Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Great suspense here. I loved this piece. Amazing how you pulled me into this horror as if the five pages was one page. Easy to read. The lead character needs to make more actions then reaction. I know, even in this situation. The ending also is so predictable. I've seen it comeing when the dog barked. You need a twist here, something that will give me the Wow moment.

Keep writing, you're a horror master.

Bill Clar (Level 5)

Your action lines are very terse and hard to follow.

If the car flattens as Marion tries to crawl under it, shouldn't she be injured?

The officers fire high into the air, yet Marion can't see the target?

Overall it felt like Cloverfield. Big monster wreaking havoc in the city.

I recommend keeping Norman alive to accompany Marion. It would give you more dialogue to help with the pacing.

Brian Howell (Level 5)

A nice quick read. Good action with tremendous violence.

...But I can't help but wonder what the purpose was. It feels like this was written with the action as the main focus. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and you did it well, but I'm afraid there isn't enough story here to go on. The date stuff and her phone call didn't have anything to do with the rest of the film (outside of her date's body being severed in half). 5 pages like this leave me wanting a lot more; they would open a feature very nicely.

Again, the strong point is you've written tremendous action, the weak point is it was action for action sake. GOOD job!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

A couple insignificant typos. No formatting or technical problems that I noticed.

I thought this was a pretty cool unseen monster script. I got a Godzilla impression from the monster so I wasn't sure where the clopping hoofs came in. Was it supposed to be some sort of giant horse monster or something?

Overall, I thought this was pretty entertaining. You kept a nice, brisk pace for a script like this. It kept the action taut. You did a nice job of telling a cool story within the confines of the contest. Nice work!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Aside from the fact you didn't use a capital letter for your title, the plural of hoof is hooves - and I think that applies both in the US and the UK.

Your top margins seem very large.

"it bonks Marion on the head" - the use of the word 'bonks' is out of character with the tone of the piece - too flippant.

hundred feey away. - feet?

pulls riffle from the cruiser - uh? do you mean pulls a rifle?

I thought this was well-written and you built the suspense efficiently. However, the opening sequence about the date was irrelevant and got it off to a slow start.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Hah, I really like this odd English and all. Hopefully some folks with a better grasp of the English language than I will help with that.
At first I thought you just took an existing story and just hid the monster, but if this was shot from her perspective it could really work. You get my first Excellent.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Lots of wonderful visuals here and sounds - I love the hoofs.

But, overall, I found this a bit confusing and it left me with too many questions. Why is all of this happening? I kept rereading sections to try and understand them all.

You have many great moments, but I wish the story felt a bit more cohesive.

Christina Anderson (Level 4)

Excellent way of 'not' showing us your monster! And very brave work killing off your main character.

Now I'm a little dyslexic (enough to cause problems for me, but to the truly dyslexic folks I exaggerate). It makes long passages of descriptions hard to read. The worst is when I can't follow along with what's happening; I didn't have that trouble with yours, but I did loose a sense of the action you were trying to portray.

I SUGGEST

Chopping it up and making titles for your shots,

LIKE THIS

so the reader gets a picture and then applies the action you want.

IT

will really help format lines and lines of sentences. But also, don't be afraid of paragraphs. A couple of times you gave items their own lines when it still pertained to the line above. You only did it a couple of times, but it kills the flow when I have to stop and ask questions.

Shh, I hear hoofbeats coming... christina

Dan Delgado (Level 5)

This was very energetic but kind of hard to follow. After the first page it was pure action. The problem is there really wasn't that much in the story to follow. A woman runs from something, apparently a large something that kills people and a car gets dropped on her, the end. It was frantic, I'll give it that much.

The formatting consisted mostly of one and two line action paragraphs, which in my opinion was too choppy. I think it could have flowed a little better if it wasn't so segmented. Also the phrases were a off and I had to reread a few of them a couple of times to understand what was being said.

But you did create a heck of a monster and we didn't see it, so it had that much going for it.

