Comments Made During the Contest

Abel Zerai (Level 2)

Explains the film well enough but has a lot of extra information which is unneeded and there is a hole. What's the trouble with her new fans? Is her life in danger? Are they waiting for her because her novel's are being banished? If you can answer the most important question more clearly (What does she want?) it'll be even easier to sum it all into less characters.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I think that there's a small typo: ...who have mistaken her for one of their own?

I wasn't quite sure what to make of the title at first, but I like it now I've read the logline.

The story sounds interesting. Even though you don't really say anything directly about her, I have a feeling that I'm going to like the main character based on the set up.

I think that there is a good amount of information in the logline. I know enough to be drawn in. You could probably do without the last line, though. I don't know if the location is really that immediately important.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I can't see what would make me want to read this script. Yes, you mixed up a lot of funny things together, but ... it's just spineless, if I may say. Aim for a simpler loglinge and mention the main plot only.

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

Interesting setting for sure, and the premise lends itself to a unique set of characters, so you've got a leg up there. For me, the only thing that's missing is an understanding of what Stephanie really wants. If she's tired of dealing with the hell she's created for herself, why does she keep participating? What would she prefer to be doing? I also think it would be helpful to see a glimmer of light as to how she'll get out of this -- one other "normal" person in the film who would be her anchor.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

SUMMARY:
Good title, nice idea for a comedy, the logline is a bit too long.

ITLE:
Very funny title! Definitely suggests comedy.

GENRE:
Comedy, aimed at children, young kids, girls probably. Protagonist is "dude with a problem" as the whole world conspires against her.

STORY:
Love how you set up the conflict, everything conspiring against the protagonist having a good weekend at Vamp-con. I can see many events unfold.

I thought her last name was hilarious! "Hauntings"! Superb name for a story dealing with vampires.

WRITING:
Good writing, the logline needs to be tightened, it is too long.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: This has bizarre written all over it. I'm definitely interested.

Story: I like this idea. It's original, bizarre, and funny.

I'm unsure of the joke behind the novel writing. I can understand if an author whips something up to cash in, but not as a joke.

Craft: The last sentence can be trimmed. Mentioning the location of the convention doesn't add anything to the main story.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

There's a typo, I think. Vampires is plural, but then you said, "one of her own"...I think you meant one of THEIR own. Doh! This is awesome! Love the title! Love the unabashed mocking humor, love the concept. Really a terrific job. But that typo...

And one quick question, all of these 'things' are waiting for her in Lost Vegas (love it!), the setting for her novel, but exactly why does she have to go there. If she knows all that shit is waiting for her, can't she just skip Vamp Con? Or this there some inescapable reason she has to be there? If so, I don't know about it, and therefore asked the question. Very Good job!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I love the title. Funny, catchy. Nice!

The genre is clearly an over-the-top horror comedy.

No problems with spelling, grammar or punctuation that I detected.

The protagonist, her antagonists and the obstacles she'll face are all clearly identified, but not her goal. I guess we could assume that one or more of these antagonists will put her life in jeopardy and her goal is survival, but that's a pretty big assumption to ask us to make.

What I like here is that you give us a nice overview of the entire script, which is exactly what a logline should do. I can picture, at least in general terms, all 3 acts here which is exactly what a logline should do.

I definitely get the impression that you have a good enough handle on the story you want to tell, and that the story has enough substance to it, to fill the pages of a compelling feature length script. I look forward to checking out the first 10 pages in the next round. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

This is fun! As a logline I think it's too wordy, I don't think you need to include the name of your protagonist, nor even Lost Vegas. Funny but too specific.

T think we get that this is a zany comedy without the addition of the small details.

You add extra words unnecessarily - e.g. You don't need 'now' (has to deal) when you started the sentence with 'After achieving'

It's not my genre but I still think it sounds fun.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

You have a high concept title, but then a logline that took a dump on high concept. A high concept logline should be like 15 wards or less.

"A cheesy novelist must escape a band of extraterrestrial vampires that seem to be ripped from the pages of her tawdry books."

You way to damn much information in this. The name lose it, the town and description lose it. Cut to the bone. But dammit, I'm going to give you a Good just because of that title.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great campy title.

I love the style of this logline. It all feels very fun. I do wish I knew a bit more about the actual story and what Stephanie is trying to do/get.

