Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

My reaction: I really want to read it.

Reasons:

I can imagin how this goes. It all boils down to the excution. However, you should have giving them a better goal then mere survival.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Great logline. I can see the many complications and events. A group. A group leader who is challenged. Their trying to find other survivors. Trying to survive. And then the disease goes through a startling metamorphosis.

Makes me want to know more. Good job!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: It's good. Makes me think of zombies.

Story: I don't know how many survivors there are so I'm going to assume the numbers are small. If it is small, the group already faces extinction through the lack of food, water, and medicine.

The metamorphosis is interesting, but without knowing the details I'm not hooked. All I can visualize is a group of survivors searching for basic necessities.

Craft: It's too short and the details too few.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This captures my attention, but I wish you would have given a little more insight into the second act. "A startling metamorphosis" is kind of vague, especially because I don't know what this particular plague does. Are people turned to zombies? Do they die of some flesh-eating bug? Perhaps just giving me where the plague starts will alleviate my question.

Also, giving some insight to this plague will help set your idea apart from others, because this isn't all that fresh of a concept, so what you bring to it is really what will sell this.

This is good.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is good.

The genre is clear. Survival horror/drama.

THis is more of a premise than a logline. There's not really a protagonist or antagonist identified here. The hero's goal is obviously going to be survival, but beyond that we actually know very little about the story.

'Sole' means 1 so 'sole survivors' is a bit of an oxymoron. Anyone that was a sol survivor would be the only one.

While the premise sounds interesting and would probably be something I'd want to read/watch, I'm afraid I can't score this very high because I don't have any idea what the script is about beyond being a post-apocalyptic survival script. What happens in the first act? No idea? Second act? Third? No clue. A logline should be a succinct summary of the entire script, but this is really just the most basic frame work of an idea and no way outlines the story.

Based on what you've got here, there's no way of knowing whether or not you've got enough of a handle on the story you want to tell to fill the pages of a feature script or not.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Sole survivors? How can you have more than one sole survivor? (Well, you CAN'T)

This seems incomplete, somehow, not just because it's so short. So, if they escape the disease, what then? There surely must be something more concrete at stake than simply not getting ill?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I truly love these kinds of stories. But the problem is, your logline fits too many different stories.

You don't tell us who the protagonist, their goal, or any specific obstacles against them. We need more details.

What makes your story unique? What is this "startling metamorphosis"? What is the hook?

I have the feeling that I would love this movie, but as a logline - I want to know more.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

It's effective, but the concept you're selling isn't new. For something of this genre the writer needs to be credible, needs to show a talent for being creative and relevent; this is just to bland to inspire that confidence.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

This title is good. Captures the attention and explains the story.

Need to know more about the protagonist(s) in order to care about their quest. If the disease makes a metamorphosis, what does it change into to. Need to know more about the act 2, it feels like you are describing part of act 1 at the moment and I don't get a feel about the struggle.

Genre feels like a horror but need to know more to be definite.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This is a thin even as a set-up. Apparently all but a few people, worldwide, are wiped out by a plague and now it's mutated and could wipe them out as well. Do you have a protagonist? What does he or she do? Is she, or he a doctor, a scientist, someone who is in a position to somehow attempt to fight this oncoming disease? Is there a ticking clock, are they working with a limited amount of time? I'm pretty sure your story probably has some of these elements, but your logline didn't tell us that. For all I know, they're sitting around talking philosophy and waiting to be extincted. I think your logline needs to do a lot more work.

Good luck.

David Laffey (Level 3)

I want to hear a bit more - right now it just sounds like...almost everyone died, and the final survivors are about to die too. I'd like to hear about survivors defeating the plague, rebuilding, and when all seems good - out of nowhere the virus mutates and threatens their existence again. Also I'd like to know how this is different from "28 weeks later" - what makes your story unique? Is it something about the setting, the characters? Who is the protagonist? Adding little details like that to your logline can make all the difference.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title: Good

Logline/Craft: Logline is lacking. How many people? What is the metamorphosis? What are they going to try to do about it?

Story: This is sort of a universl theme, that can be done over and over, but I want something about this version to hook me, but there's just not enough information here.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

'Sole' means single so 'a small group' would be more accurate.
There is something anti-climatic about the concept of the story. If billions of people have been wiped out, a 'startling metamorphosis' of the plague seems not to add very much to their already tenuous hold on life. A person's will to survive must always be great but under such circumstances I wonder how important they would feel their's to be.
That aside, I think the story needs more to vitalize it. Instead of the metamorphosis merely making their plight even more desperate, how about it also offered hope? Perhaps it gives the survivors a slim opportunity to be masters of their own fate?
A good title.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Although this logline is well-written, it sounds too much like a lot of movies I have already seen. What makes it different? “In The Flesh” makes me think about zombies. Is this good or bad when it comes to this story?
.

