Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

What a wonderful logline. It's fresh. It's original. It may need to be trimmed down a bit, but nothing biggy. Congrats. I wanna read this script.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

There is a nice blend of common and uncommon in your logline. I think "serial dating" is something so many of us can relate to, especially after being jilted -- this combines with a sort of sci-fi overtone is a quirky mixture that gets attention.

To improve the logline, I think you need to choose words more carefully and be a bit more specific. For example, "her wavering romantic interest" -- this could refer to her emotional status, ie. she is sometimes interested in romance, sometimes not -- or it could refer to a specific man, as in "the romantic interest" in the film. It's unclear to me. I'm also not sure what you mean by "worsening side effects". Unfortunately, it leaves me with a few unanswered questions, making me uncertain whether or not I'd want to see this movie if I read this description in a guide.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The title is good, suggests a possessive woman wanting a man all for herself.

One problem I see is that the protagonist is not a nice person. She is using nano-technology to manipulate men into liking her. That is not very nice, and she deserves to lose.

She is trying to play god, and deserves to lose.

So perhaps chose another protagonist, a man trying to stop her perhaps. The "worsening side effects" should be the men dying one after the other. Otherwise, how does she attract the attention of the CIA? That felt a bit far-fetched.

Or have her discover that there is something to the imperfect mind, and have her fall in love with a normal man, flaws and all. An epic mythic journey where she learns something about herself.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: It's okay. If the perfect guy is a robot then the title should reflect that.

Story: The story isn't clear at all. What is her research proposal? What does she want to do with the mind of the perfect man? What do the intelligence agencies want with her "guy"?

Craft: Nano-technician should not be capitalized. A couple of commas in the second sentence would help.

This feels like a romantic comedy with some action thrown in.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I guess the first impression was confusion. This doesn't sound very simple, and sometimes simple is best (at least for a logline). My first question is about cultivating the mind of a perfect man. Does this mean she's trying to cultivate her mind to attract the perfect man? Her mind so she can think like the perfect man? Or is she cultivating someone else's mind to match her ideal of a perfect man? And using her research proposal doesn't tell me anything. Is her research proposal something about mind control?

Next was her wavering romantic interest. Does this mean her interest in anything romantic wavers (as her experiment kicks in), or does she already have an on-and-off boyfriend (some people refer to a significant other as a romantic interest)?

Couple that with her struggle to keep it secret... I thought this was a proposal, so someone knows about it, right?


What worsening side effects? Are these affecting her? If so, what are they? And why are they attracting intelligence agencies, have they been keeping up on her already?

It's kind of hard for me to get excited about this when I am left with so many questions. Sorry, this is fair.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is a little bland and makes me think romantic comedy.

The genre is pretty clearly a thriller from the logline which is why I don't feel like the title is a very good fit.

The protagonist is clearly identified, as is her goal, the antagonist and the obstacles she'll have to overcome to achieve her goal and find romantic happiness. So you've got all the basics covered. Nice job on that. It's surprising how many I've reviewed that don't. The concept is pretty creative.

I didn't notice any spelling or punctuation errors.

The logline is a little strange. It starts off seeming like a rom-com but then suddenly her life is in danger and the CIA is after her which twists the genre towards thriller. Perhaps work on a more consistent tone throughout so as not to give any false impressions.

Based on the concise logline, I do get the impression that you've got a good enough handle on your story that you'll be able to fill the pages of a feature with it. Nice job. I look forward to checking out your first 10 pages next round.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Nano-technician - I don't know what one of these is so it rather destroys the premise of your logline!

How can you use a research proposal to do anything? You could use the research...

Yes, the second sentence has me puzzled too. Especially "the worsening side effects attract the attention of intelligence agencies"

It MIGHT be good but the confusion disguises it for me.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Huh? Is she literally growing a mind or controlling someone elses? You are missing some words, punctuation, something. This could also be trimmed and compressed. Ok it needs to be.

If you may, here is my attempt.