Still, this is very original and I hope I get to read the first ten pages.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

I'd like to stop at the title, but I need 150 characters of commentary.

It needs streamlined.
--no more than two word descriptors (adjective/noun or adverb/verb pairings); some of your descriptions are their own sentences.
--some things are obvious and speak for themselves; cult-following and VampCon festival go hand-in-hand
--keep it down to the most pertent and compelling facts; don't interupt the crazy details to mention Lost Vegas, Fl--tell us more about where this is going!

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Wow what a great title... you had me at Vampire Showgirls.

I like the setup with the accidental successful author but not sure what the inciting incident is that provokes the problems and leads to complications. It all sounds pretty crazy but in a good way but I would like to feel the protagonist has a real goal in all this mayhem.

It feels like a comedy genre and if the pitch is reworded it would promote the film better.

Claire Fishman (Level 3)

I see what you're doing here. haha. I like this a lot (and not just because I hate vampire romance novels). The story sounds hilarious and totally fun, and the logline does it great justice - it has the same energy and absurdity that the plot has. It also gives just enough information to totally hook someone. My only gripe would be that second sentence; the description of the Vamp-con is a bit irrelevant. I think you should keep the fact that it's a Vamp-con, because that alone is fine, and work it into the first sentence, but everything else you could probably ditch. But that aside, I'm already loving it. :)

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

You've got an interesting set-up with lots of potential for humor and a hint of story, but if that's all there is to it, it's a little thin. But I don't think it's thin, I just don't think you told me what your story is really about.

My guess is the story is driven by the "extraterrestrial vampires", but if that's true you just mention as part of the set-up, another one of the nuisances and, in my opinion, that's not enough.

You need to answer the question: "What's your story about?"

Good luck.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

I love the fun ones, and VSOS sounds like an absolute blast. There's not much to say about this one because I think you've done an excellent job of capturing your story's style, tone, and basic storyline. Well done.

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title: Very Good! You get a feel for exactly what kind of script this is going to be.

Logline: Very good! It stays true to the title. This is obviously setting up for a wacky comedy, my only concern is that there is so much here I'm worried about how any writer can pull it off successfully. Eventhough it hints of some already done plotlines, the mishmash makes me unable to actually recall anything fairly that it reminds me of. I am certainly intrigued.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

In view of Blake Snyder’s advice in ‘Save The Cat!’, I do wonder if a 'band of extraterrestrial vampires' may be one idea too far: vampires or aliens but not both. Maybe if they were harmless loonies playacting this role then it would be more credible.
As it is the logline depends upon a crazy set of characters thrown together and tipped into a pot called 'Lost Vegas' with the hope that the resulting strange brew will prove entertaining.
I feel that there is a lack of structure to the plot. If there was one dominant objective that 'Stephanie P. Hauntings' must achieve at the 'Vamp-con', then there would be a better focus to what now appears as merely a recipe fo mayhem.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Personally, I don’t like the title but it does sound original. However, “showgirls” are not mentioned at all in the logline so I don’t know how appropriate the title is for the story. The story also sounds original and I have to commend the writer for that. However, in my opinion, the logline is too long and could benefit from some shortening. Also, it is not necessary to mention a character name.

Consider shortening the logline to something like: A novelist writes a novel as a joke. When she attends a festival in the small town that serves as the setting for her novel, she discovers it has developed a cult following. In addition to rabid fans, she must also deal with a lovesick stalker and a band of extraterrestrial vampires.”

Gavin Bale (Level 3)

You have a good imagination, but I'm going to be honest - the title sounds like a soft-core porn flick on late night cable. The logline seems too long and grammatically awkward. I think ending it after the first sentence would make the entire thing much much better. The second part is superfluous and reveals unnecessary details about the plot. In fact, the first part is pretty solid and interesting. (her should be replaced with their). Sorry for being so harsh, but it's with good intentions. I hope I gave you some helpful tips, and of course, this is just my opinion.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

Interesting and fun title. The logline itself is very good. I like that you've included the protagonist's names and I like her last name. You've included enough details to gain interest without giving away too much. I beleive however, that you mean "one of their own" and not "one of her own".

