Comments Made During the Contest

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

This definitely sets the stage, but I'm not entirely sure that I have enough information to buy in.

Maybe a little more about the pet owner, the circumstances under which he/she adopts, and/or a hint at what happens besides the beast growing. For me, it reads a little like a writing exercise at the moment - only because it's so sparse.

The title makes me think this is intended to be a kids oriented film. If so, you might want to play with the tone of the logline a little, to emphasize that.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I think this has been done already before, this is why you need to mention your twist on this thing to make it stand out. It's an interesting plot nonetheless.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The title is unpronounceable. But you have time to find another name.

Nice and short logline, well-written, suggests lots of interesting possibilities. Will he be able to control the beast? Will the beast dominate him? Or will it help him dominate the world? Or will the beast turn out to be benign?

It definitely makes me want to know more. Original idea also. Good job!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: It's a clever but it makes me think of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. If the exotic beast isn't akin to a T-Rex, it could be misleading.

Story: It's a fun story. I picture a child adopting a lovable pet that grows to massive proportions.

The conflict of an over sized animal is implied, but some insight would be a big help.

Will the military try to destroy the animal? Will a mad scientist kidnap it and use it to take over the world? Will the HOA kick the owner out of his or her house? I'm being over the top, but my point is your implied conflict isn't so implied. It could take any number of directions.

Craft: I would omit "new" after enthusiastic. Any adopted pet will be new.

I'm not sure if you need a hyphen between "ever" and "growing".

The genre feels like a family comedy.

I would welcome the opportunity to read this script if it comes to fruition.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

My first reaction was excellent, but now I'm starting to wonder a little bit about possible consequences and what the pet owner is going to do about it. I'm interested, yes, the problem is I'm not sure exactly what I'm interested in. Did you accomplish goal of interesting me in reading it? Yes, but while I wait for the script, I'm going to start having buyer's remorse because I bought in during a moment; there isn't really anything substantive for me to remember that will keep my interest.

Also, if I start reading the first ten pages, and perhaps it's running a little slower than desired, there's nothing for me to keep reading for. I can't think back to the logline and say, "maybe in just a few pages the beast starts turning the neighborhood dogs into beasts just like itself. That was an example, but do you see my point? Your first few pages need to rock even more than the concept or else you really run the risk of losing me. Just my warning. I'm voting this a very good.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is okay, I guess. I don't love it, but it seems fitting for the script.

The genre isn't clear at all. Is this a comedy? A horror? Family? Very cloudy.

You identify the protagonist and their dilemma, but that's about it. Who's the antagonist? What's the protagonist's goal? This is a premise, not an actual logline. A logline should be a succinct summary of the script, but this is just like a little teaser as to what it'll be about. We can assume the pet is adopted and starts growing sometime in the first 20 pages, so what happens in the 2nd 2 acts of the script?

Based on what's written here, it's impossible to know whether or not this idea will be able to fill the pages of a feature length script and make for a compelling read. I can tell for sure it'd make for a very unique short script, but beyond that, we need to know more about the story to judge for certain.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

While I like short, I'm afraid this is TOO short to give me more than a sketchy idea of the story.

Who else is involved? What's at stake for the person? Is the person male or female?

This needs a whole lot more to make it compelling.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Tynormo? Is this some anime? Well color me intrigued. I'm thinking family comedy. Oh I have to give this an excellent.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love the title - the way it combines "tiny" and "enormous" and yet still feels like a fun pet name.

I am totally intrigued by this logline, but I really wish it was a bit longer and gave us a few more details. I fear too many are going to think it is too vague. Don't be afraid to share the story with us and really hook everyone who reads it.

Still, I really loved this and I hope I get to read the first ten pages.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

It's good but it needs more...what kind of ride will it be?--raising a tiger has it's different challenges than raising an elephant, and a family-man will be a much different story than if it was a sorority sister...

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Interesting intriguing title.

This sounds like a tagline rather than a logline. It fails to tell me enough about the story. I get no idea about the challenge ahead, no real idea about the characters and why it should appeal to me. It does not feel unique enough to evoke any interest in the story.

