Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

I'm noticing more people have a copyright notice on their title page. I'd get rid of that. It signals trouble to potential producers, an indication you might sue them. Every one has ideas all the time. No one will steal yours. You own the copyright on the screenplay any way. It looks like something a beginner will do, and a reader might put down your story immediately without reading one sentence.

The beginning is funny though! I can see that being animated quite easily!

The dialogue is hilarious also!

Superb story! Blue dot wants to get out, decides to try, succeeds. Emotional unraveling, yellow has seen it and now wants too.

Well-written. I can see the whole animation come to life in my head.

You got five pages but used just four. I think that was a good choice. Better to not stretch the story out unnecessarily. Especially since you have to animate everything you write down. The story is told really well in four pages.

I love this screenplay, it is refreshingly original. I hope you turn it into a movie.

Superb!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your title relates to the story but it's still vague. A more appropriate title might be "Pixel".

Dot is a cute character and your setting is original but the story feels flat. I'm imagining myself watching two pixels talking on a black background and it doesn't feel interesting. Neither pixel has any facial expressions and the setting never changes throughout the script.

Facial expressions would help captivate the audience. You could take it a step further by having Dot break the 4th barrier and interact with the audience.

This script could work as a one or two page script, capitalizing on the limits of your audience's attention span. Anything longer and I feel it would disinterest them.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I really like the idea you are exploring with this. It starts out extremely simple, yet allegorical. But then I think you got a little carried away with the visuals to the point where I was a little confused at what exactly I was seeing towards the end when Dot exits the box.

Some of the dialog is weird. It's expositional, but some of that works. I almost had the feeling this could have been shortened just a tad. For example, I don't understand why Dot couldn't just see the box to begin with. This just seemed to take up some space. To me, your story is this. Set-Up - they live in a box. Story -- Dot wants out of the box. Conclusion -- Once Dot is out of the box, Yellow wants out too. Dot doesn't have to know what the green line is, but I don't see the reason he can't see it to begin with.

Anyway, I'm voting this VERY GOOD.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written and formatted very well.

This was really creative and would be a very easy short for a fledgling animator to make.

I'm not sure I love the story though. I did love it, but the ending kind of lost me. I was hoping to see Dot try to return to inside the box only to be stopped by the green line and no way back in. Instead, Yellow was left inside alone with Dot nowhere to be seen.

This was really creative and well written, but the ending could have more of an impact I think. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Snappy little title.

This will make a great animation. It was an easy read, it was simple in construction and for that, it was exactly what it set out to be, presumably.

However, there was nothing there to excite me. It was something and nothing. I was left with no emotions having read it, either positive or negative!

For that reason, it's quite hard to score it with massively high scores, even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with it!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

What a totally fun and clever little animation.

This is so different, so simple, and so completely charming. I like how you create characters out of these pixels and use your story to teach us a powerful lesson.

This makes me wish I had a genre category for "animation" - I need to add that to my "to do" list.

Anyway, I really liked this a lot. Very well done!

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

That was... different. I liked it.

Thank you for entering. I gave this one a rating of "Very Good".

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

Nice animation script. I could easily visualize this. I love the "what in pixelation are you doing?" I've re-read it and I honestly can't think of anything that could improve it, so I've changed the score from Good to Excellent. I hope you get someone to film this.

After doing some other reviews where I complained about no character story, I had to come back and speak to that in your story. Eventhough your main character is only a dot, we get to see IT change. IT starts out being all about following the rules, meets and trys to reprimand another dot for NOT following the rules, then ends up wanting to break the rules and have what that other dot got. So much philosophy with such a simple story. Beautiful.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I had a hard time visualizing the dot, the colored dot, a barrier. I'm not good at thinking outside the box, no pun.

Because of that, I would to like to see something like this. I would suggest to shorten it up a bit, a little quicker to the confrontation, and escape. Not traditional, but a good effort.

Eric Iversen (Level 1)

A cute little tale. Non-standard characters that I got to know in just a few pages. I was hoping, along with Dot, that there was something else 'out there'. I actually felt sad for Yellow at the end; stuck in a world that he (she?) doesn't understand completely.

