Anyway, it's minor comment and it would be more the director's decision. Congratulations.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Everything is very good...and then the ending confused me.

You illustrated the pain of the murderous mother well. It was very emotional. The details you put in it: the sink, the dress, the crucifix, the bathroom door, everything was well done.

So I expected the mother to commit suicide and I wanted to know why she was doing the killings. That's a hard thing to live up to because the reason must make sense and needs to have punch. The "demon" angle is surprising, but it only makes some kind of sense. If the mother knows the girls are demons already, why would the mother be so sad? And why wouldn't the demons fight back?

If the ending can make more sense, this could be great.

VERY GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

What does the title mean? I can't figure it out.

That last shot is so critical, not sure how well you will be able to see the reflection to know what is going on. Maybe a mirror would work better? What does a demon child look like? I am wondering how I would know they were demon kids. If I were to direct this film right now, I wouldn't know what that last shot looks like.

I feel like something is missing from the story. Why are they demons, what has taken place up to this point, are they really demons or is the mom crazy, why would the mom have to kill herself because her kids are demons? The lack of backstory keeps me from identifying with the mother's plight. I am left just not enjoying watching a mom kill her kids.

The scene where the mom goes to the bathroom door and opens it was well written. Not sure you have to actually show the drowing which I wouldn't want to watch. You could cut from the girl on the floor by the tub filled with water right to them on the couch. This would convey what took place.

I've read a few scripts in the monthly contests which include people keeping corpses inside their house, usually corpses of kids. I usually get the same feeling of not identifying or feeling anything for the character except that I wouldn't really want to be watching a film with dead kids. Too depressing.

The way you wrote the intro to the older daughter made me confused at first, you write her staring as if she is just emotionless but then you call her dead. Maybe you could write that first line to tell she is dead right off the bat. You aren't keeping it a secret so it could be made less confusing.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

While the story is good, the descriptions could use a bit of improvement.

I do believe I know what your intention was with the final line referring to the children as demons, but I think you need to tell us in detail what their reflections look like exactly and then allow us to deduce from that description that they are demons. Show, don't tell.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I am confused because you describe Anna being dead with emotion, then explain how the daughter is as well. But then you really mean that the daughter is dead. Don't use the word "dead" in Anna's description if you're going to be describing a corpse a few sentences later because that really will confuse the reader.

We wouldn't know that the child is the oldest until we see the other one.

Okay, so the lady thought her kids were demons and that's why she killed them. Kind of like Case 39. But I did not understand why the television told us they were demons. Does their reflection have anything to do with it or is that just the way you wanted to reveal it?

Your writing was solid, I just wish there was more leading to the finale.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

You've got a great title here, it has such strong undertones.

Hmmm, I like an ambiguous ending but this one doesn't leave me with much to think about, either the kids really were demons or the mother is delusional. Neither interpretation really explores any theme or idea with much depth. Either way this is a pretty dismal story, too miserable to be worth sitting through in my opinion, at the moment I think you need to give the fundemental story something to give the audience a reason to sit through the pain.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Powerful stuff indeed! I particularly liked the ending, with the true reflection of the little girls.

My major complaint is your story felt like it was part of a bigger story. There was little background story as to why Anna was driven to desperate measures ( e.g. how did she figure out her girls were demons? )

I think for your story to work as it is, you need to create more conflict in the first four pages. For example, Anna could constantly accuse her daughters as being demons, whilst the little girls constantly plead there innocence. (e.g. Anna accuses her daughters of butchering the family dog) That way, when the twist ending occurs, it'd have a deeper impact. (Audience: "Oh my God! They were demons after all!" etc.).

Another suggestion -- perhaps you could drop subtle hints throughout the screenplay to the Mother being right, but the audience doesn't realize the significance until the end.

Confused? I'll give you a random example off the top of my head: On page 2 or 3, show that there's a little hole in the girl's dresses, on their backs, at the base of their spines. At the time, the audience will be curious but not confused.

Then, when you reveal the little girls are demons, you could show two demonic devil-like tails, poking through the holes (Audience: "Ah. The holes make sense!"). Don't forget, your screenplay goes from psychopathic to supernatural which I found a little awkward. A trick like the "tail thing" makes the tonal shift seem a little more acceptable.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This gave me creeps.

That's a good idea I think. Her girls are demons and she has to kill them. Although I'd like it even better if you shown what they've done. Otherwise it's a bit out of blue I think. Also it would allow us really feel for her when she kills them.
Nice premise though. A little more backstory would be helpful - how she knew, what they did...

Kirk White (Level 5)

now you know that this is my kinda flick! I think this has the potential to be a very powerful short film...please make it! I'm giving an excellent because it's damn near flawless...