I have no real feel about the genre and although there are hints it could be worth watching it is not developed enough.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I like this one. Definitely high concept. And even though what you have is the just the set-up, that's probably enough for this idea.

I'd like to read this script.

Good luck.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

"Tynormo" aka "Gremlins".

You need more info here to make this original and compelling. Is the pet owner a kid/man/woman? So the beast grows - what else? Does it eat his/her parents/children? Does it apply for "Biggest Loser for Pets"? While this idea is certainly intriguing, there just isn't any story here yet.

My biggest concern with this is that I have to assume so much. Basically, I need more description - tell me about the hero, then what she is going to do about her dilemna, and throw in a twist to make it interesting. Something like:

"A bleeding heart, middle age cat lover who's just lost her lifelong pet, rescues a new "cat" that turns out to be an ever-growing exotic beast with a voracious appetite. When her neighbors start disappearing, she has to figure how to stop or get rid of her pet. Problem is, she's grown strangely attached to the creature."

Ed Jones (Level 4)

Now, that is a good title. Almost a logline in itself. I love 'enthusiastic'; linked with 'mistakenly', I already feel the dismay. A neat little logline that delivers. It has got me; so it works. Excellent.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I don’t know about the title but the logline is well-written but a hint at the conflict that is forthcoming could make it better.

Gavin Bale (Level 3)

I think the 2nd shortest logline I've read so far. And also an effective one. And just like the other one, it's a little too short. I want to know who he is other than an enthusiastic pet owner, and why he's adopting this creature. Otherwise, I like it a lot. Creative title and I'm assuming it's the name of the beast. Can't wait to find out what this thing looks like.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

I like the title, it sets the tone and tells me this is a science fiction movie. But the logline is too brief and is more like a tagline. I'd suggest including the protagonist's name and more information about the struggles and goals.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

Okay, that about says it all in a very short space. I guess I would like to know more about the character and how he/she interacts with the beast. Do they love each other, but the size is a problem, or does the pet owner wish he/she had never adopted this thing, but doesn't know how to get rid of it?

Herman Chow (Level 5)

This is "Little Shop of Horror" but with pets. Please tell us something more to distinguish this script from the aforementioned movie.

What's unique about this story that I haven't heard or seen before? You need a second high concept idea. Adopting an ever-growing exotic beast is only half of the formula. What's going to happen in the story, by my guess, is to find ways to stop that beast from wrecking havoc. This is what we are used to already. So state something else that can surprise us -- the second high concept.

As of now, it reads pretty dull to me. Sorry. FAIR.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Wow! You sparked my interest with just a few simple words. I want to know more. You could have told us more about the beast, but just saying ever growing exotic was enough. It's tough to do the trick with one sentence, but I'd say you did it. Very good.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

First impression: cool, but wish there was more.

In a script like this, I'm assuming the B story will play a predominant role in it, because what happens while the pet is growing, and why isn't he getting rid of it? I think that needed to be told to us in order for this logline to be complete. I guess not why he doesn't get rid of it, but more of what is happening in his life other than the dinosaur growing in his house. Who is he hiding it from? What are the consequences?

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

What's great about this is that it immediately drew a big goofy grin out of me, it's got charm, but that said, it's also got plenty of flaws.


What the logline really needs is a second sentence. Tell us what this leads too, where is the story going, and what is the protangonist's challenge?

"Good" You certainly had me hooked, but you needed to follow it up. Well Done :) Keep writing.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Heheh.. this seems like a fun and funny family film. It's a simple premise but one that seems fresh and interesting. Promises lots of comedic situations.

Don't really like the title but other than that, it's great!

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Nice brevity here, but wondering if a little more info might draw in more readers for your script. I am wondering what genre your film is, as I didn't catch it in the tone of your logline. Is this a funny kids movie, a horror film, something in between? Is this story about the pet owner's relationship with the beast, or is there more to this story? What kind of journey does this guy go on?