A nice, easy read that gave me a small, but complete story.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A cute script for animation. It made me smile. I would suggest that the writer change Dot’s name to “Blue”. The ending would be more clear then to the reader. In an actual film, the name would not be important because we would see the color change on screen.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Thank you for an engaging, inspiring and thoroughly satisfying screenplay. I'm particularly struck by the simplicity and beauty with which you explore penetrating ideas of risk, adventure and confronting adversity. Continued good success.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

This would be so fun to see on film. I love the personalities of the dots. It reminds me of my old principal who wanted to keep me inside a box! Ha! I'm more like Dot. There were a few spots that were a little unclear - like the barrier, was it first invisible, then green? And the last line - I thought Yellow was talking to Blue until I read the line a second time. But so much fun. Very Good.

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Beautiful...i love every bit of it. Excellent. This is nothing more than creativity! I've read over twenty five scripts but THIS stands out -inanimate abstract characters in action. I believe you must be an artist -color blend of yellow merging with DOT (who possibly is Blue in color) made me chuckle! Thats very good. Perfect!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

OMG, this is sooooooo creative. Makes a simply but very funny animation.

I'm assuming the blue and yellow dots are inside our computer screen. So no wonder blue needs to get out. And he succeeded!

The only spot that slows things down is on page 3, right after blue can't get out of the box. That was when I didn't know what Dot was doing, and Yellow told him to "pack it in". What does that mean?

Things start picking up again when Dot forces Yellow at a corner. And I was expecting Dot might burst into oblivion after it escaped the box. So it was a good ending. And the last line was funny as Yellow wants to go out as well.

Writing and format is very good.

VERY GOOD.

James Hughes (Level 5)

The formatting was good, the idea was different and so entertaining. It was a nice take on being different and getting outside the norm. I imagine it playing out well especially with 80's looking pixalation on the graphics. But given the characters and the world of the script, I wasn't able to get that emotionally invested in it and so I think the script stays with me only at a surface level.

Jamie Collins (Level 3)

This is an imaginative story but I don't think I'd want to see a film about dots trying to escape from a box.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Certainly original. And I thought I knew where it was going but I didn't. The two characters has personality, but I think you could have capitalized on it more.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

This was a strange one. I don't really know how to rate it. It had a solid story, and it was properly formatted... I guess it just didn't entertain me. Where were they? Was it a television? Why did the green let them pass when they turned green? Is this all part of some techno talk I'm not aware of or did you just make this scenario up?

I just don't get the motivation behind this.

I guess to fix it, you should have told us what we were looking at. Dots on a page isn't that interesting. If you established they were pixels on a television from the beginning, then we would have understood that this was an animated film. Maybe give us facial expressions so we're just not looking at humming dots. Visually, that would be a bore.

I'll give this a good because there was nothing to hate about it, but nothing really to enjoy.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I love reading scripts so distinctly different to the majority here on Moviepoet, here's one I haven't read anything close to before. How Exciting :)

This concept has so much potential, it seems to me like it would make a brilliant pre-movie short film, like the ones pixars use. The only problem is I don't think the ending quite lives up to the concept. It's an ok ending, just absolutely lacking in WOW, especially the fact that yellow more or less gets stuck, I'm not saying he should neccesarily get out but I think he needs a better conclusion than simply being lonely.

You've translated the animation ideas into script form very well for the most part, but a few descriptions, like "the outside of the box around Dot explodes in a kaleidoscope of color and sound", are a little vague and hard to fully picture. That said, I'm not sure how you could put the images on paper succinctly, it would be very difficult.

Well Done. Keep writing :)

Jessica Burde (Level 3)

Fun, funky, original and well written. A delightful read that made me smile.

No criticism to give, nothing I can see that would improve it unless you want to go through with a fine toothed comb and nitpick word choices - and it would be nitpicking, as nothing is jumping out as really out of place or off phrasing wise.

There isn't any real tension, or empathic connection with the characters to draw me into the story emotionally. Personally I prefer a strong emotional component to a story, but at the same time ths doesn't need one to be what it is - a fun romp. Would be interested to see this made.

Kelley Donnelly (Level 2)

This was cute. It reminds me a lot of those short pixar animations. I am a little confused on what these dots are. Are they dots on a computer screen or something, or are they just random dots living in a dot filled world. I really liked the idea and the dialogue was good...umm...dot dialogue:) All in all a cute short that I, for one. would definitely watch!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I admire what you're doing - you're trying to write something you want to film yourself. For what it is - it's very good. It's funny, it's punchy... it's zero cast!

