Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

The title is a bit generic.

Great start to the story! Start with some one with power over some one else smacking that other person. Then mugging some one else in the next scene.

Page one, second scene, starts with "Peter and his well-dressed VICTIM", which threw me off. I thought that referred to patient 3271 from the previous scene. Perhaps change "his" to "a".

Page two, "Her HUSBAND and CHILDREN watch sadly from the front porch." Really? No crying, or at least fighting back tears in case of this story? No desperate running after the two men in black riot gear? No frantic panic as mom is being carried away? Try to imagine being them...

You deliver exposition, back story, while showing what is happening now, a lot of action. It works well. I think the moviegoer will be distracted by the action onscreen as he is fed the exposition.

The story actually starts rather late, on page four, when patient 3271 tells Peter her name, and demands his. All the back story was relevant, we now learn he is beating up a woman who was similar to Peter's mom. He decides to let her call her son, and she rewards him with her tears.

Excellent surprising ending! The strange machines were an obvious setup for the final payoff, but there were also hidden ones, like Veronica fighting her tears from rolling down her cheeks.

Great screenplay, well-written!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

What makes a person street strong? Is this an attribute that can be visually conveyed?

Your opening scene is vert strong. Smacking around women is nothing to take lightly. Can you tell us a little bit more? Is 3271 seated on the cot? Are they at a table? Having Peter stand over and smack 3271 while she's seated would make her look more subservient.

"Peter watches for lighting but none strikes." What does this mean? Did you mean to say lightning?

The dystopian setting is fantastic, not unlike "1984". I like the pacing and narration. You have a good buildup and I was eagerly looking forward to the climax.

The ending, however, was a letdown. Collecting tears for water? A person needs water to create tears. You'd be better off collecting urine and sterilizing it.

Despite the ending, I liked your script.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Why is strange machine capitalized? It is not a character or a sound and shouldn't be in caps.

Flashbacks are not identified as such.

Switching character names mid script confuses the reader. (3271 becomes Woman that looks like 3271 then Veronica.) Pick 1 name per character and stick with it throughout.

This has too many characters and too much going on for a 5 page scipt. There may be a cool premise buried in there, but it's hard to tell because this is pretty confusing.

I'm not sure what he wants with her tears. They contain salt and if he wanted salt water, well that makes up the majority of the planet so it's tough to imagine a scenario where that'd be hard to come by.

Overall, I felt like this could be re-done to make for a cool film, but as it is, I think it needs quite a bit of polish. Nice effort!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

dressed white - do you mean 'dressed in white'?

There were no other opportunities after twenty squared - 'm afraid I have no idea what this means.

I'm not a great fan of VO throughout a whole piece. I'm on p3 and hoping it will soon stop. Phew, it did...finally.

It's a mistake to change character names - she should have remained as 3271 even though she said her name was Veronica. It confused me for a while.

This was interesting but despite reading it three times I'm afraid I didn't follow it entirely. I always wonder if it's just me being dim, but then I wonder if the writer didn't convey the story well-enough!

WHAT did Peter want from Veronica? WHY would committing a violent crime qualify you to be a 'therapist'? How would it help them help the world? How was Peter going to achieve it by beating her?

The bit with the cups on the eyeballs seemed a bit tacked on though I could understand the need for liquid in drought situations.

And then it finished, and I thought - oh...that didn't seem to resolve.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I'm not quite sure I understood all of this.

I think it takes place in a dystopian future, where we are so short on resources (especially water), that the corrupt government recruits criminals off the street to train as therapists - where they will use whatever means necessary to extract tears (water) from their patients/victims.

If I am correct, this is simultaneously fascinating and implausible. I found it incredibly intriguing while I was reading it, but in the end (while I appreciated the surprise twist) I did't believe it enough for it to have its full impact. I hope that makes sense.

Still, this was a fascinating read and I think with a small rewrite this could be very powerful.

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

I think I got the point, but even for a science fiction it seemed far-fetched. Slapping women to make them cry so they can harvest moisture? From my point of view that's a hard sell for a serious drama. It might work a little better in a black comedy. (If I didn't get the point, I apologize.) No obvious errors in grammar or formatting, but it seemed too fragmented (at least the first three pages -- but that's more a personal preference and I'm not subtracting any points for that). It was just a little too matter-of-fact to make me feel much for any of the characters. Maybe a little sorrow that Peter got so twisted by the reality of his time.

