Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

Good:
I th ink it is a very cool story! I did see it coming, I know thestory about Lilith, and figured Atom was close enough to Adam. I was wondering why you weren't giving the Female a name... At the end I knew. You didn't want to give it away just yet.

You did stay within the five minutes in a very creative way; warping back 15 thousand years, but for Atom and Eve it is only five minutes. Clever touch!

Can be improved:
You need a stronger protagonist. Atom needs to drive the story. The things that will ultimate lead to the climax have to be caused by conscious decisions he made and actions he took. They should not happen to him accidentally. Story is a metaphor for life; the reader wants to see some one in an interesting conflict make an interesting decision, and then he wants to see how that turns out. That hooks the reader. You need to give him a *want* and a *need*. In this case, for example, Lilith could be his want, Eve his need. Have Lilith abuse him in the beginning, and him ending up with the gentle Eve. Atom wanting Lilith gone, he gets Eve. Or something like that.


Page 1: probably better to use the word "woman" than "female".

The pages are a bit sparse on description of the environment. I am having a hard time forming an image of the surroundings, it being futuristic. At least on page one, I think you can spend one or two sentences to describe for example what the transport room looks like, so we get an idea what the world looks like.

I get the feeling you are strictly using writing rules, like do not use the verb "to be", or use the word "the" as little as possible. I'm struggling with this myself, so I am recognizing it. I think the lines don't flow as well as they could because of it. The sentences feel stiff.

Page 2: spelling mistake: "Date's loaded, transporter's are hot" should probably be "Dates loaded, transporters are hot"?

The dialogue in the end, where they mention having been placed back 15 thousand years, is a bit contrived. No one would talk that way, certainly not if all they did when they met was nod to each other. It is exposition, you're letting the characters speak out the back story, because it suits the story, not because people would really say that. Might be an idea to figure out another way to show this.

All in all I think I would do a rewrite to make the sentences flow more, but I think it is a great start for a story! The circularity of time travel does play with your head :-)

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Blue blobs? You said the gel was gray.

Can you be more descriptive of the observation deck? What's in the darkened room? Computer monitors? Video feeds?

The female really needs a name. If Atom is assigned to work with her on this mission, he should at least have the courtesy of her name. I understand that it's necessary for your ending, but it's just not plausible.

Atom and Eve are not taking their plight seriously. They shouldn't be making jokes about birthdays.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

This is a very interesting approach to a well-known story. I like it a lot. VERY GOOD from me. When they transported to the forest I suspected where you were going with it, but it was done nicely.

I'm intrigued by well-known stories being tweaked and reworked from a different angle. I'm not sure why their white suits didn't transport with them, or how they could have even transported to a time without a transport platform, but oh well. I can overlook a few minor things and relish in the creative approach you took. I'm impressed.

VERY GOOD job!

Byron Matthews (Level 4)

Interesting take on an otherwise classic story. I liked the "Lilith has been compromised" touch in the beginning of the story. I'm curious why you went with the name "Atom" instead of "Adam"? Maybe there's something I missing. Also, when the gel covers their bodies, it's mud-like in the beginning and end of their transport when they arrive on "Eden," but in the middle there it says that they're blue blobs. So, is the mud-like gel blue or is it a mud-like color that I imagined as brownish-green? The dialogue between Atom and Eve at the end was a bit confusing with the talk about Rome, but maybe my reading skills are a bit skewed. Other than that I enjoyed and appreciated reading it.

B.M.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I love the clever use of GENYSIS and ATOM (and EVE at the end)

I liked this but I felt it rather changed tone once Atom and Eve reached the forest. From quite a serious sci-fi it suddenly became rather slapstick. Perhaps a little foreshadowing in the first part?

They didn't seem that bothered about their fate.

