Comments Made During the Contest

Aaron Williams (Level 4)

Title: At first glance I really disliked the title... then the more I look at it the more I do like it-- but I am not sure it matches the logline. It feels more like a comedy title.

Logline: I really dig the idea of a time travelling cop-- sounds like a very promising idea-- but I am afraid this logline sort of makes it pedestrian. Even in a cool, new setting like this, the idea of a workaholic cop making amends with his wife and goth daughter seems really formulaic. I think the idea is great, but I would tweak the heart of the story to get something a little more original.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I find the title very interesting. Could be all the Doctor Who I've been watching recently...

The logline and story, while interesting, feel a bit cluttered to me. I might take another pass to streamline it a bit. Do we need to know exactly how time machines become ubiquitous or just that they are? I'm not sure that you want to use the word idiots in the logline itself; that kind of takes away from the title for me. I'm also not sure that the sentence is critical. He's a hotshot, so we already know that he's good at his job, right? I'd rather hear some hint about the crime for which he's investigating an influential man.

I dunno', the being set up and stranded thing feels a little overdone as well. Would one of those suffice to make the story dramatic and more focused?

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

What's the stakes here. I can see how good this script can be, but the goal you set for him is not that interesting.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I like the journey you've set out for your main character, assuming he'd learn his lesson and become a better family man.

I suggest that cops save the world from idiots nearly every day now. Give us some more information about how your guy specifically uses this technology. It would also help us to know what he's investigating, why the man is influential, and why your guy is framed. At the moment, I have my interest piqued, but have too many unanswered questions to know whether or not I'd really want to see this movie.

Watch out for this incomplete sentence: "Until he investigates an influential man, is framed and left stranded knee-deep in fresh dinosaur shit." You could use an em dash after "every day" and keep it exactly as is, or reword it some other way so that it's a complete thought.

Good luck!

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The first sentence isn't grammatically correct. It should probably read ", he starts saving the world from idiots on a daily basis." This is important because I had to now pause to figure out what you were trying to say. And it makes me hesitate to want to read your 120-page epic if your first sentences are already wrong.

I think you are giving too much information, and as a result I ended up confused about what the story was about.

First, there is the event when plans of a cheap time machine leak. Ah, the inciting event, I'm thinking.

Nope, you say.

Actually, the inciting event is when the protagonist investigates an influential man. So you could have gotten rid of the whole first sentence. It would have made it easier for me to understand: "A time cop investigates an influential man and finds himself ..."

The genre was not very clear. The log line keeps jumping.

First, you say time machines, I'm thinking science fiction.

Nope, you say. It is about a lousy family man.

Ah! A drama!

Nope, you say. He starts saving the world.

Ah! A superhero story!

Nope, you say. He runs into this influential man.

Ah! A dude with a problem story!

Nope, you say. He lands knee-deep in fresh dinosaur shit.

Ah! A comedy!

Nope, you say. He needs to be saved by his family, so he needs to learn the value of family.

Ah! A Family drama about love!

Phew!

Your logline does not communicate one idea clearly. It seems to have been formed by combining many ideas into one, so it is hard to figure out from this logline what story you have in mind, at least for me.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: It's very blunt. Your story is zany and your title should reflect that.

Story: It's an intriguing story. I'm a sucker for the estranged father trying to win back his family.

How will the wife and daughter help? If he's a lousy family man, these two aren't going to be the first on the list to come to his aid.

Craft: I'm unsure of the grammar rule but the first sentences if off. Reverse it so that it reads as "cop must save world when plans are leaked".

The second sentence is a fragment. Consolidate it with either the first or last sentence.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I love the title!

The concept sounds fresh and interesting. The logline kind of feels mushed together, and not well thought out. For example: "(and lousy family man)". That felt tacked-on after the fact because he has to rely on his estranged wife, almost like I wouldn't know what that was implying. I don't think the fact that he's investigating an influential man has relevance in the logline. I think it would be enough to say that he is stuck knee deep in dinosaur shit.

I think this could be tightened and simplified. As of now it's good.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I like the title. It's kinda catchy.

The genre seems to be along the lines of sci-fi comedy.

I don't like that you started a sentence with 'until'. Aside from that, no spelling, punctuation or grammar errors that I noticed.

The protagonist is clearly identified, as are his goal, the antagonist, and his allies. We can make assumptions the to obstacles he'll face in prehistoric times.