Thanks for entering. I gave this one a rating of "Fair".

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

This script had A LOT of V.O. I know it works out and it was necessary, but it really was a lot!

Also, it was kind of cool. I mean, the tone was "cool"... Peter was cool!

I was into the story, I couldn't wait to find out what the scoop was but in the end, I was just confused.

Was this something the "therapists" did to bad mothers, all mothers, some mothers? Were they after tears for ??? in a world gone mad?

So I tried to get into it and it was cleanly written just a bit confusing!

Denise Jewell (Level 4)

This is well written but not really a story within itself. It reads like the beginning of a much longer work. there is so much that doesn't make sense but could be explained in later parts of the story. We know that Peter's in this role because of his crime, not because he's qualified, although maybe he is in a different way than what we would expect.

The voice over is completely un-necessary and sort of annoying. As I read this again, I see even more that there is a lot of set up for a longer piece.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Okay, that was a twist I didn't see coming. Cool.

I'm not a huge fan of a lot of voice over, but I was captivated enough by the world that was set up. For some reason it felt a little comical in a twisted way, but I don't think it was supposed to be a comedy. I don't know.

I think this works well as a short because it is just an absurd enough assumption for a coming calamity to suspend belief for 5 minutes.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Interesting story that could have been made “more clear” with a few more pages.

In the first paragraph, patient 3271 is introduced. Since her name is patient 3271, it should be capitalized.

“Peter and his well-dressed VICTIM dance through…” Is the victim 9 years old or 99? Male or female? Paint us a picture.

I did not understand the reference… “There were no other opportunities after twenty squared.” It could be that I’m just really dense but I don’t understand!

Page 2: She smiles at the Woman. Who is smiling at whom? Is it the nurse who is smiling? Not clear as written.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

The storyline felt a bit unrealistic. If you are going to introduce a mysterious machine, that collects water from tears - it might help to introduce it a bit earlier in a more believable manner. The audience wants to believe and be taken into whatever world you creat for them. But to simply toss this unusal idea casually at the end takes away from it's believability. I'd introduce it earlier on. Hope this criticism helps.

Gavin Bale (Level 3)

I have to admit that this story confused me very much. From what I did understand, this story seems very interesting and I think that extending it beyond five pages would make the story really work. I do like your idea and the powerful descriptions that make the scenes really stand out. It just seems like a story needs more than five pages. I think it definitely has possibilities.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

There are many good descriptions in this, but also some things that were not clear.
"Peter and his well-dressed VICTIM dance" - I pictured a woman...
"twenty squared" confused me... a year? 2020? twenty squared is 400
The ending is interesting and thought provoking. I understand that they are collecting tears, but what kind of therapy does the woman need?

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

I didn't really get the sense of the story. The premise is blarred from my point of view, it could have been more clearer than rendered. The plot looks a little complicated but tell you what...the structure and diction kept me going. I commend you for that. I believe an attached video can make more meaning to me. All the same good job!

Herman Chow (Level 5)

The first paragraph reads oddly. Should've separated them into two sentences.

Hmm....I was very confused by this story. Some I got, others, not so much.

The first two pages detailed who Peter is. So he's a robber, that's cool. But what's with the riot and the woman being dragged into the van? And we never get to know what the strange machine does either.

Starting on page 3, I started to get where you're trying to go. So this is like a utopia where criminals are taught to become therapists. This is intriguing, but why would anyone allow that? So if criminals are therapists, then who are the patients?

The last scene with Veronica is problematic to me, too. What are they doing anyway? What does Peter trying to get out of Veronica?

Let me just take a stab. So Peter wants Veronica to cry so Peter can collect the tear as drinking water. Am I right? If I am, then it has to be shown more clearly.

The writing is fine, but the story is kinda a mixed bag for me.

FAIR.

James Hughes (Level 5)

The first description paragraph had a jumpy, cluttered feel to it when I read it. It started with some odd phrases like cot-like bed (i think it would just be a cot), dressed white, and then that the girl's name was a number. That first passage put me off kilter for the remainder of the script.