A few notes:


ATOM, 30s, tall - we don't know what sex.

ascending them - I know what you mean but I don't think this is the correct use of the verb 'to ascend' - "a silver tower ascending them" -don't think you can ascend someone - that means that the silver tower is going up them, like climbing a mountain!

envelopes - envelops is what you mean.

stare at in disbelief - stare at IT

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I used this company in one of my shorts, they destroyed society as we know it.

Man this old yarn. So many sci-fi stories give us the adam and eve story. Why is that, hmmm?

I just wrote a whole paragraph on the major flaw in most time travel movies, but I think I'll keep that until I can do my own. :) Good job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I liked this a lot.

I love time travel stories and this was cool - going back so far in time - an accident from which there is no recovery.

But what I especially loved was the reveal at the end, with the names. Very clever - I didn't see it coming and it put a big smile on my face.

Very well done.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

So it was an accident!

Alright, I don't have any complaints but for nitpicking:
INT forest--we're inside the woods I get it, but for the director/producer they'll want to set up their cameras outside... I've suggested before using the int/ext that way, but I meant it for smaller settings where the characters can be inside/outside of the subject place at the same time.

really, really long sluglines. Drop the continuous--it doesn't give any extra information about the setting that can't be read.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I knew it! We created ourselves. Loved the script. Nothing wasted, and what a theme to think about. Like how you tied in Lilith. And, Genesis, lol. I can't believe I didn't see it coming.

Great writing, great concept. Good Luck. There is the possibility that some may see it a little hokey, since it is a joke on the reader. But therein is the essence of a very short script. Very Good.

You got me!

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

A cleverly disguised storyline. It took me about three quarters of the read into it before realising where it was heading. An engaging set up and introduction that pulled me in. The development was also interesting and well done. The dialogue between Atom and Eve towards the end felt a bit awkward. Otherwise, a thoroughly enjoyable read. Thanks and continued good success.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

I love how that was played out. Even though I figured out right away that Female was Eve, I had to keep reading to see how you developed it. I love the play on Genesis/Genesys.Who are Doc and Mikey? God and his nerdy side-kick? I wasn't clear about whether Doc sent them back that far on purpose or not. Very enjoyable. Thanks.
:) Heather

Heidtmann Oppong (Level 4)

Well it's cool. Atom frowned at Eve's company looking down at her abilities perhaps her young looks. However at the end, Atom changed his attitude toward Eve, especially when he noticed Eve was even some months older than his wife. I Love the silent justice. Everything was cool with me only the line "they both stare at in confusion" did you mean to say "they at it" -meaning the monkey?
The story painted in my minds eye "Naked ancient Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden" or maybe not!
I enjoyed reading it though I am not a space kind of story fun.

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I really liked the first half of the script. The premise is intriguing to me and I wanted to know how Atom and the Female will go about doing their duties. But after finishing it, I was disappointed by the ending (I was suspicious about Atom's name in the beginning anyway).

I think the focus of the story should be about Atom and Eve's adventure, because this is what you've alluded to us on the first page. So you can trim a lot of stuff on page two and get right to the time travel.

After that, I really wanted to see them deleting the files and so on, but of course this turned into some kind of joke instead. Like Atom's wife 300th birthday joke came out of nowhere and it ruined the tone of the story.

The ending was very abrupt. Eve was just so willing to accept the fact that they won't go back. But I applaud you for being creative with the Adam and Eve story.

GOOD.

Jamie Collins (Level 3)

This is a great concept for a screenplay and a good twist on a very old story. It would have been nice if the "monkey" had been a "serpent" or have a monkey and a serpent in the story, just to give the serpent a cameo in the garden. But even without the serpent this is a very good screenplay. I enjoyed it very much.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Blue blobs? You said mud-like gel. That would be brown, black or gray. Not blue. Were you referring to the texture? Maybe so... Then you should have said "blue, mud-like gel."


You have time machines, and you fail to mention the woman's name. I'm only going to assume Atom is Adam and this woman is Eve.

"you don't look a day over two hundred" Is this supposed to be a comedy? I didn't get that vibe in the beginning.