Thanks for entering. I gave this one a rating of "Good".

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

I like the intent of this, the quick pace and the excitement... but it lacks in tempo and there is some confusion to me. The lady was in a window up 3 stories high but then the man is there and then he is all of a sudden on the ground? Also the facade caves pretty darn quicky and again it just seems like events happen to quickly for this piece.
Good luck

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

Poor Marion can't catch a break! What with people dying all around her, dismembered body parts and motorcycles flying and damn it, her cell phone's not working. Can you imagine?

You have a great gift for description in setting up the scene. Actually, your description of the graphic violence surrounding her couldn't be made any clearer. And I especially enjoyed the humor of a woman on a bad blind date. This really helped to start inflating her character balloon in a very engaging and charming manner. But then the character development came to an abrupt end and it was violence, violence and more violence. I'd have liked your screenplay more if there were more personal moments with your main character showing glimpses of her, (and the audiences) humanity even as the world around her collapsed.

Continued good success to you.

Gail Hackston (Level 3)

Wow

Kept me on the edge of my seat - for a while I thought her crazy date had turned into something nasty and was coming back for the cab fare.

The only question I have on the script was did the monster get what it wanted? What was it after - just terror, or specifically her?

Herman Chow (Level 5)

I liked the beginning bit where Marion and Norman saying goodbye after their first date. I was actually eager to know what would happen with these two people, like how their relationship will develop. But since this has to be a monster script, you went off in a complete different direction that the beginning scene didn't allude to.

Especially in a short, I think you really have to set the tone and genre at the first instant. Or, keep what you have in the beginning and develop it more throughout the script. I really thought the relationship between Marion and Norman will be brought up later on, like how they'd evade the monsters together, but only his corpse reappears.

The action writing is good, but for some instances I'm a little confused.

Where did the motorcycle come from? Did it really crash against the window from inside the house? I don't think it's from outside because the house is three stories high?

And what about the Old Man getting sucked into the vacuum as the motorcycle falls?

The ending falls flat for me. It seems there isn't any closure or surprises. Marion just dies like any other people in this script.

GOOD.

JeanPierre Chapoteau (Moderator)

Why isn't "hoofs" capitalized? I hope it was intentional.

I wouldn't call a brownstone a building. And what is a young couple? 20's or 30's?

"The man pulls from it until it walks away." That reads funny. It needs to be structured smoother.

"Marion runs away from the corner." Another sentence that could have been written smoother. "Marion takes a step back, then sprints away."

AN old man. You said "A"

Illuminates the bellies of fat clouds" I like that description.

"The machine holds in equilibrium for a moment before it falls, dragging the unconscious Old Man into the vacuum." What machine and what vacuum? The motorcycle? I wouldn't call a bike a machine, but then there is a vacuum so it might not be the motorcycle you're explaining.

The car bonks Marion on the head.- The word "bonks" should only be used in a comedies. Like a cartoon character bonks another in the head with a mallet. I don't take the situation seriously when I read that word.

A "depression" on the spot... I'm sure you have already taken heat for this. It should be maybe, "indention"?

I LOVE the scene with the officers. "Come on, come one" Marion sprints over with a limp while sounds of explosions and wings flapping flutter behind her "No, get back! Get back!" and they continue shooting the unseen beast with wings. Classic scene. Would look perfect on screen.

This was pretty entertaining. Big monster movie. Those are always fun. I didn't really see anything original come from it though, and sometimes the description read funny, but overall it kept me entertained.

I didn't like the ending. It stopped like a comedy in my opinion. She should have been look around and then the dirt, gasoline and blood dripped on her, and then it ended. I did like that description too.

Jem Rowe (Level 4)

Well, although you can certainly write a concise and clear story, the story doesn't link up, it makes sense, but the questions the viewers would be asking themselves about the characters and the creature are not only never answered (which could potentiality still work), but never even addressed in the sceenplay.