I didn't understand the parts around the first to pay were the first with most to gain. What is he doing at the end, pulling out her tears because there is water shortage? I didn't get this, not sure that there would be enough out of it to make it worthwhile.

Jamie Collins (Level 3)

This Screenplay was confusing to me.

Your flashback scene should have something to identify it as a flashback.

FLASHBACK TO: or BEGIN FLASHBACK SEQUENCE and then after the scene BACK TO: or END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE.

One of the men points through the mirror,

Should be One of the men points through the glass. If he pointed through the mirror, he would be pointing to himself. There would only be a mirror on the prisoner side.

On page 3:

INT. LINE UP ROOM

INT. WAITING ROOM

INT. CLASSROOM

Are these scenes during the - DAY or - NIGHT?

3271's name is changed to Veronica after we learn her real name. Character names should remain constant throughout the screenplay to avoid confusion.

I didn't understand the ending at all, it seems like Peter is trying to collect 3271/Veronica's tears in the cups because there is a shortage of moisture but the only mention of a possible shortage of water/moisture in the screenplay is in the flashback scene when Young Peter mentions the "droughts and food-shortages."

Also, what is the strange machine?
Why would violent criminals be recruited as therapists?

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Needs more detailed description particularly surrounding the event of eating cockroach. This is not an every day occurance so please tell us more about it. Is he cringing? Does he close his eyes and try to imagine it's something else? Does he smile cause he likes the taste of bugs? Does he chew it or swallow it whole?

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I thought Peter and the "victim" were really dancing for a split second.

I don't know what "Twenty squared" is, and I feel as though it's vital to your story.

Oh, maybe that's what they call the day the sun went out.

Watches for lighting? Maybe you meant lightning, but I'm not one hundred percent sure.

I'm not really sure what's going on with this "Therapy" Why is he beating her? I don't understand this world that you've placed us in.

So this was all for water? Or is there something to this that I don't get? I don't know.... this needs to be more clear. You should have spent more time explaining his occupation. I'll take a second look at it at the end of the month if I have the time. I'll give it a good. The writing was crisp and so were your descriptions. I liked the dialogue, but I couldn't really make any sense of it all.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

I think the main problem with your script is simply that it's fundementally nasty, even though it's relatively well written, it just seems to have a heart made of bad vibes. This would be okay if it were centred around a real issue or some relevent theme to us right now, but to be fictional and not necceseraly relevant yet still painful to sit through makes me wonder why it would be worth peoples time to watch.

Also, the presence of a "Strange Machine" in the first scene seems ridiculous if you don't describe what exactly is strange about it. How are we meant to picture this "Strange Machine" at the beginning of the script?

Lastly, I don't think the voice-overs are needed and they could easily be written out to make a more effective script.

Jessica Burde (Level 3)

I'm really not sure how to comment on this, because I just don't get it. I've been thinking about this script for - not sure how long, but several days at least, and just -

Ok, I think I get that at the end, for some reason they are collecting tears? And the guy was supposed to beat the woman to make her cry, but what made her cry was talking with her son for the first time in weeks. Everything else is just a confused montage.

The grammar and spelling were good, and the format was solid. I just don't understand the story being told.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I love the style, I'd want more of this...

It just feels like it's and excerpt from a bigger story. I had a few questions which made me think that something in this style is better suited for a bigger project.

However, I was curious about the story, Peter transformed toward the end and the transformation was quite believable and I love the genre. For me it's Very Good. but I'm a bit biased:))--I love the genre.

Kirk White (Level 5)

sick and a bit twisted. I wanted to really like this but it bogs down a bit once we're in the room beating veronica. perhaps too much time is spent with the exposition?

KP Mackie (Level 5)

The structure and format is top notch. There's enough action and information that the voiceover may not be needed.
Had trouble deciphering the storyline. Peter is some type of criminal who is abducted, but it's not clear what his job is other than hitting women like patient 3271 and Veronica. There's a lead up in the voicever with, "That's when it all changed...It wasn't gradual...It just sort of snapped," but there doesn't seem to be a follow through. "A crowd riots," and Peter is now ten and in an apartment. He becomes a therapist for "The Collective" with a machine that catches tears.
The story is well written and concise. Perhaps, it's simply a case of reader confusion. Sorry.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I like the title with the story. Good title.

Don't use the "like" in "cot-like." It's a cot.

