Comments Made During the Contest

Abel Zerai (Level 2)

I would love to read about these true events first and foremost. Secondly I would like to know more about Edgar Smith like who he is so then I could get an idea about his traits. And does he discover that "freedom has a dark side" because of the corruption inside the prison or on the outside? Or possibly he does become free but is tormented by people for his name being tarnished and everyone assuming he did was he was convicted for?

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

The last line really pulls me in. While the whole story is engaging, I'm especially interested to learn more about that portion.

I wish that there was a little more information in this logline. Maybe a few descriptive words about Edgar Smith, or something about the efforts that were made on his behalf while he was imprisoned?

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Okay, you give up too much in the logline. You shoudln't have mentioned the "the only to find..." part. The first two sentences was good.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I love crime stories, and I especially love true crime stories. Sounds like an interesting case. I would say that the only thing your logline lacks is the confirmation that he does indeed gain his freedom. It sounds that way, but it's a little vague there.

This logline actually sounds a lot like mine...maybe that's why I like it so much! =^) Good luck.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I think I want to hear more. The part where freedom has a dark side triggered me. The first part sounds boring, a man in a prison. But that last sentence redeemed your logline.

I just googled him, sounds like you could write an interesting drama based on this character.

If you rewrite the logline, make the first part shorter so it becomes clear the movie is about what happened after he was released initially.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: It's unique. The legal term implies a story based on courtrooms and law.

Story: It's a good setup, but Edgar's path to freedom is unexplained. This is a pivotal part of your story. If Edgar is freed from prison within the first thirty pages of your script, what happens then?

How does Edgar struggle for his freedom? Does he try to escape the prison? Does he file appeal after appeal in court?

Craft: I would omit "Based on true events". Save that for the trailer.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

The first thing that stands out to me is the vagueness, intentional or not. He struggles for 14 yrs to gain his freedom; is this struggle trying to prove his innocence? Or is he trying to escape? My guess is he's innocent (based on the title), so how exactly is he struggling for his freedom? Is he trying to piece the evidence together from prison? Is he appealing the court's decision? Is he working with an attorney? Those kinds of actions can make one movie entirely different, and my sympathy for the protagonist varies based on which it is. The logline should give me an indication of how he struggles for freedom.

Next point of vagueness is when he does get his freedom, he learns it has a dark side. It sounds like you are trying to lure me in with the hopes of getting an answer about this. It's supposed to be like a cliffhanger, when all it really is, is vague. Does he have the dark side, therefore he runs the risk of getting in trouble again if left to his own devices? Or is it that he doesn't belong in the free world after being locked up for 14 years?

I think this should give us a little more insight into the happenings of the script. This is good.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title's okay, but I can't imagine it hasn't been used before.

The genre is clearly crime/legal drama.

The protagonist is clearly defined as is his initial goal and the obstacles he'll face, but it seems that there would be a secondary goal once he's free that we're not told of. We also are left to guess at who the antagonist would be in this story.

Actually, this seems like a great logline for the first half of the film and then we're not really given any info about the second half. To fix this, I think we need some details as to what the dark side of freedom would be.

This is a story I'd probably be interested in reading/seeing, but the logline is too vague that I'm not sure what the 2nd or 3rd act is really about.

Caroline Bucholz (Level 2)

Very Interesting, I want to know more, Can't wait to read the first ten pages and more. The only concern i have about the logline is all the years you have listed in it, Fifteen, fourteen, Ok so It's not really that many, But why does he struggle for fourteen years why is it so close to the age of the victum. Just wondering.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Sentenced to die in the electric chair? I'd have thought this detail was unnecessary - Sentenced to death would be neater.

But this is a fine logline!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Not bad. I kinda wanted to know what he was fighting? Was it guilt, suspicion, the family, what? That might've pushed this into an Excellent, but a VG isn't to shabby.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like this very much.

I think the title could be improved - I worry that too many people simply don't know what it means.

The story is compelling and I like the twist, but I think you can find a way to set "the hook" even deeper.