Gavin Bale (Level 3)

Excellent. I love the short effective loglines. I don't know how exactly, but the last part starting with "makes" seems just a tad off the mark, somehow. To me. Fabulous title. I'm hyped about reading this one.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title sets the mood well. The logline is certainly concise but might benefit from a little more detail. Main character names would be a plus. I would also suggest more information about how they came to be the sole survivors.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

This could be exciting and tense - depending on who the characters are in the story. How many survivors are we talking about? Are they spread out across the globe, or in one location? This is a good teaser, but doesn't tell enough about the story.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I like apocalypse story, I like sole survivors trying to survive, I like antagonists being virus and diseases. So you get my vote for these. BUT, a big BUT, what are the survivors gonna do about the transforming disease?!

From this logline, I can just imagine the survivors sit around and chat and wait for their extinction to happen.

You need really concrete, active, and visual action verbs like "run away", "hunt", "track", "fight", etc. That gives us some ideas what our protagonists are doing.

And when you say the disease is undergoing a metamorphosis, it can be a good metamorphosis because the disease kills itself. End of story. So you might want to give more details as to what the metamorphosis will do to our sole survivors. This will heighten the stake.

Since I still like the idea, this is a GOOD.

James Pombrio (Level 2)

Very interesting and very short. I like it. It reminds me of a Michael Crichton novel. The thing that confuses me is that I'm wondering how many survivors that there actually are. Two from a plague? I'd almost say "the survivors of a global plague.." You could say "the human race faces extinction...". Good luck.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Not original and that makes it tough. You've got to find a way to make this story which has been done seem unique. Right now, it doesn't. I'm sure there is something in your script which qualifies as such. Find it and maneuver it into your logline.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

First impression: Needs more.

"The" in a title is never capitalized unless it's first.

Would have been better if you told s what the metamorphosis was, or what they have to do to prevent themselves from being caught by the disease. The logline basically needs a second and third act. You only told us the character and their problem; no way to solve or how to solve it.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

A few problems with this logline. I love brevity, but this logline is too short and has almost no informaion besides the vaguest possible. The idea is so well worn at this point you have to give us either fresh characters or new ideas and this logline doesn't promise either.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I just love the title to this one! The logline is ok, but I think it doesn't reveal enough of the story or tone. Although brevity is generally good, you could have used a few more words to get some more info across and it would have been well worth it. I think you may as well elaborate on what this metamorphosis is exactly. Right now there's just not enough revealed to tease my interest.

Good :) Well Done and keep writing.

John Piazza (Level 2)

The TITLE is pretty good in that it has relevance to your storyline and that it is a highly recognizable expression. The main problem is your LOGLINE : it gives the reader almost nothing in the way of any specifics and generates very little interest, if any. I'm not quite sure if this is a drama or a horror flick. But no matter what it is, it is far too general in nature, especially since this is a story we have seen in many different forms. We need a protagonist we can grab onto, a much more unique and spelled out antagonist - your one plus is that the stakes are high. To me, what you have here is nothing more than a very rough idea which needs to be "fleshed out" in an original and captivating way - using, preferably, just one more sentence or at most two.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Great title! (Reminds me of "Pink Floyd" but that's another matter!)

I think the actual premise is a good one, but I would like to know a little more about "the metamorphosis"? What kind of metamorphosis? Do, for example, the survivors start turning into zombies? Vampires?

Also, I think metamorphosis is too long a word for a logline.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Good job keeping your logline concise, but I feel it is lacking some crucial information. For instance, who is the hero of this movie? Why do I care about his or her fate? How does this movie stand apart from other 'end of days' movies? I think a good logline needs to be concise but pact with information as well. Including the answers to these questions might help draw in more interest from readers. LOVE your title.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Good logline but I want to know more about a plague and what kind of metamorphosis the disease makes. I also want to see who is a hero here.
So for the most part they'll be fighting the disease? I wonder if it's like the Stand by Stephen King - wondering if they made a movie based on it. I don't think so. Are you going to or it's much different to it? Probably yes but I don't see it from your logline. I think I jsut want more flesh and more story.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I'd watch this...but the logline doesn't really show what you are gonna bring to this story. where is the YOU in here? what unique style to you bring to the table?

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a horror thriller. May be more than one protagonist as several characters struggle, and perhaps die, trying to fight the resurgence of the deadly plague. Potential death is all encompassing conflict. Probably will be several personal and emotional stories amongst these survivors.
There's so much possible material in the logline. Might help to envision if there were a couple details. Maybe single out the main protagonist and identify his personal/internal conflict.
The title is visual and memorable.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

This logline sets up a rather generic post-apocalyptic movie. What makes yours different from all the other semi-zombie global-catastrophe viral-plague scripts floating around out there? I can't tell. Is it extra witty?