Yup. I was right. You see, this would have worked if Mickey didn't have a name. He should have been "scientist" So you have "Female, Doc, and Scientist" therefore it would seem like your main character was the only name we needed to know. That would have worked for you. I'll give this a good though. Your writing was there, and so was the dialogue.

John LaBonney (Level 4)

Time travel stories always make my eyes roll a little bit--there are too many possible paradoxes that make it hard for me to really get involved in the story. For that reason I like the fact that they can't get back (although I can still imagine some scenarios where they could). I think that this is a pretty creative and off-the-wall way of explaining the beginning of the human race; I'm not sure how it sits with me.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I have to be honest and say I didn’t think your script was anything special until the final moments. Then, BAM, what an ending! (:

I was also going to chastise you for calling a character “FEMALE” but then I found out why you chose to conceal her name. I suppose you could have called her “Evelyn” but then at the end, she says “My name is Evelyn. But friends call me Eve”. “Hi Eve, I’m Atom. This could be the start of a beautiful relationship.” Etc.

Suggestions?

Firstly, for your ending to work better, I think you need to tell the audience Atom’s name earlier on, plant the seed. Apart from the end, Atom’s name is never mentioned in dialogue, only in your descriptive text (which a potential audience would never see).

From a structural point of view, I would have liked more conflict between Atom and Female from the start, even turning it into a mini rom-com (no, don’t throw up!), with the couple bickering more throughout until finally reaching some kind of truce. (Particularly if you use the “But my friends call me Eve” /“Hi Eve.” lines I suggested above). First rule of screen-writing – create conflict!

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I was prepared to say 'it's not my cup of tea' when realized that it is, as it's entertaining and every entertainment that's entertaining is a common cup of tea:)

Like I said, it's fun. However I read many on Adam and Eve and it's one of them, slightly different but nonetheless they all seem alike. One was about them in a different time zone.

I'd recommend less of exclamation marks, otherwise I'm prepared to read their lines as funny when it will work better if it read more serious. See if the others have the same complaint though.

Fun, fun, fun. Thanks.

Kirk White (Level 5)

you give your punchline away with the mention of Lilith! I think it's a clever premise, but ultimately a lot of really expensive sfx for a small payoff, perhaps if this were expanded into something larger, you'd have an interesting fantasy piece. Right now, it just doesn't do anything for me beyond a clever twist (which I saw coming from "where's Lilith")

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Cool story idea. Nice touch that Atom represents Adam, Female is Eve, and they stroll naked together in their new garden environment at the end.
The setup might be a bit too long. Nicely done visually, but seems the point is to get Atom and Female/Eve to the location where they're stranded. May not be real important that Female/Eve is a substitute for Lilith; seems the replacement simply gives Atom and Doc a reason for conversing. Might be interesting if Female/Eve was always the original partner and her name isn't dropped until the end. Just an idea...
Mikey's well described but probably could omit him without losing much. Doc could take over being panicked when the something goes wrong.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I liked the title before I read the script, and I liked it even more afterwards. This is a fun read and would make a great animated short.

"The two blue blobs hover inches above the pedestals." I think I think this line at the bottom of page two might be a leftover from an earlier draft... probably because you use blue for the blobs instead of muddy gray, and because you repeat the line using the correct color shortly after this.

Your dialogue is good, but I'm not getting much character out of it. Everyone was a bit bland.

I knew what was coming as soon as Doc and Atom talked about Lilith, but it didn't spoil the enjoyment at all.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Pretty clever. I liked it up until they landed, then the tone of the dialog shifted. It became too light. I love the ending though. It's an awesome idea. I'd just work on staying true to the tone you set then the end will have more impact. Very good job!

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Cool idea. I love time travel stories.

I found all the winks at the reader annoying, and at odds with the serious tone at the start.