"A jilted nano-technician uses her top secret work to mold her boyfriend into the perfect man, but her experiment backfires when it catches the attention of the FBI."

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Something about the title makes me feel this will be a comedy, but the logline reads much more like a thriller.

I think there is a really interesting idea here and I love the idea of telling a story with nano-technology. But this logline is a but cumbersome and hard to follow. Are you saying that she has created the perfect man (through technology) but now she is on the run from the government? Also, it feels like secret intelligence agencies have been done a lot.

So, in the end, I'm not quite clear on the tone of this story and what exactly she is running from or to. I do like the idea behind it all, but I think this logline could be great with a small rewrite.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Wait, there's a lot to grasp here.
1)jilted? serial dating? how does that translate into robo-man?
2)cultivate the mind of the perfect man--do you mean she's harvesting the best from all her many dates to make this robo-man?
3)aside from her tastes and keeping him secret, what about these side-effects?

Clarify the roots of robo-man's inception and narrow it down to the fatal flaw that brings the scientist-lady's work imploding around her.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Disappointing title. I feel the story deserves a better one.

I like the set up of the nano technician serial dating and cultivating her perfect mind. But when the intelligence agencies are introduced it seems to lose my interest and not feel like a compact story.

It feels like a science fiction genre but could do with more concentration on that theme.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I'm confused by this logline. Is "...her research proposal to cultivate the mind of the perfect man" equivalent to actually actually making a robotic man? That seems to be the implication but I'm not sure.

I don't understand how "...her wavering romantic interest coupled with a struggle to keep her creation a secret" turns into a bid of survival. What is causing her "...worsening side effects" and why would the intelligence agencies care?

You may have tried to include too much in your logline, or edited it down too much, because I don't understand your story from what I read in the logline. The story is definitely unique but it needs a better logline.

Good luck.

David Birch (Level 5)

well, i had to look up "nano-technician"...shame on me...that being said, i'm not sure that you've bridged the gap between her "jilted" and some sort of danger from the intelligence agencies...why do they want give an "s" about her search for love on the serial dating circuit?..."serial dating" is going to be a nightmare for the reader, so make sure you keep each character very distinctive and give each their own voice...good luck in the vote...

David Laffey (Level 3)

This is very interesting - tons of potential for comedy, action, and drama! The conflict is inherent and obvious and I like that there is a sci-fi element. I also feel the ORIGINALITY makes it so much fun. I think that you have something great here, I'd be interested to read more. All indications of a powerful logline. Well done.

EXCELLENT

David Otero (Level 2)

I think that the title does not match the tone of the movie that I imagine when I read your logline. I think it works until the part where you place the main characters life in jeopardy, up until this part I thought it was a really cool idea. Now the movie I imagine is action/drama/thriller, when at first i felt like it was more like a romantic comedy. I feel like the darker last half of the logline contradicts the lighter first half aswell as the title. I think you really need to pin down a tone for the logline and make a title that fits that tone. Also, I think using the term worsening side effects is too vague. I can't imagine what those side effects would be, so I don't understand how this puts her into a bid for survival.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title: Good

Logline: Good but...you have all of the elements you need for a logline, but the way it's written is kind of confusing, so I'm not sure what's going on. The craft of this logline is lacking.

Story: My interest is piqued, and not just because I want to clear up the confusion. My confusion is whether she's doing something to herself or to the men. But nonetheless, this is an original idea that is part sci-fi, part romance, part action. I think this could be a very popular read/watch.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

'My Guy' alone, considering the theme, is not enough. The addition of a relevant qualifier would have been clever.
I have read the logline through a couple of times but I still do not think I quite get it. I like the flavour of it; interesting ingredients, but a bit lumpy, not clear.
Not sure what 'research proposal' means, nor 'cultivate', with its connotations of grooming. Do you mean; create 'the mind of the perfect man'? And if she is 'serial-dating' I hardly think it describes 'her wavering romantic interest'; quite the contrary, I would think.
Good, though.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The logline left me confused. Is the protagonist going to take actual men and do something with their minds? Is this drama or horror or comedy? I am not sure the way the logline is currently presented.