This logline does a pretty nice job of summarizing the entire script and not just giving me a premise. 1st act = being a timecop. 2nd act = cast back to prehistoric times. 3rd act = getting home and punishing the bad guy.

Based on what's written here, I definitely get the impression that you have a firm enough grip on the story you want to tell, and that the story itself has enough depth, to fill the pages of a feature length script.

Caroline Bucholz (Level 2)

I'm just not sure if this is going to work, I like it up to the point of dinosaurs shit, cause at the point my only thought was how is he going to communicate with the people in the future, and I really couldn't see how. Love the concept, just not sure of how it's going to work out.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The first sentence and the last sentence are terrific, although there should be a comma after Internet to allow the first sentence to make proper sense.

The middle sentence ISN'T a sentence.

Until he investigates an influential man, is framed and left stranded knee-deep in fresh dinosaur shit.

It should be joined, by comma or a dash - to the first sentence.

I love the originality of your thinking.

Cecilia Potenza (Level 3)

This is an original time travel film! It would be a great comedy (I hope that was what you were going for). I am looking forward to reading your script and seeing the humorous situations the "idiots" get themselves into. I hope you do well in the contest!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

High concept from the title, low concept from the logline. High concept loglines should have fast and short loglines maybe 15 words top.

Yeah, three sentences and bloated with details. This has a chance to be great, but right now it's way to big.

"A time cop is framed for a crime he didn't commit and stuck knee deep in dinosaur shit with his only hope being is a daughter who he barely knows. I'm giving you a good, because I like the title and concept.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

There is something very fun and intriguing about this title.

I also feel the same way about your story. It sounds very original and I'm truly curious to know more and even read on. But the actual logline is a bit long and unwieldy. It needs to be tightened a bit and given a clearer flow.

I think with a small rewrite this could be really great.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

The title just works, like bread and butter.

I'm having trouble with your logical progression.
--When plans...are leaked...a hotshot timecop...saves the world from idiots...(how exactly does he do that?)
--Until he investigates...[and] is framed and...stranded in dino-dodo. (I think that's how you mean it.)

It takes to long for your point to fall into place.
--explain how the cheap time machines are a threat and where the idiots fit in before you move onto the time cop; one sentence, one topic; clarity above all else.
--avoid making key character traits an afterthought (it gives the impression you're scatter-brained and unable to focus)

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

"Is framed..." for what? Other than that this is well done. A little overly packed with detail, for instance, imho, you could start your logline with "A hotshot time cop..." and simply delete your opening clause. I had to read this a couple of times to really get it, but it was worth the effort: the style and tone of the piece became much clearer at that point and I could really start to see this story's possibilities. Nicely done.

David Birch (Level 5)

i really liked the "out-of-the-box" imagination to your story...strong title helps tell your story. i think you could drop "on the internet"...how it's leaked doesn't really matter and it just ads more syllables to a lengthy logline...should be very competitive in the voting...good luck...

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title: Love it. I know it’s sci-fi. I know it’s comedy. I’m there.

Logline: Very good content, but the grammar missed a little. I think you have a misplaced comma and you don't need the parentheses. (Some people say parentheses are a form of lazy writing because the writer couldn’t figure out how to get the info into the piece properly. Oops! Look at me!) As for content, the only thing missing is who the opponent is.

Story: This gives me plenty of info as to what kind of movie this is. I love comedy, I like sci-fi, and I love time-travel sci-fi. (One of my favorite movies is Galaxy Quest. Oops! There’r those parenthesis again. ) I would definitely read/watch this. Best entry I’ve read so far!

Ed Jones (Level 4)

I was excited by the title. Original and intriguing. I raced along the logline, excitement mounting, then tripped headlong over 'hotshot time cop'. When I recovered, I realized that lack of punctuation was part of the problem: a comma after 'Internet' would have prepared me nicely, and possibly 'time-cop' or 'timecop' would have helped with meaning.Brackets are not a good idea in a logline, I think. The ending of an unsuccessful first sentence then becomes confused in relation to the conjunction, 'When'.
The second sentence is better, but to end it in a vulgarity is, I think, misjudged. It may be used to good effect elsewhere in the script but in a logline its use seems desperate.
The last sentence is good; 'his only hope' works as a hook.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The first part of the logline (“When plans for cheap time machines are leaked on the Internet a hotshot time cop”) really intrigued me. But I was lost by too much information after that. Try to really hone in on the story and build off the first part of that logline.