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

haha - that would be fun to read. However I don't see the tone from this - is it a comedy, a mystery or maybe dramedy... There should be more conflict in it I think. Someone else involved maybe...or is he scared just for himself.
I also don't see it having the legs for 90 min feature. But I wouldn't think Buried was possible and it's a great movie.

As a logline I think it's too short and I don't mean the physical length of it - I want more of the story.

Kirk White (Level 5)

has potential but I need more information; is it a comedy? action? animated? fantasitcal or realistic? I think you should be able to feel the tone by reading the logline or you're just living in TV Guide territory

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a dramatic comedy. Love the protagonist's description as "enthusiastic new pet owner." Could be man or woman, young or old, regular or eccentric personality, and apparently rather naive. So much potential visual fodder. The "ever-growing exotic beast," too, elicits all sorts of colorful possibilities. Stimulating and enticing, and all in one line. Love this idea.
The title isn't reflected in the logline. Assume it'll show up in the story.
This logline is excellent.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I'm a bit torn by this logline. It sounds like it could be a funny movie along the lines of other fish-out-of-water movies, or even alien-encounter-hide-them-in-my-bedroom movies. But the logline is just too short, just too generic. What happens? Does the pet owner have an interesting job that is impacted by owning an exotic beast? Is there a love interest? What are the consequences? Is this the only beast of its kind? Etc. It seems like you've given us the first act, but I'm not certain that there's an act three in mind yet. That said, it's still a good idea, so Very Good.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The title is okay. Sounds like a kids' movie or a superhero movie. Sounds like animation of some sort...

Okay... You have the protagonist with a good descriptive. You have the beast with some good descriptives.

I'm missing the stakes, but everything else is covered. Pretty good...

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

There is not enough here. And "enthusiastic new pet owner", is he a first time pet owner or is he enthusiastic about having new pets??

You need to tell us more. This story could lead anywhere as is. "An enthusiastic new pet owner mistakenly adopts an ever-growing exotic beast....who devours the entire town....who gives birth to hundreds of babies and they take over the world...who kidnaps a beautiful woman and climbs the top of the empire state buiding.

We need more info.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

A logline needs to give more information than this. Right now this idea could be taken in any number of ways. It could be ET, Gremlins or Little Shop of Horrors, and the logline isn't clear which it is.

It does has potential, it could even be as good as those three movies, but we don't know enough to be sure.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I like this idea but I think it needs a bit more... Every time I read this logline I seem to want to add an and. So he adopts this beast and something happens but what. While I think you have a good germ for this story I don't think the logline really tells me enough to want to read the script.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

The title doesn't work well for me. I assume it is the name of the exotic beast in the story. I guess it's ok for the title to be a word that doesn't exist (although I can't think of many, Jumangi and Zuthura are it.) I guess it's just a feel thing.
That asside, I like the idea of the story. I think the logline could have used just a bit more to reinforce either a comic or horror genre feel. As is, it could go either way. Maybe if the problems caused by the beast were briefly hinted at, the reader would have a better read of the intention.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: cute, sounds like a kid's pic about dinosaurs.

logline: um... and then what? You give us a set-up here but no indication of story or events or plot.

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I like the title for this kind of story, which I assume would be a comedy/family/fantasy kind of film.

I think that in order to get a better grasp of the story, we need to know a little more about the setting. I can see the inherent problems that would come with a pet of that magnitude when one lives in an apartment building or small house.

Another question this brings to mind, is whether or not the pet owner adopts the creature without first seeing it, or is the creature still new-born and small where the new owner could have made the mistake of not knowing how big the creature can get?

This is good overall, and I'd like to read more about this to see which direction you're taking the story.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

I could have used a little more than what was written, but overall a nice logline.

I'm sure there are repercussions to this adoption, but without any listed, I feel kind of left out of the loop. Is the beast a threat to just the owner, or the whole town? Could it possible destroy the world? Unfortunately, without knowing the stakes, I would not pick this up for a read based on the logline. What happens if I pick it up, thinking that the world is in danger and it turns out the creature does some property damage. It could be easily avoided by stating a specific risk that the owner has to overcome.