Gavin Bale (Level 3)

You have a lot going on here. A little too much. I love the beginning. She sounds like a fascinating character. It's the start of the 2nd sentence when it spirals into confusion. I think you're trying to tell too much, when less would be more in this case. You write with eloquence and describe things very well. It's just too much in too little space. But still good.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

I like the idea for the story, but I don't think the title hits the mark. The title makes it sound like a romantic comedy, but from the logline it sounds like more of a science fiction, drama and thriller. One very minor suggestion is a comma after "dating". The rest is good and concise.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

I think this is good, but confess that I don't quite understand how nanotechnology works, so not sure what "cultivate the mind" means. What exactly is her creation - is it mind control?

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I liked the idea of creating the perfect man, and there's always repercussion.

Funny how both of your sentences are long, but they are not run-ons. Just a missing comma between "serial dating" and "she uses".

I think I can imagine the juicy scenes in the script already. And that's good. Her creating the perfect man, falling in love with him, hiding the secret from agencies, escaping with the man, discovers the side effects, coping or curing it.

Protagonist, antagonist, goal, obstacles and stakes are all there.

EXCELLENT.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I feel like I got lost reading that. I think it may need some simplification. Good story though. Title is a bit too vague. Maybe just an additional adjective to the title like "My Perfect Guy."

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

First impression: Sounds great

The logline is perfect. It gives us everything we need to know about the story. I love how you told us that she's attracting the attention of intelligence agencies, but you DIDN'T tell us what the side effect was. Great job on that. Really make me want to read your script.

I have nothing more to say about this one. It's perfect in my eyes. I guess a small suggestion would be to put a comma between "dating" and "she" but... I'm not entirely sure if that's right, but it feels right to me. Haha ;)

This one should place in the top 5.

Excellent.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

A pretty interesting concept. I like the idea of trying to cultivate the perfect man. I think the intelligence agencies could be a bit tricky, whenever you bring "government types" into a story you have to be careful how you handle them. I like it a lot though.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I really like this one, it's not a movie I'd typically watch or be interested in, but for what it is I think you've portrayed it very well in your logline. The title is spot on, very appropriate to the story and themes, and marketable as well.

The tone and style is crystal clear, which is something I've found it bit lacking in this competition. So well done there :)

My only complaint is that I really don't know what you mean by the protagonist using her "research proposal", I understand what a nano-technician is (although some people may not) but this research proposal is lost on me.

"Very Good". I'd be glad to read the first ten pages of this :) Well Done

Joel Davis (Level 5)

I had a hard time understanding what was going on here. It's a bit convoluted, but you've got some interesting stuff to work with. I think the dating problems and the intelligence agencies aren't as interesting as the nano-tech and her "engineered mind". So focus the story on that and leave the other stuff out.

You've got a good protag, and a workable (if a bit vague) goal of finding love. What's missing here is what's going to stop her -- for instance why does she need to keep her creation a secret?

Good start, but needs a bit of focus.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

My initial thought... too long.

I'd also reconsider using the phrases "Nano-technician" and "Research Proposal". I guessing a lot of people will likely have to stop and think what they mean, thus disrupting the flow.

I'm also a little hazy as to what the Nano-technician has created. I'm assuming by the word "nano" that it might be some kind of little robots that brainwash men. I think you need to be a little more explicit in your logline.

Perhaps you need to strip it down to the bear essentials. Something like:

A jilted scientist uses her mind control technology to brainwash men into liking her. But then the government wants a piece of the action.