Still, I really hope this moves on to the next stage.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

I don't think it's basis in fact helps; and it could be slipped in instead of thrust upon me like that.

This is only backstory, the part that's your movie is 'freedom has a dark side' and it's too cryptic to be compelling.

Claire Fishman (Level 3)

I love the change you made to the end of the logline, it adds so much more. The whole thing now captures the creepiness, the darkness of your script. It did before, but just a little change can add so much. Good luck! :)

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

Not a bad beginning and set-up, but in my opinion it's not enough. "- only to find that freedom has a dark side.", doesn't tell me much. Only that freedom isn't what he expected, I suppose, but why not? A logline is not a teaser, it's job is to us what the story is. It sounds like your first sentence and the first part of your second sentence is at best acts one and two. And then right at the important part you just hint. I think your logline needs to do more.

Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Okay title. Interesting logline but I need more information. Was he guilty of the murder? On what grounds did he try to get his freedom? Why does freedom have a dark side? The danger with true stories is that some writers work hard to stay true to the actual events without crafting a story to make it an interesting SP. I need to see more story craft in your logline to get me interested.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

Even its immediate associations with criminal justice do not make "Habeas Corpus" an excellent choice for a logline with that theme. Its very status over all cases seems to make its use an easy one unless in some way it has a particular resonance with this individual case. If it has, it is not clear in the logline.
The hook of the 'dark side' needs something more to make it compelling. For it to spoil Smith's freedom after fourteen years of struggle under a death sentence, it needs to be pretty dark.

Elvira Elzinga (Level 2)

It is an interesting idea but why does he get free when he murdered a fifteen year old girl. Or does he fight for freedom because he didn't kill the girl? But I am excited to know what kind of dark side the character Edgar Smith will encounter when he is freed.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I want to read this screenplay. Well written logline. I graded it excellent.

Gavin Bale (Level 3)

I just saw "Conviction" last night. Although this sounds similar to that, it also appears to incorporate a deep psychological aspect to it. It's perfect in its description of what can be expected in the script with just the right amount of vagueness to spike the curiosity of readers. Excellent.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

I really like this premise. I am not quite sure how to take the character - are we supposed to believe he is innocent? The title fits, and I am left wanting to know more. I am thinking that most of the action takes place after he is released, so I'd like a bit more of a preview of what will happen.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Hmm...typos, spelling and and grammar mistakes thoughout.

Don't need the "Based on true events", IMO. I don't really care if it's based on true events or not unless the story is interesting enough.

What doesn't make sense to me is the "Sentenced to (death) by the electric chair, he struggles for fourteen years to gain his freedom"... Why is he still in prison for fourteen years if he's receiving the death penalty? And how did he struggle for freedom if he's inside the prison? Did someone on the outside help him to appeal the case? Or do you mean literally that he was planning a prison break? These points can be more clear.

"Only to find that freedom has a dark side". I liked that. Perfect irony here.

But unfortunately, because of the typos and mistakes and the unclear plot. I'll have to settle for a FAIR.

James Hughes (Level 5)

The title is generic for me, it isn't telling me anything about the story or the genre. From reading the logline, I can't tell what the story has to do with habeas corpus.

What is the dark side to freedom? Why do I need to know this is based on true events. I'd rather know what is wrong with his freedom than know it is based on true events. I like the simplicity of the logline. It is straightforward which seems to mirror the story, charged with brutal crime, do time, try to get free, get free, then . . . . this is where I would have liked something more specific to let me know what, generally, takes place.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Well, you've got an up on many being that this is based on true events. I find that I'm always moved more when I find that things are true. In addition to that, you've done a very good job, giving it a hook. It's quite interesting.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

First Impression: Intrigued.

I love the fact that you didn't tell us what is so dark about his freedom. I thought the logline was vague, until I read the ending. For some reason, the ending complimented the entire thing. I want to read this.