I watch movies like this on internet, the talking orange comes to mind - it got numerous hits, I remember. I think yours is better than the one about the orange. It might be Excellent for what it is. And it can serve as a great parody. Reminds me of the people I know. The yellow dot would be me:) -Very Good.

Kirk White (Level 5)

enjoyed this very much. would like to see it expanded.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Absolutely love the story of Dot! It's original, colorful, and fun. The conflict with Yellow is adorable. Particularly fond of Dot merging with Yellow to form Green. Reminiscent of Whoopi Goldberg merging with Demi Moore in "Ghost"...sort of. Could actually envision Dot riding the waves "in a kaleidoscope of color and sound." So cool.
The ending is terrific. Poor Yellow. The numerous meanings of "Is anyone else in here blue?" is so clever. It's really great to read a short that's "outside the box."
Fabulous. Excellent.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I think this is a truly original script, which is a major compliment. Interesting themes, new characters, a bizarre use of a blank screen. In a way it reminds me of a drugged-out opening scene of "It's A Wonderful Life", with the pulsating, speaking points of color... although the intent is quite different. Because you dared to do something different, I'm happy to give you a Very Good.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This doesn't appeal to me at all. It's good technically - no spelling or punctuation errors I noticed, and no formatting problems - but it isn't visually or emotionally interesting. I can't imagine sitting in front of a screen for four minutes to watch it.

When you create a character like DOT - an IT with a voice - give it a gender at the introduction or don't refer to it as he/him or she/her at all. My mind gave them male and female voices, and I thought the merging into one green DOT reinforced that. Then you referred to the second DOT, my mental female, as "he" in the last line...

When you think about it, the gender of each DOT can have strong and various impact on the story, too. Two ITs. A MALE and a FEMALE. A FEMALE and a MALE... Each carries a variety of cultural connotations. Use those to tell your story.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Very well written. I really liked the dialog. I had a bit of a hard time visualizing it toward the end with the kalaidescope but until then I had it pictured well.

This is a cute idea and could make an interesting short. Nice work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

This reminded me of the novella Flatland and to some extent the Pixar short Night and Day, in its simple charm. I like how you never explicitly say that they are pixels although it becomes clear that they are.

Very good.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

Very well done and a great ending!

I really enjoyed how you put this together. You got all of the elements of the story to work in this unique delivery. I was smiling as I read it...once I realized what was going on.

Nicely done!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

It's funny but I almost did the same sort of thing for the White Out contest. This was pretty good. My only problem with it was that it lacked depth. I think something this simple need to have a fair bit of bite in order to really succeed as a film. Well done though.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

A really original short story, nice and experimental.

Concept:
Like I said, a really cool concept and I applaud you for having the balls to enter this. Surely you had tons of mainstream ideas, but you ventured into this one. I'm sure working on this entry improved your writing, but, as you know, it probably wouldn't place. I love that dedication. Well done.

Title:
Perfect.

Execution:
I think your short lacks a bit here though. It's too simple I guess. There's so much to do with those dots and in the end it's just a simple dialogue. Wish it was a bit stronger in that instance, I mean, Animation leaves so much open for creativity. I respect you for this concept, but feel you held yourself back in the execution.

Writing:
Strong, concise and very visual. Love this writing style, you can picture everything in this weird little tale. It's cute how you put two different personalities in those dots.

Overall:
Loads of respect for the choice for this subject matter, but some negative points for the simple approach. You can do so much with this, and then you limit them to just being IN the box. Takes too long for him to get out and the story moving...oh well.

Biggest flaw: bit too simple in overall arc.
Best aspect: The visual experimental style.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This is imaginative, fun, and cute, but if I got this right, we'd basically be watching a blue and yellow dot over a black screen. I'm not sure how effective that would be on screen.

Your screenwriting is good. Format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any typos.

