Comments Made During the Contest

Ayal Pinkus (Level 5)

This was a very suspenseful story! A 'ticking bomb' if ever there was one! And you managed to make it a surprising ending, due to the two turns.

I liked the voices, they gave me sufficient information on the type of persons.

On page 1: "Let me through. I gotta talk to the warden. He didn't do it!", I would change that to just "He didn't do it!", or "LET ME THROUGH! LET ME THROUGH! HE DIDN'T DO IT!". Now the sentence is a bit too casual, given the execution is in 4 minutes.

It is a sad and ironic ending. Very powerful last line. Amazing you got a whole story in there, from inciting event to climax and emotional unraveling. Interesting premise; Love some one you cannot have and it will destroy you.

Fantastic story!

Bill Clar (Level 5)

The cop pulls Hazel away from the fence? He's on the same side of the fence as the protesters? If it's so crowded that Hazel has to push through to reach the fence, no cop would just stride over.

"Martin nods. He's already there." The second sentence is inside information. Omit it, speak it, or represent it visually.

Good story but the characters need a bit of work. Tex is a redneck cliche. The cop doesn't sound forceful at all. Hazel would come off more frightening if she wasn't a country bumpkin.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

I'm sort of torn on this. I really appreciate the story you're trying to tell. I don't know why, but we, as humans, have always revered tragedies. I was a little worried that you would steer this into a true-justice type ending where Martin was saved in time. I'm glad you didn't do that.

I guess where I'm torn is in five pages you try and split the time between the two stories, and to me that seemed to dilute both of them a little bit. I think one quick scene in the death chamber when Martin says, "Tell my wife I'll see her in hell." would have more impact than several shots of what's happening. When he is killed, the exterior lights could flicker a little and Tex and others can start cheering. It would be more powerful, to me, to stay with Hazel and her reactions for the majority of the script.

Speaking of her reactions, they felt a little scripted to me, unnatural, if you will. I can see her bringing the gun. I can see her trying to get inside to stop everything, and I can see her spilling her guts, but only as a last ditch effort, literally seconds before the lights twitch. After that, I see her coming unglued. She doesn't just wave the gun around, I see her shooting random people. She has a sickness, remember... Her shooting would warrant a kill shot from the cop, and enhance the tragedy (if she were to take out a couple innocent bystanders).

I'm voting this VERY GOOD.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written and paced very well. No typos or formatting errors that I noticed. Nice, tight script.

Cool story, not much I'd change here. I appreciated the tragedy of it all... An innocent man being put to death while the real culprit is outside screaming about her guilt.

While the title fits the script quite well, I don't feel like it matches the tone at all. It conjures up images of a nice family film and then we get baby killers and executions, which is cool with me, but I think the title could be improved on.

Overall though, really nice job. This is a very solid script.

Bryony Quigly (Level 3)

Well first off, I'm new to this voting malarkee and not great at the constructive critisism, better at the just saying what I like.
I loved your story, your concept, your dialouge. The characters of Martin and Hazel came across very strongly for a five pager. You showed me how characterising through situation is a stronger way than just description/a line of action.

Your use of tension was great too, I really wanted to know what was going on. You nailed the page turner for definite :) And your dialouge kept me hooked. I haven't read a script like yours in a long time, and that includes screenplays that make it to the big screen.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

My second pre-execution 5 minutes...

I thought it was excellent! Perhaps a different title? Gives something too much away?

Nothing to add really - except I wondered if Opal was superfluous?

Great stuff. A real pleasure. A good drama with twists in such a short time.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

First script read and first minutes to live script. Come on keep coming up with ideas until you find that 'one'.

- He asks the man to confessed to where the babies are and then the lady asks him where her baby is. I'm guessing he did something to a lot of babies.

I really can't reconcile the contrasting vibes here. Serious pain and suffering with light hearted buffoonery, it didn't work.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was a good use of the "five-minutes" as I really felt the clock ticking down.

But, it also felt like a bit too much story for five minutes. With the confession, the gun-play, the execution, and only five pages to work with, it all felt a little rushed. A bit simple in a way.

I like the idea of the twist/revelation, but the characters don't have much depth and the confession ends up feeling very expositional.

I don't want to seem to down on this. I liked it, I just think if it were longer (which it deserves), it could be excellent.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Odd...

Not a big fan of the eleventh hour confession; why don't the crazies confess on the courthouse steps? However, I don't think her confession exonerates him.

Ok, I believe it all happens inside 5-mins, but the cuts to Martin are disjointed. What's happening outside never makes it inside in a timely fashion and there's not a landmark object that synchronizes the two scenes.

I also think the electric-chair drama's overplayed-- I'm not emotionally invested in Martin, and without a good reason to doubt the system I'm rooting/hoping that the judges and due-process got it right. So to me, you're just dragging out justice here.