I can't even tell if the twist is original, because all you give me is the frustratingly vague phrase "startling metamorphosis". Okay, so something happens, but you're not willing to tell me what. How can I judge if this is going to be a good movie? The logline should lay it all out there and hook me, but this logline looks pretty generic.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Straight to point, though it might be good to know what the global plague did to begin with, to better understand the stakes when it mutates.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Love the title. Love the premise. Love the wording and writing...

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Not enough here to make me want to see this movie. Just a little more info. Are they on the run? What are they doing? Who are they? SOmething. You don't need to give the whole thing away but you do need to make it interesting enough that I'd want to go see it.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This could be interesting, but without characterisation for the characters or some more information about this plague. In its present form, this logline is quite generic.

Still, it reminds me of The Stand, and other survival/end-of-the-world movies, so it still has promise.

Michael Berg (Level 3)

It's a bit vague. Having a physical goal that the survivors need to do to stop the disease might help. How many survivors are there? What will they do to stop
from being extinct? The backstory is the global plague, but it doesn't tell us what the present day story will be about.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I think both the title and the logline were very effective. Although I like Zombie movies, I think they need to excel in order to stand out. The opening phrase of the logling could says that this has the potential to be a zombie movie, but your logline tantilizes the reader by only hinting at the metamorposis to come. This could be a zombie or the something completely different and totally surprising. By doing this, I would definitely read on to see where the story leads.
Again, the title plays the same game. It hints at something unique.
Nice job.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Please tell us what this startling metamorphosis is so we know what kind of story this is. The title indicates it might be a zombie horror and your logline should clarify that for us but you only give us a set up.

Who is your protagonist? What does she want? What is at stake? How does she try and get what she wants? What stands in her way? What is the actual story?

Nicholas Ziolkowski (Level 4)

I love the title. I really like how it works on multiple levels within the context of the story. Good job.

I'm hooked. I really want to know what the metamorphosis will be. There is so much here that you can work with, I'm really interested in finding out which direction you take this.

Hopefully, I'll get to read the first ten pages to see the development of the main characters. Good job.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

I think there is more to this than just them against the disease. I'm imagining some kind of subplot involving a group of infected government leaders bent on tracking down the "clean" people to determine how they were un effected.

While there is plenty of room for action and a deep plot, the logline itself is pretty vague. I could stand to have a bit more of your creative idea shown in the work. While survival is a very strong goal, in stories like this, there is almost always something else they need to accomplish AND survive while doing it.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

Cool and short, but you dont give enough details. Whats special about the survivors? Whats new about the mutation? Too much mystery here.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: Pretty cool, and fits this type of story.

I'm intrigued by what this metamorphosis could be, but I think this logline is too vague and covers plot-lines and themes that have been done before.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

We must be living in trying times; this is the fourth or fifth "global epidemic" story I've read.

The logline is tight, and promises the twist of the changing disease, which is a fresh element in the apocalyptic genre (although I've already mentioned Stephen King's "Cell" is one logline, where the same thing happens). It's hard to really get attached to this one, because there's no protagonist - "sole survivors" need to be expounded upon to make me care. Also, the metamorphosis isn't revealed, giving me effectively no clear indication of how this will really effect the survivors or make them "face extinction".

A clue or two more would help sell the script; you're close, but rewrite with an eye to give us a little more information.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title is fantastic.

The premise sounds like it has a lot of potential. Very short loglines are often really good, but the challenge is to tell us enough that we get a sense of what the story will be. In this case I think I'd like to know a little more about at least one of the protagonists and perhaps a bit more about what will make the disease a great antagonist.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I like short and sweet but to me this seems a little to vague. I like plague type movies but I want to know more from the logline then what you have here.

The title is probably pretty fitting...logline is just ok.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Only word that troubled me here was 'sole.' I assume we'll have more than one and even if there are a few -- will there be enough to tell that the disease is making a come back? Still, I like the brevity and clear tone and presentation. I get it right away. Nice title. Works on different levels.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

A very short and efficient logline.

The title is good and the details of the logline are really all that is needed, in my opinion. You setup a group of characters and the issue at hand. You don't give away too much detail, yet give just enough for me to know what is going on. Like I said, short and efficient.

As such, I rate this logline as excellent, and I would like to see more of what you have in store for this idea.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

1) Error free? Yep.

2) Do I know what to expect? Apocalyptic drama, more than likely some horror, and an author that seems to be "suggesting" zombies without daring to utter the dreaded word itself. I primarily mention this because that is what people are going to assume. If it is not zombies, you would be far better served by giving a few details about the metamorphosis itself.

