Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

I like the concept. but you failed to mention why she's away from him in the first place. Maybe I didn't understand it right.

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

SUMMARY:
Poor title, well-written logline, not a hugely original idea, similar things have been done before. The movie would appeal to all ages and genders and budget needed wouldn't be too big. Its unoriginality doesn't inspire me, I wouldn't go out to see the movie.

TITLE:
The title is a bit generic. And it is not what the story is about.

LOGLINE:

IS IT SHORT?
Short enough.

CAN IT BE PRONOUNCED EASILY?
Yes. Well-written line.

DOES IT PUT PICTURES IN MY HEAD OF A FULL MOVIE?
Yes. I can see lots of complications play out. The daughter having a boyfriend the father doesn't yet know about, et cetera. The logline definitely suggests a movie.

GENRE:
Disaster movie/dude with a problem. Four quadrants/tentpole: young and old audience and men and women would be target for this movie.

PROTAGONIST:
Widowed father.

ANTAGONIST:
The viral outbreak.

INCITING EVENT:
The viral outbreak.

IRONY:
Not a lot of irony. We can guess how it will end; father will rescue his daughter. Happy ending, no irony.

FRESH SLANT:
Not a lot. It feels very similar to all the other movies made where a natural disaster hits humanity. This is average Hollywood fare. Which can be a good thing. I think it might be successful at the box office. But it is uninspired, there is no twist to the story.

BUDGET: (many locations, special effects, historic)
Not necessarily a huge budget would be needed, but it would probably need a reasonably sizable cast.

TYPOS:
None, well-written.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Title: Sounds like an all around horror flick.

Story: I like it. It feels like "28 Days Later".

Despite my fondness for feral mutants with axes, your logline lacks impact. It's not enough to rescue the daughter. Her rescue has to serve some importance. Is the father or daughter a key to finding the cure? "Find the daughter, save the world", that sort of thing.

Craft: It's well written and filled with detail.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm no entirely sold on the title, but I'll reserve judgement on that. I just don't see exactly how it ties to your logline, unless the virus is the spawn of evil...

The logline seems to hit the right notes. Saying the father does the things he does almost takes out the tension that he can do them, so maybe include the word 'must'? Just a thought.

Another thing I find a little off is the list. It's like he has to evade the police, then after that he outsmarts other survivors, only to find that he now has to fight off the infected, and then find his daughter. I'm thinking that these aren't chronological road blocks, but that everything is happening at once, but the logline doesn't make that too clear.

You have a clear protagonist, with a goal, and obstacles to stop him. You have a ticking clock, and you've given me the setting and the genre. Nice work. So why isn't it popping out at me? Probably the title and the use of the list.

I'm voting Very Good.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Okay - there are rather a lot of loglines in this contest along the same lines - there are rather a lot of films already out there that are along the same lines.

However, as loglines go, this is well-constructed and gives a complete sense of a dramatic story.

The title is well-matched to the story.

Shame I don't like this genre that much but it won't affect my grading!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Nice avoiding of the Zombies, but I'm sure everyone has seen through it. Not a bad logline though. Title isn't half bad wither. See you in the top 30... I hope.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

You had me at "zombie" movie, only for some reason, you seem to be going out of your way to not use the word zombie. There is a "viral outbreak" and "feral infected" and a "pandemic". Embrace the world you are creating, but take a moment to tell us what makes this zombie movie different/special.

As it is, I am definitely intrigued and I want to see if this father succeeds (although it's hard to imagine he won't). So, for me, what's missing here is what makes this movie unique. I think if you can tell us that, this could be excellent.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

It's a great summary, but it just doesn't tantalize.

There's nothing to suggest it's special. Maybe if there was a unique element to the plot, or something about the characters/situation that is extra compelling.

Clay Blincoe (Level 2)

I would shorten the logline a bit, a tad too lengthy. I would get ride of the "casualty of the pandemic", I believe the statement is implied when her father is searching for her. No father wants their child to die.

Apocalypse films are very interesting, so I believe the story has potential.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This one has an advantage over a lot of the zombie-type loglines, because it has something more than just somebody trying to survive. It's always a lot more compelling when someone risks himself for the good of someone else. The fact that this is his daughter makes it even stronger.

The only problem is the storyline is very familiar (not only in the contest, but all the over the Internet). In my opinion it probably needs a twist to set it apart from the herd. But the father-daughter angle helps.

Good luck.