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

This logline is very well written. I expect it would be a comedy, or maybe a dark comedy. I don't know a whole lot about the character except that she's smart. This could be very interesting!

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I definitely get the campy style vibe from both the title and the logline. The logline can be trimmed though. Right now it has a period in the middle where it doesn't need one. But details such as names can be taken out.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

First impression: Surprisingly caught me off guard.

This actually seems really good. I rolled my eyes at the title, but when I got through the logline I felt bad. Very solid logline and interesting logline. I don't really know what an "extraterrestrial vampire" is though. Is that just a regular vampire? I don;t know, but I love the logline and am really feeling the story.

Excellent.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

From the title I thought the logline was going to be a bit kookier. It sounds like a pretty promising premise. I like the idea of somebody writing a book series as a joke and it explodes into popularity. The rest of the logline seems like fun, but with most ideas like this it's all going to be in the execution. I hope to ee this one make it through.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Wow, so much packed into this logline, there are element's I like, but it's not without it's problems.

I find the idea that the protagonist wrote a series of books as a jokereally sticks out like a sore thumb. Who would possibly want to write an entire series a joke!?! I just can't buy this idea and it throws me out right at the beginning of the logline which is a problem.

I like the idea of "extraterrestrial vampires who have mistaken her for one of her own", but I'm concered that it's very similar to the concept of "Galaxy Quest", even down to the convention.

Lastly, I'd suggest that you try and tighten your logline to focus more directly on the protagonist's journey, at the moment it's a bit messy, besides, you haven't hinted at the protagonist having any flaw or goal, it would be sad for her to be reluctently dragged trough the plot rather that her being an instigating factor in it.

Lots of interesting ideas here and plenty of flair, well done :)

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This has the trappings of a Blockbuster summer comedy. A magnificent title and a wonderful Logline that contains all the necessary infomation to create an effective hook. The goofyness of the old school goofball comedies rubs off well in this description, and remakes are in vogue at the moment, so this would hit very well. I really can't say anything else other than I hope to read the first ten pages of this. Excellent work. Cheers and Good Luck.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I wonder what a "cult following" is.
Somehow there's no enough conflict for me. I know it's funny - she doesn't expect them to wait for her (by the way does she expect them or she doesn't really know that they are all real?) and then she goes to the festival and they are all real. I'm just thinking maybe you could get us deeper into the story with your logline. Otherwise I see maybe thirty to fifty pages of the story but not more than that. It's still a fun story I think.

Kirk White (Level 5)

perfect logline. I can see the entire concept from it. Great title. giving an Excellent

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a comedic fantasy. Protagonist Stephanie P. Hauntings (terrific character name) has plenty of external conflict in her life. Crazy fans, a stalker, and all those vampires converging in one town (also with a terrific name). So much visual fodder. Perhaps Stephanie has a budding romance; a normal guy who is having lots of trouble dealing with all her attention might provide a breather from all the fun insanity.
The title is "a killer." It's catchy, full of visual potential, and memorable.
The logline is excellent.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I wonder if there's one too many puns in the title and logline. After a while, it just seems like you're trying to pull a joke on the reader... "Haha! This script doesn't exist. I just wanted to see if you'd think it does." There's more to humor than punning around, of course, but I think the reader is going to need some reassurance that you know that. Otherwise the script will turn out to be an unfunny one-trick pony.

My advice is to tone down the logline a bit, or inject other kinds of humor. As is, Very Good.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I love the title.

I think I'd use an ellipsis instead of a period between "own" and "And." It somehow justifies starting a sentence with the word "and..." For me anyway...

This sounds like a lot of fun.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This is very wordy and in the end, I have no clue as to what type of action this film will have. It sounds quirky and has my attention but a little hint on what she'll be up against might really pull me in. Right now I'm on the fence.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Normally I would say we don't need to know her name, but I think "Stephanie P. Hauntings" is hilarious and sets the tone really well.

Good title.

I like how you bring all the elements together in one place, it adds a ticking clock down to the inevitable conflict when these separate characters all meet.