3) Clear character(s)/compelling goal? Survival is a compelling goal, but we know absolutely nothing about a characters, and this is a bit of a flaw.

4) Sounds like a marketable film? Zombies are on the decline these days, as you can even find them on television now. That is why I say if this is NOT zombies (or their ilk), you should really make an effort to come out and say so in the logline. The title is also saying, "Hey, cannibal-types over here".

5) Do I want to read the script? Yes, this is the type of script that I would give a chance to hook me. I only wish I knew a little more about it.

Good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

The title is strong. The logline is short and to the point. However, it's a little too much to the point. Who are the survivors? Male, Female, families? How many are there? How did they survive when many people didn't?

All in all this is the shortest and most concise logline I've read so far. For that I give you a good mark. I'd like to know more about the sole survivors. Make them more personal and real. I want to be invested in the movie, as it is, I'm not, because they are nameless faceless people.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

Gotta love global plague/end of the world stories. They're always so much fun.

In this case, it sounds like you've told up until the 2nd Act catalyst. That's cool. Makes me wonder what this "metamorphosis" entails.

Trouble is, you give us nothing else about the story. All you mention is this big "Aha!" moment. We don't know what the plague is, what it does, how it does it. We only know that it's there.

The vagueness of this kind of bothers me, but it's ok because I still like the story.

Good.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Sounds kind of basic and a bit bland, honestly. It puts the story, which could be incredibly original and a brand new take on the genre, into the lump of "that kind of story" that only appeals to a particular niche or genre. Also, the logline isn't giving us much more than the bare bones essential of the story, which is that something happens. The disease makes a metamorphosis and the surviving few people face extinction. Spruce it up with some more action words, or at least give us more to work with so that we're interested.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I like what you have going here, but I think that the logline is writen a little too vague. Right now it sounds a bit like 28 weeks later. I am sure your script is nothing like that, but the logline doesn't tell me enough.

Steve Lewis (Level 3)

I like this as a logline...short and sharp, yet manages to tell me everything I need to know. The only weak spot, to me, is "sole survivors"...sounds a bit melodramatic, hard for the characters to really be sure of, and what does it really mean when applied to a group of people? If 10 people die in a city of 10 million, aren't the 9,999,990 who *don't* die all "sole survivors" if the term is applied to a group?

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Love it - I would definitely want to see this movie. I hope it involves zombies.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Not bad. Not great, but not bad.

Logline: Argh - I'm so sad this is not a complete logline. You leave me with far too little information. It's like you were trying to go for brevity instead of clarity.

Unfortunately, I can't give you advice on where to take this because there is simply too little information from which to extrapolate.

:-(

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

What's the metamorphosis?? That sounds like the hook of your logline but you left it out. This feels just barely too vague, I wish I had just a smidgeon bit more information.

Tyler Andersen (Level 2)

I think a better and more fitting title for this

movie would be "I am Legend".

A cool concept, but it's been done before.

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Good title. This sounds like the survivors are battling a disease as it mutates. Not sure how that plays out visually. This is a little too broad of a description for me.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 12:14 AM

Thanks everyone. I guess I kept this too close to my chest, but the concept is too great to just lay out to the world. I'm kinda relieved since I've only written the opening 10 pages, of course if I wrote the logline after the script was written I might've had a better logline.

Brian, when we swapped loglines it would've been nice if you mentioned all those points then, not now.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 12:15 AM

Oh and it is about zombies, sorta. :)

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 2:03 AM

This was what you sent me.

"In The Flesh
A group of plague survivors face extinction as the disease makes a startling transformation.

or maybe a bulkier version

A group of plague survivors fight to retrieve valuable resources that could mean life or death for their small colony, but find themselves facing extinction as the plague makes a startling and dangerous transformation."

This was my reply.

"I like the bulkier version more. Gives us more info and a better mental image of what the script will be like."

That was the end of the conversation because you didn't respond and this is the logline you went with.

"Sole survivors of a global plague face extinction as the disease makes a startling metamorphosis."

You went with the one I liked least (and politely told you was too vague by commenting on how the 2nd choice has more detail and drew better mental images) and added an oxymoron to it.

Sorry, this didn't advance, but I do feel like I was trying to help. Had you asked for more detail or advice, I would have been happy to be of more assistance. Thanks again for the advice on mine. I'd still be interested in reading the script if you write it.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 3/1/2011 7:16 AM

No worries Brian, I was just ribbing you. I've got the opener finished. I knew I wouldn't be able to finish this one, so it's for the best. The feedback I've received from my private review group on the opener makes it sound like it's my best work to date, but I think that's only because they're surprised that zombies can be entertaining.