Excellent.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

This could well make a brilliant film, I just googled Edgar Smith and his life really is a fascinating topic that would covert well onto the screen, however your logline doesn't make this aparent at all. You offer little more than his predicament, you don't give us and hint of his personality, wether he's guilty or not, the nature of his struggle. There's nothing here we can picture, what you give us is either strait facts ("Edgar Smith is convicted of the brutal murder of a fifteen year old girl. Sentenced to die in the electric chair") or vague, unclear statements ("only to find that freedom has a dark side"). What you lack in your logline is story.

Give us some substance and this'll be a winner :)

Jeroen Bouva (Level 3)

Your setting, goals and genre seem pretty clear. Your logline is economical in length too, so it reads fluently. Some things that could be improved in my opinion: Maybe you could use a person description that tells us something more about his character so we can really picture an Edgar Smith in our mind. Another thing is that the last part makes me wonder if there is a significant amount of time that plays outside prisons/courtrooms. It's not really clear to me. And the based on true events feels very irrelevant. It doesn't tell anything about your story or the characters in it so it's of no use for a logline.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

I'm not sure I understand this -- if he murdered a girl and was sentenced, why shouldn't he die? Seems like it would be very hard to make him a protagonist that anyone can identify with. Why was he freed? If he was wrongly convicted then you left out a very important bit of info.

And the final bit, "freedom has a dark side" might be a good tag line but it's meaningless in terms of telling us anything about the story.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Is he innocent? If so, you should mention that he struggles for fourteen years to prove his innocents... If he escapes, mention that. Is this story about his quest for freedom, or about the repercussions when he finally gets what he wants. Clarifying what the story is about might help strengthen this logline. Readers want to know what they are getting into before they open a script.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

So he was freed? - I'm appalled at this. Not at the logline but the fact that he was freed. And it's true.

The logline is good, but I think you could be more explicit with the "dark side". Is it his concious, his murderous mind working up or it's the people around who can't forgive him the murder, or the police who gang up and rule their own judgement... the word "dark" makes me think it's something psychological but what?
I wish there was more to convince me. It's still a good job.

Kirk White (Level 5)

this is more of a synopsis than a compelling logline. Ultimately it reads like something you'd see on ID and I don't see the unique perspective/angle you bring

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a drama with some crime elements. "Based on true events" is enticing. There's a strong hint that protagonist Edgar Smith avoids the electric chair and gets out of prison. Maybe the victim's family believes he is guilty and has gotten away with murder. Likely to be internal conflict as he struggles to recapture life before prison. The adage, "truth is stranger than fiction" may apply to this story.
Terrific title. Curious if it's a hint as to how Smith gets released.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

At first blush, this sounds like "The Green Mile".

Is the bulk of the movie about Edgar fighting for his freedom, or Edgar the ex-con? The logline doesn't hint at which is the major storyline. This makes all the difference in the world between a legal/jail drama and a tense thriller. Right now, I don't know what kind of movie I'm about to go see.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title's okay.

I don't know if you intend it or not, but you make it sound like Smith suffered abuse of some kind after his release. That may have been true to some degree, but the man returned to prison for kidnapping and attempted murder! If you're taking the stance that he's some sort of victim, please make your opinion more clear, and be very thorough with your research... I'd take issue with that portrayal, and so would some of the people who were involved...

If this is going to be a fictional account based on his story, take his name out of it and end with the "based on true events" line.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Did he get his freedom? I guess somehow he did. And the dark side could be anything. Is he haunted? Or is he harrassed by her family? Or does his family turn on him? I think you have some good info in here, you just need to make it a little more clear. The part where you say he struggles to gain his freedom...maybe be a little more specific. Was he really innocent? Fights to prove his innocense?? It has to be something extreme for someone who killed a child and was sentenced to death, to be set free. And I think you took the easy way out by saying "dark side". To open in my opinion. With a little work I think this could be really good.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

"Based on true events." I'm not sure if this needs to be included. To people who already know the case, the name will tip them off, but it didn't mean anything to me.

Knowing that it was based on true events allowed me to quickly look up his story, and it sounds like it would make a really interesting drama.