Very Good.

Nikki Riles (Level 2)

You made me laugh so points for you! I love the idea of the premise and the description of your main character gives me the idea that they're a little bit clueless - which would be fun to watch. However, for the first time ever, I have to say that I wish your logline was a little bit longer. I don't know the gender of your character, the antagonist, or what's at stake. BUT based off of just this I would read the script with enthusiasm.

Olga Tremaine (Level 4)

Cool! Love it. Simple, clear. High concept, imo. The title is intriguing, makes me think about it, guessing what kind of animal is it. Great logline.

I wish you luck and hope you win, so I can read it.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

And then what happens? This is just the set-up. There needs to be a goal or obstacles or something to that accord.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: I suppose "tynormo" is the name of the exotic beast?

Reminds me of "Gremlins." Give me more of a sense of genre and tone. Is this horror? Comedy? Both? Sci-fi?

Pete Barry (Level 5)

In both content and language, it's hard not to think of Shel Silverstein. This gets right to the point, and if the title is a bit of a mash-up, the logline makes every word count. The "ever-growing" nature of the creature makes me smile, and I'm willing to check this out to see how you exploit the comic potential.

There's nothing I can think of to improve this. Well done.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title is okay, although it doesn't mean anything to me by itself.

The premise is pretty solid for a quirky story. It might be that the oversized pet thing has been done a few times, but you seem to have a slightly different angle on it.

The logline technique is pretty effective in getting the premise over quickly.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

New version of Gremlins? To much to live up to. But I'm sure this could be a fun moster movie. I wish the logline was a little longer but does it need to be? Not really. :)

Good luck to you this month.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

So far, this story wins the award for most interesting title. In my opinion, the title is a bit clunky, but it did capture my attention.

Beyond that, the logline you have provided is good, maybe a little too short and lacking in full detail. I like your idea and the situation you give to your main character. You state the pet is an "ever-growing exotic beast" but you don't state how it causes a situation for the main character. Does the beast grow into a large Godzilla-type monster, or does it turn out to be a Little Shop of Horrors-type monster that eats people?

I feel a little more detail to provide the issue for the main character would have helped this logline. As such, I am rating this logline as very good.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

1) Error free? Yep.

2) Do I know what to expect? Mostly. Sounds like a comedy, and I am getting a Gremlins-type vibe from this. How dark this story could get, however, is left to the imagination.

3) Clear character(s)/compelling goal? A compelling situation, but we are left to wonder who lies at the heart of it. The logline is short and sweet, and you could easily invest a few words to let us know what this pet owner is all about. As for the pet itself, you leave that appropriately vague.

4) Sounds like a marketable film? The title sounds like something straight out of Troma. Again, a lack of tone is making a tougher sell out of this interesting situation.

5) Do I want to read the script? Curiosity would draw me in, which is the primary goal here, but then the story may or may not keep me around.

Good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

The title doesn't tell me what this movie is about, unless that is the name of the exotic beast.

The logline doesn't really tell me what is going to happen. I mean, I could assume that there's trouble ahead if the beast keeps growing, but I think the logline could be a little stronger by hinting or telling us what this beast is doing. The pet owner also is pretty bland, I'd like to know more about him.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

Is this Gremlins? Little Shop of Horrors? Or more family-oriented like Beethoven? I am sure that you have great, original idea here, but it doesn't come across in the logline. There is nothing in the logline that shows that this is a new idea. Maybe try and be a little more specific in the future. I think your logline is too short. I feel like you really tried to keep it that way, but just know that a long line does not always have to be so short. It is better to get your script idea across than edit words.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I have not reviewed all the entries in the contest yet, but I think I will be orrect if I think that this is the shortes logline I am going to read this month.

I love it. I am going to give you an excellent, which sadly mean that my feedback is going to be worthless but because you probably like to be told that you did a great job -which it is still feedback, but it is not going to help you any kind of improbement. Well, I guess it is like they say: If ain't broken, don't fix it.