Very good.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I was not ready to like this because of the title and because of the length of the logline. However, you turned my head. Though I think it could probably be condensed a wee bit - I pretty much agree that you need most of that information there. Hope you get through to the next round.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

I think you have done a good job with both the logline and title. The title strikes a nice, quirky vibe and prepares me for the absurdity of Stephanie's story. A good amount of information helps me see the possiblities for an interesting and complex story. Gave this a very good. Good luck.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: Hilarious! Made me laugh. Tells us exactly what this is about and is obviously a comedy with perhaps some horror thrown in.

Logline: first off, the concept of alien vampires is great and immediately has my attention. There is mainly only set-up though in this logline. It is unclear what Stephanie's goal is or what's at stake (ha-ha).

If you could get that in there I think you'd have a brilliant logline here. For example -
why is she going to the festival - is a new book deal in the offing, a TV show deal - something that she has to be there for? And what to the aliens want with her? To steal her away? To make her their ruler? Give us a plot and you've got a winner.

This is hard to score because the idea and premise is better than a lot of good I've handed out but the lack of story and plot means it doesn't quite warrant a V. good. hmmmm....

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

The title says a lot, but it sounds terrible.

This kind of sounds like "Galaxy Quest." But with vampires.

That first sentence goes on for nearly two and a half lines. Try trimming out some of the unnecessary details like: "that she wrote as a joke," and "who have mistaken her for one of her own." These details shouldn't really be revealed just yet. Don't ruin the surprise

Patrick Zampetti (Level 1)

Where can I buy tickets to this? It just sounds great and there is certainly enough there to take it in many directions including one where the horror aspects work as a legit horror film followed up by sidesplitting comedy. It does have a Scott Adams / Tom Robins feel to it but overall I think it would be a lot of fun. Congratulations and best of luck in the contest. I hope you do well.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

So don't go. Not that much of a problem. what's at stake here and what is her goal? I actually like the concept, but there's no structure to this. No reason.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: Fun, in that campy 70's and 80's type of way.

This seems like a blast, a lotta fun. Very original. I actually might change the title, but maintain that comedic vibe to it.

Excellent logline.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

Well, the inspiration for your main character is clear, and who wouldn't want to see that other "Stephanie" attacked by rabid fans and then taken away to the mothership? (Actually, I do know the answer to that - every woman on earth.)

So you've got a story at heart that I can like, and I can see it all done in a mockumentary style, and if you were thinking it, congratulations, you're the first person in the contest who didn't feel that need to write "this is a mockumetary" on your mockumentary logline.

It doesn't quite get my blood pumping, or get any belly laughs out of me - I put that blame on the fact that Stephanie doesn't actually do anything other than "deal". How about "fight off" rabid fans, or "defend her life against" them? The whole thing is over-the-top anyway, you might as well use some over-the-top verbs.

Suffice to say, it's dripping in fantastic setup. Active verbs would probably make all the difference in this one - supply Stephanie with real actions, and you'll have a winner.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title is fantastic for a comedy concept.

The premise sounds good to me. I was initially a little disappointed that it wasn't going to be the story promised by the title! Then I noticed that they do turn up so that makes me feel better.

On the logline technique, this works pretty well for me. I wonder if you need the second sentence, since it seems to be background details. Also I'm not getting a sense of what the wider stakes will be, so you could consider including that.

Razvan Badea (Level 3)

This sounds like a really stupid comedy (I mean it in a good way). I would probably watch for the outrageous premise and the obvious Twilight parody with some random aliens thrown in. The idea is nothing new (conceptually), it has been done before (it has an 80's feel to it with updated references), but it sounds fun and I'm hoping it'll be funny as well.
The title is really out there, but it tells you exactly what you're going to get - vampires, Vegas and aliens. So it relates to the story and it certainly draws your attention. If that's a good thing or not, that depends on the one who's reading it. Some people would think it's stupid in a fun way (like I did) while others would think it's just stupid and turn away from it. It's a love or hate it thing.
The only problem I had with this was that the logline is a bit too long. Then again, I don't really see how you could shorten it and get everything in there (the title is one way, I guess, but what avbout the logline?).

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

Vampire Showgirls from Outer Space, now were talking :-)...