And finally details:
-Hazel is Martin's wife right, so why isn't she inside already?
-why is there a baby crying?
-gun safety: firing into a crowd, listening to Tex, shooting a person in the back...

As for your writing, its strong, concise, and best of all understandable; it‘s why I‘ve rated this GOOD.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

An enjoyable, tightly written screenplay overflowing with tension, conflict and high drama. Your cruel character, TEX, is about as cruel as they come. His best line -
"Steak, medium rare." The one sentence that didn't sound right to my ear was EMMA behind the glass, a desparate woman filled with anguish. "Tell me where you put my baby." sounds too polite. How about something like. "Where's my baby! Where'd you put my baby, you bastard!" Continued good success to you.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

Great characters. There was a lot of emotion and tension in the scenes, especially with Emma. The one thing that would have made it stronger, I think, is for Hazel to say more bizarre things in the beginning, not just plead that her husband is innocent. Give a clue that she's kind of screwy earlier, gradually, so it's not just out of the blue.
I really liked this, though.
:) Heather

Herman Chow (Level 5)

Just a suggestion, it's better to set the scene with the first sentence instead of introducing characters right away. It just helps us to visualize the scene more clearly.

I don't think you need Tex's wife in the story. She's an unnecessary character that adds nothing to the story. And from a logical point of view, why is she with Tex anyway? What are they doing? Tex doesn't seem like one of the angry protesters to me.

Liked the second page. Martin's unspoken words and his demeanor was powerful.

Hazel's explanation came out as exposition. Maybe cut out some of the words in her dialogue, make it more fragmented. That would make it sound more natural.

I don't know, but in the entire story, I liked Martin the most. Hazel is just a crazy bitch who whines and blames other people.

Writing and formatting is fine.

GOOD.

Jamie Collins (Level 3)

I love this script. The dialog was great and the story kept moving. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop, I didn't want to until I finished.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Nice build. Good suspense. Could use a bit more description to help set the tone more clearly. I gave a very good though.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

That was okay. I figured she did it the time she said martin didn't, so that came to no surprise. I did like why, though. Very interesti8ng take. Your writing was smooth, and your dialogue was on point so I'll give you a good.

The problem with this is that it's not that interesting. "He's innocent" we've seen this a million times. And the fact that she dies at the end makes the story even more cliche in my opinion. Try and give us something new. Something we've never seen before and then you'll have a great story because your writing is pretty good.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Hmmm, I'm really torn over this one, so many positives but a fair few negatives too.

Things I liked:
- I haven't read a screenplay this easy to follow for a long time, I wish more scripts were as smooth and readable as this one,
- I loved the way the characters spoke, I found it gave the whole script a unified sense of place.
- I never never never predicted what was about to happen, not once which is ever so rare.
- The cuts betweens Hazel's story and Martin's were well space and ran smoothly enough not to lose the momentum of the story.

Things I didn't like:
- Where/when was this set? I assume it's fantasy but if so I'm sure it could have been achieved in a real place and time period which would have been more effective, and if not it would be nice to have some clarification on when and where because I couldn't tell (sorry if that didn't make much sense).
- I found the end to be something of an anti-climax.
- I could see what you were going for with the "I'll see her in hell" line, but I thought it seemed a bit silly and melodramatic.

Chris says if between scores, award the higher one, so "Very Good" for you. Well Done :)

John LaBonney (Level 4)

While I thought the characters were good, I found the storyline a little difficult to believe, especially the fact that the cop was inclined to call and try to stop the execution. I didn't really feel any suspense about Martin's execution and found his death to be predictable, and I didn't have a lot of emotion when Hazel was killed either. Kind of felt like there wasn't much of a hook anywhere in the story that grabbed me.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

Pretty decent concept. The first 2 pages were pretty darn good- very well paced, great intensity, a real Color to character but then we got lost in waiting for him to be fried and then it kinda lost it's visual focus. I sense you were visualising making a steady cam operator very dizzy.. But i felt you lost a middle ground to the story and the heart was missing. Still good job

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I really liked you short. I think it's Very Good and you depicted the crazy couple just beautifully. I loved how you never mentioned that she was crazy and we got to learn it from her actions and little by little.
This is the best one for me and I've already read nineteen.
Didn't break from it even for a moment.

The only thing - I think the locations could be clearer, I still can't understand why Martin says "Tell my wife.." - doesn't he see her? Isn't she on the other side of the glass? - did not get the locations.