I am sure I will be seeing your entry moving to the next round, but I still want to wish you good luck.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Very 60's. Doesn't really work because it's kind of hard to pronounce the first time around.

Logline: You have the 1st sentence of a logline. But you're missing the second part. What are the stakes for the protag? What happens if he fails? These elements are what tells us what the movie will ACTUALLY be about. Without it...

I think you have a pretty good high concept. If you can complete the logline, you'll have something worth showing. Because this fails as a complete logline, I have to mark down. It would have been Very Good... but I have to give it a Good.

I do believe your logline will move to the next level, though, and I look forward to reading the 1st 10 pages.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I like the simplicity and all, but why not just a little bit more? Maybe where this beast comes from? Why it grows? It kinda reminds me of Gremlins, you could definitely add a little bit more zest to this to separate it from the pack and make it more memorable.

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

Title: This better be a comedy.

Grammar/Writing Style: Simply this: no mistakes, but little room to make them. Your logline is too short.

Genre: Comedy? Drama? Sci-fi? Historical? It could be just about anything. Let's face it, I don't know if I'm dealing with "The Blob" or "Jumanji".

Story: I feel like you have an idea for what would make a good movie poster but not a screenplay. You don't tell me anything I can really go on. There's no movement to the script. All I have is one complication. I don't know what to expect to get out of such a short logline. It feels more like a tagline/logline crossbreed, to be honest.

Interest: Seeing as I don't know what the motivation is, the plot, the setting, or anything besides, "ever-growing exotic beast", I'd have to say that I would pass on reading this.

***Reviewer's Note***: Start with the setting, maybe the other details can follow.

Title: 1/1
Grammar: 1/2
Genre: 0/1
Story: 0/3
Interest: 0/3
Am I confused? Yes: -2
Total: 0/10
Rating: Poor

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Good Premise, catchy title. Sounds like a kid's movie. I think this could use a little more description: For example middle aged agorophic pet owner. Aging hippie pet owner. Young superstitious cross dressing pet owner. Then tie the description of the pet owner, ironically, with the exotic beast. Vegetarian hippie pet owner must care for carnivorous and insatiable exotic beast. I think you have a great premise, that needs a little more about the owner and the beast to make it sound like a movie.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

That's a funny premise, but what about the story? I'd like to know how this your story stands out amongst the other creature movies. More specifics would be great. Love the title.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

TITLE
I was thinking this was a "based on a toy" movie. So I looked it up and probably discovered who the writer is...

STORY
Definite conflict potential. But this is just too vague for me. How old is the pet owner? When does this take place?

It has me thinking of "Gremlins," so I'm able to see where this script can go storywise.

CRAFT
There's no sense of mood or genre. I think it might be a family comedy -- if the pet owner is a child -- or a horror -- kind of like "Little Shops of Horrors." Or it could be a combo like "Gremlins." Whatever it is, I don't know.

OVERALL
This logline doesn't make me interested in the story or characters. I don't know what to expect from it in any form.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 3/1/2011 12:38 AM

I loved this and I really wish it was in the next round. Fantastic title.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 1:11 AM

BK --
Should have made Top 30 easily. Don't understand some of the odd scores above. Perfect amount of information to be totally intriguing.

Dan Delgado (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 1:12 AM

This was one of my highest rated entries. I would still like to read the script.

Good luck.

Barry Katz (Level 3) ~ 3/1/2011 8:42 PM

Hi all!

Thanks so much for the terrific and insightful feedback... greatly appreciated! I've actually been working on this logline for quite some time, and based on what you've provided, a new and improved one is just around the corner!

I was definitely erring on the side of brevity, based on what I've read about "high concept" films. They say one should be able to pitch it in one simple sentence, or better yet, five words... hah! Easier said than done.

Many of you inquired about the genre. It's a "family / comedy." For those who would like to read the script, please feel free to contact me. I would love some feedback! As for now, back to work on the logline. Thanks again!