Gary Harvey (Level 2)

The title leaves me wanting for sure, but it does kind of sum up the movie. The logline is grammatically odd.

When you take away the parenthetical and separate the three thoughts, here’s what you’re left with:

“When plans for cheap time machines are leaked on the Internet a hotshot time cop saves the world from idiots nearly every day.”

1st line - Not sure what you’re trying to say. Split this so that the thoughts are clear here or combine them into a single thought.

“Until he investigates an influential man, is framed and left stranded knee-deep in fresh dinosaur shit.”

2nd line. Who is framed? An Influential man or the time cop? And who is left knee deep in dinosaur shit?

“His only hope for help is from his estranged wife and the anarchist daughter he barely knows.”

3rd line. Whose hope? The influential man or the time cop? That will answer the wife and anarchist daughter question.

Anyway, that was the only way I could figure out how to comment constructively.

Gavin Bale (Level 3)

I don't know. Interesting story, but there's too much and too little at the same time. "Idiots" seems completely out of context. So does "dinosaur shit." They make it sound like a farcical short skit, rather than a full script. There are hints at a well-developed story, though. I almost want to see this turned into a serious drama/action/sci-fi. But regardless, I think it needs a rehaul. The last sentence is well written, though.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title makes it sound like it would be a fun movie. But the logline is all over the place. In the first sentence, are we to think the cop saves the world every day but only when the plans are leaked on the internet? I can't even makes sense out of the second sentence.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

Nice title, good idea of the tone from your logline and a pretty good sense of the plot, enough to want to see more. Really original, although I visualize Will Ferrel in the role.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Missing a comma after "the Internet". Don't need the comma after "family man". "Everyday" is one word. Okay, I'll stop listing spelling and grammar mistakes. There are more of them in the next two sentences.

This is a very cool concept, I really wanted to like it, but I can't because the plot is just so muddled (and of course, the typos don't help either).

Cheap time machine. Nice. Hotshot time cop. I liked that. But saves the world from idiots?? What's that supposed to mean?

Investigate an influential man. What influential man are you talking about? Why does the cop need to do that? But him in fresh dinosaur shit is funny. Hopefully this is a metaphor and not like he went back to pre-historical time. Or is it? I'm quite confused here.

Your last sentence introduced two new characters and it's way too late. Showing these characters are like afterthoughts.

Again, the concept is great, but the story, not so much.

FAIR.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I think you have a grammatical error in the second sentence - comma in the wrong place. Also are you sure you want a curse word in your logline? Who would print that? It would really limit your possibilities. Movies are rated but not loglines.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

First impression: can't get my finger on it.

Hm, the logline is written pretty well, but the story is kind of confusing. How are "idiots" destroying the WORLD? I don't get that part. Is the world in danger everyday or do you just mean he's stopping crimes that have already happened whether they are big or small?

How does his daughter and wife help him? That's what I would have wanted to know. That is what would have grabbed me.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

I give this logline top points for creativity and originality, but lower marks for structure. It seems like this was a first pass at the logline and it needed to be edited down. I think with some edits and some changing of words this could be a very good and interesting logline.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

While this logline is a grammatical disaster zone, there are original and electrifying ideas flying everywhere, so well done in that respect.

However, a logline is not going to lead to anything if it's as messy as this.

"When plans for cheap time machines are leaked on the Internet a hotshot time cop (and lousy family man), saves the world from idiots nearly every day", read through this pausing where the commas are and see if it makes sense. I think it should be "When plans for cheap time machines are leaked on the Internet, a hotshot time cop (and lousy family man) saves the world from idiots nearly every day."

Also, the second sentence doesn't make sense beginning with "Until", try replacing it with "When". Furthermore I'd leave conjoin the last two sentences with another comma, it'd flow better.

Jessica Burde (Level 3)

WAY to much going on here. What is the focus of this movie? Thre idiots in cheap time machines? The time cop getting framed? His relationship with his family? Pick one - the conflict is about the framing, though the title sounds like it's about the idiots - and trim off everything else that isn't absolutely necessary - we'll learn the rest in the script.