(Feel free to correct the details if I've got them wrong!) (:

Despite all the above, I think you've got the potential for a pretty good story.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

It is clear you have an interesting idea, but the logline comes across as a bit wordy and muddled. Does she just make a proposal for this experiment, or is it the actual research that "cultivates the mind of the (her?) perfect man"? Whose "worsening side effects", hers, the experiments? I'm not exactly sure what the experiment is. Just a brain in a jar, a Frankenstein like creature, or perhaps the male version of a Stepford wife??? I think your logline could be tweaked a bit to make it more clear as to what the story is about.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's packed with story, it's full, there's a question in it, it's not just the set up. Your protagonist is fun, very well described too.
This would be Excellent if not one thing - what does she exactly do - she "uses her research proposal to cultivate the mind of the perfect man" - I don't know what it is. I think this is just a clever play of words. Then you're calling it "her creation" and say that she wants to keep it a secret but CIA is after her - why?
It has it all but I don't understand it.

However, I think this one will make it perhaps - it sounds clever, it's well written, it has it all, the story is there and the title is a perfect fit.

Kirk White (Level 5)

this ultimately raises more questions than entices me to want to see the movie. I know what I nano-technician is but I'm not exactly sure what "cultivate the mind of the perfect man" is...does she create it? Does she program it and then find some guy to install? What are these side effects? i think a more straight-forward description of the story would make this more intriguing

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a science fiction romance. Seems the jilted techie protagonist is using her expertise to cultivate information about men from all the different men she's dating. The interference of intelligence agencies likely poses the biggest problem. Maybe she and one of the investigators develop a relationship. Could be conflict when he's trying to do his job and she's keeping her project a secret.
There's a lot of interesting information in this logline. Googled "Nano-technician"; apparently she's a type of scientist who manipulates matter. A "research proposal" is rather confusing. Is she asking questions of all the men she's dating? The "wavering romantic interest" seems to be contradicted by the serial dating.
The title is catchy, and a perfect fit.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

"her wavering romantic interest" Does this mean that she no longer wants to date? Or that the "romantic interest" is a specific man who wavers? Confused.

In fact, the second sentence seems altogether too long and confusing. Why does she need to survive? Are the intelligence agencies actually trying to kill her instead of cultivate her secret?

And what does "cultivate the mind of the perfect man" mean? She actually uses nano-technology to change their minds? Or she's going to create one of her own? Again, confused.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title's okay but not great. It would probably be changed before production...

I'm confused... Does she infect some guy she's dating with nanobots to make him a better lover or boyfriend? Or both?.. I'm not sure where you're going with this.

I think you could do some judicious editing on this to make it more clear and concise. I'm not sure if you're giving too much or not enough information, or a combination of both. Do I need to know that she's been jilted at this point? What's her waivering romantic interest? What's her creation? The better engineered boyfriend or the nanobots?

A logline should give all or most of the following information - Protagonist. Antagonist. Journey. Struggle. Stakes. You've got the protagonist and the struggle. You need to include more.

By the way, this sounds like a rom/com.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I read this a few times and I still don't get it. I like the title, it fits in with the tone of the story. I don't understand what you mean by she uses her "research proposal". And "worsening side effects" of what? And who is having the side effects?

This is just unclear to me. It seems like theres a cool story in here but as is its left me confused.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Interesting blend of science-fiction and presumably romantic comedy.

I'm not sure of the connection between the nano-technology and the creation of an artificial intelligence. They would be related but not the same.

Meghan Wolf (Level 2)

Great title when paired with the material. Very original idea and plot. You need a comma after the word 'dating' in the first sentence. I wasn't sure why her romantic interest was wavering, why was the perfect mind not perfect, what are the worsening side effects, and why is survival in question at this point? WHo is trying to survive, the Nano-technician or the perfect man. Also, is the perfect man just a mind or...is he embodied.
Just a few questions I had, something to think about - overall I found this logline very well written and I would see this film.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I really like the title, I think it conveys a romantic comedy feel. If the intent is to have more of a thriller however, it might not be right. I think "research proposal" might be the wrong words here. She isn't using her proposal, isn't she using the actual material? I guess I am confused with what you are describing, I think you are saying she is using nano-technology to infect and manipulate men to her liking, but I am not sure. Anyway, the confusion hurts the logline a little bit. The logline has more of a thriller type of feel which, as I said feels different than the title. Could be interesting either way. It would be interesting to see how, from a scientific point of view, nano-tech would change the personalities of her dates. If the story is a romantic comedy, this wouldn't need to be too in depth, but if it is a thriller, the story would hinge on this, so it would have to have some sense of authenticity to convince the audience that it could happen.