KP Mackie (Level 5)

A difficult story to read. The matter-of-fact way that Anna fiddles with her dead eight-year-old daughter is unnerving. Then Anna heads down the hallway to the bathroom where she promptly drowns her six-year-old. Yikes.
Might trim a bit here and there. After she finishes fussing with Megan, Anna could simply state, "We'll be together again soon." The hint would leave a reader/viewer guessing what she means. Might omit Anna's announcement that she's off to get Megan's sister, which would provide tension not knowing what's on the other side of that bathroom door. Maybe amend Anna's declaration as she drowns Susie to, "I love you."
Think the interesting title refers to Megan and Susie's outward appearance as children, when they're actually demons.
Pretty squirm-worthy. Bet this horror would make a bundle at the box office.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

If the truth of the situation were that the girls were possessed by demons, then surely the girls would have been able to fight harder, or at least supernaturally, before they were murdered. It's commonly accepted that possessed persons have extraordinary strength. But the drowning scene is just so easy for Anna to do.

I think that this story lacks persuasiveness, because we haven't seen Anna's interactions with her demonic daughters, nor her attempted remedies. Did she try exorcism? Did she consult specialists? Were the girls torturing her? Etc. Since all we see is the very end of the story, it's extremely hard to sympathize with Anna, much less understand why she's doing what she's doing.

Detail: Blood wouldn't spatter the TV, since the TV is in front of Anna and she shot herself with a backward trajectory. The blood would spatter on the window behind Anna.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love the title. Love it! It gave me goosebumps when I came back to it after reading the script.

The formatting is good. The spelling is good. There's one punctuation error - "the girl’s Sunday best" should be "the girls' Sunday best."

I love the way you lead us to believe that this woman is a monster and then change everything with the end. Really nice twist. I now have two favorites for this contest.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Didn't really understand this. So they weren't her daughters at all? Just demons who got her to commit suicide?

Your writing is pretty good although a few times you told us what someone was thinking. How can we see this on screen: "She fights back tears and would like nothing more that to scoop her baby up right now." How are we supposed to know that by just an expression on her face? And if you were somehow able to convey that, I don't think you fully explained why she couldn't pick up her daughter or why she would do that to her in the first place.

I think this story needs more clarity.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This was really intriguing. While we were sympathetic to Anna we also saw the horror of her killing her own children. I like how you kept us in suspense about her motives.

There are several instances of over-description. With something like "Anna moves toward the front room with measured steps. Her face dead, emotion has drained her", it would be more effective to leave off the last phrase. This causes some (temporary) confusion when you say that Megan's eyes are dead and then say that she is literally dead.

"angel’s" should be "angels".

I'm not sure if I understand completely the roll that the demons play. Looking back on it, I think they were possessed by the demons. I still don't know why they would be reflected in the TV screen or what statement you're making by having the demons be objectively real (that is, we are shown them after Anna is dead, so it cannot be in her mind). Is it meant to justify her actions and her religious fanaticism?

Good.

Moises Sosa (Level 1)

This was just utterly fascinating. The content was great. You kept the suspense going. You kept my interest high. The only bad thing is your cuts. Most of the time that you cut between shots, the don't really flow together. So just work on the continuity a bit and you should do stellar for your future scripts.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

An interesting short, but too dark for comfort.

I like the style of writing, flows nicely, but it's all a bit too dramatic. Would be very dark on the screen, mother brutally killing the children. You justify all the horror by letting them be monsters at the end, which basically makes the mother 'good'.

Personally, I think it's all just shock-value with little depth. There's plenty more drama in both the aftermath and finding out they are posessed. If the reflection was to reveal their true selves, I don't know why she would dress them up this way. Seriously mentally ill in both cases.

All dark, absense of any light material...bit of a hard script to swallow. I think you would fare better if you made a different arc. Now it's dark from the beginning, but maybe open up light and going into the dark then.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

The television's reflection revealed the truth about Anna's daughters, right? That they were actually demons? I can dig that. It would make for a cool visual on screen.

After a suspenseful beginning, the resolution felt a little rushed. I think a different ending other than having Anna commit suicide might work. Her daughters, after all, were friggin' demons.

Unless I really missed something, I'm not quite sure how the title fits.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Peter Timony (Level 3)

Very good, gruesome little screenplay. Nice little twist at the end. I think the camera should linger on the dead demons a little longer until Satan walks in with red skin, big horns and his pitchfork and says, "HONEY! I'm HOME! Wait, what the..."

That's a lie. I don't think that at all. Sorry. I give you an Excellent rating.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I'll vote good on this one even though I thought it was rather unpleasant with the dead kids and the drowning of one. Probably hard to get someone to produce it.

I guess Anna was supposed to be one of those religeous nut-cases out there that somehow become convinced they have to kill their own kids.

I didn't really get the ending though. Did I miss something? Was there a picture of Anna and two demons on the TV? If so, how can that be? Was she convinced to do what she did after watching TV?

The script was rather short. I think it could benefit from a little bit more characterization and back story.

