Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

That was a good story, and a better script. Starting from the middle is always a good way to motivate the reader to read more, so he/she would know what he/she missed.

1- The characters in this script didn't struggle at all. You didn't give them a chance to do anything except being killed. Yes he prepared himself, but nothing more. This is a mistake. It's the character who leads the story nothing else.

2- Predictable ending. Fix it.

3- When she said thank God, it was confusing. I didn't know why she did that first. You have to make everything clear. Confusion is your worst enemy in screenwriting.

But this idea can really make a great feature script. The monster you created is very scary. I hope you turn this shor into a feature script. I'll be the first one to read it.

Keep writing, you have a wild imagination.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your camera directions are pulling me right out of the story. Leave those choices for the director.

There are so many director's choices that I can't fully follow your story. The concept of killer plants is interesting just rewrite it as a spec script.

Also, I don't see how your title relates to the story.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

The dialogue was a bit expository for my taste. I also have a hard time with so many references that break the 4th wall (POV kind of stuff). Those references pull me out of the story. I understand why you chose to do this, and frankly, I can't really think of a better way to get some of this across, but I struggled through it.

As for the story itself? I'm not quite sure about it. Plant monsters sound pretty cool, but I'm not sure how Cal has become one, or how he can switch back and forth.

Anyway, I'm voting this FAIR.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced pretty well. Only one typo that I noticed.

The story was interesting. My main point of confusion came when Jason decided to light up a Molotov cocktail while he was standing there talking to his friend. That didn't make much sense to me. Perhaps if he had lit it before he saw her, but for him to walk out, see her standing there and then light it... What was his plan? To torch his friend? The logic there escaped me. Aside from that minor detail though, this was a pretty cool script. Nice work!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

The title gives the impression this will be a sappy rom com.

I can see why you did it BUT to put such directions in isn't for a spec script. You could describe an eye opening on screen without all the 'FROM BLACK - the frame splits along a horizontal line..."

The POV is flat against her back, looking straight up - no,no, NO! I think it's David Trottier that says use of POV is lazy writing and I have to agree with him.

I'm NOT saying it isn't going to be great visually but just you need to write it like a spec script so we get the STORY.

JASON (20), is ripping - use Present Simple tense - Jason rips.

the Subaru from a new angle - NO

Call lighting - lightning?

Aside from the fact that this was more of a shooting script than a spec script, I thought this was very good!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I was totally digging this until this line:

"At first, we didn’t even think they could move! “They’re some kind of
plants,” you said. Then they started crawling around, but we
didn’t think they were dangerous! “Too slow,” you said, nothing to
worry about! Look at my leg, Jason! LOOK AT MY LEG!
She yanks the blanket away."

All that exposition just ruined it. I didn't think that could happen, but one line did it. Think, would these people talk like that in this situation? It's as if she's explaining it to a person who hasn't been in this situation, but the dude has. Mystery is good.

Could be a really good script, but needs work on the exposition and otn dialog. I know you were probably cramped for time so squeezed it in. Don't, you don't do your story justice, just find a different story that fits 5 pages.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was really creepy.

I love the mood and atmosphere you established. I felt like I was there and it was truly scary.

If I had a complaint, it would be that this felt like it was ripped from a longer story, but the cool thing is - I really want to read that longer story.

Still, this was great as is and I really enjoyed it. Well done.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Interesting take. The puppet monster...I like the idea!

There are two stories being told in a movie; the one with pictures and the one with words. Your scenes do an excellent job of telling the story--the makeshift security measures (although he lights a cocktail at the beginning, and then you forget it); Therese wrapped up injured in the blanket. It all tells us something unnaturally bad is up.

Now your words drag out this same story. Here would be the perfect opportunity to give us a little bit more. You start to about Cal and Dana, but give us the dish on Justin and Therese--are these bickering lovers? Why have they come here? They're bickering is good, but most of the things you let us in on were already apparent--let us know the things we can't see.

Also your ending shot is confusing; after rereading I see that she dies and then we become the monster leaving the body...but then what this thing recreates Cal?

So gasoline cocktails -are- dangerous… christina

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

A couple of the scenes painted a pretty good picture of the setting. Unfortunately most of the dialogue was completely on the nose. I know you only have five pages, but you may have been able to use short scenes to show and not tell, since the blocks of dialogue were relatively large.

The thing that bugged me the most was the reference to POV. "The POV is flat against her back...", "POV is a foot above the ground, looking at the cabin.", "POV RISES TO ABOUT SIX FEET", "POV moves forward.", "POV enters the cabin, approaches Therese on the couch."

It's like POV is a character. That didn't work for me.

No obvious spelling, typos or grammar errors.

Thanks for entering. I gave this one a rating of "Fair".