Michael Roer (Level 2)

I like the title, as it tells something about the movie and who the protagonist is.
How does she use a research proposal to cultivate someone's mind? That does not seem plausible.
What creation?
What side effect?

This seems more confusing than intriguing.
It may be a winning movie, but the logline appears a bit muddled. Perhaps there is just too much going on, or you're trying to tell too much in the space permitted.

Good luck.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: ok, rather dull. Sounds like a rom com.

Logline: There's a lot going on here and I'm not too clear about some of it. Is it just a mind she grows or does it have a body too? I'm kind of picturing the jar from A Man With Two Brains but then there's the mention of 'wavering romantic interest' and the actual title so I'm thinking there's a guy attached to the cultivated mind.

She then has to survive attention from the agencies - why do they want to kill her or is it 'the worsening side effects' that she has to survive?

I think there's an interesting idea in here but it's just worded in an unclear way and I'm not sure of the genre, it seems like it should be a comedy but there's no humour in the logline and not enough clarification of the stakes for it to be a thriller or action film.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I like how the title works with the story you've presented.

I'd like to read through the first ten pages to delve more into your character's mind. I'm also very interested to see what sorts of side effects take place within the "perfect man" that she's created.

A quick grammatical point. I could be wrong, but I think you might need to add a comma after "serial dating" as well as placing commas before and after "...coupled with a struggle to keep her creation a secret." But like I said, I could be wrong.

Good luck

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

This has the potential to be goofy at times and serious at others. I like the idea of the mix of romance and sci-fi. I am just curious who the side effects are effecting. The girl, the creation?

And what is her creation, specifically? Is it a supercomputer with the brain of a man? Is it a clone of some kind? Did she create him from thin air like in "Weird Science"?

I guess I see the trouble the agencies could cause, but I'm wondering if the story wouldn't be stronger if she fell for one of the agents. Just a thought.

Patrick Zampetti (Level 1)

Sounds like a theater-ready plot. Nice possibilities for high tech thriller action and light romocom fare. I loved the Jim Belushi James Woods film Salvador because it started out like a predictable buddy-film comedy and got real intense in a hurry. It was great at both levels and I am sure it surprised a lot of viewers.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Goes on a bit long but this is certainly a cool logline. Original premise, although I'd bet this script would do a lot better if it had more of a romcom angle.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: Good for a romantic-comedy, but a little familiar.

A lot of this logline was confusing to me. I might suggest a rewrite of it for clarity and fluidity because as written now, I'm not sure as to the story's plot.

I think you need some commas in certain spots.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This may be the third script revolving around nanites - you've struck a popular vein. I do love the nanites, though, and this strikes a chord similar to "Simone", with the artificial man taking the place of the artificial woman.

It's a little vague on the most interesting points. What are these "worsening side effects"? I assumed the nanobots were assembling themselves into a man - were they infecting men (or a man) and changing their personalities? And are the intelligence agencies actually out to kill her, or just arrest her? There's some piece of the puzzle I'm missing that's stopping me from understanding the full logic of this story.

The logline is pretty solid, but tends to ramble - too many phrases upon phrases. And, to nitpick, I don't think "Nano-technician" should be hyphenated, or capitalized.

It sounds like a decent story; little polish to the logline should really sell it.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title is not bad, but it is a famous song and imeediately gets me thinking romantic comedy, so I don't know if it's right for your premise.

The premise has a lot of potential for a modern take on Frankenstein.

Your logline works pretty well. For me I'd suggest seeing if you can tightened it up a bit and try to find a way to give it a cleaner punch.