Good.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Not sure about the title but a clever take and an interesting script. Obviously, the dialogue could be taken on many levels and I found that compelling. The age old argument of conformity versus rebellion in an animated story. The pacing was enjoyable but I wonder how it would play on the screen. The dots would have to be recognizable and the mere size of them would not appear to be pixels. Watching two dots on a black screen for 4 or 5 minutes might not be a great film festival movie but the concept and originality were good. I didn't find the ending very satisfying. Can't put my finger on exactly how to change it around but because the characters don't have too much dimension (no pun intended) I can't offer a good alternative. Kudos for bringing something original to the table and making it enjoyable read and lesson.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

This works as a simple allegorical tale, but without much excitement.

You might have found more opportunities for humor had you employed more than two characters.

I suppose the right voices might make this work on the screen better than it does on the page.

Not much to say about this one. It is technically sound and accomplished what it set out to do -- but the story was a bit lean.

Good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Really cute script! I enjoyed it. I thought it was just fun and silly and entertaining, and I hope it does well in the competition.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Very original. I wanted to like this more than I did, but the story just didn't go anywhere. And visually this wasn't working for me at all. I also think the characters were hard for me to relate to (being dots and all). The metaphors for human existence needed to be stronger - ratchet up the quest for meaning, getting outside the box. I guess I needed more conflict, or at least more humor.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Hmmm... this is one of those scripts which come up hard to grade.

Your formatting is fine. Your description is fine. But the story and dialogue just do nothing for me at all.

Fair

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Cute but I don't really see the point. Extremely predictable with nothing to engage me except for a couple colored dots.

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

Very creative. Clear, concise descriptions. No wasted dialog. Only thing that may (or may not) help is some audio descriptions: what kind of noise when dots hits the wall, clink, thud. Descriptors of the voices may give a little more personality: is Dot a child? Is Yellow Old? Did not quite understand if there are millions of dots, why do we only see these two? I liked the end, although it seemed logically that once the dot turned green that they would both be outside the box. In that case you would need to add a third dot that gets left behind; which changes the meaning somewhat. Kudos. Excellent work.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Definitely different, kudos and points for that -- but I just was not interested in this script.

I'm at a loss to critique it further than that. I will try to come back to it.

I came back to it -- again, inventive and "outside the box" if you will. And I'm sure it's rife with deeper meaning. It didn't however pique my interest as a script.

William Wilson (Level 3)

TO be honest I have no idea what this was? It was so weird and the dialogue was awful it was so bland generic and boring. This seems like a super artsy film but with nothing original or interesting

No offense but this is the worst script I have read so far in this contest and so far i've reviewed 25 other scripts out of 30

I will stop being so mean and just say I give "Dot" a 0 out of 10

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

While there's nothing technically wrong with this script I just don't get it. I understand the theme of breaking free and discovering things for yourself, but I wasn't sure where this story was happening -- in a computer? in the universe? inside an atom?

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2011 12:56 AM

This was so much fun. It would be a wonderful animation. I will be shocked if some film/animation student doesn't make this some day.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2011 1:01 AM

Philip - I'm surprised this didn't place! I'll go back and read the reviews, but I really expected to see it in the top 3.

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2011 1:52 AM

Matthew is absolutely right. This story is unique, clever, and visual. Totally disagree with some of the comments above. I got it from the get go and it's a winner!

Denise Jewell (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2011 12:58 PM

This is my first contest to review and I absolutely loved this script. I completely agree with Matthew and KP. In reading the reviews, it seems people are all over the map on their reaction. I was a little confused as to why you didn't place - now that I can read reviews that saw this the same as I did, I'm relieved. I guess people just come from different perspectives. Anyway, I'm marking this as my first favorite!

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2011 1:28 PM

BALLS.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2011 6:46 PM

Great job! :)

Brian Howell (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2011 6:54 PM

Great job Philip. From what I read this month, this was my favorite! Simple but it has many layers to it. Bravo.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5) ~ 2/2/2011 10:45 PM

Thank you very much for all your comments. I'm thrilled this scored as well as it did since I figured it wouldn't be for everyone.

I tried to inject character into these dots and it's great that many of you went along for the ride.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 12/23/2011 12:23 AM

Yo Philip, I'm not sure how frequently you check the email you registered here at MP with so I'm posting here to let you know that I sent you an email about the possibility of shooting this script.

Reginald McGhee (Level 0) ~ 12/24/2011 6:53 PM

This script was so close to receiving an Hornable Mention (3.4) and I think this is a brilliant script too after I read it.