Introduce VERONICA by name. You don't use her number in dialogue, so I assume she's wearing a badge or tag of some sort... Maybe a tattoo... Be specific about it... The tattoo might be a good idea, actually... She's considered sub-human and it's like a brand... I'd make the toilet special, too. "Toilet" is everyday. Put something in to imply it's collecting her waste rather than flushing it away...

Give Peter's VICTIM a gender and age. Who a person victimizes says a lot about their character. Use this character to help us know Peter better...

FINISH THIS NEXT!!!!!!!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I read this twice and still don't get it. They were trying to collect tears? The plot was very vague IMO. I read it three times and just don't fully understand what a "therapist" was, why they were going to jail or what the colling tears was for. Sorry.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Interesting post-apocalyptic society.

I don't think the voice-over is necessary, at least not at the beginning. Almost everything he says is then illustrated on screen, and having him spell it out (e.g. "That’s when it all changed") detracts from the story.

The dialogue on the last page could use some tidying up. How does Veronica know about Peter's mother? The whole purpose of "The Collective" and the "therapy" Peter's handing out is quite vague.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

How bizarre. I like it even if I have no clue what's going on. It's intriguing from the outset and gets stranger as it progresses, leaving only questions and no answers. I want to score this higher but I feel there isn't enough revealed for me to comprehend the story. It's very well written and imaginative but you completely lost me by the end.

Matthew Fettig (Level 5)

This is an interesting title but I think maybe The Collective might have been a better choice.

You've taken us on an interesting journey but I'm not sure I really follow what's happened. I've read it several times and some things still just don't seem to fit for me.

On page 1, you write "...well-dressed VICTIM dance through the thick, dusty air". The visual I get from this, the two of them moving gracefully, doesn't match the context.

Peter's line "...no other opportunities after twenty squared" doesn't make any sense to me. What is twenty squared? Is it meant to indicate a year? 20 squared would only be 400 so that doesn't seem right. But I get the sense you are trying to tell us this story happens in the distant future.

You obviously have some reason for the smiles from the woman taken by The Collective and from Peter in the waiting room, but I can't figure out what it is.

So we have a group, this Collective, that trains criminals to beat people up in order to force them to cry so the Collective can capture the tears. That concept alone is overly bizarre, but I'm also confused about why the "prisoners" are taken. Are these people that are expected to be able to cry more easily? I don't get that part.

Structurally, you've used flashbacks but you never indicate them in the script. I was able to follow the story but technically I think they should be there. Also, I'm not real clear on the use of numbers in the script as you use them to identify the prisoner. I've read that they should be spelled out as words, not typed as numbers. It didn't affect my reading of the story at all though.

Overall I gave this a good. I was trying to figure out how to give a very good, but I was just too confused. It's an interesting idea and maybe I'm just missing something that others will easily see.

Matthew King (Level 2)

I really wasn't feeling the dialogue in this piece, but I wish I could constructively say what exactly didn't work.

Did I miss the point of the "strange machine" - Are we supposed to know what it is? Was it hinted somewhere in the script what it is for or what it does? Is it vital to the story in some way, or just part of the set? If you are going to make special mention of it, at least give us some more information as to what it looks like, why it is there, and why it's important to the story.

I thought the cups over the eyes in the end was a creative way to really bring home the desperation of the world you created.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

It seems that in a future where water is short criminals are recruited to beat women in order to collect their tears and this is called therapy. Ok-ay -

tears are salty though so the twist seems a bit daft.

The writing is mainly good but is quite disjointed and all the lack of names - just WOMAN, NURSE, MACHINE etc made it difficult to engage.

An ok story fairly well executed but lacked a puch and unltimately didn't grab me.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

I know I am not the only one to point this out (but I hope the repetition lets you know the severity of the problem), but the way the first sentence reads, the bed, the toilet, the machine, and Peter all hit the girl at the same time.

I really liked the premise of this story. It was unique yet simple, but it was clumsy and awkward. I had to guess that I was reading flashback scenes. I'm not sure I understand the motive of Peter when he gives Victoria his name. It seems counterproductive to his goal. Sure she's being uncooperative, but that's no reason to give in after she asks him for it twice. You made Peter out to be so ruthless and vicious, but this scene severely weakens his character by making him go against everything you tried to convince me he believes in. At no point anywhere else does he show or say anything caring or helpful to anyone else. Why start now? And no, I don't think he was cunningly brilliant in order to get the woman to cry by giving in.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

I'm sorry but I laughed quite a few times at this unintentionally funny script. Perhaps it was my mood, but it seems to try to be so epic, and so meaningful while actually being really messy.