Title is interesting and makes me curious, though it doesn't seem to connect with the main conflict, and has a comedic feel, while your logline seems to be trying to say action/thriller.

The main conflict of this influential man framing him is giving me flashbacks to 'Timecop'. It's been long enough since that came out that a fresh time travel policeman story could work, but make sure it comes across as original and fresh.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

This sounds fresh and funny. I'm getting comedy from the tone. If I'm wrong, you might want to fix that. The logline is a little long, but otherwise I quite enjoyed it. Good luck, I hope I get to read more.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

The idea and the premise are very good. But the logline is not very well written I think.
I'm going with Excellent anyway. I don't care. "an influential man who is framed..." perhaps, but others will tell you better.

I'm just so upset that this one might not make it because of the way it's written. And if it's written well then I'm an idiot who doesn't know much about English:))
Excellent.
Please go through...

Kirk White (Level 5)

solid potential and I'd totally see this movie...but the logline is clunky and awkward.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a science fiction comedy. The "time cop" protagonist seems up to his neck in conflict. Confronted by idiots everywhere and struggling with a less than ideal personal life.
Not sure what a "time cop" is or what he does; obviously linked to a time machine he's invented. May not need to give away so much of the story in the logline.
Terrific title.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Delete that comma after the parenthesis. You need a comma after "framed". Punctuation should be perfect in a logline.

I don't recommend the use of expletives in loglines. What's the point of saying "shit"? It's not funny unless you're a teenage boy, and it's not realistic unless you're a farmer. It only serves to make it seem as though you can't communicate without resorting to swears. If you want to be funny, use "poo". No reader wants to struggle through a script full of curse words.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm not crazy about the title. It's a little too close to "Hot Tub Time Machine" for me. I'm not rating on titles, though. This is just an opinion. See what others say...

I think this could be tightened up and made more clear with a rewrite...

Cut out the "lousy family man" descriptive. That will be made clear when you bring in the estranged wife and anarchist daughter.

What is he framed for? It's really important to know because it's going to be a big element in the story.

I know you probably like the "knee deep in fresh dinosaur shit..." part, but is it necessary? It gives a comedic edge to this, which is bolstered by the use of "idiots," but how much does the story rely on this? If you want to keep it, it might work better if you started here...

"After being framed for _______ and left standing knee-deep in fresh dinosaur shit, an over worked time cop must rely on his estranged wife and anarchist daughter to..."

Or something...

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I don't think you took this challenge seriously. You obviously can't use the word shit in a logline. Your sentences are a bit of a mess too. Take pride in your work next time.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Time police will never get old. Loads of cool set-pieces can come from this premise.

However, parts of the logline are unclear. When he's "left stranded knee-deep in fresh dinosaur shit" what does that mean? I assumed that he was left in prehistoric times without a time machine, but then his wife and daughter wouldn't be there.

Why is his only hope for help from his wife and daughter? What do they have that no-one else does?

If almost everyone has access to a time machine then how do you prevent paradoxes? What if the cop went back in time and prevented the time machine plans from being leaked? You'll need to deal with these issues early on in the script.

Good.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I like time travel adventures, the more convoluted the better. This sounds like a great way to introduce lots of "time travel paradox" in funny ways. I like the title too. I think the "estranged wife" feels too typical for an off the wall story. I think the wife could be the anarchist. Maybe the daughter just spends 24-7 in a virtual reality helmet and has to come out to help.
Sorry to run on, it's the kind of story that gets you thinking of things from left field.
Anyway, Very Good

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: intriguing and definitely says 'comedy'.

Logline: I think this is pretty strong, it has me curious enough to want to read the first ten pages. Although obviously a comedy the phrase about dinosaur shit makes me wonder where this is set - he travels to prehistoric time and is stranded there - so it becomes an action adventure with dinosaurs?

There's a lot of info here to wade through and it might be beneficial to try and simplify it. I take it his goal is to get back to his own time before a dinosaur gets him. And how important is the investigation and being framed to the story? Sounds like it could be fun.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I think the title's okay for the story you're trying to tell.

However, I would work on the wording of your logline. Am I wrong in thinking that the "hotshot time cop" is one of the people using the plans to make his own time machine to save the world? Or does he already have access to his own machine, only now he must save the world from other people that could now make a time machine? I'm assuming the latter, because you refer to him as a "hotshot time cop". And if that's the case, why would he need to use the plans that were leaked on the internet?