David Birch (Level 5)

while this isn't my favorite genre (in fact, it's probably closer to my least favorite)...you did a really good job laying out your story while keeping a tight delivery...just right...my only suggestion would be to drop the "feral infected" because it overlaps with "desperate survivors" a bit...i'd go with something like..."...a widowed father evaded desperate survivors and corrupt police in an effort to find his teenage daughter before she becomes a casualty of the pandemic."...anyway, good luck in the vote!!

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Title: Very Good

Logline/Craft: Logine is good. Contains almost all of the necessary elements, including a ticking clock. Consise, effective writing. Craft is excellent.

Story: It's been done. It is a sort of a universl theme, that can be done over and over, but I want something about this version to hook me, and I can't see the hook. Perhaps adding something about him, or his daughter, that makes one an interesting character might do it. Maybe he hasn't seen her in years and isn't sure what she looks like or if she will recogize him. Maybe she's actually trying to get away from him for some reason so is making it even harder. Tell me something about him to make me care.

Ed Jones (Level 4)

A good title for a theme of disaster and survival. The story has all the ingredients but they are the ingredients of all disaster stories. There is nothing to suggest this is different to the others.
The logline is a long sentence which reads like a list and the hook, for me, has no allure. It needs something more than 'before she becomes a casualty'; something specific to her that makes us care more about her than any of the 'other survivors'.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I rated this VERY GOOD and it sounds like an intriguing story but there is too much going on in the logline. I had to read it several times to digest it. Consider simplifying it to: “When a viral outbreak plunges civilization into anarchy, a widowed father must find his teenaged daughter before she becomes a casualty of the pandemic.

Gavin Bale (Level 3)

The first line is fantastic. The rest of it is good, but even as short as it is, somehow it seems too detailed. I'm not sure why. After reading it several times, the only reason it seems that way to me, is the possible overuse of adjectives. I think. I feel like the middle part can be compressed to help with the flow, which is already good, but could be great with some editing. Like the title a lot.

Greg Tonnon (Level 5)

The title sets the tone well. The plot is interesting and your logline is concise with no wated words. My only suggestion would be to include the protagonist's name and to break the logline into two sentences.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

Even though I would not want to see this film, I think the log line is very well written. Actually, maybe I would want to see it, as long as it was not too gory. The way it is written, though, suggests a lot of gore.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I liked this logline and this story. It's simple yet effective. But it reminds me of many other apocalypse stories like The Road and what not.

Although I can't find any flaws in this logline, a fresher take or an unique twist added will lift this up one higher.

VERY GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

The title didn't seem to add anything to the logline. It didn't give me any more flavor of the story.

The logline was clearly written. The story sounds like some other storis such as the tv show the walking dead, the recent movie the road, etc. I was looking for something in this logline that differentiates it from other similar stories. the straightforward logline didn't give me that extra indication. This left me at a Good for the logline.

James Pombrio (Level 2)

Hi,

Very interesting story idea. I would read that if it were a book and I'm sure it would be a good movie. I only had one problem with it and that was the length. Shoot for 30 words. Twenty-five would be even better. The father has a huge stake because if he loses his child he has nothing else (he is widowed as you say). I am not sure the title fits though for some reason because I'm really focused on what the father has to lose and your title seems more focused on what he goes through to get there. All Things Evil sounds like a horror movie from the title but an action adventure/sci fi type thriller from the logline.

Good luck.

James

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very good! While this logline sentence is long, it is certainly justifiable. I feel like each and every phrase brings me to a place where I want to know more.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

First impression: Strong logline.

You tell us every thing we need to now.

Who is this man: A widowed father.

What is he doing: Running around in a zombie crazed land.

How is he doing it: outsmarting people

Why is he doing it: To get his daughter back.

Perfect. I have a clear idea on what I'm going to be reading, but you gave no shocking twist away so nothing is spoiled for me.

Excellent job.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

It's a prett solid logline and it explains well enough what the story will be about. The idea is simple and well worn of late. Your logline doesn't say if your putting some new spin into it, but I hope so because there are a lot of these type storie floating around, even in this contest.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

The title's great, the logline has everything a logline should, I feel the only problem (although a small one) is a lack of originality. It needs some element that hasn't been explored on film before, or at least hasn't been explored recently or prominantly. At the moment this feels too much like "another" summer action/popcorn flick without much to distinquish itself.

Very Good :) Well done :)

Jeroen Bouva (Level 3)

Setting clear, short effective lead description, description of some of the action and obstacles and a clear goal. Everything is here and well structured and written. If I have to name the least good part, it's the story. The logline doesn't reveal anything unique compared to similar stories.

Jessica Burde (Level 3)

Title is decent - doesn't grab me, but isn't off putting or confuse.