There are SO many storylines in this thing. LOADS of them, and then you finally have this story about Peter and Veronica at the end, at page 4 and it STARTS to make sense.
And then he hurts her, and she tries to make him emote, and he gives in, so she calls her Bill and he starts collecting her TEARS like it was all part of the plan?!
That does not make sense at all.

What you got, in scenes, is really good. Just you put too much into this thing. You show too much without implying things. Letting a guy walk through a desolated street implies more than seeing how the street got deserted.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I've read this twice because, despite the voice-over narration, there's a lot going on here and much subtext. I think I interpret the theme, Veronica's plea at the end sort of sums that up, but in terms of a tangible story, I'm not sure I get it. Hopefully, I'll be the only one.

I like the voice-over. I'm not a reviewer who rubber-stamps narration as a negative, when done right of course, and I feel it is here.

Your screenwriting is very good. Format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Good.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

There are a lot of imaginative and twisted things in this and I like the way it takes on some tough issues.

I wonder if for something this length it might have a little too many things going on and concepts. I’d suggest either widening it out, perhaps to feature length, or focusing on a few of the ideas.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Big points for originality here. Maybe fortunately I watched 'Inception' last night, so I was riveted to the plt the way you advanced things. A few notes along the way: Page 1, I would choose a different word for 'dance' in the alley. Hard to conjure the image. The horizon image - LOVE it. I struggled with the WOMAN on page 2 but I think you successfully conveyed enough by referenced her with the Woman in the opening. I felt like the Teacher and the Classroom needed a bit more. It was hard to picture how the prisoners were depicted in this scene. The Veronica exchange took me a few readings but I liked it more as I read it. Nice crisp, short exchanges. I think her character shouold be foreshadowed somehow and I don't have a good suggestion for it but I think this scene would benefit from it. The strange machine could use a line or too, like with the woman, something like: "a machine not unlike a blood pressure device.." or whatever. Just something to give the reader a visual. Still, a very compelling read. Enjoyed it a lot.

Robert Chipman (Level 4)

This script is really not that well done. There were lots of structural problems like not incuding "DAY", "NIGHT" or things like thar to your sluglines. Your characters had no descriptions about them at all, besides their age. 3271 was given a name, but they were never referred to by it in action lines or anything.

Worse than that, is I had no clue what was going on. I thought there were times when I was starting to understand what was going on, but then it would lose me again.

By the end, I honestly didn't care what was going on, anyway. It was uninteresting and never grabbed my attention. I'm sorry. I hope to see better things from you in the future.

-Rob

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

It's 2020, the world has run out of water or there's an acute shortage and "The Collective" recruits criminals to act as therapists to collect water in the form of tears from victims.

If my stab at your premise is close then you've actually got a feature in the works my friend. In its condensed form it doesn't quite work because of information overload and not real character evolution.

Peter could actually be a decent soul and his desperation is driving him to the crimes he commits. If he had the means to survive without turning to crime, he would. But you never show us that option and hence I really don't feel much attachment or empathy towards him.

Your structure is a bit confusing too, since you have one shift within the scene with the HORIZON, then you jump back and forth in time. YOUNG PETER seemed a bit abrupt too, as I didn't know whether it was supposed to be Peter as a child or Peter's son?

The V.O. is a bit too heavy on exposition and perhaps the only moments I did enjoy were with Peter and 3271/Veronica. The dialog's here are snappy move the dramatic tension between the characters, wish more of it reflected in the preceding scenes.

If this is a feature idea condensed to meet the contest, I say go the feature route. It has tonnes of potential.

Good job!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Hmm I thought this was interesting. I like the voice over but I venture to guess a lot of people won't. But for me it gives an insight on Peter and what his feelings are.

I liked the story, it was a little out of the box to be sure. What was the 'strange' machine for? Could you describe it more, what does it do? etc.