Doesn't affect my Excellent though.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

So many interesting and emotional scenarios. Hazel struggles to reach her husband Martin, who's strapped in a chair moments from execution, Emma's desperate plea for information about her baby, the Warden's appeal to Martin, the Cop's concern, and even Tex's frustration. Impressed by the definition of the multitude of characters.
There are two distinct stories, the situation outside the prison gates and Martin's pending execution inside, and a lot of dialogue. May be too much going on for five pages. Might be able to tighten somewhat by omitting Opal, Emma, and maybe the Warden. Hazel's persistence and Martin's innocence might be enough story.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I really like the title.

The story, on the other hand, leaves me lukewarm.

I've been thinking about that for a while now, and I'm leaning toward blaming the dialogue and how it makes the characters sound...

You have some serious stereotyping going on here. It lends a cartoonish quality to Hazel, Tex and, by association, Martin and Tex's wife. They're all illiterate and stupid. Throw in the idiot who brought a baby to an execution and you've made a loud, anti-death penalty statement that reads like a joke.

That's too bad, because the pros and cons of the death penalty are a serious matter.

You didn't allow for the years of appeals a death penalty entails. This should be taking place when the babies would have been in their twenties or thirties.

You have the cop shooting Hazel as she runs toward a crowd... There are two problems with that. The first is that you've had Hazel claw her way to the front of the crowd, so the visual is that she's at the immediate front of the crowd, not separated from it. The second is that no cop is going to shoot someone in the back when they're running toward a crowd of people... Especially when there's a baby crying.

You pluralize "babies" on the last page, and it should be a possessive - "baby's."

If you do a rewrite, rethink the components of your story and put them together in a more plausible, less biased way.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

On the last page, I'm not sure where the baby's cries are coming from, or are they just in Hazel's head? Also, I don't see why, given how crazed she was, Hazel would wait to pull the gun, especially if her aim was preventing Martin's execution.

I did like how you built suspense, cutting between Hazel and the execution proceedings, each time building her involvement. Good.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Creepy. I like the premise.

Hazel's backstory was quite interesting, but I think there are more interesting ways to reveal it that have her rant a self-incriminating monologue. Perhaps you could have another character interrogating her and (slowly) forcing the truth out of her?

Like I said, I liked the twist, but I think Hazel spilled the beans to quickly and too soon.

I would suggest establishing right away that Martin is an innocent man, but withold from revealing the real killer for a while in order to build some mystery. You could even expand this and plant a few red herrings.

Good job.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Excellent.

Great title. Superb pacing. Lots of tension. Even the expositionary speech is well done. A huge story told very well in a short space of time. I'll be very surprised if this doesn't place.

Really well done.

Paul De Vrijer (Level 5)

A short drama story about a woman confessing her guilt to stop an execution.

Concept:
The main force behind this piece is pretty strong. Hazel's twist is strong and emotional and I like the dramatic moment you selected in this story. I mean, you could have gone with the earlier situation, where Martin was caught, or when Hazel stole the babies. You selected this moment and its really strong. I do feel that Martin is still kind of guilty, so I don't know if I'm getting the full emotional blow here. Would be stronger if he was innocent.

Title:
I like the tone of the title. Fits and it covers enough dramatic ground. Not suited for violence though, but still fairly okay. Does sound a bit like a chick-flick.

Execution:
I don't like all characters, I mean, I know Tex is supposed to be unlikable, but you try to hard and he's so stereotypical. A more toned-down version or a different character all together would be stronger. He's too unlikeable now. I find Martin a bit too calm and relaxed. Sure he has his piece with this, but he's also a pretty blake slate. Something more unique about him would be cooler.

Hazel herself just 'comes clean' suddenly. Bit too easy, specially for the reader/viewer, just so we get the plotdetails. There's no reason why she would suddenly confess to a random stranger. I understand the emotional breakdown, but I find the exposition a bit too much.

So, I don't really like the way you set up your characters. I also have difficulty trying to visualize every scene, specifically the locations, how people would be placed, how I picture the actions. Sometimes it's just too vague, like we are missing little pieces of information.

Like I said, I do like the twist (somewhat, MARTIN should be MORE innocent), and I think the setting itself is a really good choice. Also, you end on a dramatic high, thats certainly interesting. Cept, who are we supposed to feel for here? A baby stealer? The man who gets executed because he helped her? They all seem pretty dark people, not even a shade of 'grey'. This doesn't really feel like a tragedy, but more like 'good riddance'. Wish you made them a bit more likable here.

Requirement:
You placed the story within the five minutes, then cramped a LOT of information and scenes in them. I really like that about this. It's not just a casual script, no, loads of things are happening on different fronts, that's a strong point of the script.

Writing:
This is another strong aspect. Your sentences flow well and I find your descriptions really cool. They always feel unique and they have a certain poetic style to them. It's just does little details, like Hazel wiping her nose, which really bring this together.