David Laffey (Level 3)

Your invisible monster was a pretty confusing thing to understand, and I'm not sure why shredded t-shirts soaked in gas can help, I'm also not sure why Jason is so confident this method of defense will work. I thought the tension between Therese and Jason was great and I liked the crazy situation you stuck them in. I just wish the nature of the monster was more clearly defined.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

The strongest, most memorable parts of your screenplay are the quite clever unfocused/blink/focused opening at the very beginning and the guite horrific image of the "Look at my leg" limb.

The big weakness may be the choice of a plant as your monster. It's someone hard to accept a plant as an effective adversary.

But what may be really missing from your storyline about a small group of desparate, isolated friends under attack by lethal, mind controlling plants is a hook, or something to pull the audience into the movie. Either through humor, (difficult under the circumstances you've presented - but think about Donald Sutherland frying up a vegetable stir fry at the start of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. Or else some glimpse of humanity that the audience can relate to. Everyone likes to look at themselves in the mirror. The most effective movies are the ones in which we see ourselves reflected in the characters on the screen. Why should we care about them?
Just something for you to consider and hope this may help.
Be well and continued good success to you.

Heather O'Connell (Level 4)

This is my first ever review, so go easy on me if I don't get it exactly right. :) I liked the premis, the plant/monster that attaches itself to the back of the victim. The initial description of the runny green, looking up from her back was a little confusing, but I was able to figure out the angle. i know you weren't allowed to show the monster, but I really wanted to see what it looked like. Good suspense and tension.
When we move to the ext. of the cabin, maybe you could mention the weather. When Jason talks about the storm later, it is unexpected.
You keep the suspense going with the Subaru tire - something bad is coming.
I was a bit confused when Jason said he didn't hear a car - I thought they were on a Harley. Nice foreshadowing with Dana looking at the roof. i also like the matter-of-fact way she says "There's one on my back." Good description through dialogue of what the creatures can do, how they are changing. I thought your change of POV from the green/falling Dana/to Cal's POV was effective, too.
Scary ending. I would have liked a little hint at what was ultimately going to happen, but I guess it's good to leave the reader wanting more. Very mysterious.
:) Heather

Herman Chow (Level 5)

At first I wasn't quite sure what was going on with Dana and all the POVs. Then all these things start to become more clear as the story goes along.

I really liked how you kept the monsters away from us and let us to view from their perspective instead. The highlight for me was when the monster's POV changes from one foot above ground to six feet tall, and then the vision becomes human like. That was very visual and chilling.

Jason is a likable character, but I found Therese a bitch.

Page 1, I didn't get the importance of showing the front wheel is melted liked it had dipped in acid. Is that caused by the monster?

VERY GOOD.

James Resendes (Level 2)

Nicely written. It builds up the tension without anything really happening. And the monster itself isn't a regular werewolf-in-the-woods kind of monster. One of the only things I would say is that Jason's death is a little rash and unclear. But I really loved the way Jason and Therese's bickering. Nicely done.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

I don't get the title, but that was pretty cool. I really liked this one. It gave us an entire story. Great job. It was simple but so complex at the same time. Killer plants. That rapidly evolve. I don't have much to say about this one. I'm giving it an excellent.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I don't really get the title. If it's in relation to the fact that Cal, Dana, Jason and Therese were on a double date when their misfortune began, then I would've appreciated something more in tune to the actual monsters in the film.

The monsters themselves were great, but the middle of the script spent a good time talking about them instead of showing visuals that would've convey the information without having to show the monster. Most of the information gives wasn't really necessary to enjoy the script.

Good characters made this enjoyable, but the monster transforming into Cal at the end was the icing on top. Well done. You also presented the setting with great visuals in the beginning scene. Overall, you did a Very Good job with this entry.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's an easy read and very well written too. I enjoyed all the POV's, don't know if you need so many but I enjoyed them. There's no much story, Jason and Theresa were scared of 'them', they came and killed them. They are very powerful, can fly now...
I think this is as much as you can do with this requirement. Green on the screen is good to let us understand what's going on.