It was nice to see that Peter had a heart at the end and gave Veronica the phone.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I liked the premise since "therapist" is "the rapist" and the idea that one can "Commit a violent crime and ... be recruited as a Therapist" in this awful future-world.

Overall, too much VO for my liking - too much explaining & jumpy visuals did not connect me to any of the characters. None of them were likable so that made it even harder to get into the story. I totally didn't get the strange machine. And I got a little confused, 3271 is Veronica, pick one.

I think too much is crammed into this tale. I suggest reducing it down to the "therapy" itself & leaving out the attempt at backstory. It would be enough that we're in some heartless terrible future - let's have more interaction with Veronia & Peter, they get to know each other & we get to know them, and their relationship is transformative. Make me feel Veronica' defiance and Peter's frustration.

As written, I'm not feeling it.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

"A cot-like bed,"

A cot is a bed... so it's a bed-like bed? This was really, really great writing. Probably the best I've seen so far. But your story has some major holes. Has no other patient ever tried talking to her therapist like at the end? Taking random criminals in and then having them torture some one who can speak isn't a great idea at all. With such a great build up I was really disappointed to see such a lazy ending. But again, great writing!

Trent Carroll (Level 4)

This is a Sci-Fi Drama about a food shortage. I understood the gist of your screenplay but there were a lot of confusing details. Peter says something about twenty squared and I have no idea what that's supposed to mean (*EDIT*-Maybe the year 2020, I may have just made myself look dumb). Peter and his victim "dance" through an alleyway (obviously they don't actually dance but I'm not sure what they do). You also refer to the two witnesses as "Victims?". I'm unsure if that was a typo.

I also didn't like the twist at the end. The "Therapists" are stealing people's tears. That sounds extremely cliché when said straightforward.

I found that the most troublesome quality of this was my lack to feel anything for the main character. I didn't like or dislike him in any way. That makes me not care about any of the other details of this script in the long run.

Wayne Morrical (Level 4)

A little tough to read the first time through. Setting up the flashback at the beginning a little better with the VO would help: I wasn't sure if this was later in the day or if 'victim' was the patient he was hitting in the earlier scene. Once I got into to the rhythm of it, it covered a lot of back story quickly. The scene where the woman gets hauled away makes me assume she is 3271 and the kid is Peter. Not sure what happened at the end though, Peter gives her a phone and she dials her son. The end was resolved and the mysterious machine just gathered moisture?

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I think the writing is good, very good at times. While I don't mind voice overs, it does feel like it goes on a bit too long.

On to the therapist -- what is this therapy for? I think the audience needs to know this information. Whether it's revealed at the end or somewhere else in the script, it needs to be known otherwise you simply have violent actions from a violent individual and that leaves a big hole for me.

"Just think, you can help people help the world" - that line goes to what I was saying above... help them do what? The violence in unnecessary has no connection without knowing or having some outcome.

Again, I do think the writing is good and it presents some clear images. I would rethink what is going on and why it's going on. While the world may be in a state of apocalypse, the "therapy" actions are not explained.

William Wilson (Level 3)

Haha to be honest my first thought after reading this was "Damn that was cheesy"

I mean the V.O.'s were pretty ehh? I know they were suppose to come off as bad ass but they ended up coming off as kinda lame with a touch of over seriousness?

And the ending really did nothing for me? I get what you were going for I just didnt like the way you went for it?

I Give "The Therapist" a 2 out of 10

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

"Peter watches for lighting but none strikes." I think you mean lightning.

What an interesting concept and twist with who the therapist usually is. I figured out what was going on well before the end, but the story was good enough to not let me down.

Questions: Is Veronica a real therapist (as they are today)? Is that how she knows to antagonize Peter about his mother? Or is she just adept at reading him and then goes off his reaction to her question? Or does the society already know about "therapists?"

None of those are sticking points for me -- I'm just curious.

And also: I hope they distill the water before people drink it...

Comments Made After the Contest

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2011 12:25 AM

The question this script raises is who is the real therapist - as Zach pointed out. The tears are symbolic, poetic, surreal. This whole script is meant to be poetic - and I loved some of the comments I got in return. Thanks everyone for reading.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2011 12:27 AM

Oh and twenty squared is 2020

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2011 3:39 PM

I loved the script. Gave it a VG, don't even know why not E - that's some great style too.