Other than this, your writing style and pace is fine, it's just that the problem of never following up on major parts of the narrative is fundamental. For example, it wouldn't have made any difference to if the whole first page and a half were completely changed because they have no relevance to the rest of the story.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I couldn't get into this script at all. There were moments that I could not understand, at other points the script suffers grammatically and I had to read it several times to understand what was happening. The action was very sporadic and quite truthfully, tasteless. The script doesn't connect from the point where the date ends and the monster attacks.

That is not to say that this script won't work. It just needs a little work put into it. The beginning should be used to set up the monster. Introduce it somehow and give us a glean of information, either in the beginning or the end, of what it might be. The action should be thought out in advanced and executed carefully, choosing the right words to convey and impact. You title comes into mention several times in the script, but it's really hard to decipher the type of monster this may be simply by mentioning the sound of hooves and the clap of wings. For all I know it could be a rabid male unicorn in heat.

Good Luck and keep writing. If you do a rewrite to this script I would be interesting in reading it.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It's well written, I think.

I don't know which is which at the beginning is Marion a she and Norman a he? I know that Marion is the man but did not understand it from the very beginning. Then you have a lot of "she's". After Marion talked to Lila, he accidentally drops the phone and Norman picks it up - it took me a while to understand that it was Norman. Marion for some reason chose to talk right in front of Norman.

Norman and Marion - these names are alike too, I wonder if there is a reason for that.

Wondering if there's a way to get rid of all this action description. It's a little overdescriptive for me. For me and maybe it's just me.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Armageddon on a city street. Some good action and lots of visual description.
Not any information provided about Marion, except she's part of "a young couple" with Norman and she turns out to be the victim of a hoofed monster ravaging the city.
The date with Norman in the setup is interesting, but doesn't seem relevant to the remainder of the story. Kind of a coincidence that it's Norman's body that "smacks the ground" right in front of her.
After Marion drops the phone, she's suddenly aware of noises from her clacking heels, screeching tires, screams, and a brawl. It's not entirely clear if the phone precipitated her heightened hearing. There's mention of a "night sky glows in the distance," which may not be needed.The arm hanging on the dog is visual, but there's no explanation of how the arm got there or who it belonged to.
The narrative needs to unfold one event following the next, as opposed to a series of incidents.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

The plural of hoof is hooves, and rifle only has one r.

You put a lot of action and tension into this story. I'm impressed!

I'm going to rate this quickly so it's credited to your score. I really like your story.

Good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

"One of the Officers pulls riffle from the cruiser and discharges round after round." You mean "rifle", but I doubt the police would use a rifle in this situation. Maybe a shotgun?

Nice ending. I like how none of it is explained - just this scary, invisible, mythical beast comes out of nowhere, and the police and the old man seem to know about it but Marion doesn't.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Lots of cool action going on here. You've got that aspect covered. I would suggest adding an emotional spine to go along with the crashes and the explosions. Perhaps you could give Marion a companion in order to intermingle the destruction with some character interaction?

The ending makes perfect (logical) sense. This thing seemed to be pretty powerful so no surprise that it "wins".

But it isn't dramatically satisfying (the protagonist's struggle was in vain and she gets crushed). Perhaps she could die for some higher purpose, like saving a loved one or something? (I know, a cliché, but it's just an example; you get the point).

Michael Hughes (Level 4)

Somehow this one didn't work as well as it might have for me. There were a number of things that struck me as I read that pulled me out of the story. First there were two or three typo's ('from' instead of 'on', 'on' instead of 'in'. just a distraction.) And this is really going to seem picky, but when MARION is struck in the head with a moving car, the word "bonk" seems too comical a word and it lessened the tension which had been building with the description of the chaos.
I liked the story idea itself - less of a "creepy horror" and more of an "all Hell breaking loose." I thought it might be too much of a coincidence that both Norman's and the Old Woman's body should land at Marion's feet. Random pieces of strangers might have given more of a sense of city wide destruction happening. I think that I was also bothered by the description "clopping hooves". The image in my mind was a police horse on patrol where I'm sure the creature you are trying to have my mind conjure up is a lot more terrifying. Could it make some other noise which might have a more frightening description. Again these were all things that lessened what I thought could be a harrowing story.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Wow, was there a lot of stuff going on here! In fact I think there was way too much. Between this, that, and the other thing going on, I forgot to care about Marion—and don’t think the Hitchcock references were lost, just oddly placed.