To explain what I mean, does the first sentence need "When", "begins serial dating she", "proposal". Without them it becomes "A jilted Nano-technician uses her research to cultivate the mind of the perfect man.", which feels sharper to me.

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

This is quite a cluttered logline for me, two very long sentences to give it any snap. I'm not quite sure which genre it comes under, I can see romance, sci-fi and a thriller in there which is a little confusing.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

1) Error free? Yes, though it is a bit of a jumble.

2) Do I know what to expect? We are clearly in the realm of romantic comedy, but too many ideas are pasted together, and some are totally unaccounted for. I do not understand how our heroine would "cultivate" the mind of the perfect man, or what this even means. The mention of side-effects is also confusing, as to whom they are effecting, and secondary to what?

3) Clear character(s)/compelling goal? The female scientist is fairly well drawn, but her goals are less distinct. Is it to find romance, to save her creation, or to save herself from side-effects? But the title is "My Guy". Does she create a robot of sorts? And is it the robot with the side-effects? The more I try to dissect this logline, the more confused I become.

4) Sounds like a marketable film? Impossible to tell in its current form.

5) Do I want to read the script? At initial glance, this does not seem like the type of script I would typically seek out.

Fair.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

It seems a bit vague in the process of her cultivating the perfect man, and how her nano-tech proposal plays into it. Other than that, it has all the meet and potatoes!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like the idea of this story. I would like to read more. The title doesn't seem to 'go' with the logline though. It sounds more like a romantic comedy title, whereas the logline makes this seem like more of a drama.

But I did like this and would like to read more

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: A tad boring. Doesn't really do anything for me.

Logline: I see something in this, but you really need to figure out the basics of your story.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Why is she jilted? Should nano be capitalized? How does a nano-technician relate to creating an artificial mind? Who is her wavering romantic interest? You throw a lot into this logline without much explanation.

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Good Titile. Sounds like a Rom-Com although the LL sounds like a thriller. You have packed a lot into the log line. I think you chose the words very carefully and covered a ton of ground in two lines and it all sounds interesting. Not really knowing what a nano technician is, I don't know how she is able to dovetail a nano-tech research project into speed dating to 'cultivate' a guy's mind. Not sure what cultivating a mind looks like either. I think this needs one more line to clarify the basic premise, but it sounds like a great premise.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

This is a bit muddled, but I think I get the idea: She's upset over the lack of quality men to date so she develops her own perfect man's brain? But what do you mean by "worsening side effects"? You have to make this clear so the reader understands the hook.

A bit of editing can go a long way in making this story irresistible.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

TITLE
A romance? The "My" part has me thinking sci-fi -- "I built him, he's 'my guy.'" But there's going to be romance... Right?

STORY
Wow. That's going to be a ride. The creating the perfect man angle reminds me of a 1980s John Malkovich movie, "Making Mr. Right." But this goes well beyond what that movie did. What exactly is her creation? It says she cultivates the mind of the perfect man -- and then what? I'm guessing she uses nanotechnology to make the perfect man, but that's me reading into what is presented.

And from whom is her romantic interest wavering? The perfect man? Her creation? And who's side effects are worsening?

CRAFT
I think there's too much going on here. I thought at first it was a romance, but then it seems like it turns into an action film, bordering on spy/conspiracy.

A couple spots where a comma is needed to help with the flow and to be grammatically correct.

OVERALL
I'm going to have to pass on this one. The concept is interesting and all, but I'm afraid of what I'll be getting into. To me, this really comes across as an almost unwritable script with how much needs to get put in it.

Comments Made After the Contest

Jonah Yarden (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2011 7:11 AM

*sigh*

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 8:00 AM

You got a very good from me.

I think the heavy words did you in, sounds way too technical.

Its certainly an interesting premise and a scifi romance is just what hollywood needs.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 3/1/2011 4:27 PM

I liked it. You got an excellent from me. Great job.