Good.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Very clever. I'm not sure if it breaks the rules but I hope you don't get disqualified. It's well imagined and entertaining and the ending is nicely done.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

I love time-travel stories, so this is right up my alley. Lots of creativity here.

While I do find your take interesting, the main conflict (being stuck back in time) appears too late (page 4 I think) so there isn't much room left for the characters to deal with it.

Felt like the main conflict (and even the chacarters' mission) was abandoned in favor of the twist that pays homage to Christian mythology without adding much to the main plot.

I would suggest establishing earlier on what is the mission and why it's important to the characters. If we know why they care, we'll care too. Right now the mission seems like filler in order to get to the twist.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Starts off extremely well. The name Lilith flagged up that this might be an Eden tale and pointed to 'Atom' sounding a lot like 'Adam' which, tying in with the title, took out any element of surprise you may have had.

A good attempt at sci-fi but ultimately lacked originality.

The gray/mud/blue blobs got a little confusing.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

A sci-fi piece about a timetravel accident which caused the birth of mankind.

Concept:
The idea has been explored, but I still think this is a good take on it. I particularly like the Blob-time travel thing. You use some cool ideas which haven't been done before. Why settle for a pod or anything else. Still, the year 4000 looks and sounds kind of weird. You'd think mankind would be drastically different by then. I didn't catch the Atom/Adam thing, that was pretty smart. The twist came unexpected, so that's good too.

Title:
I like the subtle foreshadowing of Genesis, I do believe it's fairly obvious though, and the reader will have some of that in mind when going in. I think the lab itself should be more aligned to some kind of biblical/evolutionary theme too.

Execution:
There are quite a few things I don't like about the execution. I don't like the year. It's already pretty futuristic, why put it in that specific time period? Just makes it more 'unrealistic' to me. The whole 'file-destroy'-mission is too vague too. Obviously, they never get to destroying any files due to the error of the mission, feels like filler now. Give out more specifics, or get rid of it all together.

I don't get why Lilith is compromised and this other female takes over. Is that supposed to be a quick quip at the biblical story? I don't fully get this. Maybe you tried to cover up for the fact that she was called 'Eve'.

I don't really get the whole age thing either. I mean, it's already a pretty deep story with plenty of sci-fi to swallow, why get into the age thing too. And I also don't like the switch of tone. It suddenly gets 'funny' about birthdays and such, I mean, you play it straight up to this point, so why this shift? Confusing and disappointing. I'd rate this much higher if you just kept the tone.

Requirement:
The fact that you stretched this up, really gets some credit. I mean, it's five minutes, but at the same time it's ages. That gets some originality points right there, you didn't just met the requirement, you stretched it up too. Well done, keeps it more interesting.

Writing:
Too many characters, you have Doc and Mikey and then they are gone, and it focuses on the other people. Doc's only useful for exposition and Mikey is just the lackey with the ears so Doc can rant. You didn't write personalities for them, and certainly no unique ones.

I think you should have focussed loads more on the Atom-Eve dynamic, even when in the facility, all this talk by the other characters just throws us of and it just isn't engaging.

I like the tone you put into this, but like I said earlier, I don't like the sudden shift. Doesn't even make sense either.

Potential:
Producible in animation form. Life Action may be complimented with CGI, but would require loads of digital effects. Possible, absolutely, and it would be an interesting view. The blob-time-travel thing is unique and I'd love to see that in Life Action. But it's hard to justify the costs of production for such a short.

Overall:
I like the core mechanics and the twist. I do feel you waste too many lines on the wrong characters and I feel that the shift of tone really undermines the strength you build up. Atom - Adam is a good find, I'd work that out a little more. Overall a strong sci-fi script, but hampered by too many little 'mistakes'.

Biggest flaw: The story direction. Shift of tone and shift of characters.
Best moment: The twist and set-up. That little piece of brilliance will convince people to make this.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This is fun and clever to a point.