"brutal murder"
Is Edgar Smith our protagonist? Because this logline and from what I've quickly read don't make him out as that sympathetic. I can picture his struggle for justice and freedom working well, but how are you going to deal with the 1976 crime? It could be used to quite effectively pull the rug out from underneath the audience, after sympathising with what we thought was an unjustly-accused man, but I don't know if this would work without another character, maybe Buckley or one of his other defenders, being the protagonist and audience's viewpoint in the story. If this is the case he should really be represented in the logline.

Likewise the "dark side" he succumbs to should be revealed in the logline (if it comes where I think it would, in the middle of Act 2). Not only will you spare the unintentional Star Wars reference, but anyone interested in the story would just search for the name and know the ending anyway, as I did.

I like the title. It might be confusing, but it's better than a generic melodramatic title.

Good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Decent title.

You set this up nicely and then just left it hanging. The ending is so vague it makes me wonder whether or not I have any interest in reading the script. Give me something that makes me HAVE to read it!

Michael Berg (Level 3)

I'm a little iffy on the "based on true events" line. It won't make me want to read the screenplay any more or less if the story premise stinks. I don't think it's needed for a logline.

Don't need the character's name, it would be better to have a character description for us to visualize. I can't visualize "Edgar."

What is Edgar's story? Struggling to get freedom, or finding what happens after getting it? Who is the antognistic force in the story?

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I am not familiar with the true events, so by telling us that he finds that freedom has a dark side, I am assuming he is released. Hopefully this doesn't deflate the story. Either his struggle needs to be interesting enough that knowing the result doesn't hurt, or his life after being freed is the main focus of the story.
The logline is well written. Not sure if the title works for me.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: immediately brings to mind the Alan Bennett comedy play but am also aware it is a legal term. So not sure on genre and it is not original enough to spark my interest.

Logline: fits with the title on the legal term and makes it clear this is a drama. Tell us the whole story - a man fights for fourteen to gain his freedom and wins.

Doen't tell us much else. Does it focus on his stuggle or the vague 'dark side' once he is free? I would focus on making the final act clear.

Not appealing to me this needs to have a bit more oomph - a fourteen year struggle just doesn't sound exciting enough to sit through 90 minutes of.

I would pass on reading the first ten pages.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Nice job. There is a clear point to this. The character's motivations are easily understood as is the obstacle. The only trouble I had was the last part. It felt cheap and forced, like you were demanding that I ask to know what that was all about. Instead, I found that I was asking myself about the necessity of the addition. Eventhough I'm pretty sure I know what you are referring to, I don't think it needs to be put that way. Something like "life on the outside is as hard as life on the inside" would sum it up nicely and not make me feel pushed into anything.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Not a bad hook, but i cant see the movie. What will act 1 and 2 entail? Its just the first set up i guess.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: I like it, though it feels a little too legal and dry.

Your logline is clear and concise. Good job with that.

Try to have this story stand out on its own. These themes and plot-lines have been done many, many times before. Hillary Swank just had a movie out with a similar story, but I forget the name. (And, by the way, the movie didn't perform well at the box office.)

It seems your angle on this might be the "freedom has a dark side." Play that out more in the logline without divulging any story twists and turns. I'm guessing you're insinuating that Edgar is released from prison, only to discover life is more cruel and vindictive on the outside?

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This could be a very good movie. This actually could be one of two very good movies - I'm just trying to figure out which it is.

I'm getting the genre as a drama, but I'm not entirely sure where the meat of the story is. Is the whole movie a fourteen-year-long struggle to save this man from execution? That could make a good film a la "The Hurricane", especially if he's innocent (which I can't tell from the logline). But the last tag-on doesn't jive with that - it feels like some darker thing lies waiting for him outside the prison, and with that, it feels like that will be more of the movie's focus. But if it is (more like "The Woodcutter"), you give me no information. I feel like this is a first act, but I'm not sure what most of the film is actually going to be about.