I wasn’t sure what was going on half the time, and the other half I was confused by. Things were going on around Marion, but I was never certain exactly where she was or what she was doing. Was she hiding, crouching, ducking, or simply shutting her eyes? Not being sure of her actions made it really hard to follow the other stuff because there was no relation. Also, I don’t think I picked up on the plot. What was the point and why should I care?

I always have heard it pronounced “hooves” and not “hoofs,” but both are correct. It just sounded different to me I guess.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I thought you did a real good job with this. Once the story takes off, it's very exciting. It'd take a Hollywood size budget to produce this, but that's no big deal, you're ability to write is on display here.

I like the mystery of the unexplained, and I don't need to be spoon-fed, but I wish there was a little bit of explanation to this all in the end. Just a hint.

Your screenwriting is good; format appears in order.

There are a few minor typos.

Very Good!

Pete Barry (Level 5)

Some really good stuff in here. The monster is very interesting and unique. I imagined some kind of hell-knight, but I guess it could have easily been a dragon or manticore. I think I needed a little bit more information, but it fits nicely in the contest: I didn't want to see it. The gory bits are well-done: half of Norman, and the arm on the dog's leash was a good surprise. You really captured the feel of a neighborhood turned war-zone very well.

There were some contrivances, and once you cheat. You need Marion not at home, and sans cell phone (although I can't imagine what good the phone would do her). The "dropping" isn't described, so it seems random and unmotivated - just done to get rid of the cell phone. Same with "I don't want him to know where I live" - that seems like an excessive precaution, given that Norman seems pretty tame. You need this setup? Set the date's end in the taxicab, have Marion be a bitch to Norman, and then have her storm out, leaving her phone behind by accident. She can leave because Norman suggests she pay for the cab. (By the way - make sure later on that she sees the same cab - it looks like she finds Norman's body in a different car.) The pepper spray down the sewer was the worst offender as a contrivance, and again, why bother? What's pepper spray gonna do to this thing? Heck, have her take it out and try to use it. And you can't kill the phone and then have it ring to lure her out. That's cheating.

Some of the action sequence don't make sense to me. It took me a minute that when the motorcycle came "out of nowhere" you meant it was hurtling through the air, not being driven. When it "drags the old man into the vacuum" or "holds in equilibrium" I can't visualize what you're talking about.

There's a couple of spelling errors - "feey", "wings sounds".

Overall, good job - fix these problems and I think it'd be perfect.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The action description in this is quite vivid. Unfortunately, for me the action in this doesn't form part of a compelling story because I didn't engage with the characters and the sequence of events is a flow of destruction without much else going on.

"A motorcycle flies out of nowhere and crashes against the window." - I probably missed other signals but even though I like the random ominous feel of this it still feels like it's out of left field.

"Wings flap above again." - The thing has hoofs and it flys, a Pegasus? Also for me this line makes me wonder if this story is suitable for this contest. It seems like she would look up and see something, and if she does then I'd expect the camera to see it as well. Actually for me I think that us not seeing the monster in this makes it seem nonthreatening to me.

Rob Centros (Level 3)

Okay, this started out okay, the uncomfortable parting between Norman and Marion was pretty visual, but then on it got really hard to follow. And I really saw no need for so many one sentence paragraphs, they tend to fragment a script and irritate the reader (at least this reader). And shouldn't "hoofs" be "hooves?"