Logline feels a bit to 'busy' - by the time I've gotten through the list of things the father needs to overcome, I need to reread the beginning to remind myself how it started. Otherwise, setting is clear, conflict is definitely defined, and layout of the situation already has the reader rooting for the character to succeed.

Story is a potentially powerful one, genre is clearly laid out, and I want to find out what happens.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This sounds like something we've seen a lot before. This is a plot/genre that has proven it's longevity but even so you need some kind of hook or something that makes this version of it unique and I don't see that in this logline.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I think your title is good one. I also think your logline is a little too long for my liking.

For example, the part: "a casualty of the pandemic" is redundant -- we already know there's a pandemic.

Your logline also feels a little like a list -- "corrupt police", "desperate survivors", "feral"? -- a little overkill, perhaps?

I would remove one of the above to keep the logline trim. Personally, I think the "corrupt police" sounds interesting, certainly makes your script stand out against the glut of other "post-apocalyptic" stories out there.

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

What makes this stand out from other zombie movies? Figuring out what makes this movie different and highlighting it in your logline would strengthen the logline and improve your chances of being read. I appreciate your brevity and your logline is well written. I just need a stronger hook.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This reminds me of "The Road" and as such - a protective farther, his child, casualty of the pandemic in your case... - nicely written I think. Tight, up to the point. Seems like an action movie too, fast paced.
I steer away from movies like this, because there's no depth in them I think, but your logline is good and answers the requirements - tone's there, conflict, antag and protag etc...

I'm not crazy about the title though.

Kirk White (Level 5)

a very well-tred genre and story. but man, what a genre and story. Strong logline, solid title; giving a very good.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

This story appears to be a thriller. The widowed protagonist may have an interesting occupation that helps him evade all the danger from the devastation. Maybe the daughter encounters another teenager, a boy, and they simultaneously try to find her father. A subplot with love would provide a break from all the death and destruction. So many visual possibilities.
There are other movies of the same kind, so the story needs a unique hook to set itself apart. Maybe an unusual location. Probably could condense a tad by omitting the reference to the daughter becoming a casualty; would think that possibility is a given. Ending with, "in an effort to find his (missing?) teenage daughter" might be stronger.
The title fits and is clearly pulled from the logline.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

This journey-through-zombie-to-reunion idea has come up quite a bit, both in this contest and in recent screenplays of late. I don't get any sense of how your story is going to stand out from the crowd: what makes it different? Is it a comedy like Zombieland? Or an action pic like War of the Worlds? The logline is well crafted and well written, but frustratingly generic.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title a lot.

Very well-written logline. Interesting story, though it's reminding me of "The Walking Dead." If you make it to the next stage, and you definitely could, keep it unique.

Nice work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Your logline is good but the story idea feels a bit familiar. Actually it makes me think of several different films. But its got me interested and I'm sure you've put an original spin on the viral outbreak thing. Very good job on your logline.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This sounds similar to many other pandemic/disaster movies, even down to the "feral infected part" and having to find his daughter. There should be something to show that this idea is at least partially original, maybe something we've seen before but presented in a new way.

This might be present in the screenplay, it's just that this logline comes across as generic. Good.

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

The logline is well written and the title is ok, but doesn't 'pop' for me. I guess my biggest problem is that the story isn't standing out from other similar story lines. It needs to add something to grab me. Maybe in the character of the father, or the specifics of this post apocolyptic world. Something needs to be hinted at to make it stand out a little bit more in the logline.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Very well constructed logline, all the elements in place - goal, stakes, obstacles - and a good take on the zombie/apocalyptic genre.

The title is not brilliant though, unoriginal and a bit generic.

The story itself is not too original but you have written a very solid logline.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

A good logline, but kind of an unoriginal idea. While your story may be vastly different from other stories like this, the logline does not indicate as much. What sets your story apart from the others like it? What makes your character so interesting that someone would want to spend two hours with him on this journey?

What is the timeframe of this story? Clearly, time (or lack of it) is a big part of your story, but I'm not getting a sense for how long this takes place.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I like this one except for one thing. The father-daughter connection is too tangient. Too obvious. Other than that very good.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Title: I really like the title, but the story must match its dark and sinister tone.

In terms of logline structure and presentation, this is well done. It's a bit of a run-on sentence, but it's clear, free of typos, and easy to follow. I know the protagonist, the goals, the stakes, etc. Great job with that.

In terms of story, these post-apocalyptic, zombie, or viral outbreak stories are everywhere. I mean everywhere. I'm not sure if I see anything here that differentiates it from its predecessors. Normally the protagonist takes a journey somewhere, they can never stay put; the government and police are corrupt, etc.