Very Good on your script from me. I applaud your courage having very non-standard form to explain your thoughts and direct the shots in a way. Like the first image - frame splitting in two - I like that, that's what you want us to see on the screen and you explained what we are supposed to see very well, I think. Flowed well. Not much substance, but I think this is the most (almost perhaps) you can do with the requirementk.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Terrific tension. The dialogue between Jason and Therese inside the cabin is particularly riveting. Information dribbles from each of them, just enough to pull a reader along. Then Therese yanks the blanket off, exposing her mangled leg. Yuck. Really well done.
Don't think that the detailed camera views, "the frame splits along a horizontal line...blur, overlaid with hexagonal facets......POV...flat against her back" is the best idea for a first impression. It's colorful, but without benefit of knowing anything about the characters or narrative, it's distracting. Initially thought Dana was laying flat on the ground, especially with the "crash victim stare" description. Two lines later are Dana's footsteps, so she's on her feet. Still don't understand how the camera is able to be "flat against her back" while "looking straight up." Think the ending has the same problem. Pulls a reader out of the well written, creepy story trying to decipher what the camera sees instead of what's happening to the characters.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Probably the best 'Monster Vision' submission I've read so far this month. I particularly like that even expository dialogue doesn't feel like exposition. Good work.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

If you're going to include the title, use a title page. Keep your five alloted pages for story. The title is good, by the way...

The story is excellent. You're going to get criticism for using camera directions and "POV" and etc. It's distracting... I was ready to start those negative comments myself, but then the story took me. I don't know how else you would write this. I'm sure it could be done, but I don't really care right now. This is GOOD!

Very good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I liked how you built the mystery. Letting the audience use their imagination to build up these monsters not only saves budget, it also makes them more scary than anything effects could accomplish.

You also managed to slip in a fair bit of exposition while keeping it dramatic and exciting.

This could be terrifying on screen. Excellent.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Good one.

The writing is expert. The story is pretty cool. Oddly, having the characters talking about the plants seemed creepier than actually showing them.

Only one thing confused me. Where did Cal come from? Only Jason and Dana were present outside the cabin. Did a plant mutate into Cal?

And there is just one thing that I didn't like. If I got it right, Jason accidentally sets himself on fire. I'd rather see him go because of a cunning move of the monster rather because of a blatant mistake from his part.

Still, very solid work.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

This was not a perfect story, but it was darn good. It was emotional, visual, and literary.

The guidelines were adhered to very well.

My favorite part was that this was kind of an aftermath scenario. I haven’t read many of those and it is a good way to go--original. There is enough exposition to make it understandable as to what’s going on, little to no gore, and, most importantly, all of the characters were different--they each had their own voice.

I also loved the sense of desperation that was implemented. The tension was just right; I felt unnerved reading this, not freaked out…which is how a great monster movie should be.

Wonderful job!

Pete Barry (Level 5)

There's strong horror writing here, with the monster POV, and the many, many terrible ways to die (fire, amputation, thing growing out of back). Woods always make for a great location for monsters - beyond the simple "no one around for miles" contrivance, there's something so primal, it requires little or no explanation to say, "you know there's something lurking around out there, just waiting to eat you."

I really don't need much explanation, and you don't give me much. A stronger emotional throughline would have been nice. I see that this is the end of a camping trip gone wrong, but other than survival, there's nothing at stake, so I don't know enough about these people to get hooked. I care, in the vague sense that I care about other human beings, but I don't know anything about them. Even a tie and torn buttoned-down shirt on Jason would help me know something about him other than: guy attacked by monsters.

I don't like that Jason essentially dies because he screws up. Better that the monsters get him, although obviously you're constrained by the contest requirements.

I'm not sure that the POV shot of the monster coming out of Dana's back would be comprehensible on the screen. I understand because of your description, but it would have to be done very carefully.

Overall, a grisly, atmospheric piece of horror, it just needs more of an emotional angle.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I like what you have done with POV in this. It’s a visually interesting way to show the monster attack.

Some of the dialogues seem a little long. It would take them quite some time to have the conversations on pages 2, 3, and 4.

Also the thrust of the story is contained in dialogue when I suspect I’d prefer to see some of this stuff. For example she has a monster on her back, I want to see it.

His setting himself on fire seems a bit random.

Ray Whitter (Level 1)

I liked this a lot.
Format is fine. Other than the mildly "unclear" description of the two flip-flop transitions between human and inhabited/controlled monster vision (which I understand is going to be difficult, however a director could shoot it just fine in whichever form equipment allows) everything else was fine.
You did a great job creating a desperate, emotional scene with enough background story to suggest enough to make this work. Impressive.
Dialog is great.
The city name of Alturas sounds a little science fiction-y.
And JASON accidentally setting himself on fire by foolishly snapping around too fast kinda irked and ruined the scene. It was just genre stupidity. Trite.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

I'm kind of mixed on this one. Grammar, formatting, pacing were good. Very interesting monsters, but a bit harder to understand what was going on -- and it all mostly happened off screen, which led to some idiot dialog, especially by Therese. The first scene was a bit hard to "get." I read it several times and I still don't understand this paragraph...

"Blink... The image clears, sharpens into a woman’s shoulders and head, seen from below. Leather jacket, short brown hair. The POV is flat against her back, looking straight up."

I would also consider a short description of the characters when they're first introduced. Just the age is pretty vague and makes it a bit harder to "see" them.