Barry Katz (Level 3) ~ 3/6/2011 10:19 AM

Below is an updated logline that reveals a bit more about the story.

"In an effort to woo his sweetheart, a struggling food vendor adopts a peculiar little animal who morphs into a behemoth and quickly outgrows his welcome."

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 3/6/2011 7:57 PM

Barry - I think the same problems remain with this new version, although you've worked to provide more info. Basically, this is the first line of a two line logline.

Question: Why would the act of adopting a little animal woo his sweetheart? And what does being a struggling food vendor have to do with the story? Ultimately, the things which were missing before are still missing.

I comment here because I really like the concept - so I want you to succeed with the logline, too.

I would like to know what the story is really about. Sure, the creature is important, but there has to be something thematic that your main character must deal with. If it's about the man's relationship with the girlfriend, then how does the creature interfere with the man reaching his goal. And does he eventually discover the error of his ways because of the creature?

I look forward to hearing more.

My best,
Tim

Barry Katz (Level 3) ~ 3/8/2011 8:07 PM

Thanks for your input, Tim!

I think I'm getting closer. I'm trying to avoid a two-sentence logline, but will go that route if need be. Would love to hear your thoughts on the following:

Logline: "When his ability to raise a family is questioned, a determined underachiever adopts a peculiar little animal whose unexpected growth spurt depletes him financially, and sets him up for failure."

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 3/8/2011 9:19 PM

Barry, I've taken a stab at this and I tried to get a bit of comedic tone into it. I'm not sure if I like my own effort but I figured I'd throw it out to see if it gives you any ideas.

Tynormo
A willing loser is desperate to show his sweetheart his nurturing side. He gets an exotic animal that’s a bit too exotic, since it won’t stop growing.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 3/8/2011 9:22 PM

In looking at my own post I just realized it can be one sentence if you want:

Tynormo
A willing loser who's desperate to show his sweetheart his nurturing side gets an exotic animal that’s a bit too exotic, since it won’t stop growing.

Barry Katz (Level 3) ~ 3/9/2011 7:42 PM

Thanks, Philip! Definitely something to consider.

Below is the brief synopsis I've been using. If I can condense the brief synopsis into one line, I'll be a happy camper :)

Jerry is a culinary innovator who struggles to make ends meet. His love interest won't marry him until he can demonstrate some responsibility and growth. Jerry sets out to bedazzle her by adopting a peculiar and homely kitten, whose erratic growth pattern and voracious appetite quickly take over. As Jerry's life unravels, he grapples with the decision of keeping the destructive beast, or letting him go.

I'll keep trying and sincerely appreciate all the help!

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 3/10/2011 10:45 PM

Barry - the "keep trying" thing is the thing. Right on!

I don't think keeping your logline to one sentence is necessarily the right way to go. You have to get the important bits in there - most importantly... the Stakes. The stakes are important because they are the engine that drives the change in your protag.

Further, the stakes have to be more than deciding to keep Tynormo or not. The stakes are either his relationship with his girlfriend... or something else that hasn't been mentioned yet.

Tynormo
After his girlfriend refuses to marry him, a man decides to prove himself worthy by adopting an exotic pet. When the unusual creature grows to gigantic size and he's forced to spend all of his time caring for it, the man must choose between getting the girl or keeping "Tynormo!".

Argh - there's still something wrong... probably because I'm still not sure where you're story is meant to go.

Is it like Turner and Hooch, where Tom Hanks initially hated taking care of Hooch, but finally grew to love the monsterous doggy? If so, I think the girlfriend can't be very likable, because your protag needs to discover what it is in himself that needs fixing - but not for her sake... for himself. He'd almost certainly have to discover that she's not worth having... that the someone special isn't the girl, it's Tynormo!

But then, that might not be anything like your story.

Hopefully the logline helps get you a bit closer, though. :-)

Barry Katz (Level 3) ~ 3/11/2011 8:50 PM

Between my three features, I can honestly say I've written hundreds of loglines in an effort to pitch them. I'm still learning... that's for sure!