Also, I don't think your second sentence is actually a sentence. It feels like it should be added on to the first sentence to read better.

I'd like to see how the relationship between the cop and his family turns out as they come together.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

I think that you have good story. There is a lot going on in those few sentences, perhaps too much.

The second sentence is worded strangely and makes it hard to understand. However, this could be tightened up a little. For instance, you could lose the third sentence completely--we already know he has a bad relationship with his family (you told us); the rest of it is just filler. "His only hope" is kind of cliché.

Your logline leaves me wanting answers to questions, but not necessarily in the right way. Is his daughter really the antichrist, or is she just a pain-in-the-ass? If she's really the child of the Devil, then this is a whole different story. Also, if he is stranded back in the past, how does he signal his wife and daughter for help...and if he was such a bad person, why would they help him anyway? Last one: who strands him? The influential guy?

Taking out some of these minor details should cement this. Just remember that "vague" and "enticing" are two different words, but both lead to questions.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Sounds okay up to the 'estranged wife' and 'anarchist daughter' how much more cliche can you get.

I like timetravel, but this sounds like a very mixed bag. Concentrate your stakes on the timetravel thing, I don't see the connection to his family here.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: Fine for a comedy, and obviously fit for a story.

This seems fun and makes fun of previous time-travel stories, but this logline doesn't flow very well.

You need to refine your comma usage. You have them in places where they're not need and needed in places where they aren't. Research their proper usage.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

The setup is ingenious. Damn Wikileaks, now we've got all kinds of people coming back and messing up the past. Douglas Adams would be proud.

Unfortunately, the logline itself gets a little convoluted, and never quite rises to the brilliance of the initial concept. First of all, it's too bad that we jump right from "cheap time machines" to "time cops" - it's really the period of lawlessness - the TimeNapster Age, if you will - that fires the imagination. Once they're actually regulating it, then were approaching the well-trodden territory of "Timecop" and others.

Also, you've thrown away the whole premise by introducing the supervillain. It's not the hero versus evil, it's the hero versus IDIOTS. That's the promise of the title. On top of that, you spell out in great detail where he starts off, but the rest is left to the imagination - and it sounds like it's not much more than a revenge piece. I mean, other than leaving the cop stranded in the Jurassic, this guy's not screwing up the world (in the logline, at least) worse than Johnny Knoxville and buds.

You have an awesome idea - follow the logic of it, and you'll have a much better story than getting bogged down in ideas that have already been rehashed many, many times.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title works okay, although I wonder if you could make it something more punchy.

The premise has potential as an off the wall comedy. This sort of thing has been played with many times before, so it'll be challenging to do a fresh take on it.

The logline technique is okay. For a high concept comedy idea I think I'd suggest pushing the logline to be tighter and seeing if you can get it funnier.

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

Although this has a strong sense of tone, I must admit I lost interest halfway through your three sentences. I can't really say way that was...Maybe it doesn't seem serious enough.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Quirky and different. Nice originality but the presentation here makes this a logline in need of restructuring. Using 'time' machine and 'time cop' at the outset is a little confusing. I don't think a parenthesis belongs in a logline at all. The second sentence is too broad and strikes a sour note with 'shit.' I'm no prude but I don't think it helps your pitch at all. There's elements of the story that are compelling but they're buried under a less than attractive pitch and that makes me think the writer of the whole screenplay would deliver the same.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

1) Error free? Yes, and I only comment on the obscenity in passing. I do not mind, but you are always taking a risk when you do something like that.

2) Do I know what to expect? Having chastised you for the obscenity, I concede that it does give a hint as to the tone one might expect from the author. The story is laid out very well, and we can predict the healing of damaged relationships, which is always a good selling point.

3) Clear character(s)/compelling goal? We can visualize the time-cop just fine, and his goal to get home is obvious. You have a good scenario that suggests lots of fun without having to tell us explicitly what that might be. And who doesn't like dinosaurs?

4) Sounds like a marketable film? If this has a happy ending and is not obscenely raunchy, this has a good chance to attract broad appeal.

5) Do I want to read the script? Sure, I would give this one a chance to hook me.

Very Good.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

This logline is very rough. I have no idea what the ultimate goal or ultimate problem of the story is. The second sentence stumbles due to improper punctuation, so that made me go back and reread just that sentence, which is something you never want. Perfection is key, and tight summaries with proper writing are a key to great loglining.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good title!