Incidentally, "Based on true events" sort of rubs me the wrong way (though I won't detract from your score). Unless the story is really hard to believe, I don't really care one way or the other (see "Mister" from the contest two years ago).

Focus me on what your story is really about, and you could have a very compelling logline.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title is very good in convey a legal story and relating to the idea of someone trying to free themselves.

The premise of this has a lot of potential for drama and I'm guessing the real events of this will give your story a lot of credibility. That being said, the challenge here will be to set this apart from other death row legal stories, and I think you are doing that with the last part of your logline.

The logline technique is pretty effective, although my main nagging doubt is that as described it feels like the interesting last part of the story might come over as being like a post script to what has gone before. This makes me wonder if some non-linear approach will work well on this?

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

Don't think I need to now if it's a true story or not, but thats my personal preference. I've marked this down slightly because although a competant logline, you don't show anything new from the usual prison drama storyline. I'll give this a GOOD.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Don't know the name but based on true events is enough for me to bite into your premise. The fourteen year struggle would be a hearty middle to the film and the tag at the end tells me it might not be a happy ending. Nicely presented and clear in both tone and story, this is one of the better loglines I've read thus far. Nice work.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

1) Error free? Yep.

2) Do I know what to expect? The story is laid out pretty well, but the conclusion to the logline is perhaps a little too vague.

3) Clear character(s)/compelling goal? This story clearly has an interesting character at its core, and whether or not he will be a sympathetic character is appropriately ambiguous. His struggle for freedom is instantly relatable. Where the logline suffers a bit is the ambiguous way that it closes. It gives no indication of how much story remains to be told once he gains his freedom, and is too cagey in regards to what actually occurs. Playing it close to the vest is one thing for a fictional story, but for true events, you should lay the facts out there to assure the reader that you have a compelling tale to tell.

4) Sounds like a marketable film? That is difficult to predict for historical material, and it will be predicated upon how compelling these true events turn out to be.

5) Do I want to read the script? While the broad scenario is appealing, there are too few details to draw me into this story.

Good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like the title.

I thought the logline was good. To the point and we know what kind of movie we'll be viewing. The only weak spot I think is that 'he struggles for fourteen years to gain his freedom. How does he struggle? What does he do to gain it? Is he exonerated? How old is Edgar?

I do think this would be a story I'd be interested in seeing ten more pages of. Good luck with it.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I like this one, the part about the "dark side" is a little vague. If this is based on a true story, I'd suggest adding more about what that dark side means in terms of consequences.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Hmmm... sorta like it, sorta don't. Not sure why.

Logline: You're almost there with this logline, but it misses the mark in a couple of ways. I would like to have seen something more along these lines:

After being convicted of a murder that he didn't commit, a man fights for fourteen years to regain his freedom.

That's only the first half of the logline... but since I don't know your story, I can't provide the second half. But you should be able to supply the rest.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I've seen this movie a million times before. You didn't really try and make this unique or stand out. Why should I bother with this over one of the other wrongly convicted movies out there?

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Title is off putting. Sounds dry. I would like to know when this is set (electric chair tells me it is a period piece). Needs a little focus: is this a courtroom piece or mystery where someone helps him gain evidence to exonerate himself? Why does freedom have a dark side: is that the movie? Does he gain freedom in the first act and then the movie is about his struggle and stigma? Needs a little clarity.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

TITLE: Love it.

LOGLINE: I think your logline should start with, "Convicted of the brutal murder of a fifteen year old girl..." I don't think you need the "Based on true events" or "Edgar Smith."

I believe this is a concept that is interesting and should have broad appeal.

Good luck.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

We've heard of stories like this before, but your logline needs to the sell the idea that this is unique. "Freedom has a dark side" isn't enough, especially since it implies that this is where the true story begins.

Comments Made After the Contest

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 1:33 AM

A VG from me. Terrific, compelling story idea.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 3/1/2011 1:39 AM

I have had the pleasure of reading this script and it is awesome!

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 3/1/2011 9:08 PM

I would like to read it too, Greg. I gave it an excellent.