That being said, I'm about to unveil my very first two-sentence logline. For whatever reason, I've been resistant to using one, but a single sentence is just way too difficult to encapsulate an entire story within! :)

Tynormo: In an effort to prove he can handle responsibility, a marriage minded man takes home a peculiar little animal that nobody else wants. When the scrawny runt morphs into an oversized beast, the man is forced to either keep up with its growing needs, or admit defeat and send the beast packing.

It may not be perfect yet, but it's definitely getting better :)

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 3/11/2011 11:40 PM

Way better, Barry.

See how much more complete your logline feels after using two sentence?

I'm still a bit underwhelmed by your stakes. You hint at it (marriage), but then switch to the man having to make a choice between keep the beast or not. I know you'll figure it out.

All in all, this version is good enough (IMHO) to generate interest. And THAT is the intent of the logline. So... well done!

Heather O'Connell (Level 4) ~ 3/12/2011 7:05 AM

I like that last one. I agree with Tim about the stakes changing... does he become less interested in getting the girl and more determined to keep his pet?
I am thinking along these lines: When the scrawny runt morphs into an oversized beast, it is a fine line between impressing the girl and scaring her off.

Barry Katz (Level 3) ~ 3/12/2011 10:25 AM

Thank you! Okay, I'm taking another stab at this.

I see where my challenge is. I'm not so sure that the girlfriend needs to be part of the logline.

FACT: Jerry (the man) is a struggling entrepreneur. He's concocted a new hamburger that he thinks will take off. For now, though... he's flat broke.

FACT: Sarah (his love interest) refuses to marry him until he can prove himself capable of being a husband and father. She suggests he begins with a plant. He ends up adopting a pet instead.

FACT: Jerry has no clue that Tynormo is going to grow so large, but now he's in too deep. He sort of loses focus on Sarah, not because he doesn't love her, but because he's now focused on Tynormo and his burger business that is starting to gather momentum.

Not sure if I need to mention the girl or the nature of his business in the logline?

This is what I've come up with:

Tynormo: In an effort to prove he can handle responsibility, a struggling entrepreneur takes home a peculiar little animal that nobody else wants. When the scrawny runt morphs into an oversized beast, the man finds himself incapable of adequate care, but has already grown attached and must figure out a way.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 3/14/2011 3:55 PM

Your goal is to have a really good hook. But your example above is now too soft.

Girlfriend/Love/Marriage = Good stakes. Keep it if you can.

I think Heather came up with something along the right lines for the close. Now... how to integrate it? Hmmm... I'll try when I get home tonight.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 3/14/2011 5:16 PM

I agree with Tim that your latest version is a bit soft. For a relatively comedic high concept idea it feels like quite a wordy and slow description.

I've taken another run at this based on your additional information and other peoples' suggestions and ended up with:

Tynormo
A struggling entrepreneur, who's desperate to show his sweetheart his nurturing side, gets an unloved exotic animal that morphs into an oversized beast and tests his caring to the limit.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 3/14/2011 11:10 PM

Great job, Philip.

Any changes would qualify as minor tweaking. You've pretty much nailed it.

Well done.

Barry Katz (Level 3) ~ 3/15/2011 8:11 PM

Excellent, Philip! I came up with something similar:

Tynormo:
When his ability to provide is questioned by his girlfriend, a struggling entrepreneur sets out to prove otherwise by adopting a peculiar little animal who unexpectedly morphs into an overgrown beast, threatening to destroy all spousal credibility.

Barry Katz (Level 3) ~ 3/18/2011 8:39 AM

Apologies for the ongoing post, but I think I've nailed it! :)

Tynormo:
In an effort to show his girlfriend he can handle a family, a quirky underdog adopts a peculiar little animal who morphs into an overgrown beast and pushes the man's abilities to the max.

I'll let this one percolate for a while. It's giving me a headache :)

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 1/18/2012 4:21 PM

I like the revised logline, an I hope you wrote this. That's a movie I want to see. Tynormo