The logline is so wordy that it made it confusing. You've got a good idea, but the logline makes it difficult to follow what is going on. Is the dinosaur doo doo real or just an expression? Is he back in time?

Would it be better to say blueprints for cheap time machines? Instead of plans. There are two different meanings for the word 'plans'.

I do think this is an interesting storyline and that's why I gave it a good.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Liked the title but the logline leaves me cold. Reads like some random plot points loosely strung together. Get to the point of the story - who is the protagonist, what's the problem, what are the stakes? I also suggest not using the word shit in the logline. Edit it down, more like:

When a hot shot time cop finds himself stranded in the past, his only hope for help is from his estranged wife and the anarchist daughter he barely knows.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: I wouldn't show anyone this title if given the choice. It just doesn't work.

Logline: This is sort of a mixed bag. You've missed the format by more than a bit. Too many details and not enough info to tell me what the story is actually about.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I love the first part of this logline. But once you the influential man comes in it all falls apart. Whats the deal with his anarchist daughter? Why does he need them to help? Whats with the dinosaur shit? The grammar/sentence structure could use some work. I think if you fix up the second half of this you'd have somethin pretty special!

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

Title: It sounds too similar to "Hot Tube Time Machine".

Grammar/Writing Style: You need a comma in between "Internet" and "a hotshot". You capitalized internet when it should have been lower case. The use of parenthesis is questionable. I had to do a double-take to understand that the cop and family man were one person. The sentence "Until he investigates...dinosaur shit." isn't even a sentence. "Hope for help" sounds weird. Yeah, there's too many problems.

Genre: Sci-fi("time machines"), Crime("cop"), Comedy ("dinosaur shit"), understood

Story: What makes a hotshot cop who treats his family bad relatable? You've lost your audience immediately. I also can't figure out exactly want the conflict is nor should I care because all I know, this guy is an arrogant dick.

Interest: As stated before, why would I want to root for a man who I dislike? Anything bad that happens to him sounds like he deserves it.

***Reviewer's Note***: The most important thing you need to do right now is improve your main character.

Title: 0/1
Grammar: 0/2
Genre: 1/1
Story: 0/3
Interest: 0/3
Am I confused? Yes: -2
Total: -1/10
Rating: Poor

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Title is ok, I think it could be better. The premise of a do it yourself time machine via Wiki Leaks is a good idea (although I did see a similar film about some young tinkerers building one a couple of years ago). I just can't follow the logline. The time cop is chasing down every nut that built a machine (sounds overwhelming). Then he is framed and punishment is to send him back to the stone age, where he has to get help from his family in the future. I think the premise is good, but the LL needs some focus.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

TITLE: ambivalent about it, love it and hate it. I would probably replace the "and" with "with". While it definitely gets a response, I do think there's a more clever title out there -- this one reminded me of "Hot Tub Time Machine". I don't want to be reminded of another movie with a title, I want to see it as fresh and unique.

LOGLINE: the first thing that struck me odd is, "When plans for cheap time machines are leaked on the Internet" followed by "...saves the world from idiots nearly every day". If cheap plans find themselves on the internet, you don't have enough time cops to go around to the idiocy that would take place, let alone one time cop.

You don't need (and lousy family man) - the end of your logline takes care of that.

Comments Made After the Contest

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 12:16 AM

Rewrite: (When the partner saw the first one, he did most of this rewrite in about five minutes.)

"After plans for cheap time machines are leaked on the Internet, a hotshot time cop saves the world daily from thrill seeking idiots. But when he steps on the wrong toes and finds himself stranded knee-deep in fresh dinosaur shit, he needs help from his estranged wife and the anarchist daughter he barely knows."

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 12:20 AM

Way better!

Herman Chow (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 12:29 AM

Yes, this version is much better. I had problems with saving idiots at first, but now that you stated they are "thrill-seeking idiots", I understand why they need saving.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 1:50 AM

Incidentally I gave yours an Excellent - and I gave away only 14 of them. Which is little for me, considering there were 107 entries.

Anyway, I'm upset it din't make it - it's a unique idea. One of the best.

Denise Jewell (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2011 11:01 AM

I really liked this - I gave it a VG. This is worth working on - I would definitely see this movie.