I think your story needs a different hook and it has to be included in the logline. If your story is without that hook, then I'd take steps to develop one.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

The story is gripping and chilling; although I feel I've seen this one before (say, Stephen King's "Cell"), I'm ready to see a fresh take on the material. While at first I was thrown by "corrupt police" and "other desperate survivors" - one seemed incompatible with "anarchy" until I considered that the event had only just occurred, and the other seemed cruel, but perhaps in a societal breakdown other survivors become dangerous.

One way or another, you've painted a gruesome picture, and I'd love to read the first ten pages.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The title is very effective, although it does give you a high benchmark to aim for.

The premise is pretty strong, but it should be since it is quite a common basis for movies. That being the case you can set yourself apart from the crowd with a fresh spin, and based on your logline I'm not sure that I see one.

The logline technique works well in describing the concept. I'd suggest giving us an idea what flaw the protagonist might have to overcome. Also I'm not sure that you need "before she becomes a casualty of the pandemic".

Richard Buckley (Level 4)

I like your title.

When it comes to the logline, i feel it's a little difficult to get through being all one sentence. The idea itself doesn't really give me anything fresh either. I'll give this a GOOD.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Not a comedy. I like the descriptive words chosen for describing the action. A man on a quest movie brings a clear hero and a clear goal. The struggles he'll face make him honorable as well. While this is good, it could be better by having the daughter need to be saved for a reason other than failing to the pandemic. Maybe she's held by the corrupt police as a safeguard to start a new community after the outbreak kills off the current population and her Father can't let that happen.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

I felt this was a good logline overall. The main issue I have is regarding the challenges that the widowed father must deal with through the course of your story. According to the logline description: the widowed father evades, outsmarts and fends off the obstacles he comes across in this story. As that information has been provided, the tension that should come from reading this feature has been removed as I know he will avoid the obstacles listed. With that being my major issue, I also am drawn to the situation you have provided and would look forward to reading more of this idea. You provided enough information and detail that I am curious enough to hope that there would be some surprise within this script that may make me enjoy it. Overall, a good logline.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

1) Error free? Yep.

2) Do I know what to expect? Yes -- but it sounds like the author is struggling to avoid the zombie pigeonhole when that is essentially what we have going on here, and trying to put a new spin on that genre is tough. You really need something fresh in the scenario, and this logline does not yet have it.

3) Clear character(s)/compelling goal? All we know about the primary character is that his wife is gone -- and they almost always are -- but his goal is instantly relatable. The only details we have as to the story, however, are the same obstacles faced in other similar stories. There needs to be another element at work here -- some new angle -- that compels the reader to look, even if they are already a fan of this genre.

4) Sounds like a marketable film? This logline does not reveal enough to speculate. The zombie genre is getting tired and crowded, but the fans do rush to a new approach they have not already seen. If you do have something fresh here, and "the feral infected" are not a euphemism for "zombies", then that definitely belongs in the longline.

5) Do I want to read the script? I would peek, as I do like zombies, but the early pages would have to be awesome -- offering me something I have never seen before -- to draw me in.

Good.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I think that this seems like a good idea. I kinda wonder if it is zombe-esque though. If so, it resembles The Walking Dead. Overall, the logline is well written and concise. I am not sure if I am "all in" when I comes to the story itself.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Not too bad.

Logline: Aside from it being a VERY long run on sentence, you've done all right.

The story comes across as one that is familiar. That might be a problem.

But overall, I think this is Very Good!

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Sounds really generic. Like this is the template for which all apocalyptic zombie movies are based from. That's not a bad thing, I suppose, since you've filtered it down to the bare essentials. But zombie movies have been the biggest cliche in the world recently and yours brings nothing new. And it's a shame because this is a really well-written logline.

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

In a way this sounds like a zombie movie, the trick here will be, since it is a pandemic, the main character will pretty much need to avoid others out of fear of being infected. Could be similar to The Stand, where some were immune to the disease, in which case it would work. I am surprised that during a pandemic, police corruption is an issue.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

What else is at stake? We've seen these movies before in both horror and drama. Why is yours so unique? We need to know that it stands above the rest.

Give us a little more detail. Why the father only wants to save one among money, we need to have a better idea of why this is the case.

Excellent title!

William Wilson (Level 3)

Wow the idea sounds like its been done before a billion times but the title and the way in which the logline just flows so fluently is truly amazing...

And just for the fact that the logline was so perfectly crafted and perfectly lined out the way it was I would gladly like to see this logline move onto the next round and if my logline doesnt win I would gladly accept the fact that this one was better crafted and would have no issue losing to this one haha

I'm giving this one an "Excellent"

Comments Made After the Contest