There was a tonal shift towards the end for me. I thought this was going to be Sci-Fi drama in the vein of "Planet of the Apes" and the like, but then the dialogue gets silly. I think this needs to be established from the beginning.

An argument can be made that you pull a fast one on the reader by not naming "Eve" until the final line, but it would play out the same for the viewer, so it's all good.

Your screenwriting is good. Format overall appears in order. Didn't detect any major typos.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Breezy and enjoyable but lacked the kind of emotional impact to make it memorable. Clever take but the dialogue was a bit stilted -- characters saying exactly what they're thinking and telling us the obvious. Again, the challenge asks to tell a story in five minutes of real time but even though this plays out in the five page limit with no flashbacks or flash forwards, it lacked the ticking clock element of wrapping up an entire story in the five minutes. We're essentially left with the twist which turns out to be a play on words. There were good things here -- no typos that I saw, a fresh take on an old story and an easy, enjoyable read. If you do decide to rewrite this, I would try to have each character say less of exactly what they're thinking and give each an original voice. Best of luck.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought this was a fun little movie. A bit cheesy and the ending made me smile. Good work, this was light and fun.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Nice! Atom and Eve, that's funny. This had me interested from the start. I wasn't sure where it was going up until the very end. Formatted fine. Great story.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

The first two pages drag out the transport process, just get to the point already. The dialogue is extremely on-the-nose and written to sound way too serious. The ending was very predictable and I always thought the Adam/Eve started up in the Middle East... not Italy?

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

Nice story with a clever twist. I thought that perhaps they were sent into the future -- should've known with a name like Atom...

The CONTINUOUS in the forest slug threw me -- is it day or night?

I'm not sure what exactly an exotic monkey looks like, but I know what you mean.

It says: "A gray, mud-like gel rises from the glowing pedestal..." and then the next action is: "The two blue blobs hover inches above the pedestals." Does the grey gel turn them blue? I was a bit confused with that.

Otherwise a good job.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 12/1/2010 12:15 AM

This was totally fun and a cool use of the five minute limit. Very well done.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2010 12:37 AM

Adam and Eve, I would've never expected this from you.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4) ~ 12/1/2010 9:34 AM

This was one of my Excellent votes. I really loved it.
:) Heather

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2010 11:22 AM

Thanks for all the excellent feedback everyone!

A few observations...

I was hoping that the Lilith clue wouldn't be so obvious that it gave away the ending for everyone so I was glad to see that only a handful picked up on that. (Give yourself a pat on the back for paying attention in Sunday school.)

Many of you noticed that I flubbed the color of the gel. As most of you guessed, that was left over from a previous draft. I had been hoping to get one more rewrite in on this script before submitting, but simply ran out of time. Incidently, that's also why the dialogue is rather on the nose and the tone of the script is a bit inconsistent. Those are the types of things I generally address once I have the story aspect of the script nailed down, but unfortunately I didn't have time for any more rewrites after I had the story nailed down.

There were a few great suggestions that I will surely incorporate in to a rewrite whenever I get around to it. Thanks again for reading and commenting on my script everyone. Greatly appreciate, as usual.

I wanted to have some fun with the 5 consecutive minutes theme so I knew I'd do something involving time travel. When I sat down to write, this is what came out. I liked the "Which came first? The chicken or the egg?" aspect of it but wasn't sure if it would offend anyone. (In reading through the feedback, I don't think it did so that's good.)


@ Chris M & Heather - Thank you very much. Glad you enjoyed it!
@ Chris K - I always try to think as far outside the box as possible when we receive our assignments. Occasionally, that will lead me to a script with no murder or zombies.

Brian Howell (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2010 1:02 PM

I enjoyed this thoroughly. It takes tremendous skill to take such a familiar and historical story and re- work it from a completely different angle. I only questioned why their suits didn't time travel with them. My other question in my review was just nit-picky, forget I asked it. Very nice work!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 12/2/2010 3:08 PM

Thanks Brian! Glad you enjoyed it!