I do miss quite a few location descriptions. More explanatory perhaps then what you currently have. Just to give it a bit more atmosphere.

Potential:
Filmable, absolutely. But perhaps better for a feature length. The prison dynamic is strong, but getting cast and location together might prove hard for such a small low-budget production. It would surely leave an impact on the viewer though, it's a gutpunch and I'm positive loads of people would love the video.

Overall:
I'm kind of on the fence about this one. Your writing is good and I like the descriptions about the actions, but the locations and characters are seriously lacking. I also don't really believe the reveal, although the twist is good.

Biggest flaw: The characters and the locations don't really come alive.
Best moment: The way you describe the little tidbits, like the crazy smile, or the spasm-slump. Short, but strong.

Interesting story I like the reveal although I'd like it better if Martin was completely innocent. Now he's still an accomplice to babymurder. I find the jump to hazel being inside a bit sudden.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I like what you're trying to do here and the twist, but a lot of this didn't feel very authentic.

The role of the Warden is very misrepresented here. It is not his role to coerce a last minute confession from the condemned and he'd never act so unprofessional, especially in this situation, to tell him that he'll burn in hell.

Hazel would not be waving a gun all around, pointing it at people and certainly wouldn't level it at a Cop without getting shot.

Where'd a baby come from at the end?

Your screenwriting is excellent. Format appears in order overall.

There are some typos throughout.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Well done! Excellent choice of a story for this script challenge. I loved the way the ticking clock was introduced early and I was able to feel the tension as you built toward the execution time. Nice reveal with Hazel and a unique slant on a familiar story. This was the best script I've read thus far and I'm sure you're do very well. One word of caution is that the title gives away a little -- possibly rework but other than that -- best of luck to you.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

"He's already there" is a telling unfilmable, and I think that format get a bit shaky when you change your scene headings by including "SAME". This is one of those occasions when sluglines could work in the story's favor. Establish your main locations aornd the prison and use the slugs to move from one to another.

The pity is that that doesn't solve what I see to be the main problem with the story: It's credibility.

You have Hazel giving her speeches while pointing a gun to a number of people -a cop included. Still, no one does anything about it and lets her do all that exposition.

I think it is unrealistic. I think she would have been dead before she could finish her first sentence. I think the cop would shot her dead instead of trying to stop the execution -for, why didn't this crazy woman come clean any time during the many years that surely Martin has spent going through the system?

Regarding Hazel's expository speeches, I think the first one works really well. It is the second the one that, at least for me, the one that throws the whole thing out the window -especially baceuse she's threatening lives as she does it.

If I were you, I would eliminate her second speech and make her keep the gun hiden longer. Escalate the conflict with Opal and then make Hazel pull the weapon. And when she does it, don't have the cop considering what to do or not: Have him shooting her and possibly making the gun's discharge coincide with the chair's inside the prison.

Anyway, just an idea.

Good luck.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

This was a good quick read, lots of white space. I was waiting for some twist to come or something but it just ended. No blatant formatting errors that I can see. Story is solid just a little, anti-climactic.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Are you double spacing between every sentence? I thought the stereotypes got a little tiresome. The redneck dude being dumb and oafish is really old. I thought your twist with Hazel being the killer was slick. The writing was really good, too.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

I thought this was good. I really felt the tension build up, and wasn't sure whether it was going to be a last-minute pardon, or they were both going to die, or what. If anything, I thought this didn't quite fit into five pages. I know, I know, but this is a case where a rewrite with a few more pages to work with would help a lot. For example, the baby at the end gave the potential for a really powerful visual of Hazel and the baby that never happened. And I'd like to know a little more about how we got here - why Martin was arrested instead of her, what his motivation is all about, etc. But good job within the confines of the contest.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

The slugs should be more specific. Instead of INT. PRISON, use INT. PRISON - EXCECUTION ROOM, or something like that. I thought Martin was getting strapped in the middle of the cell block.

A warden would never treat a death row inmate like the warden does after Emma's outburst. Quite to the contrary, Emma would have been escorted out.

I think Hazel's reveal could be more subtle, not as on-the-nose.

Martin's death happens quicker than it should, but I get the need to speed up for dramatic effect -- but it borders on a DQ in my opinion.

Comments Made After the Contest

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2010 12:50 AM

What a great script, Sally! I loved it.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 12/1/2010 12:59 AM

Me too! I said in another post I only gave two excellents - but I forgot your script! One of my THREE excellents!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 12/1/2010 2:23 PM

Loved this Sally, this was one of my excellents. I always love your work, great stuff.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 12/3/2010 10:04 AM

Thank you Caroline, MJ and Khamanna! I appreciate it. An excellent from you guys is really amazing.

I loved all your scripts too!