Good job though!! :)

Priyanka Mukherjee (Level 1)

commendably written scenes. visually appealing in a morbid way. personally didnt get the context of the little girls being demons in the end; maybe it was that they had done something horrific even though they were kids and hence to the outisede world they were innocent cherubs. wish the author had detailed it a little more especially since she could have written two more pages. all in all, interesting and gave me a few ideas about how to go about visualising a similar contextual scene.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Chilling. Curious title. I didn't know what to expect in terms of tone. The opening is very ominous and immediately pulls me in. I'm curious why Anna puts on a smile? I loved Anna's monologue as she approached the bathroom door. This would play well on screen. Susie's death was tough to take. Again, it's powerful imagery. The words on paper don't come close to the emotional impact this scene would have on an audience. Nice work here. For me, the biggest missing ingredient is Anna's pain. I wanted to know something about what was causing her to feel this way. Depression? A tragedy? Some insight to motivation would have helped me with the empathy because she appears to have truly loved her girls and it must have taken something remarkable to send her into this state. I admire the sparse writing style and powerful images in your story.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Not sure about the title.

Very very dark! I didn't understand the ending. I really don't like stories where there's senseless violence against children. The drowning scene would be too hard for me to watch.

It just seemed so awful. Both kids dead, the killer mom kills herself and then there's the two demons? I didn't understand the point.

Sorry not to be really positive on this. I just had a hard time with the killing of children.

Tim Ratcliffe (Level 4)

I don't really get this one. Were the girls really demons the whole time or are you trying to say they turned into demons? Sorry but this just left me confused. Why did she kill her daughters? This just doesn't make any sense to me.

Writing was okay, you've got a few typos and punctuation mistakes though. Fade In should be on the left. Decent effort but I don't really get the story.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Morbid stuff, although maybe the dialogue was a bit cheesy at times. Why would the demons only show up in the TV screen? That's such a cliche to me with no real meaning or explanation. Cool twist though.

Tyler Andersen (Level 1)

Kind of dark and totally not my style, but I like it!

Nice imagery in the beginning and you did a great job building suspense.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Creepy. Very creepy. Completely unexpected ending. (I like that). I could see arguements arise from watching a film version of this. So many interpretations come to mind. I hope you give your interpretation as well. This is one story that I want to shake from my brain, but so far can't!! I'm not a huge horror fan, but this one ranks high for me.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

I didn’t get that Megan was the corpse at first -- that is, I thought there was Megan and a corpse.

I suggest not saying, “She whispers a prayer to herself,” and then having Anna say the prayer. Have her stop and in her dialogue put (whispered).

How does the blood splatter on the TV if Anna is facing it?

Interesting story -– kept me interested and wondering what was going on. The twist comes out of nowhere, though, and felt kind of force. It works, yes, and explains... a little, but I think you could put more clues in there -- be subtle, of course, but see what you can do. Setting up the crucifixes was a worthy effort, but not enough for my taste.

Spot-on title. It works very well after reading the script.

There was a lot of tell in this script and I really don’t like that in a screenplay. We can presume that Megan and Susie are Anna’s daughters, so I don't think there's much need to tell us that.

Thinking about it, if the daughters weren't demons at all this script would be more powerful. Deranged and twisted, true, but definitely a more complex story -- and character for Anna.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 1:00 AM

Thanks everyone, except for that crazy person who gave it a poor. I guess there's always one at every party.

I'm beginning to accept some extra prose if it can help the actor understand what they are feeling, so they can better portray these feelings, but only a little bit.

I kinda wanted to leave the ending up to the audience to interpret, maybe I left too much. But really I just wanted people to be disturbed, I think Kyle was the only one that caught that, but I like him so it's ok. :)

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 1:10 AM

A VG from me. For some reason, Mr Keaton, your horrors really affect me...and I don't like horrors. Really had this mother of three squirming, and that's what counts.

Brian Howell (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 1:12 AM

The demon thing in the end threw me off a little, and the opening with the crying felt a little melodramatic... but I LOVED that you went into this wanting to disturb people. I was uncomfortable reading the drowning scene, and I liked that. Kudos for going there.

Denise Jewell (Level 4) ~ 4/1/2011 9:49 AM

This is so well written, I'm really surprized it didn't place higher. As I read this, I am visualizing watching it as a movie AND I'm not noticing what page I'm on. In my book, that means a great screenplay.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 10:09 AM

Thanks you guys for your kind comments.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4) ~ 4/1/2011 10:22 AM

Had I read this month, I would have been a fan of this one. The last-second reveal actually got a chuckle out of me as opposed to anything really disturbing -- probably what you intended from fans of the dark stuff.

If anything, that very first scene needs more. Anna should be doing something more germane to the story instead of just standing at the sink running the water. It is not very visual or interesting and why would she even be doing that anyway?

Open this piece stronger -- but otherwise quite good.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 10:29 AM

Nice job Chris! This was a pretty cool script.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4) ~ 4/1/2011 11:22 AM

I never want to watch a movie like this, but I gave you VG because it's well written - whoever gave you poor was probably just so disturbed by the images of a mother drowning her children - not because it's poorly written.
:)

Bill Clar (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 2:39 PM

I hope to see this as short film one day. Horror fans will eat it up.

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 5:04 PM

Hey Keaton, this was one of my favorites of the month. I was certain it would at least garner an Honorable Mention, but what the hell do I know?

Great job.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 4/1/2011 5:53 PM

Even horror-hating me wouldn't give a poor based on genre. Sorry you got one. You had to be getting close to an HM, Chris.