One specific sentence lost me... "The machine holds in equilibrium for a moment before it falls, dragging the unconscious Old Man into the vacuum." I have no idea what this means.

We also have the old lady and policemen looking at something and the policemen firing at it. So, if the others can see the monster(s), why can't Marion see it/them?

Robert Newcomer (Level 4)

No caps in the title. I kind of liked that for a horror script. Understated -- and it works -- not withstanding the problem that, when referring to an animal, the plural is hooves. Joe hoofs it to the store, but a horse, or an unseen monster, travels on its hooves.

It seems odd to complain of fluff in a five-page script, but it seems we spend far too much time tracking the whereabouts of the cell phone. While it seems every horror film today has that obligatory scene where we establish the cell phone is not working, it seems to make little difference here. Who is she going to call? The cops are already there.

Similarly, the call to Lila adds little to the story, and it seems that you went the wrong way with it, anyway. Since a gutted Norman plops down in front of Marion, it would have been better had she actually liked the guy, you know? I would change that.

The carnage was nicely detailed and competently written, as you went the Cloverfield route with big budget smash-ups. The conclusion was not enough for me, though. The story ended for Marion, of course, but "whomp -- fade out" did not feel like a true ending for the scenario you had established.

I liked it. Scored it a good. It moved fast enough -- but I think losing just about everything that dealt with Marion's cell phone would give you more room to play with your unseen beasts.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

I've re-read this script quite a few times now and am trying to figure out if it has a plot.

Honestly, I don't see one.

Your primary character is a spectator to the random destruction around her. She doesn't perform any action that has an effect on the story. Usually a character tells her what to do or where to be. I don't feel anything when she or anyone dies. I should've.

There's no motivations for any of the events. No explanation for the flying monster with hoofs. No precursor for impending doom in this environment that anyone's aware of. In short, it feels like a slice from a much longer tale and reminds me of "Cloverfield" with it's vivid destructive scenes.

A few of the events are inexplicable and random to the point of frivolousness. I guess the bike was thrown at the couple but when it flies out of nowhere, maintains equilibrium and drags an old man into a "vacuum" I wonder where did the vacuum occur? If the monster flies above her and slashes cars with its claws, how can she still avoid being seen?

Why won't it make a sound when fired at? Why kill all your characters? How did the cellphone come back to life before it was stomped on?

The descriptions are vivid, no doubt. The little dialog phone call added some nice character development.

But I feel you haven't tried this genre before and the theme requirement made this a bigger predicament.

I'll give it a fair and would love to see you try some other genre.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I like the start of your story. I felt connected to the characters right away.

It seemed odd that Marion just dropped the phone when she was talking on it. How does that happen? Was there something that made her drop it? Did she trip?

I think a tightening of the first couple of pages would be really beneficial. You don't need to describe everything. Just the basics. You're taking a lot of time on describing the sky, her footsteps, etc. Let's get to the story.

Now we're going. The dog with the limb attached to the chain. Although I'm not sure I believe that it hung on just long enough for it to drop right where Marion was. But it is definitely a signal that all is not right in Marions' world.

Page 3. Again a lot of description of surroundings. Maybe trim?

If the old man is in the bedroom with the old woman, I wonder if you need a INT. BEDROOM slug?


How does a motorcycle crash into a third floor window? Or is it a window on the first floor. It's not clear as written.
What vacuum are we talking about, that the old man is dragged into?

Bonking Marion on the head? Maybe hit Marion on the head. The word Bonk seems too humorous and light for this scene. Also why doesn't she stay under the cover of the cars? Why do people in horror movies always put themselves in the path of danger?

I was disappointed in the ending. What was the point? All this mayhem and Marion gets crushed in the end by the police cruiser. It was not a satisfying ending, it was just a story about Marion's last night on earth, she goes on a blind date, then life as she knows it goes completely insane, with people, dropping out of the sky. Body parts, etc. then she dies.