What I don't like with stories like this is that it sounds like you want to poke fun at this type of story, yet it begins to follow along the same lines your poking fun at. I've give this a FAIR.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

As a logline, this is filled with more detail than it needs to be. This is not to say it's bad, just a little overstuffed. I like the unusual elements you mention in the story and it has a very original feel. I did enjoy a lot of the detail you provided and would be interested in seeing how you tackle all the material listed. Overall this is a good logline.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

1) Error free? It is "one of THEIR own", but otherwise OK. I am not sure about adding the full name of the author (even the middle initial?). And that title. You are going for outrageous, sure -- but by doing so you have undermined yourself by not making it outrageous enough.

2) Do I know what to expect? Pretty clearly an over-the-top comedy, but just how wild things are going to get remains a mystery. When you have vampires, bloodletting tends to follow.

3) Clear character(s)/compelling goal? Our main character is well-defined, and while you give her a laundry list of stuff to contend with, we do not know what she really wants. This is more of a "stuff that happens" logline without setting up a central conflict to resolve. I would leave out all the stuff about the fake Florida town.

4) Sounds like a marketable film? You can almost see that title on the NetFlix Instant Play, can't you? Make it even more outrageous and your odds will only improve.

5) Do I want to read the script? This has got to be campy, and it needs to be campy right out of the gate. I would want to look out of curiosity, but if the first pages are Stephanie chatting with her girlfriends and stuff like that, I will already be gone.

Good.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

The misspellings in the logline immediately turn me off from this script. It could be GONE WITH THE WIND with alien vampires but a misspelled logline scares me about what I might find on the pages within . A logline is your scripts calling card and any imperfections will carry over into your script whether that literally do or not. Besides that, the story sound very convuluted and stumbly. This is one instance where I think too much detail is given.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

The title is a hoot and I think it is really strong.

The logline is very good. I don't really like her name, it's a bit cheesy, as is Lost Vegas, but the story itself sounds really fun and I'd like to read more.


I gave you a very good. I hope it moves forward.

Sean Chipman (Level 4)

Well, this definitely sounds like one of those odd stories. Lots of puns and lots of mistaken identity. Sometimes it works, alot of times it doesn't, so we'll see.

As a logline, it doesn't grab me at all. I have no interest in reading this script based on the information provided. Luckily for the logline, there's no real grammatical problems. I mean, you did start a sentence with "and", but who hasn't, so no points taken off.

It's just very average and will be marked as such.

Good.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

LOVE the title. Suggest losing the protagonist's name and last sentence.

After achieving a cult following for the fantasy novel series that she wrote as a joke, an beleaguered author has to fend off a pack of rabid fans, a lovesick stalker and a band of extraterrestrial vampires who have mistaken her for one of her own -- and they are all waiting for her at Vamp-con this weekend.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: The awesomest. Love it.

Logline: I think that if you left out everything after "...one of her own", it would be better. Not perfect, but certainly, but it wouldn't feel like you lost track of your goal.

This is Very Good! It'll certainly move to the next level.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Shouldn't it be "Vamp-Con"? This definitely sounds fun and original, although a bit too Twilighty, why not make it your own story instead of parodying those terrible books?

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

Title: This is catchy. It sounds somewhat difficult to pull off (horror and sci-fi mixed like that) but it sounds like something a teenage/college-age audience would enjoy.

Grammar/Writing Style: You mistakenly used the word "her" when you meant to put "their", referring to the extraterrestrial vampires. You shouldn't start a sentence with the word and. In fact, I think that the second sentence is unnecessary and should be removed. We don't need to know about the climax in the logline, just the conflict.

Genre: Horror (vampires), Sci-fi (extraterrestrial), Comedy/Parody ("joke" and the obvious Twilight franchise reference), It looks enjoyable enough, no matter how you choose to go about it.

Story: I like the premise. It shows a new perspective on the art of lampoon. You also chose something to real in the proper viewing audience. A mix of satire on current pop culture and awesome sci-fi/action sequences will prove to be a perfect mix for the demographic you are trying to reach. You may have revealed a little too much though. Be careful with that.

Interest: I'm a part of that demographic I mentioned. Therefore, based on what I said before, I would definitely be keeping my eye on this piece.

Title: 1/1
Grammar: 0/2
Genre: 1/1
Story: 2/3
Interest: 3/3
Total: 7/10
Rating: Very Good

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Catchy Titile: Whole thing sounds campy and fun. Good description or character and situation and finale at the Vamp Con. Overall sounds fun, and commercial...

Comments Made After the Contest