Robert Kent (Level 3)

You write action scenes very well. It was very easy to visualize all of the events that were going on. You also did a good job of not showing the monsters while at the same time giving enough information so that I could imagine what they were like.

Problems: Without defining Cal, the other three characters are all 20 years of age. From the way they talked and acted, it seemed as if they were all a little older, maybe in their mid- or late 20's.

Also, the exposition on Page 2 slows down the action. It seems as if Jason and Therese have this conversation while she is lying on the sofa. I felt that he should have been doing other tasks in order to prepare for the invaders; that way the conversation between the two of them would have more urgency and tension.

Finally, on the last page, I didn't understand why the sound of heavy boots would occur when one of monsters is climbing up the steps. From the way you described the entities, it sounded like they would be more of a smaller, slithering creature, like a jellyfish.

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

This was pretty good, but may rely a bit too much on exposition to tell the full story. There is a lot of dialogue between Jason and Therese where they are telling each other things they already know -- for our benefit.

The one bit of dialogue you give Dana -- "there's one on my back" -- sends a very nice chill down the spine. The POV is also an effective device here, though a little confusing near the end where the action is difficult to follow.

Jason setting himself on fire seemed a bit improbable, and it seems the story might have worked just fine without that detail. I also thought the title was kind of weird for this piece.

This one ranked very good, kicked down just a notch by two full pages of expository dialogue out of five. You need some for this scenario, sure, but there is too much for something this short. Much of it could have gone unsaid (like the details about Cal, who we never meet anyway, or the shotgun they do not have) in favor of action, such as Jason actually lobbing a few of his homemade bombs at these beasties.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I like this one a lot actually but it needs plenty of concentration to figure out the perspectives and point of view you've established.

The exposition of the backstory is a bit too heavy through the dialog and I wish we had more actions to show this.

Their being isolated is a nice device but I wanted them to somehow tune in to the outside world for news, as well. Radio or TV broadcasts?

Other than that, the ending is chilling the notion of flesh eating tree monsters is pretty cool and the fact that they can adapt.

Giving this a very good.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Good story with some good characters. I felt a sense of urgency and danger throughout the whole story. I felt your characters had their own voices, and were interesting. I cared about what was happening in your story.

Some of the problems are the exposition, you tell a lot of what is going on instead of showing us. With five pages, that is difficult though.

The ending fizzled a bit. I guess with Monster movies, most people die, it's inevitable, but I wanted more of a satisfying ending here. I'm left in the dark, except to assume that the 'monster' had killed everyone and now was coming for Therese.

Good dialog, if you can cut the exposition a little bit. Good characters and a good effort.

I'm not sure how the title fits though.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

This is a cool idea. A kind of mash up of 'Day of the Triffids' and 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers'. I liked it and I think it could be a lot of fun to watch. With the right direction it could be pretty scary too, in an old school sort of way.

I had a bit of a problem visualising the start on the first read. Just a few too many POVs and all that. On a second read it was pretty clear though.

Not all that original, that's my only complaint. Like I said, seemed like a mash up of old school horror premises.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Very good story. Strong concept.

My only suggestion is to ease up on the nose dialogue. That whole Therese's speech is a bit too much. I understand why you have put it there: You want to give a description of this great monster you came up with.

If that's the case, that you absolutely want to tell the reader some of the awesome qualities of this being, I recommend you to find other ways to do it. Exposition through dialogue is the easiest of the bunch, but it is also the most boring -Therese's not telling Jason anything he doesn't already know.

Everything else is pretty interesting. Good structure, clear goals and motivation, lots of suspense and conflict. The format got a bit too technical with the monsters' povs, and they distract some attention from the story. But all in all I'd say you've managed the best possible.

Good luck.

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

Well formatted and a nice quick read. The dialogue was a bit too expository for my taste - and sometimes too on the nose. The action/description was vivid and drew me in to the events. I'm not a big fan of POV, but for this script I don't see many other options, so I can't argue with it's use. The revelations about the "plant creatures" were good - I could hear exactly how Theresa would say it, i.e. inflection and tone. I do think it's brave to set the story during the day, as I'm sure most others will be taking place at night. I was thrown by this at first, but kudos.

Overall a very good script.

Comments Made After the Contest

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2010 1:04 AM

Good one Don. I like how simple this was. I still don't get the title though.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 11/1/2010 10:42 AM

Don this was truly great. I'm so happy to read another short of yours.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2010 11:38 AM

Congrats, Don. This was my favorite.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 11/1/2010 12:34 PM

Don, did you watch "little Shop of Horrors" before scripting this? Coz' Shyamalan wishes he'd tried this instead of "The Happening"

Do tell us here:

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