Could there be some sort of twist at the end? So that Marion triumphs? That would make me investing in her story worthwhile.

Steve Lo (Level 1)

I read the script a couple times and after some debate here's my final opinion: it's good. Not great, but definitely decent.

For me, what stands out is the fact that you put explosions into the script. This could be just opinion but explosions fall more or less in the action genre and less in horror/monster movies. Anyone can light something on fire or blow up stuff. I would have liked to have seen you utilize and take advantage of the one requirement--that this revolves around an unseen monster--and make whatever this monster does unique.

I thought you started off very strong. The inciting incident--the dog walking into view with the decapitated arm--that was really good. Maybe as Marion began running away, she could've spotted another decapitated limb or the rest of the body? Just a suggestion.

Last, I was confused with some of the names. You may want to write more specifically as a precaution so your reader doesn't get confused:

"A young couple, MARION and NORMAN... HE shifts from one foot to the other. SHE plays with a set of keys."
--I thought "he" was referring to Marion, because it seemed you matched them up that way by introducing that name first, then when switching to the pronouns, using "he" first. I had to go back and reread to make sure I had the right names for the right gender.

"The OLD WOMAN opens the window... a OLD MAN rushes to her and pulls her out of view."
--I thought the old man was rushing over to Marion because you didn't explain he was in the house with the old woman. He could have easily been an old man on the street rushing over to Marion. It would help to specify.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Great action, fast-moving yet suspenseful & it left me breathless. I especially liked the minimalist dialog and how Marion dies at the end.

Two suggestions: Tighten up page one and add more foreboding, it starts out a little slow. It does not quite feel like a complete story, more like the beginning of something; not sure how to fix this. Maybe add some suggestion of "the end is near" either in the beginning - like the date was to some horror movie that has somehow come to life?

Still, I enjoyed this very much.

William Wilson (Level 3)

First off i must say i did like this story but it was kinda hard to follow? There was so much going on and the way you described things made me have to read certain parts of your story over and over again to get what you meant...

And i actually just got done reading a book on screenwriting where it said to many scripts end with the main character not solving the problem or not slaying the bad guy and the story starts miserable and ends worse then it started for the main character? And that just makes the story pointless if the hero doesnt solve or discover anything and just gets killed?

So even though i felt your story was very cluttered and chaotic, it was still a good story so...

I give "hoofs" a 6 out of 10

Zach Jansen (Level 4)

Very vivid. The action/descriptions are nice and short, but they're full of so much information. I only caught that Marion died after my second read-through. That last sentence could easily be two, even three - Marion's death should get its own line.

A few typos that took me out, but a proofread will catch those. And be sure to CAPITALIZE all sounds - CLOPS, EXPLOSION, CRASH, etc. That's not only proper format, but it'll help to create amore audial world to match your images.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 11/1/2010 12:34 AM

Well Teo, you clearly had no idea what my script was about and I clearly had no idea what I was doing when I gave you the Excellent. :) I don't mind the mystery you created. It would be totally impossible to shoot, but who cares we are just reading these right?

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4) ~ 11/1/2010 9:56 AM

I agree with you, Chris, though I'm glad that you liked it. Personally, I would have graded this script a good, at best. Apart from the weird usage of the language, there's no much story; just a lot of random destruction which, as you point, it would be extemely expensive to produce. I apologize if I abused anyone reader by uploading a script with all those handicaps, but the truth is that I had the greatest time writing it. On the other hand, I think the needs and goals of the characters and the overall conflict are clear -for once in one of my scripts! My apologies for not understanding your story. And thanks to everyone for the feedback and suggestions.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4) ~ 11/2/2010 10:47 AM

I've gone a second times through all the reviews, and I have to say that I find the comments even more helpful than I did before. I won't name names because this is very much a collective effort -Y'all people rock!

One correction I'd like to make at the risk of seem ungrateful but because several people pointed it out: Hoofs and hooves are both correct as the plural of hoof.

Thanks!!!